The L Word: Generation Q’s full-length season two trailer sent the entire Autostraddle TV Team into a gay tizzy for myriad reasons. Gigi and Bette—famously both tops—kissing?! Finley’s black eye?! Lesbian poker?! Etc.

Personally, nothing intrigued me more than the extremely brief but powerful tease of a KARAOKE SCENE in season two. As a Karaoke Dyke, I simply lost it at the sight of Alice, Shane, and Bette sharing a stage, microphones in hand (if it turns out to be anything other than a karaoke scene, I might revolt?). I obviously had to sit down and do the scientific work of figuring out what song each of these characters would sing at Queer Karaoke.

Shane // “Creep” by Radiohead

Y’all…I can’t really explain this, but I feel it in my bones? Also, she would sing the whole thing standing still without ever taking the mic out of its stand.

Alice // “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks

If I were to assign Alice a karaoke archetype, she’s definitely that person who cares less about song choice and more about putting on a show that everyone else is going to scream-sing along to. Bonus choice: I can also 100% see Alice singing “Teenage Dirtbag.”

Bette // “Alone” by Heart

Bette wants the entire room to stfu and pay attention when she takes the stage, but she does not have to explicitly ask for that attention, because when Bette motherfucking Porter takes the stage, people automatically press pause on their idle conversations and wait to order another drink until after she’s done. No one wants to miss a second of this. I’m biased because this is literally my girlfriend’s go-to karaoke song, but this is hot, flaunty top choice, and Bette would command the whole room with it and make everyone wish they could have a few minutes alone with her.

Tina // “Come To My Window” by Melissa Etheridge

Tina picks this song and everyone is like “REALLY, TINA? Could you BE more PREDICTABLE?” but then they all proceed to sing along with her. Bonus choice: There’s always that One Dyke Couple that insists on singing “I Got You Babe,” and based on body language in the trailer alone, I think Tina and Carrie are that couple.

Micah // “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys

Listen, I was going to give him “Simply The Best” by Tina Turner at first, but I think that’s just Schitt’s Creek’s influence, and I ultimately decided that Micah’s karaoke mode is smoldering, brooding angst.

Dani // “Independent Women Part 2″ by Destiny’s Child

I like Dani most of the time, but does she not have some lite girlboss energy??? Also, I find it funny and believable to think about her singing about being financially independent when really it’s daddy buying everything.

Sophie // “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyrus

Shoutout to my dear friend who likes to sing “Wrecking Ball” at karaoke and straight up throws herself on the ground during the second chorus for dramatic effect and inevitably hurts herself. Every single time we go back to karaoke, she’s like “okay I’m not going to throw myself on the ground when I do ‘Wrecking Ball’ this time” and then absolutely still throws herself on the ground when she does “Wrecking Ball.” While I hope my friend never changes her “Wrecking Ball” ways, I think that’s an apt metaphor for some of Sophie’s self-sabotaging tendencies.

Finley // “Wonderwall” by Oasis

The thing about Finley is she’s not even choosing this song as a bit. She genuinely loves it.

Gigi // “Bring Me To Life” by Evanescence

Gigi is the person at karaoke who wants to shock a room, and she’s gonna do it with this song. She’s also gonna make her ex-wife sing backup on it, but Nat is very willing to oblige. Everyone else in the room is simultaneously bewildered and aroused.

Tess // “Criminal” by Fiona Apple

There’s always some hot girl singing “Criminal” at karaoke night, and Tess with her many jean jackets is absolutely that girl. She has choreography and everything.

Nat // “Before (S)He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood

You see, Nat reminds me of the type of person who uses karaoke to emotionally process things (a.k.a. ME), and I am fully convinced that while she and Gigi were in the throes of their divorce, they chaotically decided to go to karaoke together (Gigi with a date, Nat alone) and Nat had two (2) glasses of weirdly warm house white and proceeded to sing this without breaking eye contact with Gigi who was, of course, turned on.

Angelica and Jordi // “You’re The One That I Want” from Grease

Listen, I absolutely see these two teens awkwardly singing a duet and becoming gradually more confident as the song goes on. I also see them choosing a show tune, and “Take Me Or Leave Me” felt too obvious. I’m terrible at math so please don’t fucking fact-check me on this, but I’m pretty sure Bette and Tina would have been around the same age as Angelica is now when the Grease movie came out, so I like to imagine one of them showing Angelica the movie and her being like “ok this is stupid why are olds playing high school students and why does the car fly at the end?” but also secretly loving it and showing it to Jordi when they’re both a little high. Wait did I just write a fic premise?????

Maribel // “No Scrubs” by TLC

Sophie’s sister is a standout side character in season one, and I hope we get more of her in season two, so I’m manifesting by giving her a beloved karaoke classic. It also fits her vibe.

At the end of the evening, Finley definitely takes the stage one last time to sing “Closing Time,” another song she unironically loves. I did fully imagine the ghost of Jenny Schecter crashing karaoke night to sing “Jenny From The Block.” I shall leave you with that.

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