Feature image by The Gender Spectrum Collection.
There are a few things we can all agree help make relationships work — OR ARE THERE??? Maybe it’s more complicated than that. Here are the supposedly ironclad relationship rules that we don’t necessarily agree with!
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Growing up with a rough childhood and getting into my early twenties I used to like to say the quote, “You’re born alone, you die alone.” When talking about traditional cultural values in the US.
In my later twenties I had the invaluable experiences of working at a nursing home and a middle school (not at the same time). From this I learned that people absolutely need each other, it is messy and hard, and beautiful and amazing.
There are lots of ways to make our relationships work and there are reasons people pursue making that happen. The best thing you can do for yourself is figure out what works best for you (boundaries) and respect the boundaries of the people who care about you.
Thank you, Stef! This is a pet peeve of mine, too. It’s a ridiculous and stigmatising perspective that in my view would barr most people to a certain degree from forming any kind of romantic relationship with someone else.
It can go in both directions – through self-love you can learn to love other people and through being loved by others you can learn to love yourself.
I really appreciate seeing so many healthy, self-aware, well-reasoned perspectives expressed here. A lot of these “rules” feel like they’re straight out of the playbook on How To Be a Good Little Hetero Under the Patriarchy, and I love that our community breaks down conventions not just in who we date but how.
Another one I’ll throw into the ring is the idea that if something doesn’t Last Forever, that means it failed. After my last awful heartbreak I started working on shifting my own perspective about this, and consciously choosing to embrace the idea that experiences can be very worthwhile even if they’re relatively brief. Every connection we make will inevitably come to an end at some point anyway, so we might as well enjoy what we can in the moment and not let ourselves be held back by the fear of loss.
Here’s a thought experiment: If you met someone and knew right from the outset that you’d only have one week together, but that week would be the most incredible, fulfilling, sensational week of your entire life, and then you’d have to go your separate ways – what would you choose to do? Would you jump in and live that experience? Or would you decide it’s better to avoid the likely emotional downswing afterwards, and live out the rest of your life without that memory? For me, I decided I would always want to make the former choice. Now I always try to approach opportunities this way, as something to explore and delight in, but not attach any particular outcomes to. There is so much more freedom and ease in that, and in my experience it has led to deeper, more genuine, and more varied connections with people.
I second that if something doesn’t last forever that doesn’t mean it was shit.
The night before my wedding I asked my mum about her wedding and she said that her marriage was a failure – but it lasted 6 years and she got my oldest, very brilliant, sister out of it so I was like HOW IS THAT A FAILURE?! I mean, it may have been a failure during those 6 years, I wasn’t there, but the ending of something doesn’t make it a failure in and of itself.
“YOU NEVER HAVE TO MOVE IN WITH YOUR PARTNER IF YOU DON’T WANT TO.”
God yes. My relationship isn’t less valid because I need to actually be ALONE at times.
Also, we all need to admit that having your own bed is vastly superior to sharing one. I will not be taking comments on this statement.
fully agree, the other night my friend turned to me and said “can you imagine sharing a bed with someone?” and yes, bc i did it for years, but now that i have my own… DEFINITELY NOT.
I am so much happier dating humans who don’t live in my home. throughout college, and a few years following, i moved in with partner after partner and that was just too much, every time. i loveeee having a bedroom that is exclusively my bedroom and having a partner sleep with me overnight is fun and special, as opposed to a constant annoyance. i share a bed with my cat and that is bad enough. plus, who doesn’t want to lay like a starfish?
“i share a bed with my cat and that is bad enough.” lmaooooo same.
I can’t sleep well when I’m worried about elbowing my partner in the face or killing them with night/morning breath!!!
I think loving yourself is based on accepting yourself as you are rather than trying to be a dream picture. (For loving others it’s the same.) So actually accepting that you don’t love yourself is loving yourself. And if we really see things as they are we can only accept them because anyway they are like that even if this is maybe not as we want them to be. And only from there change is possible because what we don’t accept we don’t (want to) see. The pine tree is not like the oak tree but still perfect in its on way.
Also I have a little bit of a different take on the “love yourself first” thing. I agree that the way that message is often expressed is pretty terrible, but I think it’s actually an unfortunately popular but skewed version of what it’s supposed to say. In my experiences as someone who has gone through struggles with mental health and self-image, it’s not that I wasn’t able to love others, it was that I could never fully accept or believe that they loved me for me, instead of some projected ideal of me that I had to work overtime to maintain. When I started to learn how to love myself more, I was more readily able to see how I was worthy of other people’s love.
Yes, this is absolutely true too.
Yeah, it’s all about context. I think that advice shouldn’t be interpreted as ‘you aren’t allowed to date if you have self-loathing’ but rather ‘you deserve love so work on your self loathing because it will inevitably impact your relationships.’ Which it will. It’s just impossible to hate yourself and not have that bleed out in unintended ways. Self-hatred impairs connection even if it doesn’t totally prevent it.
If I hate myself, I will either reject my girlfriend’s love or expect her to do the heavy lifting of loving me for the both of us. If I hate certain traits in myself, I will have a very, very hard time having compassion for my partner or child’s similar traits. Having been raised by well-intentioned parents with self-loathing issues, I just don’t think anyone can happily neatly compartmentalize these things.
‘Deal with your self hatred’ is depressing to hear for people who think there’s no chance of healing self-loathing but I have yet to hear an argument that self-loathing, while a natural, understandable consequence of trauma etc, is something worth protecting and holding onto forever because it improves quality of life. The issue is getting people the resources they need to do the work of learning and practicing self-love. Many people say this phrase to those who can’t afford help and expect them to snap their fingers and heal by themselves, and that itself is very cruel. It’s not the message itself, it’s the delivery etc.
Yes, totally agree! The same way that telling someone “you need professional help” might be technically true (because we ALL do), but delivered the wrong way comes across as a judgement and has the exact opposite of the intended effect.
Yes. I’ve struggle with self-loathing as a byproduct of mental illness myself, but that’s different from being resigned (or even committing) to the idea I am undeserving of love and good things. Learning to love myself is a process that will probably evolve and need constant study my whole life, but I am actively engaged in the process. I know — I have loved — people who have not reached that point. They were all very different, but the common denominator was that they all eventually thought less of me for loving them.
“They eventually thought less of me for loving them” – Yes, I’ve had this experience too. And you’re right, learning to love yourself isn’t a one-off, but a lifetime process that sometimes shows up in different ways under new circumstances. Wishing you the best in your own process <3
I think loving yourself is based on accepting yourself as you are rather than trying to be a dream picture. (For loving others it’s the same.) So actually accepting that you don’t love yourself is loving yourself. And if we really see things as they are we can only accept them because anyway they are like that even if this is maybe not as we want them to be. And only from there change is possible because what we don’t accept we don’t (want to) see. The pine tree is not like the oak tree but still perfect in its on way.
“ANOTHER HUMAN BEING CANNOT PROVIDE YOU CLOSURE.“ Yes to all the caps.
man i was in a PLACE filling these out
Yes but I needed to hear somebody validate me the way your statement did! Couldn’t explain why that piece of advice makes me so angry…How to say that I *like* myself fine but have never *loved* myself and don’t really want to. People get so snooty at me about it.
the facebook link I followed to get here promised there would be someone “talk[ing] shit about fucking cat[s]”, I feel lied to and abandoned
but anyway, fuck I hate my girlfriend’s cats and our relationship only works because she kinda does too.
YES SHELLI!
YES STEF!
Shelli’s advice is so good
Y’all are speaking the truth.
Yes but I needed to hear somebody validate me the way your statement did! Couldn’t explain why that piece of advice makes me so angry…How to say that I *like* myself fine but have never *loved* myself and don’t really want to. People get so snooty at me about it.
These are all so good.