Have you ever stared so deeply and so acutely into the void that all you can think about is apples and bananas? Me too. Luckily, this is the one (1) week in the calendar year that the entire Autostraddle x For Them team is working together in person, which meant we have been presented with the rare opportunity to rank fruits by how good they are all together as a team!!!
The rules of the ranking game were this:
- I named a fruit, and then everybody held up their hands with a ranking of 1 to 5.
- Each participant was allowed to give one (1) “10” to their favorite fruit.
- We added up the numbers and the rankings below reflect which fruits got the highest scores when added up.
- I opened up the floor to comments for each fruit and have shared highlights below.
Involved in this ranking exercise were Autostraddle Editors Riese, Kayla and Drew; CEO Kylo; CMO Em; Ops Manager Laneia; Social Media and Communications / Social Media Lead Motti and Digital Content Creator Tima.
Please let us know in the comments if you vehemently disagree with any of these rankings or if you agree with your whole heart.
32. Cranberries
Riese: What context do people even consume cranberries in?
Kayla: You can boil them. I eat dried cranberries all the time.
Riese: Whenever I eat a salad with dried cranberries, I’m like… I wish this was a dried cherry. You know?
31. Apricot
Fruit background of fresh apricots, closeup view from top
Kylo: No, I don’t want it.
Drew: They are very good dried. I get that we aren’t ranking dried fruits but I think it should be noted in the piece that apricots are good dried. [Looks at Riese] Are you writing this down?
30. Acai
Kylo: Like, in a bowl?
Riese: Strictly a bowl fruit.
I don’t like that it turns my mouth purple.
Em: Yes, exactly.
Kayla: It’s a superfood!
29. Kiwis
Motti: I’ve never had one. Are you kidding me? I don’t think I could put that in my mouth.
Kayla: I like it in a fruit salad.
Motti: It has hair on it!
Drew: It’s a supporting player.
Tima: I like it cubed at the bottom of a drink.
27. Guava
Kayla: You can get it at fruit salads in Publix in Florida.
Drew: Guava jam is my favorite type of jam.
26. Dragonfruit
Drew: If we were ranking them by how pretty they are, this would be at the top.
25. Grapefruit
Em: Oh I LOVE a grapefruit.
Motti: I’ve never had one but I’ve tasted it in a White Claw before. And it seems way too sweet for me.
Kylo: It’s not sweet at all. It’s bitter. That’s why I hate it.
Kayla: You really have to load it up with sugar.
Kylo: I think that’s what happened with Motti’s White Claw. They loaded it up with sugar.
24. Cantaloupe
Em: Ew! Disgusting. Hate.
Motti: I LOVE cantaloupe.
Em: It gives me a headache, it reminds me of nail varnish remover.
Drew: I love the smell of nail varnish remover.
Em: It gives me a headache even thinking about it.
Motti: I really love a melon!
23. Papaya
Em: Natural laxative.
Tima: I rebuke them completely.
22. Honeydew Melon
Riese: I just feel like melon is so overrepresented in fruit salads, like I want berries, I want apples — and instead I always get melons. Other fruits I penalized for this same sin are pineapple and grapes. I fucking hate it when I order a fruit salad and what I get is a bunch of grapes and a bunch of melon. What am I paying for?
Kylo: Also don’t order a fruit salad, you know what i mean?
Riese: But it’s like, the specter of health…
21. Blueberries
Fresh blueberry background. Texture blueberry berries close up.
Drew: I’m just gonna shout out a little Canadian thing — Wild Ontario Blueberries are like a whole different fruit and those would be a 6 out of 5..
Em: Blueberries have a low glycemic index and full of antioxidants. So they get a “4” from me for that. But they’re underwhelming as a taste.
Tima: It tastes like nothing to me.
Em: They even taste cool-toned.
20. Apples
Kayla: They take too long to eat.
Em: It must be crisp, it can’t be powdery.
Drew: I agree, love a crisp apple, neutral on other apples.
Kylo: They’re so inconsistent, I never know what I’m gonna get.
Drew: Life is like a box of apples, you never know what you’re gonna get!
19. Tomatoes
Motti: I love a sauce, I love pico de gallo, but the thought of a sliced tomato on a sandwich? Way too watery.
Tima: I could eat a tomato like an apple.
Riese: I love a cherry tomato.
18. Bananas
Motti: I love bananas.
Tima: Really? THAT’s the one you like?
Motti: It’s the same texture all the way through, there’s no surprise hardness or softness, it’s all the same.
Tima: I can’t stand bananas! What about those stringy sides?
Motti: I’ve never had to notice that, I don’t think.
Kylo: Don’t ruin bananas for him.
17. Lychee
Motti: Can I give it a negative?
Kylo: They look like little balls.
Em: They’re like dragon eggs
Motti: I want everyone to know I respect everyone else’s opinions on fruit, I know that I’m the weird one.
Drew: I think if you’re not slapping lychee out of people’s hands, it’s okay to dislike them.
16. Pineapple
Kylo: I feel anti-Jamaican but the truth is they make me do this face— (makes a puckered / shivering face)
Tima: Is it too sour for you?
Kayla: I like pineapple on the beach.
Motti: I’m starting to like it in little situations like little ones on a pizza — but I don’t wanna eat like a CHUNK of pineapple.
15. Cherries
Motti: It makes me anxious just to think about cherries. I really like the cherries that come in the jar for Shirley Temples ‘cause there’s no pits, it’s just one bite and you’re done.
Em: That’s basically sweets.
Drew: We know that tying a cherry string with your tongue is a sexy move but I think spitting out cherry pits is too.
Kylo: I don’t understand why they’re traditionally sexual. They’re so finicky?
Riese: But aren’t people also finicky?
Tima: I think it’s the visual, too.
Kayla: They definitely signal summer to me.
Em: The way they shine…. I like that.
14. Pears
Drew: I love just eating pears but also they’re so versatile for cooking. I had a pear ravioli that was really good.
Em: I don’t like the stringy filaments in a pear. I don’t like them.
Kayla: Underrated.
Laneia: I love a pear but i cannot abide that skin, it’s like what I feel like would be left behind if I ate a bug. It’s too papery.
Kylo: Same comment as “peaches” for me.
Riese: So… juicy?
Kylo: Yes.
Riese: The pears I eat are hard as rock.
Kylo: You’re eating the wrong pears.
13. Pomegranate
Kylo: The taste is good but that’s too much effort.
Em: You know, I realize I’m a fruit-thusiast!
12. Grapes
Motti: I really like grapes.
Kayla: I like them frozen but I never buy them because they’re so extremely poisonous to both dogs and cats. One grape can kill a dog!
11. Oranges
Motti: Now these have weird stringy things that do piss me of, and the thick lining — but I can do it.
Em: I’m so shocked that you can eat an orange.
Motti: Oranges are really easy for me ’cause they’re so juicy, and I love that.
10. Plums
Kayla: I love a plum. It’s my favorite stone fruit.
Riese: I love a plum that’s not all the way ripe yet.
Em: My grandma had a plum tree and those things tasted different.
Laneia: Exactly. I do too and you can’t get a plum that’s as good as those.
9. Blackberries
Kylo: Raspberries are shit blackberries, in my mind.
Drew: Yes the seeds get stuck in your teeth but it can become a little game. You can spend a whole afternoon trying to get that out of your teeth. What a great way to pass the time.
Kylo: They beautifully explode in your mouth —like … a surprise… a beautiful surprise of joy?
Riese: Juicy?
Kylo: Yes juicy, they’re really juicy.
8. Watermelon
Em: Overrated, it’s messy, it gets powdery real quick.
Motti: I love a watermelon.
Kylo: i just love Dirty Dancing
7. Lime
Drew: Yesterday when I had half a lime left after making the drinks I just ate the leftover lime straight.
Kylo: Limes are fine but lemons are terrible.
Tima: Have you seen the channel where people are cutting up limes and putting salt on them and eating them like chips?
Drew: No… but I think I would like that.
6. Raspberries
Kylo: They’re so sour and weird!
Tima: The reason I like raspberries is the reason I dislike blueberries, I feel like raspberries are way more extra. Where blueberries are just super underwhelming.
Laneia: The only thing raspberries ever did wrong was have little hairs. The only thing.
Riese: A not good raspberry is gross but a perfect raspberry is as perfect as anything could be in this world.
5. Lemons
Kayla: That’s my ten!
Em: I love to eat them raw.
Kayla: I put them on everything, literally everything. My water…
Em: I love to eat them like an apple.
4. Peaches
Kylo: So juicy.
Em: I think they have the most unique flavor profile of any fruit.
Motti: For these two reasons is why I ranked it ‘one.’ Because of the fuzz, the flavor — it’s overwhelming.
Drew: Well, they metaphorically represent both butts and vaginas.
Riese: Also overwhelming to consider.
3. Avocado
[everyone gives avocados a “5” except Drew who gives it a “4”]
Riese: What do you have against avocados!
Drew: 4 is still really high. I just think that they have to be perfect, they’re not consistent.
2. Strawberries
Motti: I love strawberries.
Em: But that has hairs and seeds!
Motti: Don’t. Don’t say anything.
Kylo: Don’t do that to Motti.
1. Mango
Tima: Mangoes remind me of Jamaica.
Kylo: SAME!
Kayla: It’s very Indian too.
Motti: The first time I ever had a mango I was on acid and it scarred me for life. I had a really bad trip. Now I’m scared of mangoes forever. I don’t even want to think about a mango.
Please share your own feelings on fruit in the comments with as much emotion as possible thank you.
CHERRIES ARE THE BEST FRUIT
sounds like something cherry bomb would say
seconding drew on the wild ontario blueberries, they are to die for. i would die for them.
Literally so good.
justice for blueberries!!!!???
Justice for blueberries!!!!
Spitting cherry pits was a pivotal flirting moment early in my now-8 year strong relationship, still an inside joke. I feel seen!
YOU GET IT.
Thank you for this glassy smooth place to rest my brain amidst all the horrors!
ur so welcome
But what of nectarines?
They are truly the superior peach in my opinion.
see we actually talked about this and felt like it was sort of basically a type of peach and if we got into that then what about clementines and tangerines?????? but also like …. what if we’re wrong….
love fruits on fruits
Mangos are the best fruit, but justice for apples! A really good apple can change your day.
truly i was shocked that we did not get more 5s for apples??? honeycrisp????
Pomegranate is the best fruit because it’s also a stim toy while you eat it.
shout out my fellow texture sensitive fruits
I’ve got to find a way to make and ship my family recipe holiday cranberry jam to AS headquarters lol, that on a slice of toasted sourdough will ruin you for all other bread toppings 😋
omg i need this