It’s Final Four Day, baby! (Basketball!) And Championship Voting Day, baby! (Autostraddle March Madness!) Who are you cheering for? (Both!)

This week, Stef reviewed Mae Martin’s new stand-up special. Heather reviewed The Big Door Prize. Kayla recapped Yellowjackets. Drew recapped Drag Race. The Gen Q cast said their goodbyes to the show, while Riese led our TV Team in ranking all the Gen Q sex scenes. Kayla also wrote about why she’ll watch anything with a toxic mentor/mentee dynamic.

Notes from the TV Team:

+ Another week, another upset win for the gays on Food Network’s Tournament of Champions! James Beard Award winning chefbian Karen Akunowicz stepped into the arena this week to face #1 seed Tobias Dorzon in a surf and turf battle. The chefs faced each other on TOC last season and Chef Tobias came out on top…but not this time!

The Randomizer doled out their challenges: the chefs had to create a candle light dinner with crab meat and filet mignon, utilizing a rotisserie oven. Honestly, it was one of the best spins of the Randomizer we’ve seen all tournament…one that didn’t hamstring the chefs and allowed the cooking to just shine. Chef Karen thrived, developing an updated take on a romantic steakhouse dinner: a feta creamed crab spanakopita with butter-basted filet mignon and crab bearnaise. In the end, only two points separated the chefs but it was enough to earn Chef Karen the win. — Natalie

+ It’s hard to know what’ll become of All American: Homecoming given what’s happening at the CW. Previous reports suggest that the network only expects to have three scripted original series next year. All American has already claimed one of those slots, leaving just two slots of the rest of the CW’s scripted fare to compete over.

But, if All American: Homecoming ends here, it will have done so giving Nate Hardin two impressive wins: first, she defeats her ex, Nico, in the race for SGA president and, then, she finds the man behind the mask. Turns out, Nate’s dance partner at the masquerade ball was the reporter that’s been covering her campaign. He admits that he’s liked Nate this entire time but, as a nerdy journalist, didn’t believe he had the swagger necessary to approach her. Nate swoons a little bit and the pair share a kiss. — Natalie

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The Flash Episode 907: “Wildest Dreams”

Written by Valerie Anne

DREAMER IS BACK! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!

This week’s episode of The Flash opens with Dreamer, fully suited, in the dream realm, having a spooky dream about ravens and spiders and someone in a cozy bathrobe with glowy blue eyes. The Robed Woman takes Nia’s dream energy when suddenly a wild Iris appears…and the Robed Woman promptly kills her. Nia snaps awake and makes her way to Central City as fast as she can to see her new friend Iris West-Allen.

Iris is surprised to see Nia between the mimosa brunch she has with Nia, Kara, Alex and Ryan (I told Nic this after her weecap of the last Flash but I imagine Sophie, Lena, and Kelly have an “in-laws” brunch at the same time. Maybe Brainy and Barry can hang out then too.)

Hilariously, Nia tells Iris that she’s her career role model, which I support, but no one has ever in-universe acknowledged that Kara isn’t actually a great reporter before.

By the time Nia finishes explaining her dilemma to Iris, the Robed Woman shows up and knocks them both out with dream energy.

While they’re real life bodies are asleep and overheating, Nia and Iris go on adventures through Iris’s psyche, where she sees a version of her life where she’s a cop like her dad (eye roll) or the manager of a Jitters to have a job she could leave behind when she clocks out.

Meanwhile, Barry is in the real world running around trying to find someone to help. Kara, Brainy and John are reportedly “off-world.” And my question is: IS LENA OFF-WORLD. Because the only way I will stand for this darty witch erasure is if it’s known that when Kara is off-world, so is Lena.

ANYWAY,

Nia and Iris try to solve the mystery of why they’re stuck in the dream world, and Iris realizes that she’s felt like she’s stuck on a path without any control over her fate because she knows so much about her own future; did she really earn her Pulitzer if she knows she’s going to earn one before she even finishes her article? Or if she has access to information because she’s married to The Flash? (Nia could have pointed out here that Kara practically got her Pulitzer by accident and also IS Supergirl but it’s fine.)

Nia points out that just because she knows what’s going to happen doesn’t mean it was pre-ordained; Iris chose to be a reporter, and she chooses it every time she follows a lead, every time she stays late to chase the truth. Destiny isn’t one choice, Nia says. It’s a lifetime of choices.

Iris teaches Nia a lesson right back, saying Nia can’t control everything, so Nia gives up control and the Robed Woman reveals herself as The Original Dreamer.

Original Dreamer gives Dreamer her dream energy back, and then some. Nia and Iris wake up, Nia now with a new invisible friend by her side. Nia hugs Iris and says she’ll see her at brunch, and we watch her head back to National City one last time.

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Survivor Season 4405: “The Third Turd”

Written by Anya!

At the start of the episode, Carolyn’s beefing with Yam Yam, who’s (understandably) upset that he was left out of the previous vote. It’s also worth noting that Tika is now an ALL-QUEER TRIBE! Has that ever happened before?!

Back on the Soka tribe, everyone meditates, which I am simultaneously impressed and annoyed by. You know who else seems to be holding multiple truths? Frannie! On one hand, she truly seems to have a crush on Matt — she divulges that after this is all over, they have plans to get Ethiopian food, and “whatever happens, happens”. Okay Frannie! But I also keep having this feeling that she would (and will) gut him if she has to. She knows she’s more strategic than he is, evidenced by when she tells Jamie that Matt’s biggest asset is that he’s… a nice guy! Lol, sure. Multifaceted queen!

At the challenge, the Tika tribe loses, and is sent to Tribal. But before that, the winning Ratu tribe chooses three people to send on a journey: Brandon, Danny, and… Carolyn! I did enjoy the twist that there was no hike or advantage on this journey — it was just a nice meal! However, the meal went from sweet to sour when Carolyn realized she was simply a spectator watching the formation of a bro alliance. Honestly, it was very sexist and hard to watch! Brandon and Danny were literally strategizing as though Carolyn had already been voted out, and ended up discussing their two-person plans, as she sat right freaking there. However, Carolyn was anything but defeated — she left that journey more self-assured and fired up than ever before. Don’t count Carolyn out, and don’t get on her bad side!

Back at camp, the Tika tribe deliberates about who to send home; Carolyn, absolutely rage-filled at the impending bro alliance, wants to team up with Yam Yam (rekindle their friendship!!) because she knows Brandon and Danny want to bring Josh into their bro alliance (they literally said as much). All the strategizing is for naught, however, because just before Tribal, Matthew leaves the game due to extreme shoulder pain — it’s sad to see someone’s dream vanish in front of their eyes, but I had been struggling to feel that bad for a guy who dislocated his shoulder by… climbing a random rock for no reason! So anyway, bye Matthew.

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All American 515: “United in Grief”

Written by Natalie

The morning after Patience’s video release party, Layla shares the truth about Patience’s #1 fan with the artist. Understandably unnerved, she wonders how Miko was able to find out their address. Layla lays out Miko’s history — the constant DM stalking, then the “accidental” run-in at Slauson Cafe, and now the flowers being sent directly to Patience’s house — and warns that there’s something seriously wrong with her. She insists that Patience stay away from Miko and, of course, Patience agrees. Layla tries to take Patience’s mind off the situation with Miko by checking the numbers on the video but even those are underwhelming. Patience storms off in frustration.

But later the views on the video start to skyrocket…thanks, of course, to a post on one of Miko’s fan pages. Layla tries to suppress Patience’s instinct to reach out and thank Miko but Patience suggests they cut the stan some slack. Layla reminds Patience that she’s been down this road before — that All American has done this storyline before — and that Miko is not the kind of person who can be reasoned with. She encourages Patience to cut off all contact…and, of course, Patience doesn’t listen.

Instead, she meets up with Miko at Slauson Cafe and tries to set some boundaries. Miko insists that she’d never do anything to intentionally make Patience uncomfortable and apologizes for having done so. Miko chastises herself for the misstep and Patience tries to assuage her guilt. But when Patience steps away to take a picture with some fans, Stan Miko comes out: she grabs Patience’s phone, unlocks it somehow, and installs spyware that allows her to listen to Patience’s conversations.

Meanwhile, Spencer continues to struggle with his grief over Coach Baker’s death. Coop stops by the beach house to drop Spencer’s brother off and sees firsthand that her best friend’s grief is manifesting as anger. She confront him about what’s going on but he assures her he’s fine and that there’s nothing else to worry about. But she recognizes how Spencer’s pushing away everyone who loves him and encourages him to be honest about his pain. He tells her to back off but Coop continues to press…until Spencer explodes. He scream at her to leave him alone and punches a hole in nearby cabinet. Freaked out by his anger, Coop leaves, and insists on taking Dillon with her. Spencer insists his brother is safe with him but his brother doesn’t agree and leaves with Coop.

“Listen, man, I’ve been rocking with you for way too long,” Coop admits. “I’ve seen every side of you — the good, the bad, the ugly — but this, this Spencer James? I don’t know him, and that scares me.”

The moment is the catalyst that Spencer needs to finally reach out and get professional help. So the next time he crosses paths with Coop — and the rest of his friends and family — he’s fully prepared to accept their comfort and embrace.

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Accused 108: “Esme’s Story”

Written by Natalie

So, I should start out with a warning: Accused is a difficult watch. Not just this episode — which I’m recapping because it stars Aisha Dee and has a lesbian relationship at its center — but all the episodes. The show’s meant to be provocative and it succeeds at its mission but I’m always left wondering: to what end? It’s never been clear to me. But I digress…

Esme “Essie” Brewer is on trial for first degree murder. The prosecutor offers her a deal — second degree murder which would eliminate the possibility of life without parole — but she rejects it outright. She won’t express remorse for something that she doesn’t feel regret over. What’d she do? She killed two white supremacists.

The show flashes back to happier times: Essie with her girlfriend, Aaliyah (Aisha Dee), perusing a local market. They’re happy — blissfully so — until a band of white supremacists show up and launch a protest. Essie tries to pull her girlfriend away but, channeling her inner Kat Edison, Aaliyah tries to draw closer to the protest. When a fight breaks out, Essie finally convinces Aaliyah to leave and just as they do, a speeding car crashes through the crowd. The car strikes one of their friends, leaving him potentially paralyzed, and drives off.

Convinced the police aren’t doing enough to find the driver, Aaliyah tries to find him on her own. She starts online, pretending to be a white supremacist in hopes of crossing paths with someone with information about the hit and run. Essie tries to get Aaliyah to stop, knowing from personal experience how dangerous it is to wade into those waters. But while she’s temporarily distracted, Aaliyah persists with her search until she finds a white supremacist who was at the market that day. Enchanted by the stories that Aaliyah’s concocted — stories based on Essie’s youth, growing up as the child of white supremacists — he tracks her down to see if she’s real. Aaliyah pleads for Essie to go in her place and, eventually, she relents.

She spends time with the bigot, Ancel, first at the bar and then he sends one of his bigot friends, Shaggy, to bring her back to the bigot farm in Upstate New York. Aaliyah urges her not to go but Ancel shared that his group has something big planned and Esme feels obligated to try and stop it…as a way to make amends for her and her family’s sins. Shaggy seems skeptical of Esme immediately but it’s only when he grabs her phone and sees a picture of her and Aaliyah on the lockscreen that he realizes who she is. He was the driver at the market that day and grew incensed when he saw “a white girl, kissing up on her black girlfriend.” He ran into the crowd because of them.

Shaggy threatens to kill Esme but Ancel intercedes. They get into a fight and it gives Esme just enough time to escape in the car that struck their friend. Unbeknownst to Esme, though, she’s driving home with the “something big” in the trunk…and the bomb explodes just outside her apartment, killing multiple people. By the time the police arrive at the farm, the bigots have scattered. Esme finds one of their targets discarded on the ground and notices the name of a gun shop on it. Assuming that the bigots will eventually return to the shop, Esme camps out there in wait. Aaliyah begs her to come home but Esme refuses. When she spots Ancel and Shaggy coming out of the gun shop one night, Esme rams her car right into them.

She’s taken to trial and Aaliyah is forced to testify against her. Aisha Dee gives a heartbreaking performance on the stand — angry but calm and measured — that makes me want to see her in absolutely everything. But Esme’s found guilty anyway…and she’s carted off to prison…and the life that she and Aaliyah had planned to build together will remain just a dream.

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A Million Little Things 508: “Dear Diary”

Written by Natalie

With their engagement cemented, it’s time for Katherine to meet Greta’s parents…or to reintroduce herself to Greta’s parents, to be more precise. After how things between Katherine and Greta ended in high school, Katherine’s anxious that Greta’s parents might still hate her. Greta assures Katherine that they’re over it but, just in case they aren’t, Katherine’s packed enough of Greta’s mom’s favorite candles to lull her into an Autumn Sunset-scented complacency. Greta promises that the weekend will be absolutely perfect but the broken zipper on Katherine’s suitcase says different.

When Katherine arrives at Lon and Lana’s place, she’s still on pins and needles. Lon charges at them, as soon as they arrive, and responds angrily: “You gotta lotta nerve coming back here.” Panicked, Katherine reaches for the speech you know she’s been practicing in her head since they decided to make the trip, but thankfully, Lana intervenes and assures it was just a joke. A Star Wars joke, inspired by Theo’s suitcase that Katherine’s been forced to bring along. They wrap Katherine up in a hug and welcome her into the Strobe family.

Over dinner, Greta’s parents continue their embrace of Katherine. Lana insists that she always felt that there was a special connection between the girls and she’s grateful they found their way back to each other. They all toast to the happy couple. And while, on the surface, everything appears to be going swimmingly, Lon and Lana’s reluctance to tell the story of how they fell in love catches my attention. But Katherine doesn’t notice something’s awry until she happens upon Greta’s parents fighting in the kitchen. Later that night, Katherine tells Greta what she saw but Greta shrugs it off — “married people fight,” she says — and convinces Katherine that she’s just looking for stuff that’s not there.

But the next day when Lon, Lana, Katherine and Greta gather to take their Hannukah photo, she notices a notification from a dating app on her father’s phone. She questions her father about it and he assures her he’s not cheating on her mother. Lon and Lana finally come clean: they’re separating but had tried to keep it a secret so as not to upset Greta’s happiness. Greta’s stunned by the admission. She thought her parents’ relationship was solid and wonders what chance she has if they can’t make it work.

“Listen to me,” Katherine insists. “That’s not gonna be us, okay?…Because we both got it wrong before and we’re gonna get it right this time.”

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Good Trouble 503: “About Damn Time”

Written by Natalie

I really hoped, after last week’s episode, that Good Trouble had turned the corner…that last season’s tone derivation was an anomaly…that the reunion between the Adams Foster sisters was a harbinger of better things to come. But then this week’s episode opened with a drug deal — from packaging to delivery — and I realize that this is just how it’s gonna be now. This is what we’re doing…and I absolutely hate it. But there is a bit of positive news from this week’s episode: first, the theme song is back (much to my relief) and second — and this is the most important thing — THE MAMAS ARE COMING! Now, admittedly, the fact that Stef and Lena aren’t in Los Angeles immediately following the shooting strains credulity but, at this point, I’ll take what I can get.

Here’s what you need to know to get ready for the Mamas’ arrival next week:

While Evan’s recovering from his gun shot wound, Mariana’s been left in charge of his company and his medical decisions. Stepping back into the halls of Speckulate is hard: the bro-hole culture at the company persists, thanks in large part to Dylan, the company’s chief communications officer. When one Speckulate employee asks about lay-offs during the all-staff meeting, Dylan assures everyone that the layoffs are just rumors and no one should worry. But privately, Dylan tells Mariana that the rumors are true and she’s the one who needs to make the decision about which 25 people are laid off.

She returns to the hospital and wonders if she should tell people at Speckulate the truth about what happened. But Evan’s ghost reminds her that sharing the information would only undermine their confidence in her. She notes that the layoffs are going to do that on their own but Ghost Evan assures her that she’ll think of something, she always does. She admits that she’s so afraid of failing him and Ghost Evan simply responds, “then don’t.”

But a conversation with Dennis, as she’s getting ready for work, sparks an idea. Instead of getting rid of 25 low-level employees, she ousts three of Speckulate’s VPs, much to Dylan’s chagrin. He tries to get her to reconsider — tacitly threatening her with a reminder of the upcoming vote about her tenure as CEO — but Mariana stands firm (and looks great doing it!). Dylan begrudingly fires the underperforming VPs but assures them that they’ll be rehired when the board ousts Mariana. Her bold move earns Mariana the respect of her employees, though, and she leaves Speckulate later with her head held high.

Unfortunately, her good mood is undone by Evan’s doctor who reports that Mariana’s ex needs surgery immediately — the bullet kniicked his spine — or he may end up paralyzed. He warns Mariana that the surgery isn’t without its own risks and notes that Evan might not survive. Evan’s sister refuses to make the decision so the choice falls to Mariana. Unsure about what to do, she calls the people she knows can help her make a decision: her Mamas.

Meanwhile, Malika continues to strive for work/life balance in her new job but, unbeknownst to her, that just means that assignments that Lucia needs done ASAP fall to other people in the office. While Tracy works to get Lucia the report she needs, Malika spends time reconnecting with her brother, Dom. The siblings update each other on the details of their lives and he presses Malika about work and her relationship with Angelica. Malika admits that their connection caught her by surprise — she didn’t know she was into ladies — but it doesn’t matter because she works too much. Dom suggest that she stop by Duoro on Thursday, when both he and Angelica are scheduled to work, and show her that she’s achieved new balance between work and her personal life.

At work the next day, Tracy drops the report she had to stay late to finish on Malika’s desk. She laments that Malika got the promotion but she’s the one that’s being forced to do the work. Malika confesses that she had know idea and relays that Lucia told her it could wait until morning. Later, Malika approaches Tracy with a peace offering and apologizes for Lucia asking Tracy to do Malika’s work. However, she refuses to apologize for taking the promotion and criticizes Tracy for being salty about it. She notes that when she first arrived Tracy was indifferent to their work — she insisted she was just there for the benefits and job security — but Tracy confesses that that was just a defense mechanism. Malika encourages her to vocalize her amibition in the future and promises to team with her to get her noticed.

Later, Malika confronts Lucia about passing off her work to other staffers but Lucia insists that it’s a consequence of the boundaries that Malika set. It’s enough to make Malika let go of her firm grasp on those boundaries so, instead of heading to Duoro to show off for Angelica, Malika spends the night in, writing a memo for Lucia.

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Gotham Knights Episode 103: “Under Pressure”

Written by Valerie Anne

This episode is about a gang called the Mutant Gang, which is NOT the owl-themed group they have been talking about for two episodes, and may or may not involve actual mutants. They’re going to attack a gala that Stephanie is attending, so the teens have to work together to stop it.

Also, Cullen infiltrates the precinct to try to steal files, and somehow his disguise works even though he looks like a little boy dressed in his dad’s uniform. This convinces his sister to stop being overprotective, though Harper promises him that she’s always known her brother is a badass.

Once faced with a bomb Turner almost accidentally sets off on account of being useless, science-babe Harper and hacker-extraordinaire Stephanie join forces to try to dismantle it. They sass each other about what to do, both relying on their own expertise, neither of them being able to find a solution, until they’re finally out of time and Stephanie takes a swing and cuts a wire, just in time to save the day. Harper is pissed, and Stephanie doesn’t understand; it worked, didn’t it? Harper somehow concludes that Stephanie choosing her faster solution means that she thinks Harper’s solution that they literally did not have time for was bad and therefore Stephanie thinks she’s better than her. She tells Stephanie to look down at her from elsewhere and stomps off, leaving both Stephanie and me confused about what her entire deal is. Based on what I know about the Rules of CWTV, probably this means they’re going to have a princess-and-the-pauper romance, and I really wish I cared more about this show as a whole, because two smart cookies from two different worlds could have been fun if I didn’t also have to suffer a white man giving cheesy speeches about hope and a teen boy whining about how his daddy didn’t pick him to be his special little bat boy.

Other random thoughts I had that I don’t have room to unpack: Brody’s mom is hot. I like that Duella calls Robin “little bird.” I’m doing my best to stop comparing this show to Batwoman/blaming it for Batwoman’s untimely demise but it’s hard when they have a girl with a batarang! Don’t get me wrong, Robin is an adorable little badass, but the batarang scene just made me miss Ryan Wilder. Also, it’s hard to not miss Sophie, who realized she couldn’t fix the system by participating in it, when she was replaced by Harvey Dent, the chief of the corrupt GCPD who is not only participating in it, but doubling down on it by running for mayor.

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How I Met Your Father Episode 210 & 211: “I’m His Swish” & “Daddy”

Written by Valerie Anne

This week is a double feature!

In the first episode of the set, Ellen hangs out with her brother to cheer them both up since they’re both blue; Jesse because Sophie has a new man, and Ellen because Rachel is still out of town.

But while Jesse is ordering a pizza for them, Rachel calls and says she’s on her way home because she can’t deal with her aunt’s “don’t say gay” friends in Florida. Ellen doesn’t want to bail on her brother, so while he goes downstairs to get the pizza, Rachel sneaks in. When Jesse goes to look for his sister, he gets more than he bargained for, because Ellen and Rachel are fooling around in his bed.

Ellen panics and apologizes and promises it wasn’t her boob he saw and when Rachel makes a joke about how at least someone’s using it. They then embark on my least favorite joke on TV which is “he hasn’t had sex in weeks, what a loser!” So Ellen and Rachel become his wingman, and he finds someone to take home, but she’s immediately turned off when she finds his sister’s bra in his bed.

The second episode is Ellen-light, but has guest appearances by Paget Brewster as Sophie’s mom in a flashback, and Neil Patrick-Harris as Barney Stintson, who Sophie accidentally rear-ends when she is running away from her new boyfriend because she’s afraid he’s actually her bio dad. Barney is intrigued by this potential incest and offers to wave the cost of fixing his car if she tells him her story, so she does. It turns out her boyfriend wasn’t her father, but he did hook up with her mom, and Sophie can’t get past that enough to continue dating him. Barney tells Sophie that finding her long lost father isn’t going to fix all her problems; she has to fix herself, and then maybe she can find room for her father in her life. That said, learning how Barney found his father later in life inspires her, and she tells her friends she wants to find her father, and they all promise to help.

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The Watchful Eye Episode 110: “Hale Fellow Well Met”

Written by Valerie Anne

In the season finale of The Watchful Eye, chaos erupts. James locks Alex in his bathroom, Elena’s mother blackmails her for half the money she’s getting from blackmailing Mrs. Ivy, and Matthew is being accused of killing Allie.

Kim calls Alex because even though she’s miles away from her best friend, she knows something is off because Alex was a no-show at work and that’s very unlike them; also she tracked their phone and they’ve been at James’ apartment. So Ginny and Roman go to check on Alex, and when they get there they find out that Elena has been kidnapped by him, too. They manage to overtake him and free Alex and call the cops and James admits he’s been extorting the Greybournes but had nothing to do with Allie’s death.

Elena goes to Tory to try to get her to believe her that Matthew didn’t kill her sister, but that she thinks someone did, and offers Tory a deal: she’ll tell her everything she knows for $5 million. Tory agrees, and Elena tells her everything she’s learned about Mrs. Ivy’s true identity. Tory starts to have a bit of a breakdown and goes to confront her aunt, but Mrs. Ivy turns the blame to Tory’s husband. That he was just supposed to keep her from trying to open the trust to a new branch of the family, but he took things too far. When Tory leaves, Jocelyn’s ghost tells her Ruby she’s ashamed of her, but Mrs. Ivy says that’s not her name and ignores her mother’s voice.

Ginny takes Alex back to her apartment and comforts them when they are startled by a knock at the door. Turns out, it’s Kim, who is happy to see her best friend and her best girl safe and sound. They all decide it’s time to talk about Elena.

Meanwhile, Bennett takes off with Roman, and Darcy admits she forged the note that blames Matthew for Allie’s death, and the detective steals the birth certificate and calls Elena’s mom. Elena steals a quiet moment with Jasper to play with him and keep him smiling, and looks up to see Allie’s ghost standing in the doorway; she smiles approvingly at Elena before disappearing.

Across the hall, Tory brings her husband a smoothie and after he’s taken a few gulps, flat-out asks him if he killed her sister. See, she poisoned the smoothie and will only give him the antidote if he tells her the truth. He says he just wanted to scare Allie by drugging her but it gave her suicidal ideations and he didn’t stop her when she climbed up onto the windowsill. The doorman had seen him, which is why he had to die. Tory gives him the antidote but then the dummy keeps talking. Calls Allie “the pretty one” and claims Tory secretly wanted Allie to die. But Tory sure did not, and she proves it by stabbing him to death.

When Elena goes to find Tory to tell her about the forged note, she finds Tory standing over her husband’s dead body. Tory says, very matter-of-factly, “We’re gonna need a shovel,” and that’s where the season ends. Whew! What a ride.

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