Q:
Hi Autostraddle team! I’m a 24 bisexual transmasc person (he/they), and newly on low-dose T. For the past year or so I’ve been, for lack of a better term, sexually constipated. I feel a LOT of sexual desire in an abstract sense, but have no motivation to act on it with anyone in particular, even myself. If an opportunity arises for me to hook up with someone, I’ll either lose interest or self-sabotage out of it. I’m desperate to change this, because I know I would be happier and healthier with more hot queer sex in my life, but I don’t know how. Because I’d ideally like this sex to be T4T, there’s an added layer of shame and pre-emptive guilt around being primarily attracted to trans women and transfemmes. I’m in a rut, and I’m seeking advice on where I could start with unpacking all this.
I’ve always had issues with my sexuality: not in a queer-shame sense, but in a ‘sex is terrifying, I suck at it and so I might as well not bother’ sense. I rarely feel much of an urge to masturbate and so haven’t had much practice in figuring out what I like, which makes having good partnered sex really difficult. I can’t reach orgasm by myself, and I have trouble reaching it with a partner. Most of the time, sex ends up feeling like more trouble than it’s worth, masturbation especially so, but I want it more than anything.
So far, I’ve only found one way of getting around this hangup. I’m broadly bisexual but feel stronger attraction towards women and femmes, especially transfeminine people. Most of the sex I’ve enjoyed throughout my life has been with transfemmes, sometimes unwittingly (pre-coming-out), in the context of intense relationships that crashed and burned due to incompatibility or my own attachment issues. The draw for me is the safety of sleeping with someone who really understands my own desires, but I often worry that I’m a chaser or that my specific attraction to trans women and transfemmes is fetishising, especially because a lot of the trans girls I’m attracted to turn out to either be lesbians or only attracted to cis guys.
I yearn for a mutually caring T4T partnership, casual or otherwise, that involves the kind of sex I know I enjoy. In a climate of widespread transmisogyny, seeking out such a partnership feels like an intrusion on the safe community the dolls have built for themselves. I was in a situation recently where I tried to make a move on a trans girl at a gig– in what I thought was a non-sexual, non-threatening way– and she seemed really spooked and uncomfortable. Knowing that, as a masc person, my presence could make some people feel unsafe makes me so ashamed about my desires that even thinking about sex is impossible.
So, what can I do? How do I reconcile my need to feel secure in my queer, trans sexuality with my knowledge that desire is political, and that I’m a threat to the people I’m most attracted to? Is there something wrong with me, or am I just a whiny dude who needs a reality check about his male privilege?
A:
Hi there, fellow trans! Glad to see someone doing the gender exploration thing. I hope the newly-minted testosterone treats you well. I ran away screaming from testosterone, but I can understand the appeal of having a hormonal make-up that matches your internal sense of self.
So, shame about sexuality. Lots of us have some. Some of us have lots. I feel well-positioned to take your question because I’m trans and I lived my own version of the I-love-trans-girls shame. I think it’s worth discussing.
So from the top: There’s nothing wrong with leaning T4T in your relationship interests. You’ve already identified why T4T interests so many trans people: It’s being with someone who has life experiences similar to ours. T4T speaks to a foundation of shared interests, shared opinions, and safety.
By being trans, your interest in trans people is probably different to those of a cisgender person pursuing us (exclusively). T4T begins with the feeling of relatedness we feel for each other. That doesn’t mean there aren’t creepers and chaser weirdos who happen to be trans. It just means that trans people often have a genuine motivation that doesn’t revolve around fetishizing each other.
Likewise, having an attraction to trans people doesn’t make someone a chaser. The harmful and problematic side of chaser behavior is the reduction of trans people to a fetish object. It turns us into wish fulfillment at the expense of our complex personhood. Being a chaser isn’t about love, it’s about objectification couched in attraction. Usually with a veneration/worship angle that’s damaging, even to the chaser.
Questions about ‘does this make me a chaser’ come up all the time in the trans Reddit communities I hang out in. There’s a good split between cis people and trans people asking whether they’re chasers. I’ve found that the easiest check for chaser-ness is simply whether a person cares about the well-being of the people they pursue. Most people who like trans people and are worried about being chasers are ironically, not chasers. By being genuinely concerned about how we might objectify the people we’re attracted to, you (and I) are exhibiting care for trans people beyond our utility as sex objects. Chasers rarely have the introspective moment to even reach that point.
If you’re worried about being a chaser, just ask yourself: Am I more worried about the well-being of trans women or the optics of being seen as a chaser because my ruse to objectify trans women will be revealed to all?
I already suspect that your case is the former, which means you’re not being a chaser. You’re just drawn to trans women and that’s fine. Caring about trans women’s feelings and not trying to intrude on us is already above chaser behavior.
Many of us suffer the killer combination of gender dysphoria and an attraction to other trans people. My personal version of that ruthless arithmetic was: You’re still a man no matter what you do + you like trans people = you’re a gross, creeper chaser loser. Oh, and you’ll never be a girl lmao
That was me before transition and in the first year. It wanes as you settle into your new being, develop confidence, and learn to sift through dysphoria. You’re far from the first trans person to feel like an intruder in queer spaces. Most trans people started life under the assumption that we were cisgender (on some level). Pretty much all of us were outsiders at one point and felt like we weren’t good enough to be trans. That’s funny to me because it’s not like being trans is a prestigious club or anything. Last I checked, the entry bar isn’t high and the membership perks aren’t nearly as numerous as some media figures would have me believe.
I know you also have reservations and feelings about engaging in sex. However, I think the main point of shame here is the fear of intruding on (trans) women’s spaces. In which case, good job, you’re doing a bit better than most cis men already. I think these feelings will also lift as you reflect on your transition and let it take its course. None of that resolution has to happen immediately, especially if you’ve hit a recent milestone (starting T) and have a lot on your mind.
Your sense of attraction will almost certainly change with long-term HRT, too. Sex hormones have dramatic effects on mood, sex drive, and energy levels. Its exact impact on your life is uncertain, but I hope it affirms your sense of self. I think that settling into this second adolescence will give you the insight you need to take romance and sex forward with greater confidence. And yes, whatever route it takes, it’s yours and valid to your existence. When I hopped on estrogen, my sex drive went dormant and took two years to reboot. Some people around me became insatiable horndogs after the first week of hormones. Results can uh, vary. A lot. Take each day as it comes and do what makes you happy.
As I write this, I return to your question to see what I’ve covered or missed and… I noticed that you capped your original submission off with a bit of self-deprecation. The thing about how maybe you’re just a “whiny dude who needs a reality check about his male privilege.” I don’t think that’s true at all. I think you’re experiencing the complexities of sexuality alongside some tailor-made anxiety. That’s not a state of mind in need of a strict dressing-down. Our impressionable, early-transition selves seldom benefit from that kind of thing. We benefit from discussion, curiosity, and care.
So I’m gonna use my inherent authority as a trans girl to tell you that you’re allowed to want T4T engagements, and you’re allowed to be interested in us. I’m also going to tell you to just… follow your sense of caring and treat us the way you’d want to be treated. That’s normally really glib advice, but I wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t confident in your ability to carry it out. I’m saying it to you because I trust you to find the path that brings you the joy (and sex) you want in a responsible manner. Both to you and your future partners.
