Hello squirrel friends! After a month-long sabbatical, I’m finally back! How exciting for you! And for me! But mostly for you! I’d like to thank the entire Autostraddle team and intern army for filling in and covering the Tuesday Televisionary marvelously in my absence. In fact, they did such a good job, I’m keeping them!

From now on, the Tuesday Televisionary will feature contributions from the whole gang, as well as the return of The Carlytron Television Awards! But first, some news.

The Television Critics Association summer 2009 press tour just ended, and there were tonnnnzzz of things that happened, far too many to talk about, so you can read a best/worst wrap-up here and see what Michael Ausiello at EW had to say about, well, everything!

Um, what else? True Blood got renewed for a third season, that’s really important because I finally got caught up on this show and it has totally blown my mind. You know what? Eff the news, we have so much to recap here! SO! MUCH!

And now…

The Autostraddle TV Awards For the Week Ending August 9, 2009

The ‘Get Off My Lawn’ Award: The 2009 Teen Choice Awards

(by Robin)

Although I haven’t been an actual teen in over 9 years, I sat down tonight to watch the Teen Choice Awards hosted by those lovable curly-haired virgins, The Jonas Brothers. Back in the day we had teen actors and we had teen singers; now the lines are blurred and teen stars are brands, marketed in every way possible, through television, film, music, and acne prevention ads.

At most awards shows, the presenters give out some sort of statuette to mark their merits. It’s usually gold-ish and about a foot tall. At Teen Choice, since its inception, adult and child winners alike awkwardly accept life-size surf boards as a reward. Why a surf board, you ask? Probs because Teen Choice is a Los Angeles based show (LA being the land of sun and surf and the puppy mill of teen stardom). Crowd favorites tonight included The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, and the stars of that series I’ve never seen, Twilight.

Highlights:

• Glee won some things!
• Miley performed and I was impressed. She even worked the pole, gasp, with her dad in the audience! Awwwwwkward.
• Miley gave our girl Britney Spears some Ultimate Teen Choice love and although Brit’s not the most eloquent public speaker, bitch looked fierce. [“Except that weave. Christ.” – Carlytron]
• Speaking of fierce, the Choice Fab-U-lous Award was given to Miss J who strutted up to the mic dramatically, gave FACE, and proudly thanked all of the gay, lesbian and transgendered kids for their votes. She declared the award “makes all of you as fierce as me.”
• The silly ongoing “Dare The Jonas Brothers” game had them getting their hair did and getting fake tattooed by Miss Kat Von D herself who forgot to bring her top to the show.
• The Black Eyed Peas did some crowd surfing (no, literally, they were suspended in the air on surf boards) but didn’t bring it as expected. Although I was happy to hear them thanking Auto-Tune in their acceptance speech for Choice Hip Hop track. Everyone thanks God, but Auto-Tune rarely gets any credit. Jay-Z would have hated this shit.
• Megan Fox won some Choice Hottie Award with Robert Pattinson, but had little to say except for her usual self-deprecating nonsense. I think Megan Fox needs a hug and a better mother.
• [“I think we’re overlooking the sheer lunacy of Kathy Griffin going to the Teen Choice Awards with Levi Johnston. She has really outdone herself this time… apparently they’re dating!? Genius!” – Carlytron]

In conclusion, I want all these kids to stop growing up so fast and spend a few more years running through the sprinklers in their backyards wearing capes and goggles, like myself and I would imagine Carlytron did until about age 16. [“Your assumption is correct.” – Carlytron] What I’m saying is, enjoy your youth and your giant surf boards while you can!

Here’s a full list of Teen Choice Award winners.

The Award For A Reality Show Awarding My Favorite Contestant With The Title: So You Think You Can Dance (Finale!)

(by Carlytron)

You know, it’s so rare that this happens. For weeks now my favorite contestant on So You Think You Can Dance has been Jeanine. She’s so great, right? I totally love her. And once they eliminated Kupono, I knew that it had to be Jeanine. I mean, the other girls were all amazing, and Brandon and Ade. But not Evan. My mom liked Evan a lot. I didn’t really get it. Evan looks like Droopy, right? I don’t think he should’ve been in the final four, but this is about finding America’s favorite dancer, not America’s best dancer (blah blah blah) so whatever, I was just worried he’d win but he didn’t and I was really happy. The next season starts in a month instead of in a year so GET READY FOR MORE… very soon.

The Award For The Only Thing on TV Grosser Than True Blood This Week: Weeds (Episode 509: Suck n’ Spit)

(by Carlytron)

I’m revoking Weeds‘ special award from now on. It’s good, but it’s not the most fabulous show in the land. Probably the most ridiculous, though. And somehow, I think this episode was grosser than this week’s True Blood, but more on that later. To be honest, I didn’t really love this episode. Andy and Nancy were playing house, and were like, suuuuper gross. I’m not even going to get into it (sidenote: I originally wrote “tit” not “it,” which I think is rather apt in this case). Shane got a … yeast infection and Celia started a pyramid scheme which led to this exchange:

The pink-clad girl who hit on Isabel last time: “I play softball.”
Carlytron & Celia: “Of course you do”

Speaking of lesbians, the You’re Pretty! lady is a dyke too! Obvs Showtime is trying to move up GLAAD’s Network Responsiblity Index and beat out HBO next year, which: good luck. Has Showtime even seen True Blood? Probs not. Anyway, Esteban proposes to Nancy (yet again) after a visit from Pilar and while they’re arguing outside, someone shoots at one/both/either/whatever of them and hits… wait for it… SHANE instead. In the shoulder, it seems, so he’s fine. BUT STILL. I don’t know why anything surprises me on this show anymore, to be honest.

The OMG I’m Going To Have A Panic Attack Award: Nurse Jackie (Episode 109: Nosebleed)

109 – Noseb

(by Carlytron)

I bet you thought this was going to be about Obsessed, didn’t you? Please. I’m so behind on that show that I’d need a bottle of Xanax to even attempt to get through it all in one sitting. No, this award is for Nurse Jackie. First of all, this is easily the strongest show on tv right now. I’m gonna go ahead and say that. Second, Jackie is making me insane! I find myself yelling at the tv while watching the show. Girl is unraveling, I can’t even deal.

Jackie does some shaaady things this week: rips a page out of Zoe’s journal that contained some incriminating Jackie quotes, snorts whatever pill in the hospital chapel, screams at Coop, tells O’Hara off (oh hell no!) and falsifies a patient’s donor card and time of death. Girl! Is you crazy? Also she’s now getting nosebleeds from all the snorting and like, duh Jackie. She also tells poor little Grace — who has another breakdown because she is hurting and carrying the weight, impossibly, of Jackie’s decisions — that they should take dance lessons together. That’s good, actually, because dance solves everything (see also: West Side Story, Footloose, Center Stage). Also this week: Akalitus grows a heart but loses the baby (she totally tells the parents the baby DIED and then is like, “Oh, jk!” which is amazing) and Zoe continues to awesomely steal every single scene she is in (along with my heart, in the process).

Next: True Blood, the gayest non-vampire thing on TV all week, and the hot girl of the week award.

The Number One Feeling Award: True Blood (Episode 208: Timebomb)

(by Laneia)

I love everything Jason Stackhouse does/says/thinks. Like, everything. That’s my number one feeling about this episode: Jason Stackhouse! [“There are so many number one feelings for this episode! Mine kept changing throughout. Mostly it was Godric! Sometimes Jason, sometimes Hoyt + Jessica 4EVA.” – Carlytron]

“Let her go, fuckwad!”

+++

“I reckon I’ve already been to heaven. It was inside your wife.”
Jason Stackhouse Is My Co-Pilot

Have you read Stephenie Meyer’s Breaking Dawn? If not, A) that was a wise decision and B) *Spoiler Alert!* : at the end of Breaking Dawn, there’s an elaborate, suspenseful, totally anti-climactic non-fight scene. That’s kind of how this showdown at the Fellowship of the Sun felt to me. I mean, I invested a lot of time holding my breath and biting my lip and anticipating — What will happennn?!! — only to witness an awkward mediation session? Even though it set up the final scene perfectly, it was a bit of a let-down. Actually, I felt a little letdown by the scene with Jessica and Hoyt at Bill’s house, too. I just knew something tragic was going to happen — something that would make me feel real feelings! But no, it was just Jessica’s hymen growing back. Oh..kay. That’s it? Meh. Unless they’re trying to be funny, in which case I give it a meh/hilarious! Mehlarious!

Howevs! The scene where Lafayette is giving Tara a Tarot reading was very well played, with just the right amount of creepy confusion and Lafayette being fabulous. I especially loved the cut from Eggs, to the Justice card, to Lafayette’s face. It was all kind of perfect. [“Much like the world, this show needs more Lafayette. More pizazz, not less!” – Carlytron]

“I’m gonna go and … clean a grill or something.” -Lafayette

Maryann. What can I possibly say about Maryann that you haven’t already screamed at your own television? [“Sidebar: I hate Maryann. WTF bitch is crazy. Also she is the demon barber of Bon Temps!” – Carlytron] Maryann is so twisted and deranged! When and how will this end?! She can’t be killed, right? She’s been around since the birth of time, according to Daphne. I can’t fathom a way in which her storyline can be resolved. At least not without Sam dying and so help me, Sam shall not die! If it was difficult to watch Maryann slice Daphne’s heart into 1″ chunks for the souffle, it was damn near impossible to watch Tara and Eggs scarf it down like a berry cobbler. I had to look away the second time we watched it. Blerghasldkjfalskdzomg! [“I definitely almost threw up. Also this was the first True Blood that Robin ever saw. Um, sorry?” – Carlytron]

The cat fight between Lorena and Sookie was nothing short of amazing. The genius being that it played out exactly the way you would expect an argument of this sort to — with Lorena’s, “Run away, little girl.” and Sookie’s, “Go find someone else you fucking bitch! You’ve lost this one!” Lovely. Just lovely.

“Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a 52″ plasma television earlier tonight?” -Lorena

Soooo…. who died in the bombing? Will Eric sway Sookie’s heart? Does he even want to? Can a penis ever completely heal after sodomizing a pine tree?

The Gayest Non-Vampire Thing On TV All Week: America’s Best Dance Crew

(by Carlytron)

So America’s Best Dance Crew is back and I am breaking my boycott of the show. I didn’t watch last season at all because I was still mad at the show for Fanny Pak not winning. But, now that the show has Vogue Evolution I am forced to watch again, and I was actually really excited about a lot of the crews — especially the all-girl ones. So, ok, FINE, you win, MTV. Your online video player does not win, though, that is a total fail. So Riese already wrote about Vogue Evolution in yesterday’s daily fix:

AMERICA’S BEST DANCE CREW featured its first all-gay/transgender (Leiomy Maldonado is an MTF) dance crew, “Vogue Evolution” on Sunday night’s premeire episode. Lil’ Mama revealed her secret awareness of the Voguing Ball Competition underground (history sidenote; rent Paris is Burning asap, kids, holler) and all the judges agreed that America is ready. JC didn’t blink and Shane Sparks said, “Y’all just ripped the stage … it’s about time for this style to be exposed. It’s been underground for so long … thank you.” We’re sure there’ll be backlash about tonkenising and stereotypes … but this style of dance — which yes, does embody some typical gay male stereotypes — is RIDICULOUSLY SIGNIFICANT and it IS about time this “underground style comes into the mainstream” (quote AC Slater) and the “feminine” style/attitude is an intrinsic element of the ballroom scene. Members of the group have choreographed for Mariah Carey and they work as HIV/AIDS educators in the city. Also? Holler to the not-skinny guy Malechi up there, it’s about time we see a little bit of THAT, too!

Yo, duck walks are so hard you guys. Have you ever tried that? It’s like jumping and kicking during a squat. It’s wicked. I think Lil Mama wants to join Vogue Evolution, she was so cute talking to them after their performance. Watch the whole episode here (Vogue Evolution starts around the 46:00 mark):

The Hot Girl(s) Of The Week Award

(by Intern Lola)

Two Hot Girls for One – Get ’em while you still can!

This week, I’m urging you all to start watching ABC’s new show, Defying Gravity. It premiered with pretty weak ratings and keeps slipping each episode, which means it’s probably close to cancellation. Look, I’ll make it easy – you can download Defying Gravity from iTunes for free. OK, so maybe you’re not into the romantic entanglements of astronauts, but why concern yourself with plot when you can watch Christina Cox and Laura Harris flirt with each other? These ladies are both so hot (and Canadian!), but it seems like they might be cursed.

Christina Cox (who we all know from Better Than Chocolate) was set to play a lesbian cop in Nikki and Nora, but tragically, nobody picked up the pilot. She then starred in the woefully ill–fated vampire series Blood Ties (which aired on Lifetime – everyone’s favorite lesbian network). Laura Harris hasn’t fared any better. I first fell in love with her as actress–turned–reaper Daisy Adair on Showtime’s Dead Like Me, which only lasted two seasons. She then returned with a super hot #alternativelifestylehaircut on Women’s Murder Club, which got axed after thirteen episodes of extreme lesbian subtext. Please Nielsen ratings, don’t steal these women from my screen yet again!

[“Ok srsly you guys, I was totally obsessed with the subtext on Women’s Murder Club. For months my number one feeling was waiting for Laura Harris and Angie Harmon to do it already. Good lord, the flirting! So intense! And that little redhead reporter one, her too. Lordy. I even mentioned it in this amazing review of Cashmere Mafia I wrote last year. It was so 2008.” – Carlytron]

The Uncanny Valley Award: Kathy Griffin’s Life on the D-List (Episode 509: Official Book Club Selection)

(by Intern Jess)

The oddest part of this episode came from Kathy’s assistant Tiffany who completely mangled Madame Tassaud’s name while relaying the news that the Divine Miss G. would be getting her own wax figure. Tiff, did you miss the House of Wax vlog? We get to see just how those wax figures are made when the fine folks at Wax put Kathy on a turntable and slowly rotate her around taking measurements of every inch of her body. [“Wax figures creep me out.” – Carlytron]

Kathy is also in super-pimp mode for her book, Official Book Club Selection. She throws out some chapter title ideas including “Oprah & Ryan are Conspiring Against Me” and “Jeremy Piven Raped Some Chick on Ellen.” Alas, check out the final chapter title list.

Kathy filled in for Larry King last night and your eyes do not deceive you: Kathy interviews Levi Johnston (yes, Sarah Palin’s ex baby daddy in-law).

In closing, I’ll leave you with Kathy G’s Monday tweet:

@officialkathyg If u watch the “My Life on the D List” finale tonight on Bravo, I’ll blow you. Oh, and I think I’m pregnant.

Next: Drop Dead Diva, Tinkerbell’s number one feeling: Intervention, and Toddlers and Tiaras.

The Best Show to Watch After Watching a Marathon of Movies About Teenagers With Babies and Drinking Problems: Drop Dead Diva (Episode 105: Lost and Found)

by Intern Lily

On this week’s episode of Drop Dead Diva, Jane finds out that it is her 32nd birthday. This, of course, is a bit of a problem as Deb was only 24 when she died meaning her sudden reincarnation has aged her eight years. To make matters worse, her arch nemesis Kim has replaced her in the case that she was supposed to work on with her past life fiancé, Grayson. To keep the bad birthday going, Jane continues to dig her own grave when she decides to fight for more than what the state offered as compensation to a wrongly accused convict. She loses the case and her client no longer will receive any money. But Jane is persistent and ends up finding a flaw in the system taking the District Attorney’s office to court for neglect—eventually winning $100,000 for her client.

At the end of the day, Jane’s friends and co-workers throw her a surprise birthday party where she sings karaoke and learns that with her new body comes a new, surprisingly beautiful, voice. She sings the song that used to be Deb and Grayson’s “song” and locks eyes with Grayson as she sings it. It’s a bit cheesy, but leaves a nice cliffhanger for next week’s episode which promises a range of emotions for us viewers as we watch Jane attempt to tell Grayson who she really is. I can’t wait!

The Tinkerbell Hot on My Trail Award for Intervention

(by Tinkerbell)

hello autostraddle this is tinkerbell. intervention was very strange tonight and made me worried for the futures of drug addicts everywhere because they have ken seely’s number and will not fall for this shit anymore.

this week joey was a tattoo artist who gave tattoos while on heroin which is special and i will never have a tattoo even though i was going to get one that said “I love Wino and/or littlefoot” but now i am scared of the SMACK. once again there is premature reproduction.

there was a big car chase and lots of cell phone calls at 9:30 there was an intervention which has never happened before i didn’t even have time to look at all of joey’s family photos. at the end he got better i think i had french fries.

psa: if you are spending $200 a day on drugs please consider investing in autostraddle. it is better than drugs b/c of the double bottom line.

this is like the tom green show or the ali g show which was on before i was born. the addicts are like oh hello, i was expecting this and then he ran down the hallway which was an exciting chase scene like in the movies with cars that blow up that i am not allowed to see.

because i have a lazy eye i could not see the subtitles when joey’s dad spoke on a southern accent.

the moral of the story is that joey has a friend named pizza and ken seely can withstand all kinds of weather and before you get a tattoo make sure there are no cameras around.

who would name their kid PIZZA. speaking of i love pizza

The ‘Where Do They Find These People?’ (or, The Swan Ate My Baby!) Award: Toddlers & Tiaras

(by Laneia)

Toddlers & Tiaras [henceforth to be known as T&T] is the kind of show you watch to make your life seem more normal. Or, if you happen to be living in the same city as some of the featured “Pageant Dads”, and you happen to be a gay man, it might also be the kind of show you watch to find your next closet case friend. Either way, I am not here to judge you. I watch for the comforting southern accents and immense level of what-the-fuckage!

The most recent show treated us to the West Virginia Walk of Fame and featured Jayla (6 yrs) and her father, Dwayne; Riley (6 yrs) and her mother, Monica; and Hannah (7 yrs) and her mother, Ashley. There is so very much I could say about Dwayne, but I’m going to start and stop at how mesmerizing it was to watch him coach Jayla through her routine during the pageant. It was mesmerizing, you guys. Seriously. I just sat there with my mouth hanging open.

Riley and Monica teach us the importance of PERSONALITY. Riley has a lot of PERSONALITY and her PERSONALITY just shines shines shines. PERSONALITY! Get some! But seriously, do you know what’s the best thing about Riley? She loves animals. Loves them! She licks her mother like a lizard when it’s time to kiss goodbye! She hops like a baby bunny and crawls around like a chipmunk and she communicates with all kinds of species! I love her. I want to go on a nature walk with her and talk to frogs. If I was a 6 year old, she’d be my very best friend.

Hannah, who’s been out of the pageant circuit for a couple of years, is a total package girl. She is the total package. The total glitz package, if you will. Do you understand? She is where it’s at! The Package. She has it. She also drinks coffee, which’s cool — I, too, drink coffee. Hannah does a fairly awesome Austin Powers routine complete with a blue velvet costume, chunky black glasses and a rowr! kitty scratch move that pretty much seals the deal.

Are you watching T&T? Did you happen to meet Tootie from a previous episode? If you missed Tootie, I feel so sorry for you! Almost as sorry as I feel if you missed this week’s Dwayne. Be sure to catch the next episode because it looks like so much win! Are they in Texas? Georgia? I can’t tell but trust me, it’ll be good. These girls look like professionals.

I was going to talk about Summer Heights High and Party Down this week but there is just too much going on! You’ll just have to tune in (ha! get it? sigh…) every week to see when and if I ever get around to doing that.

‘Tron out!

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