Meg’s advice is all so spot on. It’s a lot of pressure to follow up! Still, I hope I can add some helpful thoughts. I’ve also been in the position of being the less-resourced partner in a divorce. I think it’s important to remember that you are making decisions about your life now, just your life. I don’t know how long you’ve been married for, but it might have been a long time since the last time you made choices just for you, just for your single life. It’s okay if getting into that headspace takes some time, but it’s also important to hold this reality during any decision-making processes. You don’t need to be selfish or mean-spirited, but you have to trust that your ex is going to approach the process with her needs in mind and that she’ll be able to take care of herself, and if she has more resources and family support, then she’s got other people taking care of her, too. I’m giving you permission to look out for yourself, to really look out for yourself like you would for a good friend, like you would for a relative, like someone you really love. Like Meg said, you can hold yourself with compassion, and give yourself space to grieve, and talk yourself up before high-pressure moments. You can be there for you, and I believe that you know how to do that.
I don’t know if you have a strong or even local support network, so I don’t want to assume. Maybe you have chosen family and friends you can lean on! If so, Meg’s advice is incredible. I’m going to answer as though you don’t or it’s complicated for some reason, like you all have only mutual friends who maybe aren’t comfortable getting too deep with you.
You might find your friend dynamics shift. My advice is to expect that might occur. Be open to people who are ready to support you who maybe you didn’t think of as that close before, and be ready for people you expected to come through to…not. That can happen. You might learn some things about some people, and that’s just part of going through something challenging.
It’s okay to fall apart a little. Your situation is hard, and it’s especially difficult if you’re not held in any way. I’d try to remain kind to others, but if you don’t want to do a thing, you don’t have to. If you want to make a conversation weird by mentioning that you spent the day going through your statements and looking for roommates on Craigslist / an apartment (no idea what your situation might be, sorry!) because you’re going through a divorce, go for it. What do we have if we can’t be real with each other? I realized I was going to ask for a divorce midway through a winter party (not during the pandemic, years ago). My ex was not there. When someone I’d just met asked how I was, I told her the truth (but that I was okay) and we wound up laughing about it because it was such a weird thing for me to say, but sometimes you can’t just make small talk when you’re going through it, you know? That’s okay! If you want to cry in the middle of the grocery store because that is the moment you have suddenly been seized with the need to cry, you can just do that. Life is hard! Also absurd! It’s absurd that some people just are born with more family support! That is weird! People with supportive families just walk around with all this something and who knows what that does for them? But also, you probably know how to take care of yourself, so I’m going to say it again. Trust yourself, like you’re your best friend.
In terms of actual finances, it’s really hard to give solid advice without knowing more about your specific situation. In any case, I’d advise you to make sure all your ducks are in a row in terms of your own finances and your own recordkeeping. Make sure you have copies of everything! Make a plan for yourself and what you’re willing and able to let go and what you might want to hold your ground with, and keep that to yourself or talk it over with friends. That’s for you to have in your head so that your plan can guide you, not so much your emotions in the moment. Do your best and forgive yourself if you slip up. In the most ideal of circumstances, you’ll be able to hold the best feelings you’ve ever had for each other in your hearts when you go through this and you’ll try to be the best you can to each other as you disentangle your lives, but I know that wasn’t my reality, so I won’t assume the same for you. Know that if things are complicated that neither of you may leave completely satisfied. That can also happen, and it is likely. Like Meg said, if you have needs that aren’t met by the divorce mediation, it’s also a good time to plan to meet those outside of that process. It’s like any other negotiation, except really fucking sad. I’m sorry about that.
And you know what? After it all ends, then it’s over! You’re divorced! And then, there’s the rest. There is all the rest of everything. This is just one moment, one stop on the train ride.
You can get through it. And you will. I believe you will. Sending you so much love!!!
Comments
Great advice. Thanks for the time and care in both these answers.
*hugs*