feature image via shutterstock
This has been a terrifying year full of all sorts of disasters and nightmares, so it only makes sense that it was a standout year for ghosts. They were all over pop culture, all over the news and especially all over the queer world. 2016, more like two thousand and spooks-teen, amiright? Anyway, there were certainly more than ten terrific ghosts this year, but these are the ones that really stood out to me.
10. A Ghost on This Season of American Horror Story
I only watched the first episode, and while I loved the weird setup of it, after two straight seasons that I didn’t even finish (Freak Show and Hotel), I wasn’t hooked enough to keep watching. But there was probably a ghost, right? Maybe played by Lady Gaga or Kathy Bates? Or maybe by some athletic white guy with dark hair and blue eyes? Probably that one. Whatever, you get it.
9. Charlotte Jo
Poster by me and the amazing Sarah Sarwar
For those of you who were at this fall’s first ever Midwest A-Camp, you know and love Charlotte Jo. For the rest of you, she was a pastor’s daughter who grew up in a small town midwestern church, and then went missing just before camp. Did she run away? Was she drawn in by the mysterious women who wander in the woods? What does she have to do with Problematic Mary (see next)? Come to camp and find out!
8. Problematic Mary
While Charlotte Jo was a ghost that we brought to camp, on our first day there, we found out that the camp already had a resident spirit. The legend goes that she lived in a house on the grounds before it was a camp. Unfortunately, her house burned down and she died and became a ghost. She’s also in a wheelchair, highlighting the fact that our new camp site is about a billion times more accessible than our last one was and also historically earning her the unfortunate nickname Wheelchair Mary. Also, we think she might be a lesbian, and possibly even Charlotte Jo’s girlfriend.
7. The Ghost of Hope for the Future of America
JAJAJAJAJAJAJA REMEMBER HOW MUCH HOPE WE HAD BEFORE ELECTION DAY???? REMEMBER HOW IT DIED????? BYE BYE HOPE!!!!!!
6. The Blair Witch
There was a new Blair Witch movie! I loved it! We even saw the witch for a few seconds and let me tell you, she was beautiful. I had a huge smile on my face for the entire third act of this movie, and when we saw the witch in all her glory, I was happier than I had been in a long time.
5. The Ghosts in Ghosts
Reina Telgemeier is hands down the most popular comic creator in the country. She regularly has four or five books in the New York Times Bestsellers list top five. Yeah, five books in the top five. She’s amazing, and this year she released a new graphic novel, Ghosts, about two Latina sisters who move to a new town and learn to deal with the ghosts that live there and the fact that everyone dies. Once again, Telgemeier hit it out of the park and wrote an instant classic.
4. The Ghosts in Ghostbusters
Sure, Holtzmann stole the show, but the ghosts were fun too! But, also, for real, they were especially fun when they were getting busted by Holtzmann. Remember that time she licked her ghost gun??? Remember when she had that whole slow motion ghost fighting scene? Wow, I loved that.
3. The Queer Ghosts of Ohio
Rachel wrote this amazing article and interview about a group of queer people who founded a ghost hunting group naturally called Queer Ghost Hunters whose specialty is seeking out queer ghosts and talking to them about their identities after they’ve passed on.
2. The Girl You Slept With Who Never Texted You Back
Maybe the scariest ghost on this entire list. What happened to her? You can see that she read your texts! She keeps tweeting! Come on! You had a great time! Didn’t you? Oh man, maybe not. Hopefully she’ll text today. Or maybe tomorrow. Or the day after.
1. The Ghosts that Possess us and Make Us Gay
Guys, the secret’s out: a newly published study reveals our deepest darkest secret: being possessed by ghosts is what makes us gay. This study, done by the Spiritual Science Research Foundation, reported that 85 percent of gay people are gay because we are possessed by ghosts. This gayness, the Foundation claims, is caused when “female ghosts” possess men and “male ghosts” possess women, and those ghosts overpower us, making us attracted to the same sex. Sounds legit to me.
In reference to Ghost #1, so, as a trans lesbian, am I possessed by the ghost of a woman who was possessed by the ghost of a man? How does this work, exactly?
Haha! Ghost recursion. At some point, I’d just assume it’s queer ghosts all the way down.
I have seen the first few seasons of American Horror Story. Some are super stupid (Murder House, Coven), some riveting (Asylum), some completely disgusting(Freak Show). I watched one lone episode of Hotel and saw that drill bit dildo demon and was like… “omg… no.” Entirely too disturbing.
If I’m possessed by a man-ghost, he must be a self-loathing man.
Well, since we’ve been “outed”, so to speak, I guess I’ll introduce myself. I’m Rob, Erin’s spirit (different Erin from the one who works here, although I have long admired her work and the work of the ghost that possesses her). Been a spirit going on about twenty years now. I fell off a cliff when I was drunk. What can I say! I was a dumb teenager. Well, it would be great to meet some other spirits here. I’ve been possessing Erin to frequent this website for awhile, it’s really comforting to know that there are other spirits out there like me, spirits who turn their hosts gay. Well if anyone wants to get in touch, just contact me through ouiji board. Really excited to get to know everyone. Let’s talk about our worldwide turning-people-gay conspiracy!
Rob
This is the best year end list I’ve seen in 2016.
Just wait for my other one!
I met Lori Gum (of #3 queer ghost hunters fame) a few weeks ago and all I could think about was her flirting with that lesbian nun ghost.
Root causes of homosexuality: “Mainly Ghosts”. I love how nonchalant they are about that claim. Like: “well, this makes about as much sense as anything” ?
Thankfully, my sexuality ghost(s) seem pretty chill – if occasionally confused. Unfortunately, my gender dysphoria spirit is more of the vengeful kind. Thankfully, my HRT is all like:
this ?? is ?? so ?? good ??
RE: #1 – Alternate theory: 85% of straight men are actually possessed by lesbian ghosts.
(I wish I could credit for this thought, but must admit it was shared by a FB friend. She is far more quick-witted than I.)
Can I interview Problematic Mary for my piece on disabled queer love? Who do I talk to about that?
YES PLEASE!!! Stef is our undead liaison so talk to her
We can’t wait to find out if the Charlotte Jo rumours are true! #GhoulPals
#GhoulPals is my NEW FAVORITE THING
Read about Holtzbert’s poly triad with Gertrude Aldridge in the next issue of #VapourFluff!
(Ok, I’m done now)
according to their site you can overcome homosexuality by chanting “Om Rudraya namaha” 108 times. I tried to cure myself but my ghost distracted me by chanting back “Hey hey ho ho homophobia’s got to go” then smacked me in the head with the ouija board.
This is not a thing I would normally read bc I feel very *shrug* about ghosts but I am so glad I did because the last one made me very happy and now I understand myself and all of you a little better