This recap was originally published on Riese’s personal L Word recap blog, The Road Best Straddled, in 2007. It has been reposted on Autostraddle.com in all its messy, outdated, poorly formatted glory. It would also appear that the images from this post have vanished into some kind of web 1.0 ether.

Because we’re so cool we can barely even breathe, our finale “party” (I say “our” because even though it was “mine,” really I was too drunk to be a “hostess,” which is one of many reasons why I have Haviland) was graced not only by a mag-assignment-expense account (read: free food and drink) but by photographer Layla Love, who’s fine work you may have spotted on Hav’s website/myspace and my website/myspace. I’m not linking to myself, because this paragraph’s already got about all the ego it can handle. Also I swear, I really do have a girlfriend, only apparently I WON’T if I put her in any photos. And if she is a figment of my imagination, she feels pretty fucking real.

I have no idea when that photo was taken, but half the crowd is missing, and I’m clearly not impressed with what I see on the teevee. There’s a lot of photos from this party that I don’t remember being taken. Here’s some more mystery photos:

There are also photos in this re-cap that Hav and I took of ourselves before the show, because we’re weird like that. I’d explain to you which ones they are, but I think it’s obvs.

1. Ames says that the dialogue on All my Children is sometimes better than The L Word‘s.

2. hysterectomaniacally = new word, means “laughing a lot.”

How Long Have We Been Waiting for OUR Change to Come, Goddammit?
Bette is walking through some sort of balloon village. She sees Toshi Regan and gets down on her knees. That’s sign language for “spread your legs, baby, and let’s get it onnnnnn,” unfortunately Toshi doesn’t know sign language. She thinks it means “Please continue to play your song while I gaze lovingly at you.” And hey, those lyrics coincidentally match the refrain playing in our heads right now as we watch this show.

FYI….. The “17 reasons why” sign was on the corner of 17th and Mission Street in San Francisco until 2002, when it was replaced by a Miller Light Sign. Residents protested, because San Francisco is like that. The sign was erected in the 1930s as a slogan for the furniture-company Redlick-Newman.

Here’s why, and I’m including this because the dialogue is totes L-Word worthy:

“My father developed this slogan after much study, asking everybody and their cousin,” he said. “He’d gotten the idea from Heinz 57 years back. They had 57 brands of food or pickles, whatever.”

The 17 did refer to the fact the store stood on the corner of 17th Street. But what were the reasons?

“People would ask what the 17 reasons were, and we would guff it off. There were no 17 reasons,” he said.

–“The Truth About the ‘Reasons Why’ Sign,” by Victoria Culver, SFE 2002

I Read “The Screenwriters Workbook,” p.s., and I Would Not Recommend It, Totes Boring, Go Back to The Truth About Diamonds.
Jenny is at The Planet, picking up her triple-soy-latte-gingerbread-philter beverage. Tina tries to sideline her, but Jenny is on a hurry to pick up her dog, which is going to be “so little and cute.” Unlike Sounder Sr., who was “so large and slobbery.” Tina tells her that the meeting has been canceled, but I think she’s lying! She’s a good liar, she should play poker.

Waiting for Wishnia
I spy heavy breathing. I spy a Paige-body, and a Shane body, and I spy the words “Jane Lynch.” If the show had ended at this moment, my life would have been complete, and I could have died a happy woman, full of expectation and hope for the future. Di, Di, Yay-nu. Di, di, yay-nu. Di-di-yay-nu. Dayenu Daynu.

Oh what a beautiful MORNING, oh what a beautiful day! I’ve got this wonderful FEELING! Everything’s going my way! Erin Daniels, y’all! If only Strunk & White were here, we could go to Boston Market and chat it up!

Lesbian Sexy Moment #20: Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Gay
The Players: Shane and Paige
The Pick-Up: No clue. I’m guessing something monosyllabic and straightforward. E.G: “Lets fuck.” “Okay.”
Hot or Not?: Oops Jared.

Right, so they are makin’ out and Jared spoils the fun. Paige says that Jared is purposely going out of his way to make sure they don’t have a moment alone together. Yeah; unlike J-Dawg, I totes gave my Mom all the time alone she needed. I was 15, thus I had shit to do, like listen to The Lemonheads and cut my hair off and make lanyards for my Lip Smackers.

Fasten Your Seatbelts. It’s Gonna be a Bumpy Afternoon: Paige tells Shane “I love being with you in cars and at your work, but I’d really like to fuck you in a bed, and I’d like to go to sleep with you, and I’d like to wake up with you.” YIKES! Shane’s dyke-drama-alarms start a’ringing in her head, then she swallows them and is totally Carpe Diem about it. She’s like “we’ll talk to him.” To herself, she’s like: “Then Carmen will forgive me for how I done her wrong this time last year.”

Lesbian Sqaubble #38: She Must Love the Smell of Napalm in the Morning
In the Ring: Tasha/People Who Love Freedom V. Alice/Bleeding-Heart Liberals/People Who Love Humanity
Content/Result: Alice is giving Tasha the silent treatment, so Tasha thinks quick: she demounts and chases Alice while shouting her name (“Alice! Alice!”) However, unlike insurgents, Alice surrenders quickly and submits to a convo. Alice says her left-wing-radical West Hollywood doc will get Tasha out of duty by slapping her with crabs or “scurvy.” Unfortunately she doesn’t mention SARS or Cholera, that’d been way funnier. Tasha’s explains she’s not trying to get out of it, she made a commitment, and Alice is like, Fuck this shit. She doesn’t need another dead ex. Who Wins? Putting aside the automatic-lose of Alice’s whole ensemble here and the automatic-hot of Tasha’s motorcycle, arms, face, etc… I guess it depends

Come to Me, Cover Me, Together We’ll Break These Chains of Love
“Tash, I’ve got these handcuffs around my neck for a reason, and it’s not to promote Jodi’s latest “installation”–I’m strapping you to the bed and forcing you to watch The Ghosts of Abu Ghraib till you scream for SARS. I’ll totes hire you at OurChart, don’t sweat about not understanding computers, none of my employees do, that’s why we got so many bugs.”

Side Note: Papi is Eva Torres. Who knows who that is? Only who Carmen De La Pica Morales went to prom with.

Hello, U-Haul! Are we really supposed to believe that all of Catherine’s panties fit in that Barneys bag? And that other bag? Dude, I’d rather separate Skeletor’s underpants than work the register at Wax, like Helena did in Ep-2. I’d rather do that than a lot of things. Papi’s like, Helena, why are you getting totally whooped by this woman? Can’t she hire movers to move you into this palace?

Helena: “But I’m here, and I’m able-bodied–”
Haviland: “Yeah you are.”
Helena: “And it’s not as if I work for a living.”
Riese: “Yeah you don’t.”

You know, as jobs go: I’ll fuckin’ take this one. C’mon. Playing poker, sorting hot underwear, having sex, living on the beach, picking up dry cleaning: um, I’LL FUCKING TAKE IT. Also, I heart Papi’s morning after look. So fresh and so clean clean

Tina, Welcome Back to the Land of the Smokin’ Hot.
Bette, representing Talbots, is on the right side of the runway. Tina, representing Prada, is stage left. The two are discussing Jodi, who’s not speaking to Bette because Bette skipped the meeting of the Rings of Power, and Tina’s like, did you e-mail her? Bla bla bla, here, let me just text Jodi for you.

Text/Subtext/Text/Subtext/Text/Subtext
Tina is so kind, she reads the text out loud, for all the viewers at home who can’t: 1. See the text she’s texting, 2. Move because they’ve already been beaten in the Great Subtext War that left 10,000 dead horses and 15,000 very bored lesbians. She reads it very slowly so that Jodi can read her lips. If by any chance you missed the part of life where you learned the art of language, here’s what it said, which Tina reads very slowly so Jodi can read her lips: “Dear Jodi, when I am scared, I micromanage and when I am uncertain I overstate when I am challenged I um–belittle–and lash out. And when I love someone, I try to put her in a box.”

Tina says flowers are too generic. Ilene, are these the sorts of things you whisper to yourself at night when you tuck yourself into your coffin? “Oh, character development, too generic! Pleasing the audience, GEN-ER-IC!” So then you go and declare all flowers generic? Why? Because people LIKE them, just like they LIKE generic things like retaining popular storylines? I’ve never been on the giving end of the flower-exchange, except on opening night of Les Miswhen I sent Haviland a lemon tree (and a note that said something stalkerish like, “I am following you”), and she obvs thought I was way cooler and less generic after that.

Bette sees Kate, and asks Tina if she is seeing women now and adds she just wants Tina to be happy. (Ding! Kiss of death!) Bette asks Tina tells Bette to call her if she needs advice, which will likely go like this: “Bette, you suck and here’s why.” Kate comes over and consumes about 800 calories of pastries. I am blinded by her pink Kangol hat; I can’t speak.

Jared, we’ve just saved 15% on car insurance by switching to Geico: Shane and Paige are coming out to their son, Jared. Jared’s shoving his piehole, per always. He spills his ketchup, I’m not sure why, I think it’s so we remember that Jared is only a child who makes mistakes and that Shane wears expensive shirts.

Lesbian Squabble #38: Nope, You’re Not Gay.
In the Ring: Jared V. the Mombians
Content/Result: Paige begins with this porn-tastic dish: “Well, you know that Shane is my girlfriend?” Shane looks bored out of her skull. Jared, with the vocal inflections of a crappy child actor from Showbiz Moms and Dads auditioning for a grape juice commercial, intones: “I don’t want you to be a lez. I already know that you are (to Shane), but I don’t want my Mom to be.” I understand, a little; he’s a kid, and that’s tough. The Mombians win, because they are right, and Jared is wrong, but I still feel for the kid. Shane saddles up to the bar for a heart-to-heart. She tells him that maybe he and Shay can be brothers. Clearly she’s talking about a castle on a cloud, where gay people can get married, adopt brothers from dead-beat Dads, and fix lingering guilt from previously spoiled ruins by re-applying oneself to a new partner.

Welcome to the Holodeck.

Tina is showing Kate her new office, which comes equipped with 12 well-aligned headshots, a pre post-it-ed calendar, and a clothing rack from Carrie Bradshaw’s book-cover shoot. Kate says it’s “swanky” compared to what she’s used to and then Kate asks if Tina has told Jenni. For a brief, fleeting moment, I imagine that Ilene is trusting us to draw our own (inevitably correct) conclusions as to what she is referring, but no, she drops those words in Tina’s mouth. Kate asks why they didn’t do it the other night, and Tina says it’s cuz Bette feels guilty that she fucked up the relationship with Bette to begin with and it was “fucking bloody.”

Kate’s just like, Baby, look, I won’t be on the market for long. This is the finale, bitch!

Best in Show.
Oh, Jane Lynch! Surely she should know better than to represent another one of Lez Girls. I mean, seriously? NOT ONE of them has ever actually brought their case to court! What a waste of time. Not to mention that “I’ve made love to a pregnant woman” thing, which still haunts me in my sleep. Bette introduces her to her newest client, Phyl-do. They shake hands, Phyllis giggles like a schoolgirl: they exchange words re: their abrasive nicknames. This is pretty important, actually, and is related really to society’s discomfort with women in positions of power, but you know, whatever, take Women’s Studies or something. This show isn’t going to teach you anything. Not even how to have sex.

Why Don’t You Send Her a Lemon Tree?
Bette tells Joyce that Tina’s back on their team and Joyce hopes they aren’t back together. I’m starting to, really just cause all the other storylines seem so left-field. I’d pick Jenny/Carmen over this randomness. Phyllis is like “Jodi and Bette were so perfect together,” but she sounds like she’s trying to sell soap or something, not a relationship. “It made my whole room smell like marigolds!” She’s all like, Bette, what are you going to do to get Jodi back? Have you ever seen The Green Mile? Um, okay, Bette, really, you’re going to take advice on what true love is from Phyllis “Alice is the love of my life” Kroll? Where are we? What’s going on here? It’s nice to have Joyce delivering these lines, because she’s all mockumentary, and these are mockumentary lines
! Ooooo, that would be good, eh? Christopher Guest directing The L Word? Then Parker Posey could date Shane, they’d keep Jenny up all night with the clank-clank of their bones against one another.

Phyllis starts talking about being a freshman at Wellesley and the girl she fell in love with. Aw, all-girl’s colleges, like Brooke/Mount Holyoke! I wish the girl was Peggy Peabody. She’s my favorite character, and she’s never on the show.

Max Totes Did a Computer Search to Track This Meeting Down: They’re trying to hold a meeting without telling Sherlock Schecter. Silly monkeys! Jenny busts in and is all like “Lorenzo, what a surprise!” Her hair is in ringlets, she’s wearing fabric best intended for pillow-sham-fringe, she has a small puppy who’s just been groomed: she is Jenny, Jenny in All Her Glory.

Lesbian Squabble #40: Turner and Hooch
In the Ring: Jenny V. Tina
Content/Result:

Tina: “Oh Jenny, we thought that you were uh–”
Jenny: “That I was uh–completely clueless? Someone to fuck with?
Tina: [yeah, kinda?] “No, of course not–”
Jenny: “Someone who didn’t realize what a lying duplicitous scheming excuse you are for a friend? Be careful if you’re doing business with this woman because she actually eats her own.” [like Marilyn Manson?]
Kate: “Actually, Jenny, Tina’s been a really good friend to you, as a matter of fact she’s protected you–”
Jenny:“She just wants to fuck you–she does–she just wants to get in your pants—”
Tina: “Shut the fuck up, Jenny, okay? You’re a cunt! Bette almost lost her job because of you!”

Sorry, Laurel’s delivery of “you’re a cunt” was so lame it hurt. And take it from me because I say “you’re a cunt” or “stop being a cunt” about twenty times a day, which makes me the expert. Except around Haviland, because she thinks it’s a dirty word. So I use “twat,” generally, in her presence. That stuff about food on Angelica’s table was also bad enough the first time, so no transcription necessary.

“Don’t touch my dog–Sounder–sorry–oh God, Tina, can you just cut all your bullshit? Just because you’ve had a baby doesn’t make you more exalted than the rest of us–I am so fucking tired of all these tedious lesbians having babies and all this self-aggrandizing bullshit. Oooo–I’m sorry–” (Sounder pees all over the table)

(Side note: everyone who saw Six Feet Under, remember Claire being like: “Nate, this isn’t the Matrix. The rest of us don’t have babies, we’re real.” God, just thinking about the good writing on that show makes my cunt ache.)

Speaking of lesbians and their babies…..
Bette is cooing at Angelica. Then Jodi calls. He’s like, “Hi, this is Tom [whatever], interpreting for Jodi Lerner?” Like, she’s gonna be like “oh, thanks for specifying, Tom, I was thinking it was that other girl I just went out with that you sometimes freelance for?” He explains they’re in Upstate New York, where the people live amongst the animals and don’t have cell phones or running water. Jodi pretends that she’s in a tent when she’s totes wearing a silk scarf with a goblet, which is the first Awesome thing Jodi has done, besides building that Awesome play structure for Major Magics. Jodi’s like, you got scared, you put me in a box, it was on SNL and very degrading.

Jodi/Tom are fighting in sign language, Tom is all like, give her a break! I love secret languages, it’s kinda awesome. Then Bette is crying. I think Tom can tell, but I’m not sure. She tells Jodi that she misses her and that Angie signed “I love you.” Jodi says “that’s sweet.” Tom!! When Jodi looked the other way, you shoulda been like “Betteshetoteslovesyoutoo!”

When the Actors got the Pages for this Scene, They Were Like “Who’re these other actors in the scene? I’ve never been in a scene with these dudes this season? Is it a new character? Max what? Oh, is Jennifer Beals that girl from Flashdance?
From this distance and on this weight-warping thing we call “television”–Shane totally looks like me! Hat, shoes, pants, jacket, yeah, we’re twins. Where’s Paige? Max, as the resident “dude who does stuff,” has given Bette some bungee cords. Max is going to San Francisco to get his tits cut off. Grace is coming with him, obvs, ’cause she’s an Angel. Max’s not sure if he’s gonna go through with it because “it’s an irreversible decision, you know?” Unlike his personality, of course, which has been completely reversed this season. Also, Max is so smart, yeah? Let’s see a Season-5 Max, tits intact, going by “moira,” being, as Kit said, “the butchest butch ever” or something. Just like, be masculine, shave the soul patch, be a girl, be hot, wear boy briefs, etc.

On the Left, Shane is Sad, on the Right, Max is Sad.
Max stands still, like someone who is wearing a Wal-Mart vest and has to pee really bad but has been told not to move. He wants to go to San Fran so he can get one of the t-shirts the cool girls are always wearing. Like Helena had one in this ep, and Shane wore one to Pride Season 2. God, I know way too much about this show, I gross myself out.

Obviously, Jodi’s never seen “You’re Looking Very Shane Today”
The Hardy Girls are going to steal the most beautiful sign that Jodi Lerner has ever seen. Alice is all ‘Hell No I Won’t Go’ re: Tasha’s going away party, which is to celebrate that “the person that she cares for” is going to fight in a morally bankrupt war. She’d rather stay home and fight the good fight on OurChart, really give back and make a difference. They approach the fence and Alice asks: “Are you sure maybe she wouldn’t just want like, a sports car? I don’t know, like a Cartier diamond would be a lovely gift.” Cute, Al.

Bette: Ok, so, we have the dolly, we have the rope, we have the tool kit, we have the wire cutters, we have steaks.
Alice: Steaks? For lunch?
Shane: That’d be nice.

It’s Called Reverse Psychology, Super Bette!
Bette clips the wires like she’s a wire-cutting expert (rocket science? sign language? Lez Girls?) Alice is like “have you done this before, Bette?” and Bette is like “Nope.” Bette is the fastest learner on the planet. Seriously. I bet she’s really good in bed. I bet she knows what you want before you know you want it. Unfortunately for the Hardy Girls, she doesn’t know that Tina wants to get back in the saddle with her–which they try to talk her into while they’re scaling the fence. Which is funny. Like, “somehow, fighting with Tina about breast pumps seems way easier than this bullshit.” They get attacked by dogs. That’s what the steaks are for. Bette is actually MacGyver. They put Shane on the dolly, it’s so Apple Dumpling Gang.

Shane: Did you guys hear–have you guys ever heard of Value Village?
[I have. It’s a discount store in Ypsilanti, Michigan, where I’ve gotten some of my hottest outfits and some great literature, e.g. “Little Girl Lost” by Drew Barrymore. It was really inspiring, I was like “Hey, I’m 13, where’s my 420?”]
Bette: [“Value? Oh no, I’m not into this value of which you speak. I prefer pretty things.”] Value Village?
Shane: Yeah, it’s that place where you can get that three bedroom house, a dishwasher–
[You had me at “dishwasher.” Is there a toaster, too?]
Alice: And June and Beaver Cleaver as your neighbors, yeah?
Shane: Aside from that snotty remark, you know, the kids can ride their bikes to school and—
Bette: [What a surprise! The door is locked!] Shit.
Shane: You know?
Bette: Fuck.
Alice: [to Shane] Hey, let’s go, fatty, come on–
Shane: [as they push her through a window] Okay-okay-okay!
Bette: Why is she talking about kids and bikes and family and stuff?
Alice: I don’t think that’s Shane. I think that’s a pod-person in Shane’s body pretending to be Shane.

“Are you high? This isn’t realistic–this is fucking insane.”
-Alice

Alice obvs takes a photo of them taking down the sign. Totes blog-worthy. This is nice camera work here. I’ll probably never say it again, so count your blessings, relish the moment, etc. Actually, I’d like to nominate “the sky” for Best Supporting Actress for this scene. The sky was really pretty all the way through.

Kids. I have a confession to make. I think Papi is Fucking Hot. Gorgeous, etc.

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Lesbian Squabble #41: Coupled White Female
In the Ring: Catherine V. Helena (and, sort of, Kit/Papi)
Content/Result: Catherine is afraid that they have a little conflict because there’s a high-stakes poker game that Helena must attend. Helena’s like “it’s my friend’s going away party!” Helena is really going to miss Tasha because they had that one conversation that one time? You know? The one? The only one they had? Ever? Which is why she can’t miss the party? Catherine’s like, “I’m sure your friends will understand that I need you?” This is like, straight out of some kind of pyscho stalker movie, so she loses.

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The Power Puff Girls/Lez Girls
They get all their shit together. “You guys are the best,” Bette tells Shane and Alice. And lesbians across America nod in agreement. Congratulations, you three. Seriously, you’ve risen above some really horrid scripts and maintained your relative artistic integrity. Dream team, etc.

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When I Think Meaningful/Powerful, I Think of Bev and Nina and Jessie and the Gals
Jenny spots Kate right away, because she’s still in that same outfit. Jenny has come to apologize and to offer to work together to create something meaningful/powerful. Enter Merkin: she’s doing a story on Kate for Velvet Park. Holy pay-cut, VaginaWig! What happened to Curve? Still, I heart velvetpark, and I also un-heart the closed-minded assfucks of NYC who don’t stock the magazine–I mean, seriously, I had to buy it at Babeland when Bette/Jenny/IC did the cover. Either you know what that is or you don’t.

Lesbian Squabble #42: I Just Wanna be Jessie’s Girl
In the Ring: Jenny Vs. Stacey/Kate

Jenny: Where’s Lindsay? What happened to Lindsay?
Kate: Who’s Lindsay?
Stacey: Just what I was about to talk to you about– Lindsay was my girlfriend. She was a veterinarian, a sweet, selfless person, and then Jenny came in and destroyed her.
Jenny: [re: Merkin] She–wrote a terrible review of my book–
Stacey: Are you gonna kill that dog too?
Jenny: I didn’t kill a dog.
Kate: You killed a dog?
Jenny: “No I didn’t. The dog was old and the dog was sick.”
Stacey: Lindsay was so incredibly upset when she found out that the dog she put down was not actually Jenny’s dog at all.
Kate: Awww, you’re more twisted than Tina said you are. You’re more twisted than the characters in your book.
Jenny: It was a mistake. It was a very bad mistake.
Kate: Do you just prey on people whose lives are already falling apart, or do you actually take a more aggressive role in creating their grief and–their destruction?
Stacey: That’s such a good question–I mean, in Jenny’s world, does art imitate life, or does life imitate art? When I think about that poor girl, that’s based for the character Karina?
Jenny: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Marina was a viper.
Kate: No, actually I heard she was a really nice girl until she met you and then her life fell apart–
Jenny: That’s not true. You should not listen to anything Merkin says.
Kate: No, Stacey didn’t tell me.
Jenny: What? Who told you that?
Kate: It was Elise. No, it was Sean. Sean told me. Oh, it was Tina. Was it Nina?
[Jenny gives appropriate WTF look.]
Kate: You know I can’t wait to tell you what I’m going to do with the character of Jessie in my adaptation of Lez Girls?

Who wins? Well, I guess Kate/Stacey win…but like, c’mon. Marina was a viper. And what happened to Lindsay, for real? This shit’s wack.

Cause She’s Leaving on a Jet Plane, Won’t Be Back Til Next January, Oh, These Late Nights Writing Recaps, I’ll Hate to See You Go
Bette is packing to go somewhere. She has a lot of stuff. I wonder what it is? Tina is helping her plan out her vay-cay. Tina’s such a sport. Then Phyllis comes and says Joyce won’t take her case. Bette and Tina are like “huh?” Conflict of interest. Wink wink. I bet Hazel will “conflict” your “interest.” I have a conflict of interest: part of me loves this show, and part of me thinks it’s bad.

These Friends of Mine
These two are a match made in heaven. They should start their own show. It could be a sitcom. Seriously, it would be a really good sitcom. I love how Joyce is all crass about what a sexy boss Phyllis is and they go off on a garden tour. Also, Phyllis is totes wearing sneakers with a business suit, which is brilliant. I mean, she’s a lesbian now, right, so fuck the high heels! Then Tibette all totally agree like “that’s surreal.” I love them again.

Did anyone else get turned on by this conversation?

Tina: And remember–“I totally defer to you.” When she asks if whether you plan on hanging out while she’s working?
Bette: I totally defer to you.
Tina: When she wants to join you for dinner?
Bette: I yield to your wishes.
Tina: And when she equivocates about whether it’s a good idea for you to sleep together tomorrow night?
Bette: I bow to your superior judgment.

I did this once with someone. Role-playing? Like, “let’s practice your convo with the cute boy tomorrow?” And she was like “Hey, I’m heading out, can I get you anything?” and I was like “Yeah, a blow job” and then we had sex.

“Please, please, please, let me get what I want. Let me get what I want, this time.”
-The Smiths
“No.”
-IC

Is it Alright, for me to feel this way put your head in my lap, the world will go away yeah yeah you can go there, you can go anywhere, you can go there….yeah…is it alright?
This would be a really good ad for those Venus razors, because that Venus song in their ad right now is totes annoying. It’d also be a good ad for whatever toothbrush Shane is using, because she likes it so much, she brushes her teeth for five hours straight, even later while she browses the classifieds in the newspaper. (Topless!) Um, hello craigslist?

Paige thinks they’re alone now. How great is that, she asks? Shane wants to talk about getting a house together. That’ll show Carmen. Oh wait…if they get a house together, then she can’t be with Carmen. I guess we should thank God for small blessings, like that Shane is topless during this scene.

It’s time for a History Lesson.
I’m not talking about 50s housewivery–we all know about that (rent Far From Heaven, Pleasantville, that Jim Carrey movie, Back to the Future II to further reflect on our contemporary obsession with the 50s suburban lifestyle). I’m talking about Young Americans, the short-lived 2000 television show that brought Oz and Slicey (the curators of The L word Online, where you are likely reading this) together (YA Convention…read all about it here). I remember the show distinctly: not because I ever watched it (I honestly did not own a television that year), but because I was flipping channels one day (probably at Mom’s, as I did not have a TV) and came across this boy I was totally drawn to. I kept watching and thinking, “God, this boy is so cute, why do I love him so much?” and then…well, yeah, it turns out it was a girl. Played by Kate Moennig. And I cannot watch this scene without thinking about Jake, and how it’s kinda creepy that Kate hasn’t like, aged? Like, at all? Okay. Moving on.

Shane is totally reneging on that no-ties thing again. Why does she have trouble tightening it? She wears a tie every day, even with wifebeaters! Also, Shane: there’s this thing? Called a “tailor”?

Here we have it. The last Lesbian Sex Moment of the season:

Lesbian Sex Moment #21: Little Boxes, Little Boxes, Little Boxes Made of Pussy
The Players: Mr and Mrs. McCutcheon
The Pick-Up: You know, I don’t think it’s off–”
Hot or Not?: Cutting from Shane and Paige fucking to a shot of Shay doing an Opie-grin? Not hot. Two hot girls fucking? Hot. Paige and Shane both have good orgasm faces, good chemistry, etc. I think it’s hot by default. Although while we were watching it the first time, I was like, groaning (the bad kind of groan) and cracking up, I loved it sorta this time around. But maybe I just told myself that, to motivate myself to create that montage. HOT HOT, if you cut out Shane’s 50s part.

Since we’re doing this whole fantasy-psuedo-real-sex-scene thing, could they maybe uh–you know like–um, do it? Dana comes back from the dead. I’m attempting to re-cap this scene to capture my Joy, re: Dana’s return, the cute-ness of their emotional interaction, the resonancy of the dialogue, and then Dana busts out with:

“So, what are you saying? That you wish you’d never met me? That because I had to leave and that was hard for you, that you wish I’d never existed in the first place? Would that be easier? Look, Alice—I don’t think it’s any less tragic to lose someone to a misunderstanding than it is to lose someone to a goddamn heart attack.”

UM. WOAH. HOLD THE FUCK UP. Seriously. Okay. Here we are. Here we are at the crossroads. Ugh!!!!! LOSING SOMEONE TO A G-DDAMN HEART ATTACK IS MUCH WORSE. I want to be nice because it’s almost time for Riese-Writer/Haviland-Star Campaign ’08, but could you (you=the writing team) possibly push my buttons any more than this? No. No you couldn’t. God. Ugh. UGH.

Okay. Moving on….

Dana’s like, “I wanna see you in that fucking party dress.” Alice is like: “You really curse a lot more now.” Yeah, we all do, Alice. We all do.

Yay Dana! Yay Ghosts! Nice sweater. Seriously, I want it, like, now.

Here is One of Many Friendships That Could’ve Been Given More Air Time This Season
Jenny’s had a hard day. Shane says, Jenny, I don’t judge you. They hug. We dream.

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The Lyrical Irony is Killing Me: “How Long? How much more long, how long?”

Papi tells Tasha that if she dies, she’ll fucking kill her. Get it? Tasha is a woman of few words. So they just like, walk and stuff.

Toshi looks at them like, “girls, y’all are fucked.”

Talk About An Offer You Can’t Refuse.
Catherine asks if Helena thinks Paige and Shane will last and asks if she wants to wager on it. Helena knows Shane’s track record. Break the cycle! Helena, in her Mother Hubbard sweater, is like, hold up, um, Catherine is an evil monster.

Catherine: If they’re not still together six months from now, I’ll write you a check for a million dollars.
Helena: And if they’re still together?
Catherine: If I win, you get to be my servant and sex slave for the next year.

We all know Paige isn’t coming back next season. Yeah Helena! Who wants to be a millionaire, baby?!! Obviously they had this wager, earlier, too.

3’9/3’11: Kate and Tina are seeing who’s fingers are longer. Then Tina’s phone rings, and it’s Bette. Bette’s like, what should I say to Jodi, so Tina, never one for reading-between-the-lines, tells Bette how SHE feels. Kate is like, right, I’m so not getting laid tonight.

Helena steals the money. Then she’s going to take Shay to Mexico. And start a rock n roll band. The show is almost over! Wheeeee!

Jenny is going out on a raft with Sounder. She’s so funny, dragging it out there in her little outfit and her shoes and shit. She says: “Thanks for stickin’ by me, Sounder,” yeah for what, like a day?

Alice must have read the same Cosmo article I did, about how you should face your fears and conquer them and stuff. Cos she’s out there for Tasha. That’s nice, I hope they stay together, yay, etc. Love this show, etc. Hate it too, etc. Hi Alice, xo.

Kit’s like, in a DARE ad or something. “We’re just hanging out and having a good time.” And we don’t need beer to do that! We can have fun WITHOUT alcohol! Shane sees Sounder on the beach, and is all like, “Are you bored? Where’s your mother? Where’s Jenny?”

I totally wasn’t paying attention anymore at this point. I woke up from my boredom-induced fog like, what is going on? Is this a water safety video? Isn’t she bored? I totes woulda brought a book. Also, I’m like, who ate all the carrots and hummus? I want more carrots? Is there any more wine?

She’ll find her way home, that Jenny. She will. Of course she will. What would we do without her? We love her. I love her.

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I think this episode was directed by like, whoever it is that makes postcards. It’s like Sky-Overload. Like, Woah! The sky sure is pretty! Oh, P.S., so Bette is on a tractor because Jodi is being all Christo-y out in the field, dictating to Tom how to make her art. This is really gonna change things. All the dudes out there are homos, and they’re in flannel. Jodi is like, “What should I hang here?” I don’t know, Jodi! What SHOULD you hang there?

All together now, kids:
REALLY PAPI?
REALLY?

So, this song is pretty kickass. Pink’s super. But um, WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ALL THESE LOVE SONGS? WHAT THE FRICKIN’ FRACK??!!! Oh God. I love this terrible show, which is sitting before me like a dead goldfish.

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