This L Word recap was originally published on The Road Best Straddled in 2008, before the Autostraddle YOU know and love got invented! It has been republished here for your viewing delight.

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This week’s viewing party was attended by Natalie, Cait, Alex and — obvs — memememe. As you can see in the above photo, Natalie felt so inspired by Jodi’s Moroccon Feast Outfit that she made her own, using only bedsheets and a decorative pillow. P.S., Vote Riese for Lesbian Blog of the Year — it might come down to just a few votes, so every vote counts –whomever it’s for. Takes like two seconds. You won’t regret it.

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Firstly, I’d like to make a little statement about corrections in general. I heart corrections! (I also heart the novel The Corrections, FYI, read it, reading is good for you.) Since graduating college in ’03, I’ve been an eager student of “The School of Life”: reading books, making out, developing serious relationships with stuffed animals, perusing photo spreads in Teen Vogue, watching paint dry and writing about myself. But — I’ve still got lots to learn. I knew how to read before I started kindergarten (I realised early that I liked books better than humans) and this had a domino effect by which my inherent writing/reading abilities repeatedly placed me out of most basic skills courses. So somehow I managed to graduate with English/Writing degrees from boarding school and University w/o a lot of apparently important knowledge. E.g., I don’t know how to spell or how to properly use “its/it’s” and “that”/”which.” I recently was told about a message board post that cited my inability to spell Katherine Moennig’s name correctly (true — and fair) — I think I wing it every time — but you can totally yell at me about it. For most of Season Four, I used “Jodi” or “Jody” interchangeably. I still haven’t picked a spelling for “Pisecki.” I have no idea why I haven’t just learned this accessible information and applied it. But I’m actively trying to improve.

So — this I ask of you, dear reader: if I do something that makes your eyes bleed, please do let me know. I created this section for three reasons:

1. To spin comedy stylings,
2. To ensure that y’all know I’m interested in being corrected. I’m pretty humble, and the first one to step up and admit I don’t always do a good job. Constructively criticize me, and the whole world sings.
3. That being said, it’s RIESE not REISE. “I” before “e” except after “c” or when pronounced “eh” as in “neighbour” or “their.” Or whatever. Moving on …

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Corrections/Questions

1. Mt. Sianai, not Mt.Ararat … I didn’t glare closely enough at Vicky’s (joking) correction of my joke, or I would’ve seen that. That being said, Vicky, clearly not paying attention in Jesus Cult Class, tsk tsk.
2. Some of the advance screener DVDs don’t have subtitles ’cause they aren’t finished yet. I think.
3. Lena’s Riese Awards were brill. That’s not a correction, I just wanted to say.

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The Nikki Stevens Chronicles: Behold! My thought process: Is that Adele? Is she Robocop? Hot boots! Nice ass! It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s … super-Grover! Is she in the Flashdance welding factory? Oh, she’s in a movie. Maybe Adele’s actually a Jedi Spy? Oh, it’s Nikki, this must be her new movie. Is she about to ride Star Tours? Is this The Matrix? I don’t like action movies, that’s why I’m watching “The L Word” instead of JAG, which may or may not be an actual show. Nikki’s doing her own stunts, like Kermit the Frog!

Cait: Is it Adele? Is it Adele? It’s Adele! Riese, tell me if it’s Adele!
Riese: Maybe I haven’t already seen this scene, I’m not telling.
Alex: It reminds me of Goldeneye. For Nintendo 64.

She’s The Next Tara Reid!: Nikki’s watching a screener of her new action-adventure flick (it looks generic/boring) with her agent and her manager. They’re freaking out: It’s a winner! Nikki’s got star power! 12 mil a picture from now on! Clearly Nikki’s multi-talented. She can remove clothing, kick dudes in the face and make out with other actors — approximately the same set of skills required for a Bud Light commercial. The manager adds that Nikki’s gonna be on the cover of Stuff Magazine. Stuff, FYI, is a classy rag for men who enjoy touching fake breasts, eating chili dogs, scratching their gonads and watching Monday Night Football. In other words, Lez Girls target audience. Whaaaa?! Here’s an example of a Stuff covergirl:

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Also just quickly, gotta get this off my chest: girls in tight dresses who drag in moustaches? I don’t get that. Girls with moustaches and girls in tight dresses are practically mutually exclusive categories, you know? I’ve got nothing against either category. I loved Ivan.

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Ob-li-di-Ob-la-DA! Life Goes on, SportsBra!: In lieu of women, Shane and Jodi have mounted bicycles and are taking a serious ride. Exhausted from the three foot journey ’round the bend of this set, they take a break on a park bench. Shane’s wearing a Free City shirt and suddenly knows sign language. I guess she’s always been good with her hands. Bedum- BUM! They’re doing a bike ride for breast cancer.

I’m More of a Mac ‘n Cheese Girl Myself: Shane likes Molly, also, Shane’s been with tons of straight girls and knows their game. Jodi suggests that Molly could be a “spaghetti girl”: “straight until wet.” That’s “cute.” I thought it meant “girl who likes spaghetti.” Shane says she likes that Molly’s got a boyfriend. I think this is the first time Shane’s admitted that she likes the challenge of a straight girl. She’s probably bored since Wax burned down and Shay got sucked into the vortex. Shane thinks she should take Molly to the theater, though she hates it. How can she just universally hate the theater? That’s like how I universally hate television, except stupider. Jodi says she could have a dinner party, Shane could invite Molly! Dinner parties on The L Word are always loads of fun for everyone, good call.

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The Lavender Marriage: Nikki’s agent, Kevin, is pissed that everyone thinks Nikki is a lez girl, ’cause that means she’s risking losing her teenage male fans who exist in delusional universes where they believe that famous girls might sleep with their penises. Tina & Kevin come up with a solution — Nikki must be photographed at her movie premiere with a hunky fuckable man. This is a revolutionary idea, stop the presses, Kevin & Tina’ll probs win a Nobel Prize for Excellence in Public Relations. WTF?

I Vote Zach Efron: Tim enters the trailer and is immediately selected by Team Het as Nikki’s date. “I’d fuck him,” Kevin offers, which is awesome, the ass-fucking image is even better than the image of clothed & clandestine Tim and Kevin. We’re in Season Five and still the producers of this show have almost no clue whatsoever what women find attractive. I liked Eric Mabius though, and Mark. I mean, sorry. Where’s Papi? Where’s Papi’s bike ride?!!??

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The Army: Still Cheaper Than Crunch: We take a brief moment to tour the Army’s gym, where the leaders of tomorrow are training to tackle the problems of today. Here, Tasha the Gay is disturbed that her desired punching bag is being used by a mysterious figure in a hooded sweatshirt. I don’t know how they filmed this without cracking up, it’s quite fundamentally ridiculous. Tasha asks the unabomber if she’s done and she turns around and … ZOMG!
JK. It’s Sgt. Bilko/Davis. Surprised? Me neither!

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L’Elements of Style: All About Adele, Jenny, and a mystery woman in an outer space explorer outfit are touring the outdoor wardrobe closet. Jenny questions Jesse’s high-fashion duds, but Captain Planet says Nikki insisted on it after she saw Karina’s outfits. Adele, still pursuing her embodiment of Jenny’s personality, is enacting her own version of The Schecter Fashion Evolution. Right now she’s at “Stage 1: Doilies.” Jenny, btw, found her dress on the Golden Girls set.

Riese: The costume designer looks like she’s from Star Tours.
Cait: I know, she’s like — “fast pass?” This way —

Jenny’s cooing over a Karina costume when Tina interrupts with breaking news. But Jenny can’t be bothered, she’s having a moment:

Jenny Moment #1:

Jenny: “There she is! [looks at dress] HELLO! I love it! I love it love it love it! I think that this purple — [to Adele] Isn’t this purple fabulous? It’s amazing, it is. You know what I think? I think that this should be Karina’s color. And I sort of — I see her with this gold choker that’s sort of up the neck like that and it’s like, the snake is intertwined–” [makes snake-like neckhole gestures]
Tina: “NOW, Jenny. I need to talk to you right now.”
Jenny: “YOU need to hang on, I’m not done with my meeting. [to Captain Planet] I also see her with a fresh gardenia in her hair so she just walks into the room and she’s just like WAFTING femininity–”
Tina: “This is important.”
Jenny: [to Tina] “Okay. Okay.” [Whispers as she leaves:] “Mom’s calling.”

Review the Press And Tell It Like It is: Tina’s talking REALLY WEIRD again — that chin-dimple thing, like she just got her tonsils out or had some work done. Tina tells Jenny that Nikki’s managers are upset about the oil wrestling debacle and subsequent Tabloid Outing. Jenny says, all blase: “It’s terrible,” but Tina corrects her: “No, it’s fucking awful.” This scene feels improvised. A writer who writes words would know that “awful” and “terrible” are synonyms, not contradictory terms. Tina says they’re threatening to pull Nikki from the movie unless she takes a “girls-creaming-in-their-jeans-American-hunk-actor-boy” to the Liquid Heat premiere. Jenny doesn’t believe her. Me neither, did Tina just say that? I feel itchy?

Riese: Is Tina pregnant? She’s got that shirt-skirt thing going on.
Cait: No it’s the style. The mirrors on the collar–
Riese: That’s good, you know, if you think you’ve got something stuck on your teeth–
Cait: You can just like, check it out.

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Curled on the Floor Hiding Away From it All: Jenny busts into Nikki’s trailer, where Nikki’s crying like Angela Chase. This scene is important because Nikki’s crossing the line from human girl to Critter. Look at her little shiny tan thighs and her sweater! She’s so huggable/fuckable!

Jenny’s upset that Nikki’s taking the “midget” to the premiere, then Jenny’s feelings are interrupted by the agent busting out of the trailer’s toilet. Seriously, Nikki should’ve given her a heads-up on that. Awkward.

Jenny Moment #2: “Well you know what, Kevin? I don’t really care what you and your fucking purple tie think about my whereabouts, okay? What the fuck do you think this is, 1952, where you can give her a beard so you can pretend she’s straight? You should be ashamed of yourself.”

[Kevin is the new “Dana Fairbanks’ agent.”]

The Blow: Jenny refuses to continue speaking ’til he removes the snot from his nose, which’s “distracting from the seriousness of their conversation.” (This feels kind of improvised. You guys, Mia is carrying this show … we’re for real LOL’ing.) Then, Jenny sits next to her damsel in distress, and busts out with additional Jennyness–

Jenny Moment #3: “You don’t have to listen to what he says. He’s not even a human being. He’s an agent.”
(!!!!)

Kevin asks Jenny to cover her hickey, you dirty whore. I was wondering what that was, it looked like the mark of the beast. Jenny, Fashion Expert, requests that Kevin change his fucking tie! (Which’s not that bad, she should see the Macaroni Grill during holiday season.) Still, Jenny’s performance in this scene is ace. Nikki is hot and also a child, but I think Jenny might kinda love her. Maybe she just wants to hug/hold her like the little critter that she is. I know we do!

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Porky’s 3: Lesbian Army Style: Let’s break stereotypes. Like the one about lesbians being dangerous to the military (or any same-sex environment) ’cause they can’t stop oogling each other in the proverbial locker rooms. Okey dokey, here we are in the army locker room, where hot girls walk around naked. I can just imagine the directing on this scene: “Yes, now look at her, look at her like you WANT her but don’t know what to do with your sapphic desires, yes, yes, show me why is the measure of love loss! Show it to me!” The point of this scene is that Bilko is a capital-D DYKE.

Riese: Also — is this the army?
Cait: ‘Cause I’m signing up —
Natalie: This is like a scene from Sixteen Candles.

Lesbian Sexy Moment #23: Gay for Play

The Players: Shane and Cammie

The Pick Up: Cammie, looking to improve her acting skills, saunters into the hairstyling area and annonces to Shane: “I wanna get really drunk and then I want you to have sex with me.” Those words are magic to my ears.

Hot or Not?: This scene’s melting with unrealized hotness potential. Shane’s like, “Remember, you’re just gay for pay” — and consoles the emo straight girl who, in this case, cries that Jenny hates her and she sucks at the part and doesn’t Shane think she’s beautiful? It’s unclear where Shane stand on all this but before much more happens, Begonia interrupts.  Shane’s cute & embarrassed and says she’s gotta talk to Begonia before she gets accused of being unprofessional (silly Shane, TLW never FOLLOWS UP on things like this), I hope Shane catches her before she goes to that toga party she’s apparently dressed for:

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BAM!: Jodi’s preparing a Moroccan feast 24 hours ahead of time. Better get those vegetables chopped before nightfall! Bette’s gotten ahold of Jodi’s crimper and gone wild. Jodi gives Bette the guest list: Amy & girlfriend, Shane & Molly, Tina & Sam. Bette’s heart drops into her stomach and then explodes: “Tina and Sam aren’t a couple.” Then she starts a little fight about nothing …

Lesbian Squabble #22: It’s a Silly Time To Learn To Swim When You Start to Drown

In the Ring: Bette vs. Jodi

Content: Bette asks Jodi if it occurred to her to ask her first before inviting Tina. Jodi’s like, “No.” OK: Did you die when Bette did that little “and SO!” lip purse at the end of her monologue about the way that we live? (“I think it’s — um — just this whole ex girlfriends becoming best friends thing, it’s me and my ex and you and your ex, it’s really my idea of some kind of nightmare lesbian dinner party. SO.”) ‘Cause we did. And when Jodi responds with, “then don’t come,” well. Auto-win! That’s also the moment when Bette realizes, once and for all, that she’s met her match — Jodi won’t put up with Bette’s B.S. or even ask why, exactly, Bette’s acting so weird about Tina.

Who Wins: Jodi, ’cause when Bette retreats and asks if she wants help, Jodi gives her an onion and a knife. “You’re bad,” Bette teases. Not bad enough. If she was b-b-b-b-bad to the bone, she’d cheat on you too.

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[Tasha is getting dressed for The Big Day, “What’s Goin’ On” plays.]

One Angry Woman: We’re going to the courthouse and we’re gonna get called to testify! Hot damn, the weather in L.A. is always AMAZING in this show. Has it ever rained? It’s always like, perfect and sunny. I feel like we’re on the set of Barney & Friends.

Is that a bayonet in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Beech: I vote Beech for Nikki’s premiere date. Also: Liquid Heat? That sounds like a kind of flavored condom. Beech says that Tasha’s a great soldier and there’s no way anyone can question her dedication to military service. Davis counters that the army has rules and that Tasha’s a homo. Smoky the Bear says only you can fight forest fires. I just took a second shower of the day for no reason. This episode felt short and like nothing happened, but also long and like big stuff happened.

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The Planet, apparently, is OPEN FOR BUSINESS! And Kit is ON!

Kit: “Oh well check out this shit. UH-HUH. Yeah! What the fuck am I gonna do with those she-bitches?! Man …”
Shane: “You got them closed down, what else do you want?”
Kit: “Yeah but they’re gonna open back up and when they do guess what, everyone’s gonna wanna go over there and get a look at Nikki Stevens and her greasy ass.”

Like Steel in my Palm: Shane suggests that Kit “pull a Tony Soprano and get ’em waxed.” See, this’s how that gun storyline is gonna tie in to the rest of it … final episode: Adele-Kit-Shebitches SHOOTOUT. When the smoke clears, the set’ll go dark and then, just when we think it’s over, we’ll hear the hummin’ of a womyn singer-songwriter like Joan Armatrading or Marriane Faithful — and then, from an unseen dark corner — BANG! — it’s Papi ‘a blazin’, popping Dawn Denbo in the head and riding Lover Cindi all the way home. THE END. Oh! Right. Then Paris Hilton and Helena will emerge from dark corner #2, naked as the day they were born, like Adam and Eve in the garden if Adam was a lesbian girl.

Lesbian Squabble #23: They Seem So Very Tough, They Seem So Very Scared Of Us

In the Ring: Phyllis vs. Molly the Spaghetti Girl

Content: Molly doesn’t think the world needs more lawyers and she doesn’t want to have 2.5 kids and a dog, which I fully support but Phyllis does NOT. Phyllis’s sweet on Molly’s boyfriend Richard who worships the ground she walks on. “Which is BORING!” Molly exclaims, before revealing that she’s dumped his sorry ass. She continues: “He’s learning to golf Mom. Golf. He’s got medication for early onset baldness. Don’t you see how depressing that is?” I do. Also: Richard doesn’t already know how to golf? (Richard: You. Me. Putt-Putt. IT’S ON!) Phyllis says Molly can’t drop out of school, she’ll become a gross person like Shane, who’s in a (whisper) service profession. Molly’s like “wtf?” and Phyllis is like: “She’s a hairdresser!”

OK, well, I don’t know, it seems to me like Shane works about three hours a week, hooks up with a lot of hot chicks, lives in a nice West Hollywood apartment, goes out with her friends every night and wears $150 dollar t-shirts. I’d say whatever it is she’s got going on, I’ll take it. She could probs read more, perhaps open her mind to the theater, but um … at least she’s not thousands of dollars in debt from a Ph.D and still unemployable like most of my friends. Molly says Phyllis is elitist: true. Also, Phyllis has now made a serious error by telling Molly she doesn’t like Shane, that’s Mom-speak for “Go fuck Shane ’til you forget who I am.” Her mother even seals the coffin with: “thank G-d you’re not a lesbian.” Molly knows what she must do. Girls! Ob-li-di-ob-la-da! Take off your bra!

Who Wins? Molly, cause she’s gonna do it with Shane bow chicka bowwww.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Phyllis: “Where are you going?”
Molly: “To go gay for Shane. We’re going to adopt Chinese babies and live in a trailer park.”

And I Won’t Take Any Other Call: Molly approaches Shane, who apparently hasn’t noticed Molly in The Planet this entire time, which actually isn’t hard to believe, she’s in the service industry after all. I’d be happy to serve under her … “Oh, you’re alive!” Shane says sarcastically, referencing Molly’s inability to make a phone call. Molly says she believes Shane called her and Shane — after doing her 400th coke-nose sniff of the season, says: “Look, I might’ve called you, but it was a long time ago, so you know, Alzheimer’s kicked in at some point.” If Molly wants to see her tonight, she’s gotta call, call, call. I love how Shane’s always on her way somewhere but never says where, she just exits. She’s going to Shane-ville. Her pick-up truck.

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We Were Soldiers: An almost-foxy little army chick is testifying that Tasha was a good commander: “a fair and honest leader.” Tasha looks happy for a second, honestly warmed by this positive evaluation, and subsequently by Martinez’s assertion that she doesn’t think Tasha’s a homo. Martinez likes Tasha so much that she’d be willing to “serve under her at any time.” Objection your honor, she obviously wants to go down on Tasha, let’s get naked.

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Just Look at the State of You: Bette’s doing this thing now where she acts super immature for about two lines — pissed that Tina’s bringing Sam to this dinner party, though it makes total sense that Tina assumed the invite came from JoBette, not just Bette, still pissed when Tina points out that Bette’s the one with a girlfriend — — and then changes her tune to “mature Bette.” Mature Bette thinks they need “clarity.” Bette, teary, asks: “What were we, some fling?” Of course not, you’re in love, go find Angelica! Anyhow, Tina doesn’t want to break up JoBette. Bette asks “What if I want that?” and Tina asks “Do you?”

[pause]

Make No Sudden Movements And No-One Will Get Hurt: Bette dodges the question: she just doesn’t like who she’s becoming, her behavior’s not a good example for Angelica. Good thing Angelica is never around, then. I bet they’ve hidden her in a manger somewhere while Bette gets her shit together, so Angelica’s not witnessing any behavior besides the inside of her eyelids and possibly the soft music of a contemporary-art-mobile over her shoebox. That’s it, convo over. Why? I don’t know, ask Ilene.

Riese: Bilko needs a haircut.
Cait: No, she likes it.
Riese: It’s like — WHOOSH!
Cait: It’s aerodynamic.

Have You Ever Thought About Any Real Freedoms? Freedom from the Opinion Of Others, Even From the Opinion of Yourself? It’s becoming abundantly clear that Davis’s in the closet and hasn’t gotten any pussy since 1992 and wants to punish everyone else who she suspects is getting some — she’s prepared to unleash a can of asshole, Ted Haggard style. Davis asks if Martinez felt uncomfortable when Tasha put her arm around her. Beech objects to this, and it’s overruled — that would never happen on Law & Order. Tasha seems very Zen, seriously. Martinez cracks under pressure and admits everyone thought Tasha was a big ‘ol Lez and she felt poisoned by the arm-reach-around. Really Papi? Have you SEEN Tasha? I don’t think she needs to waste her time with randomized straight girls like you.

I Can’t Untangle What I Feel And What Would Matter Most: Look at how cute Alice got her hair did for the big day. Tasha — resigned to losing, it’d seem — apologizes that Alice got roped into this. Martinez folded, and it seems like it’s kinda all hitting Tasha at once — that she could lose, that it might not even be worth it after all. Sgt. Douchebag, so self-righteous she may as well get her own OurChart Blog — says they’re out of time, so Alice will have to come back tomorrow. What if she has shit to do tomorrow? Seriously, podcasts don’t just make themselves, and Max and Papi are playing with Angelica and the Manny with Julio down by the schoolyard.

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Relief Next to Me: OMG it’s the big premiere of Liquid Heat! Nikki’s arrived with the midget. Jenny’s arrived with the twin. It’s like the freaks tent at the circus, where’s the bearded lady? Oh right: mystery podcast. I hope the finale is a musical with Max’s podcast and Jodi will dance dance dance. Jenny thinks Nikki looks “amazing,” and Adele agrees. Kevin informs security not to let Jenny into the premiere. He’s probs doing her a favor, that movie looks terrible.

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Hope There’s Spaghetti for Molly: The awkward crowd gathers for the Big Feast Where Nothing Good Can Happen. E.g., Jodi’s um … robe? Dress? What can I say? Are there words? Is there anything anyone can say in any language that could possibly do justice to this um — caftan?

Seriously, if Bette wants to make out later, she’s gonna have to start at the feet, and work her way up, fully heaving that motherfucker OFF and throwing it AWAY. It will be serious.

Natalie In Her Own Jodi-Robe.

Do NOT Go In There: This is when they need Ace Ventura or someone to come in and make crazy things happen. Instead, they talk about female DPs, there’s a lot of reflective surfaces at this party, break out the cocaine/ecstasy/pot brownies!

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No Heart to Burn: Security blocks Jenny and Jenny has a LOT of feelings about that. Adele says: “Just text her.” She’s basically an advertisement for T-Mobile, hope Adele’s in her Top Five. Jenny sends Adele in to take care of everything, adding: “I feel like an asshole, but, it’s fine.” I feel bad for Jenny all sad outside in the cold, she’s like a little puppy.

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FESTEN!: Back at the dinner party, the ladies take turns digging each other’s graves. Gravedigging party! Molly is telling Shane about how Richard just isn’t enough ’cause they don’t have that “thing.” Shane’s heard this one before. She can go in for the kill any minute now.

Shane: “Do you want a cigarette?”
Molly: “Trying to quit.”
Shane: “Yeah, me too.”
Molly: “But I could quit tomorrow.”
Shane: “Yeah, me too.”
[EXIT]

A Million Hours Left To Think Of You and Think of That: Bette — who prefers judging others rather than confronting her own demons — talks to Jodi in secret code sign language about the sitch w/Shane & Molly. Then Tina screams from across the table: “THIS IS DELICIOUS WHAT IS THIS?” Bette apologizes for excluding Tina & Sam, they didn’t mean to. “But you did,” Tina shoots back. “No, we didn’t,” Bette insists. Tina adds: “But you did.” And, she’s my hero for life. Sam escapes to the bathroom, good move. Amy asks Bette if Jodi’s ever made her Indian food — I’d love to see THAT outfit — but Tina says that Bette hates Indian food. Apparently she got sick once when they were traveling together. How sick was she? She was SO SICK Tina had to CARRY HER through the airport! She’s practically Mother Theresa. This is really romantic, defo if I was sick in India being carried through the airport, top ten best relationship moments.

Slow To Make My Move, I’m Almost There: Molly’s telling Shane that she knows her game and isn’t falling for it. Also Shane’s fully drinking white wine out of the bottle, which I do um, ALL THE TIME, Carly and I tend to kill bottles that way. (Carly, btw, is in the vortex with Papi, she better show up to the finaleee!) Shane says that’s not true, she’s not trying to sleep with her, but she did think about it and decide:

Quote of the Week #2: “If it was to happen, you would probably freak out afterwards and then you’d most likely go back to your boyfriend in Vermont and then I’d be stuck in the cold with nothing but the distinct memory of mediocre sex.”

Obvs Molly’s like, how do you know I’d be mediocre? And Shane’s like, I don’t, I don’t know anything, and Molly’s like, well, “this weird psychology you’re using isn’t gonna work either.” Ha.
Lesbian Sexy Moment #24: If You Show You Show. If You Show You Show.

The Players: Shane and Molly

The Pick-Up: “I’ve got no tricks up my sleeve, I just like talking to you. It is what it is.” Molly follows this with a sort of eyebrow raise and then clearly goes in for it. Finally!

Hot or Not? One of my favorite things about Shane is how when she kisses someone back — someone who, without fail, has sworn they aren’t about to kiss her — she half-smiles as she kisses, like “of course this is happening.” Molly stops, says, “is this bad?” and Shane says “yes, it’s a bad idea,” and they kiss for about another five smokin’ hot seconds — Surprise! Molly stops it, “Can you take me home please and I’m sorry and I shouldn’t’ve done that and it was a bad idea if you could just take me back to my Mother’s.” Don’t talk about your mother, that’s not hot, weren’t you at the pool party? For Chrissake. Shane: “I told you!”

Riese: Molly is processing already!
Cait: She’s such a lesbian, she has so many feelings already.
Alex: My number one feeling is intoxication. I cannot process this correctly.

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We’re All Busy Little Bees, Full of Sting, Making Honey Day and Night: Adele’s acting insider, trying to rub elbows with other valuable famous elbows … like telling Nikki’s manager about how no one’s gonna get onto the set. Jenny texts — “where are you?” and Adele lies that she can’t get to Nikki, “photographers everywhere.” She tells Jenny not to leave. Did they see the movie already? How long has Jenny been out there??!

What’s Adele doing, exactly? I feel like it’s devious, but the scene is over before it’s begun. She’s a good liar ’cause she lies blatantly in the face of what others might consider a sure get-caught situation — like in front of people Jenny will talk to later, about someone Jenny will talk to later. Also there’s SERIOUS full-screen texting going on, it’s like Lindsay076.

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When I Feel Like This When I Get So Sick of Myself: Jodi took everyone up to the rooftop to watch her robe glimmer in the moonlight while she pays tribute to the Goddess. I mean, to see her sculpture, it’s called “Ronald McDonald’s Playland.” This leaves Bette & Tina alone together in the kitchen, where they stand tensely in arrested sexual development. Then Bette turns to Tina and goes: “This is really one of the most excruciating things I’ve been through.” And y’know … the thing is … I believe her. I believe that it is possible that this is one of the most excruciating things Bette’s been through. The only problem is that Jodi and Bette’s relationship never really worked — we never saw them truly making each other happy, you know? Why’d Bette insist on the monogamy if she couldn’t handle it — Jodi didn’t want that. JoBette could be good for each other, but they wanted different things and fought all the time. It was just dumb. C’mon, L Word, you’re normally so AMAZING, what’s happening? Sigh.

Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, when I’m about to kiss my ex-wife, I think “You know what, we should go see Dan Foxworthy.” OMG, such lesbians! Dan’s their therapist, P.S., who Bette definitely didn’t want to see in Season One. Now she’s come … full circle .. I am taken I am yours, I’m up and doing circles , I’m taken I am yours, I’m up and doing circles I collapse …

Anyhow, their kiss gets busted before it begins, but the tension is palpable.

Also … this could really easily be a screenshot of a costume party:

Riese: Jodi’s still wearing that! And Amy?! What is that?
Alex: The costume of the day is space mountain.

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This was Adele’s idea, surprise:

Continuity Check!: Also, then they walk into the car, we cut to Jenny and Adele — Jenny’s upset, Adele consoles: “They probably made her do that” — and then we cut BACK to Nikki and Greg still walking the red carpet, even though we JUST saw them get into the car. Is it a flashback? wtf? Also, poor Jenny. You guys! Poor Jenny, she’s sad, where’s Sounder II?

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Back to court! Davis has pulled up her number one Bookmark: OurChart.com. Srsly she’s gonna be like “Before we proceed Major, real quick just log onto ‘ArmyGal69’ password ‘Ilovepussy’ and tell me if Kate Moennig has accepted my friend request yet?”

OK this IS NOT OurChart! [Is it? I don’t go there, I just talk about it.]

This is Our OurChart:

No further questions, your honor.

Really Papi Really Award:

Modern Major General: “It’s owned by Alice Pisecki, she has a podcast on it talking about being a lesbian. She interviews other lesbians about their sex lives and talks about her own sex life.”
Sgt. Bilko: “So Alice Pisecki, the woman named in two of the complaints against Ms. Williams, is a self-professed lesbian?”
MMG: “Yes, ma’am, that’s correct.”
Sgt. Bilko: “And, this chart?”
MMG: “It’s a chart of all the lesbians she knows who’ve had sex with one another.”
Sgt. Bilko: “Who’ve had sex with one another?”
MMG: “Yes ma’am, it’s not my chart colonel, if you know what I mean.”
Sgt. Bilko: “Yes thank you Major Durough, I think we all know what you mean.”

Okay: 1. As soon as Alice Pisecki starts writing about her sex life and the sex lives of other lesbians on OurChart, I might actually sacrifice the health of my computer’s motherboard to read it. 2. I can’t make peace with the concept of OurChart in court. 3. No one uses OurChart to make an actual chart. Do they? My “friends plus” requests are all from people I don’t even know (I deny them, ’cause I don’t want ppl to get confused). Seriously, I’m gonna log onto OurChart right now, find everyone I’ve hooked up with, and friends plus request them all. It’s too bad straight girls aren’t on OurChart. 4. I’d say something about Alice suddenly being lesbian instead of bisexual, but I think I’d be sort of um, hi pot, it’s kettle.

Top Gun: Sgt. Beech, the love of my life, has only one question: “Does Captain Williams’ name appear anywhere on the ‘chart’ or on the website?” Modern Major General’s like “No but–” and Sgt. Beech is like, “No further questions.” Joyce Wyshnia couldn’t’ve done better.

You’re SOOOOO On It!: First off, Alice’s hair looks adorable, even on day two. Bilko claims she watched The Look and found it very entertaining, she never knew there were so many spring style options appropriate for pear-shaped figures. Then she gets right down to it: “You’re a lesbian?” Alice testifies that she’s known Tasha for about a year, they’re friends — “and that doesn’t make Tasha a lesbian.” Bilko jumps in: “I didn’t ask if Captain Williams is a lesbian, Alice. You might wanna stick with the questions I ask.” Okay, seriously, even Major Hooha over there sees through that one, and it’s not even his kind of chart. So, does Alice know a lot of military people? … but really? Is this relevant? Does she know many hairdressers? Many limo drivers? People meet people, that’s what lesbians — oh. Hm.

Was This Gathering Anything like “MAGIC THE GATHERING”?: “How is it someone like yourself can meet someone like Captain Williams?” Bilko asks. Um, OURCHART! It would’ve been cool if she’d been like, “myspace, a place for FRIENDS, bitch.” But also … actually, she did meet Williams through OurChart, ’cause that’s how she met Papi, and she met Williams through Papi, and then Papi died, there’s a bike ride for it, hi-ho let’s go. Alice says they met at “a gathering.” Then Bilko asks “Have you had sexual relations with Captain Williams?” Okay, this is quickly becoming …

Lesbian Squabble #24: Don’t Tell! DON’T TELL!!!!!

In the Ring: Alice the Witness and Col.Davis/Sgt.Bilko

Content …

Alice: “You know what? This whole thing? This whole thing is a crock. It’s a freakin’ witch hunt. You’re trying to say that Tasha’s a lesbian because of her association with me? With lame trumped up evidence? I’m sorry, but I could just as easily say that I think you’re a lesbian Colonel Davis, with a propensity to engage in homosexual conduct, becase of the way you looked at me in the hallway yesterday–”
Bilko: “That is enough, Ms. Pisecki.”
Alice: “If all I have to do is establish that you know one lesbian — one lesbian — and maybe you had lunch with her once? I bet there aren’t a lot of women who wear that uniform who haven’t eaten out with a lesbian in their time –“

(Oh-Kay! See that? What you did there? That’s when you took an amazing line and took it just one step over the edge into “really papi” territory. But I’ll forgive you, ’cause you’re Alice.)

“Eaten out.” Right. We know what that means. And so does Davis. OMG Alice’s own gay witch hunt has just struck gold! SURRENDER DAVIS! Davis totally thinks that Alice knows some dirt on her ’cause Alice has dirt on everyone and no scruples about sharing it. Davis requests a recess, “to allow Ms. Pisecki to collect herself.” “I’m okay –” Alice says, cute as a button. “Did I say something?” Only everything, Alice, only everything.

War Games: Davis doesn’t want Alice to “play games” with her, but she isn’t! Davis needs assurance from Alice that she doesn’t have to watch her back … omg … this’d be one of the first times in L Word history that a plotline has actually tied itself back together convincingly, as they generally prefer to leave things dangling in the annals of ex-writers/the vortex. Davis: “[Tasha] just has to tell the story matter-of-fact … Brown twisted an innocent day out with friends into a sordid escapade so he could make his trumped up charges.” Kapeesh? Kapeesh. Davis also asks for assurance that she’ll never see Alice again. Um, Bilko? This is The L Word. Just about the only thing it can promise ANY of its guest stars is that they’ll never have to see anyone again. Just ask Carmen, Angus, Lara, James, Papi, Marina, Mark, Paige, Tonya, Dylan, Helena, Robyn, Candance, Ivan, Hazel, Catherine Rothberg, Brooke, Cherie & family, Henry, Nadia, Gomey, Charlotte Birch, Veronica Bloom, Stacey Merkin, Lindsay, Gabby Deveaux, Billy Blakey, Kate Arden, Peggy Peabody, Lisa, Lacey, Alice’s Mom, Kit’s son, Helena’s children, Shane’s brother & father, Jenny’s mother, The Fairbanks, and, obviously, Slim Daddy. Unfortunately, I cannot add BETTY to that list, I’m sure they’ll be back.

Is It Better Than Keeping My Mouth Shut? That Goes Without Saying: Tasha’s outside, thinking about Alice’s boobies. Alice, cute bag ‘n all, eagerly tells Tasha that she could walk away from all this ’cause unlike Jodi & Phyllis, Davis isn’t interested in being the next star of “Alice in Lesboland.” Tasha’s stunned, but before she can think twice/get naked, she’s called back into the courtroom …

There’s a Chance I’ll Start to Wonder if It Was the Thing To Do: In court, Tasha testifies that she’s in the force ’cause she’s from a military family, it’s her lifelong dream, etc. Davis questions her on why she recommended Martinez over Brown and Tasha answers that it’s ’cause Martinez’s got a superior service record, not ’cause she wanted to serve on top of her wink wink. Davis asks if the military represents the ideals by which she lives her life, and then adds a little liberal flair– “You’re aware that our service is strained for dedicated officers” — um, Hello, this is Alice’s ex-girlfriend, I think she knows.

Davis: “Do you agree that the military codes of conduct be adhered to at all times?”
Tasha: “I always have … until now.”
Davis: “I’m sorry?”
Tasha: “One of the things that is asked of us when we go to the front lines is that we be prepared to be separated from the people that we love. And we ask that of them, too. We ask them to let us go and fight for their freedom, maybe to never come home. And when we do come home, we feel blessed. It seems so wrong, now, to have my personal freedom denied to me within my own country. It seems wrong to watch the person that I love be interrogated like a criminal when she did nothing wrong.”
Davis: “The person you love? To whom are you referring, Captain Williams?”
Tasha: “Alice Pisecki, Colonel.”

Not gonna lie, I totally teared up a little. This situation would NEVER happen in real life — perhaps on the day pigs fly out of EZ Girl’s butthole — but OMG, I’m a sucker for declarations of love against all odds on stupid television shows. If you’re wondering — and I know that you are — I cry every time I watch Cherie tell Shane that she can’t leave her house in East Hampton. Which is either more often or exactly as often as you might think. I don’t have feelings in real life, so I have to cry sometimes.

Alice: Did you win? You look happy?
Tasha: I did, I won.
Alice: So what happened in there?
Tasha: I told them I love you.
[Alice looks stunned, Beech approaches–]
Beech: Tasha, you’re gonna be missed around here. Goodbye.

Davis’s goodbye is slightly more ominous:

“Personal freedom is an enviable thing, but personal sacrifice to ensure that many more Americans can enjoy their freedom, that’s the nobler cause.” (Col. “Closeted and Proud” Davis)

Anyway …

(Let’s make this #25)

If this was “Arrested Development,” there’d be imaginary scenes from next week. They’d go like this: “Next week — Tasha tries to get a civilian job — will she be a better applicant than Helena?”

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The Round Up:
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 3 this episode, 25 total
Lesbian Squabbles: 3 this episode, 24 total
Really Papi Really Award: Colonel Davis and Major Hooha
Quote of the Week: Molly and Shane
On a Scale of 1 to 10: I Don’t Even Know Anymore. Where’s Paris Hilton?