Sex/Life is a series all about the secret sexy business of couples, throuples, exes who still fuck for some reason, LDR darlings, polyculites, and any other kind of amorous grouping your perfect heart can fathom. We send them nosey questions, they record themselves answering them, and we transcribe that conversation for all of us to enjoy. All names have been changed and any identifying details removed.

Want to share the sex story of your relationship? Email [email protected] for details.

Let’s meet our first couple!

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AJ (they/them) is 38 and works as an administrator in California. They enjoy nerding out on random shit like astrology, budgeting, and anything to do with murder mystery.

Natasha (she/her) is 60 and works as a therapist, also in California. She loves cooking and reading, and has a 25 year-old daughter.

AJ and Natasha’s relationship began as an affair before blossoming into the sweetest fucking unmarried monogamous situation that you’ve seen in a minute.

And this is how they fuck:

What was your sex life like when you first started dating?

Natasha: At first we were frantic because we just wanted to be together. And wherever we could do that, we would try to find a way!

AJ: When we first started seeing each other, Natasha and I were having an affair. So our sex life at the beginning felt very, in addition to frantic, um, stressful? Maybe not during the sex, but that period of time felt very stressful. It feels like our sex sort of soaked that stress energy in, and then processed it out into amazing sex, if that makes sense.

Natasha: No, completely. Because I felt super guilty and horrible about doing that. There was just something about AJ that I could not get away from.

AJ: The sex that I’d been having with my ex was terrible. It’s a miracle that relationship happened, that it lasted so long. So I think I was just like, um…

Natasha: Gobsmacked.

AJ: Yeah, basically! I was gobsmacked by my sex with Natasha and how great it was. It’s wild to think how much physical attraction there was from the get-go. Even though there’s a pretty significant age difference. We had sex multiple times a week. Sometimes multiple times a day. We worked together, so sometimes we would leave early from work and go have sex in a car.

Natasha: Underground parking, any empty parking lot.

AJ: The first time we ever had sex it was like a week after our first kiss, which happened after an employee holiday party.

Natasha: (Muffled) Oh my god.

AJ: So I stopped by Natasha’s place and I was like, fuck it, it’s gonna happen right now.

Natasha: And AJ started taking off their clothes right then and there and I was like what is happening??

AJ: We had sex right there, and Natasha was totally clothed, fun fact. It was amazing.

The other thing about Natasha is she makes noise, and my ex was silent, so it was great to hear nonverbal auditory feedback from my sex partner!

Natasha: (Laughs)

AJ: And as I was leaving Natasha’s house, her soon-to-be ex-wife was driving up, and that was—

Natasha: That wasn’t good.

AJ: It was not!

Natasha: She had already moved out, and even though she’d left me because she was having an affair with somebody else, she was mad at me because AJ was over. But that’s why I felt so guilty and weird about it, because in a way I was participating in what had just been done to me.

How does that earlier sex differ from now?

AJ: It’s definitely subsided, for sure.

Natasha: We don’t have to have sex in a car.

AJ: That stuff was exciting, but it’s also nerve wracking! We had this spot that we’d go to out by the mountains, but we were surrounded by houses, so I’d always be paranoid that somebody was close by?

So now it’s obviously mostly in a bed. We’re not meeting up clandestinely to have sex. So it’s not as stressful, but it’s more connected, more loving. I don’t know that there was love with our sex at the beginning. It was just lust.

Natasha: No, yeah: total, overwhelming lust.

AJ: Now it’s love, and it’s still hot! But not as often, not as frequent. Another thing about our sex that’s different now is — because I think in the beginning you were, would it be fair to say, self-conscious?

Natasha: Oh Yeah! You were 29 when we met. I’m a mother, I’m older, and that’s when my skin started going south, and the boobs were not what they used to be.

AJ: Once we met up in a hotel, and Natasha wanted to put a pillow over the lamp ’cause she didn’t want the light on.

Natasha: It was way too bright!

AJ: We don’t have any of that now. We know each other’s bodies, there’s a lot of safety and trust. We’re open to exploring, trying new things. I think I’m better at communicating what I want.

You don’t live together — how does that impact your sex life?

Natasha: We call ourselves the anti-Uhaulers. Living together eventually is the goal but the housing prices are crazy where we live. My 25-year-old daughter can’t afford to move out. There’s no way the three of us can fit into my smaller condo. But I wonder if our sex life will be different when we do live together, ‘cause now it’s basically just on the weekends.

I remember years ago I asked AJ, “So how many times a week would be ideal for you to have sex?” And they were like, “Oh, two to three times a week.” And I’m like, mm, really?

AJ: Wait, what does that mean—

Natasha: I was like “Oh yay!” because I’m 60 and I have hormone replacement therapy, so I have lots of testosterone in me, and it works well! So now it’s once a week, but if we lived together it might be more.

AJ: I’m curious about that too, because like, right now we don’t go to bed together typically, and we don’t wake up with each other. And even if we did live together, our bedtimes are different. Natasha’s such an early morning person, and I’m such a late night person. But maybe if we did live together and if [Natasha’s daughter] wasn’t there, like we would carpool to work together and get home together, and maybe we’d go at it right then and there? Like before dinnertime or anything else.

Natasha: That sounds nice.

AJ: I could see that! I remember at the beginning of our affair, I craved so much to just… sleep next to you. Not even to have sex, literally just to sleep next to you, and know what that feels like.

Natasha: I remember you saying that, writing that. And we only have that two days a week.

AJ: I’ve always had roommates, and Natasha is very particular about her routines and has a dog, so I sleep over at her place, usually on the weekends. Occasionally I’ll stay midweek. But her daughter lives there, which impacts her sex life — I don’t wanna be having sex in the house while she’s there.

Natasha: Yeah it’s creepy!

AJ: Girl! You swear you’ve—

Natasha: Well I can be quiet! And it can be kind of hot to have to be quiet!

AJ: Ok I agree! But the concept just feels weird to me, because I’ve also experienced that as a child with my parents, where I could hear them having sex and I’m like, ugh no.

Natasha: I do lock the door and we’re quiet, if it ever happens.

AJ: And luckily she’s a deep sleeper.

Natasha: But definitely that’s a thing, having a child in the house. Even with my ex-wife, when my daughter was small, it was like — she could just wake up anytime and walk in the room!

AJ: Yeah. Right before COVID she was at college, and that was actually kind of nice because we’d have sex in the living room and move to the bedroom—

Natasha: I moved the coffee table one time and put the big blanket on the floor in the living room.

AJ: That’s right! And it’s happened a few times, where we were either about to have sex or had just had sex, and Natasha’s daughter came home.

Natasha: Yes.

AJ: I would say in the past year, year and a half, there’ve been extended periods of time when Natasha’s daughter is always there, and Natasha’s like, “Is your roommate home? Can we go to your place?”

Natasha: And then it’s like, obviously calculated, scheduled sex! There’s no—

AJ: Spontaneity.

Natasha: “Ok, I’ll meet you at 3:00? We gotta be done at like, 3:45.”

AJ: Yes exactly. Having to text my roommate like, “Ummm hey are you gonna be home…?” But we still do it! We still do make it happen. It’s a priority.

Natasha: And if we didn’t have that, we’d do it in a car again, probably. We could always rent an RV and see what that’s like? It has wheels.

How has Natasha being a parent impacted your sex life?

Natasha: We had an issue this year with AJ and my daughter having a conflict, and AJ staying away for several weeks because of it. I felt caught in the middle, so having a kid at home is sort of in the way of our life, because AJ is not her parent.

AJ: I’m 13 years older than her, so closer in age to her daughter than to Natasha. I don’t want to be a parent or play a parental role in her daughter’s life, and that’s almost inevitable. I know the conflicts took a toll on our relationship, and certainly on you. I decided not to come over because I knew that Natasha’s daughter was upset. I wanted to talk about it and clear the air before I came back, but she avoided me like the plague.

Natasha: You did come over, when she wasn’t there, but didn’t spend the nights. I think that was probably the most difficult time for me as both a parent and a partner of somebody who has no interest in being a parent — which is great, obviously, you don’t have to want that, and my daughter was never going to accept AJ as a parent anyway. But thankfully that’s worked out, and my daughter understands the importance of it working out.

AJ: I’m sure it’s hard for a person who is in their sixties with a child in their mid-twenties, who’s back home—

Natasha: I am not in my sixties, I’m 60!

AJ: Ok fair, sorry! I’m sure it’s hard for a person who is 60 with a child in their mid-twenties, who’s back home when you thought that, at 18 or at least shortly after college, that you would kind of be done, and like this child would go out and sort of find their own way.

Natasha: Yes.

AJ: And I think that’s also exacerbated because you have a great relationship with your child and she leans on you a lot. You are very close, and home is a place that she wants to be. Versus for me, being home was a place that I couldn’t wait to leave.

Natasha: She does want to move out, she just doesn’t have the money to. I thought when she went to college I’d have empty nest syndrome and be so depressed, but that only lasted a week! I was like, oh my god, FREEDOM, this is amazing. Like, I don’t have to answer to anybody, drive anybody anywhere. This is incredible. So yeah, that was a great two years until Covid. And I always say like, if I have to have a 25-year-old roommate, she’s not the worst.

But I am 60 and I’m ready to just, fucking slow down and not have to be a parent still.

AJ: And also like, live your life the way you wanna live it, without having anyone encroaching on that. As you were talking, I was reminded that when we were first hooking up, your daughter was in high school, which… is weird to think about.

Natasha: Jesus, oh my god I forgot!

[More hysterical laughter]

AJ: Did that impact our sex life at all?

Natasha: No! Your partner impacted our sex life!

AJ: For sure, but I remember nights when I would sneak—

Natasha: Oh you would sneak into the back window of my house.

AJ: I’d sneak into the back yard because I couldn’t go in through the front door because Natasha’s daughter was there and you had an alarm, so she would’ve been like “who the fuck is this?”

Natasha: Well she doesn’t cuss, so she wouldn’t have said that.

AJ: One time I remember she was in the living room watching TV and I had to like, sneak past her to leave.

Natasha: Oh my goddd yeah. Wow.

AJ: But I guess you’re right, my relationship at the time impacted us more. We just—

Natasha: Had sex in a car.

AJ: For like, two-and-a-half years.

Natasha: Thankfully that’s when I had the bigger car.

AJ: But yeah you don’t feel comfortable asking your kid if you can have some time alone with me.

Natasha: Oh god no. Although I was about to, that time she was home for two weeks.

Do you have a top/bottom dynamic?

AJ: I think you should go first.

Natasha: Because I’m the top?

[Hysterical. Laughter.]

AJ: NO that is not why! I, that is not why!

Natasha: I think that’s the perception you have sometimes.

AJ: I don’t put a lot of importance on labels like that. I’m always joking when I talk about it. With my friends, I joke that I’m mostly a bottom. Am I opposed to being on top, or having top energy? No.

Natasha: I’ve never — my whole life — never related to these terms or used them. It just didn’t seem to fit me. I was never more the aggressor, the instigator, or the passive person, always both.

AJ: Does it seem like our relationship is similar, or would you say there’s a different dynamic than what you’ve experienced in the past?

Natasha: I’d say mostly similar. I think maybe I instigate more?

AJ: Mmmhmmm.

Natasha: And maybe that’s the hormones, but I’ve always been very sexual in my life. I think that it gives me things that it maybe doesn’t give you. Like even today, just feeling close and tender. Even though we did a five hour drive today — we didn’t have the radio on, we were just talking — so I already felt close to you, and tender, but then I felt like I just needed…

AJ: More.

Natasha: More. And sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t, but it sort of like, calms me down?

AJ: Yes, I would say that’s totally accurate — like it grounds you. And in the past, when you’ve been upset or there’s conflict between us, sex is something that helps with that.

Natasha: Mmmhmm, yes.

AJ: And you’re right, I don’t have the same relationship with that. For me, sex is more… I don’t know, lusty? Dirty? That’s my catholic upbringing! After orgasming I always feel the closeness, but I guess sex isn’t the first thing that I think of. I would much rather cuddle with you than achieve it through sex.

Natasha: Well honestly, just when you were rubbing my head? Like, just touching my skin, that’s just as good.

AJ: Oh really?

Natasha: Yeah! But if I’m naked and you’re touching my skin then, I mean, you can’t help yourself.

AJ: We should test that! But yeah, I do think you have more top energy than I do.

Natasha: Because I have more sexual energy. I mean that’s the only reason, to me.

AJ: And the other thing — and I don’t know if I’ve ever said this to you — but in the beginning, I was definitely self-conscious, having sex with you. From the perspective of like, “This person has been having sex for longer than I’ve been alive. Literally.” And so I think that some of that passivity was from thinking you had so much more experience than I had. I think I just sort of acquiesced to that role, a little bit. And maybe I still do.

Natasha: That makes sense.

AJ: I think I’m better at telling you, and guiding you, and using my words to guide you, if I need a shift.

Natasha: I think I’ve gotten better.

AJ: You have! You have, 100%.

Natasha: And I’ve gotten better at it because I know you like that.

AJ: I do! Tell me what to do and I’ll do it really well! Remember I would joke in the past that I would be more passive because I didn’t have the arm strength? I was like, I can’t fucking hold myself up, this shit is exhausting!

Natasha: Yes! Meanwhile the 60 year-old is like going, going, going.

AJ: Yes, for real!

Natasha: Yes, thank you for going to the gym.

Do you feel like your sex drives are well matched?

AJ: I think so, yeah, for the most part. They’ve shifted over the years.

Natasha: I’ve noticed that if my daughter’s home all weekend or you’re sick or whatever — when we have to wait more than a week? That we can’t! Like today!

AJ: There was maybe a small period of time, before we went to couple’s therapy, when your sex drive was a little more dominant than mine.

Natasha: Well I think that was probably also because of my insecurities about the age difference. I was like, fuck, you’re 23 years younger and we used to do it all the time —

AJ: When it wasn’t happening…

Natasha: I was like Oh I’m old and ugly! But I was afraid you didn’t want me because I’m old and starting to sag.

AJ: No, no — your body is incredible. I’ve always thought that. I think I just wanted to be close to you without that always being where we end up. Because there’s some days I’m really horny, and I’ll tell you: I’m fucking horny!

Natasha: I know! And do I ever say no?

AJ: Nope!

Natasha: So even today. We just drove five hours. We’re in a really nice hotel and we were just laying here resting, and I could just feel my body responding. Just laying next to you. We’re both reading and I’m so distracted! And that always happens.

AJ: Yeah that doesn’t happen to me.

Natasha: I know!

AJ: But I know it happens to you, so I … sort of let things happen as they do, because I love you.

Natasha: I mean sometimes it’s annoying.

AJ: For you?

Natasha: Yeah! Because there’s the potential I’ll be rejected. Not actually rejected, but my advances.

AJ: Have I done that? Lately, rejected you?

Natasha: No, not in a long time.

[Editor’s note: There’s a specific kind of murmuring and pause here that leads me to believe the rest of the answers will be PRETTY CHARGED IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.]

Are there things you don’t like to do during sex?

Natasha: I’ll do anything? Especially if you ask me to.

AJ: Are there things you don’t like to do? Scissor?

Natasha: Well that’s just weird. I mean, pointless waste of energy. But I mean, it can be fun! The sounds, the noises. But other than that… like the gay guys at work joke about women scissoring, and I’m like, Is that what you think we do? And then I can’t help when that happens, thinking of that.

AJ: Well we’ve done it a couple of times, but no it’s not our go-to. I will say, I don’t like to use a vibrator. You do, which is not a problem, but…

[Thinking]

AJ: Let me ask you this. Sometimes, almost every time, when I make it towards your butthole, you make a noise, like—

Natasha: It’s just surprising!

AJ: [Attempts to make the noise] “Ooop!” I CAN’T DO IT I CAN’T DO IT.

[HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER]

AJ: So that noise is out of surprise? As opposed to like, “I don’t wanna do this.”

Natasha: Yeah I think it’s still interesting to me, because I’ve had beads in my ass, and fingers, and then when your face is there, it’s like oh! Wait! Ass play is interesting, I wouldn’t say I don’t like to do it.

AJ: What about to me though? I don’t know if you ever do it to me.

Natasha: Well there are other issues.

AJ: Well I think we should be open about what other issues there are.

Natasha: Well because you poop like four times a day! I go once in the morning and I’m clean!

AJ: So you’re worried!

Natasha: If you just got out of the shower, and you were like “Hey, let’s do stuff”? Yeah, for sure.

AJ: Ok. Other things I don’t like to do is penetration when I’m on my period. I feel like you wouldn’t mind though.

Natasha: Oh no, not at all.

Are there specific things you like to do during sex?

AJ: There was at least one thing you’ve told me that I’ve held in my memory, that you really liked it. I don’t do it every time, but I’m curious if you’re gonna say it.

Natasha: I was thinking more like, specific things I like to do to you.

AJ: Ohhhh fascinating! I was taking this more as like—

Natasha: And that’s my problem, right? That I’m not thinking about myself.

AJ: Hahaha yep! You got it!

Natasha: I love to go down on you.

AJ: SAME. Same. That’s one of my favorites.

Natasha: What was the thing you were thinking of, that I really like?

AJ: You said you liked it when you’re laying down and someone is perpendicular, and sucking your clit, as opposed to like, laying the same direction you are.

Natasha: I think that’s changed — it’s great! But that’s changed. I think specifically what I like is just a fuck ton of teasing.

AJ: Really??! THIS IS LIKE, TOTALLY NEW TO ME ! What the fuck!?

Natasha: I know. I know. I’m saying it right now. It’s your birthday.

AJ: Wow thank you! I wish that I knew this before! Because I love that shit!

Natasha: I know.

AJ: Then what the hell!

Natasha: Well sometimes with you, honestly, because of our sexual energy, most of the time I couldn’t take it, and so it didn’t happen. So intentionally to do that, at this point, would be fun.

AJ: Let’s do it! Because the story in my head is that you’re somebody that likes pretty hard pressure.

Natasha: My impression is that you think I want to have sex to come and that’s the whole thing.

AJ: No, no. I don’t think that’s what you’re searching for the whole time, no. But would you say that you do like strong pressure? On your clit?

Natasha: Half the time? It depends. But also I can have very little pressure if the teasing has happened.

AJ: So a specific thing I like to do — I told you pretty early on that I think this comes from when I was a kid, my masturbation was mostly me humping the edge of a bed? And I don’t think I’ve done it with other people as much as I’ve done it with you…

Natasha: …Am I a mattress to you?

AJ: No! Of course not! Of course not. But with other people it would be against a thigh. Whereas with you, it’s you on your stomach and then me getting on top of you, and basically rubbing my clit on you until I orgasm. That’s like, the final position. Would you say that’s almost always a guaranteed way for me to come?

Natasha: Yes, and it’s hot. I love it.

AJ: I love going down on you. I do like assplay with you. Maybe it’s because I know your asshole is so clean.

Natasha: And I have butt wipes in my bathroom.

AJ: Yeah licking your butthole is fun.

Natasha: We can do more of that.

AJ: I love us rubbing clits. You’re the best one I’ve ever had.

Natasha: I’m the biggest one you’ve ever had.

AJ: I don’t know. I love to do everything with you.

Natasha: Same, I’m so open to anything.

AJ: Also I go in seasons. Like one of the last times we had sex, I really wanted you to like, stick it in me.

Natasha: Mhm.

AJ: And then we go months and months where I never ask for that. I was thinking about that today. I was like, did I want that because I was emotionally empty and I needed something to—

Natasha: Fill you up.

AJ: Yeah exactly, no really! Really.

Natasha: No really, yeah. Especially with everything that’s going on.

AJ: Early on I remember you fucking me with a dildo, or with a strap-on, which was something I really craved at that time, but not as much now. And I asked you to, after you went down on me, to penetrate me with your fingers.

Natasha: I remember that. That was the first time I went down on you. You messed up the whole comforter.

AJ: Shut up!

Natasha: You did!

What are some things you’d like to try (or try again)?

Natasha: Believe me, I use my imagination all the time. I’m always trying to think of things. I’m always trying to think of something different.

AJ: Oh really?? You know what I do want to try? I think it would be fun to go out someplace, pretend that we’re strangers.

Natasha: The roleplay thing. We tried that once and I just started laughing. I couldn’t stop. I only successfully roleplayed once in my life and I was 17. So I know it can work — we were riding a city bus in Portland, pretending we didn’t know each other. We got home and we were ready. But… we were 17, so.

AJ: But I think it would result in the same thing now!

Natasha: We can’t do it in the city we live in because everybody knows us. We’re in a strange town for a few days…

AJ: Is there something you’d want to try again? Maybe like, a fuck against the wall or something?

Natasha: I mean, anything! I think you haven’t worn a strap-on in a loooong time.

AJ: Girl you don’t ask me! I’m happy to! I think I’d be better at it now.

Natasha: Oh that’s right! You’ve been going to the gym.

Sometimes if we’re just hanging out on a Sunday afternoon, watching TV, you just come over and put your hand down my pants. Like out of the blue.

AJ: I could do that.

Natasha: I also like… outside sex? Something risky? That’s why the car didn’t bother me as much as it did you.

AJ: I think dirty talk is an area we could improve.

Natasha: I know you like that. Mhm. I’m tryyyying, I could try harder. It doesn’t feel natural.

AJ: You’re such a cutie. Well we would sext before?

Natasha: Well I’m good at writing. I’m a writer, not a talker.

AJ: Do you like receiving it, or?

Natasha: It gives me information. It’s not like it’s a turn-on — it’s a turn-on in that it gives me information. So I like hearing it.

AJ: Because you want to please.

How important are orgasms to your sex life?

AJ: I don’t know that I’ve ever thought about this before, or realized it before, but I think it’s important that at least one person does? I don’t know how I’d feel if neither of us orgasmed. Has that happened?

Natasha: It’s definitely not the most important thing. But on an emotional level, I definitely can’t have orgasms during casual sex, I have to feel a connection. So doing that with you, means you’re my person, I feel safe with you.

AJ: Do you ever feel any sort of way if I don’t orgasm and you do?

Natasha: I have, because it’s probably at times when you’ve been really distracted with other things, but I’m an adult, I know shit happens. With my sensitivity and my own stuff, I wonder if something’s off with the relationship.

AJ: It’s probably more important to me that my partner comes than I do. Because we’ve established that your drive is a little more than mine, so because of that I feel like it’s part of being a good partner, I guess? Like if I’m not the person that’s instigating as often as you are — and it’s not because I feel any pressure from you that you have to — but I just want to be a good partner. I want to please you. Also if I wanted to come I would just tell you.

Natasha: Oh that’s happened, too.

AJ: Oh really?

Natasha: And you’ve said that to me, like “If you just want to get off, tell me, and we can do it.”

AJ: Like instead of a reciprocal thing. Yeah. There’ve maybe been a handful of times when we’ve had sex and I’ve been frustrated that I can’t come, but that had nothing to do with you. That was more to do with me.

Natasha: You’re in your head a lot.

AJ: Exactly, I can’t get out of my head. I think we’re pretty balanced — no one’s too selfish or too giving. There was a period of time when I would make sure you come first before I’d do anything for myself.

Natasha: I remember you saying that and thinking that it has to happen that way, but it didn’t happen that way today.

AJ: Right!

Natasha: Breaking the routine!

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Sex/Life is a series all about the secret sexy business of couples, throuples, exes who still fuck for some reason, LDR darlings, polyculites, and any other kind of amorous grouping your perfect heart can fathom. You can join them by emailing [email protected]! (No writing experience necessary.)