As we mentioned in yesterday’s roundtable, it can seem like other people (especially the ones on the internet) have ~all the answers~ when that is generally and in specific here DECIDEDLY not the case. In talking about what felt special or vulnerable to share and discuss during this bi+ week, we talked about how scary and challenging it can feel to talk about what we’re still unsure about or questioning when it comes to bisexuality and bi community — especially because as bi folks we often feel a specific and intense pressure to be “sure” or that we won’t change our mind. Here was what came up for us – what about you?
Loving these questions
So much good content here to digest. Appreciate y’all.
I sometimes feel that having to constantly justify our existence and validity takes up the space we should be using to organise, advocate and get things done. But then again, I see the need to continue to talk about our identities and labels since they get attacked all the time. I just wish I could find a way to do both at the same time.
Bisexual is a deeply political and historical label and we need to reclaim the space that’s been taken away from us in our own history. There’ve been bisexuals in all queer organisations at all points in time, it’s just that again, they’ve been erased. So we should at least start acknowledging their existence ourselves. I’ve assisted to Bi Activism and Bi Identity panels in my country’s last National Women, Lesbian, Trans and NB people Meeting and there was so much internalised biphobia it was enraging and disheartening, but it also gave me hope that they’d been able to go to the panel in the first place and were working to dismantle that fear in themselves.
I definitely want to see us organised, I want more men (wow, the one place where I want to see more male representation) in bi spaces, more nb folk in bi spaces, all genders in bi spaces. And as Rachel mentioned, I want to see action, I want to see direct impact, I want to see lives improved.
Thank you Rachel for your work in this year’s bi week and thank you everyone for your questions and thoughts.
“if you question one thing that seems to be a core pillar of your world, you realize you don’t have to just accept what you’re told or given or made to do.”
Yes! I’ve been fortunate to have had multiple opportunities to do this – with sexual orientation, gender, autisticness, politics, chronic illness / disability. The process does expand the perceived possibilities for Life and The World, sometimes in dizzying and exhausting ways.
I really love this comment. This expresses really well how I feel.
I love Rachel’s questions. I, too, want to move into material / praxis (rather than just theory/ideology) because we really fcking need each other and that will only get more intense as time goes on.
KaeLyn, I would love to know more about being an openly bisexual parent! Today I wore my flag pin on my work shirt and several of my students (mostly age two and three) asked what it was, because I don’t wear pins or other accessories at work. I mostly stuck to “Oh, it’s a bi pride pin because today is a special day” because I have no idea what they might absorb and repeat to their parents. I want to remove that self-preservation and be able to have open, honest conversations!
Ditto! As I said I’m hoping to have kids soon and I want to be an openly bisexual parent too!
Hello, @caseythecanadianlesbrarian and @caitthegreat! So lovely to see you here. The short answer is, I don’t exactly know if I’m doing it right. For a while, Remi kept fighting me on making her toys play as two moms or two dads. She wanted ONE mom and ONE dad! She’s a little more open now that her brain is forming more complex schemas–lol. For toddlers, they are only beginning to understand romantic love. Remi often tells us that we’re “in love” and that she wants to marry one or both of us, for example. In terms of understanding relationships, we’ve just consistently enforced that people can be in relationships with people of the same gender or different genders. Women can love women, men can love men, women and men can love each other, some people are just people and aren’t women or men and they can be in love, too. As far as Remi knows, everyone in the world is cool with this idea. We haven’t delved into exact terminology yet. That said, there are some good kids books out there to start that convo! GabyBC is a good one for younger kids. I know that when she’s a little older, we will talk about sexual orientation and she’ll probably have her own experiences with how others react, too. So far, it’s been ok. We’re actually working more on articulating non-binary gender to her in a way that she can understand. What I’ve found so far is to just keep it simple and keep repeating the things you want them to learn even if you think they aren’t hearing. They do hear it! Recently she asked us if she is a boy or a girl. We replied, “That’s something only you can know. Are you a boy or a girl or are you a person that’s not a boy or a girl like daddy?” and she said she didn’t know, thought about it, then said, “I’m a girl.” “OK!” was our only reply. Again, no idea if this all is working the way we want it to, but I’ve found she has the ability to understand complex shit if we just put it in easy terms and don’t make a big deal out of it.
That said, it’s different with your own kid v. working at a school. I understand wanting to preserve your income and job because that is the world we live in–we need to pay to live and eat. If your district/school is fairly open-minded and/or your laws protect you from discrimination, I think you could put it very simply. Like, “that’s the symbol for someone who can fall in love with men, women, and any genders” or something like that. Kudos to you for being out at work at all! <3
I am trying to experiment with how to leave comments when it is often really challenging for me to find words.
The way this article makes me feel is: “Wow, cor blimely, [yes, yes, I am a Brit :-) ] these people who are part of my bisexual tribe are SO smart and SO eloquent and SO interesting. I learn sooooo much from them, it feels amazing! I am so glad I have been reading Autostraddle for eleven years, it has shaped me into who I am. Wow, I am part of these non-binary folks and womens’ community Just By Being Alive! That feels amazing!
😭 thank you so much for making the effort to share this, it means so much to me!
Thank you Rachel. To receive this response feels honouring, and Important. I am on a journey of understanding that I,a loyal supporter, avid fan, and deep, long term reader, struggle with the type of imposters’ syndrome which I might name “not very smart, not highly educated, my words aren’t cool or interesting enough”. Of course I am “smart” in other ways – I am enormously emotionally intelligent for example.
I am trying to learn how to leave comments that feel authentic and true. I can access this by feeling into my body and then trying to say how it feels.
The way it feels to receive a response from a woman – Rachel Kincaid – who for me is heroic, and has been a “teacher” [I don’t mean to put you on an uncomfortable pedestal Rachel] of mine for many years is:
The way my body feels is… “yay! yaaaaaaay! hooray! well done Millsy! You are being VERY brave! well done for allowing that your heart is pounding and yet you are grounded, and you are Speaking Your Truth on the internet!!!!!!! On the INTERNET!! well done sweetheart! *happy sigh* :)))))))))”.
Congratulations on your engagement @caseythecanadianlesbrarian! I’m a very out bi parent and while there were definitely aspects of that experience that made me feel far from queer community, there were also some lovely surprises of finding others in a similar boat, I’ve got a solid few fellow queer parents in my circle. And as my children have got older, I’ve been able to pick up more of the non-kid socialising in queer spaces.
It can be hard sometimes when you’re aware of the ‘ugh, breeders’ kind of mindset esp from some gay guys, which puts you in a shitty position of feeling bad about what should be a happy thing or having to justify your queerness.
And it can definitely add to a certain amount of invisibility/people making assumptions about your orientation.
However, it is also super fun and it’s an amazing feeling to give my fledgling gaybies the safety and the information that I didn’t myself have as a kid.
If you ever want to talk, I’m happy to!