The Comment Awards Are Eating Your Waffles

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OH. MY. GOODNESS. I went to the redwoods and while I was gone, you all did me proud by commenting so much my browser had trouble loading the Comment Awards when I got back! You all are perfect miracles. Let’s move to Oregon together.

This week, Kayla wrote something very important about Charlize Theron’s coats from Atomic Blonde.

Erin won a bet with Mitch McConnell, a melting candle of a lawmaker who now owes her at least one Lesbian Vampire tampon case.

You all went on vacation in the latest Community Gallery!

Faith is amazing, this is amazing: Top 8 TV Moms To U-Haul With Right Now.

So how did you celebrate #NationalGirlfriendDay?

I relate to this on every level. Especially the floor-level.

Kristen Stewart doesn’t want to just eat grilled cheese. (Unrelated, but if you told me that Stella Maxwell’s face was a literal grilled cheese sandwich, I wouldn’t be able to correct you. WHAT DOES SHE LOOK LIKE? Stef’s been no help.)

And then there were your comments!

On Every Coat Worn By Charlize Theron in “Atomic Blonde,” Ranked:

The Stacey and Clinton Award to Chandra:

But remember: wearing a blood-spattered white raincoat after Labour Day is a fashion faux pas.

On Grease Bats: Gold Star Slut:

The Summer Lovin’ Award to Kit, Kris H, and Mey:

HOT DATES AND CASUAL COCAINE WHY CANT I BUY MERCHANDISE WITH LOGOS LIKE THIS IM NOT MAD IM EXCITED

On Take Our New Updated Autostraddle House of Style Survey!

The Star-Sixty-Nine Award to Caitlin:

*Survey monkey slider is slid over to the Femme side until it's resting on number 69.* Caitlin: Snickers

On Y’All Need Help #7: On Gently Obliterating Hearts:

The Soup’s Up Award to Charlotte:

After three (3) paragraphs of soup metaphors: “In other words, no relationship is perfect

On Top 8 TV Moms To U-Haul With Right Now:

The Commitment(s) Award to amidola:

Mrs.S We’d go for steak dinner in flannel overshirts and end up uhauling in a drafty trailer when, for some inexplicable reason, we’d have to get the hell out of dodge with her 15 identical (and one not) children and four magical grandkids.

On Here’s Who Got #NationalGirlfriendDay Right On Twitter:

The Sk8er Girl Award to Carmen SanDiego:

Hey hey you you I don’t like your (wrong use of the word) girlfriend. No way no way I think you need a new use. Hey hey K Stew I could be your girlfriend

The Waffles Award to Raquel:

GALENTINES DAY IS OURS NOW

On Be Your Own Dream Daddy in the Dad Dating Simulator of All Our Dreams:

The Mind Saying No, Heart Saying Yes Award to Emily:

I went into this article 100% expecting it to be #fakenews and it’s real and I can’t believe it. I’m so tempted and so confused.

And on Also.Also.Also: Throw All Your Homophobic Bulleit Bourbon in a River I Guess and Other Stories You Can’t Miss:

The Blended Canadian Award to AnnieStinkle:

I’m just glad the story wasn’t about my favorite Pendleton whisky. You might say it was a… Bulleit dodged.

See a funny or amazing comment that needs to be here? E-mail me at queergirlblogs [at] gmail [dot] com!

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Darcy

Darcy, a.k.a. Queer Girl, is your number one fan. They're a fat feminist from California who doodles hearts in the corners of their Gay Agenda. They're living through a pandemic, they're on Twitter, and they think you should drink more water! They also wanna make you laugh.

Darcy has written 376 articles for us.

231 Comments

  3. So, what toppings do you put on your Hot Dog? I stand by my belief that hot dogs are a form of American tacos
    But then again I’m one of those people that eats it with no toppings, at the most I will add some mayo.

      • I’m Brazilian. In Sao Paulo people put everything including mashed potato and quail eggs on hot dogs
        We are a peculiar people

        • I have to agree that mayo is kind of gross, except in certain specific cases like egg salad (but even then should be used in moderation).

          • Yes, you do need it when mixing certain things, and I’ll have it on an avocado sandwich, but otherwise I avoid it. My mom, though, mixes ketchup and mayo and likes to put that on hot dogs and hamburgers.

    • The one and only time I had food poisoning was from a hot dog, so I stay FAR AWAY from them.

      • If I stayed away from all foods that had given me food poisoning I wouldn’t be able to eat anything. I’ve had it like ten times. :(

        • Oh no! That’s horrible! I’m glad I’ve only had it once. I was only 6, though, and the next day we were supposed to fly down to Southern California for a wedding where I was flower girl. So all in all it was a pretty traumatic experience. I have had hot dogs since (like at barbecues where it’s the only thing on the menu), but I rarely eat them on purpose.

          • Yeah, this is why I’m super picky about leftovers. My worst experience was at a farm in Costa Rica where I was staying with a group of hippie volunteers. I had some leftovers for lunch from the previous night’s potluck, and a few hours later got really sick. Meanwhile, everybody else had decided to take mushrooms that night, so there I was lying on the couch feeling like my body was turning itself inside out while everyone around me was tripping out of their minds. And of course, they all assumed I was sick because of the mushrooms even though I was the only person who didn’t have any.

          • That sounds absolutely awful. Especially not being at home and around people who really had no clue what was going on. I’m surprised I never had food poisoning when I lived with my ex. She would make big pots of food to freeze, but we only had so many tubs for freezing. So she would freeze stuff in bowls, then transfer them to plastic bags, but of course this took a while and the food would sit on the stove for DAYS. She was like “It has a lid, NBD.” :/

    • I don’t think hot doGs are anything like tacos. Different meat, different seasoning and toppings, soft bun instead of hard shell that crumbles on the first bite.

      I like to put chilli and cheese or BBQ sauce and cheese on my hot dogs

      • Same format, you put the meat of your preference in the middle and add toppings…
        Of course hot dogs are actually German but America took it and made it theirs.

    • I like my veggie dogs with cheese, bbq sauce, relish, mustard, sauerkraut and olives. I would maybe put a thin smear of mayo on one side of the bun if other condiments were lacking, but in general I do not do this.

      If hotdogs are American tacos, and taco salad is taco ingredients mixed up in a dish, then does that mean hotdog casseroles are American taco salads?

    • Ketchup.
      Which I know is just as controversial as my other favourite, pineapple pizza but…
      Also damn you I’m hungry for hotdog now lol.

    • I’m from Chicago so I’m contractually obligated to like mustard and hate ketchup on my hotdogs.

      But I don’t actually care for most toppings. My idea of hot dog heaven is a grilled brat (that’s a bratwurst) with grilled onions and a gluten free bun or no bun at all.

      (and can I just mention that I’m glad that I moved to Chicago a) when I was young and b) before I was diagnosed with celiac so I could sample all of Chicago’s culinary delicacies without worrying about gluten or grease or cholesterol?)

    • Last week on Autostraddle: doughnuts and pineapple on pizza

      This week: appropriate hotdog toppings

      Join us next week for the next in our series,
      “What breakfast food reminds you of sex?”

    • I guess it’s a South American thing because in Argentina we add Mayo to almost every edible thing.

      But come on, you all can’t be so harsh to @carmensandiego, just remember that most Americans add ketchup to everything and yes, some of you think that ketchup is a real choice to use with spaghettis (in the holy name of everything sacred, who the fuck had that brilliant idea??????????????!!!!!!!!)

      • I only put ketchup on burgers and fries. But when I went to Greece I had a pizza with ketchup instead of pizza sauce. I didn’t get it that way on purpose, it just came that way.

  4. I’m thinking about asking a question that might be considered strange/inappropriate. Should I?

    • Alright! Just remember you asked for it!

      If you could fuck and mythical creature what would it be?

        • Can I have one as a pet? I would like a pet sphinx. We could have conversations and solve riddles and I would give it belly rubs

      • The fact that I have an answer probably says a looooot about my reading tastes.

        Umm. Anyways.

        I’d like to sleep with a mermaid. And maybe date a dragon.

        • And now you have me wondering about the logistics of sleeping with a mermaid, which isn’t a train of thought I ever considered contemplating before, but here we are.

          I mean, apart from the obvious (where are the fun bits… located?), would you have to stay underwater the whole time? Presumably then with some kind of breathing apparatus? But wouldn’t that get in the way of… certain activities?

          • No they can sit on rocks. So take it in turns I guess?
            Also they have hands, boobs & mouths so I’m sure there’s plenty to do w that without getting into their fishbits. You can even lie on a rock while they’re partly in the submerged water.
            I’m thinking too much about this one lol.

          • That all sounds a bit non-reciprocal. Though I guess it could work if there were some kind of stone butch mermaid / rock-pillow princess dynamic going on.

            Ok, definitely overthinking this now. Moving along!

          • Ask Google and you shall receive!

            How mermaids reproduce
            ======================

            Females have human internal reproduction organs; however the vagina is slightly
            shorter, and the common urogenital opening (the urethra merges with the vaginal
            canal near the opening) is at the front. The opening can stretch as much as a
            human vaginal opening; mermaid babies are born live (as opposed to hatched from
            eggs). A clitoris (which is the same color as the tail) is slightly below the
            urogenital opening, and an anus is above the urogenital opening. Mermaid
            vaginas are slightly smaller than human ones (since male mermaid penises are
            smaller, explained below), so they tend to be more sexually satisfying to human
            males.

            Males do have a penis, but it is almost as small as a human female clitoris and
            is the same color as the tail; it is hardly visible (this is the only plausible
            explanation to why no one has ever seen a penis on any of the male mermaids).
            It is used for urination, as well as sexual intercourse. The testicles are
            inside the tail, as opposed to the pelvis, since they require a slightly lower
            temperature to function properly (the human and pelvis part is warm-blooded,
            but the tail is cold-blooded). The anus is above the penis.

          • Definitely more than I wanted to ever, ever read about the supposed specifics of mermaid genitals!

          • Last week potato ice cream, this week mermaid genitals. In the Comment Award comments, you just never know what you’re going to learn.

          • I’m trying to remember the specifics of mermaid sex from Seafarer’s Kiss, but it’s YA and the sex is pretty fade to black. Although the mermaid in question does sun herself on rocks and has some sexy times with a Viking shield-maiden who’s stranded on the ice – I think they roll around on a fur or something. It’s a queer retelling of The Little Mermaid from Ursula’s point of view, with Norse mythology, beluga whales and Vikings. It’s darker and bloodier than I expected but I enjoyed it and thought the bi-mermaid representation was good (did read a review by a trans reader who was disappointed in the trans/non-binary rep – Loki is the only nb character and they are pretty evil).

            Also, according to the rather hilarious comment section of this review of an mf mermaid romance that I read ages ago (note – I read the review not the book), mermaid genitals (male and female) are protected by their scales, so they don’t get their delicate bits scraped by rocks or corals (http://dearauthor.com/book-reviews/overall-b-reviews/review-a-mermaids-kiss-by-joey-hill/)

    • Actually there’s a ghost in this house with the same name as my gf so another question could be ‘which supernatural creature are you most LIKELY to fuck?’
      So far though she’s had no physical content just been a poltergeist who throws pictures off walls & gets letters. It’s her ghost cat who’s been pouncing on ppl & rubbing up against legs. Ghost cats are too close to being real cats so obviously that’s a no-no.
      (open relationship & pretty sure you can’t cheat w a ghost anyway…)

        • Yeah, a lesbian/bi/pan ghost too! (not sure which). We found love letters.
          Since 67 this house has only been lived in by queer ppl & before that (confirmed old) bachelors… I’m not sure why & we only found out after we got it for me.
          I’m not sure if she’s a woman or they’re non binary actually as my ghost’s middle name is Michael.
          It’s confusing the hell out of my skeptic stepdad. Esp the ghost cat who leaps on ppl to wake them up even though we have no cats here. Feels just like a living cat. Me and mum just accept that they’re ghosts. Ghost cat better get on with my living cat when she moves in.

        • I once wrote a short story about a woman who falls in love with a ghost. She didn’t sleep with it though.

  7. Today is national chocolate chip cookie day!
    Chocolate chip is the best cookie. Treat yourself and have one today. It’s Friday, you deserve it

  9. Remember when the Comment Awards used to only get like 4 comments?

    In all seriousness though, I’ve had a rough couple of weeks, and this tiny little corner of the Internet has been one of my few happy places. So thank you guys <3

  10. Yowsa, so many comments. This must be the New Friday Open Thread. Anyway, I’d like to say thanks for this comment award, but truly, we’re all winners.

  11. ok, so I did witnessed several food fights and I’ve been waiting for this (it could be a meh debate or the beginning of WWIII):

    C O F F E E

    So, let’s see:

    – why do people call barista the person behind the counter? Do you call a waitress/waiter Sommelier just because they served you wine?

    – what the hell is a coffee snob? A person who can order a bunch of crap with a simple cup of coffee? I considered myself a coffee snob and I can’t even look at a Nespresso machine because for me it’s a sacrilege. By the way, the crap added only tries to hide the fucking burnt coffee.

    – the only time you should get a plastic cup is in a “to go” situation. This means that, IF I SIT IN THE FUCKING PLACE I SHOULD ALWAYS GET A REAL, HONEST TO GOD, CUP!!!!!!!!!!!

    End of rant.

      • Come on, Chandra. You and Carmen have been an inspiration with these debates, I expected a little more or at least “coffee gives me diarrhea” (yeah, a little personal but you know what I mean).

        And tea is for the WEAK!!!!!!!!!

        Who the hell can wake up at 5am with a cup of tea and not a ristretto?

        • Ok fine:

          Caffeine is the gut-rotting drug of the mindless sheeple! You want to talk about WEAK? I wake up at 5 a.m. with only a cup of herbal tea and the sheer force of my iron will like a valkyrie rising into the Norse skies. COFFEE IS FOR SPINELESS LOSERS!!

          Better?

          • Herbal tea? Oh, come on, that’s even worst, it’s like drinking hot water + grass, and not even the good kind of grass.

          • You’re only saying that because you’re one of the caffeine-brainwashed zombie masses!

            (Ok look, the truth is that I actually love coffee and wish I could drink it more often, but I can’t because the caffeine plays havoc with my nerves and guts. So I’m just going to sulk away into the shadows with my cup of peppermint tea and glare at you)

      • Tea is better than coffee but malteasers hot chocolate is the best one & I pity non Brits cos I’m pretty sure that’s a local thing. Not even sure if rest of world has horlicks.

    • As long as my coffee is good and hot I don’t care who serves it, where it comes from, or what it’s served in (though preferably some kind of cup :P ) Just don’t tell me I’m poisoning my body by drinking it! I’m looking at you girl who doesn’t like me at work *grumble*

      • “poisoning my body by drinking it”, that sounds like a reborn christian. Always the same thing. Besides the bible, reborn christians have some kind of manual with common phrases and shit?

          • My mother has recently become a vegan and now it’s all she talks about. I mean, we could be having a conversation about the car’s need for a new set of tires and she will find a way to bring it back to veganism.
            I shudder at the thought of her becoming a born-again Christian.
            Or a marathon runner!

          • It’s not like being vegan is a bad thing, but when you’re looked down upon, and told your drinking poison, it’s not cool.

          • Since when is coffee not vegan anyway? This just sounds like an annoying person regardless of her dietary preferences.

          • I think black coffee would be vegan. Or coffee with soy milk or other non-dairy creamer. But I guess because caffeine is a stimulant it’s a drug. She’s anti-alcohol, also. She’s just one of those people who finds fault with EVERYTHING and it’s annoying as hell! I’m a good person, damn it. I just happen to like coffee and alcohol and meat!

    • In the immortal words of the great philosopher David Grohl: I’ve got another confession to make.
      I don’t drink coffee.
      Shocking I know, I’m a bad Brazilian. I don’t drink coffee or beer, I don’t like the beach and I can’t dance. If I didn’t love soccer they would probably strip me of my citizenship

      • Well, I hate mate (the infusion), I don’t considered Carlos Gardel the best tango singer that ever existed and futbol kinda bores me.

        My citizenship stands by a little thread that is my love for asado.

        • Asado. One of the greatest things I’ve ever eaten
          I’m a mild River Plate fan
          But I agree with you about mate, though.

          • River Plate? That can’t be. That’s my team, because, in all fairness, futbol in my country is kinda like catholicism, you know, you get baptized but you’re never really part of the thing (in that situation I’m a gold member atheist, my parents asked me if I wanted to get baptized and I say no way in hell).

    • – Barista: good question. I don’t know why they’re called that
      – people are proud of being coffee snobs! It’s like they are a sommelier of coffee, or those people really into beer and micro-breweries stuff
      – as a business person connected hospitality industry: because then you need a busser to collect the cups and a dishwasher to wash them. It increases your labor costs and all things associated with it. It’s cheaper to just throw away paper cups.

  12. Following @iskout suggestion above, who would you cast on a remake of Fried Green Tomatoes’ Ruth & Idgie other than Mary Louise Parker and Mary Stuart Masterson?

    • I’m going to need some time to get back on this one… Ooh, but maybe Ali Liebert as Idgie?

    • All of a sudden I need a Fried Green Tomatoes remake.
      The Alicia Debnam Carey/Eliza Taylor reunion we’ve all been waiting for..
      Also, wow, come to think of it, that story would work brilliantly in a Bering&Wells and Swanqueen setting as well..

    • Idgie = Karen Gillian (Nebula in Guardians of the Galaxy aka my secret evil girlfriend)

      And I like Natalie Portman as Ruth

  13. Speaking of not knowing what Stella Maxwell looks like: I saw a Victoria’s Secret commercial the other day that had some blonde girl in it and I asked my parents if that was Kristen Stewart’s girlfriend bc, for some reason unknown to me, I thought they would know. But my dad said he didn’t know K Stew was a lesbian and my mom said she didn’t even know who K Stew was. I’m not sure that they’re my real parents tbh

  14. Thank you so much! So happy I got to Mrs.S first (in the comment thread).
    Sorry for not participating much, but I spontaneously ended up at Amsterdam Pride this weekend, so I’m sending you this larger than life Diva to say Hi!

    Have a good weekend everyone!

  16. Whenever I see a post with an unusually high comment count and it’s not a biphobic flame war, MRA trolls, Christo-fascist dancing hotdogs or a 2011 timewarp, I assume it must be a bunch of people getting really angry about waiting ages for the bathroom because people are having sex in it.

    I’m beyond delighted that in this case, it’s because of the important work of recasting Friend Green Tomatoes, with a minor diversion into mythical beast sex.

    One could argue that Fried Green Tomatoes (which I’ve never fully seen; disown me now) doesn’t really need a remake. I’d rather save that for incredibly straight films that could use some serious queering.

    Brittani Nichols as Indiana Jones?

    Or KStew and Amandla Steinberg in Grease? (who cares if they can sing)

    Or why not combine the recasting and the mythical creatures threads, with a remake of Harry Harryhausen-era Sinbad films featuring Cara Delevagina and a harem of stop-motion harpies?

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