Is one of your goals this year to eat more protein? Well, this suburban New Jersey varsity soccer game full of feral gay girls has a surprising tip for how you can do so even while traveling or while completely stranded in the wilderness: Eat people.

That’s right, human flesh contains natural protein that can fuel you on the go. “It tastes better than you think,” said Shauna Shipman, who first discovered this protein hack when she snacked on her dead best friend’s ear while steadily losing her mind. In fact, she thinks ear snacks should be incorporated into more athletes diets as they contain far fewer chemical ingredients than the leading protein bars. “You don’t get much more natural than human mean,” Shauna said. “It’s unprocessed, full of nutrients, and comes directly from the source.”

“No comment,” said Shauna’s teammate Taissa Turner when asked what she thinks about this gamechanging approach to hitting protein goals. Her girlfriend Van offered that eating human body parts is way less scary of a concept than the film The Texas Chain Saw Massacre makes it seem and then proceeded to give a detailed recap of the entire film like some sort of human version of a Wikipedia page.

In a time when more people are cutting back on their meat consumption due to ethical and environmental concerns, the soccer team’s advice reveals radical new opportunities. Don’t we as a society tend to agree that animal cruelty is worse than human suffering? Eat people, not pets! These scary little soccer gays are onto something.

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