Sex/Life is a series all about the secret sexy business of couples, throuples, exes who still fuck for some reason, LDR darlings, polyculites, and any other kind of amorous grouping your perfect heart can fathom. We send them nosey questions, they record themselves answering them, and we transcribe that conversation for all of us to enjoy. All names have been changed and any identifying details removed.
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Jamie is 45 and works in arts administration. Mya is a 39 year-old artist. They’re both lesbians and have been together for five monogamous years, married for one. They live with their child in a two-bedroom apartment in Los Angeles, California, where they enjoy going on local adventures, taking trips to the farmer’s market and going out to dinner, then winding down with some TV.
These two started out strictly hooking up for the sex, and now they’re finishing each other’s sentences.
And this is how they fuck:
What was your sex life like when you first started dating?
Jamie: It was explosive.
Mya: Yes. It was very intense, but I think that was because our relationship started off based around sex —that was the point. We weren’t engaging in a romantic emotional relationship. We were just hooking up. So we had really intense, like marathon—
Jamie: Like exploratory sex, I would say. We just were open to everything, it was great!
Mya: Yeah. We were definitely just figuring ourselves out, figuring each other out, in a really beautiful and transformative kind of way.
How does that earlier sex differ from now?
Mya: We know what we like and we’ve been together for a while — it’s been five years. So it’s not quite the same. Like we’re not having three-hour sex anymore.
Jamie: [Laughs] But we also know each other so well! Like before we were sort of exploring what we, what the other person liked. Now we can kind of get right to it.
Mya: Yeah the intensity is still there. It’s just less of a need to explore.
You live together — how does that impact your sex life?
Mya: Well we’re typical, stereotyping, U-Haul lesbians—
Jamie: How long was it? About four months?
Mya: Three or four months. We moved in together mostly out of—
Jamie: Necessity. I’d lost my job when the pandemic started, but to be fair, we were talking about moving in together maybe a couple months after that.
Mya: True, we were just moving up the timeline. It didn’t feel rushed or forced, um, living together… Maybe a little rushed, maybe a little? I don’t think in the beginning it impacted our sex life ’cause the relationship was still so new. We just had to, you know, make a little bit more of an effort, since we were together all day.
We weren’t creating time or space just specifically to have sex, where we had been previously.
How has being parents impacted your sex life?
Mya: We have a child so we just have to be careful!! When you moved in we lived in a very small space, and so we had to be kind of clever, and careful. There were a lot of quickies in the bathroom during the day, or just waiting until the night.
Thankfully our child sleeps like the dead, so that was a little bit easier. There were a couple of close calls though.
Jamie: [Laughs] There were!
Mya: But you know, being in the dark was helpful.
Jamie: We just had to be very mindful of ourselves and our space, yeah,
Mya: And now our kid is older, and so…
Jamie: We have more space!
Mya: We have more time and we have more space! But I actually wouldn’t say that being parents has impacted our sex life so much as the other external life factors, like jobs—
Jamie: Totally.
Do you have a top/bottom dynamic?
Jamie: We’re… yes. But we’re also sort of switches—
Mya: I think we’re switchy, yeah! I think it depends on—
Jamie: How tired I am.
Mya: Yes, how tired she is. But also on where our energies are and what kind of pleasure we’re trying to derive. I think because we are so connected sexually that we derive pleasure from—
Jamie: Pleasuring the other person.
Mya: Exactly. So sometimes if I just need to kick into second gear to get to where I need to be, pleasuring you does that. I guess I’d be the top in those situations?
Jamie: Yeah. Although really, truly, you’re not wrong in that the other person’s pleasure gets us off.
Mya: I mean, if anything, she has become a bit of a pillow princess, which is funny because—
Jamie: I’m the butch one.
Mya: I think it’s really adorable. As a person who previously had sex with men, it’s been really empowering for me to kind of take on the role of being the person who gives the pleasure in that way.
Do you feel like your sex drives are well matched?
Jamie: Yes and no! In the short amount of time that we’ve been together, my career has changed a lot, and my jobs demanded a lot from me. So even though I had desire, I didn’t necessarily have the energy that I would like. My sleep cycles are finally starting to even out.
Mya: Yeah external factors probably impact our sex drives on that level. I still menstruate and Jamie doesn’t, so in periods of ovulation my sex drive might be a little bit higher.
But in terms of our general sex drives, I think we’re fairly evenly matched. It really is mostly external circumstances that have any sort of impact.
Jamie: A hundred percent.
Are there things you don’t like to do during sex?
Mya: You’re not really into penetration. I’m not into penetration. I think that’s the one thing.
Well I mean, you’re a little bit more into it than I am. For me, it has to be very specific. I have to ask for it. There has to be something happening within my body that just calls out for it, in which case then I’ll ask for it. But generally, no, I do not. And I definitely don’t like being penetrated by anything other than fingers.
Jamie: Yeah. No, definitely
Are there specific things you like to do during sex?
Jamie: Absolutely.
Mya: I don’t wanna say sex has become perfunctory, but we know what we like.
Jamie: Yeah.
Mya: So I think that we’ll kind of go for that. [Laughs] I know you like certain things and I know how to touch you in ways that will maximize pleasure. But also, I could do it in an expeditious way if we don’t have a lot of time or energy.
Jamie: Right. We could very efficiently have a quickie if we wanted to. Longer sex sessions, we’re like switching off between us, because the other person’s pleasure makes us hotter, so we just keep going.
Mya: There’s nothing that gets me off more than eating you out. I think it’s kind of the same for you, maybe?
Jamie: Oh are we getting into details? We can get into details. What I really like is that she can come by just having her nipples played with. That’s super fun for me.
Mya: It’s fun for me too! [Laughs] That was one of the things that we figured out together, too. Like, I knew that I could have pleasure, but I didn’t realize the depths of what that pleasure looked like until you and I started having sex with each other.
Jamie: Right.
What are some things you’d like to try (or try again)?
Jamie: Toys, maybe? Usually I’m the one who wants them, but I don’t always feel like I can, like I have to be really turned on for it to feel good.
Mya: Right.
Jamie: I don’t know, in the beginning I liked them a lot. And now maybe because we are kind of into the same things, we’re pretty simpatico. I think maybe getting back into them, if our child isn’t around.
Mya: Yeah let’s! I mean we have a whole bunch in the drawer. I’d like to try them again.
I think also sometimes your mental health does play into this — and we didn’t really talk about it before because it didn’t come up, but the medications you take do play a big part in that, too.
Jamie: Oh yeah, for sure. I don’t like to think about that, but it’s true.
Mya: It’s true. But I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it. Just that it also kind of impacts that kind of stuff, when it comes to what we would try again.
Jamie: For sure.
How important are orgasms to your sex life?
Mya: Extremely
Jamie: Important. Very, very important.
Mya: Incredibly important. Yes.
Jamie: It didn’t used to be for you, in past relationships you’ve had.
Mya: Yeah, again because I didn’t realize until I started having sex with women that penetration didn’t really do anything for me. But now?
Jamie: So important.
Mya: It’s incredibly important. For me, an orgasm is like the ultimate form of stress relief.
Jamie: And we have very different, um, orgasm patterns. [Laughs]
Mya: Yes, I can orgasm seven or eight times in a night. And that could be within a 45 minute period.
Jamie: Yes. I can do it once,
Mya: Maybe twice.
Jamie: Maybe twice. It’s really fun for me to see how many times I can make her come. It’s like, a giant triumph.
Mya: [Laughs] For me, it’s a giant triumph when I get you to orgasm. Especially if I can do it with my mouth.
Jamie: Oh, that’s amazing.
Mya: It’s pretty intense!
What role does masturbation play in your sex life?
Jamie: We don’t masturbate anymore!
Mya: Not anymore! Once we moved in together, I think… I can’t even remember if I’ve masturbated in the last five years. Actually we do sometimes! Like—
Jamie : During sex.
Mya: But even that’s pretty rare? It would either be because we’re so turned on by each other or like, I start developing a mild case of carpal tunnel, so I might ask you to take over. So it might be a moment of necessity, but the other person is very much present for it.
Tell us about your favorite or most memorable time you’ve had sex together.
Mya: [Gasps] I don’t even know!
Jamie: Oh, I know.
Mya: You know?? Then by all means.
Jamie: So most memorable was the first time you realized — you tried getting on top of me, and using my leg, rubbing on my leg. That was the coolest thing, and now it’s like—
Mya: A regular part!
Jamie: My favorite thing that you do! It was so sexy, that discovery.
Mya: I do remember when we used the ice cream sundae toppings! That was fun.
Jamie: [Laughs] That was fun.
Mya: It was a little sticky! I had to take a shower after. We’d had some extra, what was it? Chocolate sauce and caramel? And so we were like, you know what? We’re not making ice cream sundaes. So I let Jamie cover me in ice cream sundae toppings.
Jamie: Oh. It was great for me.
Mya: And the first time I used a strap on you was probably my favorite.
Jamie: That was great.
Mya: That was pretty cool. I felt very powerful. [Laughs]
Jamie: And I have like, control issues, so learning to let go I think was really important also.
Mya: Yeah, that was a really vulnerable moment, and in a way it really strengthened our trust. Not just in bed, but in general.
Jamie: Absolutely.
Sex/Life is a series all about the secret sexy business of couples, throuples, exes who still fuck for some reason, LDR darlings, polyculites, and any other kind of amorous grouping your perfect heart can fathom. You can join them by emailing [email protected]! (No writing experience necessary.)
