There is a Muppet Movie happening. It will come out in 2011. Is this news? Several months back I took a stand against reporting news stories that are not actually news stories, but I am too excited about the Muppets movie to stick to my own guns. In celebration of this event, we are going to count down the gayest muppets, because this is a gay website, so.
Top 10 Queerest Muppets
Constructed with help from The Muppet Wiki, aka the most amazing website on earth.
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10. Catgut, The Muppet Show
Catgut wore a leather-jacket, sang the blues, played the trumpet and was thrown out of her home for “befriending the rats,” which she reacted to by getting super dramatic and laying down in a graveyard waiting for her friends to find her. Her voice is described as “husky.”
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9. Honeydew & Beaker, The Muppet Show / Muppet Movies
Riese: which muppets seem gay to you
Rachel: who are the two male scientist ones who are always together
Rachel: def gay
Riese: beeker
Riese: and the other guy
Rachel: maybe gonzo is pansexual like tinkerbell
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8. Janice, Muppet Show / Muppet Movies
Janice is bisexual, we can tell. Also, she’s the long-lost twin of our Business Advisor Brooke Levin, as demonstrated below (also you can see that Nat Garcia is just like Animal):
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7. Skeeter
We could be wrong about this one, but she has some serious dyke potential.
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7b. Link Hogthrob
If people complain that Skeeter is two years old or something and we’re somehow destroying the universe by including her on this list, we will default to 7b:
Link Hogthrob is a Bear. I know he’s a pig, but if you know what a “bear” is, AND I THINK YOU DO, you will know what I mean. Who knows what’s underneath the sexy spacesuit he wears to sing his songs. He even hosted a recurring segment called “Bear on Patrol” on The Muppet Show. JUST SAYING.
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6. Gay Roger
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5. Guy Smiley, Sesame Street
Guy Smiley is like the Ryan Seacrest of The Muppets. And much like Ryan Seacrest, it doesn’t even matter, really, if Guy Smiely is actually gay.
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4. Mokey Fraggle, Fraggle Rock
Mokey Fraggle from Fraggle Rock is an environmentalist who always wears a robe sweater and beads. Hobbies include painting, poetry writing, and being the “den mother” of the other fraggles. Mokey is “very emotional and concerned about others.” She also enjoys gardening, participates in the “Emergency Flower Defense League” and lives with her “best friend,” who is athletic and likes sports.
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3. Bert & Ernie, Sesame Street
Duh.
2. Bobby and Samson, “Tinseltown”
BOBBY AND SAMSON ARE ACTUAL GAY MUPPETS. They were gonna make a whole show about it! You can watch the pilot episode of Tinseltown on Logo’s Alien Boot Camp. They like sleep in the same bed and have an adopted son named “Foster.”
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1. Esmerelda Fitzmonster
Esemerelda Fitzmonster is our in-house muppet. Esmerelda is a lesbian muppet. Esmerelda loves The L Word and gets really upset when we talk smack about Ilene Chaiken.
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A friend of mine wrote a song about Burt and Ernie set to the tune of Jack and Diane. I have a special place in my heart for him.
Your friend wins the internet.
Wow. Gay Roger is the super gayest Muppet I’ve ever seen. Just look at that leather vest and big muscle daddy mustache he’s rocking.
#gayroger
#ismypatronus
I SO ship Mokey and Red. It’s not even funny.
Also, I had a very awkward conversation with my mom’s ex’s family at Christmas about whether Bert and Ernie are gay.
My repeated comment: “Yes, but WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER? What is the difference between that and any straight couple on the show?”
They completely ignored me like 8 times and continued the debate about whether it was too “inappropriately obvious” or whether they could be brothers or friends or just roommates. *sigh*
i want to be mokey fraggle when i grow up
ok this is a really great list and i respect it thoroughly, but i feel like fozzie bear was maybe the original furry.
agreed
or perhaps the ORIGINAL BEAR.
wocka wocka!
“Look, mother, it’s my life, okee? So if I want to live on the beach and walk around naked… oh.”
I once took an entire class on Muppets and Jim Henson.
It was magical, mostly because the class was called Muppet Magic.
It was kind of a given.
What. What. I want to live your life, or at least take that class. Where does such wonderment happen?
It happens at UC Santa Cruz.
There is also a class on Walt Disney.
But the final for Muppet Magic was to built my very own muppet.
It was like creating a baby out of felt and googley eyes.
This totally made my afternoon! It was Jim Henson month at the Siskel in Chicago and I caught (almost) every film/collection of shorts.
I’m excited. If Gaga and Kermit sing ‘Rainbow Connection’ I will die.
I respectfully submit that Gonzo is pretty damn queer. I mean. Chickens?
I think Gonzo is actually asexual in a Morrissey kind of way.
i’m LOVING the idea of Link Hogthrob as a bear. lateral thinking FTW!
I just want you to know that I saw a news story (fine, an entertainment news story) about this movie two days ago and I immediately thought of you, Riese.
Just what IS the strange, symbiotic relationship between perverts and muppets? Homos really seem to like them.
But to the rest of us, they’re just gay.
NON-LAUGHING EAGLE:
http://www.palefirer.com/images/sam_eagle.jpg
This is the only possible response to the previous comment.
Pwnism.gov
Pervs like them because they’re good at hand jobs.
And pervs like hand jobs because, you know, it’s not like they can actually have sex or anything.
I always liked Skeeter but for some reason I also thought she was… a boy?
*GASP* GENDER TROUBLE!
I think that’s Scooter?
Ezmerelda Fitzmonster is the cutest!
This is my favorite post of all time. The only way I’d ever go back to school is to get a PhD in MUPPETS.
I always like to say Esmerelda and I were cut from the same felt.
Did anyone else think that the whole Dr. Teeth gang was a bunch of weirdo pansexual hippies? I always did.
I think they were too high to have a sexuality other than pan.
Honeydew and Beeker. Cutest Muppet couple ever.
My brain just combined Muppet and couple to make “Mupple”. For some reason that reminds me of cheese. Or felt.
I like the word “mupple!” Muppet is obviously the smooshing together of puppet and marionette, so why not muppet+couple= MUPPLE!
The most vivid memory I have of my early childhood is watching Elton John perform “Crocodile Rock” on the Muppet Show. Like that seminal experience, this post fills me with joy in a super-queer way.
Can I just mention that your screenname is kakapo and your profile pic is an aye-aye (I think) and that might make you win the internet?
I love Animal
I spent this Christmas saying, “Peace on Earth! GIMME PRESENTS.” This is what Animal says in a Muppet Family Christmas, a classic.
New tumblr: We are all made of muppets.
WHY ARE YOU ALL SO FUCKING HEARTMELTING come stay in my house/bed
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ANIMAL! ANIMAL! ANIMAL!
Skeeter is older in the current Muppet comics. I have all the mad trivia hookups. Behold the hotlink!
Esmerelda looks like a bit of a catch…
Though I think she overdid it a bit on the old fake-bake.
You all should have been to the Judy Party in Brooklyn in December. It’s a queer dance party with a monthly costume theme. This time, it was muppets! Like, there were queers dressed as muppets dancing, making out with one another. This is what makes Brooklyn amazing.
Here’s the slideshow in the Voice.
http://www.villagevoice.com/slideshow/the-muppets-take-judy-32069939/
I was dressed as Beaker. It was hard to be subtle about checking people out, what with having four eyes.
http://www.villagevoice.com/slideshow/the-muppets-take-judy-32069939/6/
Good costume. How did you make the nose?
Thanks! They sell styrofoam ovals at Michael’s. I bought a 4-pack and used two for the eyes, then covered another in orange duct tape for the nose. If I had to do it over again, I would have hunted down some orange T-shirt fabric, but it was a last-minute creation.
Statler and Waldorf are sorely lacking from this list, imo. An older couple of men attending the theater regularly with one another? I feel like that’s clear writing on the wall.
Not for the whole the whole broadway-is-for-gays thing (I think NPH proved that wrong already), but just the whole general vibe from them. They’re personal heroes of mine, and I hate to think of them getting lumped into a heteronormative category.
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