Nine Important Excerpts From Editorial Conversations

Vanessa: weird question, do we have an affiliate link for a bidet
Kayla Kumari: You can check any of our affiliates for a bidet. Like bed bath & beyond or Target maybe
Niko Stratis: We need to get that Tushy money
Stef Rubino: gotta say… really loving the phrase “tushy money”
Vanessa: 🍑💵
Niko Stratis: Getting a tattoo that just says tushy money and has those emojis

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Laneia: Just as an update [redacted] was able to update the gift message for Nicole’s [redacted]!
Heather: i was thinking of trading dana evans for naz but i only have two trades left for the whole week. sally doesn’t have many comm cup players but enough to make a dent in my lead.
Riese: lolol where did you mean to send that
Heather: nope! wrong channel! sorry!
to natalie!
Riese: hahahahaha
Heather: i’m sorry!
Riese: i was like ok follow your heart heather!!
Heather: hahahaha
Riese: do your two trades!!!
Heather: i am laughing so hard
Riese: i think you should do the trades heather
Laneia: wow yeah supporting whatever you decide to do here
Riese: trade dana evans for naz
Heather: i’m gonna!
Laneia: seems tough!
Riese: you have my blessing
Kayla: lmao
Riese: although… sally could make a dent in your lead
Heather: my face is so hot, i am never blushing
wow!
Riese: hahahahahaha
Heather: okay well i’m gonna make these trades! good talk, sports fam!
Laneia: ok but of all the wrong channel dm situations that could happen, i think this one is lovely
Riese: i wish you nothing but best!!!!!!

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Laneia: i um… idk maybe this is of personal interest to someone here and who am i to deny you
[Email with subject line that reads: “INTERVIEW OPP – First Openly Gay Drag Racer to Debut at NHRA Nationals“]
“Just like the city of Topeka, the sport of NHRA drag racing is an unexpectedly welcoming and diverse place” y’all ever heard such an endorsement of both a city and a motorsport? i don’t think so
Stef Rubino: lmao who knew!!
Ro: How often do you think this guy has to explain that he doesn’t do “that kind of drag race?”
Laneia: for my money that would be the best part of the whole situation
Drew: He should use that for publicity and try to get on the show
Stef Rubino: a drag racer who also does drag would be pretty dope, i’m here for it
Drew: “For this week’s challenge we have Travis Shumake, Topeka’s own openly gay drag racer, to teach you all how to do the other kind of drag race.”
Riese: i was like “wait don’t they mean the first openly straight drag racer and didn’t that happen last year”

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Carmen: I have never seen this in our top 25 before and I am so happy for these three people and whatever they google searched to get here 🥲

Honestly with how to masturbate like a champ right after it?
Iconic

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Nicole: gotta say that whenever i see an angelina jolie movie in the Insider folder i’m like “i bet that’s carmen” and i am always right
Carmen: lmaaaooooo oh noooooooooo

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[On the topic of Stardew Valley]

Viv: ok marrying Leah is such a wrong move FYI
she only gives you wine and salad as daily gifts
Kayla Kumari: LMAO
Viv: i spent 200k turning her and the kids into doves
and then quit the game
Anya: beautiful sentence
Kayla Kumari: is the point of the game to date/marry?
Viv: no there’s not really a point
but i did end up changing my goal of creating a beautiful desert oasis into a mass-producing automated farm making hundreds every day
Anya: relatable
Viv: and then married for looks and ended up regretting everything
i poured like 150 hours into this game lol
oh but to keep the marriage alive you have to give ur spouse a kiss every day
Riese: this is a solid practice i think
Viv: but this betch was giving me wine and salad at her highest
Nicole: can’t you divorce them?
Viv: no but you can go into a sewer and pay a sorcerer to transform them into doves
Anya: 50% of marriages end in one partner turning the other into a dove
that’s just the state of america these days

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Riese: i created a “real housewives” tag
Kayla: wow i love this sentence
i take this as tacit encouragement to write about the housewives more often
Laneia: not sure how else you could interpret this yeah

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Carmen: I swear this is film related (it’s for my Thor review) but is it, officially: strap on or strap-on?
Shelli: With a dash!
Carmen: Ah! An expert!
Thank you!
Shelli: PROUD OF SUCH A MONIKER

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Drew: My relationship to marvel is very much like if my friends want to go see it and my schedule works I’ll go with, but if I knew Tessa Thompson was going to be making out with Natalie Portman I’d buy a ticket for opening day
Heather: lololololll
Drew: I miss MoviePass era when I’d see them all for free
The way to see Ant-Man is for free on a Wednesday afternoon in between classes

What We’ve Been Reading

Butthole Surfers

Vanessa: today one of my colleagues at Sarah Lawrence told me the best way to get vitamin D is through your butthole
apparently you’re supposed to spread yourself wide open and point your butt at the sun for like 10 minutes
Ro: WHAT
Vanessa: and that way you can absorb all the vitamin D you need
Ro: Ok that’s not what I thought you were going to say
Vanessa: so i told her about vabbing
Ro: I thought you were about to talk about vitamin suppositories
Darcy: hahaha things have taken a TURN
Stef Rubino: what??? but most of our vitamin D comes from the sun!!
Vanessa: no apparently it’s just sunning your butt hole
Darcy: ngl i saw “sun” and “butthole” and was ready to say “vanessa i am not gonna poop outside while i’m fixing my toilet”
Stef Rubino: so we should be like….. tanning our buttholes??
Vanessa: well darcy i am rly into compost toilets
but fiiiiine if you don’t want one
Ro: A wilderness guide once told me that if someone is having an anaphylactic reaction and can’t swallow benadryl, you’re supposed to crush up the benadryl and blow it into their asshole with a straw.
Stef Rubino: Jesus christ
Darcy: haha when i nannied in santa cruz there were a lot of composting toilets
Vanessa: my mom used to call me and beg me not to put vodka soaked tampons in my pussy when i was in undergrad
to be clear i never did
Darcy: WHAT
Vanessa: but she read once that some kids were doing it and it scarred her for life
Stef Rubino: lmao, my dad asked me once if “girls really did that”
Vanessa: anyway i guess butts and pussies are very absorbent
a way more reasonable question, stef
as opposed to mandy friedman who was like
YOU MUST BE DOING IT
Darcy: those poor drunk vaginal canals
Ro: That’s true, they are very porous membranes.
Darcy: any nurse’ll tell you!
Shelli Nicole: I LOVE THIS CONVERSATTTTTTTTIIIIIIOOONNN!!!
Valerie: that happened on an episode of Chicago Med
they couldn’t figure out how this teen was getting drunker in the hospital while her parents were watching her like a hawk, and turned out she had a boozy tampon in
Darcy: do people know you can drink alcohol and that it’s delicious
Vanessa: omg valerie WHAT
Valerie: how the doctor solved that without Doctor House, MD is beyond me
Vanessa: A BOOZY TAMPON
Stef Rubino: wow, what an episode that must’ve been!! “doctor, the girl’s got a tampon soaked in everclear up there!!”
Darcy: every minute i have seen of Chicago Med has been a short clip that was, for some inexplicable reason, uploaded to TikTok and then sped up
Stef Rubino: the fact that “boozy tampons” (a name i can’t get over) appeared on tv is absolutely killing me

What We’ve Been Watching

PR Emails That Lost Their Way

More often than we’d like, people email us about things that demonstrate they might be missing the point.

I’m confused what about me implied I’d be working on any stories surrounding NationalShirazDay – Drew

Nicolodeon

This is just a doodle from Nicole’s notebook :) They hope it brightens your day!

KKU LookBook

I was home very few days in the month of July, which means yes I was absolutely rocking lots of looks during my travels, but also, I wasn’t very good at documenting them because I was away from my beloved wall (omg I’m moving soon and just now realizing I won’t have a mirror wall anymore… gonna go process that after I’m done writing this). In addition to a trip to northern Michigan with my girlfriend and my mother’s side of the family to chill out a lake house, I also did the Tin House Summer Workshop in Portland this month, and I brought so many outfits to the writing workshop that multiple people asked me… “how did you fit all those shoes in a suitcase?” The answer? I brought two suitcases. Almost immediately after returning from the workshop, I hopped in a car with my girlfriend and Lola the frenchie and we drove to New Orleans for a long weekend of food and literary celebration in honor of the release of my new pal Isaac’s memoir, Dirtbag, Massachusetts. Then Kristen, Lola, and I got back in the car and drove with our friend Jami out to a cabin in the woods of Mississippi where we spent three nights with limited cell service and a winding river and a very large tuna niçoise. So yes I’ve stayed booked n busy this month, and the three photos I’ve picked absolutely reflect that!

Look 1: Here I am in a hot tub at a lake house in northern Michigan! Absolutely living my best lake life! My sister bought “lake cups” for herself, me, my brother, and Kristen, and they were just insulated tumblers with straws, but we got very into saying “lake cup” all week. Want your own lake cup? Here’s a cute lemon one for $25. My new one-piece plunge-neckline swimsuit was a gift from Kristen, and I can’t find an exact match, BUT I think the important details here are the plunge and the paisley/floral print, so I rounded up some options for you: Sunshine 79 Plunge Suit ($148), Tommy Bahama Reversible Lace-Up One-Piece ($133, but if you think about it, it’s like two suits in one!), ASOS Curve Lace Swimsuit in Floral ($48), Pieces Tall Swimsuit in Black Floral ($36), and Peek & Beau Fuller Bust Swimsuit in Floral ($37).

Look 2: As far as summer basics go, I have been wearing this plain black cotton mini dress from ASOS with a black lace bra underneath QUITE often. The exact dress is out of stock, but you can get this dress pretty much anywhere. If you wanna upgrade from cotton, go linen blend, like this $60 option from the Gap. Go with a layered swing dress ($15) if you want more structure than just a sack. Or embrace the sack ($25). This adjustable-straps basic dress is on sale for $25. This photo was also taken at the lake in Michigan, and I am holding the MASTERPIECE I just made: a chicken makhani pizza with raita made on a pizza oven from Halo, where my sister is the lead industrial designer so yes this is some shameless sister-promotion.

Look 3: Here I am in New Orleans, taking a photo in one of my favorite selfie mirrors on the planet, located in my friend Jami’s house. The dress came from a thrift shop and found its way to me by way of two other previous owners, so there is no way to link the actual thing! But pair a retro 60s-style geometric shapes or floral dress ($50) with a pair of platformed black sandals ($45), and you simply can’t go wrong. I wore this to a literary event in a bar’s backyard in New Orleans, and yes I absolutely sweat through it, but it was WORTH IT.

Meet A New Contributor!

Get to know some of our newest faces.

Stef Rubino, Writer

Social Media:
Instagram: ancillarytext
Twitter: ancillarytext

What is your favorite kind of sandwich?

I have two favorite sandwiches: the class bacon, egg, and cheese on a delicious, buttery biscuit if possible and a classic diner patty melt on rye piled high with carmelized onions (and a side of fries!).

What’s something you’ve been really proud of lately?

This year has been big for me in terms of just going for shit I want to do. I’m really proud of the work I’m doing here at Autostraddle as a writer and the work I’m doing on my podcast, Fat Guy, Jacked Guy. I’m also just generally proud of myself for taking a lot more risks than I have in the past.

What would be your superpower and why?

Honestly? I just wish I could read a lot faster than I do. I mean, I know I still read pretty fast comparatively BUT not fast enough for everything I want to get to!

If you could invite four famous people (dead or alive) to dinner, who would you choose and why?

This is such a tough question but the four people who are no longer with us who I’d love to talk to the most are James Baldwin, Leslie Feinberg, Audre Lorde, and David Wojnarowicz because their works have been so instrumental in the work I’ve been doing for most of my life.

What’s your #1 turn-on?

A really goofy sense of humor and sharp wit! And a little edge… like I don’t want my partners to be mean to me but I love it when they’re just a LITTLE mean in general.

Failure Is An Art Form

We are here to normalize trying, failing, trying, and failing again!

“So I don’t know if this counts as a failure per se, but let’s go with it. I have a current fear that the thing I’ve been working on a ton this month is going to end up being something… no one cares about. I guess this is like a failure of confidence? And I know it’s super common for people to feel this way about projects they’re passionate about and put a lot of work into, but I don’t often experience it! So it is making me feel all out of sorts, and then I worry it is affecting the work itself! A VICIOUS CYCLE. Anyway, I hope people do get something out of the thing I’m currently working on, even if it is small.” — Kayla

Here I am, once again, OWING PEOPLE THINGS!! I have 3-5 writers waiting to hear back from me about drafts. I have one PR person waiting to hear back if I can interview their client. And probably a half dozen emails of various levels of importance also needing attention at some point. (Ok writing out this section always makes me break out into hives because I am a perfectionist, but hopefully it helps!) — Carmen

We Have Questions for Everyone Marrying Shane

Haunted / Not Haunted

Friends, I am so excited that you were also as excited as me (Heather) about Nicole diagnosing hauntings for the Inisder! So we’re gonna do it some more! Here are three things I saw while casually click-clacking around the internet this month. Nicole is going to assess them. And then they are going to tell us whether or not they are TORMENTED BY SPIRITS! You know, or some other kind of more chill haunting…

#1 We Have No Names

Heather: First up, these dolls that have no name and which came across my Twitter feed and caused me to bark. My research leads me to believe these are “crafting dolls” that you purchase to make crafts with???

Nicole: Whatever it is, it is a trap. You exchange money for these dolls and give them names, and then you give them their power. Whether these dolls are inhabited by demons or are a creation of the fae, gently placed in your path to tempt you, they are best left where you found them, unnamed, their power forever only a potential. Let them sleep.

#2 Hiding in Plane Sight

Heather: Next, this plane this guy stumbled upon in the woods. On the one hand, a crashed and abandoned plane in a forest. On the other hand, it does look kind of like a cartoon character with a silly nose.

Nicole: This plane “looks” like it was set on some blocks, as though for storage or repair. However, that does not mean that whoever’s plane this once was did not have a history to it, an attachment. It looks like it might actually been a propeller plane at some point, so it is quite old. It may still be guarded by one who calls it theirs. I advise caution.

#3 Clown Motel

Heather: And finally, Nevada’s — and I quote — CLOWN MOTEL.

Nicole: Well, Heather, I hate to break it to you, but a good 96%+ of motels are haunted. Once, when I was staying at a Motel 6, I opened my eyes to see a woman standing in front of the door. She was pale with matted, dark hair and a wet dress that clung to her form. Her eyes had been removed and the sockets stitched together, roughly, with dirty twine. She said something to me, moved toward me, her chapped lips rasping in the must and bleach of the motel air. It was something important, but I was not listening. I couldn’t listen. I couldn’t move. I realized I was dreaming, or something like it. I willed myself to wake up. I woke up on the floor, thinking I’d finally made it out of the dream, but there was a hand over me, coming over the top of the bed and just into my field of vision.

So, yes, I do think this motel is likely haunted, especially considering it must have been in operation for some time in order to have accumulated so many clown dolls. The chance of a haunted doll with those numbers, too, is high. At least one of those dolls must be haunted.

My assessment of this hotel’s age is also based on the look of the sign. People have died in this Clown Motel. They have taken their last breaths surrounded by primary colors — and I think few souls would be able to forgive the living for that pain.

Not a Child

Ro: If anyone is having a tough day, this is me letting you all know that a stranger just thought I was my girlfriend’s teenage son. I hope that brings you some laughter and sunshine!
Dani Janae: Oh my god
Ro: Dani, this was not the first time.
Dani Janae: Incredible
Lmao
Darcy: OH NO
Kayla Kumari: Two different people in our building have asked if Kristen is my mother and i almost did a spit take one of the times
Ro: Oh god!
Darcy: poor kristen rofl
Kayla Kumari: lmaooo
Ro: A few years ago my girlfriend and I were on an elevator and an old man pointed at me and said, “How old is he?” And she said, “…30…”
Darcy: oh my GOD
Dani Janae: This is an incredible problem(?) to have. Just out here looking eternally youthful
Darcy: new merch: baseball caps that just say NOT A CHILD
Ro: I mean, it happens to me all the time by myself. But when she and I are assumed to be a mother and son, THAT is next level. Also we only have a three year age gap.
Stef Rubino: oh my GOD to all of this
that’s so wild
Sa’iyda: i love this so much
Ro: You are all welcome for this tale. I’m going to go order myself some fish sticks off the kids menu and play with my POGs.
Heather: i am seven years older and ten inches taller than my wife, i understand!
Ro: Oh no! Heather, have people assumed you were your wife’s parent?!
Dani Janae: Heather I did not know this omg that’s so funny
Heather: oh absolutely, i cannot even count the number of people who have asked that, and it’s like, obviously they know we’re not mother and daughter! you don’t ask mothers and daughters if they’re mothers and daughters! their little hetero brains just a-whirrin’
Ro: Nooooo whyyyyyyyy
Darcy: Harold, they’re lesbians!
Ro: Straight people also love to ask queer women couples if they’re sisters.
Heather: oh for SURE, like why?
Ro: We were just kissing ON THE MOUTH and you wanna know if we are SISTERS?!
Heather: hahahahaha!!!
Yash: my ex was seven years older than me, but because I was taller I got asked a few times if they were my little brother. It was the worst.
Valerie: “sisters?” “we’re close.”
Ro: Noooo not your little brother!!
Sa’iyda: this just reminded of the time that someone thought my WHITE fiancée was my mother. She’s only 6 years older than me and I’m taller. I was aghast!
Stef Rubino: what!!!!!
Sa’iyda: to be fair, it was Arizona
Laneia: in a horrifying reversal of this phenomenon, i have been assumed to be my son’s girlfriend a) in my own neighborhoods b) at his high school
Sa’iyda: this is a real fear of mine!
KaeLyn: Late to the party but have to say as someone who, once I developed boobs, people would frequently assume I was my white dad’s hot young mail order Asian girlfriend…. I just feel so much for you and for your son. YIKES YIKES YIKES IM SO SORRY
Yash: NOOOO NONONONONONO
Stef Rubino: ok, someone asked if my gf and i were sisters but i assumed they were just queerphobic and/or were trying to rationalize it like maybe we were adopted into the same family?? Unclear
Anya: my gf and i were driving back to NY this weekend and stopped at a random gas station, she went in to use the bathroom and then after she came back i went in to use the bathroom, and the gas station guy was like “was that your sister before?” and i simply replied “yes”
and then i told my gf what happened back in the car and she replied with the only rational response, “we’re close”
Stef Rubino: lmaoooo ok well, it was probably good you followed whatever instincts were alerting you and said yes
Anya: lol
immaculate random town gas station vibes telling you to simply agree that you are sisters and go pee
Stef Rubino: it happens!! Haha
Yash: my double leo best friend gets this sometimes with her partner, and her answer is “if you’re nasty” which, well, alright then skdjfskdjfskds
Vanessa: i realize we’re done with this convo but i just want to share that i have also been asked if i am a partner’s mother
once in austin we went to get tacos with a friend and i was asked if my CHILDREN would like sodas
just me and my kids, two 20-something genderqueer babes, one of whom is my gf and one of whom is my friend, thx so much 4 noticing us
Katie: omg
Vanessa: i was 25 at the time
Katie: I am regularly asked if my spouse is my sister and my spouse is NB so it’s likely double wrong
shea: My wife once took me to the doctor in Florida and the nurse asked if she was my mom. What an absolute stretch!
I said yes. My wife was not happy lmao
Vanessa: i’m trying to decide if i would’ve laughed or abandoned you at the doctor shea 😂
Stef Rubino: i would’ve absolutely been laughing so fucking hard. like COME ON, nurse!!
shea: It’s 2016 Florida so the nurse could not even fathom that my wife was not my mom
also want to say I was wearing a middle school uniform polo shirt from my job lol

Happy Beyoncé Weekend To All Who Celebrate

*It’s Carmen who celebrates (thank you Viv for this present!)

XOXO

Team Autostraddle