Previously on Wynonna Earp, Doc put on Bulshar’s ring, Jeremy met a boy named Robin who got yanked up by a vine, Bobo said Waverly’s biodad was an angel, and the demon driving Mama mad got loose and took the form of Zoie Palmer, who tried to get Waverly to kill herself but they defeated her.

And this week? This week is Christmas in Purgatory.

Wynonna puts on her Christmas onesie and slides around the Homestead halls, which Mama Earp has thoroughly decked. And considering last year probably went largely uncelebrated, since they were pretty neck-deep in her newly becoming the heir, and she was gone for a few years before that, this is probably a welcomed change.

I’ve never wanted anything as badly as I want a fur-lined hooded onesie.

Upstairs, Waverly is appreciating Nicole’s uniform for the day… a very frumpy but very adorable elf suit. Waverly giggles and puts Nicole’s hat on for her and Nicole is pouting but she’s very cute. Nicole plops down on the bed, defeated, but Waverly is quick to comfort her.

“The only place you wanna be Is underneath my Christmas tree.”

Doc busts into the Homestead just then, dragging a freshly cut tree behind him, looking rather proud of himself. Mama scares him away though, determined to take her place as matriarch in this family, desperate to make up for lost time.

Wynonna notices some fancy angel on the tree and tries to replace it with a homemade angel made of tampons but Mama insists on keeping the one SHE remembers. She wants to do this, for her girls.

If the angel goes on top of the tree, and Waverly is an angel… is Waverly a top?

Mama tells Wynonna to chase down Doc because she needs to get laid, which is funny for a few reasons. It’s like Mama Earp is stuck in two ways, because she spent so long with Jolene tormenting her, she was unable to really move on or grow; in one way, she’s still the mom of two young girls in her mind. In another, she’s still the whiskey-slinging, beloved Rodeo Queen. Maybe this is how she would have been with her 28-year-old daughter even if she had been there all along… but maybe not.

When she’s gone, Wynonna scoffs at the idea she needs to get laid. Needing no help getting laid, on the other hand, are Waverly and Nicole, who seem to have gotten so caught up in the elf costume situation that they forgot how very not soundproof the Homestead is, and are going at it upstairs.

Meanwhile, Nedley is begrudgingly playing an elfless Santa to some local kids. The kids are a little old and a lot sassy, but then one of them looks off into the wooded distance and calls out, “Santa?” and runs off. As the kid vanishes and all we hear are his distant screams, Nedley just stands there, staring, frozen.

Back at the homestead, Waverly says goodbye to her elf.

This kiss lead to a nose boop which is the perfect encapsulation of how these two are somehow sexy AND adorable.

Then Wynonna and Waverly tuck away for a little sister bonding. They agree that they’re glad Mama’s back but that it’s a little weird! Speaking of weird, Wynonna has news for Waverly… her dad was an angel.

Waverly storms into the kitchen and demands answers from her mom but Michelle busies herself with mutilating a turkey and keeps dodging the questions. The girls beg and so finally Mama tells them story of Julian, a kind, honest man who she had a lovely affair with until he disappeared before she gave birth.

Is it be or does Young Michelle look a little like Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual?

Mama insists Waverly was born out of love, but Wynonna doesn’t get how, if this guy was soooo good, he could just ditch a pregnant woman. Waverly asks if Mama ever tried to find him, but Jolene kept her from doing so. But Jolene is gone now.

I don’t know what I love more, Waverly’s sweet storytime face or Wynonna’s sweet “look how happy my sister is” face.

Waverly doesn’t feel like an angel, and since Mama never technically confirmed it, Wynonna posits that Bobo could have been lying. At the mention of Bobo, Mama tells the girls that Bobo was there in the greenhouse the night Waverly was born.

Wynonna gets a call just then, so she has to head out to help find the kid that went missing. After she leaves, Mama turns back to the turkey and Waverly tells her that she’s a vegetarian. Mama looks disapproving, saying, “You’re already a lesbian,” in that way that parents sometimes do when they don’t understand the nuance of sexuality or that we don’t make our dietary decisions as a way to directly and specifically spite them. Waverly chooses not to fight her in this moment and Mama takes the hint and changes the subject, asking if Nicole will join them for dinner, which she will.

Also Mama asks about Bobo in a way that seems a little like she was hoping Waverly wouldn’t ask follow-up questions about even though I myself had many follow-up questions.

Doc drags his tree to Jeremy, though by the time he gets to the old BBD office, it looks more like Charlie Brown’s tree. Jeremy doesn’t look like he has much holiday cheer though, or even his usual Holliday cheer — in fact, he’s even shaved his Doc-inspired ‘stache. You see, he thinks Robin has ghosted him, and his mustache was the easiest thing to immediately change about himself. It broke my whole heart for that sweet, sweet boy. Doc tells him to buck up and just contact Robin first and Jeremy gets a little bit of that spark back in his eyes as he does just that.

But his call doesn’t go through to Robin, since Robin’s phone is in a barrel of confiscated phones in a creepy basement torture chamber nightmare of a place. The little boy who had gone missing, Tim, is dragged before Bulshar, who asks his last name and says he’s on the naughty list. Tim is thrown in a cage with the newest member of the Unkillable Gay Squad, Robin.

Above ground, Wynonna shows up to the crime scene to find Nicole trying to calm down the crowd and Nedley in a trance. Nicole drags her away and sends her into the forest to meet up with someone named Charlie. Charlie Fire Services is a serious fella who watches Wynonna in fascination as she snarks and quips and insists that it’s fine she’s doing so because it’s obvious the blood they found was staged.

“I learned this stance from a Criminal Minds marathon.”

A tree throws a branch at her and he saves her and she is not used to having to be saved but he doesn’t make a big deal of it so she allows it. He notices that the tree is out of place but she shrugs it off and takes some of the blood samples to Jeremy to test.

Wynonna calls Waverly to update her and she gives Wynonna the Purgatory scoop about Tim being from an original Purgatory family. Also she lies and says she’s still with Mama when really she’s oot and aboot (aka at the well to see Bobo).

A pretty little liar

After Waverly confirms Tim is from an old family, Wynonna decides Bulshar is probably behind this, and Jeremy realizes that since Robin is from an old family too, probably he wasn’t ghosted!

Since this is a Bulshar problem and they know someone who was party of a kidnap-the-old-families plot before, Wynonna suggests she and Doc go talk to Big Nose Kate.

I would invite her in wherever she wanted to go.

Kate says that all she knows is that they were told the separate the old families but not kill them, because Bulshar “needed” them for something. That’s all she knew. They change the subject to Kate’s vampiricness and she says she’s been a vamp for as long as Doc has known her. She even said it right to his face before but he thought she was playing around.

Never has a fang reveal been so darn cute.

It’s why she was never in photos, and it’s why her friend Sally is in the picture everyone thinks is of Big Nose Kate. And she says she got the nickname from her “specialty in the boudoir” and maybe I’m just a sheltered lesbian but the only thing I can think of that would get you that nickname involves another woman so I’m just going to go ahead and headcanon Kate as bi now, please and thank you.

When Doc got sick, she couldn’t bear to watch him die the way immortal folks have to do so often, so she left and reunited with her vamp fam. She tries to get in with Wynonna by telling her she was friends with Wyatt too, but Wynonna isn’t having it. She digs Kate for squatting at Mercedes’ house so Kate retaliates by giving Doc his knife back that he left the night he spent with her.

Kate doesn’t want to play games but if she has to she will WIN.

Doc assures Kate that Wynonna will come around eventually but Kate wants him to pick her so she says exactly what he needs to hear, “She might not need you, Doc, but I do.”

Over by the well, Waverly asks Bobo about the whole angel-business, so Bobo picks up where Michelle’s story left off. After Michelle had the baby, Bobo appeared and found out the baby’s name was Waverly, and because of Wynonna’s time traveling, he knew he had to protect this child. Michelle passed out from blood loss so he took the baby to Ward, who was an asshat and didn’t want anything to do with a child that wasn’t his. But Bobo threatened his life if he didn’t protect the little angel Waverly.

Waverly doesn’t totally buy the Revenant ramblings and he implies that he knows where Julian is now, but she’s not playing his games.

No more Miss Nice Waverly.

When Wynonna and Doc get back to the station, they find themselves under the mistletoe. Wynonna doesn’t want to be the other woman, but Doc tries to assure her that’s not what’s going on here. Though he does lie straight to her face and says he hasn’t been with her in a century. She kisses him under the mistletoe but the fun and fire from earlier in the season is gone, and she is so, so sad about it.

Melanie Scrofano’s face can be a life ruiner when she wants it to be

Meanwhile, Nedley is talking to Nicole about how when the kid started screaming he just froze. Nicole tries to support him, saying she needs him, but he’s shook. And I’m shook because this is an extremely serious conversation and Nicole is still wearing her elf costume.

“Buddy the Elf, what’s your favorite color?”

Nicole says everyone has bad days, but Nedley says this is different. He binged Pretty Little Liars after the vampires came, but this one he can’t get out of his head about. So Nicole leaves him and heads up the search party on her own, finding a clue in the form of a strange dragon-lily looking thing. (I’m a city mouse, don’t @ me.)

It’s so refreshing to have a real professional at a crime scene instead of teens who touch everything with ungloved hands.

Down in Bulshar’s torture trove, Robin and Tiny Tim watch Bulshar shove a death seed into a dude’s mouth and then he pours green goop down their throats while soliloquizing about how he’s seeking revenge on the descendants of the people who were responsible for his downfall. I kind of liked him better when he was a looming presence in the distance and not a Grinch-like cartoon villain but I think I’m projecting my hatred of the Man in Black from Westworld onto him.

Jeremy’s blood test comes back positive for pig’s blood and Wynonna references Carrie and as someone who has recently become obsessed with Carrie the Musical I really wanted to return the high five she went for so it felt like I personally was let down by Nicole Haught when she left Wynonna hanging.

Reclaiming the self-five from Barney Stinson please and thank you.

Bulshar decides it’s Tim’s turn for torture but Robin bravely steps up and takes his place. It’s very sweet and bold and I love him??? I hope he doesn’t turn into a tree person. He’s dragged to a chair and tied down, but he’s brave and reassuring to Tim through the whole thing.

Above ground, Charlie Fire Services rolls up to Wynonna and Wynonna pulls out Peacemaker to test him for demon energies when he mentions the supernatural like it’s a TV show on the CW.

Wynonna wants him to be evil so bad.

Peacemaker doesn’t send up any warning signs so Wynonna allows him to flirt with her with the energy of a raw potato. I am feeling generally unsure about Charlie Fire Services thus far, in case you couldn’t tell.

One of my favorite music tropes is soundtrack dissonance so when a happy Christmas song is playing while Wynonna and Charlie Fire Services fight Bulshar’s elves in his workshop, it made me very happy. And one thing that did start to endear me to CFS is when Wynonna is quipping left and right, as she does, and he asks who she’s talking to. I did giggle a bit, I’ll give him that.

They rescue everyone and are bummed to learn that Bulshar wasn’t around. Also Robin has some goo on his face so it’s possible he’s already been feed the demon seed…

Chim chim cheree, this is a sooty situation.

Team Earp reunites all the captured folks, including Robin who immediately hugs Jeremy, who rambles about being afraid he was ghosted until Jeremy kisses him sweetly. Spoiler alert: I would die for Robin and/or Jeremy at this point.

Robin invites Jeremy over for Christmas dinner (which seems a little soon but maybe holidays are more casual in Purgatory) but Jeremy says he has to celebrate with his family. And I’m going to take a moment here to shout about it because when he first said it I was like, “whoa weird, Jeremy never talks about his family,” but then later he’s having dinner at the Earps because THIS TEAM IS HIS FAMILY. My heart nearly exploded with found family love.

Nicole tries to comfort Nedley by showing him that everything turned out okay but he’s still in a funk about the whole thing. He hands her his Santa hat and she asks if she’s going to be Santa next year…

BE CUTER I DARE YOU

…but it was actually a symbolic passing of the torch. He’s retiring, and Haught will be sheriff now. Sooner than any of us would like, to be honest.

Cut to the found family dinner, where it’s a little tense overall, mostly because I don’t think anyone knows how to act around Mama Earp, but Waverly is so happy everyone is together.

SAME, GIRL. SAME.

They do feel Dolls’ absence though, so they toast to him. And they also toast to Sheriff Nicole Haught.

So proud of her girl.

Doc feels weird so he excuses himself but Mama won’t let Wynonna go after him. Waverly picks at her vegetables which is such a relatable mood because I can’t tell you how many Christmases I’ve had to have a smorgasbord of sides because no one cared that I didn’t eat ham or roast beef.

Mama looks around at this table and tells Waverly that see? Her birth father doesn’t matter. Look at this family she’s made. They built this family their own selves and Mama couldn’t be prouder of what they’ve created in her absence.

Inspired by this island of misfit toys, Mama switches the angels and puts Waverly’s homemade tampangel on the tree.

Proud Mama indeed.

I still don’t 100% trust Mama’s state of mind/endgame, probably because I have mommy issues of my own, but I do believe she loves her girls, and watching her be proud of this found family instead of openly jealous that they thrived despite her being gone made my heart feel full.

After dinner, while they’re doing the dishes, Wynonna tells Mama that her baby daddy is married to a vampire and she still thinks she doesn’t deserve him. Cue my full heart breaking. Mama tells her not to settle, and Wynonna tells her they can find Julian if she wants. Together. But also reminds her that Julian ditched her when she had the baby and that she and Waverly will never leave her.

It’s funny, Mama looks so much like Waverly but acts so much like Wynonna.

Wynonna heads out, stopping for a sweet, almost tentative, “Love you, Mama.” And Mama’s face turns serious when her daughter is out of sight and I DON’T KNOW YOU GUYS, I’M NERVOUS OUR SESTRAS ARE GOING TO GET THEIR HEARTS BROKEN.

Wynonna goes to see Charlie Fire Services to get her yams mashed because he’s unshaken by her inappropriate humor and she digs that about him. He seems like a no-nonsense, no-strings guy, so he’ll do for now.

Meanwhile, Mama goes to Bobo and offers him freedom from his well-shaped prison in exchange for Julian’s location. Which all in all feels like a bad plan, Mama.

Back at the Homestead, Waverly wants to celebrate Nicole’s big news by dressing like a little Santa Baby and singing and dancing for her.

“Been an angel all year, Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.”

I usually get second-hand embarrassment watching any kind of lap dance situation happen to anyone, or really any kind of one-on-one, one-way performance type thing, but Waverly breaks up the potential awkwardness by giggling and making sure Nicole doesn’t feel weird about it. It’s all very sweet and I guess three times confirms that WayHaught is into role play.

I saw mommi kissing Santa Clause…

When Doc gets to Kate’s house (well, to Kate in Mercedes’ house), she says she had to fight off some of Bulshar’s elves, who came to collect fealty, but she fought them off for now. Doc promises to protect her, and Kate tells him she needs him, and I’m like 69% sure she doesn’t NEED him but wants him and knows that he needs to be needed. Either way, it’s exactly what Doc needed to hear, so Doc lets Kate bite him.

This is a plot twist I can really sink my teeth into. (Sorry.) (I’ll see myself out.)

And now??? I guess??? Doc Holliday is a vampire???!! Which is very cool. I watched this episode with my dad, and he’s not convinced it will stick, but Doc was wearing some uncharacteristic sunglasses in the preview for the next episode so who knows. Also the next episode looks like a ROMP so I’m pretty excited.

I can’t believe we’re already halfway through the season! I never want it to end! How are you feeling about the season overall so far? Hopes and dreams for the back half? Let’s process our feelings together!

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