My name is Rachel, and I’m a bitch for Target. I really am. I applied to work there like, three times when I was in high school. They did not want me, but I still want them. I pay close attention to rebrands (yes, it’s the Karen within me) so I was very curious when Market Pantry (RIP) became Good and Gather, the more trendy, brightly-colored younger sister of MP. This quarantine, I have been trying my damndest to stop my online shopping habit, but I’m also trying to avoid going to the store and staring at the snack aisle, and so, meet my new love: digitally browsing the online snack aisle at Target.

Here’s what I do. I go to Target on my app (because, again, Karen), and I search Good and Gather and then I filter for snacks (aka Chips, Snacks, & Cookies) and then I gawk at all of the beautiful packaging and the little baby snacks within that promise to fill my soul. It also reminds me of grocery shopping with my mom. I miss her. Sue me.

Here is a definitive ranking of Good and Gather, because I am an expert. And I have started to eat a lot of snacks. Because nothing says “pandemic” more than reverting back to my middle school eating habits because, again, I miss my mother!

Also: I am obviously hugely privileged to be able to work from home (I’m an editor who works remotely, always) and to have the money to spend on snacks. I try to pay it forward by donating to different fundraisers I see popping up on Twitter and buying masks for my friends. It’s a weird ass time and I hope that this will at least make you smile or make you feel good about snacking considering all of the bullshit discourse happening among the Very Online regarding snacking during quarantine. Take it from someone who has been working from home for like, five years. No, you don’t have to wear real clothes. No, it’s not bad to wear sweats all day. No, you don’t need to make a salad and drink water. Yes, you can wear the same sweats every single day and eat snacks all day long and not give a fuck because we’re in hell and if all you do is survive right now, you’re doing amazing, and I will fight those people who say you’re not for you.

Anyway. On to the snacks.

(Note: I tried to only choose snacks that are available for shipping so you don’t have to go anywhere. Hopefully, they won’t sell out. Also, this isn’t spon con, I’m just a fucking weirdo who doesn’t like to expand her snack supply.)

1. These little baby nut clusters, $2.99

Did you hear the phrase little baby nut clusters? Are you not convinced? Anyway, I never thought anything would get me to eat pumpkin seeds and currants, but these are very good. They are also gluten free, for the GF among us. I like these because they come in a reclosable pouch in case you don’t eat them all, and they are just the right amount of sweet. They are also small enough that you won’t end up spilling them all down your sweats so you can re-wear them tomorrow.

2. This large bag of dark chocolate almonds, $5.99

I live for dark chocolate anything, but especially almonds. This is a decent sized bag for the price (especially since almonds are so pricey) and I like to just keep these at my desk for snacking whenever I want. It’s like eating candy all day, but I can pretend I’m getting my protein, too.

3. Also milk chocolate cashews, $5.99

A lesser food. Milk chocolate gives me zits and cashews are gross. But they do in a pinch and aren’t actually bad. I’m just a snob.

4. These dried out and then sugared strawberries, $3.99

I can’t eat fruit fast enough for it to not go bad. These are sweet as hell in a kind of chemical-y way that I enjoy, and they are nice and crunchy, but they also do that thing where you can hold them in your mouth and then they kind of melt. Imagine Pop Rocks, but fruit. A damn delight.

5. This bag of sea salt popcorn, $2.49

I never thought I’d be one of those women in her twenties who eats plain popcorn, but these are at least sea salt so I feel a little bit less like I’m in a romantic comedy.

6. These kettle chips, $2.19

I will never eat a plain potato chip, but you can drown me in some kettle chips. They are so crunchy! They are so filling! They are so fun to eat! Just remember to turn down the volume on your Zoom call while you snack so no one hates you.

7. This variety pack of fruit strips, $9.99

You know how we all had that one kid who actually enjoyed eating fruit leather in the cafeteria? That was me. I’d finish up my plain bagel (the only thing I’d eat as a lunch for years, I was a weird kid, whatever), and then on those rare days where fruit leather was somehow populated before me, I’d pretend not to like it and then truly wolf it down. I’m a vegetarian, and I’ve always hated meat, but there’s something about these leathery rectangles that deeply appeals to my palate. Also, this comes with three different kinds so you can try them all or you can be like me and grab one of each and stack them on your desk for an all-day-long snackstravaganza.

8. These apple cinnamon fruit bars, $2.69

Remember when I talked about my pandemic anxiety sucking me into childhood? Yeah, that’s where these babies come in. They are so mushy and grainy and clearly meant to provide nutrients for children, and I have at least one every single day. I have tried every single one, and this feels the most mom-put-this-in-my-lunch-box even though I for sure stopped having a lunchbox like… two decades ago, and also did my mom even make my lunch? Is that something I’ve dreamed up from watching too many Freeform family shows (shout out to my imaginary additional parents, Stef and Lena Adams Foster).

9. These chocolate chip nutrition bars, $4.19

I can’t tell if these are good. They have dates, so they probably aren’t. But my mouth really likes them and their smooshiness.

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