This recap was originally published on Riese’s personal L Word recap blog, The Road Best Straddled, in 2007. It has been reposted on Autostraddle.com in all its messy, outdated, poorly formatted glory, and many of the images from it may be totally missing! Whee!

Some kind of wonderful anonymous has just informed me that The L Word‘s Season Five promo has dropped. It has now Landed in my Lap, as one might say, if one preferred L words. Normally, I wouldn’t click to it immediately and then recap it within 10 minutes of viewing, but I’m … hm. No excuses. I’m just Lame. The L word is “Lame.” Not lame with an accent on the “e” [which I clearly don’t know how to do on blogger anyhow], like “Alice’s gold lame dress,” but lame without an accent, like “wearing Haviland’s red sweatpants, skin sallow from lack of sunlight, eating yogurt with Kashi, writing the same book I said I was gonna write 18 months ago and reading notes from junior high to assist me in the writing process” Lame. “Just shared that with you” Lame.

I love this show. I’m attracted to it like I’m attracted to frappuccinos. I know there’s nothing redeeming in there, but I do love the sugary syrup. I can’t wait for Season Five! It looks delicious! SERIOUSLY/SRSLY!

Though there’s not a single bone in my smokin’ hot body that isn’t dreading the fifth season and its corresponding upcoming winter of Manic Mondays, I’ve gotta say, this promo did ignite visceral reactions from most of my central nervous system, including goosebumps, watering of the eyes, and a little tingle in my spine. Or somewhere. Wherever tingles originate from for people who still have relatively normal emotional reactions to the world around them. If you’re one of those people, feel free to share your feelings with me, I’m curious what it feels like for a girl …

Seriously, You Had Ten Months To Take Care of That Facial Hair Disaster. Why. Why?!!

Sorry, I just needed to get that out there ASAP.

Anyhow, we all know that foreplay’s what this show does best. Like a twatilicious lover, The L Word relishes in getting us all riled up and subsequently leaving us alone and naked on the couch with a lukewarm Dos Equis and tears in our eyes. “High and dry” I believe it’s called. Also, sidenote, I just accidentally watched this advertisement for Unforgivable Woman, the new fragrance from Sean John, and also my nickname for IC, and it was gross and weird, and made me feel gross. Let me watch this promo again.

Is YouTube international? Like, if you live in the UK or Australia or something, can you watch the same things on YouTube that Americans can? Yes, right? I got confused during the South of Nowhere thing.

Anyhow, what was I talking about? Right. The L Word, my old friend. Um: I love this show, it’s the best show on television. I mean, worst, but also, BEST.

And, re: this show, I wanna put this out there on the first date for y’all: I like to live in a SPOILER FREE WORLD, so don’t gimme any spoilers, I’ll get cranky. Anyone who gives me a spoiler is going straight to hell. I’m serious. I know people who know people/People. I’m scared that I’ll already spoil the show for myself by watching promos. “Ruin the show.” I’ve gotta save some for December, when I’m stuck in Michigan. Actually, that might happen sooner rather than later. I’m over this town.

I believe Ani DiFranco once said [yes, I am totally about to quote Ani DiFranco, because, well, any of you who’ve been following this blog or auto-win in the off-season are aware I’ve got very little left to “lose” in terms of general overall Lame-i-tude, so to speak, so why not just like, totes quote Ani DiFranco from memory? Awesome]: “I just want you to live up to the image of you I create, I see you and I’m so unsatisfied, I see you and I dilate.” Simmer on that.

Look Me In the Eyes And Tell Me You Don’t Find Me Attractive, Even Though I’m Crazy, It’s Like, Fun Crazy Right?

Jenny’s hanging out with this Random Hot Girl in a fantasy land where all the girls wear white bikinis. Maybe it’s the White Party. But Jenny’s not wearing white. Back to theory number one: fantasy land. Otherwise known as TeeVee. OO! Maybe it’s heaven, because Jenny was in that Suicide Raft at the end of the season. Anyhow she asks ‘Do you wanna be in my movie?’ and the girl’s like “more than anything.” I hope Jenny’s next line is: “Eat me.” Or something. Or like something good. I dunno. I shouldn’t have to come up with these lines, clearly I haven’t been invited to join the writing staff of this show. YET.

I Miss You Now, I Guess Like I Shoulda Missed You Then

Tina asks Bette: “Are you in love with Jodi?” Dude, a woman doesn’t drive a tractor out into a field with a big sign on her tractor unless she loves her. Or whatever it was that happened during the finale. Wow, I was really drunk that night. Eight Reasons Why hoo-ha-bla-di-bla. Team Bettina, totes.

Encircle Me, I Need To Be Taken Down

I don’t know what Helena’s going to prison for — oh wait. I do. Stealing money from that skinny lady in the purple suits who stuck all that money up Helena’s vagina, probs giving her SARS, Herpes, and anthrax all at once. Whatever. I love it when hot lesbians go to prison. It’s just like in my favorite movie, well, I saw it on the internet … nm.

And I Would Go to Jail With Only Boys Just to Prove I Was as Tough As You

I love that they wear boyshorts and wifebeaters in prison. Honestly, I love that. Go prison. Makes me want to go rob someone just so I can hang out there. Actually, if I was going to pick a crime, it’d be a more fun one, like drugs or protesting something or being Robin Hood or Winona Ryder.

Tell Me What To
Do and Baby, I Will Listen

I, personally, think Alice deserves a little more sunshine in her life. She’s sad ’cause her baby’s left on a jet plane and gone to war in Iraq. Probs by the time Season 5 starts, this’ll be totes outdated because Bush will have pulled out the troops. Ha ha! Also, this show is going to have a sex scene every five minutes, and um, gay marriage is legal, and Rosie is on The View again, and hell just froze over, releasing all the people who give spoilers. [I’ve not actually received any spoilers, I’m just practicing disaster prepardness.]

Say So, You Want To

Either Alice gets bangs, or that’s not Alice. I hope Alice gets bangs. Or that could just be a bad shot. That’s Alice’s house, right? I love Alice. I met Leisha Hailey, she was beautiful.

When Manguses Attack

This is what happens if you reject Papi, because she’s hard core.

No, You Haven’t Missed a Thing

This boy is cute. Yeah? He’s cute. That’s Max there next to cutie. His head’s turned so you can’t see that chin thing. That’s nice. I hope nice things happen for him this season. What am I talking about? This show is weird.

A Verse Chorus And Such

That’s like, one of five girls that Shane interacts with in the promo. Also, I feel like they’re trying to trick us into thinking that Shane’s gonna have a convo with Paige, there’s some clever camerawork going on in this promo in many places. Or clever editing rather. Shane also asks these two girls “who’s first?” and they’re both very hot, there’s a lot of potential there, like with Cherie Jaffee getting the haircut. I let Haviland cut off all my hair, like, all of it.

This is nice, old people deserve love, and actresses over 45 deserve jobs. I’m serious about both of those things. Love these women. Cybill Shepard: Thumbs Up. Christy Cummings? I mean, Jane Lynch? Also, thumbs up. Way to go. Also, you know what’s even better, but in a way that feels less smart?

I’m home now and coming around, Coming Around
That girl’s totally still wearing her heels?!!! What is this, porn? I hope so.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!