Cut to a hot hot club in the wild lesbionic city of Los Angeles, California, which Mickey promises will be buzzing with lezbos looking to get laid sans tinder any minute now.
Come ON everybody knows Backwards Hat Day is optional and you know that bitch Stef isn’t wearing one
Nick, The Token Gay Friend, hops into the booth. I love how in lesbian shows, there’s always one gay guy and how in gay shows, there’s always one lesbian. I’m being serious. I do love that. Anyhow, Nick finds out about the breakup and responds as Gay Guys do, which’s to say, callously:
Nick: Well, forget about her okay, you can’t seem emotionally available if you’re gonna get laid tonight. You’ll end up in the friendzone and it’ll be BAD.
Micky: Do gay guys HAVE a friend zone?
Nick: Uh, no not really. There’s no such thing as platonic gays.
Pace: My stomach hurts.
Seriously after my first time, my ass bled for DAYS
Nick condemns Pace for eating old pizza and expired sushi instead of starving to death like you’re supposed to do when somebody breaks your little heart into pieces. Aspen hates everything because Aspen is Brittani and Brittani hates everything. Also, Becca’s gonna come rescue her any minute now, because she drank her blood. Nick says he went back to Georgia and came out to his parents, but it went poorly, so he said he was just kidding. Also, he loves Virgin Airlines because it’s the best. Aspen and Micky head to the bar to get their drink on.
That’s right, I’ve been wearing the same tampon for three days and it feels fucking fantastic.
Micky spots an attractive human she’d like to engage in sexual activities with. They describe her prospective paramour’s overall “look” as “don’t hate crime me, but also, not welcoming any male suitors.” Turns out the lady is a pilot! GET IT SHE’S A PILOT. PILOT IS THE WORD OF THE DAY!
If you have a minute I’d love to tell you why an investment in Cutco knives is an investment in your future!
Meanwhile, Aspen’s outside trying to get in touch with Becca, but it keeps going to voicemail, which means Aspen is stuck at this bar, which is basically my worst nightmare.
Wait, so the Somebody app’s alert sounds are Miranda July’s actual voice?
Aspen returns to the bacchanal to find Micky temporarily smitten by The Pilot. Aspen doesn’t approve.
Aspen: She’s surrounded by what look to be a bunch of mediocre rapists, what sort of self-respecting lesbian comes to a gay bar with straight dudes?
Micky: Oh it’s just some people from her flight crew.
Aspen: What self-respecting lesbian has a straight crew?
Nick leans up from having his tongue down a straight crew-member’s throat to suggest that these men aren’t actually straight!
Hey, anybody got a chapstick they could lend me?
Meanwhile Pace is drinking herself to death and considering purchasing a waterproof vibrator for crying and masturbating and showering at the same time.
Peanut allergies are a drag, dude
Aspen can’t find Micky but HEY-O IT’S AUTOSTRADDLE MUSIC EDITOR STEF!
HEY-O
Aspen escorts Pace home and gets her into bed — but first there’s a moment that you think they’re about to DO IT and that’s when you realize that there are so many possibilities of what could happen next with these humans that you have a deep personal investment in ensuring that this show makes it to the television set.
Now lie on your back with arms and legs spread at 45 degrees, close your eyes and breathe deeply as your whole body relaxes with an awareness of the chest and abdomen rising and falling with each breath
Pace: “Erica’s right, I never know what anyone wants.”
Aspen sits on Pace’s mattress, forlorn. “I know what I want,” Aspen says says, “but I don’t know if I want it yet. ‘Cause what if I get it, and I’m still not happy, and its’ not because of any of this… it’s me.”
Oh, girl.
Cut to Becca’s apartment, where Aspen has arrived after what was undoubtedly a delightful 45-minute Saturday night bus ride. Aspen’s pissed but Becca’s like, whatever, my phone died, SORRRRRYYYYYY. She should get a car charger. I’m going to find out when Becca’s birthday is and send her a car charger.
Look, I’m telling you, Amy is not confused about her sexuality, they’re just making it seem that way
When pressed, Becca finally apologizes, but if I were Aspen I’d be like, “this is a really bad indicator of things to come.” Actually, I think that is how Aspen feels. Aspen looks outside. A plane flies by, probably with a PILOT in the cockpit.
The next morning, Micky’s surprised to greet the dawn and find Aspen present in her very own home, having just returned from Becca’s.
Aspen: I’m secretly still pissed that she didn’t pick me up last night but I’m trying to pretend I’m not extremely petty. It’s exhausting.
OH GIRL
No bro, I’m telling you, there’s no better place to hide your glass dildo than a popcorn bag
Pace, freshly refreshed after her feelings nap and several listens of, I imagine, “Stay With Me,” hops into the living room and declares that it’s time for a NO PANTS PARTY. What’s a NO PANTS PARTY? Only the most adorable thing of all time! Pizza + lesbians + music – pants = no pants party. Get into it.
The truth won’t set you free bitches; I’m going to bury you with it. Kisses -A
What will happen next time? PLEASE LESBIAN JESUS LET THERE BE A NEXT TIME.
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It is important to my health that this show continue.
in addition to buying becca a car charger i would also like to petition to buy everyone in the cast some nice pajamas because there was a lot of sleeping in jeans in this episode and it made me sad.
I already wrote up all my thoughts and feelings about the pilot in the Open Thread about it (before I read this even). I would just like to say, however, that this was a most excellent and satisfying recap. And also the picture captions were even more amazing than usual.
I think, Riese, that if you got hired by like The A.V. Club or something to just review television and music and movies all the time and couldn’t write for AS anymore, I might not even be sad*. That is how good you are at it.
*I actually would be quite sad, but also very excited. It would be a bittersweet sort of thing I guess. Luckily for us, you write about TV and everything else on AS already, so all the bases are covered.
Oh girl, I’m not writing about tv here because I couldn’t get a job doing so elsewhere / haven’t had offers, I’m here because I own this ship to the tune of 80 hours a week, love you weirdos (team and readers alike) and wanna make a difference in this silly world! And possibly because I’m a masochist determined to make my life as complicated as possible? Tbd.
Seeing stuff happen like someone wanting to make brittani’s show is part of what makes it all worth it though. Not to sound like a self help book but I think we strange queer geniuses are worth it, and every now and then the world gives us a nod. We are all just super happy for Brittani and the prospect of better queer tv.
Somehow my phone wants to auto correct Brittani to “brittana” don’t know what to think about that
<3
Oh, I took your employability as, you know, an amazing writer to be a given, and I know how much (at least to the extent that you’ve talked about it on the site) of yourself you have put into the miracle that is Autostraddle.
I was just musing that if it eventually became too much, reading your excellent thoughts in other publications would soothe my sorrow; and that I would understand. I’ve been pondering the following Tori Amos quote lately: “But sometimes people want me to give them what their human value is. I can’t do that; it’s a bottomless pit. I could never pay you in fruit, land, money, or blowjobs what your worth as a human being is. And I’m not going to start opening up my veins and bleeding until they cry enough – because they may never cry enough!”
And you have indisputably made a huge difference in the world.
I have been having a lot of feelings this week, thank you for baring with me <3
PS: I misread and thought your phone auto-corrected 'Brittani' to 'Britannia', and I was all, "well, Brittani Rules, so that follows; and how nice that your phone has recognized her awesomeness!" : D
i love your feelings!
Wait so in California you can buy whiskey at the grocery store??? That’s amazing.
Also Riese your captions made the Words With Girls pilot even better which I didn’t know was possible.
I am *immediately* in love with this show and all its characters and want it to live forever (or at least to see another episode soon.)
I really really need there to be an episode two recap. Meaning I really really need there to be an episode two. Rarely do I enjoy a pilot so much, especially on the very first watch. Yay Brittani!
I agree with all of this!
also a v. atmospherically apt Mal Blum song while the airplane whooshes across the night sky.
It’s a sign!!!
“don’t hate crime me, but also, not welcoming any male suitors.”
Welp, I think they just described my “look”. Now I feel sad and amused at the same time.
Which is to say, this show’s comedy is is spot-on.
“Pace wants to check and see if Erica got in okay, which always drives me nuts because listen, if her flight did not get in okay, it would be on the news. Whenever a well-meaning friend is like, “text me so I know you got in okay,” I’m like, “if we crash, I’m sure it’ll be on twitter.””
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO MY MUM KTHX
and oh man, if someone tried to pull Becca’s “omg why are you so upset” schitck I would be NOT HAPPY. And I totally understand the exhaustion of trying to not seem like you are pissed at petty things. sigh.
Yeah I was basically talking about my mom tbh
just wanted to express my public support for car chargers AND THIS PHENOMENAL RECAP OF THIS PHENOMENAL SHOW!!!
“oh, girl.” is right. that shit hit me right in the feels.
My girlfriend and I watched this tonight and our favorite part was when Aspen plugs Pace’s phone in after tucking her drunk ass in.
A) That’s such a good and thoughtful thing for a friend to do!
B) Also, great writing! If only Aspen’s girlfriend’s had someone with her at that party who cared enough to help her charge her phone.
Please let there be more of this show.
I am learning something new about lesbians and it is that we are all pretty interested in phone charging.