The Real L Word Season 3: Brace Yourself For Terror, Nudity, Eyeliner, Recaps

You were probably planning on living out the rest of your day not thinking about how terrible it would be to have someone film your life, then edit it to tiny unrecognizable bits, then sew those bits back together and package them as reality and then sell that stitched up reality to Showtime for what must be an ungodly amount of money, otherwise why would it keep happening??? Weren’t you?

Well strap on (GET IT) your disappointment hats because today’s the day you get to watch the very first teaser for Showtime’s Most Poorly Edited and Brain Numbingly Boring Epicenter of Lesbian *Reality, The Real L Word!

via Jeff Lipsky

Don’t even ask me how you’re ever supposed to listen to “Rebel Girl” again without thinking of this moment, because I have no idea.

Whitney, Romi, Sara, Kacy and Cori will be returning for a third round of what-the-fuck-ever and this season will also see the show expand to both coasts, with an LA cast and a New York City cast. From Entertainment Weekly, these are the bios of the new cast members (which includes members of the band Hunter Valentine, who are smokin’ hot):

Lauren (CEO of jewelry company) – LA
Claiming L.A. as the hub of the lesbian scene in America, Lauren and her friends are having a great time in the middle of it all. A committed bachelor, Lauren is anxiously awaiting the move from NYC of her best friend with benefits, Amanda. But when Amanda arrives in Lauren’s home, it’s hard to keep her emotions at bay as this non-couple navigate their relationship.

Kiyomi (rock band front woman) – NYC
Kiyomi is the ultra-cool, heartbreaking rock star at the center of Hunter Valentine. A natural leader, Kiyomi is extremely stubborn and fiercely committed to the band that she believes is on the brink of making it big. Along with band mates Laura, Vero, and Somer, Kiyomi is trying to balance a relationship at home with the demands of a rock star lifestyle.

Somer (rock band rhythm guitarist) – NYC
Somer is having trouble trying to live a “normal” life, including domestication, babies and, property with her new wife, yet still stay on the adrenaline-and-whiskey-infused rock star train that is her all-lesbian punk band. Since angsty Somer was voted by friends as “most likely to break a bottle at a bar,” it’s easy to see her conundrum. The newest member of Hunter Valentine is still struggling to figure out where she fits in this band of alpha females, but insists on having fun while she’s doing it.

Amanda (PR/real estate/socialite) – NYC/LA
Amanda’s making the move to the West Coast to reunite with her BFF and partner in crime, Lauren. At home in high society, Amanda won’t hesitate to call out anyone who doesn’t make the grade. A true New Yorker at heart and known as a high-energy jetsetter, Amanda finds it difficult to jibe with the relaxed SoCal attitude.

Also, I just want to say one thing. We held an Ask-Us-Anything panel at our A-Camp event last weekend and it was a blasty blast; I couldn’t have enjoyed myself more if Rachel had been naked and covered in strawberry pancake syrup. An audience member, Kate (hi Kate!), asked Riese if she’d be recapping the third season of The Real L Word, and of course Riese said yes because, of course, Riese likes traffic. But then! We polled the audience to see how many of them only read the recaps and NEVER watch the show and do you know what we learned?? Hardly a single damn one of you watch the actual show! You’re only in it for the recaps.

I just think that’s important to remember, when you’re thinking about how your day was going to be just fine and then this post happened.

Sorry.

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Laneia

Laneia has written 311 articles for us.

92 Comments

  1. I don’t watch The Real L Word either, but my horror of its very existence is always countered by the hilarity of Riese’s recaps. I bet this season’s gonna suck, which means the recaps are gonna be awesome!

    I am kind of excited for Kiyomi, though.

      • Is it just me or are all the girls in the foreground of that promo shot dressing way femme-ier than their real style? The dress Romi is wearing really stands out to me as something she… wouldn’t wear? But then again, what do I know.

        • all I could think of is the fact that romy did in fact strap on a (disappointment) hat for the occasion.you go girl.

        • The show is for straight men. So I’m sure they’ve femmed it up accordingly.

          The whole thing makes me sick.

          I don’t watch the show either and doubt I ever will.

          I’m in it for Riese.

  3. Wait. I think people SAY they don’t watch the show because they’re just embarrassed about the fact that they DO watch the show.

    You know what, yes the show is stupid and my IQ drops 10 pts every time I watch it, but I do intelligent things like, 90% of the time so I’m allowed. I watch the show AND I read the recaps AND I love them.

    • I was going to say the same thing. I wasn’t at A-Camp, but when I’ve been asked if I’ve seen the show before I usually deny it even though I watched most of the 2nd season after reading the recaps.

      Also, when people take group polls like that I usually just never put up my hand unless everyone else does.

      • Actually, the hands up were for those who don’t watch the show. And it took about .04 seconds for dozens of gay little hands to enthusiastically fly into the air.
        It was a beautiful thing.

  4. I tried watching an episode once. I couldn’t really discuss it afterwards because every time I tried, my horrified brain would crawl out of my mouth and die. This show is beyond awful….

    which is why I was so surprised when I got excited that season 3 would be starting soon! I’m glad this show exists, if only because it means we can enjoy Riese suffering for our entertainment.

    Yay recaps! :D

  6. Also, love the diversity of the cast. Thanks for representing the community, IFC!

    *sigh*

      • Recall that Romi is biracial (latina), when she talked about how she called her line “Mija” – and Kiyomi is a Japanese name, so probably also biracial… though admittedly both of these seem a bit whitewashed – mostly white friends.

        However, I am glad they got rid of possessive temper-tantrum “I moved out here because I was a fan of the show” Sadjah, and boring-and-bad-taste Francine.

        • Yup. Even so, still lighter, brighter, thinner and more femme. Soo…………..

          yeah.

          Diversity is still a missing factor here. Whatever we gotta do to keep those viewers I guess. I’m just going to stick to my webseries circuit because mainstream lesbian television is a hopeless case.

  7. Why would they ruin Bikini Kill like that… :( also I’m surprised Hunter Valentine wants to get mixed up in this shitstorm.

  9. Have not watched an episode yet, but have read every recap. I feel bad that I play a part in making Riese watch this shit show, but her recaps are soooooo good.

  10. This show makes me all sorts of furious and sad. But…if a soul-ess sorry excuse for a human wanted to pay me to exploit myself and perpetuate (as well as create) erroneous stereotypes of “my people”….I totally would. Momma likes expensive things.

  11. it hurts to watch the real l word.

    I totally watch nikki & jill’s flipcams though (and they really should come back soon). They’re so cute it’s beyond redemption.

  12. I definitely only read the recaps, I don’t have a tv and reading recaps somehow makes me feel smarter than actually watching the show. Like reading subtitles. But I am upset about the fact that there is now another lesbian named Kiyomi and she is for some reason on this show, thus single handedly destroying my mojo.

  13. I watch the show!

    But I always have to watch it with someone else or else I pause at all the awkward bits and am afraid to hit play again and I do that for all tv on the internet, which is all tv, but with this show it will take me like hours to get through an episode with all the uncomfortable feelings I am feeling and my inability to hit play.

    • I have to watch this with someone else too otherwise I have no one to scream and cringe and yell WTF!!!???? with. Watching it alone seems awkward because I don’t care about the cast or [lack of] story. I just watch it for the social activity that is yelling at the TV.
      That leaves me uncertain of whether I will watch this season since I broke up with my girlfriend and all my friends are straight… I will 100% read the recaps though.

  14. Dang it, I probably will watch this season because of Hunter Valentine. *face palm*

  15. The show is just too awkward. I just can’t. I DIE for the recaps though. Can’t wait!

  16. this belongs in the photoshop of horrors — kacy and cori are on an entirely different set (looks like last year’s photoshoot, actually), and sara is missing an arm, for starters

  17. I’m sorry, you lost me at “Rachel naked and covered in strawberry pancake syrup.”

    (wut, I just like strawberries)

  18. Is it bad that I’m actually really excited for this show to start back up again? Yea…

  19. That photoshop job is just…beyond. Though frankly (and I’m basing this on the recaps because I don’t own a tv and therefore don’t even have to bother lying about not watching this shitshow), from what I understand, Kacy and Cori are kind of photoshopped into…the whole thing. Like IFC actually had two shows but realized that semi-normal lesbians don’t excite viewers, so she just spliced the clips together to make it seem like those two are a part of this mess.

  21. This show is horrific in exactly the same way as Glee, do I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns? Abso-figgin-lutely! But I will watch it and laugh at the insanity that is IFC and then I will laugh at the brilliance of the recaps!
    Also… the promo photo what the actual fuck are they wearing?!

  23. I’m much more interested in when the parody video from season 2 is coming out… come on guys its been months lol

    And Whitney in a dress… oh lord, not an image I expected to ever see.

  24. whitney is hot, but she looks kind of ridiculous in that dress. and this show in general is ridiculous. why do they keep this trainwreck going.

    i also see they don’t have any black or asian people in the cast anymore…sigh. couldn’t they have at least kept vivian? her arrogant little girlfriend was absurd, but she was lovely.

      • i’d still rather see gorgeous vivian again then pretty much anyone on the show now. she was…wow.

    • vivian was so gorgeous she was the reason I continued to watch TRLW. The few episodes she was in I watched several times just for her appearances. hahaha I would like a vivian for myself >W< why doesn't she come back to the show

  25. I watched the last seasons. Then again, I love bad television a lot, a lot, a lot. That being said, not feeling Whitney in a dress nor the lack of melanin in the cast. Romi’s got a couple of shades on her, but that’s it. Just because Sadjah was a mess last season, didn’t mean she had to take the entire idea of black representation in the cast along with her! Way to go, IC.

    *sigh* I’m happy to see Cori and Kacy back, at least (more-so Kacy because she’s like this big cloud of gentleness) along with Kelsey, my eye-candy. I’ve heard of Hunter Valentine but not enough of their music to have an opinion. Hopefully they’ll be interesting.

    • Also if you’re going to be in NYC, must you ignore the vibrant scenes of queer WOC out there like really doing shit?

      I mean, there’s a QUEER NIGERIAN community in BROOKLYN for god’s sakes. Maybe, people don’t actually want to be trainwrecks who apart of the show and therefore knowing that they have jobs outside of the entertainment industry wouldn’t want to be on the show. But like, whatever…

      So glad for the article on AS about Harlem earlier this year! At least somebody’s thinking about it…

    • I hate to be another big cloud of serious and negative…but I’m really surprised to see Kacy and Cori back. I don’t watch the show myself, but I read somewhere that they suffered a serious personal tragedy this past year, and now they’re handing their lives over to The Chaikenator and Showtime to cut and paste and boost their ratings?
      Their life, their tragedy, their choice…but I’m really shocked to hear that and I hope it doesn’t go as I’m imagining it will.

  26. “going BI-…wait for it…COASTAL” ha! IFC, good one
    if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like one…it probs is a lesbian porno for men in a reality show costume
    but yay,recaps!

  27. It’s cool how this show can fuck right off for using “Rebel Girl” for that idiocy.

  29. It’s a shame – Showtime was doing so well lately creating QUALITY original series with strong female leads. Homeland, Nurse Jackie, (formerly) Weeds, Shameless, The Big C…then there’s TRLW – the show that keeps hanging on. Which one of these is not like the other?

    I’m not going to lie – I’m probably going to end up watching it. But I’ll do it with a scowl on my face and I won’t be happy about it…it’s all we have (now that Lip Service has driven itself off a bloody cliff – after hitting a pedestrian in the street).

  30. They used the best song ever in their teaser :( That song is not for youuuuuu IFC D:

  32. omg……….no francine my heart can’t go on. i don’t like this show, it’s bland as hell. i do watch it though because then i know what reise is talking about on her recaps. honestly, they’re the only thing that keep me watching

  33. Wow. That photo is just sad… the producers threw Whitney in an awkward dress (like all that makeup they slap on her and Kacy for promo shoots), plus Kacy/Cori and their anything-but-size-0 bodies hidden in the back (though I think Cori got preggers), and two of the newbies just need some meat on their bones.

    And thanks to Amity for the link… it’s clear that Sara had a drunken nap in the tanning bed. Darker than a Latino. http://www.contactmusic.com/photo/sara-bettencourt-rose-garcia-gay-pride-2011-day-2-after-party-held-at_5673111

    • Ew!!! She looks horrible!!!
      And though I agree that that is entirely tanning bed/bronzer/spray tan and not her natural color by any means, I just wanted to say that comparing her to Rose just bc she is Latina is a bit weird! There are light skinned Latinos as well and also I feel like Sara might have some Latin blood as well.

      • very true, plenty of latinas who are light. I’m not aware of any ethnicity (either claimed, as in Romi, or in the forefront) in Sara – but it’s clear the booze/drugs are clouding her skin’s self-perception!

      • Sara is Portuguese, which is Latin in a sense, but yeah, she is nowhere near that dark. Better ease up on the tanning before it catches up to her.

        And looking at the picture, Rose is really a very pretty woman but her personality is so repugnant that it ruins even her physical beauty. Is she still running around acting like an 18 year old frat boy?

  35. I would watch it so that i could do my own mini recaps (complete with screen caps) to send to my lady. Seriously. It’s a freaking train wreck and that’s why i love it.
    As a side note- I’ve been meaning to find someone in the LA area who would be willing to host TRLW viewing sessions. I will bring delicious desserts (I was going to say “killer desserts” but then realized that my phrasing was very stranger danger sounding). I am without cable/tv and feel like TRLW is something that is better when watched as a collective audience.

  38. Friends of mine in New Haven have asked me “Are girls in LA really like that?” I reassure them NO, not all lezzies are like that in LA or NYC for that matter…(yeah, I’ve been around- lived for years in both cities) This is such a load of crap show, but fun for the recaps and comments here. I just hope that younger gals who watch the Lame Word don’t think they have to emulate these women to be ‘cool’.

    • With that said, I hope the Hunter Valentine girls will do it some justice! I love those girls! They are playing in June right around the corner from my old NYC apt…I wish I still lived there so I could have a ‘pre-game’ party. Maybe they’ll end up at cubby…not Hen’s.

  39. Okay so as much as I think show is a joke I wanted to watch it purely for Kiyomi because I’m like in creepy swim fan love with her. I think I’m going to reconsider watching her and her girlfriend make out…My sadness over her having a girlfriend is worse than my last breakup. (don’t judge me)

  40. Don’t tell Ilene, but I’m only in it for the Autostraddle recaps too. Shh….(they are just so damn good!)

  41. i’m slightly concerned that this show will negatively impact the epic crushes i have on kiyomi and somer

  42. I’m just sitting here thinking what the fuck is Whitney doing in that little dress!! Shame on you showtime.

  44. I saw the entire season 2 so the parody would make sense to me….now, where’s the parody???

    PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

    :(

  45. Hahaha, man, reading description after description of the cast’s completely fake-sounding “careers” kills me: “But she isn’t stopping there; Romi is also exploring opportunities in the music industry and nurturing a hosting career.” what does it even meeeean

  46. It makes me wonder if IFC was in a relationship with a man before she fell in love with a woman.

  47. i can’t wait for the show to start im in it for whitney idc what people say i think the show has lots of potiential and also that so wat if the girls are wearing dresses its a cover shot. they never look like themselves till you watch the show. i mean they all have their own style and i can’t wiat to see how much the hoe around this year lol . i still love it though not gonna lie. can’t wiat for it to start. i thought it started tonight june 5th 2012… am i wrong? then i heard something about july 12th im so confused!!!

  48. Hunter Valentine, What are they thinking they will be accomplishing by bringing any members from this rock group when their music totally sucks?

    I look forward to the day The Real L Word is cancelled so that they can replace it will a quality series.

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