So, you’ve found yourself in a lesbian long distance relationship. Perhaps it was planned, but more likely than not, it wasn’t. Just about every relationship I’ve ever been in started long distance or had long periods of long distance. Hell, even most of my friendships started long distance. I consider myself a seasoned pro at this point. And here at Autostraddle, we’ve given a tremendous amount of advice about LDRs through the years, for as long as there are lesbians, there will be lesbians in long distance relationships it seems.

This advice is geared toward relationships that begin long distance rather than relationships that transition into long distance, but a lot of the tips also work for folks who are, for one reason or another, entering a temporary period of long distance after previously being a non-LDR.

A lot of people really love long distance relationships! A lot of people also really struggle with them but are in love so want to make it work despite the struggle! It’s simply true that there can be a lot of sadness and anxiety in a long distance relationship, but so long as the good is outweighing the bad and so long as you’re working on healthy coping mechanisms for that sadness and anxiety, long distance is totally navigable. They even have their benefits! Long distance can teach you really good communication.

But if you’re struggling with the emotional turbulence of a lesbian long distance relationship, then this post is for you! We’re here to help you feel a little less alone and lot more confident about your relationship when it comes to the time apart and the time together.

How Do I Cope With the Sadness of Being Apart in a Long Distance Relationship?

This is probably at the top of your mind if you’re currently in the throes of a long distance relationship. Emotions and endorphins for all new relationships tend to be really high, but that can be especially true in an LDR. Sometimes, it’s easy to get stuck in constant feelings of New Relationship Energy when you’re in an LDR, because the distance means you’re always excited to see each other no matter what. But as I’ve written about before, getting to a place of Stable Relationship Energy is also important and something to work toward in an LDR even if there’s no end to the distance in sight. But we’ll get to that more in the next section. For now, you want to know HOW THE HELL TO BE AWAY FROM YOUR GORGEOUS, STUNNING, AMAZING, INCREDIBLE GIRLFRIEND/PARTNER!!!!!!!!

First of all, goodbyes are always going to be sad. There’s no magic way to make that sadness go away. Any time you have to say goodbye to your long distance love, you’re going to feel at least a little bit sad. Let yourself be sad after goodbyes. The hardest goodbyes for me in LDRs of the past were the ones where I beat myself up too much for being sad and ended up withdrawing from my normal social life for an extended period of time instead of just, you know, having one sad tear-filled dinner and then moving forward.

It’s always a little easier to say goodbye when you know the exact timeline for when you’ll see each other again, but that isn’t always possible. So in lieu of that, have one concrete plan for when you’ll connect next. Set a FaceTime date. Make it for a few days after the goodbye to allow yourself to settle back into your day-to-day life. You can of course still text and even call each other before then, but make that scheduled FaceTime really be an intentional date. Having something to look forward to eases the separation a bit.

Don’t forget to live your life. It can be tempting to hole up during the periods of being apart and withdraw from your friends and loved ones. Not everyone defaults to that behavior in a long distance relationship, but a lot of people do. You’re only going to feel worse if you start neglecting the people who ARE in your immediate proximity. You’re going to show up better for your long distance partner if you’re continuing to nurture the other relationships in your life in a healthy way. You and your partner will both feel better if you both know you’re living your life when apart and not just counting down the days to a reunion. (Countdowns are great though! I always kept a countdown app on my phone saying when I’d be reunited with my now-wife when we were long distance. It was cute and low stakes!)

That said, being overly attached to your phone while long distance can create some anxious attachment behaviors (and by the way, folks with anxious attachment styles can find long distance particularly taxing, which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pursue them if you tend to be anxiously attached, but it’s something to be cognizant of so you can develop coping mechanisms!). You might start overanalyzing every text or non-text. Slow down. Breathe. Communication in a long distance relationship, at the end of the day, is like communication in all relationships. It should be open, honest, and direct. Are you someone who likes for the person you’re dating to say goodnight to you at the end of every night, even if it’s just over text? Then make that preference known. Ask your partner what their preferred methods and ways of communicating are, too.

More reading on how to be a little less sad when you are and your long distance girlfriend are apart:

• How Can I Make Long Distance More Bearable?
• What My Queer Long Distance Relationship Taught Me About Trust (this essay gets at some of the positive parts of long distance relationships!)
• Time Between Us (this is more of a creative nonfiction essay, but it’s still a lovely look at the reality of long distance relationships)

How Do I Better Connect With My Long Distance Girlfriend When We’re Apart?

Sexting, FaceTime sex, and things of the like are all obvious ways of keeping the flame alive in a long distance relationship. Skip ahead to the links at the end of this section if you’re specifically looking for long distance sex tips!

But meaningful connection in an LDR is of course about more than getting off creatively. And there are strategies for better communication and better connection that you can practice in all of your interactions.

Yes, schedule long distance dates! I already alluded to this as a strategy for better coping with the goodbyes, but it’s absolutely possible to go on dates even when you can’t be in the same place. A date can and should entail more than just a regular phone or FaceTime conversation. Eat dinner together — in your respective homes! You can even make the same recipe. Or if you’re not really cooks, you can order food for each other. Starting a movie at the exact same time and watching it in tandem is a classic LDR activity for good reason — it’s cute and fun!

Snail mail is, to me, an essential part of a long distance relationship. There’s only so special text messages and phone calls can feel. But receiving mail is very special, especially now that it isn’t such a regular part of life anymore. It doesn’t have to be fancy. Sending a postcard from time to time can mean a lot. Homemade gifts and handwritten notes are romantic as hell!

More reading on how to better connect with your long distance girlfriend when apart:

• 8 Great Long-Distance Dates for A Really Gay Valentine’s Day
• Surprise, You’re In A Long Distance Relationship Now! (This is similarly a How To LDR guide, but it focuses primarily on how to nurture sex/desire/etc in an LDR, so definitely check it out if you want more resources on things like sexting, feeling hot, having phone sex, and things of that nature!)
• How to Make Long Distance Dating Sexy and Keep Things H.O.T. in Your L.D.R.

How Do I Make the Time We Do Spend Together in Person More Meaningful and Lasting?

Okay, great! You have a few days together! Maybe even a whole week! How are you going to spend it? Probably by holing up and having a lot of sex together or by making a million plans together, especially plans that involve your friends, because hey it’s no fair you never get to mix your partner in with your friend group because she lives so far away! You’re going to quickly realize you don’t really have time to have multiple sex marathons in a day and take your girlfriend to all your favorite restaurants plus hang out with your friends and and and…

It’s easy to over-schedule your time together when it’s so limited. I’m all for scheduling, but be intentional about it. Find a balance between alone time and social time together, and also find a balance between scheduled outings/events and unstructured time together. Leave an entire day open with no plans and decide what you want to do on that day. With LDRs, we sometimes miss out on the ability to be spontaneous together, because there’s pressure to Do Everything All At Once during the limited time we have together. But lounging around in a bed all day watching movies (and hooking up if you want!) is a perfectly reasonable way to spend a day with your girlfriend. You don’t have to feel like you’re “wasting” time with each other, so long as you’re both doing whatever it is you want to be doing!

At the same time, don’t be tempted to only spend one-on-one time with each other when you’re reunited. Make sure you do make time for friends and for incorporating your girlfriend into your daily life. Just like balance is important when you’re apart, it’s important when you’re together.

I know it’s hard, but try to be present. Try not to obsess over not having “enough time” and instead enjoy the time you do have.

How Do I Resolve Conflict in a Long Distance Relationship?

The short answer: the same way you do in any relationship!

But there’s a catch. I’ve found from experience that it’s especially easy to ignore or push through conflicts when they arise in a long distance relationship, because there’s pressure to make sure all the time you spend together in person is Perfect. Well guess what? The relationship is never going to grow if you don’t let it function as a regular relationship. And suppressing things long-term can create some serious resentments and way worse problems! So even if you only have two days together, if you get in an argument about something, really try to work it out. You can always take a beat and agree to discuss something later if things feel too heated in the moment and you don’t feel like you can properly express yourself, but don’t table issues indefinitely.

Resist the temptation to put your partner on a pedestal. In LDRs, it can be really easy to only see certain sides of a person and even to ignore red flags.

How Do I Move in With a Partner After Being Long Distance?

Oh hey, look at that! Your LDR is coming to a close and you’re ready to be a…same distance relationship? No distance relationship? What is the opposite of a long distance relationship? In any case, you’re moving to the same city, maybe even to the same home. Things are going to feel a little different for a while — in good ways, but there can be some challenging ways, too. Moving in with a partner after being long distance doesn’t HAVE to be the goal, and sometimes it’s very far off in the future, but I figured it’d be good to end on some notes about this transition, as a lot of long distance advice doesn’t usually cover this!

Are you moving into your partner’s existing space? Remember to advocate for yourself and ensure the home can feel like yours, too. Is your partner moving in with YOU? Then make sure they feel like it’s their space, too!

Accept that things could feel like a transition for a while. You’re experiencing each other in a totally new context, and gone are the days of drawn-out goodbyes and exciting reunions. You’re going to figure out as you go how you slot into each other’s lives and how your relationship functions without all that distance. It’s okay if it feels hard, and it’s okay if there are bumps along the way.

It’s also okay if things don’t work out! Much like it’s easy to ignore conflict in a long distance relationship, if/when you DO move in together or near each other, you might feel pressure to make things work no matter what. But it’s simply true that sometimes long distance relationships function as a result of that distance and then the fit falls apart once the two people are in each other’s daily lives. And that’s okay!

More reading on how to move in with a partner after being long distance:

• How To Move in With a Partner and Still Like Each Other After
• After a Crash Course in Cohabitation, My Pandemic Relationship Will Have to Weather Outside Socialization

Maintaining a healthy relationship and a healthy sense of self while in a lesbian long distance relationship requires work, but so do all relationships! Sure, some of the challenges of LDR are unique to them, including just annoying little logistical challenges. But as long as you feel like the relationship is worth pursuing, the highs and lows of distance are totally manageable. A lot of us don’t plan to end up in an LDR, but it happens, especially for queer folks, who often turn to things like the internet to find community (I met my wife on Twitter, of all places). Let yourself feel the hardness of it all, but remember it’s possible to be very, very happy in a long distance relationship!

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