The plan for the day at Stately Quinn Manor is to hang out with Robert’s dad, Robert Quinn Sr., who is played by Patrick Duffy who is most famous for being Bobby Ewing on Dallas and that is just a perfect piece of casting. I’m sorry if you were born in the ’90s and do not understand how amazing this is. Robert Sr. loves Sophia more than anything on this earth, and definitely more than he loves Robert Jr.
#WhoShotJR would have been the most popular hashtag ever.
OMG, grandpa. Stop embarrassing me in front of my sister-wife.
Robert Sr.: These mint juleps are delicious. Also, why is Callie here?
Robert Jr.: Because she is my child.
Robert Sr.: Well, Sophia is your main child and maybe if you’d spent less time stalking this one and paying attention to that one, Sophia wouldn’t have walked in front of a bus.
Sophia: Um, that’s not how chemical imbalances work? They don’t go away with attention?
Robert Sr.: Shh, hush, precious. Robert, you’re the worst.
Robert Jr.: No, YOU’RE the worst! Maybe if you hadn’t made me leave Callie’s mom, none of this would have ever happened!
Sophia: Well, I sure wouldn’t have happened.
Robert Sr.: I said hush, Sophia!
Sophia: Super glad I got out of the mental hospital for this.
Robert Sr.: Look, all I’m saying is you’ve got one kid who clearly needs you and one kid who absolutely does not, so why are you focusing all your energy on ruining the life of the one who is just fine without you?
Valid, Bobby Ewing. Valid.
After dinner, Robert finds Callie in the back garden staring out over his kingdom. He tells her he’s sorry about his dad, and she tells him it’s cool and they he should remember that she loves him, no matter what happens. Robert doesn’t find this ominous in any way because people who own actual yachts hear things differently than the rest of humanity, and so he is bamboozled beyond belief when his lawyer calls a few minutes later and tells him Callie is trying to get emancipated. Robert loads her up in his Mercedes and drives her home and won’t even talk to her because he’s a giant baby and a cautionary tale for Brandon.
I wanted a black pony and he bought me a brown one!
I almost threw my life away to date the teenage you.
When Robert drops off Callie and Callie explains that he found out about the thing, Stef is like, “I’ll fix this too, all by myself!” And Lena is like, “I’ll just go text with Monty then, I guess!”
Because here’s what’s happening there: Monty and Lena are getting super, duper close. They’re good at being a team, which is a thing Stef is shutting Lena out of being with her of right now. They make each other laugh, which is a thing Stef and Lena are definitely not doing right now. And Lena is telling way too much of her off-limits business to Monty, which is one of the trickiest things about being a gay lady with other gay lady friends. Because lady-lady friendships are super intimate because ladies are the best. And from Monty’s angle, I mean, what person on earth is not going to fall in love with Lena Adams Foster? She’s a human marvel.
MONA’S ALIVE!??
YAAAAAAAAASSSSSS.
The problem — well, one of the problems — with falling for your buddies is that buddy relationships aren’t tethered to the same responsibilities as romantic relationships, so you’re falling for a mirage. I also wish pizza didn’t have calories, but that’s not real life. Are you listening to me, Lena?
Lena and Monty spend all day hanging out and doing work and talking about their lives and their insecurities and and their fears and winning grants to keep their school going strong, and when Lena finally breaks down about how worried she is about the one zillion stressors in her life, Monty hugs her (fine), keeps hugging her (less fine), puts a hand in her hair (mostly not fine), puts a hand on her cheek (not fine), and kisses her (super not fine). It lasts a nanosecond before Lena jerks away, and they’re both shocked. You never think you’re going to do the thing you always knew you were going to do! They grab their shit and launch themselves in different directions toward the same auditorium.
You have scrambled eggs in your hair.
With one hundred kids in the house, I never get to use a mirror.
Because it is dance-off time. Caitlin’s stupid team stole Mariana’s dystopian robot theme, but who even cares because Emma and Mariana have tag-teamed to code an army of CGI Storm Troopers who perform in the dark with glowing hearts to the absolute mania of the crowd. No one notices that they only have five real dancers! Rules are not for people with adrenalized hyperreality!
While Mariana is dancing, Brandon is playing his self-composed contemporary piano piece for one of the people from classical music summer camp. It’s very good.
And while Brandon is still playing, Mariana and Jesus and Anna are driving home from the dance competition. And Anna goes into labor.
I don’t give a fuck what your anaconda wants tbh.
And while Anna is going into labor, the custody judge calls Stef and Lena and they meet in his chambers and Robert signs over his parental rights to Callie. And so Stef and Lena can really finally adopt her.
It’s a good day. Jude calls Connor his boyfriend, right out loud. Callie gets to come home and be home. Brandon is a phenomenal musician. Mariana won her dance competition. And now everyone is getting a new baby! Except for no they’re not because on the way to the hospital, Anna and Jesus and Mariana get smashed by another car.
I’m not trying to be a butt hole, Anna, but no pregnant lady should ever drive a car in a season finale. Nothing good is ever going to come from that.
As Stef gets ready to speed off to the car crash that she doesn’t know her kids were involved in, but that the police scanner says includes one confirmed fatality, Lena is like, “Hey, I love you.” And Stef is like, “Yeah, I love you too.”
We gave Jesus to Mike.
So can Connor move into my bedroom?
And I love you. (Yes, you. I mean Stef and Lena, but I also mean you, Dear Reader. You’re my favorite dystopian robot theme.)
Next season: Lena tells Stef about the nano-smooch with Monty and they both take responsibility for letting their relationship slide into dangerous territory and make up with affirmative soul-scissoring. Monty starts dating this girl I know. Jude and Connor come out at school and everyone is chill about it and they spend most afternoons canoodling and playing video games, after they finish their homework. Mariana and Emma admit their feelings for each other and start dating, which isn’t really weird now that Jesus is away at Testosterone Academy. Anna moves in with her parents and they help her stay sober and raise her baby. Callie tattoos her adoption certificate onto her torso. And Brandon sells his copy of Detective Comics #27 for one hundred billion dollars and sets off on a world tour with Someone’s Little Sister in his own blimp.
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YAY! I was waiting for this. It was definitely worth it!
Fav line might be “Mike wouldn’t stop whining about how he never gets to have anyone’s extra babies.”
Also, “Robert doesn’t find this ominous in any way because people who own actual yachts hear things differently than the rest of humanity.”
And honorable mention to all of the photo captions and the listing of various gifts that each would teach to the baby.
The finale had of the feels with the Jude & Connor stuff. I cant wait to see their lil romance blossom.
:)
❤
Yasssss
The Buster Bluth reference was perfect
Man, can YOU write season three!? Because that just all sounds lovely.
I love these recaps so much because it is so clear how much this show means to you. You write about it with such immense love (and silliness) and I can’t wait for season 3!
“Don’t be a Brandon.” I’m going to cross stitch that on to a pillow.
Thank you for the double recap! I laughed hysterically and also cried, and it was just what I needed.
I do believe this summary might possibly be better than the actual episodes. Fantastic job!
i would love it if lena and stef had other lesbian couples to talk to, awesome recap!!
It cracks me up to no end how merciless you are with poor, put-upon Brandon! :-D
The #Jonnor scene in the hospital room actually comes after the part where Lena is comforting a crying Jude and then Lena tells Connor’s dad what’s what. This is significant because it holds out the hope that Connor’s dad might at some point not be a total douchecanoe about the fact that Connor has an incurable case of Jude Fever.
Okay, I hope I’m not stepping on any toes by doing this, and I’m pretty sure I’m not breaking any rules, so here it goes. Quite a few fans of the show have didn’t like it that what transpired between Jude and Connor in the hospital room happened off-scene. It occurred to me that perhaps the producers of the show were faced with time-constraints and just decided to leave the filling in of those details to enterprising gay male fan-fic authors such as yours truly. So feel free to let me know what you think either here or in a guest-review on the linked site, even if you think it’s garbage and I shouldn’t have posted a link to it here:
The Conversation In The Hospital Room by Venuspluto67
It was predictable that Robert would give in when the battle went too far (or he would get run under by a car.) I hope they’ve a storyline for them next season – I liked his guilt and their relationship. And, Sophia being Callie’s mini-me amazes me probably too much.
Mariana is the best, I wish she would start dating Emma – but, I guess the show has maxed out their gay quota (or – “same story” quota.)
I re-watched the Lena & Monty kissing scene, and the kiss is actually 3 seconds (hmr, counting the duration of kisses is usually a sign of shipping.) So, my guess is that storyline is far from over – but will probably end up with Monty imploding. I think Monty is great (aside from the kissing of married people) and Stef not so much, I really didn’t like her railroading Callie.
One of the people, who were in the car, tweeted on twitter that they won’t be returning next season, whether she or he is the fatality or not, I don’t know – but, next season will be sad (too sad if it is Mariana who dies, really.)
Thanks for the recaps, Heather :)
Next season I really want to see some drama related to the very complex chore chart depicted in the opening credits.
Going on a tangent here, but is it just me or is Tia a total babe? I lowkey ship her and Marianna
I 100% thought Tia & Mariana were gonna hook up when she first showed up.
also “and Brandon can bitch about how much space it is taking up” after all the heartwarming stuff everyone else will do with the baby was easily the best line of the article. I laughed.
I have become obsessed with the Fosters, marathoned it on youtube in 2min clips. I just wish I’d been able to watch it when I was 14! It makes me so happy that this kind of show is what is out there now for the next lot coming up.
Anyone know if it’ll be on DVD in the UK?
How I imagine each of Jude’s siblings reacting to learning of the official genesis of #Jonnor:
Callie: “Jude, are you sure you aren’t filling in the blanks with your imagination here? This sounds kind of hard to believe.”
Mariana: “Oh Jude, that’s *great*! You two are *such* an adorable couple! I’m so freaking *happy* for you both!”
Jesus: “Okay, if I come back on vacation from boarding school and walk into my room to find you two making out, I have to tell you that I’m going to royally freak.”
Brandon: “That’s great, I’m happy for you. Now back to talking about me.”
I actually find myself dreading the fatality in the car crash being Jesus or Mariana because I really don’t want Jude to be sad anymore right now.
“What’s not real is magical parrots who solve mysteries.” – Former Best Friend, I hope!
I’m like 99% sure it’s the other driver who’s dead. It won’t be Ana because she just decided to keep the baby and we already lost a baby this season. It won’t be Mariana cuz she just broke her ankle (let’s be real, that’s how TV logic works). If it’s any one of our characters it would be Jesus seeing as the truck slammed right into him, but he just got into bording school and I don’t think the writers would risk losing all the teenage girls who show up to see his abs (my little cousin being one of them.)
I think you may be right. They’re just not going to kill off Mariana, period-end-of-sentence. And having a baby get killed right before it was going to be born (which would be very likely if Ana were killed) is just, well, “Law and Order”-worthy. And I would hate to see Jesus die, even if the actor who portrays him is a habitual drunk-driving jerk-face. (I’ve also heard scuttlebutt that Jake Austin doesn’t really get along very well with his co-stars.)
If the other driver is killed, that driver’s family seeking legal retribution would be plenty of the sort of drama-fodder on which “The Fosters” apparently thrives!
And here’s another thought: If that scuttlebutt about JA not getting along with everybody else is true and Jesus is toast as of the end of the finale, it would be difficult not to conclude that the producers decided to kill off his character so that they could totally wash their hands of his sorry, drunk-driving, diva ass.
But I still don’t want them to end poor, silly Jesus. :-)
I know I really shouldn’t ship this, but I’m kind of hoping for more to happen between Lena and Monty. Not in a “I hope they get married” way, just in a “this is really hot to watch like Bette and the carpenter” way. I’ll see myself out.
omggggg …. i ship monty and lena too. i love stef, i truly do, i feel like I am so much like Stef and Lena is so much like my girlfriend. but there’s been so little lesbian action this season (thanks to the one million foster kids) that i find the Monty-Lena romance/friendship cute. I think Monty really does care for Lena and if the Fosters were’t married, I would totally be up for Monty-Lena as end game. now i’ll see myself out too :)
SOMEONE ELSE WHO LOVED BETTE AND THE CARPENTER. I cringe too much to notice the hot with Monty/Lena but maybe I just need to, er, watch their scenes again? I just love Stef/Lena so much that everytime I see Monty I hiss like a cat.
Heather you are a national treasure
Finally watched the season, and these recaps are the best ever. Can’t wait to watch Season 3!