Welcome to “Ten Days of Top Tens,” in which we say goodbye to 2010 by reviewing the year that was. Because we spent this year in front of our computers typing words for you, many of these top tens will be a tad self-indulgent. Resist the urge to recognize it as such.
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Today we will pause to consider numbers and the beauty of a well-written title.
Fun fact! Did you know that when you write articles for places you almost never have to write your own title? I learned that back when I was working the “poetry reading” and “underground theater” beat for The Michigan Daily, and then later when I saw my articles published in magazines and online under the weirdest titles ever. I liked that. Not being the one who had to write the titles.
You guys titles are hard. Ours are really long. Like REALLY LONG. Everybody else claims to be “bad at titles.” But I like it when other people write titles/I have a ‘title intern.’ Every now and then we/i come up with something so terrible/AWESOME that we can hardly even exist anymore.
GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS? Teachable moment time!
Have you ever heard of Search Engine Optimization? Of COURSE you have. It’s the devil, it’s ruining the written word and destroying the English language. Unfortunately we lack the tools to overthrow this oppressive oligarchy and therefore must participate, albeit reluctantly, in their little games.
We blithely ignored SEO for a significant period of time when Autostraddle launched in 2009, making random titles and using whatever words we so pleased. And then one day Webmaster Tess sent us another email about our SEO failures. The headline of her email, interestingly enough, effectively operated to make everybody read it, just like a good headline would do.
We were subsequently warned that if we did not shorten our titles or include at least two “key words” in every title, the following would occur:
If you guys start to ignore SEO or churn out bullshit titles, I’m going to go into your post and fix it and I don’t have good grammar. In other words I will motherfuck your post.
So if you ever wonder why we use “gay” and “lesbian” more than “queer” it’s because of the patriarchal search engine optimized internet. We have a dream that one day when you search “lesbian,” Autostraddle might be one of the first 10,000 results. I believe we could hire someone to make this happen but we have no money, I’m eating peanut butter crackers right now for dessert.
Anyhow, enough, let’s get on with it!
2010 In Headlines/Titles and Search Terms and Numbers
2010 Autostraddle Index
Total Amount of Posts, Including Team Picks, Published in 2010, Thus Far: 1, 462
Number of post titles containing the word “fuck”: 31
Number of “fuck”-containing post titles authored by Riese or Rachel, respectively: 13, 11
Number of post titles containing the word Gay: 210
Lesbian: 205
Queer: 53
Lesbosexy: 21
Homo/Homosexual: 17
Bisexual: 17
Trans: 15
Homogay: 7
Gaymo: 1
Homostars: 1
Homosexy: 1
Number of users who found Autostraddle by searching for Jillian Michaels, Jillian Michaels Girlfriend, Jillian Michaels Lesbian or Jillian Michaels Gay: 27,430
Users who found Autostraddle by searching for “girls in short shorts” or “hot girls in short shorts” or “hot girls in shorts”: 25, 727
Users who found Autostraddle by searching for Adam Lambert: 13,411
Lady Gaga: 3,223
Tegan & Sara: 2,765
Lindsay Lohan: 2,417
Number of times the name Jillian Michaels has appeared in a post’s headline: 3
Lady Gaga: 45
Adam Lambert: 26
Lindsay Lohan: 25
Tegan & Sara: 16
Girls in Short Shorts: 1
Posts by Rachel in 2009 and 2010, respectively: 9, 206
Team Picks by Laneia containing the word “These” or “This”: 4 (This Cat Video, These Cashews, THIS PHOTO, This Fireplace DVD).
Total Page Hits in October 2009: 250,598
Total Hits in October 2010: 1,200,535
Our Top 10 Favorite Titles of 2010 on Autostraddle.com
1. Miley Cyrus Kissed a Girl, No One Liked It
2. At Some Point This Week, Lindsay Lohan will Organize Some Clothing on TV
3. Day 6 of the Prop 8 Gay Marriage Trial: OurChart – You’re [Cross-Examined] On It
4. This Week in Bisexuality: We Are All Made of Megaslut
5. Fisting, Comment Awards.
7. Real L Word Picked Up For Season Two, Ilene Chaiken Hates Us
8. Adam Lambert Too Gay To Function In Malaysia
9. Dear Harry Potter, We Are Lesbians And We Love You
10. The Good Kind of Tea Party: How to Pick a Good Tea, Drink It
12. Jennifer Beals is Overall Better at Life Than You, Prettier, More Holistic
13. What If This Headline Made Something Up About Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt Breaking Up
14. Gay Equality Will Require More Imagination, Less Talk of Buttsex
15. Jillian Michaels: First Lady to Ever Come Out in “Ladies Home Journal”
16. Read a Book, You Stupid F*ck
17. Apparently Everyone Just F*cking Loves Us Now
Top Two Favorite Search Engine Term That Led Someone to Autostraddle:
1. lesbians that look like justin beaver
2. i hate taylor swift
Number of times Rachel has written about DADT in 2010: 49
Top Ten DADT-Related Headlines [Or Rachel’s feelings about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, Chronicled Via Headlines, In Chronological Order]
1. DADT Repeal: We’re Still Unsure What the F*ck is Happening
2. The Long Slow March Towards A DADT Repeal: A Story Told In Screenshots
3. Oh My F*cking God, Another DADT Roadblock, What Is Wrong With You People
4. Judge Orders Suspension of Gay Soldiers Discharge Under DADT, For Real
5. What The DADT Injunction Really Means: Something, or Nothing, Time Will Tell
6. What The F*ck Is Happening With DADT: Discharges Are Possible Once Again, Maybe
7. DADT Repeal Stalled In Continued Push Towards National Mediocrity
8. “Democrats Lean Towards Caving On DADT,” We Lean Towards Screaming From Our Eyeballs
9. Dems Will Push DADT Repeal, Hoping For Last Minute Comeback, Magical Study
10. High Court Keeps US Gay Military Ban Intact: Life Without DADT Was “Fun” While It Lasted
11. BREAKING: Senate Blocks Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Repeal, Gays Lose, John McCain Wins
12. Once More With Voting: We Hold Out Hope for DADT Repeal on Sunday Funday
13. DADT Superstar Dan Choi Breaks Down as DADT Repeal Bill Runs Its Final Lap
14. SENATE REPEALS DONT ASK DONT TELL ALL CAPS
15. Senate Repeals DADT: Holy Sh*t, DADT Repeal? It’s Still a Thing!
Best URL of all time:
Love this post!
tess is bad ass.
girl you don’t even know
There used to be a street named after Tess, but it was changed because nobody crosses Tess and lives.
Tess doesn’t use OFF! Mosquitos instinctively know not to bite her
Tess never needs a flash light, she just stares into the darkness and it moves out of the way.
Tess once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
^FTW
grammar also crossed that street
Anyone else want to get pregnant and give birth to get motherfucked by Tess?
Or just me…
/what is wrong with me this holiday? @_@
I don’t want to get pregnant or give birth but if that’s the only way to get motherfucked by Tess then yes, I’m with you.
I’m down with getting motherfucked by Tess
one time tess told me i was “good times” and it was the best thing that has ever happened to me
also at first i laughed at the number of posts i’ve written in 2010 because i honestly thought it was a joke and then realized it wasn’t and now i have a lot to re-examine about my life
yes i’m hoping you could work a little harder in 2011, i’m hoping for at least 300 out of you
sometimes i wish i could say “follow the rules motherfuckers” to my students. ooh well…
I wish I could say “follow the fucking rules, motherfuckers” to my students ALL THE TIME! Mostly, I just fix their mistakes to save time/money/my sanity.
Yes. This. Does this make me a terrible person. I don’t know.
i feel like more honesty in teaching is a good thing.
in high school while learning a language a teacher used
“to motherfuck
to be motherfucked”
to explain active v. passive
and one time we played the camping game (“we’re going camping and i’m bringing something that starts with the first letter of my name”), and when i drew a blank (marshmallows was taken), he said “yeah, it’s fine if you bring marijuana”
and i literally aced his class, because he was an honest and that made me want to learn.
we need more of Tess!!! can we get more of her please editors?
ps. the behind the scene posts are awesome :)
“deSSert” not “deSert”!
although, your dessert of peanut butter crackers may have left your mouth feeling rather dry without any tasty soy milk!
One time tess punched me in the face….it was awesome.
I heard her hair is insured for $10,000.
i hear she does car commercials in japan
one time she met john stamos on a plane and he told her she was pretty
When Tess goes to the airport they don’t search her, she searches them.
tess can slam a revolving door
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Tess.
Every time Tess smiles a rainbow is born.
tess.
RT
Tess must hire protection to save her from these mad bitches.
I feel left out! The few times I ended up here was by searching “Dan Choi gay” or some such combo. Before that, the one thing that led me here was “Ilene Chaiken” plus a few other words. No stats on those search terms? And also, do people log in from abroad?
“Lesbians that look like justin beaver?” Beaver Fever? I think *somebody’s* got a new tagline for 2011!
i found this website by googling “awkward stock photography” because that’s the kind of thing i do nbd.
also, my bff’s name is tess. i’m thinking i could switch her out with the motherfucking one and no one would notice? well i can dream.
How am I the only person on Earth who did not know Jillian Michaels was gay? Damn, my gaydar is wayyyy off.
I SPOONED TESS
I WILL LIVE THIS LIFE AND DIE AND I WILL STILL BE A GIRL WHO SPOONED TESS
This is just one of many reasons that I am jealous of Laneia.
idk, I’m kinda jealous of Tess now. just sayin’.
i was going to say something to the effect of “like” or “this”, but i really mean “jealous”
One time Tess called in the middle of the night and yelled at me. Also, she has promised me a beer no less than 3 times. She lives one neighborhood up but I’ve still never seen her in person, I’m not sure she actually exists. I mean, I’m not sure she is corporeal.
I found this site by google searching “SKINS support group” for my boyfriend after Freddie died. I stayed for the half-naked ladies and the kittens.
this entire comment section should get a comment award.
i can’t believe there were only 31 posts w/ the word fuck.
in the title. just the title. i think all the posts have the word fuck in them
OH
jesus ok that makes more sense