Have a Feeling: Chocolate Cheddar Cheese

Laneia’s Team Pick:

Chocolate Cheddar Cheese.

This cheese is so fucking weird. Honestly I think you’d like it, but only if you listen to me and do exactly as I say. You don’t get to have an opinion about this cheese until you’ve done everything I’ve told you to do here. You can’t even say that you think it sounds gross because of course it sounds gross — it’s Chocolate Cheddar Cheese. The fact that it sounds gross is not news. The fact that you might like it, could be.

You Will Need

red wine
grapes
the cheese
some crusty bread (if only for a palette cleanser because boy howdy, you’re gonna need one)

1. Take a drink of the wine. In the same movement that places the glass back on the table, reach for a small super tiny cube of the chocolate cheese and put that cube in your mouth.

2. You’re eating the cheese now. It’s weird. There’s probably not another word to describe it. Odd, maybe. Confusing. Ok there are two other words to describe it. Reach for a grape.

3. As soon as you swallow the cheese, eat the grape.

4. Form an opinion/feeling.

What are you thinking now? I like it. I like it the way I like watching Toddlers and Tiaras — it feels tacky, but once-removed, somehow. And it’s best in small allotments. I can justify it. I don’t know, you guys. It works for me.

Autostraddle.com is not affiliated with Trader Joe’s, except that a lot of us shop there, and this one girl we know works there and we like her a bunch, but that had nothing to do with this.
Seriously.

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Laneia

Laneia has written 311 articles for us.

37 Comments

    • “If you like chocolate, with gum under ‘neath, If you like caramel, sticking to your teeth, If you like the dentist, drilling cavities, then you’ll like Choco-Chocolate Cheese!”

      I am oddly proud that I managed to find the jingle for it.

  3. I totally made chocolate covered cheese cubes in middle school for a school project, and they were surprisingly popular.

  5. I live down the road from a vinyard that serves platters of cheese, fruit and chocolates at all their wine tastings..They all compliment each other..Have you not had ChocoVine! I’m getting worked up now! I need red wine…And chocolate..and cheese

    • yes exactly. i think the reason some people didn’t like the cheese is bc they were eating it on like, ritz crackers with soda, which is stupid and won’t work. it has to be paired w/ wine and fruit in order to taste like anything good, so i was compelled to write this post. my girlfriend also wonders about eating it on a bagel, but i don’t have any bagels, so.

      • Warm it slightly..It becomes a bit spreadable..At which point, your girlfriend should just eat it off of you

    • Okay, but no, that chocolate wine is so bad. It is like yoohoo with vodka in it.

      I know because I’ve bought it 3x and drank it all myself each time. I may be a masochist. OR an alcoholic.

      • I’m not serving it with dinner..But it does have it’s place..Like when your date doesn’t “really drink much” and she’s all like “Ooohh..Yoohoo!” Not that I’d use alcohol as a means to an end

  7. There is a fantastic goat cheese from Carr Valley in Wisconsin called Cocoa Cardona. It is a semi-soft goat tomme that has been rubbed in cocoa powder and black pepper. Phenomenal. get some

  8. Every single word of this post is making me smile… and super jealous of your girlfriend ;) Thanks Laneia!!

  9. I’ll definitely try this.

    But hey, I baked some .. thing earlier today. It was meant to be like a chocolate chip cake I guess? Anyway, I think I used muffin mix and the cake came out salty as shit.

    Is there anything I can do to save this? Or should I just give up, throw it out, and start using my oven as storage?

  11. The salty/sweet flavor profile is so underrated. Also, the TJ Fearless Flyer can convince me to buy just about anything so I’m totally there.

  13. How would this be not like chocolate cheesecake?
    I don’t know why people would find this flavor combination gross, even sans wine/grapes/bread.

  15. i love food too much to play favourites, but when i was younger my two favourite food groups used to be cheese and chocolate. i often mused about putting them together and how weird that would be – not the mild cheese and generic chocolate flavours in a chocolate cheesecake, but something where both had characters. when would they not clash (i guess the goat cheese-cocoa powder combination)? would i ever eat either again? would my friends disown me?

    i love how you included eating instructions in a pseudo-gourmet cheese tasting fashion. while i don’t think i would like that cheese (cheddar not really my thing?), maybe one day i will find some outlandishly harmonious chocolate-cheese combination and change my mind about all cheese-chocolate-type situations.

  16. So many people seem to find this concept gross, or like it’s maaaybe – against all odds – going to be interesting. You know what, Chocolate Cheddar Cheese? You don’t have to prove a damn thing to me. I knew you were beautiful from the moment I saw you.

  17. If you are going to pair chocolate with cheese it must be high quality “fine” or “gourmet” chocolate. Something with low sugar and high cacao percentage. Amano Dos Rios pairs excellently with a nice buttery triple creme. Valrhona Caraibe with with an aged gouda like Rembrandt. I spent the last year as a cheese monger and played with a lot of flavor combinations

    • Normally, I would agree with you..But as I’m currently so effing depressed I’m drinking boxed wine…Like, Right. Out. Of. The. Box!!! NO GLASS!!! And eating cheap, discounted Valentines Day chocolates..I will refrain from chiming in..

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