The Traitors, the world’s campiest, most dramatic show that is essentially a grown-up version of the children’s game Mafia is back for a third season! And thank goodness, or should I say thank Alan Cumming, since he’s the host of this unhinged, over-the-top show of deceit, tomfoolery, and occasionally, extremely gross, scary, physically taxing, mentally exhausting challenges!
Every season just gets campier and campier. Season three starts with an eerie rhyme that somehow incorporates the words, murder, secrets, and treachery. Is this necessary? No! Do I love it? Yes!
The season opens with our new cast of faithfuls and traitors (but we don’t know who is which yet) arriving at the mansion in Scotland. There are a lot of queer icons in this season, which feels 100% correct, because The Traitors is, at its very core, extremely queer! (No, I will not be justifying this, but if you’ve seen the show, come on, you know it’s true.) The queers on this season include: Bob the Drag Queen (who shows up in a stunning, monochromatic sapphire ensemble, of course), Carolyn Wiger (the emotionally unhinged, yet also strategic queen from Survivor), Chrishell Stause (princess of real estate’s Selling Sunset, now married to non-binary drummer G-Flip), and Gabby Windey (who, when asked how her time on the Bachelorette went said, “Well, I’m a lesbian now”). And they’re all arriving at the castle!!!
Alan Cumming enters riding on a horse, obviously, surrounded by cloaked figures standing in a perfectly aligned grid formation, for some reason. Alan instructs all of his followers (the cloaked figures) to leave, but… one stays! All the contestants are confused, scared, and a little excited! And I can’t blame them. Alan explains that the players have an opportunity to bring this last follower into the game. All it takes is one player to shake Alan’s hand, and then the cloaked figure will be put into the mix. BUT, if you shake Alan’s hand, you also have to immediately select someone to go home.
(Tony Vlachos from Survivor is in this game, so as soon as Alan mentioned this twist, I couldn’t help but think… someone shake his hand and get rid of Tony!! Survivor fans out there know, he’s one of the most notorious of them all.)
So who even is the cloaked figure, anyway? After Alan explains the new rule, the figure reveals himself to be… Boston Rob from Survivor! Yet another one of the most manipulative, polarizing players in the Survivor franchise, the only person that might make you want to keep Tony Vlachos around, if it means keeping Rob out.
Will anyone take the deal and bring Rob into the game? Carolyn Wiger seriously considers it, and in true Carolyn-fashion, visibly wiggles through her temptation to shake Alan’s hand. She reasons that she wants to get Tony out (she gets me), and this is the perfect opportunity! Ultimately, she passes, and so does everyone else. Boston Rob is out of the game — at least for now. I can’t help but feel like this isn’t the end for him. Nothing in The Traitors is that simple, right??
Inside the mansion, Tony tells his fellow Survivor players that he wants to be a faithful, and Carolyn immediately calls him out. Her acute ability to tell when someone’s lying is back in play, and I couldn’t be more thrilled! She’s right, obviously. Tony is exactly the kind of person who would desperately want to be a traitor; that’s basically his entire Survivor game.
We get to know a few of the other contestants a bit more, including Lord Ivar Mountbatten (love this show’s commitment to including a token British diplomat season after season) who is the queer second cousin of the King of England (I’m not making this up), whom Bob the Drag Queen dubs the FGR: First Gay Royal.
Next thing we know, it’s time to choose the traitors for this season! Everyone sits at the round table, and Alan chooses… Danielle Reyes from Big Brother, Carolyn, and Bob the Drag Queen. Immediately, I’m like oh my god this is gonna be an iconic group of traitors. I don’t know much about Danielle Reyes other than she has beef with one of the other contestants on the show from Big Brother, Brittany, and I love when people have outside beef. But furthermore, Carolyn, known for wearing her emotions on her sleeves, giving those sleeves to people, and then screaming about the sleeves, is going to be a TRAITOR?! And Bob the Drag Queen, who seems able to charm literally anyone into doing anything??
There’s a prolonged silence after the contestants take off their blindfolds, and in this moment, I find myself thinking that Carolyn’s generally unhinged aura could actually play quite well for her — she always seems a little weird, over-excited, and emotional, so that certainly won’t read as guilt for her. Notably, Tom Sandoval is already sweating and seeming generally like a bad vibe (Bravo people, feel free to sound off as I don’t know much about him!!).
This season’s contestants are quick to start throwing out suspicions, especially Tom who is pointing doubt towards Chrishell. She just seems so nice that maybe she’s fake! Any long-time stan of Chrishell (like myself) knows that Chrishell has run into this quandary before, but she really is that sweet and bubbly. And this era of Chrishell is more than just nice; she’s sure of herself, and she isn’t afraid to be mean anymore. So all I’m saying is Tom, don’t make her your enemy… Tony, in parallel, is also pointing the finger at Chrishell. Good luck, men!
And just like that, it’s time for the first mission! In this mission, the contestants have to row a comically large, Norse viking-vibe boat out to various pontoons, where they will retrieve money to add to the prize pot as well as fuel for the literal fire that they have to light at the end of the mission. Anyone who makes it to the end of the mission will be shielded from that night’s murder. Here we go!
After a very bad start, the team finally makes it to the first pontoon, where they learn of a twist — to keep going, they have to leave two people at the pontoon. That means these folks will not be shielded from the murder tonight. Robyn Dixon and Chanel Ayan, both from Housewives shows, choose to sacrifice themselves.
At the next pontoon, where the team is able to pick up $20k to add to the prize pot, they must sacrifice two more people in order to keep the money. Dorinda Medley and Dolores Catania, also from the Housewives franchise, offer themselves, only seeming to realize after sacrificing themselves that this means that they could be murdered tonight. Oy!
At the third pontoon, many people in the group are getting mad that only women have sacrificed themselves so far — and I agree! Bob the Drag Queen (there is another Bob on this season lol so I will refer to Bob the Drag Queen by her full name) is especially irate, so he sacrifices himself. He explains in a confessional that he really was mad about the sexism, but also, he’s a traitor, so it’s not like he’s gonna get murdered tonight. Danielle sacrifices herself, too, just so the group can keep going, since this whole thing is timed. So we have two traitors sitting on this pontoon, both pretending to be faithful, because neither of them knows about the other yet!
At the next pontoon, Sam Asghari (yes, Britney Spears’ ex) and Bob Harper (the other Bob) sacrifice themselves.
Unable to choose two final people to sacrifice themselves, the team chooses to forgo the final pontoon, with the remaining $20K to collect, and just row back to the ring of fire to complete the challenge. They make it back in time and light the ring. Everyone who made it back is shielded, so the only people up for murder are Robyn, Chanel, Dorinda, Dolores, Bob Harper and Sam (since Danielle and Bob are both traitors and therefore can’t be murdered).
This season is clearly trying to up the drama (and succeeding) because rather than bringing everyone home together, they leave the people on the rafts while the others go home. Yikes! By the time the people who sacrificed thsemvles for the good of the group get home, they are cold, exhausted, and hangry. And the other people have nearly finished dinner!
Watching the dynamics back at the house, I gotta say, this is looking like an extremely strong group of traitors — everyone loves Bob the Drag Queen, believes Danielle was truly frustrated into sacrificing herself, and can’t seem to even fathom that Carolyn could be a traitor. I can’t wait for these three to meet up and become (hopefully) even stronger!
And meet up they do. Up in the turret, where all the murderous decisions are made, first Bob the Drag Queen and Danielle meet each other. THey are gagged, as they should be, especially because they really didn’t suspect each other that whole time they were on the raft together! Then Carolyn comes up and they are gagged once again! This is a REALLY FUCKING GOOD GROUP OF TRAITORS!!!!
At the tail end of the episode, Alan reveals that the choice to reject Boston Rob “changed the of the game forever,” but of course, doesn’t reveal how. What’s gonna happen with Rob!!!
Well, Alan explains, Boston Rob is going to enter the game tomorrow… as… a traitor. And he won’t be entering alone!!! We then see two additional cloaked figures marched into dilapidated cages that are then LIFTED INTO THE AIR FOR SOME REASON.
Who are in the cages?? How will they figure in this game?! And who on earth is responsible for the incredible and incredibly chaotic set design of this show???
