Hello and welcome to the star-studded Autostraddle recap of the third episode of the third season of The Real L Word, a half-hour musical television program about a teenage rock group who fill their days performing enthusiastic cover songs at The P*lace and discussing serious issues such as schoolyard crushes and peer pressure.
L to R: Kacy, Cori, Romi, Sara, Whitney
This week on The Real L Word, everybody cried, Whitney dove from an airplane into a serene pool of heavily chlorinated water, Romi wore eighteen earrings in one ear and an entire mountain range on a necklace and Lauren and Amanda explored the seedy sexual underbelly of Los Angeles’ Booth Babes subculture. Also, Ilene Chaiken broke into a stock footage factory and was so impressed with clips of Los Angeles at Night and Austin Streets at Dawn that she infused the episode with 65% more stock footage than usual. Also, an alligator ate Somer’s arm and Kiyomi refused to pay for it. Let’s begin!
We open in Sunny Los Angeles, where the brilliant morning sunshine casts its generous rays across the newlyengayged couple, Sarahara and Whitney.
and you give me morning sickness
Clearly we’re all chomping at the bit for more footage of Sarahara and Whit-me’s naked weheartishly-lit mornings, so this scene was not even at all slightly boring.
look, it’s like we’re little swans in a meadow, and i can do you up the butt
Sarahara interviews that she really enjoyed the Energy Healer Lifeshram Goobaroo Incense Hemp Moon Voodoo Party last week. All her chakras are aligned:
Sara: “It was really beautiful. Out of all the different engagement stories that I’ve heard of, this by far was the most creative and brilliant that I’ve heard.”
Oh really?
Was it really, Sara? Was it better than this?
obvs, ben, duh
How about this? Was it better than this?
yes, i do… want to smash you like a little bug
How about this?
this proposal is not dolphin-safe
No but really, was it better than this? It wasn’t!
+
Ultimately, if it wasn’t this (below), then you’re doing it wrong:
win
We stumble forward in a Southernly direction to Kiyomi’s vagina JUST KIDDING to a hotel room in San Antonio, where Somer’s repairing her ailing keyboard and Kiyomi is doing the conversational equivalent of masturbating in front of the bathroom mirror.
how the heck did waldo get into this keyboard, little stripey motherfucker
Kiyomi and Vero flip enthusiastically through a notebook containing a cornucopia of temporary tattoos while Somer seeks positive affirmations regarding saving the band “like 400 dollars in repairs.”
Kiyomi: (to Vero) “She was gonna have to pay for it anyway. It’s not the band’s repairs.”
Somer: (In the other room) “I get like zero percent love for fixing this.”
Kiyomi’s busy covering her hickeys with temp tattoos while my Canadian girlfriend is busy discussing how Americans don’t abbreviate “Veronica” as “Vero” and how it’s really pronounced Vair-oo and how Vero is definitely Francophone. [UPDATE: she isn’t, see here]
now you have to promise never to let pam feed on you again
Back in the Industrial Backlots of Sunny Los Angeles, California, Romi and Rose are hitting up Jeffery’s Warehouse Salon for Rose’s hair to lose its virginity.
or like some bleached romi with a mohawk
Quick time out: So, Rose is getting her hair done on a folding chair in a warehouse. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Of course you are:
let’s tent it
At a suspiciously convenient moment, Ruby rings Rose to gossip about Whitney and Sara’s engagement, which Rose consequently conveys to Romi, and you can see for at least ten seconds that Romi does care, actually, a little bit, but very much wishes she didn’t. Not because Romi wanted to marry Whitney, but because she wants to marry somebody and soon, I think, and nobody wants their non-committal confirmed Bachelorette ex-girlfriend to marry before they do.
1. well he did drink a lot of beer before going down on me, 2. haha what if jay gave me a yeast infection?!!, 3. lord that shit itches
Romi: “Wait wait, engaged? Is that what it was?”
Rose: “What can you say?”
Romi: “It’s beautiful.”
Rose: “I just wish them the best.”
Romi: “I wish them so much happiness.”
Rose: “That’s all you can do.”
Romi interviews that there’s no way Sarahara and Whitney’s mutual fear of eternal-commitment can conquer the burning fire of their sweet sweet love.
Romi: “Do I think that they’ll make it? I don’t know. But I don’t think that anybody needs to go through dating Whitney again or anybody wants to go through dating Sara again, so I pray that they stay together forever ’til death do they part.”
and i put a hit out on both of them, so death will probably be doing them part within a month.
And onward we go to The House of Sad and Fog, where two of the saddest Pandas in all of Los Angeles are attempting to breathe, speak, think, hope, eat, sleep, and/or live despite, I imagine, wanting to crawl into a cave and sob indefinitely. Cori is transporting a rack of unbearably adorable onesies from the closet to her drawer, and so is Kacy, and so we know that what we knew was going to happen has happened.
It’s difficult for me to reconcile a story as heavy as this being wedged between Rose not wanting her highlights to look like some Chola and Kiyomi telling Somer she’s a self-entitled prick.
The couple interviews:
Kacy: “Cori had some bleeding, and so we went to the emergency room and they did an ultrasound but they didn’t check Cori’s cervix, and they sent us home. They said everything was fine and they sent us home. And the next day we went ot our OBGYN who said everything was not fine, Cori’s cervix was opening prematurely, it’s just a condition that’s very rare.”
Cori: “I was five months pregnant.”
Kacy: “We made it through delivery. She came out at 9:12 PM. The first question we asked was, can we put her in an incubator? And she needed two more months.”
Cori: “We were so close.” [sobbing]
Kacy: “She was too little.”
Cori: “She was moving all day, we felt her, she was fine.”
Kacy: “There’s nothing that you could’ve done baby, it was perfect, she was perfect, there’s nothing you could have done.”
What’s beautiful about this, if there’s any beauty to be found in a well this dark and sad, is how dedicated and loving their relationship is, and how you can see Kacy fighting back the urge to completely decompose because she knows Cori has decomposed already, and will continue to, and that she has to keep it together for her. And that Cori knows this, too, and can depend on it.
Cori: “I don’t know how I’m gonna get through this, I’ve never experienced heartbreak and pain like this. I don’t know what I would do without Kacy. I don’t know, I’m just, trying to take things day by day and I don’t know.”
I cried through this scene, big real actual tears.
…and now we return to our regularly scheduled emotional impact, in which nothing is everything and everything is drama, where Kiyomi and Somer are facing off in a Dinosaur vs. Cylon Death Match.
tell me the secret password or I’m not letting you through this door
Kiyomi wants to check the adaptor, or something, and Somer wants to go upstairs and chill and Vero is cool as a motherfucking cucumber and Laura is just being Miley. Also cool as a refrigerated vegetable, Somer leans with exasperation against the elevator as her and Kiyomi throw invisible rocks at each other and Kiyomi makes enormous hand gestures suggestive of a fight that actually matters.
Kiyomi: “I don’t know why you have to be so difficult.”
Somer: “I don’t know why you have to be such a bitch all the time.”
i’m also stumped, re: this
Kiyomi: “I’m not a bitch! Because you can’t hear your fucking tone and I respond to you with the same tone and you realize — when you’re constantly —
Somer: “I don’t ever give you this kind of attitude -”
Kiyomi: “When you’re constantly rude to people -”
Somer: “You always talk like this to everyone, you talk like we’re –”
Kiyomi: “No I don’t.”
Somer: “Yes you do.”
Kiyomi: “No I don’t!”
Somer: “Why do you think people call you the dictator?”
Um, probably because of that outfit she’s always wearing?
Kyomi and Somer scream gayly forward, breaking all the rules of Lesbian Fight Club, most notably Rule #3.
Kiyomi: “I don’t care.”
Somer: “–because you’re really mean!”
Kiyomi: “No, you know what–”
Somer: “You can be really snippy.”
Kiyomi: “No, you’re a fucking self-entitled little asshole sometimes!”
Somer: “You’re talking about yourself, dude.”
Kiyomi: “No I’m not, you need to check yourself!”
Somer: “I don’t know what you’re talking about dude, I’m laid back and chill.”
Kiyomi: “Okay then talk to the rest of the bandmates and see what they say, you can not go through a day without complaining about a single fucking thing –“
and if you want make-up sex after this, it’s not gonna happen
Somer: “You can’t go through a day without talking to people in a really nasty tone, and I know –”
Kiyomi: “I talk to you exactly the same way–”
Somer: “– and I know it’s your personality, but it’s grating.”
Kiyomi: “I talk to you exaclty the same way you talk to me!”
Somer: “It’s grating, after a while.”
Kiyomi: “Yeah so is your fucking self-entitled little pissy piece of shit attitude!”
Somer: “Alright.”
I’d easily qualify a good 60% of Kiyomi’s vocal utterances as spoken in “a really nasty tone,” and all I’ve heard Somer complain about was when her most valued possession got fucked in a hasty hungover packing situation, but regardless Kiyomi leaves Somer in her dust and fumes forward into the parking lot, speeding like a tampon escaping a crowded vagina, consumed with rage and ego.
Kiyomi: “I’m done!”
no dude of course i cannot help load the van, i’m v.busy discussing how self-entitled i’m not
Kiyomi commences yapping to a semi-interested Laura and a completely disinterested Vero regarding why Somer is the self-entitled one, not her, and the reason is that Kiyomi has put “eight years of blood, sweat, and tears” into her band Hunter Valentine.
Cut to Los Angeles circa March or August 1886, where Miss Amanda and Miss Lauren are transforming your average everyday bedframe/mattress situation into a “pod.” Gripping stuff.
Amanda: “We’re building this thing and we’re calling it a pod because it looks like a giant bed that goes outside. The pod is for laying outside, and you can throw the curtains down and maybe hook up with somebody in some warm weather.”
the pod: your special place for morning, afternoon, evening and all-night wood
This sounds like something that my old buddies at Phi Sigma Kappa might come up with, but whatever. Lauren asks if Britenelle plans to grope Amanda at Plato’s Retreat Pod but Amanda says Britenelle don’t come around here no more.
Amanda: “Lauren really scared Britt off, it was very prevelant that they didn’t get along, like even the energy when they were in the same room together was like… WOOF.”
seriously did somebody let the dogs out, because they’re the stars of this show
Lauren affirms Amanda’s decision like some girls do when the girl they like drops the girl they hate and you have some roundabout psychological explanation for the breakup’s necessity to mask your actual motivation which’s wanting to bang-bang-bang on the door to her baby’s vaginal walls now & forevermore. I retired from that kind of emotional business circa 2006 — both sides — but these are great reminders of the follies of my youth.
Amanda: “It’s really annoying that Lauren scared her off like that but there’s no point in upsettting lauren, so i’m just not gonna say anything.”
Back in Somewhere, Texas, in what seems to be March of this very year, Kiyomi, still dressed like Hipster Waldo, is confessing to her manager that she’s feeling homicidal towards Somer.
Kiyomi: “I might fucking kill this girl, like right now.”
you say i only hear what i want to, you say i talk all the time, so
Kiyomi interviews that Somer’s usage of the term “the dictator” is one of many ways in which Somer’s been “stirring the pot,” thereby leading Kiyomi to call her manager in order to properly “check herself.”
Meanwhile, Vero the Coolest Cucumber and Somer are explicating the Kiyomi/Somer Showdown of March 2012 in what appears to be a calm, reasonable and collected manner, almost as if they desire a mature conclusion to an unnecessary conflict. Unfortch, that’s not K’s choice.
listen, it’s just that last night you promised today could be my day to wear a sleeveless white t-shirt with a red accessory or accent, and now look at you in that shirt. what am i even supposed to do?
On her way back into the hotel, Kiyomi’s stopped by Vero and Somer, who wanna process this shit and get it out of their fucking way.
Vero: “Listen dude, we’re talking about tones and stuff, and you know, we’re all admitting that we’re all sensitive, that we all get stressed out, I really — like I’m gonna step in right now, and I love you guys so fucking much–”
Kiyomi: “You know what? I don’t even care about lovefest right now, I care about the shows, that’s my main concern. I don’t really care whether you guys call me the dictator, I have a job to do —”
Vero: “The dictator was a joke.”
Kiyomi: “Yeah, but no, that’s not the way — she said a lot of things that are really offensive, and really disrespectful.”
Somer: “I apologize —”
Kiyomi: “In general I think that you’re pretty disrespectful and I feel like you are self-entitled.”
Somer: “I can’t operate under being yelled at on a constant basis.”
Kiyomi: “I’m not yelling at you on a constant basis — ”
Somer: “You’re just short, you know? That’s all.” [shrugs]
i’m basically the pied piper of austin, ok? respect.
You know what’s interesting about Kiyomi? When she’s musing over what she loves about her chosen field, it’s never actually about the music itself, or songwriting even — which they’ve yet to really discuss — it’s always about being on stage. She loves playing shows. But does she really love rock ‘n roll? Because I love rock and roll. Put another dime in the jukebox, baby.
it really is unfortunate that underneath those sunglasses and that hat and that attitude, you’re smokin’ hot
Somewhere at some point in dusky Long Beach, California, Romi Flinger’s cruising the city, gabbing via mobile to The Slab of Man —
Romi: “I miss you and I just wanna see you more! That’s all.”
Jay: “Get a dog.”
hey, jay’s the one comparing men and dogs, not me
Romi: “I want one. So bad.”
Jay: “Get a goldfish or something.”
Romi: “I don’t want a goldfish.”
Aw! The Little Plastic Castle could’ve been a surprise every time.
Anyhow, it turns out Romi has betrayed the hearts of The Lesbians of The Internet in exchange for a fling with a guy who she’s 99% sure doesn’t even know what she does for a living (to be fair, neither do we), never asks about her, and says things like this to conclude a conversation:
and don’t be surprised if i smell like sweaty balls
Romi’s all prepped for marriage and baby-making like Everybody Else Is Doing but unfortunately she’s dating The Slab of Man who just suggested his role in her life could be fulfilled by a tiny fish in a bowl.
Thus we sweep on over to another area of Los Angeles on some other night or year or season or era, where Amanda and Lauren have foregone the Mangey Pod for some public canoodling at a Hot Hip Girl Party.
are you wearing my burberry brit again
Lamanda engage in some drunken tonsil hockey, and Amanda interviews that “it’s a horrible idea to fuck your roommate,” and that she loves Lauren and thinks she’s beautiful and doesn’t want her to feel rejected in any way, which I believe is a Uniquely Lesbian Feeling (especially ’cause so many women have body image issues and the last thing you wanna do is be that girl who pushed her over the edge into all-consuming self-loathing by rejecting her advances) I’ve felt that before, I think, and likely been on the other side of, too.
nom nom nom
The camera zooms out to reveal that:
1. Amanda’s outfit consists of a bra, a cardigan, and a winter hat
2. Whitney and Sara are here! With Ruby!
3. YAWN
this shot is too boring for me to come up with a caption for it
Amanda dishes that she’s ditched Britenelle ’cause Britenelle was intimidated by Lauren, and Whitney the Girlfriend Whisperer has some wise words on the topic to share in her interview:
Whitney: “Lauren and Amanda, the whole friends with benefits thing, if you’re hooking up someone will catch feelings. So one of you mother fuckers have some feelings going on and if I had to put my money on it, I’d say Lauren has the eye out for Amanda a little stronger.”
i don’t know i just couldn’t pick out a shirt so i just went with the bra
Amanda jokes about threesomes, because honestly, people joke about threesomes a lot (right??), and it’s this big deal ’cause nothing else exciting has happened yet this season and so whatever. Hell, people HAVE threesomes a lot. Look the bottom line is, I’d rather be hanging out with Giraffes.
or at least muscle us
We then cut over to Romi, who announces that after her convo with Jay, she wanted to ‘dance and play with her friends’ and “didn’t want drama,” so she’s hitting up Here Lounge, adjacent to The Abbey and voted Most Likely To Be The Site Of Lesbian Drama in the Autostraddle 2012 Los Angeles Club & Bar Awards, with Rose, voted Most Likely To Start Drama in the Autostraddle 2010 Los Angeles Reality Show Awards.
so i decided to lock myself in a small container for the evening
Romi’s entrance inspires another round of shit-talking against Romi by the Lovely Ladies in the corner. Lauren says Romi hates her ’cause of Lauren’s previous affair with Romi’s ex, but Whitney notes that Romi’s ex’s lips have touched many other lips, not just Lauren’s, so where could Romi even begin. It’s stupid, but so is this show, so.
i spotted her hairdo from a mile away
Whitney really lays it on thick, re: Romi —
Whitney: “She’ll hate on you because you’re pretty, she’ll hate on you ’cause you’re new and you’re pretty, she’ll do anything to get over on somebody, she’ll fuck your girl, she’ll fuckin’ take your man, apparently — I’m sorry but the fact is Romi needs to be called out more often.”
this reaction was actually directed at the Yoda-cloak Whitney’s donned for tonight’s occasion
Romi notes the shit-talking and attributes it to Sara’s jealousy of Romi’s sexual history with Whitney or whatever, and then a million angels flew over the mountains and turned into eagles and then turned into clouds, and then rained and fed all the corn.
this would not have happened if romi had just gone to yogurt stop instead
Back to dusty Austin, Texas, a month or billing period later, where Kiyomi’s prepping for her show by yelling at her not-girlfriend who’s miffed by Kiyomi’s failure to call when she said she would, which’s an affront to Kiyomi’s aforementioned selfless personality.
Kiyomi: “Dude, I can’t just call you whenever I want, I’m in a van with people, by that time we had just arrived in Austin, I got in a huge fight with Somer and she’s pretty much out of the band — what do you fucking want from me? I’m still trying to call you after pushing all this fucking shit across town, I haven’t played yet, like, you’re not the least bit understanding whatsoever. What do you want me to do?!”
i mean do you even understand how long it takes to put this much gel in my hair?
Anyhoo, turns out the show they thought was at 12:30 is actually at 11:30 so there’s no time for a sound-check! Another stunning intro from Kiyomi to the audience:
Kiyomi: “I guess we’re gonna play about four songs ’cause uh, the schedule got screwed up. We’re Hunter Valentine–“
kiyomi belting the hunter valentine classic “i have a UTI”
Hunter Valentine’s show, though, turns out real good, with Somer hopping around like she means it and Vero playing her instrument like a strap-on and Laura banging away. Kiyomi interviews that she channelled all her anger into the show, which should tide her over ’til the next time Ali calls.
Back at Here Lounge, which boasts an expansive bar area (made famous by the Truck Stop Girls who dance on top of it) with multiple entry points for ladies seeking alcoholic refreshments, Lauren and Amanda have inexplicably chosen to stand at the smaller bar area right next to Rose & Romi, who have inexplicably chosen to stay standing at the smaller bar area despite already having drinks and being apparently irked by Lamanda’s presence, which Lauren describes as “an awkward moment.”
short on camera people for the evening, the real l word resorted to relocating all its characters into the same frame
Romi notes that Lauren’s hooked up with Kelsey but also with “every other girl in West Hollywood,” which I think is the pot calling the kettle slutty. Furthermore:
although i look forward to inevitably hosting shedonism with you in a few months
Amanda and Lauren interview (sidenote: Lamanda’s interviews together are always especially cute — and honestly their situation is one of a handful on this show I’ve ever honestly related to, it reminds me of a not-relationship I had once or twice.)
Amanda: “I’ve never met Romi, but how do you go from being a lesbian to being like, ‘Oh, I want a dick in my mouth.”
Lauren: “Because she’s not really gay.”
Amanda: “Okay.”
cut the crap, let’s clamdive
In a subsequent scene which defies the finely-tuned sense of timing I thought I’d acquired for this show, Kelsey shows up!
No, wrong Kelsey!
This Kelsey:
hey-o!
Romi Flinger, the planet around which all other planets orbit, tells her friends that she’s furious at Kelsey for leaving her house and visiting the Drama-Free Zone of Here Lounge and that they’ve not seen each other since the breakup, which is absolutely a total lie. Kelsey dashes by Romi without a proper hello, so Romi chases her down to yell at her.
or perhaps my own fucking girls, as two former make-out buddies are present and talking shit about me at this moment
Romi: “Do you know what I’m dealing with tonight? Do you know what I’m fucking dealing with tonight?”
Kelsey: “No, I don’t!”
Romi: “Do you know?
Kelsey: “No–”
Romi: “I can’t fucking come out because all your fucking girls. I’ve got Lauren and her girlfriend, I’ve got Sara being mean. I’ve got Whitney being mean. I’ve got everybody being fucking mean to me and I’m trying to like, have a good time… and hold myself together… and then you have to show up and do this.”
Kelsey: “What do you want me to do, disappear?”
[pause]
Kelsey: “Come here.”
come to kelsey
R0mi’s got emotional needs like Bain’s got dollar dollar bills which’s why, I imagine, she’s more of a girl’s girl than a man’s girl. If I may grossly generalize inappropriately for a moment, sometimes it seems like it’s an epidemic amongst twentysomething dudes that they believe all women are Crazy Until Proven Innocent and so you can’t have emotional outbursts or cry or be unstable, ever, lest you reveal yourself to be Crazy, just as they always expected. But Kelsey listens to that whole monologue and instead of even fighting back, she just offers a hug. Mostly this whole Romi plotline has served to remind me constantly why I enjoy lesbianism and hate men so much.
Kelsey: “She just looked so sad. I just saw she wasn’t happy, and the minute she saw me she felt like, safe, and there’s all that’s still here and I love her so much and she’s standing in front of me and it’s just like two peas in a pod.”
it’s a tough job but somebody’s gotta do it
That being said, what the WHAT?
Back to the house of Sad and Fog, where Kacy and Cori are setting up an impending visit from Whitney and Alyssa, who they’ve selected as the receptors of the bad news. They’ll tell Whitney & Alyssa, and then Whitney & Alyssa will tell everybody else, and then Romi will finally stop texting about her ideas for a new fashion line, Hija Por Vida Baby.
Kacy texts Alyssa and Cori starts sobbing and Kacy holds her, and we the audience attempt to prep ourselves for another transition from tragedy to Kiyomi Fucking McCloskey eating crab in a bib while bitching about Somer. I seem to recall crying during this scene, perhaps throughout.
Thus we return to Sunny Austin, Texas, where Laura and Kiyomi are enjoying some native eats and talking shit. Kiyomi interviews that playing good shows with Somer feels so good, but “putting up with her bullshit” might not be worth it.
okay, let’s get down to business and hammer out this israel-palestine conflict
Laura: “I like her — I mean, I never fight with anyone really. And I’ve had so many —”
Kiyomi: “Yes you do. I don’t know why you think you’re this fucking peacemaker all of a sudden. You’re a fucking firey Italian fighter.”
Laura: “I just don’t like to fight.”
for example, i prefer to just yell at everybody all the time, but it’s not really a fight because I’m the only one yelling and it takes two to tango.
Kiyomi: “Nobody likes to fight, I don’t think. Maybe Ali likes to fight.”
Laura: “Yeah but I’ve never had an argument with Vero, I mean, like not really. One, maybe. I’ve had two fights with Somer on this tour.”
This engrossing/repetitive conversation is halted when the waitress dumps a bucket of crustaceans on their table and the girls bib up to dip in.
lunch
Smear on back to Hungry Los Angeles, California, where Romi and Jay are enjoying a rock-n-roll ensemble of undeniably delicious Thai food served among a legendary decor inspired by the merciless history of Hollywood’s rock bands, movie stars and hit films. It’s called Toi on Sunset!
and across the kitchen table, he fired several rounds but you were still sitting there when the smoke cleared
Today’s topic: Romi wants more face-and-vagina-time with The Slab Of Man, and The Slab Of Man wants Work, Party and, to an unfortunately lesser degree, Pussy. Romi’s not pleased.
Jay: “You’re a trainwreck.”
Romi: “I’m not a trainwreck.”
Jay: “You’re still calling yourself a lesbian all the time, it makes it kinda hard to be with you. You’re not a lesbian.”
Romi: “What am I?
Jay: “I’m sorry, when you date a boy you become not a lesbian anymore, you become a heterosexual or a bisexual.”
Romi: “Shouldn’t you love me for exactly who I am?”
Jay: “You’re growing on me.”
Apparently Jay wasn’t too gung-ho on dating Romi again, but Romi finagled Jay into the relationship by promising she was up for taking whatever he had to offer and he made it clear that what he had to offer was a series of variations on “get a goldfish” and “smell you later” and she said “okay.” It’s not working anymore, and also girls are cute.
except my ass
Jay interviews that Romi wants “too much, too fast,” for him, and Romi cries and tells him that she loves him but he only likes her, and then it starts raining and Los Angeles dissolves into the ocean.
Somewhere else in Los Angeles, Sarahara and Whit-me-me are Skyping Whitney’s Mama to break the big news about their engagement.
aw, you like my new hat? I bet it’s seasonally appropriate in your neck of the woods!
Mama Mixter notes that Sarahara’s new not-engagement ring, which’s approximately the size of Mount Kilimanjaro, is super cool, and Whitney’s like, ‘well, speaking of rings… she’s got another new ring!” and thus Sarahara flashes the engagement ring, and Mom is all like:
but what about little samuel from hebrew school, he’s gonna be a doctor you know
Mama Mixter: “What is that?”
Whitney: “What do you think it is?
Mama Mixter: “Are you kidding?”
Whitney: “We’re engaged!”
The big announcement’s met with an awkward stunned silence from Mama Mixter, who I presume is attempting to reconcile her awareness that women can’t marry women in California with this unexpected announcement from her daughter and Sarahara, who she likes a lot, allegedly. Whitney and Sarahara quickly realize they’re the sole members of the Smiling and Laughing Contingency of this conversation, and thusly they stop laughing as hard, and I resort to just eating peanut butter straight out of the container with a fork (the spoons are all dirty.)
Mama Mixter: “It’s strange.”
when you’re a stranger
Whitney’s taken aback and Sarahara attempts to offer small comforts. Whitney interviews:
Whitney: “I’m like a little upset from the reaction from my Mom, you know, I’m telling her one of the biggest announcements of my life, it’s not necessarily what you envision in your head of your parents reaction being.”
why doesn’t anybody care that i’m engaged to this squishie toy though
Sarahara lovingly wipes away Whitney’s bro-tears and sticks her tongue in Whitney’s mouth.
Elsewhere in California’s Emotional Couch Conversations With Mom Series, Romi and her Mom are indulging in a heart-to-heart regarding Romi’s sexual confusion.
how did i manage to raise a daughter with so many different haircuts
Romi says she stopped dating men seven or eight years ago, and then after her Dad died she dove headfirst into a sea of naked emotional lesbians.
Romi: “When Dad died, I think that my thoughts at that time was, I’m just gonna run and go somewhere where I found safety, which was like, watching you with Tina, and a woman relationship was my home, was what I knew, and that’s when I started dating. And I was attracted to women, and I did want to explore that, and I did want to find out at that time what part of me wanted to connect and be with women, but what I did though Mom was shut out any opportunity with any man at that point, it was like no more, I’m done, no guys.”
and it’s like, i know that everybody in london already saw the american, canadian and british women’s gymnastics qualifying finals round for the olympics earlier today but nbc won’t broadcast it until prime-time so what am I supposed to do, you know? It’s just not fair.
It seems she’s attempting to pin her love for the ladies on her lesbian Mom, which’s problematic, really, because if having happy parents of whatever sexual orientation was all it took to turn a person gay or straight, there would be a lot less gay people in the world. Like, for example, my Mom’s lesbianism and my Dad’s death didn’t make me gay. SHANE MADE ME GAY.
Romi: “With my dad being gone, there’s a part of me that wants to have that relationship so bad in my life.”
Romi says that she doesn’t get men, or understand men, and she endeavors to blame that, too, on her upbringing, I think, which’s also problematic, but maybe just was edited that way, and who really knows anything anymore about anything really.
yet somehow i find myself dating them
The heart-to-heart ends and they embrace and Mom tells her she’s got time to figure it out and that she shouldn’t worry about what other people think. Especially all of us here right now.
Back to the House of Sad and Fog, where Cori and Kacy have summoned Alyssa and Whitney to deliver the worst news ever –
Kacy: “We just wanted to tell you guys in person that Cori went into pre-term labor and the doctors couldn’t stop it, so Charlie, our little girl, came way early, too early, and um, she couldn’t survive.”
Alyssa exhales, Whitney bites her lip, and Cori is crying again because this is a story that will make a person cry every time, maybe forever.
Alyssa tells them that her Mom miscarried twins at six months and later birthed Alyssa and her most-likely-awesome brother, so they shouldn’t give up hope. Whitney interviews:
Whitney: “To be sitting in a room with a couple that’s just lost their child that you care so deeply about, it’s like you don’t know what to say.”
Cori and Kacy interview:
Cori: “I think the only thing that’s just helping me get through this, is just having that memory of seeing her face and holding her little hands.”
Kacy: “We still wanna be parents. I mean, we are parents. We have a daughter, you know. She’s my first, she’ll always be my first. But we’re gonna try again.”
I cried during this scene too, I believe.
Somewhere in West Trivial Problems, California, Amanda’s talking to a giant face on her tablet device and interviewing about being homesick and missing her ex- girlfriend.
heh heh heh i’m talking to a hot blonde chick on a lesbian teevee show heh heh
Amanda says she’s unable to conduct heart-t0-hearts about missing her ex, Kendall, with Lauren, ’cause Lauren would “kill her.” But she misses her New York friends, probably also Riverside Park at night and Cafeteria at 2 AM and Josie’s for brunch and that one dish at Zen Palate. Or maybe that’s um, me.
Amanda: “I love my friendship with Lauren, you know? But I don’t need a Mom, I don’t need somebody asking me where I am all the time and what I’m doing and what’s going on and what time are you gonna be home, and it’s just like — lemme do what I wanna do! Like, chill out.”
haha i’m not wearing any underwear either
Lauren shows up, noting that Amanda’s been in her room for eons, and Amanda confesses that she’s homesick. Luckily, because somebody’s gotta spend at least 45 seconds in New York City STAT if this show really wants to commit to its New York vs. Los Angeles storyline, Lauren suggests they take a little trip back to the big city to visit. Amanda is down with that plan.
Amanda: “You make me feel better.”
Lauren: “I’m so glad you’re here, it’s totally normal to feel this way, you know?”
Amanda: “I’m glad I’m here too.”
this is how lesbians have sex
Romi’s at home on her couch crying and staring with despondance at the ceiling, ruffling her hair, and asking somebody on the phone, “can you come over?” and seeing as there’s no “have you ever considered a poodle?” on the other line, we can safely assume it’s not Jay.
um yeah i ordered a gallon of egg foo young like 30 minutes ago and was wondering when i can expect that
Mere moments later, somebody’s at the door. Somebody’s at the door! Who could it be?
who’s at the door!??!
Who’s At the Door? Is it Hope Solo?
No… hm. Is it Naked Jessica Clark playing Lilith in True Blood?
Oh, it’s that Dusty guy, right? Is it Dusty?
Hm, maybe it’s that girl who just met you but gave you her number, which is crazy?
WAIT NO WAIT, it’s definitely bread hat cat!
even bread hat cats need autostraddle
It’s not BREAD HAT CAT? Well, is it maybe Sexual Croce?
you wish
Nope! It’s not any of those things. It’s Kelsey!
Yup, seriously it’s Kelsey.
i just wanna see if this is the same shirt kiyomi is always wearing in her interviews
Like two peas in a pod.
helloooo kelsey
And off we go…
back in the saddle again
Therein ends this recap of this stupid television show!
Speaking of the things I do for you, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we’re currently hosting a campaign on Indiegogo to rebuild our website and make this the bestest biggest ship ever!
According to our reader survey, only 13% of you had donated to Autostraddle as of last month, so we’re pretty optimistic about what could happen if every single one of you donated! 728 of you already have! We raised over $40,000 in 21 hours and it’s still going strong, with lots of perks in store.
The post about the campaign is here and the campaign page is here. There’s even a cute video to watch! Whatever you can spare, we really really appreciate it. Thank you so much!!!!
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I really dislike Kiyomi. If they werr gonna have New York lesbians then have lesbians who stay in New York.
“We still wanna be parents. I mean, we are parents. We have a daughter, you know. She’s my first, she’ll always be my first. But we’re gonna try again.”
Yea, this was divided between me being mildly annoyed by most of the people involved, and me SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY. This show doesn’t deserve the likes of Cori and Kacy.
That being said, no one, absolutely no one, deserves to go through what they did. I would have said they will make good parents one day, but Kacy is completely right. They are parents already, and no one can take that away from them. My heart goes out to those two kind and gentle souls, and I really hope they are able to find the strength to get through it together.
^This.
I was also crying during the Kaci/Corey scene where they go through Charlie’s clothes. It was such real emotion from real people that once it cut to Hunter Valentine, I felt like the bookstore owner in Fred Armisen’s Portlandia…”Just to let you know how we feel—we are this close to jumping up on these tables, kicking everything off, throwing pencils in the eyes of everybody here, slapping each other, then me grabbing her hand and slapping everyone’s face.”
Also, FRAISER!
I cannot wait for Whitney’s Mom’s horrified face to make future appearances. GOLD.
I was on the verge of crying a couple of times while reading this recap, and then things like Whitney’s Mom’s horrified face (thank you for giving it a good label, Steph) and Carly Rae and bread hat cat made it all better.
As always, thanks for the recap so I don’t actually have to watch this.
Tune in next week for the TRLW recap subplot of what Reise has evolved from.
Just reading this recap made me cry so hard.
If Romi was married before how come she’s saying that Jay was the only guy she ever dated? Is he her ex-husband?
okay so i feel like i need an index card or six to contain all my feelings
kaci & cory: so fucking sad, holy lord. i don’t really have words
romi: i actually felt a lot for romi this episode, she did seem genuinely overwhelmed and rightfully so, “i love you but you like me” I KNOW THAT FEEL BRO, but then when she cheated (assuming she had not broken up with Jay before ordering chinese takeout/kelsey) she lost all sympathy from meeeeee
Cori and Kacy, from what I can observe, treat each other with incredible respect. In the face of so much bullshit in the world (including, but not limited to oppression and Ilene Chaiken’s editing), I find these two folks taking the time to treat each other with such love and kindness amazing.
To be truly intentional about forming a nurturing partnership is a huge task and requires some real maturity and guts. What they said at the end of season 2 about their great relationship being the result of years of work has really stuck with me and–as cheesy as this sounds– is literally inspiring.
Mad love out to them.
Okay, so I’m pretty drunk (don’t judge!) and apparently that’s what it takes for me to admit, even anonymously, that I watch The Real L Word (don’t judge!). Fact: Until about 2 weeks ago, I had not seen a single episode of this show. I’ve now watched all of season 2 and all 3 episodes so far of season 3. What is wrong with me?
Sooo…
I really dislike Kiomi. At first I thought she was funny with all her drama, the type of person I wouldn’t want to meet but would enjoy watching on tv, but now I just find her really obnoxious.
I like Romi despite having every reason not to, and I think it’s shitty of the other women to use her bisexuality as something against her (though I think both Romi and I are confused about that; she was married, right, and not to Jay, so how is Jay her only male experience?) I also kind of get her in that even though I’m really gay (can’t even make myself kiss a guy while incredibly drunk–and believe me I’ve tried in my “need to make myself straight” days–let alone sleep with one), I could definitely fall in love with a guy. I’m with Rose on that, I guess.
“If I may grossly generalize inappropriately for a moment, sometimes it seems like it’s an epidemic amongst twentysomething dudes that they believe all women are Crazy Until Proven Innocent and so you can’t have emotional outbursts or cry or be unstable, ever, lest you reveal yourself to be Crazy, just as they always expected.”
This is so true! I often see the advice “don’t stick your dick in crazy”, and at first I thought this was probably wise, but it seems like a lot of guys interpret “crazy” as having any emotions at all that they don’t understand.
“So I love you and you like me.”
I’ve totally been there. :( Both sides of it really suck.
I find Kelsey very attractive. Speaking of which, Lauren and Amanda are both really gorgeous. That’s about all I care about in regards to their storyline.
Whitney and Sara… I don’t even know what to say. I get the impression that I’d probably really like Whitney in real life, if not on this show. I just don’t know about Sara.
And finally, I have to say that I absolutely sobbed at every Cori and Kacy scene. My heart really breaks for those two. I also really hope I have a wife like Kacy someday.
Oh, and actually finally: I just wanted to say that I really enjoy your recaps, Riese! When I was marathoning season 2 I would keep your recaps open in another tab to read as I watched.
personally i think romi’s an attention-whore
the thing is i used to like her in season 1
i supported her and even helped her out by buying her stuff
then.. season 2 came and now season 3
you get to see her more for who she really is
she seems so fake
she seems like she just wants attention
she talks about whitney like whitney’s an ass for the player she used to be but look at romi and look at all the things she did to kelsey and now cheating on jay and always hopping from person to person as well
on top of that her problem is that she still identified as a lesbian while dating jay and she makes it sound like being BI is something new to her
yet whitney already mentioned that when she met romi, romi was already dating jay and she’s always hooked up with guys
AND if you follow romi at all on twitter… awhile ago she replied to someone’s comment and she stated that she’s bi and that all her close friends know this. and that the first 2 seasons show her as lesbian all bc of editing. (i wish i could find this tweet. trust me she said it)
and yet on this show she’s trying to act all innocent
losing all the respect i’ve ever had for her
Romi is on the wrong show. This is not the show for her. Please don’t shoot me. I just think she should give up the famewhoring and fade back into obscurity. That’s my honest opinion. I see a little girl trapped in a woman’s body. I see a fragile person who has some deep things rooted in her mind we will never know.
PMS + painkillers + the utter despair of this episode = sobbing for two solid hours
Laurens facebook says she was born in 1980 – which makes her 32. Is it weird that her and Amanda have a sort of 18 year old girl friendshippy thing going on
I feel like there are other more important aspects of this show to be upset about, but I’m really just offended that they went to Austin. LEAVE US ALONE.
Hunter Valentine are not coming off well in this show. I’ve never been in a serious band (although I desperately want to) but I’ve been around some and followed a lot more and the successful ones all understand that it’s work first, party second. Maybe it’s just the editing, but they don’t look very professional.
I loved the Ani DiFranco references. That was the first album of hers I ever heard and it’s still one of my favorites.
Just excellent and freaking hilarious again Riese, except for when it was so incredibly sad.
Sexual Croce sounds like one of the most powerful and irresistible forces in the universe. ;)
I agree. This is definitely not doing anything good for Hunter Valentine’s career. I’d never heard of them before, but I definitely won’t listen to them now.
I’m with you. A teenage basement band at best!
Wow, I’m glad that I don’t actually watch this show cuz that Hunter Valentine stuff is making me squirm and feel really weird and get flashbacks to weirdass band stuff just reading the recaps. Dysfunctional bands are extra heavy duty creepy. Yikes.
KIDS INC.
damn, i loved that show.
Holy Crap!!! i absolutely LOVED Kid’s Incorporated.. K-I-D-S YEAH!! LOL
Ugh Kiyomi is coming across so terribly. She was so rude to Somer at the beginning when she was trying to fix the inside of her keyboard, yelling and yowling, demanding to know how long it would take then responding with total disinterest when Somer fixed it like a boss.
and then that ridiculous fight, I can’t really see where Somer did anything wrong, perhaps she should’ve taken the higher road and said “whatever” to Kiyomi and walked away but jesus. UGH!
by the way how old is kiyomi? because if she’s a day over 15 she needs to grow up and act her proper age.
It could be the editing, but I fail to see any reason whatsoever that Sommer was in the wrong. Even when her synth broke initially, shit happens. It was unfortunate, but sometimes that kind of stuff just HAPPENS before a show, and if they hadn’t been so fucking late, they would have known in sound check.
Then, I could honestly see both sides in regards to paying to fix her synth. If the band doesn’t have money, it sucks, but it happens. Everyone is broke nowadays. (Granted, I was wondering about this lack of funds during Kiyomi and Laura’s seafood luncheon, but whatever, it could have been their own personal funds right there.) However, she was taking care of the shit herself, so I saw no reason for the pettiness re:her trying to fix shit.
And finally, the last fight about Sommer being too happy that she fixed her synth was the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen. Could she have been bragging about it? Possibly. But i mean, wow, sorry every instrument in your band actually works now Kiyomi.
I have to say, I didn’t particularly dig Hunter Valentine when I first heard them a few years ago (mainly due to Kiyomi’s voice/lyrics), and now I’m pretty glad I stayed away. Had I gone to one of their shows, jesus christ, that would have been the end right there.
I should say that Laura is still basically the best, and here’s a video of her cooking a chicken dinner. Random?
http://youtu.be/FcISh55qps4
Well Laura is clearly amazing.
Ya know, this show sure terrifies me if i was going out with someone in a band. kiyomi with her regional reps then she gets upset with her version of a girlfriend. Makes my head spin.
Romi, I really don`t know about that girl.
Heartbreaking loss in this episode. They would make great parents – they will make great parents.
Despite how insane this show makes me, I still watch. why? lol
So obviously there were tears during every part re: Cori and Kacy. But the part that really got me, like sobbing, was when Kacy broke down too when she was putting away the tiny baby jacket and said that was her favorite one. I think it was because that I also noticed her trying to stay strong so Cori had as much support as possible, but then not even being able to contain herself with all the feelings she associated with a coat. Really heartbreaking. Their relationship seems so solid; I want to be like them in that regard when I grow up.
Love the Ani Reference!
K’s choice reference for me.
The only good thing that came outta this episode was the strap on sex scene. Am I like the only one that thinks that? Lol oh well…
Toi Rockin’ Thai Food! I am missing their duck curry and special purple rice right about now.
Romi, yikes, I feel so embarrassed on her behalf. I really empathize with the pressure to CHOOSE A SIDE CHOOSE AN IDENTITY – I’ve been out as bi for 20+ years and over the past two decades have had a few (brief) times where I have caved and called myself lesbian even though I knew it didn’t fit, just because I didn’t know how to be taken seriously among queers / how to date men without destabilizing many of my friendships. I feel a lot more secure about myself now, but I was privately very torn up about these things for so long and it feels so exposing to see Romi going through it so publically. Then again, there’s a reason I wouldn’t be caught dead on a reality show like this myself, so. Pass the duck curry?
PS, bread hat cat, let’s be friends!
I totally read this as “d*ck curry” at first…Dirty mind is dirty.
Kyomi is really hot, and that makes me angry because she’s self-centered and quick tempered and dear god – i just realized i would totally try and date her because i love self-centered angry unobtainable ridiculously hot girls.
also, the “OR AT LEAST MUSCLE US” caption made me laugh a lot. thank you.
At first it really seemed like Vero was probably actualy “Véro” and she was French Canadian, because I know several Véros from Quebec, and I figured that was why they never had her speak on camera. But then I realized her name is Sanchez and while she does have a slight accent when she speaks, it’s because she is Spanish-speaking and from New York. AS YOU WERE EVERYONE.
I’d given up trying to place her accent. Your work was not in vain.
So, as a non-Canadian Spanish speaker that gets read as French Canadian on a regular basis, I have a pressing question: is this an angle I can use when I meet Vero?
I can’t lie… reading these re-caps are better than the show… especially when you pointed out what the warehouse would be good for….LA FASHION WEEK!!! LMAO. thank you!!!
Brittenelle, Romi, Somer…where are the lesbians named boring names like Christine, Michelle, and Lisa?
and even Sara isn’t just “sara”
Because they all change their names 4 months after moving to LA. I can’t tell you how many ‘altered’ names I heard while there. Maybe it’s a new NYC thing too.
There are several Lisas as extra characters.. n its not a boring name!! Man this ep was like alphabet soup, but i couldnt help but be sooo sad about Charlie, how on earth is that on the same episode as the exploitative full frontal of Kelsey. Ug I hate that only a little over half the audience is female..
This season makes me really miss Mikey
Before I rant, I totally get how reality tv tends to warp shit and make people seem do one deminsional but that being said, I no longer can stand Kiyomi! I will listen to Hunter Valentine, I’ve never been the biggest fan but I like the music. Seeing the way Kiyomi is though makes me really not like them:/ if this was supposed to gain them interest it’s not working out, if anything I’m losing interest. I love Laura though! She’s the greatest and she cooks some amazing food on her YouTube channel! :) eh I’m torn because I really had hoped they would somewhat benefit from this but that obviously is not working…
Is it just me or Lauren looks like Nikki from The L Word?
Ok, they don’t look like each other but Lauren really reminds me of Kate French whenever she’s on the screen!
I love how you put the call to donate at the end, like – Guys. Look at the hell I went through, all just to recap this shitty show for you. Don’t you think we deserve to have a sustainable website model?
First of all, you made me crave the truffle mac & cheese from Cafeteria. Thanks for that…
Secondly, I watched this mess with my sister, who is straight, but not narrow (meaning she had harmless flings with a couple of girls in her early 20’s). She first asked if all of the girls in LA look like ‘that’ now. I informed her that I haven’t been there in a while, but my LA friends who come to NYC do not all have multi-colored hair and questionable wardrobes. No judging… I, in fact, did have 2 or 3 tone hair when I lived there. Possibly with a little blue bang mess I got talked into. Moving on…She then asked why Romi was such an attention whore and questioned her make-up choice. She also asked if the giant ring on her hand/finger was a piece of discarded formica from someone gutting their kitchen. I agree with that one. She laughed at the dyke drama at Here Bar since she’s seen similar arguments there and in NY and Boston. Different dykes, same drama. Actually, I think Here is a drama/fight magnet. Oddly, the Abbey is fine and dandy.
Lastly, I wish Kelsey Grammer walked in naked instead of my baby sister having to witness girl Kelsey whipping out a big (or not so big) strap on. I’m still mortified by her seeing that. It’s all good. She couldn’t believe that ‘these girls’ were doing this on tv for the world to see. Well, maybe a select few, but still.
Hilarious Recap! Except for Cori and Kaci, their story is so heartbreaking.
Let us all take a moment to remember Amanada and Lauren “Like how can you be a lesbian and then want to suck a dick. Because she’s not really gay”
That is hands down the most ignorant and discriminative thing i’ve heard on the show! It’s so backwards! It is honestly equivalent to homophobia.
I feel like this would be a better show if Vero got more screen time
Yesssssss
I actually turned up the volume when she appeared. There’s something sexy and mysterious about her the way she side-eyes everyone. She’s the only one who seems to take her music career seriously. That includes Somer, who should NOT have run off the stage like she did. I cringed. Where the hell is their manager? SXSW is the exact place she should be if she’s going to blow off the rest of the tour.
She’s so hot! and sane!
we got a new girl at work today named Sara and I accidentally called her “Sah-dah.”
What is happening to me?
i just love it that kelsey’s on the show
Can we talk about Kelsey’s shirt at Here Lounge? What was that?!!!
The editing about K & C seemed all weird to me. They looked like the cameras were there when it happened and they were not talking as you can expect, just packing the baby clothes, they probably didn’t give a damn about the cameras and felt mostly annoyed, and did not do the interview right away. The interview itself looked like it was shot on green screen later on and keyed with their blurry background apartment picture. Later, when Whitney arrived, I swear it looks like she KNOWS already! And it was painful to see her pretending she didn’t, for the show.
Did you feel that too or am I dreaming?
Question for Autostraddle: It seems now established that the audience loves Scarlett and that the production could totally give her more air time. Did they actually asked her to be part of the main cast and she refused or they just don’t see what we see?
That Texas style button-up? *barf* I usually absolutely love Kelsey’s sense of style, but I don’t know what was going on there.
But who’s Scarlet?
Yes, that Texas style Button up.. I just couldn’t listen to anything they were saying (which is not a bad thing) how focus I was on the shirt!
And that’s Scarlet:
http://www.socialregister.co.uk/scarlett-hernandez/
Here again, on the right:
http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lq8g3zXvgM1qcl2r7o1_500.jpg
You got me now? :)
She is there from season 1 as being a friend of Whitney but she is always on the background and I wanna know why!! That makes her look so priceless cause I am pretty sure Ilene asked her for season 2 and she was like fuck that and everytime she is out with Whitney, they are like trying to ge there in and she is avoiding them. That’s what I imagine in my head, nothing else will make sense, like why IFC wouldn’t want her as main cast?!
Ahhh yes. I would loooove for her to be apart of the main cast.
i don’t think scarlett wants anything to do with the show, i think she just shows up when she has to, to support whitney
I don’t know, I kinda love everything she’s worn, even the wierdo shirts.
I think Vero is the only reason I didn’t just skip the Hunter Valentine scenes.
Watching a couple publicly go through something as heartbreaking and private as what Cori and Kacy is awful. I don’t understand reality TV. Why does someone sign up for something like this?
That being said, I love these recaps Riese, thanks for your sacrifice. I’m going to donate again just for you (and to get cookies!)
“why doesn’t anybody care that i’m engaged to this squishie toy though”
word.
Also my continued gratitude for your putting up with this incredible pile of shit masquerading as entertainment to write these recaps, which are actual honest-to-goodness entertainment and I think you for it.
I also thank you for it, but y’know, thinking is good, too.
For someone who only ever watched the first series I enjoy these recaps so much!
Thanks, Riese.
(captions = highlight)
I’ve been a reader for a long time but this recap is what made me sign up to comment. I laughed so loud I woke the cats up. The Kacy and Cori part didn’t make me laugh of course, it made me sob like a baby and feel like I was watching the episode all over again.
I’m not a fan of Romi. Not because she is trying to ‘figure it all out’. But I just find her to be complete drama. Even in the first season and I feel like she just gets worse. If there is another season I hope Romi isn’t on it.
Whitney and Sara together are growing on me.
For what it’s worth; I know these ladies – and can say that Somer is a multi-talented musician who is also a pretty great live sound engineer at Webster Hall. And Vero is a sweetheart – seriously one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. Laura is funny as shit, and Kiyomi is nowhere near the demoness that she’s portrayed as. Reality television makes everyone look silly and preys in particular on the behavior of those who are drunk (bringing to mind Jenny Schecter’s term, ‘rapey cameras’). And the show definitely squandered something by casting a band but not focusing on the music. I would love it if the show focused even just a little bit upon the songwriting process, the rehearsal process, the arranging process – the things that really drive musicians to create and perform music…It’s just astonishing how reductive the story-lines are: a depiction of a rock band distilled to its least compelling – and frankly – most damaging elements: shows with bad attendance, boozing afterwards, fighting – these are all parts of most musicians’ experiences (my own included) but they’re also the worst and most embarrassing aspects of it. And it’s offensive to see independent creative musicians slugging it out on their own depicted with so little grace – and dare I say? so little empathy and humanity…These ladies aren’t Wall Street people making six figures or rock star divas of the days of yore with riders and double-decker tour buses and Hollywood groupies; they’re broke-ass musicians in BK with a dream. isn’t anyone pursuing a career in music in this day and age slightly deluded? Of course, lesbians as a whole are degraded and misrepresented on this show like Democrats on Fox News; I just take particular offense as a fellow member of the musician community. My band was under casting consideration and I thank the magical people at Magical Elves every day for the blessing of averting that catastrophe. I guess my point is -don’t hate on HV or frankly anyone who appears on this show; hate on the singular evil that is Ilene Chaiken.
I agree with you on a lot of these points. What kinda bugs me is that, regardless of how anyone feels about Hunter Valentine’s music, if you follow their career outside of this show then they genuinely appear to be one of the hardest working bands around. And with the exception of Kiyomi interviewing about blood, sweat and tears (which viewers probs wouldn’t absorb because she’s being portrayed as an asshat), so far this show isn’t demonstrating that.
It’s unfortunate that we’re only being shown about 2% of the band/touring experience, as you said, the damaging 2% – although it’s not surprising, right? Most people wouldn’t tune in to watch musicians rehearsing or writing songs in a studio, it just isn’t style of entertainment that this show deals in.
Yeah, this was my point too. Touring and performing music can be very hard work. It takes real commitment, but this show is making them look like a bunch of children and while they say there’s no bad publicity, I kind of doubt that’s true in this case.
yeah, this is a really valid point. especially for like, the fact that they’re trying to set up this conflict between somer and the rest of the band, that i had to read crystal’s interview with somer to even know why she joined it to begin with — and now that i know, i think it’s super-relevant because there’s a big difference between replacing your old keyboard player (as i’d assumed) and bringing in a musician you really like because you think she could add something to your sound. the fact that they didn’t think the audience would care about that says a lot — and i think ultimately that’s the problem with this show, they completely ignore details in favor of following boring archetyped conflicts, as if we’re too dumb to want to know why people are actually fighting, as if the fight itself should be compelling enough. this literally goes for every fight anybody has ever had in the history of this show.
Kiyomi kind of reminds me of a combination of Claire and Saj in terms of immatureness, douchiness, and obnoxiousness.
True! Even tho I liked Claire way more than Kyiomi.
also: I’m glad that Kelsey is back – she’s really cute – but dang, what the hell does she see in Romi?
I honestly believe Romi has some mental/psychological issues going on that she’s trying to mask underneath her “struggle” with sexuality. She’s bisexual, nothing special about it. but everything she does/says just reflects her selfish, manipulative, still-has-feelings-for-Whitney nature. like, Kelsey shows up at Here and 3 seconds later she’s being a complete asshole to her, after allegedly having not seen her since the break-up. WTF, and Kelsey basically becomes her little bitch.
of course, Whtiney doing all the shit talking was kind of rude, but I get that the show needs drama now that Claire is gone, so okay. it was hilarious though, that Romi is still trying to blame Sara for all of this.
on: “what the hell does she [Kesley] see in Romi?” –> I’m puzzled too. *sigh*
It must just be massive chemistry/lust, right?
Or stockholm syndrome?
I never comment really because these are so consistently hilarious that I feel like you’ve covered everything, but I’m going to start so that you know that I LOVE YOUR RECAPS. so amazing.
First of all, this recap is awesomely hilarious and pretty much my only reason left for watching this show.
I just want to say that Alyssa is (and always has been) the saving grace of this show/thesebatshitcrazylesbos. She always is the beacon of light and knows the right thing to say, and her comment about the miscarriage was spot on, and I hope it gave them some encouragement.
Also, Kyomi is a dickkkk
I see that despite Grace’s best efforts, she now knows what Truck Stop is. It’s IFC’s tiny casualties that hurt us the most.
I thought Whitney’s mom’s reaction was priceless. This season is way too fabricated that it makes me cringe, and I love how your recaps point out a lot of those moments lol.
I was wondering what percentages of that aghast look were horror that her daughter’s marrying someone she’s been with, on and off, for just a year; that Sara, although really pritty and into Whitney, seems a bit dim; and, finally, my daughter’s getting married on this naff show, for this naff show.
Wow I feel for Cori and Kacy…How heartbreaking. :(
And as for Romi…Not sure if she’s unsure of herself, in denial or just plain attention seeking, but either way, she just comes off as a hot azz mess.
I can see why Jay lost interest – no one wants a clingy, needy, partner that demands immediate betrothal. I’d run like hell if I were in his shoes.
I don’t get some of the comments saying that it’s IFC’s fault for the “evil” portrayal and editing of certain people on this “reality show,” which is really a misnomer and akin to a soap opera. It’s not like she held these people at gun point, so lets get real here. You have to be naive as fuck, to believe you are going to be represented on a television show in “good faith,” while giving up all the “creative control” to a business (ie: Showtime, etc) that thrives on ratings and numbers. You are just a number, they don’t give a shit about who you are as a person. You make their bank accounts go “cha-ching!” as they exploit you and others laugh at you. I don’t feel sorry for people who willingly volunteer themselves into the “lion’s den” then cry “woe is me” when shit hits the fan.
I want Kiyomi to yell at me just once before I dive at her beaver first.
Things I love about the real l word:
1. Laura. Need lots more Laura in my life.
2. Kacy.
3. Recaps.
I don’t get why some of you keep thinking that Romi is either Bi-polar or confused or has some daddy issues.. The only mental illness she has is to be retarded. If you are bi-polar or confused or else, you will have some moment of lights and some of darkness. Romi is just plain straight up dumb!
She actually is bipolar, as was stated on like the second season.
1. There must be a better, less offensive word to use than retarded
2. On a show like this, they’re hardly going to show us her moments of darkness. Why on earth would they show her refusing to get out of bed or just sobbing for hours on end?
1. I used ‘retarded’ to go with my topic of mental illness. It might be a bit offensive, sorry, I didn’t mean to make it that tough, it was a tentative of a sarcastic joke by association. :D
2. On a show like this, they would never show us any contrast, I agree. But Romi, whatever she does or say is just so plain stupid. I don’t think she is bi-polar at all or this is an extremely bad representation of that illness (well, actually coming from IFC..). Ok, they said it on season 2 but they also shown her married to a guy in the past and now it is said that Jay is her only guy so.. I won’t trust what they say at all!
The only borderline mental illness I see in her is megalomania. That scene when Lauren and Amanda are outside, awkward, hoping not to even eye contact with her, Romi is all like ‘wow, it looks like they are dying to meet me but if I wanted to introduce myself to you, I would, so stop begging’ (I rephrased). Although the fact she keeps thinking Sara is seeing her as a threat and separated her from Whitney.. She is just as dumb as a Jersey Shore cast.
She lives in her own little world where things are being seen through her huge ego and transformed by her need for attention. The fact she says Jay is her first shows signs of mythomania as well. A real piece of work! But not bi-polar, I really doubt it.
I sometimes wonder if “retard” hasn’t just changed meaning? I mean, no one would use it as a medical term to describe someone with learning difficulties now – the other meaning has overwhelmed that sense.
I like it because I follow through the french – tard, or en retard, to mean being late, slow. I sometimes refer to myself as a ‘tard for being daft, I only mean it to insult myself.
But then I think of how much I hate “that’s so gay”, so who knows.
I guess it must be difficult to be her and to think like she seems to, but perhaps very unpleasant to be around. She doesn’t seem that unlike the (very limited number of) bipolar sufferers I’ve come across, but that’s going from a pool of like 3 people.
Jennifer, people with bi-polar don’t necessarily go through moments of darkness. They can be quite ill and stay manic/anxious/irritated. All of those suit Romi. She’s a bit delusional it seems to me, but probably has moments of charm and intensity. I think she’s hilarious. She’s the only one who doesn’t pretend to be mature and have all the answers.
My heart goes out to kacy and cori watching those scenes back now later on. It was heartbreaking watching them
Also, kelsey, what in God’s name were you doing back at Romi’s door? She comes off as such a self-obsessed, mean person and those comments about the strap on ‘not working’ way to play into penis-in-vagina sex being the only ‘real’ sex
And Hunter Valentine need to stop shouting at eachother. Its just tiresome to watch.
I sort of hope this season won’t just be them being sadsadsad* – it’s too sad, I want something deservedly lovely to happen to them.
*Dinah shore doesn’t count as not sadsadsad
*That’s to Cory and Kaci.
cori and kacy are such an inspirational couple and my heart breaks for them. whitney and sada or whatever her name is are still ridiculous. romi’s hair is…something else, as usual. and all these new characters, particularly hunter valentine, are irritating as fuck. when is this nightmare of a show going to end? this should seriously be the last season. hell, there shouldn’t have been a first season, considering the hot mess ilene made out of the l word.
and i can’t believe that romi not only got with a dude, but is making the same mistake twice (kelsey). she’s dumb. kiyomi is really annoying, and i’ve heard hunter valentine, they are not even that good. she needs to get over herself. ::EYEROLL::
This is not Romi who is doing the same mistake twice.. It’s Kelsey!
I agree. After What IFC did to the last season of The L Word, she should have never been allowed to come anywhere near the lesbien community again.
never again. I fully support this statement, ifc should not be allowed near the lesbian community after that atrocious act. How did she turn such a beautiful, heartwarming show about lesbians into the campy, unrealistic, needlessly dramatic and strange thing that it became by the end? I still rage over this all the time
I moved to NYC a few weeks ago in an other-coast LAMANDA situation.
BUT WHO CARES; everyone does this apparently. This is not the point.
My notgirlfriendroommate and I HAPPENED upon the Real L Word party at Knitting Factory. We had no idea that the band was the cast, etc. We just enjoyed the sudden mess of confusion, androgyny, joy, and hip queers. We took the DVD of the first episode home, watched it, and while we were almost too bored to get through, the promise of the LAMANDA drama caught us.
(As well as my insta-sobbing at the announcement of Charlie. AH the DEVASTATION that was awaiting.)
SInce, I have eagerly anticipated the RECAPS. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I absolutely can’t watch the show. (Ethically, emotionally, or logistically). SO. I am having THE BEST TIME catching up this way. It allows me to care and not care and laugh and cry. THANK YOU AGAIN THANK YOU RIESE.
Thank you for recapping for us Riese. I probably watch on average 30mins of tv a week and this is in that slot just for the enhanced enjoyment it gives to your recaps
I love the recaps so much. I can’t sit through the real deal because it’s wayy too awk and I can’t even try to care about Hunter Valentine people even in the recaps. Though I think I would actually watch a Cori & Kacy only show. Anywho, please keep them up!
I don’t comment on these recaps but I thoroughly enjoy them and read every single one. Your hard work does not go unnoticed, Riese. A million thank yous for the laughs you bring to my life.
ok bear with me as I rant.
I am honestly so perplexed by everyone hating on Romi. I can’t tell if people are being influenced by Riese’s dislike for her which is based on a vague “rubbed the wrong way” or if maybe people are buying into Whitney & Sara’s dislike for Romi (which seems pretty simple to me… Sara found Romi a threat and made sure that Whitney hated Romi so she’s never go back to Romi again. Did we all forget how manipulative and deceitful Sara is?) With that in mind, all the scenes regarding the drama between the three of them makes so much more sense. And Romi is actually the one who handles it the most maturely. When Kelsey walks in to the bar, she gets upset because they’ve been texting (as is revealed later) and Kelsey is clearly trying to get Romi back. Then Romi is feeling vulnerable at this bar when a group of girls are clearly sitting around talking shit about her. In walks this ex, who you have a lot of history with and feelings for still, and its hard to not want to just break down crying! So of course she pulls Kelsey aside and is like “why are you here, right now at all times, when I’m feeling extra vulnerable” and Kelsey responds so perfectly by just being there for Romi and supporting her and giving her a big hug.
People say she has physiological issues? Really? She is one of the most self aware people in the show. She is really in touch with her issues and is working through them. Romi doesn’t appear any more selfish than Whitney did in season 1 & 2 because the story arc is more about her working through her own personal issues with sobriety, sexuality, career etc than it is about struggles in a relationship. Thats why we don’t continue to see Kelsey after the breakup — the cameras aren’t interested in THEM they’re interested in Romi, which isn’t a reflection of Romi being selfish.
I don’t understand how everyone thinks she’s attention seeking either.
People forget that Romi is nearly in her 30s, she’s ready to settle down and start a long term relationship and get married and begin a family soon now that she’s gotten sober and has her career getting started. With that in mind, it makes complete sense that she should break up with Jay. He gave like zero effort in their relationship, he wouldn’t call or try to see her for several days at a time, he would never drive to her side of town, she was right when she said she deserved more than he could give, and he wasn’t emotionally available (every serious conversation he turned to humor as a defense mechanism) and Romi hit the nail on the head when she said “he doesn’t feel anything”. I think her actions are completely understandable. Being needy and clingy is only needy and clingy when you partner wants to see you 1x a week and you want see your partner every day. There’s nothing wrong with wanting see your partner every day, millions of married/engaged/long term relationships do exactly that. But they obviously weren’t a good match. In fact, all of her relationships end for really good reasons. She was right to leave Kelsey and get sober alone, it would have been impossible for their relationship to be together with one drinking and the other sober and Kelsey needed to get sober for her own reasons, not for Romi, or there would always be resentment there.
She never said that Jay was her only guy, that was just some clever editing and a confusing sentence on her part. She said he was the only guy for several years.
I don’t understand how people say she seems fake when she constantly bares all and is the most vulnerable and telling and sharing on the entire show.
I honestly think that people are just mad at her for dating a guy, and are looking for other excuses to cover it up. People are mad because she called herself a lesbian when she is “actually” bisexual. who fucking cares? That doesn’t make her a liar, it makes her an individual with a sexual identity that is probably dynamic and fluid and changing. Its not like its set in stone. And identity has to do with a lot more than just who you fuck.
None of Whitney’s excuses to hate Romi make sense at all. She is clearly been influenced by Sara who wants Romi out of the picture. We keep hearing from Whitney and Lauren that Romi has some kind of a huge problem with Lauren, but we never really hear or see it from Romi, so the producers are clearly trying to make something there that isn’t there. The worst Romi does is ignore them because she knows they’ve been talking shit about her all night. Is she supposed to pretend to be nice or something? Wouldn’t that be fake? a lot more fake than just keeping quietly to yourself and your friends.
Whitney says “she’ll hate on you because you’re new and pretty, she’ll do anything to get over on somebody, she’ll fuck your girl, she’ll take your man apparently” but we haven’t seen Romi do literally any of these things, ever. She never steals anybody’s girlfriend or boyfriend. She doesn’t tend to make choices or go out of her way to fuck somebody else over, she makes choices that are the most logical and reasonable for herself, she never tries to hurt anyone. Again, i’m confused by why everyone hates her.
OK rant over.