If you’re like me and you love putting words to things, here’s one: MOREs, which stands for mixed orientation relationships or, in more words, a relationship in which the partners involved have different sexual orientations, including ones that don’t even match each other.
MOREs are an under-discussed topic despite how common they are, so I want to get into the weeds a little. What makes a MORE? What can they tell us about how people experience love? What makes them easier or more difficult to keep in our lives?
MOREs first slipped across my radar when I was studying the psychology of dating and personal identity. It popped up in ‘older’ research dating to the 20th Century when queerness was much, much more stigmatized in most places. Sympathetic researchers working with queer populations would inevitably run into Mixed Orientation Marriages, or MOMs, often in the form of a heterosexual partner married to someone who was gay (closeted or not).
These stories usually included the conflict you’d expect about a queer person spending their life with someone with whom they were sexually and romantically incompatible. The difficulty was often compounded by marriage inequality and increased social stigma. Children or linked finances often tied the MOM together for life, even if they wanted to be apart. These relationships get stickier the further back you go. Access to no-fault divorce didn’t just reduce women’s suicide rates by up to 20% over time. It also gave people in unhappy mixed orientation marriages an escape route.
Despite claims by the Perpetual Bad News Machine (social media) and our 24-hour news cycle, social conditions for queer Americans are much better now. Yes, there are stern efforts to undo the progress, but the verve and anger we deliver in return shows just how much more we care about queer livelihoods today. There was a time when the repression of queer people wasn’t a hot topic, but the tacitly accepted status quo by most of society.
MOREs are still here, but they’ve changed shape. Our awareness of how people experience attraction has exploded (in a good way). MOREs are more common than ever because of how many sexual identities we acknowledge. They’re also happier and more consensual than ever. We’re better equipped to know our sexuality and form relationships with others who know theirs.
Despite its fading relevance in academia thanks largely to wider social acceptance of queerness, I still think MOREs are relevant. MORE is still a useful term that can explain our lives and experiences. If you’ve been in one, you’ve probably learned that a difference in sexual identity can be a source of mutual understanding or endless frustration.
Which is why I brought some questions to people who’ve been in MOREs to get their perspectives.
1. What are your pronouns and current gender identity?
Moira*, discussing her relationship with a heterosexual man: I’m Moira. I go by she/her pronouns and I’m a cisgender woman.
Finn, discussing their relationship with : My name is Finn Rindlisbacher, they/them, non-binary.
Denise*, discussing her relationship with a heterosexual man: My name is Denise* and I’m a cisgender woman (she/her).
2. What’s one case of your mixed sexual orientations being a source of stress?
Moira: Well, my boyfriend almost gave up on first asking me out because he found out my previous partner was a woman, thought I was a lesbian, and was completely crushed. That was pretty stressful for him.
Finn: It could be stressful as his white-knuckled clutch to the label of heterosexuality made me reconsider if he actually saw me and respected me as my preferred gender or saw me only as my assigned gender (I was female at birth) because otherwise his masculinity would be threatened.
Denise: My last boyfriend was heterosexual, and we started our relationship with a poly arrangement. For a long time, he got noticeably jealous about me being with men, but this wasn’t the case with women. This brought up some insecurities in me.
3. What is the best thing about being in a mixed orientation relationship?
Moira: It sounds cheesy, but the best thing about a mixed-orientation relationship is the opportunity to appreciate different viewpoints. For example, on some level I instinctively believed that everyone had the same experience of ‘choosing’ to be straight as a teenager due to social pressures. But some people are just like, really straight.
Finn: I suppose it broadens your perspective of how others experience attraction and means you’re not stuck in what could almost be considered to be a state of confirmation bias about the nuances of relationships and romance in general.
Denise: Dating someone heterosexual as a bisexual woman meant that I could induct him into queer communities and culture. It brought him into queer culture in a safe way and gave him some of the space he needed to do some personal exploration without judgment from me, his partner.
4. Silliest thing to happen because of your different sexual orientations. Go.
Moira: When my boyfriend tentatively asked me about my sexuality a couple months into dating, and I realized that I’d never actually explained it or even hinted at it, beyond mentioning previous partners of different genders. I felt silly for not bringing it up (especially because single-sex attracted people can be insecure about it, so it’s worth addressing), but he’d made me feel so comfortable being myself that it completely slipped my mind.
Finn: The silliest thing to happen was once when we went out for a walk and saw a really pretty girl, and we both immediately looked at each other like “Oh my gosh! Are you seeing what I’m seeing?!” And started crushing from afar immediately.
Denise: Gradually exposing him to lesbian cat culture until he saw reason and became a cat person. He even started describing himself as a cat lesbian in a man’s body. Even though we split up, he recently told me he’s looking to adopt a proper little drain rat.
After getting people’s opinions on MOREs, I was a little surprised to see that I went three-for-three on people seeing mixed sexual orientations as a way to see new perspectives. It turns out that buy-in and honesty can turn differences into points of learning.
Still, mixing up sexual orientations does add a bit of difference in the relationship. That can mean misunderstandings, conflict, or even incompatibility in some areas. I don’t rag on people who lean toward people of the same sexual orientation, because finding common ground is the start to strong relationships. Not everyone can thrive in relationships with people who are different in something so important as sexual orientation, and that’s okay.
Above all, MOREs are a showcase of how many shapes a queer relationship can take. I’ve met asexuals who love their allosexual spouses, but won’t be fucking much. My current relationship began with me, a cis-het guy, dating a bisexual woman. One thing led to another, and there are only bisexual women in this house now.
The MORE label is helpful to me because it brings awareness to relationships that are defined by joining through our diversity. It nudges us into thinking about our relationship dynamics, but there’s none of the pressure to identify hard and underline ourselves by the term to the exclusion of our other vibrance. I like that.
*These names have been changed for privacy
omg, this is literally the first time I’ve seen a discussion of mixed-orientation relationships outside of asexual spaces! As you can imagine, with how few ace-spectrum people there are, a lot of us who date wind up in these. It can go really badly, with a sad amount of relationships ending with the allo partner revealing they thought they could convert the ace partner into having sexual attraction the whole time. It’s something that’s not going to work for everyone and requires a lot of communication. Thanks for talking about it!
(As for a personal silly anecdote: my partner eventually came out to me as a trans woman. After giving me her big speech about it and discussing her transition goals, she turned to me and said, “wow you are taking this really well.” And with the most sarcasm I could manage I said, “oh no, you’re not the gender I thought you were, this totally threatens my lack of attraction to all genders,” and she howled with laughter. It never occurred to her that I wouldn’t care!)
I may not be asexual, but I do try to keep asexual people in mind when I write <3
Telling my bi GF I'm trans was a similar experience. No sarcasm, just mild surprise that it was happening and then absolutely nothing changing whatsoever.
Careful there Denise, you may have found a trans woman in her egg, not just inducted a guy into queer culture 😅 I’m pretty sure I had described myself similarly… In any case, be gentle with your partner.
(Sigh, oh the days of feeling like a lesbian in a man’s body and not realizing it meant I really was a lesbian and a woman, just a special kind… No wonder my queerness confused me back in the day, I am so gay for girls…)
Shhhhhh… remember the prime egg directive!
I feel like the obvious absence here is a relationship between a lesbian and a bi woman, or similar. Would that not be considered a mixed-orientation relationship by this definition? Or just not as much interesting to say?
Like one of the other commenters, I’ve only heard this previously discussed in terms of people on the ace or aro spectra dating allo people. It seems like the different mixes of orientation play out very differently. It seems (I could be wrong because the boyfriends described are not specified in terms of if they’re cis men or not, and no one specifies whether they’re on the aro or ace spectra) like the examples here are all a mix of queer allo and straight allo. A lot of different insights than the ones I’m used to from acespec folks dating allos!
I would recommend Ace by Angela Chen for discussion of mixed orientation relationships involve ace and allo people, as well as Ace Dad Advice on Youtube.
You’re right on femme MOREs. I only ended up with responses from women previously in relationships with hetero men because those were the ones who answered my call for respondents. I suspect it’s because that most of the queer women in that group who wanted to answer had more to say about past relationships with men than more recent ones with one.
And yup, I definitely think that the most interesting thing about MOREs is just how many ways the dynamics can play out. It really illustrates just how complex sexuality and attraction are when a relationship dynamic can change entirely based on the sexual orientation and needs of a partner.
A lesbian and bisexual woman relationship, or something comparable, seems to be conspicuously absent from this situation. By this definition, wouldn’t that be seen as a mixed-orientation relationship? or simply less intriguing to discuss?
Similar to another commentator, I’ve only heard about this topic in relation to those on the ace or aro spectrum dating allo people in the past. The various orientation mixtures appear to behave somewhat differently. It appears (though I could be mistaken given the boyfriends mentioned aren’t identified as cis guys and nobody says if they’re on the ace or aro spectrum) that the cases shown here are a mixture of straight and queer allo. Many different perspectives than what I’m used to hearing from acespec people that date allos!
For a discussion of mixed-orientation relationships involving ace and allo persons, I would suggest Ace by Angela Chen and Ace Dad Advice on YouTube.
There doesn’t seem to be a lesbian and bisexual woman relationship, or anything like, in this scenario. Wouldn’t that be considered a mixed-orientation relationship by this definition? or just less interesting to talk about?
Like another commenter, I’ve only heard about this subject in reference to persons who had previously dated allo people who are on the ace or aro spectrum. There seems to be some variation in the behavior of the varied orientation mixes. The partners described aren’t defined as cis guys, and it’s unclear if they’re on the ace or aro spectrum, so I could be mistaken, but it looks like the cases shown here are a mix of straight and queer allo. Quite different viewpoints from those that I usually hear from acespec daters of allos!
I would recommend Ace by Angela Chen and Ace Dad Advice on YouTube for a discussion of mixed-orientation relationships involving ace and allo folks.
https://noidagirlhub.in/
It would appear that this situation does not involve a connection between bisexual women or lesbians. Based on this definition, wouldn’t you say that’s a relationship with mixed orientation? or perhaps less engaging to discuss?
Aside from hearing it brought up by someone who has dated an ace or aro, I haven’t heard anyone else talk about this. The different orientation mixtures appear to act differently. It appears like the cases provided here are a mix of straight and queer allo partners, but it’s unclear if they’re on the ace or aro spectrum. The partners described aren’t classified as cis guys, so I could be wrong. I seldom hear such divergent opinions from acespec daters of allos.
https://samitasen.com/
If you’re looking for a YouTube channel that discusses mixed-orientation partnerships like Ace Dad Advice and Ace by Angela Chen, I highly recommend them.
There doesn’t seem to be any relationship between bisexual women or lesbians in this case. So long as we use this definition, we may conclude that the couple in question has a mixed orientation. or maybe not as interesting to talk about?
https://1.simmijalandhar.in/
So far, the only person I’ve heard bring this up is someone who has dated an ace or aro. There seems to be a difference in behavior between the orientation mixes. From what we can tell, the instances presented here include both straight and queer allo partners; however, it is not apparent whether these individuals fall on the ace or aro spectrum. I could be mistaken, but the partners mentioned aren’t often thought of as cis males. It is unusual for acespec daters of allos to have such contrasting viewpoints.
My two favorite YouTube channels, Ace by Angela Chen and Ace Dad Advice, both cover the topic of mixed-orientation couples.
In this scenario, lesbian women or bisexual women appear to have no correlation. Using this criteria, we may therefore come to the conclusion that the couple in issue has mixed orientation. maybe not as fascinating for conversation as others?
The only person I have heard so bring this up is someone who dated an ace or aro. The orientation mixtures tend to produce different kinds of behavior. From what we know, the cases shown here include both straight and gay allo couples; it is unclear if these people fall on the Ace or aro spectrum however. I might be incorrect, but cis guys hardly come first when considering the relationships listed here. Such opposing views are rare among acespec daters of all kinds.
https://1.dehradunagency.in/
Mixed-orientation couples are covered in both Ace by Angela Chen and Ace Dad Advice, my two preferred YouTube channels.
Thank you so much for discussing this! I’m a genderqueer bidyke, while my wife is an asexual trans woman, so it’s been a MOR since the beginning, long before we transitioned. I remember the early days were filled with me being in a perpetual gender crisis, and her being very solidly okay with all of it; a good amount of her being fine with that was because she’s asexual and didn’t care either way, just like how a good amount of me being okay with her transition is because I’m bisexual and prefer women. Nowadays, I’ve had people assume I’m in a MOR, not because I’m bisexual and she’s asexual, but because she’s trans and they’re assuming I’m a poor, suffering heterosexual woman who’s being “forced” to be gay!
I think it’s an element of queerness and queer culture that basically no one wants to talk about – maybe because it mostly impacts trans, bisexual and asexual people? I think there’s a fear that acknowledging MORs, and acknowledging that some people are perfectly happy in those relationships, will somehow validate homophobes and transphobes: “Oh, well if THIS lesbian is okay staying married to a man, then why can’t YOU marry a man?!” or “Well THIS asexual has sex with their allosexual spouse, so why can’t you?!” But that’s not a reason to bury the topic, especially since that really influences what kind of advice you can find. When the only advice out there about MORs can be boiled down to “break up immediately”, then people get even more scared, isolated or defensive about it. I’ve seen people posting on forums trying to get advice about their MOR, only to have their actual concerns ignored in favour of “you’re in a MOR, it’s not going to work, break up now.”
Honestly, the queer community would be a lot more boring if no one ever did this – and I’d argue that the prevalence of bisexual people in the queer community means that MORs are more common than not, and should be acknowledged positively. Yes, even the ones that “shouldn’t work”, like a bisexual cis woman whose spouse comes out as a straight trans woman, or an asexual woman who’s happily married to her gay husband. Outside of equal marriage and better access to divorce, there are people who willingly enter these kinds of relationships because, outside of their usual preferences, they fall in love, or develop a healthy partnership that they want to maintain – and that’s fine. I think it’s even fine if people enter these relationships out of convenience, so long as everyone’s going in with their eyes open.
I think it’s one of the least discussed, but most prevalent, phenomena in the queer community, so I’m so happy that you’ve opened up the conversation around it.