Digression 1: Yes. Already. It is 11 p.m. and I am just starting to write this recap because I was at my kid’s junior high play. My poor example teaches valuable lessons: 1.) Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be recappers 2.) Blame all your problems on Moliére and 3.) A good liberal arts education will allow you to make reference to Waylon, Willie and Moliére in one fell swoop.

Let’s get to it! The episode opens with Brandon packing a bag and looking pouty as is his lot these days. He kindly picks up his iPhone to show us that he kept texting Callie after receiving a text that said, “STOP TEXTING ME!” because Brandon is a rebel. A rebel with a restraining order.

Downstairs, in the great lesbian kitchen, Jesus complains about his breakfast and wants egg whites only. Marianna will eat his standard scrambled eggs provided they are cage-free. Stef and Lena complain how hard it is to have only one car.

Would you eat them in a house? Would you eat them with a mouse? You children are so hard to please.

Digression 2: At one point in our lives, my son went to school in south Minneapolis. My partner worked in St. Paul. My daughter went to daycare near downtown Minneapolis and I worked in downtown Minneapolis. We had only one car and every day was a crazy mix of cars and buses and you know what else, Stef and Lena? We did it all in the snow.

When they are done whining about the car, they tell Jude they want to proceed with the adoption. He asks about Callie and Stef asks if he wants to be adopted without her.

Next we see Daphne in checking out her new apartment with Rita and Callie. Why is Callie there when she lost her privileges and has proven herself to be completely dismissive of the rules at Girls United? That is a good question that won’t be answered!

At Anchor Beach School for Chatty Wrestlers, Jesus is about to eat lunch when Perky Emma joins him. He is wearing a scuba suit under his clothes or something and Emma asks why and he tells her that he’s trying to drop a weight class. He is surprised Emma is talking to him after his mom’s embarrassing verbal smackdown of the coach but Emma says, “I’m not into icing people out. That’s why I don’t hang out with girls.” Oh, Emma, I wish we could all get along like we did in middle school. Emma then eats Jesus’ food.

Lena goes to the gynecologist which sounds like a terrible sequel to Curious George Goes to the Doctor. Thankfully, the gyno isn’t the Man with the Yellow Hat because his attention to detail was always worrisome. There is some chit chat about the kids and then Lena asks if she’s too old to get pregnant. It really does seem like the perfect time for a baby because babies go well with restraining orders, allegations of drug use and theft, runaways and a budding eating disorder!

Digression 3: I watch this online at the ABCFamily site and the most often repeated commercial is for the “stand and stuff flour tortilla.” It’s a bowl. Made out of tortillas. It offends my delicate sensibilities.

Jesus gets a text from Emma about his diet and a picture of her eating a sandwich. Then, he gets a text from Lexi with a picture of her in just a bra. She asks what he’s wearing and he takes off his shirt and unbuttons his pants and takes a selfie. Oh my goodness! Whatever will happen next? Jude walks in on him and Jesus freaks out and tells him to get out because he needs “Jesus time.” Jude takes his leave and Jesus accidentally texts the picture to Emma.

That is NOT a sandwich!

Stef is watering the bushes when Lena gets home from the doctor and says, “Have fun at the gyno?” Lena says, “It’s more action than I’ve gotten from you in awhile.” This is what has been missing! Remember when they used to tease each other and say funny things? Before Stef can water Lena’s bush, Stef’s dad drives up in a new Prius and tells Stef it’s for them. Stef won’t accept it because he didn’t come to the wedding and he says he didn’t come to the wedding because she asked him not to and I say, “Can I have the Prius since Stef doesn’t want it?” Frank leaves and Lena looks longingly after the Prius.

Later that night, Stef and Lena are in their craftmatic beds — upright, to facilitate reading. We need to start a petition to bring back their old bed. It’s like the 1950’s in their room. Lena tells Stef the gyno says, “Hello.”

Digression 4: That seems weird but it actually happens. Luisa and I have the same doctor and, when I last saw her, she was all, “Tell Luisa to come see me. Unless she’s seeing someone else. Tell her it’s okay if she’s seeing other people.” She is quirky and I like that about her.

Lena is about to bring up the baby thing but the biggest baby of all, Brandon, comes in and asks if he can go to Family Day at Girls United. He says it was wrong for them to kiss and blah blah blah. Stef tells him they’ll think about it and right after he leaves, she asks Lena, “You buying it?” and Lena says, “I have no idea.” Trust your gut! Then, Stef puts down her bed and turns off the light and there is no baby talk.

The only action happening in this bedroom is the magic bed getting adjusted all the time.

At Family Day, the Fosters arrive en masse and Kiara says, “Damn Callie! You roll deep.” Have I mentioned my unconditional love for Kiara? I have unconditional love for Kiara. Callie hugs everyone but Brandon and Brandon sucks the life out of the entire room/house/show with his sullen mug. Lunch is served and Jesus skips it because he wants everyone playing at home to be able to mark “eating disorder” on their Social Issue Bingo cards. Callie and Jude eat alone on the porch and Jude tells her she pushes people away and ignores me when I point out that he kinda drove her away. He tells her the Fosters are adopting him anyway and she’s happy for him but also a little broken by it.

At one point, Rita mentions to Stef that it’s interesting that she got a restraining order against her son and then brought him to visit. Thank you for bringing this up, Rita. That could never happen! A mom doesn’t get to choose when a restraining order is enforced. Rita also tells Stef that Callie applied to be in the independent living program. Callie goes into the kitchen and Brandon follows her like the creeper he is and says, “Why are you breaking up with me?” and she says, “I’m not.” Just then, the kitchen is engulfed in flames and neither Brandon nor Callie survive. They were sad at the loss of their friends but they had to get the women back to camp. Line from a cartoon — name it!

I lied about the fire. Sorry. Stef and Lena walk into the kitchen and ask about the independent living thing and Callie confirms it.

Back at the Charming Craftsman, Jude heads to his room and knocks but Jesus is having “Jesus Time” again. So, Jude sits outside the door and unfurls a flag-sized pack of string cheese. I guess he’s having cheese time.

At the group home, Callie takes out the trash and catches Cole sneaking in the back with a bag full of drugs. Callie confronts him about the phone and tells him she won’t tell Rita about the drugs if he gives it back which he does.

You can keep taking hormones that weren’t prescribed to you as long as I can keep texting Brandon.

Meanwhile, Jude has eaten all the cheese and knocks on the door again and Jesus says that he’s not done and Jude walks in anyway. He sees Jesus talking to Emma. Jesus gets mad and yells at him and Jude throws a book at him. Not the book, just a book. Stef and Lena walk in and take the matter under advisement. They talk to Jude in the kitchen and tell him that he can’t throw books and Jesus will get a talking to as well. Jude uses “my room” in the conversation and when he goes back upstairs, Stef and Lena squeal like school girls about that and the fact that he threw a book at Jesus which is something a “real” brother would do.

Digression 5: This scene has played out at my house many times. Lena tells Jesus to “be the big brother” and I have said that at least 167 times to my son. My daughter doesn’t throw books, though. She throws punches.

Back at the group home, Callie is doing laundry in the dark. At least that’s what it looked like to me. Cole comes in and tells Callie that he’s not a drug addict and the drugs are hormones. He also tells her that his parents kicked him out because he wouldn’t “act like a girl” and he did what he had to do to survive. He asks to use Callie’s phone when he needs to get his hormones and she says he can. This was a great scene. The actor who plays Cole was spot on and we got a little more backstory that deepened the character.

The next day, Daphne, Kiara and Callie are at Daphne’s new apartment cleaning when there is a knock on the door. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Brandon. Brandon who? Brandon. That’s the joke and it’s a bad one. Kiara agrees because she says, “Oh hell no!” Daphne tells them they have 15 minutes. She and Kiara will go to 7-11 for more cleaning supplies. I shout, “Bring me an ICEE!” but I don’t think they heard me. Brandon brings Callie her guitar and she starts fantasizing about what it will be like to have her own apartment and where she’ll put his keyboard and he starts fantasizing about what kind of TV they’ll get and then I start fantasizing that someday this storyline will end. He takes her guitar and serenades her.

Obligatory picture of Brandon continuing to make bad decisions and annoy everyone.

Digression 6: Callie has the same exact capo my daughter got for Christmas but now it’s my capo because her little hands couldn’t exert enough pressure to use it. Now you know our capo secrets.

When Daphne and the gang arrive back at Girls United, Cole is being taken out of the house on a stretcher. He was found unconscious in the bathroom with needles and the hormones. Later that afternoon, Rita and the girls are processing what happened to Cole and they all gang up on Callie because she knew he was taking the hormones and that they weren’t as safe as what he would have gotten from a doctor. So, he had a seizure and hit his head. Callie says that none of them want to be there and one of the girls says, “You have a family that wants you.”

Stef and Lena are looking through ads for used cars and Lena mentions one with anchor points for a baby seat and Stef says, “Thank god those days are behind us.” I love Stef but she does have a way of always saying the wrong thing. Of course, few are privy to the Secret Life of Lena so I can’t really blame her. Lena suggests a minivan and Stef says, “It violates our sacred oath to never drive a minivan.”

Digression 7: Deborah drives a minivan and was offended by this statement. I have never driven a minivan so I found it hilarious. To minivan or not to minivan, that is the question.

Lena then suggests they accept Frank’s gift and tells Stef that intolerance goes both ways and Stef is hoppin’ mad! She says, “Wow. You must really want that car.” Personal foul. Unnecessary roughness. Stef storms out and the gyno calls to say she’s gotta ticket to ride the baby train.

At Girls United, Callie sits on the couch doing homework and Rita joins her for a heart to heart. Well, really, it’s just one heart because Callie pushes everyone away. Rita knows how that is because she had a great husband and she cheated on him because she didn’t think she deserved him and Callie does that too but not with husbands but with everybody. Callie is all GRRRRR and goes upstairs.

Later, Cole comes home and Rosie helps him into bed and gets teary and tells him she was really scared. After Rita leaves, Cole tells Callie he really thought his parents would come see him at the hospital but they didn’t. Callie goes downstairs and turns her phone into Rita and says, “I know where I need to be now. I need to be here.”

Stef goes to Frank’s house and enters through the sliding glass doors as usual. She calls out for him but he doesn’t answer. That sinking feeling? That’s what a plot point feels like. She finds him in the living room with the TV on. She turns off the TV but can’t wake him and that’s how it ends.

This is how the show ends, not with a bang but with a worried Stef looking gorgeous as ever.

Overall Impression: They are still trying to pack too many issues into this show but this episode had a few bright spots and seemed like Emmy material compared to last week’s.

Best Line: Stef: “Have fun at the gyno?” Lena: “It’s more action than I’ve gotten from you in awhile.”

Really?: Brandon and Callie. Still. In the words of the great philosopher, Kiara, “Oh HELL no!”

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