Q:

My girlfriend is the best so many ways. She’s kind, supportive, an incredible baker, my best friend, and the sex is amazing! There’s just one small thing.

So things in our relationship started to get a little weird when she started hanging out in a centuries-old crypt in our neighborhood. When she told me this was where she was spending some evenings, I thought it was odd but didn’t want to question it, because I think it’s important that she have her own life outside me, and we practice a lot of open communication, so as long as she was telling me where she was, I didn’t think I had anything to worry about.

But a few weeks ago, my girlfriend’s entire demeanor really changed. She stopped wanting to go outside during the day. She isn’t really eating much. I thought maybe she was just dealing with depression and suggested she meet with her therapist, and she listened because we have good boundaries like that. She went to her appointment but hasn’t been able to schedule a follow-up, because her therapist is apparently missing??? So I’m working on helping her find a new one, but you know how long that can sometimes take!

Sometimes, I catch her in the kitchen making a weird thick red smoothie, but I don’t want to judge her eating habits if that’s the only thing that tastes good to her right now. I think it has beets in it, so I’ve been buying some at the grocery store in case she needs more, but she hasn’t seemed to notice.

We’re still having sex, and it’s really good. She has especially gotten into biteplay, and I’m into it! I just wish she would talk to me more about whatever’s going on with her. She’s still hanging out at the crypt a lot. In fact, it’s the only place where she really wants to be other than inside our house. I asked her if I could come one night, and she freaked out. I really hope I’m not being paranoid, but do you think it’s possible she’s cheating on me with someone at the crypt? I would never follow her, because again we have good boundaries, but what could she possibly be doing there? Am I being too hard on her? Should we try opening up our relationship?

A:

Thank you, dear reader, for writing in with these questions. I’m going to be a little harsh and direct with you, but I think it’s ultimately for the best: The reason your girlfriend is behaving like this is because she’s literally a vampire. I would know, because I’m also a vampire. My guess is she probably started hanging out with some vampires at the crypt and one of them turned her. Don’t worry; we don’t consider this infidelity in the vampire community!

You girlfriend’s vampirism doesn’t have to be a relationship dealbreaker. You might just have to adjust some of your expectations and routines in order to account for the changes your girlfriend is going through. She might be embarrassed or scared to tell you she’s a vampire, so maybe you should start the dialogue. Tell her you know what she is and that you’re not afraid of her. Tell her you want to learn more about vampirism and her community.

Now that you know your girlfriend is a vampire, you can practice being a better ally to her. Vampire allyship can take a lot of forms! You could help her out a lot by stealing blood bags from your local hospital or by hunting large game if you’re uncomfortable with the whole human blood thing. Buy blackout curtains and make plans to go out together after the sun has set. But the best way to show up for your girlfriend, who is a vampire, is to just ask what she needs as a vampire.

Also, at the risk of slightly breaking Vampire Code, I do need you to know she likely killed her therapist. It happens! Baby Vampires don’t know how to control their urges or ethically source blood yet, so little whoopsies can sometimes occur. Don’t sweat it, and definitely don’t blame yourself. Instead of a human therapist, consider seeking out a Licensed Undead Therapist who can better cater to your girlfriend’s needs. You can also try couples counseling specifically geared toward vampire/human relationships.

If you decide this is all too much for you or that you’re not willing to support your vampire girlfriend in this new stage of her life, then the best course of action would be to break up. You can’t change your girlfriend. (You can, if you wish, let her change you by turning you into a vampire, but that’s a decision that requires a lot of thought and time, so don’t jump too hastily into anything.)

I wish you and your girlfriend the best! I promise you this doesn’t have to suck 😉

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