Modern Family, Happy Endings, Up All Night and New Girl happened again this week. I guess they haven’t been abruptly canceled after three episodes.

New Girl, which has been picked up for a full season, is going to be bringing on Lizzy Caplan, who you have a crush on, for a multi-episode story arc. Up All Night has also been granted a full-season order.

+

New Girl

by Brittani

This week on New Girl, the boys continue to tell Jess she’s weird and should change who she is. Do friends say that to each other? I thought that kind of degradation was reserved for significant others.

Schmidt: We’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself…in any way.

When she has the teeth in, she reminds me of Miley Cyrus.

The roommates are at Steve and Bree’s Asian-Jewish wedding. Schmidt runs into his usual wedding hook-up, Gretchen (Natasha Lyonne). She wears pants suits and lets him know that she plans on having sex with him at the end of the night. Uugh. Gross. Women on this show. Look at them with their confidence and personality quirks.

Gretchen: I’m gonna tie you down and show you pictures of my river rafting trip.

Schmidt would much rather go home with Brooke (Katie Cassidy) who was the hot girl in college. Now she is as interesting as a cardboard box. Which is a disservice to cardboard boxes because kids and cats both love them shits. She also is a recovering alcoholic. That’s all we know about her. Really she serves to let us know Schmidt was “Fat Schmidt” in college and perhaps that helps explain why he is a complete turd basket. Now he’s overcompensating and trying to prove he’s a different, better person now because he’s “more attractive” or some such. I don’t know. I didn’t major in psychology.

Winston’s storyline was boring and stupid again. He got into an usher off with a little kid, then a dance off, and then he offered Jess the encouragement she needed to help Nick. That’s right. It was Jess’s turn to fix people this time. Nick’s ex, Caroline, was at the wedding and she does that thing that ex’s do. You know, flirt with you just enough that you can’t quite let go. You know what I’m talking about. You probably do it. You’re so manipulative. Don’t do that. It’s mean.

Jess: Come on in honey. The water’s fine.

Jess pretends to be Nick’s girlfriend and while trying to help, she drives Brooke and Caroline away. Nick ends up drunk and whiny in a photobooth but the only person he wants to talk to is Jess. She tells him he has to cut Caroline off. He listens and is all the better for it. Then they all forgive Jess and celebrate by doing a Craigslist mating ritual which we’re told is the chicken dance in slow motion.

Some people probably wanted Jess to tell them to screw off but then there wouldn’t be a show. So where do they go from here? Does Jess keep being Jess and they keep hating her for it? Does she change? Do they accept that women can have personalities? Because that’s the real problem isn’t it? She’s not there to please them. She’s there to figure out how to be happy and enjoy life and neither of those things necessitate she wears sexy dresses or stops liking the things that she likes. The woman that we see on TV standing up for herself and doing her, so to speak, is also childlike and at times, clueless. Do these things contradict? Or is this a realistic portrayal? Do you know a Jess? Are you a Jess? Should we all take pictures holding signs that say “I am Jess” to protest nothing in particular but because it’s seems like something people would do if they wanted to make a point?

+

Modern Family

by Lizz

This week’s Camitchell plot line was pretty typical. One was mad because the other Always Does This. Lilly made a brief but adorable appearance. Did you know that the actress who plays Lilly on Modern Family was actually recast? It’s a new little actress! God why didn’t anyone tell me? Here I was walking around thinking the actress had just grown…a lot.. really fast.

WHIPPED CREAM PRINCESS CROWN

Elsewhere, Claire gets herself in to a tizzy about traffic. Again. No one in the family would help her out, but then, like magic/comedy writing, they all do. Phil spent the whole episode being goofy and appealing to Luke as they tried to recreate for an accidental off-the-head basketball shot for Youtube.

I WONDER HOW MANY TIMES THEY HAD TO SHOOT THIS TO GET IT RIGHT "THE FIRST TIME"

Even more elsewhere, Jay forces Manny to go around selling wrapping paper to build character because Jay subscribes to the method of parenting pioneered by Dad in Calvin and Hobbs. Actually, I think it’s been quite heartwarming the way Jay has slowly begun to treat Manny like he’s his son. Jay even says, “I’m an old parent.” While that sentimental stuff is going on, Gloria loses the dog (Stella) because she leaves the gate open and she has to find her before Jay realizes what she’s done. And Ricky still won’t let Lucy be in the show! I don’t want to say this show is getting formulaic, but….

Why Close the Gate?:

Gloria: “We live in a nice neighborhood. What are you afraid of? That some money is going to fly in and then your gardener is going to have to rake it up?”

Oh. I’m sorry. Did I say this show was getting formulaic? What I meant to say was David Cross guest stared as the head of the Traffic Council!

IT'S NOT AN ICE CREAM CAKE

next: Up All Night and Happy Endings

+

Up All Night

by Lizz

This week, Chris and Reagan had to deal with trading in Reagan’s sweet BMW convertible for a family car. While I normally try my best to suspend my disbelief for sitcoms, Reagan having to “trade in her car” makes absolutely no sense. She’s supposed to be a goddamn executive producer for a major daytime TV show. Shouldn’t she have enough money to keep her car and buy a new one?

IT'S NOT EVEN THAT NEW OF A BMW

Speaking of the big deal producer job, Ava decides that her show, Ava isn’t nitty gritty intellectual enough. Anyways, she decides to have a big deal economics guy on and now she has to read A Whole Book by the end of the week. I would make fun of the writers here, except it did take me a week to get through Richard III so maybe they’re on to something.

READING IS HARD

Since getting a car and reading are so hard, everyone gets drunk and procrastinates. Probs the parents should not be getting drunk while they don’t have a babysitter present. Since, like, um, they have a baby and stuff (who’s actually barely appeared in the show thus far). The drunkenness results in Ava not reading the book and the happy couple buying an Awesome Van from a questionably offensive character.

IF THEY GET A DOG, NOW THEY CAN RIDE AROUND SOLVING MYSTERIES

Luckily everything resolves itself after Gob decorates Reagan’s new mommymobile with the trippy van-eque exterior decals. Also during her interview with the economics guy, Ava changes the subject to bullying and the guest cries. This is a good thing because obviously people who watch daytime TV only want to see emotional breakdowns about traumatic life experiences. Does Oprah have a problem with there existing a sitcom exclusively designed to make fun of her show?

As you probably gathered from my mindless chatter, I’m still a bit bored by Up All Night. This episode was better than the ones before, but I still won’t be shocked if it gets canceled. Obviously everyone in the world is protesting the end of Arrested Development by preventing Will Arnett from having another TV career. Did you know this show is based on someone’s actual life sort of?

+

Happy Endings

by Brittani

Seated around that table they’re always seated around in that one restaurant they always go to, we discover Jane donated an egg freshman year of college so she could afford to go to Cabo. Now she’s wondering about her over-achieving egg baby and probably doesn’t remember most of what happened in Cabo. Such is life. She’s so worried about it, it interrupts her and Brad’s sexy times.

Jane: How did you now know that was a dress?

Brad: I had my suspicions but the price was right and daddy likes a deep tuck.

Max rented out Dave’s room to help cover his half of rent only to have Dave return home early because of a sewage mishap in Wisconsin. Speaking of Wisconsin and the Midwest in general, these people never wear coats. Later in the episode, a Bears game is mentioned. It should be a little brisk if it’s football seasons. Not even a jacket? A sweatshirt? Nothing with a lining?

Alex comes up with the idea of selling baby shirts to boost sales. Little does she know that wearing shirts 16 years too small is the new high school craze. When three high school girls are in the store looking to make a purchase, Alex attemps to tell them the shirts are for babes because she’s a pusher. She pushes people. Her attempt is thwarted by the girls who compliment her and Penny rendering them ineffective. I feel like being unpopular in high school doesn’t make as big a difference on people in real life as it does on TV. You can’t even where your varsity jacket past graduation without getting made fun of. And those coats are comfortable and expensive. It’s not fair.

Brad and Jane go searching for the egg. They find her only to discover she’s become a baby tee wearing brat. Jane wants to help so she shows up at her school in something worse than a mom van — the Free Candy van. After all the work she put in stalking it turns out the kid isn’t Jane’s egg. Apparently Jane submitted a follow-up video to the potential parents that made her seem off her rocker.

A gaggle of teenagers tap a keg in Alex’s dressing room and throw a party in the store. Penny has to choose between hanging with the popular girls/potentially seeing the guy she was in love with in high school or helping Alex clean up. She heads to the mall only to be ditched by the teens. She returns to the store with Sbarro, everyone’s favorite mall pizza chain. Does Sbarro exist outside of malls and terminals? No, right?

Max begs Dave to let him work on the truck. That’s as disastrous as one would imagine and he gets fired.

Max: Have you not heard the phrase no shirt, no shoes, no service?

Customer: Yeah. I’ve heard that phrase.

Max: Well you’re wearing flip flops, bro. Those don’t count as shoes.

Left with only one other option, getting a real job, he sells his Beanie Baby collection and buys an 80’s limo. After spending the day at O’Hare Airport, he has the money he needs thanks to a generous tipping Jewish couple.

Ratings have been up for the show. Does that mean you’re watching? What do you think?

Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!