This is Hot 100 Week. Why? We don’t know. But we’re not going to miss the party boat, we love the macarena! This week the whole team came together to produce the definitive Hot 100.
The results of our FIRST Annual Hot 100 are the result of a deeply scientific analysis of our thoughts and feelings as they developed beginning at brunch on Sunday May 10th until today, Wednesday May 13th, and analyzed by a team of professional analytical experts. Without any further ado, we present the Autostraddle Hot 100.
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100. Hot Tub
99. Hibachi Grill
98. Chi Ceramic Hairstyling Iron
97. Bonfires
96. Erotic Bonfires in Pornographic Films
95. George Foreman’s Lean Mean Fat Grillin’ Machine
94. Hot Topic
Crystal’s favorite clothing store. Firmly auto-straddles the line between TERRIBLE and AWESOME
93. Hot Dogs
92. Intern Hot Laura
[A;ex & Riese accept full responsibility for both the nickname and the wall of fire]
91. The Sahara Desert
90. Hot Air Ballooning
89. Episode 509 of “The L Word” when everyone had sex during the blackout with no air conditioning
88. Miami, Florida
87. Hotcakes
86. Miami Heat
85. Hot Chocolate
84. Hot Cops
83. Haviland Stillwell
82. Hot Pants
81. Fahrenheit 451
80. Young Carlytron
79. Hot Tamales
78. Palm Springs California Home of Dinah Shore Weekend
77. ICY HOT PATCH
76. Paris Hilton’s Favorite Word
75. Hot Cross Buns
74. Hot Sex
73. Our Burning Hot Future
72. Hot Sauce
71. The Temperature in the Shower When Riese fell and got five gigantic bruises,
as represented by two models making out in the shower
70. The Burning Bush from the Story of Moses
69. LAMPS = Because they give you light
68. Hot Wives Club, An Erotic Thriller
Description: “Mark and Hannah enjoy watching masked women and their men enjoy each other in opulent erotic orgies. But the temperature truly rises when it comes time for the beautiful young couple to join in the fun.”
67. Lightning
66. Saunas/Steam Rooms
65. Red Hot Chili Peppers
64. Stovetops
63. T-Mobile Hotspots
62. Katy Perry, “Hot ‘n Cold”
61. Nelly’s “Hot in Here”
60. Walking on the Beach when the sand is really hot
59. Laser Beams
58. Lattes
57. Phoenix, Arizona
Home to Green, Team Autostraddle Associate Editor!
56. Indian Food
55. Hot Hot Heat (BAND)
54. Soup
53. HANSEL is SO Hot Right Now.
52. Alex‘s Room because she never puts in an air conditioner even in the deepest heats of summer.
51. Hot Wheels
50. Bhut Jolokia = World’s Hottest Pepper
49. Bikram Yoga
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48. Smoking Pot
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47. Hadouken from Streetfighter
46. Candle Wax
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45. Stef’s Paris Hilton Tribute Band “The That’s Hots”
44. Burning Loins of Desire
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43. The Blackout of 2003
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42. When Shane for Wax Burned Down
41. Throwing a Hot Dog Down a Hallway
40. Disco Inferno
39. Afghanistan
38. Dragons
37. “Venus is the hottest planet in the Solar System!”
36. Burn Book
35. Hot Wings
34. The Equator
33. Angelina Jolie
32. The Things We Lost in the Fire
31. Hot Pockets
30. Hot Stuff by Donna Summer
(29-27 – TBA)
26. The Hot Blogger Calendar!
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25. Olivia Wilde is Maxim’s Number One Hot Girl of the Year.
Here she is on THE BEACH. Which is … HOT.
24. The Lesbian Avengers: Eat Fire, Damn the Man!
23. Hot Flashes
22. This week Alexi of “Alexi’s Closet” asks: What do you wear when being pummeled by hot lava?
21. Heatstroke
20. Hotmail
19. The Apocalypse
18. Hot Potatoes
17. KY Jelly Warming Sensations
16. The Surface of the Sun
15. Dante’s Cove Starring Celesbian SuperStar Jill Bennet
14. Hot Lunch
13. Bikini Wax
12. Hot Chili Peppers
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11. The Subway Platform in the Summer When It’s Really Hot
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10. The Bottom of Riese’s Computer Which Is Basically on Fire Right Now
9. Sunburns
8. Global Warming
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7. Dante’s Inferno
6. Fever From Swine Flu
5. Hot Beef Injection
4. All the Decades Before Air Conditioning Was Invented, e.g., The Oregon Trail
3. Summer of Sam
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2. The Nuclear Bomb
1. HELLFIRE & ETERNAL DAMNATION! Listen to NOMNOMNOM!!
(JK, you’re hot!)
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I think that image of Dante’s Inferno has been PHOTOSHOPPED somehow.
The Intern Army is magical! What’s the method behind the magic? Time will tell.
Loving the Dr. Manhattan-esque Carmen de la Pica Morales squatting on the sun ;)
Amazing. Who was responsible for the Hot Topic graphic? For real hot.
Oh, that was mememe! When I started this about 24 hours ago, I had a lot of energy and skill. By the end we had Lucy Lawless coming out of a nuclear wasteland, so. Hot Topic!
i love this very much. but i feel angelina deserves to be higher than 33rd, like first maybe.
ITA!! But anyway this was great and funny. You all come up with the best stuff!!
The hot lunch pic nearly made me, well, lose my lunch. The Oregon Trail thing was hilarious…took me back to a simpler time…
Penelope Cruz is SO hot. #73 is awesome. Guys, I love this.
haha the penelope sahara pic was my single contribution
I LOLed often reading this list.
However, I have to point out that this is amazing:
71. The Temperature in the Shower When Riese fell and got five gigantic bruises,
as represented by two models making out in the shower
oh … my … ehgod. young carlytron? obvs I thought I was a knight… or something?
so hot carly. Your young self needs to stop being so hot.
yeah, are you LARPING?
larping is sooo hot.
I think Carly is the First Knight of the Neon Kingdom, perhaps?
I cannot stop laughing. For real, uncontrollable laughter. I have not seen this particular image of Miss Usdin. You should bring back this look Carly, its obvs working for you here.
I know I have Avengers on the brain and all but I just realized that “Queer Women Eating Fire” is hot. Maybe it will make the list next year.
I wanted it to be on the list this year, but I couldn’t find an appropriate graphic. Somehow “lesbian avengers fire-eating” wasn’t the prosperous google search term I’d hoped for. Bah! Luckily, were someone to have one handy, there’s still 10 spots I didn’t fill yet, ’cause I was tired and wanted to go to bed. KazaaM!
How are you not on this list?!
I searched my personal archives and only found an old newspaper clipping. Sigh…no help here.
absolutely hilarious. considering i am, at any given time of day, about 1.5 degrees colder than “normal” body temp, being #83 on this list is pretty amazing.
i think dante’s inferno was listed twice?
this is seriously SO funny. so funny.
Dante’s inferno and Dante’s Cove is two different things.
#73
Strike a pose Riese! btw, your Team has a very bad attention span, it seems. Exept for Tinkerbell,..
OMG is Tink being squeezed again??
#71
Riese, is that your hand on that boob? I mean, you wear black nailpolish all the time, right?
Seriously, looks like that hand don’t belong to any of the two girls. It just has a different skintone and stuff. Obv Riese was there in the shower, already slipped and fallen, trying to get up again while supporting herself on that boob.
I wish I’d had a boob to hold on to. Instead I have a bruise on my left shoulder that’s about the size of um, you know. Lalala.
i don’t think i have sufficient words for this.
wow whoever is responsible for the ‘hot dog down a hallway’ graphic should be promoted immediately.
Also I’m really glad Donna Summer’s ‘Hot Stuff’ made the list.
yeah. i thought the same thing. stellar motion blur!
My coffee somehow just ended up in my nasal canal. This is hilars. Its even more brilliant that I hoped it would be.
this is beyond hilarious. the hot pockets man is sexayyy. and i’d like to thank alex and riese for finding that STUNNING picture of me. SO HOT!
haha this is too funny. i only went through afterellen’s top 20 before losing interest but this kept me laughing throughout. great job :)
You girls. You crazy, crazy girls. This list made my day, week, year, decade!
I hope my favorite, hot chocolate, makes it to the top 10 next year…fingers crossed.
Well, hell is a tough contender to beat. perhaps next year Maggie Gallagher will condemn us all to hot chocolate, and then we can have a serious party. I like marshmallows. Sidenote. In my hot chocolate.
I feel like this is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. Just sayin’
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I’m going to say that 92 is really hot. And 16 makes me uncomfortable.
hahaha this is fantastic. young carlytron is my favorite looking so fresh to death
This is so effing funny that I have to go lie down now. SRSLY!
Best hot 100 list. ever.
res evil: def the hottest shit around. falling in the shower also the greatest. super hawtt.
i can’t explain how much this made me laugh
(hint: a lot. especially the hot beef injection.)
may I add that the inclusion of Tegan also did /things/ for me.
i’m jealous of whoever gets to live where #73 was taken
Yeah, me too! It’s more of a burning jealousy, actually.
lolz!
well i hate to sound like the last person that says what everyone else has already said BUT:
this has melted my face with HOTNESS & PERFECTION. i’d be ok with you doing a Hot 100 every week. or how about a Cold 100? a Lukewarm 50? Wet 25? Shiny 44!
Oooh. A Cold 100 could be equally fun/funny!
Ann Coulter’s heart would be #1 hands down.
Also, on the “good” end of the list could be apparently Alex’s resting body temperature, thus requiring the drastic measures indicated here at item #52.
This is amazing.
This is the best birthday present I could hope to receive (also probs the only one as I’m on the other side of the world from my present giving folks).
I would very much like to see a shiny 44! Very soon.
“Looks like vadge!!” totally made me LMFAO LOL ROFL and beyond…..
im loving the fact that I have a new code word for smoking pot.. it can now just be im going to go #48, or im so 48. ( in high school we called it camp and that caught on way to quikly..going camping at lunch time was kinda a give away!)
great list!
I just LOLed at work seeing NBA Dancers on this list. We always make fun of the Heat b/c during the annual Dance Team Bracket on NBA.com — which the Heat have won four years running, for obvious reasons — their site turns into Maxim.
The Icy Hot patch! So hot right now! Sooth the burn!
One of the best 100 hot list i have come across!!!