Engagement rings! There’s so much to say about them! And today, we’re going to get right into it. By far the most common wedding-related question we receive at Autostraddle is some version of HOW THE HECK DO I BUY AN ENGAGEMENT RING OR EVEN START THINKING ABOUT IT so it made sense to me to address that right at the beginning of my lesbian wedding column. Also, if we think about things in a linear fashion, buying an engagement ring is often one of the first steps when it comes to wedding planning and actually getting gay married, so it’s a logical beginning.

photo contributed by VENVS

In terms of personal experience, I did not feel equipped to tell anyone how to buy an engagement ring. My ring is one I inherited from my grandma and then gave to my partner to propose to me when she was ready because I couldn’t imagine finding a ring I loved more and it also seemed excellent to not spend any money on the ring if we could help it, and my partner’s ring is the very first one she tried on in the very first antique shop we visited — she declared she loved it, the salesperson declared it was on sale, and I declared I would be buying it immediately. This is not particularly useful advice to the general lesbian population — “inherit a diamond” and “have an easy time at an antique store” is actually extremely useless advice — so I decided to go to the experts.

Luckily, I was able to interview not one but two queer jewelers who specialize in creating and selling gorgeous engagement rings (and other jewelry) to the queer community. The following information is what I learned from talking to Haley Biemiller, founder of VENVS, and Ashley McGinty, founder of Chouette Designs. Each woman founded their jewelry companies after finding the traditional jewelry industry lacking — for Haley, she felt othered during the experience of trying to buy an engagement ring for her wife, and for Ashley, she felt frustrated that she worked with fine jewelry but could never try on the rings she worked with because they didn’t fit her ring size. Both Haley and Ashley are determined to make shopping for engagement rings — and jewelry in general — a more inclusive and positive experience. Here are all their tips for finding your dream engagement ring!

The first step when looking for an engagement ring

Both Haley and Ashley agreed that the number one step when thinking about buying an engagement ring is to talk to your partner! Of course you want to talk about marriage in general, and if that’s a thing you’d like to embark on together, but in a more granular sense you want to understand what kind of ring your partner is looking for and excited about.

Ashley suggests starting a Pinterest board together and taking note if your partner really has their heart set on one specific design. Haley shared that even though the sentiment of the ring is of course important, it can be really disappointing (to both people!) if the ring purchased isn’t something that the person wearing it wanted or can envision themselves wearing. Both jewelers affirmed that there are plenty of ways to keep an element of surprise to the engagement while still checking in about what kind of engagement ring one or both partners want.

For my part, I’ll say that my fiancée and I talked about rings very openly and there was zero element of surprise for either of us when it comes to the actual jewelry, but we both planned surprise proposals for each other that were meaningful and exciting; knowing exactly what our rings would look like as the proposals were happening did nothing to take away from the sentiment of them, and the end result is simply that we both love our rings and have the exact rings we each desired. Ashley suggested that if you’re the kind of person who really wants to surprise your partner and the idea of talking about rings beforehand ruins that for you, you can purchase a very inexpensive but still beautiful piece of CZ (cubic zirconia) jewelry or costume jewelry and use that for the proposal, then once the cat is out of the bag you two can plan together what kind of ring you’ll get. This is also a great idea if you can’t afford a piece of fine jewelry right now but still want to propose — you don’t have to wait until you have “the ring,” you can always propose with one ring now and purchase another one together in the future (that’s actually what my dad did for my mom and I have always found the story very romantic!).

photo contributed by Chouette Designs

How much does buying an engagement ring cost?

During my research for this piece, I learned that the average American currently spends $6,000 on an engagement ring (and, full disclosure, I was shocked because that price seemed so high to me!). I also learned that the advice to spend X percentage of your paycheck is very dated, and apparently started as a way for women to insure they’d have a certain “security” in case their husbands ever left them, or possibly as a scheme from jewelers to encourage men to spend more money at their stores. Yikes! Very toxic all around.

Both Haley and Ashley emphasized that the most important thing to consider when thinking about your budget for your engagement ring is what makes sense for you and your budget. They both agreed that you do get what you pay for, but also that it’s very possible to get a gorgeous ring for a lot less money than $6,000, and that an engagement ring should never feel like a financial burden. “It’s a big purchase,” Haley said, likening it to a milestone like buying your first car, “but at the same time, I don’t think it should be a daunting ‘how am I going to come up with this money’ kind of thing? It should be comfortable.” She emphasized that buying a ring should be an exciting time, and that the purchase should feel fun and meaningful — to that end, choosing a very, very comfortable budget before you start looking can help make the experience only feel positive.

Haley said many of her clients are in the $1500-$2000 price range, and Ashley said many of her clients are in the $2500-$3000 price range, but both emphasized multiple times that it’s very possible to find a perfect ring for you for less than that. Like anything with a wedding, there’s really just such a giant range — I have one friend who spent $100 on a ring, another friend who spent $800 on a ring, and another friend who spent $10,000 on a diamond. The important thing is to figure out what you can afford (really truly, not in a I-will-go-into-debt-for-this-purchase way) and stick to your budget. I’d recommend not window shopping too much outside of your budget. There was one jeweler who I adored while my fiancée and I were in the pre-engagement phase and all her rings were about $5000 — eventually my partner told me to stop looking at them because we couldn’t spend that much money on a ring, and she was right. I unfollowed the jeweler on Instagram and it made me happier.

photo contributed by VENVS

How to figure out your (and your partner’s!) ring size

Figuring out your ring size is an important part of buying an engagement ring — and if you’re shopping for your partner, figuring out their ring size is obviously even more important! You can order cheap ring sizers online, and if you go into any jewelry store they’ll let you use their rings to find your correct size. If you go to an in person boutique they’ll probably take a bit more time and care to go over it with you, but it’s very easy to do by yourself, so don’t be intimidated. And the best news? Even if you get the size wrong, you can always get the ring resized! It’s true that occasionally with a custom design it can cost a lot to resize a ring (because of labor and changing the shape of the design) but in general, wherever you purchase your ring will allow you a free resizing after purchase, and most jewelers will offer to resize your ring even years after you originally purchased it for a small fee. This information made me feel a lot better when thinking about sizing my own ring (which I’m constantly worried is a little too tight? Or maybe it’s fine? Should it be looser?) so I think it’s important to impart on others as well. When it comes to ring size, you can always change it! Don’t overthink it and don’t stress.

photo contributed by Venvs

How to make ethical choices when buying an engagement ring

One of the biggest questions we’ve received from readers is how to shop ethically for an engagement ring! Full disclosure, I thought the answer would be obvious — lab grown diamonds! — but both Haley and Ashley taught me that things are a bit more complicated.

“The most ethical thing you can do is use a recycled piece of jewelry,” Ashley said. “But not everyone has an heirloom piece available!”

So what are some other options?

“It’s a tricky subject,” Haley said. She explained that for the past few years many people have been gravitating toward lab grown diamonds because they’re theoretically more ethical, but it turns out that the carbon footprint of making a lab grown diamond is just as bad for the earth as mining them. At the same time, The RJC (Responsible Jewelry Council) has enacted some heavy regulations on natural diamonds. If a jeweler is buying natural diamonds from an RJC certified vendor, they know they’re being audited 2-3 times a year to make sure all of their practices are ethical — that their workers are being paid fairly, that there’s no corruption going on in these processes. Lab grown diamonds are also heavily regulated, but with the power that goes into creating these stones, you can’t say it’s great for the environment.

If you don’t have an heirloom diamond and still don’t feel great about buying a natural or lab grown diamond, Haley recommends moissanite, which she says is the most ethical of stones. They are all created in the USA, and it doesn’t take as much power and energy to create them.

Ashley shared that with most traditional jewelers, the process of how they find their gemstones is quite “cloak and dagger” (which made me LOL, truly), but there are more jewelers out there now that have made being transparent about their process a part of their business model. For her jewelry, she works with a company called Misfit Diamonds. “They’re big on finding what the rest of the industry would call ‘trash diamonds’,” she said. I asked what trash diamonds meant and she told me those are stones that would traditionally be thrown away (!!!) because they’re not perfect. Apparently salt and pepper diamonds used to make up a big portion of those that are thrown away, but they’ve become very trendy. “Consumers are starting to realize that [‘trash diamonds’] can look really cool and interesting and unique.”

As you can see, the process of buying an ethical engagement ring is not necessarily simple — which is probably why so many of us are wondering about it. I think the information Haley and Ashley shared is a helpful starting point, and then considering your own particulars can help you come to a clearer conclusion. Is it important to you to have a very sparkly ring? Moissanite has major bling factor, and most people can’t even tell they’re not diamonds. Price point might also guide you in this process — Haley told me that whereas a one carat natural diamond would cost between $4000-$6000, a moissanite around the same carat weight would be $600-$800 (and lab grown diamonds would fall somewhere in the middle). It seems to me that choosing a queer jeweler who is transparent about where they source their gemstones is a really good step to take if you’re buying a new ring — then you have the added bonus of supporting a small queer business as well when buying your ring.

photo contributed by VENVS

Advice specifically for queer people looking for an engagement ring

Haley had some practical advice for queer couples that I really loved: “There are really no rules,” she said. She shared that she sometimes meets with queer couples who have internalized the stigma that one person’s ring needs to be more feminine and one person’s ring needs to be more masculine, but that’s not true. “Traditional jewelers will tell you it’s not an engagement ring if it’s not a diamond, or it’s not an engagement ring if you didn’t spend X amount of dollars on it… that’s not true! You don’t have to play by any rulebook.” And Ashley emphasized that for queer couples in particular, finding a jeweler you feel comfortable bringing your whole self to is ideal. “Find someone you vibe with,” she said. “You want to be excited about the ring – it’s representing you, and representing your relationship – the process of buying the ring should be something you’re excited about and something that’s affirming, not just something where you have to settle.”

photo contributed by Chouette Designs

Advice specifically for fat people looking for an engagement ring

As a fat person who, for years, just told myself “rings aren’t for me,” I was particularly excited to hear Ashley’s advice for how fat people or people with bigger fingers could have a positive experience shopping for engagement rings.

She recommended finding jewelers who have extended size runs in a lot of their offerings, but acknowledged “that can be a huge challenge, because there aren’t a lot of us.” She said scrolling social media for hashtags like #sizeinclusivejewelry and #plussizejewelry can be helpful, although she warns that some brands are proud of themselves for going up to size 10 — “which is great, it’s a start, but I would encourage you to look for brands that go even higher.”

She also emphasized that finding an affirming jeweler, ideally someone who shares your experiences, can create a better experience. “Not that I’m biased or anything,” she laughed.

photo contributed by VENVS

What these professionals wish they’d known before shopping for their own engagement rings

Okay, get ready for a truly harrowing story! When I asked Ashley this question she laughed ruefully and said, “I wish I had known not to put a raw diamond in the engagement ring.” In an effort to get her wife, someone who works in the jewelry industry, a unique and gorgeous ring, Ashley’s partner got her a ring with a raw diamond — an uncut stone. But because diamonds are so hard, the stone started to eat away at the setting — and then fell out, to be lost in the streets of Portland forever!!! “I made that mistake so that my future couples don’t have to,” Ashley joked. But seriously, she said that particular style of stone is gorgeous, but it just doesn’t hold up in a ring setting. Put it in a necklace, or earrings — something that won’t get beat up in the same way a ring does.

Similarly, Haley shared that she encourages couples to do research on the stones they’re interested in. VENVS works with a lot of gemstones and Haley says she frequently sees couples pick out their own birthstone, or their partner’s birthstone, or the stone of the month they met, which is a beautiful idea but some of the stones are very delicate. She says one stone people often pick that is not a great choice for rings is opal (I personally really wanted to buy my fiancée a moonstone ring, but decided against it when I learned how soft they are and how likely they are to get scratched in a ring setting). Haley said she wouldn’t necessarily tell people they can’t buy those stones, but it’s good to be aware that you’ll probably have to replace it down the line.

Haley also said her biggest piece of advice is to just do a lot of research in general about what’s possible for engagement rings. “There are so many endless options on what you can do,” she said. “There are so many ways to individualize your ring and make it super unique for your relationship and yourself.”

I am extremely grateful to Haley and Ashley for taking the time to educate me about this subject, and I hope this installment of Blush & Bashful helps you and your partner when thinking about how to buy an engagement ring. And remember, even if you don’t want to go to a jeweler or spend a lot of money on a ring, there are other options. If your family (or your partner’s family) has rings or even just stones that they’re willing to pass down to you, that can be a really sentimental (and cost effective) option. Scouring Etsy, antique and vintage shops, and second hand jewelers allows you to buy rings with their own histories and often with a significantly lower price tag than what you’ll find with new or custom jewelry.

And! You don’t have to get a ring. Some couples both really want to wear rings to symbolize their union, in some couples it only feels good for one partner to wear a ring, and some couples simply don’t want rings at all, either opting for other jewelry or ignoring the tradition altogether. I’ll try not to belabor this point in this column, but it must be said: the absolute best part of getting gay married is that you really don’t have to follow the script of “what it means to get married” — you can literally do whatever you want, and as long as you and the person you’re marrying agree, you’re golden.

Blush and Bashful is a biweekly queer wedding planning column.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!