The year is 1996, and two of the most iconic things are about to enter the world: me and the Scream franchise. It would take me another 25 years until I’d finally watch the film, but boy when I did, I fell in love. I was stuck in my Bushwick shoebox apartment with COVID, and just a few years earlier, I had been reintroduced to and seduced by the horror genre (thank you, Mike Flanagan!). I figured the best use of my time would be to binge all of the Scream films.

I now watch the franchise annually. Last year, I had the joy of showing it to my girlfriend for the very first time. It was so much fun to watch her watch the films, she had such great commentary about each of Gale Weathers’ hairstyles, and she’d proudly announced every cameo on screen. But this year, my girlfriend politely asked to be excused from this year’s rewatch, and so I watched Scream alone last Friday night while I was home with a cold.

This is my first time watching Scream as an out trans guy, six months on hrt and trying to figure out what kind of man I want to be or even could be. Now when I watch movies, I find myself comparing myself to the guy characters and seeing who I want to dress like or act like or grow facial hair like. Let me tell ya, the men of Scream are ripe for gender envy. I mean, peak ’90s heartthrobs. Quality sweaters. As I watched, I live-ranked the male characters by how much I aspire to be them.

Casey’s Dad/Mr. Becker

We only see Casey Becker’s father for a few moments on-screen, from the minute he enters a smoke-filled and wrecked home. There’s not much to judge him on other than a small moment where he tells his wife to call the police and then he STANDS BEHIND HER IN FEAR. Listen, I know you can’t find your daughter and your house looks like a warzone, but you would not catch me quivering behind my wife. For that, he’s out.

Cotton Weary

Cotton Weary only appears on-screen on a TV screen in the first film. We catch a glimpse of him walking in his prison orange with his hair slicked back. I do envy his hair, and perhaps some of the attention he’s getting (just kidding…) but other than that, no strong feelings.

Steve

You will not catch me being the first to die in a slasher film, no sir! What good is it to be a hot brunette with a varsity letter jacket if you’re just going to bleed out by your girlfriend’s pool?! Could never be me.

Principal Himbry

Henry Winkler is perfect in Scream. I love how protective Principal Himbry is and how much he was not putting up with any bullshit when it came to the Woodsboro murders. I adore that his morbid curiosity got him to try on the mask, and I adore it even more that he scared himself. But at the end of the day, he is five foot six with a thinning hairline and he mounts fish on his office wall. Next!

Randy Meeks

Now, do I kind of dress exactly like Randy Meeks and simp after women out of my league the same way he does? Absolutely. But my transition is about growth, not complacency. I do not aspire to be Randy Meeks because I find that I am, presently, too similar to him. I mean look at me, I’m writing about a horror movie.

Sheriff Burke

Pardon me, but Sheriff Burke is one hunk of a man. Whatever testosterone is doing to my body right now, it looks like I am on a fast-track to having the same build as him, and I’m okay with that! My favorite Sheriff Burke moment is when he serves some fantastic sass to Hank Loomis when the prick tries to tell him how to do his job.

Kenny

Kenny has the sickest facial hair out of every male cast member AND he gets bossed around by a beautiful, awful woman all day for work. Backwards cap? Baller. He just seems a little unmotivated, not much of a go-getter. You’re a cameraman for the news while there’s a serial killer on the loose and you FELL ASLEEP? Come on, dude.

Billy Loomis

Listen, if you typed “90s dreamboat guy that I can show a picture of to my barber” into Google, Billy Loomis would pop up. His cheek and jaw lines are impeccable, and I will spend the rest of my life buying weird products that promise me the same results. He’s beautiful, but man is he a bad boyfriend. I could see past all the killing stuff but being a little bitch when your girlfriend doesn’t want to go to second base? No thank you!

Stu Macher

It’s even a bit puzzling to me how Stu has made it so high on my list given his short haircut, lack of facial hair, and beta mentality but I just can’t help but to feel something special when I look at him. He’s got that effortless “boy” look. Does that make sense? He wears the hell out of an oversized sweater and I love his little necklace. He’s also soooo tall and has dimples! Ultimately, he is a murderous little pussy. Everyone has their flaws, I guess.

Dewey Riley

Deputy Dewey Boy is kind of everything I aspire to be as a man. Which is to say, I love to do all of the things that make a guy a great man while still being seen as not much of a man. Dewey is an exemplary big brother, a great son, and a bad cop. The most aspirational thing about Dewey? He is a 25-year-old dweeb dating a 32-year-old television personality with an attitude. The second most aspirational thing about Dewey? That fuck ass mustache. And the best thing about it? I can achieve that mustache! I think Dewey is the perfect amount of pathetic, the correct level of cute, and I am actively trying to be more like him.

The good news is that just like Scream, gender envy will never get old. I’ll find new men (perhaps even men in this franchise!) to aspire to be like.

HORROR IS SO GAY is Autostraddle’s annual celebration of queer horror.

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