“whose the man??? Two and half men are!!!!”
– “Anonymous,” CBS.com

You’ll have better luck explaining who killed Jenny than finding anything compelling or meaningful to say about CBS’s hit sitcom Two and a Half Men. The desperate-for-complexity could settle on a “big picture” impetus like the following, culled from the world’s only theoretical Two and a Half Men analysis: “[Two and a Half Men] asks viewers to draw distinctions within the social class that historically has embodied the group recognized as the dominant class in American culture.”

In other words, Two and a Half Men is about straight white men, just like almost everything else, ever!

Listen up, ladies & dudes & gender-free humans: I’ve watched this shit so you don’t have to. I want to ‘understand’ the ‘country I live in.’ See … who the hell watches Two and a Half Men? According to the ratings; just about everyone. But according to our own personal anecdotal evidence — not me, not you, not anyone we know. Yet Two and a Half Men has received 20 Primetime Emmy nominations, two Golden Globe nominations, and has consistently ranked in the Top 20 most viewed series on television.

Recurring actors include L Word guest stars Jane Lynch, Melanie Lynskey and Holland Taylor and Camryn Manheim. Notable guest stars include Megan Fox, Jenna Elfman, Alison Janey, Chris O’Donnell, Denise Richards, Martin Sheen and James Earl Jones. YEAH! I bet it pays well. Robin Hooding it is the solution.

But it’s not even smart or funny, like other white-male-angst-focused shows also critiqued for misogyny, like Beavis & Butthead. You guys! Charlie Sheen wears silk shirts, like hello 1996 called from a payphone at the mall to let you know Merry-Go-Round is having a going out of business sale srsly even the racks.

I expected insidious jocular male chauvinism parlayed as quirky parenting, heteronormativity relentless enough to completely alienate a queer viewer, akin to forcing an Adam Sandler addict to watch the meandering talky indie lesbian flick Go Fish. OH MY GOD IT WAS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THAT. I was totally grossed out! I think this episode of Two and a Half Men was specifically crafted to irritate me.

This is how I feel about the success of this show no I’m sorry this is what Tank Girl has to say about the success of this show:

Recap of Episode 818-JKLPUZO of “Two and a Half Men“

Let’s begin! Immediately we meet Charlie (Charlie Sheen) and Alan (Duckie from Pretty in Pink) at the local coffee shop set, where they’re sharing some apparently hilarious banter about recently running into Mia, an ex of Charlie’s. See, Alan told Mia that Charlie was engaged. Wait, it gets better: THIS WAS THE CLIFFHANGER that last season ended on: “can Charlie withstand the incredible temptation of another woman’s tits?” I know. I just fell off the edge of my seat I was so close to it.

WHO WILL CHARLIE CHOOSE ALL CAPS

I say “apparently hilarious” because the show employs its laugh track with lumberjack-fucking force, squeezed like a hemorrhoid suppository between every other line of dialogue. Obvs this isn’t a live studio audience. It couldn’t possibly be; every joke is so predictable that were anyone to find any of these jokes funny, they would’ve laughed ten seconds before the belabored punchline is actually delivered by an actor on the show.

SO Anyhoo! Charlie, the hapless ladies man (like Papi, but ACTUALLY MORE ANNOYING) is engaged to Chelsea, a pleasant looking woman with the personality of a cardboard box, and apparently Alan is worried that any other tits will ruin the engagement. AND THEN WTF MIA AND HER BOOBS SHOW UP AT THE COFFEE SHOP and here we begin:

I hope Charlie can keep his dick in his pants. Why did Charlie Sheen name his character “Charlie” when that name is already associated with a few unseemly sex scandals?

Here’s how this “Alan & Charlie running into Mia” convo goes. I’ve inserted the laugh track for you.

Mia: [to Charlie] How are you?
Alan: [about Charlie] Still engaged. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Charlie: Come, sit, join us.
Mia: Are you sure I’m not interrupting?
Charlie: Oh, no, of course not. HAHAHAHAHA
Alan: Yeah, his fiance just left. HAHAHAHA
Mia: Oh, sorry I missed her!
Alan: Oh, I’m sure she’s still in the parking lot HAAHAHAA I’ll go get her HAHAHAHAA.

HAHAHAHA! Get it? Charlie just wants to ATTACK THE VADGE. Omg!

Charlie: You look great, young and vibrant, and … taut … HAHAHAHA
Alan: You know who else has a great body? Charlie’s fiancè. HAHAHAHAA In fact, Charlie’s nickname for her is “Boobilicious.” HAHAHAHA

Alan says that word (“Boobalicious”) a few more times before whipping out a few more zingers, like this one following Mia saying she’s given up dancing for singing:

Mia: I’m working on my singing career —
Alan: You know who’s a wonderful singer?
Mia: Charlie’s fiance?
HAHAHAAHAHA!!!
Alan: Actually, I was gonna say Miss Celene Dion, (HAHAHAHA) I have no idea about Chelsea, although she does have a set of lungs on her. (HAHAHAH!)

Obvs Mia wants Charlie, a commercial jingle-writer (probs did the background music for A Gathering Storm), to help her “in the recording studio.” BTW? “Ad-man” is apparently the default occupation for cinematic or televisionary cads (advertising = selling your soul = casual relationship to manipulation). Hello Brian Kinney.

Don’t worry, Charlie gets Alan back by spilling coffee on his Dockers. Unfortunately Alan’s penis survives the scalding, and in fact Alan’s salvaged penis is later referred to using Sesame Street related analogies. Really!

WHOA! Guess what happens next? I forget. Probs THIS:

Or this:

Or this:

Or maybe this?

NOPE! Just this HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA:

Charlie & Chelsea just had sex, put their clothes back on, and then pretended like they’d just had sex even though they have their clothes on. Charlie has to help Mia “lay down some tracks” otherwise Chelsea will think Charlie still has feelings for Mia.

Also, Pier One called and they don’t want you having sex in their bed ’cause of GOD.

Later on, Alan, Charlie and other people are all in the kitchen talking about Alan’s penis and its reaction to water/the hot tub, where Alan was canoodling with a dubiously lusty stupid hot girl.  See, men have these goofy, self-deprecating relationships to their penises, and therefore remind you of your softest secret self! Oh, it doesn’t? You must have a brain! This show isn’t for you.

Charlie: “Nothing more romantic than seaweed hanging from a cold shriveled penis.”
Riese: “Nothing more gross than what you just fucking said. GAWD.”

Then Alan pulls the seaweed from his shorts, HAHAHAA! He makes faces ’cause the seaweed pulls on his COCK! HAHAHAHAHA!

Sidenote: I’ve had MANY serious & relatively successful relationships with men and don’t find penises inherently disgusting like many of my Kinsey-1 friends do. I am familiar with that junk and am ok with it. Howevs, I’ve always found penis jokes inherently lame. Like, period. Mother-fucking-end-of-g*ddamn sentence. LET’S GO TO THE NEXT PAGE THIS RECAP WILL DESTROY YOUR LIFE BECAUSE IT IS SO GOOD.

There are two parts of Two and a Half Men that actually made me LOL, both involving the unsung hero of this “show,” the HALF MAN JAKE (I think he is Duckie’s son or something):

1. Jake and Bertha:

Jake: “Hey Bertha, what do you know about Percocet?”
Bertha: “I know three of ’em with a Mickey’s Big Malt can make you run buck naked through a Taco Bell.”

2. Jake and THE MEN:

Charlie: “Remember Mia?
Jake: “Yeah, your ex-fiance, the dancer.”
Charlie: “You remember her?”
Jake: “I’m not sitting here sketching ponies, Charlie.”

Two and a Half Men‘s best moment couldn’t win a joke-off (do those exist? my dos equis just made that shit up) against The Office‘s worst moment. At least Full House featured girls & nice morals regarding love, honesty, family and friendship. Two & A Half Men Teaches you to treat your brother with belittling, macho, pseudo-love, and teach your children to like boobs.

There’s nothing wrong with liking boobs, but trust me children will learn that shit on their own, just ask Whitney Houston. Alan wants his lady to move in, but Charlie says no. Anyhow who cares, b/c then Alan’s girlfriend comes back and is ready to see Alan’s testicles.

Alan’s Girlfriend: What do you say we take a hot shower and unshrink the Snuffalupagus ?
Alan: He’ll be fine, it’s Bert & Ernie I’m worried about.

COME ON WHAT HAVE I DONE TO FORSAKE YOU GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE. This conversation thread continues, I scream and cover my ears, and then Alan looks at his penis and says, “well, there’s Ernie.”

Charlie plays the piano. The girl is a bad singer.

As you know, Jane Lynch can do no wrong. Two & A Half Men tested her like she’s never been tested before; and she succeeded. I smiled, and cocked my head slightly in pleasure, when she spoke.

However, unfortunately Jane Lynch, as Charlie’s wise therapist, was present for the “constipation” = “withheld feelings” issue — in fact, she theorized that Charlie’s inability to go “number two” was related to his mixed feelings about Mia. Lynch is so funny, really even here she is.

But YES. This is when the shit comes in, ladies and G’s.

Actual line given to Jane Lynch: “As soon as you pick ‘one’, you can go ‘two.'”

So Charlie decides, omg, he DOES have to have sex with Mia, otherwise he’ll never take a shit again!

Then, they go to the studio, and Mia is a bad singer! STILL!  Charlie’s Bro is watching this nonsense, and pulls the following line out of his plumber’s ass: “Help me understand something, you’re hoping to bang her, right?” I can’t figure out what Charlie thinks about that.

Isn’t this funny? These two dudes thinking this woman is so stupid she can’t even understand how bad her own voice sounds? Well, let’s call Mia back into the studio and have her listen to the sound of her own voice.:

Mia (listening) : That’s me?
Charlie: That’s you. HAHAHAHAH!!!
Mia: WOW!
Charlie: Yeah.
Mia: I had no idea I was so good! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Overcome with joy like a retarded desert sprite, Mia wraps her little arms around Charlie’s neck, and Thomas Edison wishes he’d never invented the electricity which enabled the invention of the television and then the invention Two and a Half Men.

Mia basically just thanked Charlie for sitting on his constipated ass while she sang nonsense. This is not feministing. I hope they have sex because her shirt hurts my eyes.

Mia swoons, “Oh Charlie, why did I ever let you go? I made a mistake, what can I do to make it up to you?”

Mia has a suggestion; they should rekindle their clearly endless emotional bond at “her place.” She kisses Charlie, and then she confidently strides back into the studio to record her next smash hit, “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.”

As Mia gets into the proper headspace to Suck (somehow I doubt this is an unusual situation for her to be in), Charlie confidently advises her to “feel the groove,” and she nods with the vim & vigor of a stoned Bratz doll.

All I need is Betty to come out here and tell Mia to “Party on,” and this will literally be the worst televised moment of my life.

No. This is actually the worst televised moment of my life:

Oh women! They’re so silly! Love is so simple! I’m a pony! I’M A SNAPDRAGON! I EAT EYEBALLS!

Mia launches into “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy,” at which point she’s sufficiently maxed out her Hot Girl Points and is now just too embarrassing for Charlie to fuck. Not that I haven’t had the same thought myself about a woman, but unlike Charlie, I’m a feminist, so I can do whatever I want, just ask Jezebel. Ashame, how even the prettiest girls ruin everything by being so goshdarn vapid!

Charlie: “You’ve got no talent, I’m sorry but we’re both wasting our time here. I love Chelsea, I’m going to marry her, and I don’t think we should see each other again.”

There’s nothing I love better than a man being applauded for not being an asshat. Howevs, his desire to not feel guilty is mostly guided by his desire to take a shit, so I don’t know. Like what to say. FOR THE WORLD.

Immediately after breaking the bad news to Mia, Charlie’s intestines kick in and he jets from the room to make it to the bathroom so that he can relieve his bowels ASAP. He refers to his digested TGI Fridays Happy Hour Special as his “baby,” who is “kicking.”

HA. HAHAHAHAHAAHA! OMG LET’S GO DROP OUR BABIES IN THE TOILET!

Oh yeah, guess who walks out of the bathroom? It’s Van Halen! So that sort of explains this show more or less.

Then it ends. If you want to know what happens next — you can watch it again tonight. I don’t think I can

“Emmy voters snub their noses at mass appeal,” the Associated Press headline reads, going on to complain about the exclusion of Two & A Half Men from the Emmy’s “Best Comedy” nominees. After all, against all odds (e.g., unremitting reemployment of dick jokes), the show garnered nominations for its lead actors, John Cryer and Charlie Sheen. Memo: popular shows get big paychecks, “elitist” shows get awards, excellent shows get paychecks & awards, in other words, AP lady: awards are what people get for making good shows, paychecks are what people get for making popular shows. So all ye 2.5 Men lovers, watch your show, eat your cheetos, I am glad Duckie still has a job, way to employ the gays too btw.

All ye Autostraddle fans, I have been to the other side and it was bad.

Well, you know now how I feel about bathroom humor, so you’ll have to forgive me when I say the show’s most irritating analogy functions quite well as a metaphor for the show itself.

And by that I mean …

Two and a Half Men turns all your emotional responses into lazy stupidity, and when it’s over … all you really wanna do is take a shit on it.

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