Q:

Hi there!

The context to this question is that my partner and I are both kinky (privately? I guess?), and we’re interested in feeling out the kink scene locally a bit more. Most of these events have a dress code — and that’s fun! I want to dress up. But.. a lot of leather / kink fetishwear aesthetics feel pretty gendered at times (which tbh feels like an issue with lingerie etc more broadly) and it stresses me out! I want to feel hot, not awful / dysphoric / self conscious.

Where can I find the kinky, androgynous fashion inspiration I am yearning for?

A:

Oh hey, lovely kinkster!

It’s so lovely to see someone exploring their kink communities because I have lived in a place without such groups for ages. Please live and enjoy yourself for those of us who can’t (but someday will).

As to kink event dress codes: yes, they can have dress codes, but there’s a lot of ‘it depends’ around these dress codes. Different groups and events will have vastly different ideas on what their dress code constitutes. Dress codes readily reflect the nature of an event. High protocol BDSM is deeply structured and tends to have exacting, formal dress codes. Munches are explicitly public-facing, casual social events, and ‘outside-appropriate’ dress is normally required.

This is a long-winded way for me to say: Your first target may be seeing which events and organizations appeal to you and looking at their online presence for clues about what their dress code actually ‘means’ to them. There’s no universality to kink — that’s why most of us are in it.

Once you’ve scoped out their online presence (if it exists), I’d advise making contact with the group or event’s organizers and asking for guidance. This can assuage some of your concerns about what you can wear and how non-gendered it can be. It’ll also serve as an extremely important litmus test for their suitability to your temperament. A good kink group is accommodating to newcomers, willing to clarify, and ready to inform. Incidentally, those are the same traits we’d want in sexual partners.

As to the question of clothes that don’t hang too fiercely to the gender binary, I have thoughts.

More gender or less gender?

I find that androgynous fashion often flows in two directions: mixing masculine, feminine, and other fashions into a whole, or minimizing gendered features entirely. The first is achieving androgyny through contrast, and the second is achieving androgyny through degenderization (that’s a word, I looked it up!).

Identifying your preferred form of androgynous fashion and exploring ways to work it into kinky fashion is a good starting point. Especially if you can draw a line from kink to your comfortable presentation. It’ll feel more like home than leaving your comfort zone rapidly and accidentally finding something dysphoric.

When I think of generically kinky things that aren’t necessarily gendered, I think of strappy leather and faux leather. Leather aesthetics and BDSM are very close (they’re roommates!), and they can be contextually gendered, but don’t have such a strong gendered fixation. Leather straps and metal furniture are very masculine when worn to accentuate a body’s musculature or form. They can also be coded feminine in certain styles. Think fashionable chokers or a harness peering from underneath a dress.

I can’t recommend strappy leather stuff enough for a non-specifically kinky appearance because it can signal so much. It can signal rippling strength and firmness, daintiness that needs to be restricted. Wear it small as an accessory or commit to a torso-sized harness. Faux leather/pleather is cheap to start with. Vegan leather substitutes are there. Traditionalists (like me) love handmade, genuine leather.

This principle of more gender vs. less gender applies to other articles of clothing too. A feminine body can cut a mean figure in a suit. I think men look great in lace lingerie. Contrast is a keystone of androgynous fashion and pops in kink settings as well because contrast in kink can be used to subvert gender roles and expectations. Truthfully, the question isn’t really about what you should wear (that’s between you and the organisers), but what makes you feel ‘right’.

Exploring form

To me, much of fashion hinges on its ability to shape people’s form. Form is king in androgyny. It builds sharpness and softness alike. Think of the contrast between shoulder pads, cut waistcoats, and long nails versus oversized puffer jackets, baggy jeans, and canvas shoes. Kinky fashion opens up a new avenue of form because there’s an option for nudity (at certain events). More simply, are you bouba or kiki androgynous?

Jackets are a queer fashion staple and are unironically great in kink. Being a top-most item means they can reshape your silhouette based on how they’re cut. They’re practical, too. Use them to conceal kinky accessories or clothing underneath before you want to show it. And you know, they can help you keep warm.

The stuff in the middle is just as important as the outer silhouette. Queer kink is replete with the unbuttoned top (flannel/plain button-down/blouse) that shows some of what’s going on beneath. A partially unbuttoned top is both hot for what it shows and conceals. Whether that person is rocking a soft cotton bralette, leather harness, lingerie bra, or nothing underneath says a lot about their comfortable gender presentation. Consider this look if you’re ever in a rut — it can be tailored for anyone.

Talk, think, explore

I could go on all day, but I want to say that I get what you mean about kink spaces being gendered. The power dynamics and fantasies played out in kink often reflect real-world events. It’s difficult to escape the masculine top, feminine bottom dynamic. Many participants don’t want to escape it. They want to embrace it in a contained and secure way.

Being queer in kinky spaces opens up possibilities and concern in equal measure for how we’ll be met and perceived. And gods help us if we stumble into a hyper-heteronormative swinger group that claims to be ‘all-kink friendly’ but is actually just a cover for middle-aged straight people to fumble with raceplay fantasy and do zero reflection on the implications of their kinks. Speaking from first-hand experience.

I can advise and talk at length about cut, silhouette, and genderbending, but I think that you’re still best-positioned to do the rest yourself. That means scoping out the group(s) you’re interested in and seeing what their ‘vibe’ is. Then making contact with organizers for information and to suss out the ways they engage with queer newcomers. Then taking the info and converting it into something that makes you feel good.

Just remember, there’s no wrong way to be you. And there’s no wrong way to be gay in your favorite statement jacket.

Yeah. I hope this helps.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

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