HELLO WORLD HELLO NEW YORK HELLO CHICAGO I’m not gonna say “HELLO WEST HOLLYWOOD” because I don’t think anyone in West Hollywood watches this show.
Welcome to the very first week of an exercise in extended intellectual torture known as “The Real L Word recaps.” This week on The Real L Word, a show about hairstylists who like Whitney; Whitney made love to three girls/one banjo, Romi built a snowman and didn’t have sex with it, Kacy and Cori talked about male genitals, and the entire world exploded. It was like the big bang!
Then, back in Los Angeles and/or New York, a bunch of pretty girls in makeup, pants, shirts and sometimes skirts, talked to each other (mostly about vaginas) and did other day-to-day things, like grocery shopping. Then Kacy and Cori changed their names to Kaci and Cory (officially) and everyone took their shirts off. Let’s get this over with shall we? Just breathe. You might feel some cold metal but that’s perfectly normal.
Oh but FIRST! This year, my dear lambchops, is especially special. If you thought Ilene Chaiken peaked when she killed Dana or when she put us on her blacklist last year (which, to be honest, delighted me), you were very wrong. This year, if anyone in the comments asks “What’s your problem with this show/person?” I have a new, superior, fantastically spectacular specific-to-us reason to add to my pre-existing list ‘o reasons already long enough to wipe your ass backwards forwards and inside out with. I’ll get to that reason later.
Anyhow, in light of recent yet-undisclosed events (later!), I’ve got mixed feelings about writing these recaps, homos! I mean, it’s like so many layers of compromises and lessers of two evils and I’m so tired and sick of thinking about the right paragraphs to describe this and so! Later!
Here’s a message for life: large corporations are assholes. Period! Trust your friends and only your friends.
Here’s a tip for life: Watch this show like it’s a mockumentary and it’s actually really fucking funny. Think that this is like The Office except it’s lesbian life instead of a paper company!
opening the show by opening some girl’s legs
The opening credits begin and before you can say “OH MY GOD NOT THAT SONG AGAIN” (this is a familiar feeling w/r/t “lesbian teevee shows by Ilene Chaiken, eh?”) everything looks really fucking awesome and your heart explodes with happiness over the higher production value of the show. We will harvest these pebbles from your benevolent hand, Showtime.
We open my slow descent into the firey pits of hell with Whitney in her car, wearing her Princess Lea/UFO-Communicator knitted helmet, listening to Sara leave her a voicemail about how she “feels bad about things being awkward between us,” like L.C. and Kristen Cavallari.
everybody exists in relation to whitney because she is the center of the ourchart solar system
It’s clear we’re gonna get to know Sara a little better this season:
Sara wants to talk about how much Whitney misses her and Whitney wants to talk about how much she misses being on television.
Whitney: “The lesbian wheel is my life. It’s lesbians entering and exiting and entering again and exiting in one constant flow. And at the center of that wheel is Sara.”
Spooky!
Sara & Whitney drink drinks and suggestively chew on vegetables while Sara tries to hypnotize Whitney with her cleavage. If you watch this scene stoned, it’s actually kinda hilarious.
i wonder if she’s cold with only one sleeve on
Whitney’s friends have warned her about Sara, because Sara is Vampire and Sara/Whitney have got too many tattoos so looking at them both at the same time is hard on the ol’ eyeballs. When Whitney resists the power of Sara’s clam Sara wants to shake her! SHAKE HER TO PIECES.
“That’s your problem, you’re thinking too much,” Sara tells Whitney re: Whitney’s resistance to loving Sara forever. I’m concerned that if Whitney cut down any more on the amount of time she spends thinking about what she does to women, she might as well just stand on her porch with her strap-on out, waiting for visitors.
Whitney doesn’t know what happens next, she’ll have to meet with a script supervisor. Sara says she’s sick of living in the past. Showtime isn’t!
WHAT PAST? FLASHBACK!
Oh yeah. That past!
Whitney’s addicted to Sara and wants to be on Addicted but Sara’s worried that’s a lot of shows to be on at once and they’ll run out of eyeliner.
Sara: “Oh my god really you’re comparing this to heroin?”
I think Whit-me is wearing so many hats on purpose so that we can’t draw hats on her, like this:
Later on in the episode Whitney will be wearing TWO HATS! TWO! You’ll see.
Whitney: “You just get under my soul. Like some form of leprosy slowly eating away at my limbs and my skin.”
Sara: “I like those limbs.”
Me: “Oh my god you’re really comparing her to leprosy?”
In New York, New York, home of the Statue of Liberty, it’s Romi’s 29th birthday and she’s frolicking in the Central Park snow with her new lady-love, Kelsey.
another example of how the universe revolves around whitney
Romi waxes on her history with Whitney, which she now realizes wasn’t driven by their incredible intellectual connection or similar opinions on Murakami, but by lust/sexual desire.
Here’s evidence in the form of a FLASHBACK!
That was pretty much it for Romi right there. After that situation she’s sort of just wanted to cuddle. Kelsey wants more lady-kisses but Romi says the moment when she wants to kiss Kelsey will come when she’s drunk and Kelsey can take advantage of her. That’s not the only kind of sex, Romers.
this is just like “scent of a woman”
Romi says “from head to toe [Kelsey is] my type.” Here let me clarify that for you:
Also, they haven’t had sex in three weeks.
Let’s meet Claire!
also, whitney’s ex-ex-ex-ex-ex girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend’s friend’s friend
I black out while Claire explains she’s moving to LA to start a “website about lesbian life” to fill the void, because there aren’t any websites about lesbians anywhere. Mhm. I agree. Somebody better get on that!
For real though — Claire’s moving to Los Angeles because her first girlfriend lives there and she’s sick of masturbating to the same fantasy cross-continentally when it’d be so much more efficient to masturbate together in the same room/city/state.
rice is healthy and tastes great with stir-fry. I get that. That’s okay.
In order to REALLY commit to Vivian, Claire’s gotta go see if some other girl is Claire’s actual soulmate.
to a long career in party promotion and many gay pride appearances!
Vivian: “It’s kinda hard to just be okay with that.”
I’d argue it’s “impossible/improbable” to just be okay with that! What is going on here?!
also nancy, deb, carol, sue, marty and all the girls in the community women’s orchestra love you.
One of Claire’s friends at the Last Supper points out that “this is what you’re leaving” and she gestures around the table at all of Claire’s friends. That’s right Claire. You’re not just leaving Vivian you’re also leaving 12 silverware sets, a table, some chopsticks, and lots of cups. Lots and LOTS of cups.
We arrive at Francine’s mystery photo shoot, where Francine is posing — seemingly TOPLESS — for a bunch of unidentified strangers. What is this? Is it LA Fashion Week? School Picture Day? Romi’s Tragik School of Makeup?
who’s that girl in the back with the vest, i don’t trust her
Luckily I am close personal friends with world renowned fashion photographer Robin Roemer of Robin Roemer Photography and her Stylist Sara Medd and I can tell you with 100% certainty that this photoshoot was in fact for the 2012 Autostraddle Calendar! Francine’s been friends with Robin forever-ever and was an obvious choice for the calendar when Robin started setting up the LA shoot. Then Francine got cast on TRLW and now she’s Miss June for Autostraddle.com, Ilene Chaiken’s favorite website besides OurChart!
behind the mask she sees the truth
[You’d ALL know this was an AS Calendar Shoot just from watching the show (and more importantly, ppl who’ve never heard of AS would know this) via verbal/visual mention on the show, but we ultimately lacked the power/money to force Showtime to adhere to the terms of the release contract Autostraddle/Alex and Robin signed with them. At least everyone got to experience the terror of being on television under misleading circumstances, just like the cast of Season One! (Although we actually anticipated said circumstances, thus our fastidiousness with aforementioned contracts.)
Needless to say, we’re all genuinely disappointed that only one end of the exchange established between AS/Robin and Showtime was fulfilled (our side!). We’re disappointed on a personal level, on a broader level, and on a purely logistical/technical level. It’s like a seven-layer dip of disappointment which I’ll talk about in a different post.]
Anyhow! Alex and Kelli and Robin and Sara and all the hair/makeup people and additional photographers/helpers/humans/vegan snack-bakers who pooled their resources to make this shoot happen had a great time, the crew from Magical Elves was super sweet, and we’re really pumped to have Francine in the calendar.
My intern wrote “Autostraddle.com Photoshoot on this picture” for me, just to be nice:
MY INTERN DID THIS, SHOWTIME. MY INTERN DID THIS.
Robin Roemer is such a good photographer of The Real L Word’s Francine photoshoot lesbian photograph lesbian calendar Francine Real L Word Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual photoshoot calendar lesbian sex beautiful lesbian beauties.
three girls one couch and also one photographer
The only note I have taken on this scene besides some animal noises of frustration is this quote:
Francine: “I can’t believe she’s actually moving here.”
WATCH OUT FOR THE STRANGER WITH THE TWEEZERS
Meanwhile on True Life: I’m a Lesbian in Los Angeles, our fine citizen Sajdah is having creamed-corn-sex with Scarlettor. Just kidding! She’s doing her job as a field organizer who recruits students to help reverse Prop 8. Basically they go out to voters, glamour them, suck out their blood, and tell them that Maggie Gallagher never happened.
Sajdah: “I’m new to LA life and LA lesbians — like I’ve only been out for a year. And I was on the ballot for prom queen in high school — things have changed a lot.”
Sajdah’s mom thought the gay thing was just a phase, like football and wearing light blue. Here’s the thing though:
Sadja’s still wearing light blue.
When a straight girl rebuffs Sajdah’s game, Sajdah assures her: “You’re one pride away from joining the rainbow coalition. We’re gonna give you a complementary pack of skittles.”
you could be tasting the rainbow. for sure.
Kacy & Cori are sitting on the couch, talking about ovulation. Just another day in Lesbian Clicheverse!
Kacy & Cori make me miss Nikki & Jill because Nikki & Jill were so much easier to make fun of. (Love you guys!)
Kaycor isn’t impressed with the internet’s donor-related offerings. They wanna “vibe” with someone. Also:
Also:
Cori: “I don’t want some Joe Shmoe that needed money for a six-pack so he went and beat off into a cup!”
This brought me to this –> ”the penis, the pussy, the baby, pfff!”
Sara’s invited Whitney over ’cause Sara’s got a couple of things she needs “done” around her apartment. You know, her lamp, a mirror, a strange voodoo wall ornament, her vagina.
“How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb,” Whitney asks. I think five — Whitney, three girls to flirt with Whitney and one to change the lightbulb. Probably Alyssa. So maybe just one, as long as it’s Alyssa.
Whitney: “I like taking care of people. It makes me feel good or comfortable. And Sara likes being taken care of.”
either i use this to fuck you or i use it to kill you. you decide.
Whitney knows in the depths of her brain that Sara is not good for her. (I was going to make a graphic representing Whitney’s brain here but I couldn’t think of enough things to fill it with).
Pages: 1 2 3See entire article on one page
Dear Riese,
You auto-complete me.
Love Kim.
Pingback: The Real L Word Recap: Episode 201 Fresh Start Body Parts | Great Britain and World News
Lol forever.
The part in the sex shop? SERIOUSLY WHAT IS HAPPENING.
im very confused about this show, probably because i can’t afford this fancy channel
but i feel like we should all get shirts made to show we’re we place in this whitney individual’s life.
like six degrees of separation, but with ex ex ex friend of a cousins sister’s brother’s ex’s best friend’s gnomes puppies ex’s bbq grill
http://www.free-tv-video-online.me/internet/the_real_l_word/season_2.html
watch it. It’s probably best if you play shots after every time…
1. you see tops come off
2. sara calls whitney
3. sperm is mentioned
these three guarantee you will pass out faster than romi tonight
if amy winehouse and minnie driver had a baby it would grow up and look like sara.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! good one
And before you say it… yes, there were a few more comments like that… ‘the math’ thing, etc. but like i said… I’m keeping my comment light.
…the whole point of sarcasm is that people generally don’t feel that way when they’re being sarcastic.
we can only hope so…
signed knows what sarcasm means,
august
The longer you continue with that attitude, the worse life gets for each black person on Earth. My 11-month-old nephew is black and white and just crapped his diaper. If you don’t want that to continue, stop it right now.
no one has used the word ‘racist’ by the way but you and maybe another commenter. i know that you are assuming that i’m black. but nevertheless, all i was suggesting was that there were other ways to be funny about the dancing or whatever else. too bad what was printed was the best effort. i’m just sayin’… *shrug*
Thanks for the response though. I enjoyed it. :D
nope, i never assume that the person commenting about the portrayal of a certain group/race/gender/orientation/religion/body-type is of that group/race/gender/orientation/religion/body-type’ because actually usually it isn’t.
anyhoooo! i know nobody used the word racist. that was me using hyperbole. hyperbole, sarcasm… all the tricky tricks in the book, august!
In any event, I’m glad you enjoyed it. I have to write a lot of jokes every day so they’re not all golden. :-)
I actually laughed pretty hard at that joke, cause it was lame and ‘stupid’ in a very good way. My kind of sense of humor. 8-)
Very late comment cause I just discovered AS and your recaps and i am reading them all right now cause that is genius writing (your intern is doing a good job with the pictures as well).
Also sarcasm: IFC wanted to have a black person on the show for the right reasons.
Not sarcasm: She’s sick of being asked about ‘diversity’ and thought she could kill more than one bird with a black, not femme, not skinny white woman.
I am reminded of Julie Goldman gagging in the parody. (not sarcasm).
‘she gets under my soul’ .. ‘i know in the depths of my brain’ .. “taking a toll on my soul’
(i have nothing more to add)
Riese,
nicely done!
I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought that little pan to Romi’s vadge was unnecessary.
I was supposed to go to the gym when I got up but instead I read this. And it was hilarious. I have to watch it tonight.
Also, the more I see of Romi, the more she reminds me of my most recent ex…not only do they look somewhat alike but they’re both really weird and needy, it seems.
I couldnt even finish reading the article before commenting on: “WHITNEY TAKES THE HEAVY STUFF, AND ALYSSA DRIVES THE CAR, AND THEN THEY SIT BACK AND MAKE JOKES ABOUT THE WAY THINGS ARE.”
I have been reading AS since 2008 and I can honestly say I have never laughed this hard. You are always full of win Riese.
now I can’t decide between that and “You’ve got a fast car and I’ve got a plan to get us out of here”
hahahaha
thank you , ani difranco/tracy chapman references for the win
KELSEY-property of showtime! haha that’s so funny!
ALWAYS HILARIOUS. TRLW recaps are LIFE.
Pingback: The Real L Word Recap: Episode 201 | newstimesworld
…. I don’t even have words for this. I read the recap so I knew what I was getting into. Still, I can’t even. IFC, can you please maybe just go away?
Where’s Tor??!!
Seriously, do you guys know where she is?
was she like “fuck this shit AND whitney cause she looks like the john travolta character from “Battlefield Earth” and the Predator! I’m outta here!”
Kelsey is like the smart-ass friend that would completely understand me or completely clash with my smart-ass attitude and hate me and we’d punch each other the fuck out.
Also!!!(I’m so drunk right now, sorry)
I was trying to figure out what the new season reminded me of, with all it’s random city shots and shit, and I realized that it was “The Real World.” Anyone else get that?
I started reading this at work… realized it was NSFW. Rushed home, watched the show. And finished now. SO HILARIOUS. Thanks for making Monday a little more bearable.
This season looks like it’ll be a little more entertaining (read: more like The Hills or Laguna Beach; less about buying chandeliers, redecorating).
Also, holy nudity, Batman!
I actually thought the same exact thing in a not sober, totally joking around with my friends, sort of way. Guess I’m an ass as well.
“Hey! She dances like I do! I’m not a total spastic dork either!!”
Isn’t this whole fucking show based on Chaiken’s need to perpetuate all the dykey stereotypes to the mainstream (or at least all the Showtime subscribers?)
I agree with mko about her wanting to kill more than one bird with certain characters just so she wouldn’t get shit about diversity and shit.
I’m also gonna go ahead and blame her (Chaiken) for making me drink/smoke waaaaay tooooo much during the show. waaaaay toooo fucking much. i thought today was saturday what wjhdowk I just realized my bedroom door has a motherfucking lock! I’m gonna feel like shit/death later today you guys, anyone in van nuys cali. want to bring me some relief, please help. for a mere dollar a day you could help feed me. wish I could disapparate into two days from now.
this show always drives me to the drink/smoke
What’s with all the strap-on/sperm references? Is it pandering to the straight demographic or something?
It’s just annoying to me that people watching this think lesbians just sit around all day fucking off each other with strapons and discussing sperm.
I DO
lolz
Sara’s Bert eyebrows really bother me. Tor the baby koala was so much cuter. I miss her. And WHERE’S SCARLETT? I want her back!
Also, did anyone else think it was adorable the way Kacy and Cori’s cat was sandwiched between them at the end all like, “It’s okay you guys!”
Shit. My excitement re: the new season, my investment with this show, my girl crushes on Scarlett/Tor, my secret desire to be friends with Whitney, my time spent on this site, my obsession with LGBT characters on TV, my TLW DVD collection…how am I still straight? I think I may be one Pride Week away from joining the rainbow coalition, myself.
I hear Sajdah is providing you with pre-emptive Skittles.
I’m down as long as she gives me a bag with lots of purple and red ones! Or a bag of Tropical Skittles.
Welcome to the dark side…
we have skittles.
This show is my guilty pleasure. I live in Australia, so I watch it online. I read this recap straight after I finished watching it.
Made. My. Night. (it’s about 12:40 AM here in Australia, ie. already Tuesday)
Also: Romi might say/do some stupid shit but hey, go ahead and call me a “typical pervy slutty bisexual”, cos I ain’t complaining about all the nekkid shots!
@Nina – wow, straight people read AS? That’s pretty awesome.
Yep, I even made a group for us! All three of us.
I’ve had three hours of a sleep and was about to head to a walk in clinic to get a mysterious pain checked out, but then I had to stop and read this post. It was so worth it. I’m in physical pain but I could not tear myself away. I think I woke my roommate up with my spurts of laughter. Now, to get that medical help..
:O
Man, Whitney is gonna look back at all her documented sexins and regret it…big time.
Hell, I am already regretting it for her!
dreadlocks look good on about 1 out of every 5000 people, and . . .
“…just tell me if this orange has been in anybody’s asshole before i eat it”
That’s exactly what I asked the produce guy at the grocery store last week. Huh.
And?!?!
Riese, thank you for walking with us through the valley of the shadow of brain-death that is this show. I am now having a really confusing fantasy of being in space with Jedi Whitney while Ani DiFranco and Tracy Chapman jam in a corner
Episode 1 and I already feel like the only person in this cast who isn’t a complete waste of space is Sadjah. It’s like she’s on a completely different show from the rest of them. Can we cut back on Whitney’s screentime and give more of it to Sadjah and her community activism?
And I am going to slightly disagree with Diver by saying that not even one (white) person looks good with dreads. Not one.
Was I the only one who thought Romi’s comment, “She makes me feel like I’m the only one in the world, that she’s not even looking at anyone else. And I want that, I NEED that,” was a little creepy?
she was actually just channeling Rihanna
ella-ella-ella
A- Love this! Well done.
and 2- Gross, pandering, exploitive, wtf?, really?, wait-what?, why would someone let that be filmed?
Also, IFC is quite possible the anti-christ.
They should warn for acute vicarious embarrassment induced death.
My cringing measured 5.3 on the Richter scale.
calm down
IFC is such an ass for not giving you guys credit. but then again, why am i not surprised?
Know what made me hate IFC even more? The fact they mentioned the New Zealand Red Cross out of nowhere and they didn’t credit AS. It would not surprise me if the NZRC had paid them to do that.
Also, thanks for recapping the show Riese. I know it must cause you a great deal of pain to have to watch this shit and then write about it but your recaps are so hilarious.
JUST WAIT ‘TIL NEXT WEEK WHEN THERE’S A FULL SHOT OF ANOTHER LESBIAN WEBSITE ON A LAPTOP WITH TWO OTHER LESBIAN MAGAZINES SITTING NEXT TO IT!
then you’ll really know why i spent the afternoon in the fetal position crying with tinkerbell.
Am I the only one confused by that random shout out? I was thinking “Wait I don’t get how the are doing something for the NEW ZEALAND Redcross?” They’re in LA…how does that work?”
Also hugs for Riese.If I’m ever in LA and I see the Real L word camera crew I’ll strip naked and run in front of them with a big signing with AUTO STRADDLE.COM= Real Lesbians on it just for you.
The only reason I ever started paying attention to this show was because of the hilarious AS recaps. The show’s lack of consideration for this community BLOWSSSSS.
yes, i am writing a post on it
PLEASE READ THIS.
I know I can’t be the only one who thinks this is HILARIOUS.
Fame via TRLW?
http://sarabettencourt.webs.com/
gosh. “Princess of The Real L Word”? “…and then became famous”? I really hope she didn’t create that website ’cause I would be sooooo embarrassed for her.
SARA USES COMIC SANS
Sajdah Sajdah Sajdah! Also Romi’s girlfriend.
Yeees. I still refuse to watch the show, but the Sajdah and Kelsey parts of the recap make me feel like I could watch their storylines and not want to die of whiskey halfway through.
Romi’s girlfriend is a babe. Romi talks a big game about her feelings for Kelsey, yet, I don’t really see the follow through /sports metaphors
I loovee these recaps. I think it’s all the sarcasm and humor. btw does anyone know the name of the song that plays after the whitney/sara bedroom scene?
Whitney still insists she didn’t cheat on Rachel
Maybe they were on a break.
LOL
yeah, didn’t she say tell tor romi had raped her after the whole cream corn fest… ……I mean can you even technically rape someone who is wearing a strap-on?
too late
too drunk
time for bed!
“(I was going to make a graphic representing Whitney’s brain here but I couldn’t think of enough things to fill it with).”
Fill it with hats!
Yes! this is SO hilarious oh my god. EVERY picture with sara photoshopped into it for whitney quote-context was pure gold. and chanel’s picture framed with glittering unicorns. oh my god. cant stop laughing. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH RIESE.
on another note:
claire and kelsey are hot. and kacy and cori are adorable/funny. also francine’s verbal smackdown was totally epic. sajdah is interesting to watch but im not really into the whole prowling-lesbian-antics type of storyline.
everything else about this show i am totally “meh” about. the unnecessary Romigina and sara’s apparent famewhoring are annoying and super cringeworthy. also whitney in general makes me want to go shower -without camera surveillance- every time she is on the screen.
kelsey, run away, NOW. also did no one notice at the table with romi’s friends she looked like 99% cryface? kelsey seems likeable and totally not deserving of romi’s mindgames. also requiring large amounts of booze as a prerequisite to sex is probably making 234938 lesbians recount drunk-enough-to-sleep-with-boyfriend sex.
aaand fuck ifc. that is shady and rude.
I. Die.
You are a genius Riese. This is so effing funny. I didn’t watch this show last season, but I’m gonna have to watch so I can read these.
You don’t have to watch to read these. In fact, the recaps are so far superior to the show that it would be the equivalent disappointment of book-turned-movie.
Don’t bother with IFC especially since she screwed you.
Just stick with the genius! You’ll spend less on booze and preserve more brain cells too!
First, bravo Riese, I am a fan of your recaps and your sarcasm.
Second, should I be ashamed to admit that I really like all of the “new” cast members? I would be completely content with this show sans the Whitney love polygon.
And third, could IFC really not wait until at least episode 7 again to flash Romi’s chachi? Ugh.
This recap is my first exposure to the show so I am really confused.
Question of the day: WHO IS WHITNEY FUCKING/WANTING TO FUCK?
Also, Kacy and Cori sure do talk about sperm a lot for lesbians. =/
WHO IS WHITNEY FUCKING/WANTING TO FUCK?
-Basically everyone in a 5ft radius with a pussy. It must be the power of the clam, or the sweet musk of year old lubed up cream corn in her dreads.
Ugh, I just gagged and my co-worker asked if I was ok. THANKS.
haha my bad, to be honest every time I read it I wana puke. hey! i must have the power of the gag reflex
This recap was hilare, Riese!
I was also blown away when Whitney wore a beanie on top of a different beanie. It kind of reminded me of that Dr. Seuss book about the boy with 500 hats or something…every time he takes one off, there’s another one under it. The only time Whitney is hatless is when she’s getting down with Sara, that’s how you know it’s business time.
Alyssa: “So, do you wanna sleep with Rachel?”
Whitney: “Nooo.”
Alyssa: “Really? Two days ago you said you were going to have sex with Rachel.”
Whitney: “Oh. My. GOD! Alyssa!”
Alyssa: “You did, I’m just saying, I want to know if that changed now.”
lol my favorite part…Alyssa has the best lines
And here is where you will cry softly to yourself as I fuck someone else in the other room
and
Alyssa, just tell me if this orange has been in anybody’s asshole before I eat it
killed me, in the best way possible. Incidentally, reading about the actual Whitney parts also killed me, but in a painful brain smoothie kind of way. Thank you for your sacrifice, Riese. And fuck you very much, IFC.
#kelseyspinoff
Second that! #KELSEYSPINOFF She’s hilarious, I could watch her all day (in the least creepy way possible)
yessss. im not sure as of yet if she is just super duper deadpan sarcatic cynical which would be the most amazing shit ever….
or just really daft and spaced out all the time.
im hoping for the first obvs.
Third that! #KELSEYSPINOFF
Someone get Kelsey her own show ASAP
Truer words have never been spoken Croce!
I have a theory that all Kelsey’s are hot
I like this theory.
How much do the people get paid to be on these shows?
i know right
Okay. So……
I’m convinced that this season’s first episode was hellbent on proving that the chart is real. All these damn ex’s.
Also, has there EVER been a time that Whitney’s dreadlocks looked good? All of the past pictures have not proved that to me yet. I still look at them and imagine the smell of creamed corn.
HEY SHOWTIME AND IFC> FUCK YOU. I mean, we all could have had a title card of the film clip that gave us context for our few minutes of fame. GOT DAMN. Was it really that hard to write, “Autostraddle Calendar Shoot?” For the amount of time that y’all spent with those big ass cameras, y’all could have put some more shit on the show. Really. Make Francine be at a photoshoot for three days like you did with Tracey.
Claire, Vivi? HOT. FRANNY? HOT. What a dilemma, you lucky motherfu…..
Also, why is everybody moving from NY to LA?
Also, when did Whitney become an artist? When did Whitney become the 5th Teletubby? Why is she wearing two hatssss?
Rachel: HILARIOUS. Mary and Rhoda line? Awkward as fuck.
Sajdah, I’m laughing soooo hard. Babygirl, I can’t imagine you straight ever? But then again I’ve heard, eating pussy deepens one’s voice.
Sajdah created a new dance: The Pussy Bump. It’s a great mating call. But Chanel has a booty. But the weave……..oh the weave……..
Francine is calling the SHIT out of Claire in this first episode. Claire is like, “Don’t say mean things…” and Francine is like *subtle neck roll* “Bitch you wantcho cake…”
The sex also feels mighty exploitative. I will be so embarrassed to meet Sara in real life after that scene. I feel like a voyeuristic intruder. Something that real is only sexy when it’s fictional…..
ALSO Cigarettes got better close-ups than Autostraddle. FUCK YOU AGAIN IFC.
THIS EPISODE WAS TOO MUCH. I LOVED EVERY FUCKING MINUTE OF IT.
This. All of it!
Yeah Luna!
OMG WHITNEY AND ALL OF THE ANALOGIES…. I feel like… this recap is like a kitten and I’m an otter and that’s why I’ll always feel this physical, sexual attraction to it.
Riese, I think this recap of TRLW is my favorite so far. The reference to Pretty Little Liars made me laugh for a loooong time. I just love everything about it. I’d still love it if its vagina were broken.
“I wonder if she’s cold with only one sleeve on.”
HAHAHAHAHA AMAZING!
That was my favorite part too. Also, “Romi & Kelsey are out on the town, trying to get drunk enough for Romi to power through her PTSD and fuck on camera again.”
I love that Kelsey’s facial expression never changes throughout the screen caps @ dinner.
also, I LOVE CLAIRE.
great recap <3
I went from wanting to puke to wanting to cuddle through the whole show. The scene with Kacy & Cori waiting for the sperm donor to respond… “I’m sorry. That this is so hard.” …broke my fucking heart. Also, not to make light of it but this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvlYwAcWjy4
Thank you, Riese. A diamond amongst dirt, you are.
Watching The Real L Word season 2, I was anticipating hearing about LA Fashion week between edits, the phrase “Stamie and the kids”, and Jill and Nikki’s overpriced wedding. It’s surreal to not hear all that any more.
Also, I feel like Whitney had just recently learned the word “soul” before the taping.
Next time, I will do it the stoned way. This was too hard.
Not to worry autostraddle. I told everyone I watched it with that the photoshoot was all Robin Roemer and for Autostraddle.
So like, my girlfriend is well informed now.
Comment award.
This show was invented entirely for Autostraddle to comment on it. This. is. brilliant.
I think its a conspiracy.
Now I’m off to do a white girl dance.
Do I go to home depot for that?
Is that sarcasm or realism?
Help me I have no hat on!
Home depot has hats..
Or just ask Whitney, she seems to have two.
Also I read this post before watching. I think that’s how it should be.
Same thought exactly. I’ve never watched the show before but I read the recaps. Tonight I watched the show having already read this brilliance last night. It’s the only way the show is tolerable.
How to Real L Word:
1. Read Riese’s recap
2. Recover from hysterical laughter/take a time out
3. Optional – watch show, preferably from a non-revenue generating source
4. Drink between/during all of above after 1. You don’t want to miss anything from step 1.
It’s funny you mentioned The Hills thing, the other day I thought it was just like The Hills minus the men and twice the drama
i havent watched the episode yet since it is not aired in the Philippines.. where can i watch it??????? or download? I’ve watched all of the episodes of season 1 from youtube before…
based on the recap, i think whit is starting to get on my nerves, and sara as well.. and some other lezzies here.. are they being fake just to be famous???!! ugh…..
anyways, whether i like what they’re doing or not doesnt matter, because i still want to watch this show coz it’s one of the ways (aside from going through AS and AE.com) that i could get some dose of lesbian medicine to relieve me from the pain i feel due to a queer-deprived, lonely lesbian life… just saying.
i like you riese, you’re a funny gal! :)) keep those hilarious recaps coming!!!! :)))
i’m tired and i’m going to sleep…
This comment was removed because it contained illegal links.
i admit i’m a prude, but just…ugh. the sex/nude scenes make me feel so dirty inside.
amazing recap!
BAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHHHA…. I had the same reaction!!!!
romi is ridiculous! what’s her ish? :/ blah
are there every any sex scenes where someone is fucking whitney? or is she always doing all the fucking?
A top after my own heart. :)
(and no, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one).
*ever any* not every any
zilch, I was wondering the same thing. I think it was the red undies
i like to think of whitney’s hats as keeping the many small animals and sex toys living in her hair warm and safe.
yay recaps! reading the recaps was always much better than the actual show. Admittedly i gave up on season 1 before the strap on episode… it was all just getting way too awkward.
Also; If Alyssa is starting a cult of sensibility i am *so* there…. i’ll bring the hummus.
never stop making whitneyism graphics!
Wait… isn’t being a good dancer a compliment?
Hi guys!
I have a PSA that I need to tell you peeps in watching this show or any h.a.m (hot ass mess) of a situation that the TRLW shows:
It’s the summer and lesbians are in heat so remember spay neuter your lesbians by scissoring.
Thank you.
If I could only only one website to access for the rest of my life, it’d be AS.
That’s right, I’d sacrifice gmail for TRLW recaps!
Fav Whitneyism and subsequent reaction:
Whitney: You just get under my…soul. Its a form of leprosy slowly eating away at my limbs and my skin, thats what you are.
Sara: I like those limbs
Am I missing something here? When did comparing someone to infectious diseases start working? Girl’s got game.
Anyway, bravo, Riese!
I know what you’re saying. I can speak a little whitney, let me ‘splain.
Whitney: You just get under my…soul. Its a form of leprosy slowly eating away at my limbs and my skin, thats what you are.
translation: some how we are alike and now i want you. you were really hurtful to others and took a piece of them with you and left ’em with open wounds. you’re probably going to do worse (like leprosy) to me because I really like you, so I shouldn’t.
open wounds eventually heal, leprosy takes longer, leaves you disfigured and a mess (kinda what happened to her after the rachel thing). she doesn’t wana go through that again.
sara read it like this:
Whitney: You just get under my…soul. Its a form of leprosy slowly eating away at my limbs and my skin, thats what you are.
sara’s brain’s translation: we both like sex a lot and especially sex with each other (so much in common!). I want you all over me like a skin diseases.
so in the end i think whitney was like “I tried to tell her it’s not a good idea,” but gave in when sara misread whitney’s wishy-washy metaphor.
http://fuckyeahclairemoseley.tumblr.com
I love your recaps! The double hat thing made me laugh really loudly. Also, that thing about the Autostraddle photoshoot is serious bullshit.
Whitney: “Sara is like a drug to me. It’s like putting a big ol bag of heroin in front of a heroin addict and telling them they can’t touch it.”
Ummm… gee Whitney it kinda seemd like to me that you were snorting that heroin pretty good.
the hilarious gay incorporated “pussy sauce” not “pussy juice”. minor correction.
the exchange b/t claire and francine was like watching two dogs barking at one another in some strange language. as much as i think claire is one hot tamale, she needs to take a note from riese and join the “read a fucking book club”
I wonder when iTunes will post the new episodes. I don’t have Showtime and will have to follow the zany adventures via Autostraddle in the meantime.
[Link removed. We prefer that people don’t post illegal links on the site. Sorry!]
watch it. It’s probably best if you play shots after every time…
1. you see tops come off
2. sara calls whitney
3. sperm is mentioned
these three guarantee you will pass out faster than romi tonight
also it’s even better after you read the recaps
hey heads up, you might want to remove the link that’s farther up in the comments page . that’s the last one. sorry, im making you work overtime here.
“Whitney in her car, wearing her Princess Lea/UFO-Communicator knitted helmet” Literally laughed outloud at work to this. You are HIL-AR-IOUS. I agree with the shot of Romi’s cooter…what was that about?? I’m intrigued with the couple tryin to have a baby cause this is something bein seriously discussed between my gf and I, and idk they are kind of endearing to me :D…but we’ll see how future shows go. I think Claire looks like a TOTAL asshole and you say you know her and she isn’t so hmmm, not sure if you’re biased or showtime is misrepresenting (maybe a lil of both)? I actually like Sajdah as well even tho you hit the nail on the head regarding the diversity issue and Illene tryin to kill all birds w/ one stone, still she’s funny. Whitney just looks dirty…I don’t get the hype AT ALL. Sara and Romi yes, totally in it for the fame, it’s whateva tho, aren’t all reality show participants in some way?? C’mon. TRLW is like the Jersey Shore for Lesbians, sooo wrong but ya can’t stop watching. I look forward to all the recaps! MUUUAH! ;)
Romi was such a horny hound last season and now she’s doing the old married couple act to Kelsey? I don’t like this. Kelsey is adorable!
I personally think Kesley and Chanel are the hottest things on this show. Like seriously. Forreals.
I also hate that we are forced to pronounce Sara’s name like that. I get that that’s the pronunciation she was born with, but it actually irks me to no end whenever Whitney says her name. It just makes her sound like a Goddess. The light of Whit’s world who refuses to be called Sarah. I hate it. I do.
This is my first exposure to TRLW and Whitney is actually a total doppelganger for my old philosophy teacher, only with dreads. And, you know, slightly more wacky. Slightly.
Alyssa: It closed?
Whitney: Like a glove.
okay, so I don’t have showtime and this is the first recap I’ve read because IFC sucks. But wait. do they shows these girls having sex? like, in real life?! this is….so incredibly disturbing and unbelievably exploitative. I mean, is this what it is?
yeah drunk sex at that (not even the good kind, just a sloppy nasty mess)
Hey now. Sloppy, nasty, messy, drunk sex can be good too.
yeah but this isn’t in that category
I don’t even watch this show and this recap made me laugh hysterically.