A Blue Devil alum named Bradley is at the counter, telling them about a horrible man yelling at a woman and forcing her into his car, yelling about owning her. Wynonna recognizes the description of the car from earlier so she uses the earlier complaints to get an address and takes off, Waverly hot on her heels; the mystery murderer can wait, she has to save a woman from an abusive relationship.

“Kill misogynists first, ask questions later.”

Which makes sense, that this would be her trigger, considering she couldn’t save Mama, couldn’t save Willa, couldn’t save Waverly or herself from the abuser who plagued them for years. But this woman? Maybe this woman she could save.

However, the girls run off before Bradley can finish his story, so he tells the rest to Jeremy. As he tried to get the man to unhand the woman, the man said, “I wish you would eat shit.” And then…Bradley ate shit. Literally. Which might have been helpful information for them to have before taking off, but Wynonna’s gonna Wynonna.

The Earp girls go to the house and find Rich Dotcom, whose name in this is actually Doug, even though he doesn’t want to go by Doug anymore.

I understand, it’s a Funnie name…GET IT?! Where are my fellow 90s kids to back me up?

Doug lets the girls in and rambles off some weather facts like a man in your twitter mentions explaining things you didn’t ask them to, and Wynonna and Waverly only half listen as they eyeball all the expensive things strewn about his home (including a stack of gold bricks) and look for the woman they’re here to help. Eventually they split up and Waverly finds the woman, who Waverly speaks to so gently and calmly, saying they’re here to help, that they can get her out.

Waverly soothing Ginny also soothed me.

The woman looks unaffected, more interested in her phone than Waverly, and says Waverly can’t get her out, actually, but that it’s okay.

Following Doug to the kitchen, Wynonna easily gets him to admit he’s eating a brain sandwich, and realizing he’s in a bit of a pickle, starts shouting that he is the demon Kuru, and starts calling for Ginny, who quickly tries to get to him. Wynonna holds Peacemaker up only to realize this man shouting that he’s a demon is actually quite human, and Waverly holds Ginny back from going to Doug, trying to protect her with her small body and very strong arms.

Doug throws some brain as a diversion and wishes Wynonna dead, and Ginny reaches for him and tells him to take her hand, but since Waverly is still holding her back, Doug takes off.

The chaos of this scene is reason #987 why I love this show.

Wynonna tries to chase Doug but he seems to disappear without a trace. Waverly tells Ginny that Wynonna is going to take her somewhere safe while she goes home to change into a shirt that’s not covered in gray matter.

Wynonna takes Ginny to the sheriff’s office and tries to tell her that shes not at fault for anything Doug did, that she’s a victim in this situation, but Ginny seems like she couldn’t care less; she only cares about how many followers she has on Twitter.

Wynonna puts Peacemaker on the desk next to them in an effort to prove she can protect Ginny from Doug when suddenly the gun glows orange. Ginny looks at it in horror, then at Wynonna with realization, “You’re her.”

“You’re the crazy bitch with a gun I’ve been hearing all about.”

Wynonna immediately shifts into fight mode but Ginny insists it’s not her, it’s Doug’s wishes…you see, she’s a genie. And Doug’s wishes are “fucking nuts.”

Wynonna and Jeremy put Ginny in a cell and interrogate her. Some Aladdin rules don’t apply (Ginny doesn’t live in a lamp, and Doug could and did wish for infinite wishes) but some do (she can’t bring anyone back from the dead) and she bumped into Doug in a bar and now The Demon Kuru calls the shots. Her nails poison people because he wished it, he wants to be the smartest guy in town so he’s having her off all the brainiacs in Purgatory.

Wynonna asks why Doug didn’t just skip the messy middle and wish to be the smartest guy in town, but Ginny points out that this would have been too smart an idea for Ol’ Kuru to have on his own.

Wynonna noodles for a moment and remembers how Ginny and Doug were reaching for each other back when she first met the dynamic duo and puts together that they have to be touching for the wishing to work. And she feels so smart right now!

Wynonna being excited when she figures something out on her own is also me playing virtual escape room games. I love solving puzzles.

Ginny confirms this is true, but says there’s nothing she can do. She’s stuck with Kuru until he’s Ku-through.

Jeremy pulls Wynonna aside and shows her what he learned about “Kuru.” It turns out that’s the name of a rare disease one can get from eating human brains. Chances are, Doug started getting sick, read up on the disease, and latched on to the name like a dumb Doug-shaped barnacle. Jeremy tells Wynonna to watch Ginny while he goes to trivia and she is concerned that he wants to go to a weekly town event while there’s a literal murderer on the loose when it hits her. She grabs Jeremy by his big, big brain and says that this has been the plan all along. Trivia Night is Doug’s ruse to find out who is the smartest and thus whose brains to eat next. That’s why everyone who is still in is obsessed but those who already got knocked out, like Wynonna, don’t care as much.

Wynonna is going to watch Ginny while the rest of Team Earp takes Doug down since without his genie he’s just a greedy human man with a flesh-eating disease. (I don’t know that the disease itself eats flesh but you get it from eating flesh so I feel like it works either way.)

Back at the Homestead, Waverly is washing the brain goop out of her shirt and Nicole is running down the plan. Waverly says she sounds like a sheriff, a job she once loved, but Nicole says now all she loves is Trivia and Waverly. In that order. But she knows that first thing is Doug’s fault.

Waverly tries to soothe Nicole, and Nicole tries to explain why she’s so resistant to this title. When Waverly went to the Garden, she felt like she lost everything. And then she lost the election. So she did something…something besides the Clanton deal…something that made all of Purgatory hate her.

“I’ve killed people with my bare hands, I’m sure whatever you did is fine.”

Waverly points out that everyone hating her never stopped Wynonna so it shouldn’t stop Nicole, and that they’re so close to being happy; all she wants is for Nicole to get what she truly deserves, go after any job or role or dream she wants. But Nicole promises her that just having Waverly back is her happy.

They’re my happy too, tbh.

Back at the holding cell, Wynonna and Ginny bond over their bad taste in men, but Ginny assures Wynonna that what she has with Doug isn’t romantic. Purely transactional. And besides, even if she was attracted to someone whose wishes she was bound to, love is a lie “They’re all Kuru in the end.”

Waverly and Nicole make their way to Shorty’s, but as soon as Nicole sees all the Purgatory peeps sitting around, she starts to panic. There’s definitely something she’s not telling Waverly as she starts to inch back toward the door and Waverly has to grab her arm to guide her in.

Of all the makeout and even sex scenes, this gently arm loop scene is what made me miss human contact the most.

And then Bradley and his band of idiots get up and start clucking at Nicole, calling her “Chicken Kicker.”

Nedley shuts them up but Nicole has seen enough. She tries to leave but literally can’t because of the wish, so she finds the good ol’ Legacies Loophole and hides in the basement instead.

Waverly wishes she could support her girlfriend but she is compelled to win trivia, and only 75% of that is the wish’s fault. It’s down to Waverly, Jeremy, and Doc, who are all adorably passionate, shouting out answers like, “Celine,” “dunkaroos,” and all the members of *NSync.

“MAYA ST. GERMAIN IS ALIVE!”

Doc gets eliminated on a technicality but as soon as he’s free of the confines of the wish he realizes Kuru isn’t there to find out who wins and he knows something is up. Unfortunately, he also can’t leave until trivia is over so he begs Jeremy and Waverly to finish this thing ASAP.

Back at the cell, Wynonna and Ginny are bonding some more, and Wynonna is actually starting to like this gal.

“I can’t take them as chums.”

Ginny convinces her to let her check her notifications just a little, but as soon as Wynonna’s eyes are off her, Doug walks through the cell wall and grabs the genie. Wynonna lunges for Peacemaker but Doug stops her with wishes, getting Ginny to let them out of the cell and Wynonna to do his bidding. After meeting Wynonna he realized he didn’t want trivia brains anymore, he wants street brains. Wynonna is a different kind of smart than he had ever considered and he wants to be more like her. Which would be a very high compliment if this didn’t involve literally eating her brains.

“No I swear I’m very dumb, can’t even math, please don’t eat my brains.”

Trivia Night is getting tense as it’s down to Waverly and Jeremy, neither of which will tank Trivia on purpose to end the wish, again I think only 75% because of the wish and 25% because of who they are as people. Jeremy is all, “She’s your sister!” and Waverly is like “You’re FOUND FAMILY, you CHOSE her” and it’s very cute and a sweet acknowledgement that blood doesn’t automatically make a family. (Though sometimes it does; Wynonna and Waverly chose each other, too, even though they’re blood related.)

Time is running out though because Doug is having Ginny make Wynonna yeet dead bodies off tables and lie down so he can carve out her delicious gray matter. Ginny coaxes Doug into doing it himself, convinces him to silence Wynonna’s screams, nudges him into asking for a bigger gun. All while Wynonna watches in silent horror.

“If I had a nickel for every time I was paralyzed by a demon who wanted to cut me open…I’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.”

Nicole is pacing around Shorty’s basement when Doc comes down and says they need to end Trivia night, and the nerd vs nerd battle could go all night. Nicole knows what they need. They need a distraction. They need…Chicken Kicker.

The absolute superhero determination with which she said this added a year to my life.

Nicole gets a video from Rachel she promised she’d delete but Nicole knew she didn’t and starts broadcasting it to the whole room. It’s right after the election, everyone is celebrating the newly elected Sheriff Hoyt when Drunk Nicole comes stumbling in, shouting about fuck this and fuck that, fuck your votes and fuck your chicken dinner…and then she punts a whole roast chicken.

Wavelry thinks it’s very cute and I verily agree.

“I tried to fight demons with a cocktail umbrella and THIS is what you were embarrassed about? So cute.”

I really thought Nicole was caught drop kicking a live animal, so when it was revealed that it was cooked chicken she drunkenly booted, I could not stop laughing. It’s such a small-town thing to hold onto so tightly and I adore it.

The video distracts Waverly enough for Jeremy to get the final answer right, thus ending Trivia Night, allowing Doc to run off to Wynonna’s aid.

But back at the station, just before Doug can make what I’m sure was not going to be a surgical cut, he drops dead from the Kuru. Wynonna is pissed that Ginny was just going to let him do that, but Ginny insists she was helping by stalling him since it was clear he was about to die. Wynonna isn’t so easily convinced.

“And to think I resisted the urge to sing Genie in a Bottle ALL DAY for you.”

Doc shows up just in time to see the job is already done and his help is no longer needed, which is also my role on my Fortnite Squad, and when Wynonna makes it clear she doesn’t want him fraternizing with the genie, he turns on his heels and heads back to Shorty’s.

At Shorty’s, Nicole sits next to Doc and they have a very sweet, grown-up conversation about what went down with the Clantons. Nicole apologizes, and says she knows there’s no excuse, but does want to explain her reasons. She wanted Waverly back, and she knew that whatever the Clantons wanted with Doc, he could handle it. She had every intention of helping him out that situation, she just needed her girl back first. “I’d fight for you too, Doc,” she says. And Doc knows she means it.

Maturity! You love to see it.

Doc looks at his favorite Sheriff and tells her to tell them, too. The citizens of Purgatory. That she’d fight for them, because he knows she will. So she does.

She stands up in front of all the people who didn’t vote for her, and says she knows she’s a chicken kicker, but probably everyone in the room has kicked a metaphorical chicken or two in their day. She knows some people don’t like her because she’s an outsider, or because she’s gay, but she promised to protect this town, and she’s going to keep that promise.

Shit-Eater Bradley stands up and admits they do need her, and everyone in the bar raises their glass in agreement. It’s official, Sheriff Nicole Haught is reporting for duty. And Waverly is so proud of her girl for facing her fears and taking what she wanted.

I don’t even have anything clever to say because they’re too darn cute.

Ginny is about to leave the sheriff’s station when Wynonna and Peacemaker stop her. At first Ginny thinks Wynonna wants some wishes, but this demon hunter has other plans. Ginny says she was helping Wynonna, but Wynonna thinks this isn’t the first man driven into the ground by Ginny’s wish-giving tactics. She watched how the genie manipulated Doug, she saw how quickly she convinced him to stop Wynonna’s screams. And a woman who silences another woman so easily cannot be trusted. Ginny tries to convince her to take her up on her wish offer; she could stop what’s coming, she could make Doc love her again. But Wynonna can stop what’s coming. And if Wynonna can’t make Doc love her again herself, it’s not a love worth having.

Ginny says they’re the same, and then, just before shooting Ginny and sending her to hell, Wynonna says possibly the most devastating two sentences so far this season.

“The difference is, you have a way out. Genie, you’re free.”

You’d think I’d be used to Wynonna flipping from a fun-time gal to absolutely gutting, but it gets me every time.

Because that’s the root of why Wynonna is on this bender. Sure, she loves Doc and she hates that he thinks less of her now. But it’s more than that. Wynonna isn’t one to get all bent out of shape over a guy, not even Doc Holliday. Because it’s more than the fact that the man she loves doesn’t love her. It’s that Doc, a man she loves and trusts and who saw her more truly than any love interest had before, sees her the way she sees herself: as a monster. From the chime of midnight on her 27th birthday, Wynonna was convinced that all she had to do was end the Earp curse and then she’d be free to live a normal life. But then the curse was broken and that normal life never started. She still was tied to this demon hunting gun, and even if she had never found Peacemaker again, she knew too much now. She couldn’t have just sat back knowing there were things that went bump in the night and that she knew how to stop them. Death is her gift, and I think she truly believed that she was equal parts stopping Ginny from doing any more harm to others and saving Ginny from her cursed existence.

ANYWAY only three episodes left in this season, possibly ever, and surely they’ll all be light and fluffy and not at all full of anguish and misery for our beloved characters, right?

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