January is Makeout Month at Autostraddle.com

9. Movie theater

I feel like this take is perhaps controversial, but making out in a movie theater is not as thrilling as teenage lore had me believe. Where do you put your popcorn while you make out? When do you do it? You can’t do it during the movie — you’ll miss something! You’re here to experience the magic of cinema not a mediocre makeout! And doing it before the movie starts? There’s nothing less sexy than the stream of movie-themed commercials and weird trivia they play before the trailers as you’re settling into your seats. No, this is truly such an overrated make out location. Grow UP.

8. On top of a ferris wheel

You should be enjoying the stunning sights from way high up! Making out at a carnival or state fair is indeed fun, but you should do it with both feet on the ground and preferably after inhaling a funnel cake so you taste like sugar and joy.

7. Lake

This is so hateful to the Midwest of me, but a lake is the worst body of water to make out in. Ocean, pool, and hot tub all made the best places to make out list. But a lake? Unless you’re on a pontoon boat on said lake (and yes, I think making out on a pontoon boat is hotter than on a fancier, speedier boat), a lake just isn’t right for making out. Just ask all the teens in slasher movies who get frisky in a lake and are promptly murdered! Water-based making out requires saltwater. Making out in freshwater just feels gauche.

6. Parking garage

I believe parking garages are some of the most cursed liminal spaces of the modern era.

5. Car dealership

I haven’t tried it, but I imagine it’s bad.

4. Uninsulated attic

To save money in college, I agreed to live in an uninsulated attic in the very ugly house my friends and I rented our junior and senior years. I shared the attic with my good friend, and our “wings” of the attic were loosely separated by a couple pieces of big furniture. Please keep in mind this was in Michigan, so an uninsulated attic was like living in a walk-in refrigerator. The winters were long and cold, and for a period of time there was some sort of creature living in the walls who would scurry up and down them in the middle of the night. I like to think a large part of why I didn’t get a whole lot of sexy action in college was because of this unique living situation, but really it was probably because I was so deeply in denial about my own sexuality that even when I was hooking up with women, I still identified as “straight.” A depressed dyke squirreled away in an attic? Yes, my college years had a certain literary quality to them (derogatory).

Anyway, even making out in a shitty dorm room is sexier than whatever was happening in this attic.

3. Public transit

This is a surefire way to miss your stop, and yes I am speaking from experience.

2. The Financial District in Manhattan

Geographically speaking, this is the worst place to make out.

1. Fraternity basement

Hands down the worst space for making out in the world is any level of a fraternity house, but especially a lower level. This is the closest you can get to hell while still technically being on earth. Once, I was making out with a boy who would also eventually come out as gay at a frat party, and our friends told us afterward that we were “making out upside down,” which was very confusing! “Like Spider-Man?” I asked my friends, and they said no, so to this day I’m not totally sure how or why I was “making out upside down” in a fraternity house, but I can only intuit that some sort of Exorcist-esque demonic contortion was involved as a result of being in a space so evil.

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