My god, Mariana probably only even knows Gewn Stefani because of The Voice! Netflix was right to suggest “Elderly Lady Emotions” as a movie category for me yesterday!
You are not “literally always” right.
I’m sorry, but I think you have a concussion.
Stef and Lena are mad, mad, mad. Lena is mad because Stef knocked down the door of Stately Quinn Manor with her head and charged in to yell at Robert about being the worst. Stef thinks being lectured about making impulsive decisions to protect their kids without pausing to think about how it will hurt their kids is real rich coming from someone who just quit her job over a possibly gay camping trip. Lena grabs some blankets and starts to march to the couch, and Stef is like, “Oh, good idea! When one of our eleven kids peeps you sleeping on the couch, that’ll really calm their nerves about their relentless burdens! Except for Brandon, who wouldn’t recognize a burden if it slapped him in the face!” So they build a wall of pillows between them and snip about: “Don’t even touch me tonight.” And: “Oh, don’t you worry about that.”
This scene made me laugh in such a jolly, hearty way. It’s just so real, and also I’ve been waiting for so long to see this couple on my television. I remember this one TV writer telling me one time like, “I can’t just have the lesbian couple sit on the couch and cuddle with each other for a whole season! Nobody wants to watch that!” And I was all, “But can you let them cuddle on the couch for just five minutes?!” Because yeah, yeah, story is conflict. I KNOW. It’s just that when lesbian couples argue on TV it usually means they’re breaking up and we’ll never see at least one of them ever again, but I like that Lena and Stef argue like I argue with my girlfriend. I know they’re not going anywhere and my girlfriend knows I’m not going anywhere, ’cause that’s real life. Sometimes you build a pillow wall because you’re both being brats.
Okay, and Tami Taylor wasn’t “literally always” right, either.
Sometimes it’s like you can’t even hear yourself talking, Stephanie.
You always knew Coach and Tami were going to be okay on Friday Night Lights; they were the sun and the volatility just orbited around them, influencing them, but never really touching them. Best TV couple ever, those two. Stef and Lena have a lot of Coach and Tami in them. (Or, well, reversed. Stef : Coach :: Lena : Tami.)
At Anchor Beach Community Charter School, everyone is possessed by the spirit of Aria Montgomery. Jesus’ girlfriend is so excited that his whole family coming to watch her dance at Regionals this weekend, even though his whole family is really coming to watch Mariana dance at Regionals this weekend. Brandon’s music teacher wants him to apply to camp for musical masterminds, but he can’t think about enriching his future right now because he can only think about his love life. And Mariana is taking orders from an angry blonde girl who keeps changing personalities like masks of her own face and dicking everyone around about when it’s their turn to have a solo. Mercifully, no one is wearing skull print blouses with mismatched skull print cardigans.
Maybe next time we’ll include a girl in it. Maybe next time we’ll have a threesome.
The only threesome I want is me, you and Netflix!
Perfect human person Jude Foster-Adams is not possessed by the spirit of Aria Montgomery because his heart repels solipsism like Gore-Tex repels water. His soul is made of Patronus dust! He tries to blow past Connor, to not make it weird for him, that whole possibly gay tent thing, but Connor loves him and wants to be his best friend; he just wants him to stop telling his moms everything. Jude says that will not be a problem, but that’s because he doesn’t know Lena has arrived at school and they have immediately reinstated her as President of Everything (which is correct, of course, but hard on sweet Jude’s possibly blossoming possibly gay love).
Lena calls Connor’s dad in for a meeting, and it’s just:
Boobs? I mean, they’re whatever. Nope. Wait, nope. Awesome! Boobs are awesome!
Lena: Okay, Jude, please tell Connor’s dad what happened in the tent.
Jude: Some girls came in and ruined what should have been a romantic evening in the woods! Just kidding, some girls came in and we made out with them like the normal heterosexual boys we are.
Connor’s dad: That is just what I wanted to hear! No one’s going to have to run away from a spanking tonight and trip and bust his head open on a doorknob, that’s for sure!
Lena: We’re going to get better about chaperoning our field trips.
Connor’s dad: Whatever, as long as my kid likes tits!
Connor calls Jude a bitch after the meeting! A bitch! I will kick your shins with my cowboy boots on if you ever speak like that to Jude again, Connor! I MEAN IT. I know you are a young child, figuring out your sexuality, but I will hex you in your face! I WILL! DON’T TEST ME, I WILL. I WILL HEX YOU, CONNOR.
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Best recap ever. As I was watching The Fosters last night, I was thinking, “I am having too many emotions right now and I really need an Autostraddle recap to process them!” And I pretty much laughed hysterically the entire time I was reading this, so thank you.
As much as I dislike Sophia and her being a brat, I agree and I gotta give kudos to the actress as she is really good! Her declaration of her suicidal thoughts can be easily seen as an empty threat but man, when she walked into traffic just like that, I felt my heart jump out of my ribcage, I thought that was the end of Sophia. And I really admire what Callie did, to tell Robert and Jill the truth about Sophia’s suicidal ideation – I felt that she genuinely did that to get Sophia help, not to make things complicated. As a person who also had suffered from mild depression before and had 2 friends commit suicide at an early age, I can say that it is really important to recognize signs and to always have somebody to talk to and be that somebody they can talk to. All in all, this episode was great – felt lots of feelings and was written beautifully. PS at the end when there was the PSA, I almost forgot Maia aka Callie is ‘Strayan IRL, I just love her accent. Thanks for the recap!
Bailee Madison, who plays Sophia, is good but the best thing about this show is always Stef and Lena.
Great recap, amazing work. I really like this show and I couldn’t be happier Heather is recapping this.
THEY HAD GIRLS IN THE TENT AND MADE OUT WITH THEM? WHAT? WHAT, NO?! I waited for MONTHS for this Jonnor moment and what? I will not accept this. I will not.
On a different topic: I really disliked Sophia til this episode, but I don’t think she is just a spoiled brat, she is a sad sad spoiled brat and Bailee Madison is doing great.
Making out with girls? I don’t believe that for a second.
Hi hello someone PLEASE tell me what this reference is in the caption to the town full of lesbians? This is a reference, right? I want to read/watch/otherverb whatever it is it’s referring to!
I believe it’s a reference to Pretty Little Liars, which has an oddly disproportionate number of queer ladyfolk in town.
Sometimes I think I’m the only queer lady that doesn’t watch PLL.
Haha I’ve never seen it either. I didn’t realize that there were so many lesbians! Now I think I need to watch it…
Get ready for your life to be taken over by pretty women with very shiny hair.