Letter From Your Editors

Hello raindrops falling on my head!

This month, Laneia asked us to take a photo of ourselves with our favorite piece of ART in our homes. I cheated and sent a picture I took like a year ago, but I also didn’t cheat, because it’s still my favorite piece of art in my home!

Top: Alexis, Audrey, Laura, Mey
Bottom: Laneia, Heather, Carmen, Casey

Top: Molly, Riese, Rachel, Raquel
Bottom: Stef, Tiara, Vanessa, Valerie

Welcome to all the new Autostraddle Plus members here with us for the first time! We hope you enjoy a full archive of all the Insiders you missed and are up-to-speed regarding the definition of “vodka-water.” To be honest this isn’t our best Insider ever, but it’s still wittier and more radiant than your average everyday Insider. Listen, today I finished listening to my Audible pick of the month — another gripping narrative from my favorite audiobook genre, “terrible heteronormative psychological thriller will anything ever be as good as Gone Girl??” — and in the last twenty minutes, apropos of nothing, it was made abruptly clear that the author didn’t think global warming was real. Nine hours of listening to this woman’s words before I learned that! It was her voice in my ears as I walked in the rain to the post office with all of your A+ t-shirts. Her deceptive voice, my pure mission.

But, as I write this, Carmen’s writeup of Lena Waithe’s Vanity Fair cover story by Jacqueline Woodson is going viral and Carmen just noted in our Slack TV writers channel: “between writing about Lena Waithe and now Sara Ramirez, I am just drowning in babes this week. I can’t believe y’all are paying me to do this.” Firstly, I can, because Carmen is amazing, and secondly — we have been drowning in babes this year! Not just the same old babes, either. Listen I love Ellen Page and Kristin Stewart as much as the next lesbian (maybe even more than tbh), but it’s been a killer few months for queer women of color in the spotlight, like DEFINITE COUPLE Janelle Monáe & Tessa Thompson and so many more including but not limited to Hayley Kiyoko, Lena Waithe, Sara Ramirez, Kehlani and Steph Beatriz. Although we’re still light-years away from the bright beautiful diverse tomorrows we want for television, the #MeToo movement and increased attention to white cis male patriarchal dominance of literally everything has resulted in more female-fronted, diverse television on slate for 2018.

So, there’s a bright ray of light to focus on while the darkness creeps in from the margins, threatening to overtake us all. It seems like a lot of people’s personal lives are not doing too great right now either, so I hope you guys are all okay. Are you okay? If not, I’d like to suggest living vicariously through One Day at a Time. Also HOT TIP we updated the 100+ Best Lesbian Movies post but we haven’t told anybody yet.

We hope you enjoyed this month’s A+ content — our big 9th Birthday Ask Us Anything Party, A+ Roundtable: Internalized Homophobia and Other Endearing Forms of Low-Key Self-Hatred, A+ Roundtable: Our First Time Watching Porn, and The Sex We Just Can’t Get Into. We did a lot of stuff because we are really trying.

Love,

Riese

Co-Signed by Laneia / Rachel / Yvonne / Heather

Top 10 Most Popular Posts From February 2018

These posts were hella popular last month.

1. Why I Got Off the Pacific Crest Trail After 454 Miles Instead of Walking All the Way to Canada, by Vanessa Friedman
2. The Intensely Detailed Janelle Monáe and Tessa Thompson Timeline You’ve Been Waiting For, by Carmen Phillips
3. MUSIC VIDEO: Tessa Thompson Makes Janelle Monáe (and Us) Feel Pretty F*cking Queer Today, by Carmen Phillips
4. Mal Ortberg’s Creepy New Book is Coming Out and Mal Is Too, by Audrey White
5. Satellite of Love: Queer Horoscopes for February 2018, by Corrina Doss
6. What Is Your Damage, New “Heathers” TV Show?, by Riese & Heather
7. 5 Lesbian and Bisexual Women Athletes to Watch in the 2018 Winter Olympics, by Molly Priddy
8. Everything Sucks! Is a Bangin’ TV Show With a Sweet Lesbian Lead, by Riese & Heather
9. Watching “The L Word” For The First Time: A Gentle Guide, by Riese
10. Rosario Dawson Has Finally Awakened Petra’s Bisexuality on “Jane The Virgin,” by Kayla Upadhyaya

Nine Important Excerpts From Editorial Conversations

Rachel: do we have any clever thoughts on the headline for this roundtable? since there are like eight kinds of phobias being discussed
should we just go with internalized homophobia and call it a day
Heather: 8 Kinds of Phobias, Discussed
Rachel: The 8 Crazy Nights of Phobia-kah
Heather: hahahahaha
just homophobia feels good to me
A+ Roundtable: Just Homophobia
Rachel: Unpasteurized Grade-A Homophobia, Undiluted
Sarah: Rachel didn’t you say something about “our trauma” last week? :smile:
Rachel: oh I think I did
i think my vision for that was more of an insider graphic vibe though
maybe i’ll make it after publishing this
as a reward

Rachel: Happy Monday everyone

Riese: The reaction to the 30 days of carol announcement on instagram is ENTHUSIASTIC
Erin: Someone even tagged my ex in the comments!!
Rachel: wow! you’ve arrived
Laneia: !
Erin: Yet to figure out if the “is this her?” comment is a neutral assessment of our once dating or a “is this dumb bit of the girl you once dated?”
Laneia: either way she’s definitely flagging that she’s not good at entertaining herself
i really liked “ffs?” bc that’s the spirit
incredulous but open to suggestions
Erin: So true!

Alexis: Get It How You Live: Challah Bread Thick Demi Lovato Says She’ll Slide Into The DMs Of Men AND Women On Her Search For Love
Stef: “CHALLAH BREAD THICK” feels like it was thrown in just for me
Molly: omg
Vanessa: excuse me
Stef: (throws in a hamotzi for good measure)
Molly: how do i do this
Stef: you have to convert
Molly: ok
Vanessa: You have to ask a rabbi 3x and be rejected to convert
Stef: i got ordained on the internet so you could probably just ask me and riese
we’re basically rabbis
can we use the waterslide at a-camp for a mikvah?

Laneia: i can’t load the AMA post
Cameron: same
Valerie: same
i thought it was my office wifi since i am pushing it to its limits rn
Riese: me too
Tiara: same!
Natalie: Is this the online equivalent of throwing a party so big that someone calls the cops?
Tiara: ddos’d by our own commentors
Cameron: this is the equivalent of throwing a party so big that we have to call dad to save us from ourselves
Kaelyn: I feel like cee is a daddy, not a dad, but really either way whatever
same here
i hate that Error 524 sceen
Laneia: i’ve texted cee! hopefully
lazy load is being turned back on
lazy load is back on!
give it a go would you
Cee: Give it a few for the database server to chill out
Might be a bit.
Also kaelyn I think I’m like half and half
Cameron: dad in the streets, daddy in the sheets & while teaching shibari workshops
Kaelyn: omg Cameron

Molly: hey scully dorks shop eBay for great deals from gillianandersoncharity!
look i know kelly is very mommi but this is the soft butch anthem, sorry femmes
Stef: Molly that scully shit belongs in the #gillian-anderson channel
Please use the channels appropriately
Molly: oh sorry i didn’t even know
Vanessa: molly this is femme erasure goodbye
Molly: i’m sorry
Vanessa: i really appreciate that so far today this channel has been molly sharing things and me and stef reprimanding her
Molly: i mean it’s my everyday life just made public
Stef: Molly’s really into Jewish women telling her to stop doing perfectly reasonable pleasant things
Vanessa: wow molly you’ve really found the perfect workplace

Valerie: Mey my brother is drinking vodka water, thought of you. “It keeps me hydrated!”
slackbot: Sounds like somebody could use a :cranberry-juice:.
Mey: Bless your brother on this journey

Laneia: oh is it women’s history month
i need a nice elementary school teacher to come to my house and update a bulletin board with a themed situation including a border that she’ll let me staple up bc that was always my job and i was very good at it
Heather: i just pictured little Laneia the teacher’s pet and i was so overwhelmed with affection for you!
perfectly organized trapper keeper and a+ handwriting
Laneia: !
i practiced my handwriting on the weekends
Heather: you are making me feel like i’m looking at a kitten gif!

Rachel: do you want to look at the post again before it goes up to approve any changes I make
Riese: no i put all my trust in you
all of it
all of the pebbles in my hand
Heather: evergreen tweet
Rachel: thank you, I didn’t even have any pebbles before

Rachel: “At one point, Tillerson allegedly referred to Trump as a “moron,” which Trump responded to by challenging the Secretary to an IQ test.”
did I miss that happening?
I mean
Yvonne: omg
is this like having a duel?
but without a sword?
Rachel: i think I remember tillerson basically being forced to deny he ever said ‘moron’ in a press conference
but the IQ test thing is unreal
Yvonne: who even is left from the original cabinet?
Heather: i wish they’d duel with actual swords
let’s just really embrace the hunger games aspect of this presidency and have live sword fights on tv
Rachel: revive the struggling blacksmithing industry
Yvonne: it just sounded like fucking romeo and juliet and tillerson was like i bite my thumb at you sir and then trump was like i’ll fight you now
Heather: yes that’s what all these things sounds like! like how his beef with sessions is that sessions simply hasn’t defended his honor!
Rachel: right! that really is it
can you imagine the drinking problems the biographers are going to develop
Heather: they’ll have to write in teams to assure themselves of what’s true
Rachel: just wondered to myself if the CIA is on glassdoor
i’m gonna make some more coffee

Stef: Clarissa Explains It All Revival in Development at Nickelodean
Laneia: STOP IT
Valerie: clarissa is only allowed to come back if it comes back like sabrina and is about murder witches now
Laneia: sam is clarissa’s sensitive butch vampire girlfriend who helps her hone her murder witch skills
there is no ferguson
Valerie: sold

Meet A Contributor!

Get to know some of our writers and contributors.

Queer Girl, Comment Awards Writer

Twitter: @queergirlblogs

What’s your first memory of Autostraddle?
I’m a Heather Hogan fan from way back, and one day I noticed I wasn’t seeing her writing in her old haunts any longer. I tweeted at her (probably my first @ tweet ever), something like, “where did you go?” And she was like, “I’m at Autostraddle!” And the rest is history.

If you were in a girl group (like the Spice Girls), what would it be called? Who would be in the group?
I think we would be the Nap Girls, and our whole thing would be napping constantly. (My day job is A Lot right now and I think it’s coloring my answers.) And the other members would be anyone who wants to nap with me, like a pile of puppies. There would also be actual puppies.

Describe the worst date you’ve ever been on.
It was our second date; I’d invited her over to play Super Mario World for SNES. A few minutes in, she put down her controller and said “I’m sorry, can we just talk instead?” She proceeded to tell me all about her previous relationship, fertility struggles, and subsequent breakup — for hours. By the end of the date I knew more than I’d ever wanted to know about buying sperm off the internet (the cost per vial!), and I was basically ready to charge her a co-pay for our therapy session.

Who was your first woman celebrity crush?
I’ve gotta go with Lady Aberlin, from Mister Roger’s Neighborhood. She was patient, and pretty, and perfect. I was three years old.

What’s the last show you binge watched?
Brooklyn 99! I’d never really seen it before but obviously what with Rosa Diaz Bisexual I HAD to, so I started from the beginning about a week ago and now I’m completely addicted.

If you could invite four famous people (dead or alive) to dinner, who would you choose and why?
This is so hard! And it’s very Careful-What-You-Wish-For, because in college I had the opportunity to go to dinner with my favorite author, but by the time dinner rolled around like four separate people we were with had told her she was my very favorite author, and then I was seated next to her and could think of exactly NOTHING to say for the next two and a half hours. I was basically completely silent and did not eat. It was an awkward time.

THAT BEING SAID, I would really like to thank Edith Windsor, and I hear she was a kick to be around; I’d love to hear more of Heather Hogan’s thoughts on the feminist history of beer; I’d really like to picnic with Louisa May Alcott, and tell her to let the Jo within her run wild and free; and finally, Daniel Mallory Ortberg, because he’d fill any and all of my awkward silences and just might help me with some tips for my hair.

Salad Sandwiches For Everybody

Marni: can you add a tiny blurb at the top of the form that explains who is meant to use it, for what purpose, and where it goes once submitted/what to expect after submission?
so we can all remember forever
Crystal: yes i can and will!
Marni: sort of just like what you said above
Crystal: I will also change that notify HR thing into a statement and not a question, or something
thank you for the input!
Marni: thank YOU Crystal
oh one last question
yesterday my australian colleague asked me if i could give her a “readout” of a conference call that she was going to miss and i didn’t know what that meant so i just never responded, what does that mean
(i did eventually respond)
Crystal: haha like a transcript
or meeting notes
i would think
Marni: that’s what i assumed too but you never know with aussies
Crystal: it’s true, you never know
i hope this is the same person who told you about ham/salad sandwiches, they are teaching you a lot
Marni: no different aussie
i work with several
Laneia: wait can i hear more about the salad sandwiches
Marni: it’s just a sandwich Laneia!
IT’S JUST A SANDWICH
with “beetroot” on it
Crystal: salad sandwiches are when you put salad on a sandwich!
Laneia: i just blew through 2 seasons of Poh and Co on netflix and i’ve learned SO MUCH
aaaahhh
Crystal: like lettuce, grated carrot, cucumber, beetroot slices, tomato, sometimes sprouts
Marni: also ham
Laneia: well this sounds delicious
Crystal: sometimes ham or chicken, yes
Marni: SO A SANDWICH
Laneia: no i can see the distinction here
Crystal: it was a very popular sandwich in the 80s and 90s, basically the only sandwich
Laneia: it’s the grated carrot that really sets it apart i think
Crystal: unless you were doing vegemite or peanut butter
Marni: not the beetroot?
Laneia: fair point
they work together
Crystal: the combo of beetroot and grated carrot is my fave
Laneia: set it apart
Crystal: also Poh is so wonderful !
Laneia: well damn i really want one of these
I LOVE HER
Crystal: she is very unique
Laneia: i learned about chooks!
and she puts shallots on everything! and the midnight baking!!!
Crystal: she’s wild
i hope you hang on to chooks
Laneia: i’ve used it twice in 3 days
Crystal: well done

a screenshot Heather took of Riese & Carol during a call with these documentary filmmakers who are doing a thing on queer fandom!

10 Things Laneia Said This Month, Out of Context

A special feature by #1 Laneia Fan, Riese Bernard

1. “but whatever i’m just an old lady with no empathy who’s recently realized that she doesn’t like babies”

2. “apparently since mcmaster is out we’re all going to die in a nuclear war so maybe just keep it short and sweet”

3. “these people need to get coffee enemas and lie down”

4. “what if we had a post titled 5 Big Trends for Spring and it’s just jokes that i’m not funny enough to make right now
like moving your drinking time to 4pm for a week(?)”

5. “i have to call someone’s parent and i hate it! why do people do this why can’t we just live”

6. “i could do it while i eat edamame and watched my korean reality show
but i’m not butch”

7. “i look like a lesbian eddie munster”

8. “also it makes the homepage sexy and popular like tiffany mercer but not as bitchy as tiffany mercer bc she was so rude”

9. “this is making me realize that i should keep a stash of whiskey and wine for things like unexpected power outages/the rapture
next paycheck”

What We’ve Been Reading

Heather: The Fifth Season by N. K. Jemisin

Casey: The Power by Naomi Alderman and To The Bright Edge of the World by Eowyn Ivey

Natalie: A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle

Valerie Anne: Would You Rather by Katie Heaney

Carolyn: Feel Free by Zadie Smith

Raquel: Swimming Studies by Leanne Shapton

Tiara: Hiding the Elephant: How Magicians Invented the Impossible and Learned to Disappear by Jim Steinmeyer

Laura M: The All-or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work by Eli J. Finkel

Audrey:Sing, Unburied, Sing by Jesmyn Ward

Riese: Stealing the Show: How Women Are Revolutionizing Television by Joy Press

Carmen: We’re Going to Need More Wine by Gabrielle Union

Alexis: Her Body and Other Parties by Carmen Maria Machado

Vanessa: Muslim Girl: A Coming Of Age by Amani Al-Khatahtbeh

Rachel: Iron Cast, by Destiny Soria

SLACKERS

March Retro-Reading

Some posts from previous Marches Riese thinks you might enjoy.

via How Often Do Lesbians Have Sex?

Autostraddle Presents: “The L Word WTF?!” Video Part #1, by Riese (2009) – I had to re-watch Seasons Three and Four recently to prep for an L Word trivia event and it just reminded me real hard about how SO much of these WTF videos came from seasons three and four! What a ride!

How To Leave Your Husband (Because You’re a Lesbian), by Laneia (2012) – I re-visited this recently when Nicole Cliffe tweeted it and just sat back and remembered how great it is and how much I love Laneia.

Know Me Where It Hurts: Sex, Kink, and Cerebral Palsy, by Carrie (2014) – Carrie’s first post on Autostraddle and it’s a real good one that changed a lot of lives!

Your Completely Queer Guide To Horoscope Hookups, by Kate (2013) – Another Autostraddle classic, beloved by all forever. Like, our Facebook shares got reset when we updated the plug-in last year, and somehow this has still accumulated an additional 1k facebook shares since then despite being published in 2013!

Our Willow, Ourselves, by Lindsay King-Miller (2014) – I related so much to this wonderful essay about Willow and figuring out that you’re a lesbian a little later and it all making sense but that first part of your life not being a lie either.

Heather’s Very Kind Feedback On Sarah’s First Pass at The “30 Days of Carol Graphic” Was “sarah that is a very adorable graphic! but the carol posts are about carol the movie.”

Five Posts Rachel Can’t Believe You Motherf*ckers Didn’t Read Last Month

HEY PALS just a heads up that we covered one of your most asked-for topics this month in a roundtable about internalized homophobia! “Enjoy” seems like the wrong directive here but check it out if that sounds like something you’re interested in reading more about!

Midterm Elections Kicked Off in Texas Yesterday; Here Are All the Queer Women Who Kicked Ass, by Yvonne

The midterm elections are one of the first big, nationwide litmus tests we’ll have of the degree to which US voters are really committed to trying to reverse the horrific effects of the last election. As Yvonne puts it in this very article, “Remember when Trump was elected and everyone took to the streets and were like “we’re going to come out in droves in 2018 and change shit”? Well, the time has come! Y’all better keep your promises and show up to vote and keep your candidates accountable because this is the year that matters.” The midterm and special election season is already starting to show some promising results; check out the latest in Texas and stay tuned for more!

Kenyan LGBT Activists Bring Groundbreaking Court Case Against Laws Criminalizing LGBT Relationships, by Kari

A few months ago Kari wrote this comprehensive and engrossing piece on the National Gay and Lesbian Rights Commission in Kenya and some of the ways they’re exploring how legal action could bring some safety and liberation to LGBTQ people in Kenya. Now she’s back with an update on the groundbreaking legal case they’ve brought to challenge colonial-era anti-LGBT laws. Get caught up on what’s happening before the verdict is released! You’re watching history happen!

You Need Help: You’re in Love with a Straight Girl and You Want It to Stop, by Carolyn

Y’all write us about how you’re in love with a straight girl and it’s ruining your life a LOT. Even if this is not you, you and I both know that it is someone you know. Be the change we all wanna see in the world; take this advice and share it.

We Relived the Black, Feminist Magic of “Living Single” and You Can Too, by Abeni

We had some GREAT TV writing this month and a lot of it was about the Black feminist magic happening in various places on your teevee. If you, like so many, started a rewatch of Living Single now that it’s on Hulu, check out Abeni on how the show is “remarkably ahead of its time and offers meaningful messages that continue to resonate.”

Shondaland’s “How To Get Away With A Scandal” Crossover Event Was a Black Feminist Masterpiece, by Carmen

On the other end of the timeline with some highly publicized of-the-moment programming, check out Carmen and Natalie in conversation about How to Get Away with Scandal, or as Carmen calls it, “the greatest fanfiction I never wrote.”

Laneia’s Pick of the Month

Listen, I don’t have to justify myself and my myriad interests to you, ok. We’re all adults here and if I want to put a plastic monkey on my hand and run around the parking lot making bubbles fly from my fingertips, that’s what I’m gonna do. And if you also want to do that, you can get a 4-pack of glove-a-bubbles and send me a picture on Instagram alright??!

Social Media Spotlight

The hands down best responses we had on Twitter in the last 30 days came from the first tweet we sent out promoting Carmen’s Pulitzer Prize-deserving post on Janelle Monáe and Tessa Thompson, which you can read by clicking on the tweet. But what I really want to bring your attention to is the fact that Carmen Phillips is your favorite drummer’s favorite writer. Yes, that lesbian drummer who stole the show at the Oscars, her main thing is Carmen’s Black Lightning recaps.

Please take a few minutes to read this. Really appreciate @carmencitaloves's voice https://t.co/HZerzBTdNU

— Eva Friedman (@Eva_Friedman) February 23, 2018

Also, even though every mainstream news outlet was all over her that next day, she was most psyched to get her shout-out on Autostraddle.

Oh my god?!?!?! https://t.co/NC9YAlBlOM

— Eva Friedman (@Eva_Friedman) March 5, 2018

Hi, Eva! :D

Pussy Riot

Cameron: I keep getting this message when I try to answer questions now?

is this a Cee thing
Alyssa: you mean a @cee thing?
Cameron: YES I DO MEAN THAT
Alyssa: haha
Cameron: is this because i said i was a genderqueer drone?
this is discrimination
Laneia: what the heck
what’s the email address on your account Cameron
Cameron: [redacted]
Laneia: i can’t figure this out!
Raquel: it seems like it thinks you are a spammer??
you can attempt making an account with a different email, which is not ideal but?
Laneia: i can’t find your IP on any of the block lists
Cameron: it happened every time i tried to mention Josie & the Pussycats
in case that helps
Valerie: hahaha
Raquel: !!!
this is maybe a stupid question, but is there a word filter on “pussy”?
Laneia: YES PUSSY IS ON THE LIST
omg
Cameron: well there we have it
Laneia: raquel solving the mysteries out here
Raquel: hahaha
Cameron: THANK YOU TEEN_SLEUTH_OF_RIVERDALE at tumblr dot com

XOXO

Team Autostraddle

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