Welcome to the fourth edition of Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write for my earth-shattering personal blog Autowin, where I talked about myself pretty much constantly from 2006-2008.
First things first: I don’t really hate your cat. If you caught me telling your cat “I hate you,” I was just kidding, it’s a joke we do together! No but seriously, I wish I liked cats. For starters, they look delightful in photographs! Furthermore, lesbians love cats, and kittens (aka “pre-cats”) are such charming little animals (until they become cats, because I hate cats). Alas, I’m very much allergic to pre-cats and cats-proper in a sloppy, enflamed, itchy, eyeball-scratching, face-sneezing, eyes-watering, nose-running, body-not-sleeping kind of way. Often cat owners take it really personally that I don’t want to hang out on a couch coated with allergens or sleep over with my head smashed into the same pillow their cat uses for Cat Naps. Honestly, y’all, sometimes I’m amazed cats have any hair left on their bodies because it’s seriously all over your furniture and your coat. There is an actual animal’s worth of hair on your sweater! I thought your sweater was a living thing! Also, litter boxes are uncivilized. They’re filled with — let’s be honest — the ashes of dead Nazis — and topped off with tiny foul piles of animal waste. Nobody wants to see that, especially me.
Ultimately, I think dogs are better creatures than cats on a few levels (and somehow my allergy to dogs has faded significantly since childhood) but not all cats are awful. Some of them are pretty okay.
Top 18 Cats I Don’t Hate
1. Winston
It was really said when Rich Juzwiak (blogged as fourfour, now writes for Gawker) and his boyfriend broke up in 2012 and then Winston no longer belonged to us on the internet. Still, because the internet is forever, you can witness some of Winston’s best moments on a pinterest board entirely devoted to his existence, read an interview with Winston on Buzzfeed, and think to yourself, “why is this cat the only cat Riese watches videos of on the internet?” (BECAUSE HE’S HILARIOUS)
2. Salem Saberhagen
I love how this cat was like, “I can talk, and I’ve got shit to say.” As I recall, he was a pretty sassy cat, and the laugh track on Sabrina the Teenage Witch found him HILARIOUS!
3. Simba
The Lion King is a masterpiece and Simba is the baby lion we all dream of cuddling with at night.
4. Oliver
Oliver and Company is one of my favorite Disney films ever and I feel it is desperately underrated. I’d love to see Oliver and Company on Broadway. I once performed the whole musical on my futon for my parents, I think they really liked it. My rendition of “Perfect Isn’t Easy” was a highlight, for sure.
5. The Nope Cat
This cat is hilarious. Our Tech Director Cee printed out a bunch of Nope Cats and brought them to A-Camp (an annual retreat/conference/camp hybrid for queer women hosted by this website) and hung them up all over. It was funny.
6. A-Camp Cats
Speaking of A-Camp, now that we’re headed into our sixth A-Camp, I’m really running out of new exciting names for our cabins. I can usually rely on some kind of feline, however, and over the years we’ve had cabins called Wildcats, Thundercats, Hellcats, Cat Power, Panthers and Tiger Beat. Stay tuned for Pussy Riot.
7. Whiskey Kitten
Photography © jmberman1 2009
This kitten saw us through some of our darkest days! Like that time that Autostraddle stopped working in Google Chrome, that time Autostraddle stopped working period and basically everything about life that has ever been difficult. This kitten was there. Bless the man who photographed the kitten, and bless G-d for inventing whiskey.
8. Hobbes
“Calvin & Hobbes” is my favorite comic strip of all time!
9. Crookshanks
I just started reading Harry Potter for the first time (I know!) and therefore am only 75% of the way through The Prizoner of Aztecland, so I can’t say much about this cat besides that Ron is really mad at this cat right now for killing his rat. The thing is that rats are gross, so two thumbs up to this cat for getting rid of it. Owls for everybody!
10. “Cat” from Breakfast at Tiffany‘s
I lived with a cat for about two months, and I wanted to name it “cat,” but my roommate insisted on naming “Moo.” I called it “Cat” though, regardless. I didn’t even remember that Holly Golightly had made the same decision! But then I saw the movie again and was like, holy shit, we are both geniuses!
11. Catwoman
The best thing about catwoman is that she’s actually just a woman, but wearing a cat outfit. The cat outfit is usually very tight and sexual and has been worn by many ladies over the years including Eartha Kitt, Michelle Pfeiffer, Anne Hathaway, Lee Meriweather, Julie Newmar and, notably, Halle Berry (As per the poster above. I didn’t actually see Catwoman but the poster looks nice).
12. Marie
I don’t remember The Aristocats very well but there’s a cat in it named Marie. Marie is also MY name (Riese is my nickname), which means I have something in common with this cat. We also have lots of things NOT in common, like I don’t pee in a box.
13. The East Dillon Lions & The Dillon Panthers
Much like Coach Taylor himself, I can’t really choose between these two outstanding groups of gentleman, but I’m pretty sure they don’t shed, so.
14. We Are All Made Of Kittens
This is a tumblr Laneia and I made about ourselves. It was pictures of cats but it was things that actually happened but with all of us, like at my apartment in New York during Pride, or at Dinah Shore or other times. It’s really funny and honest and I highly recommend it. Kittens featured on this monumental work of art include Design Director Alex Vega, founding team member Tess, former managing editor Sarah Palmface, former Tech Editor Taylor Hatmaker and ALL OF THE INTERNS!
15. The Cats Of “The Real L Word”
The cats were bored when we were bored, confused when we were confused, and hungry when we were hungry. The cats made B-Roll into A-Plus-Roll. Given the choice of watching a show about cats or a show about Romi, I’d probably go with the cats.
16. Look At That F*cking Stuff Lesbian Kittens Like
This was one of our most brilliant post ideas of all time. It was cats being lesbians. Click on it, you’ll see.
17. The Cheshire Cat
This is like your kinda-annoying friend who always has really good drugs, I think.
18. Lord Tubbington
Lord Tubbington is a cat I can tell I wouldn’t like in real life, because he seems really prone to shedding. But I really appreciate his contributions to Brittany S. Pierce’s Fondue for Two, a webseries within a series I have to recap called Glee. It’s pretty awful, writing this post was much better!
Thank you for reminding me that Winston is out there somewhere, probably planning Halloween 2K15.
OH THAT’S A BEAUTY RIGHT THERE
Yes, Cat from Breakfast at Tiffanys! Also I really love her sleep mask and ear plugs in that movie.
The only cat I would add is Willow and Tara’s cat Miss Kitty Fantastico!
oh that is a cute kitten yes
I love this list so much. I’ve only recently discovered an appreciation for cats (due to my ex who unapologetically/somewhat adorably schedules everything in life around hers).
Also, Crookshanks is a goddamn treasure, if only because ugh, Scabbers.
HOW COULD YOU LEAVE OUT AUBREY PLAZA?!?!!? (voice of grumpy cat in grumpy cat movie) I f*cking love cats and she is still my absolute favorite feline
Wait, that movie actually happened?
Lifetime Original movie that happened. xD
Julia Stiles as Cat Stratford in 10 Things I Hate About You.
*waves “WHAT ABOUT MARU” placard around in an offended way*
WHO IS MARU
The best Youtube cat there is.
WAIT WRONG VIDEO THAT IS NOT THE RIGHT ONE. This one is the real deal.
Wait wait how can you be a preeminent Internet media doyenne and have never heard of Maru?!
Throwing shade at #11 cher.
Shade.
The interrupting kitten in Deanne Smith’s Nerdy Love Song video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkWy8nRWPGk
GOOD CALL
SERIOUSLY FEELING DEEP REGRET FOR NOT INCLUDING THIS CAT. THIS CAT IS PROBABLY TIED WITH WINSTON FOR THE BEST CAT EVER ON YOUTUBE
It’s a great list! I’d never even heard of Winston before so now I have hours of hypoallergenic viewing of youtube Winston videos to enjoy!
Omgg. This cat just REALLY wants to be part of the love song.
this video is so funny every time
i could similarly care less about >95% of cats, but am really excitant about more sunday top tens
me too
I too am allergic to cats and turn into a puffy mess who apparently has hamster-sized lungs :/ but I love cats! And it’s true, lesbians adore furry friends so damn much that I’ve considered taking anti histamines long term so I can avail of the awesome company and free food in the hair-infested homes of said lesbians.
I have taken so many two-hour subway rides home at 2 AM to avoid sleeping in cat-infested apartments. It’s a pandemic.
I feel you! I bet a ‘You Need Help’ post pertaining to cat allergies would go down well. I mean it basically cuts your hook up, friending, and partnering in half. At least. Guests on anti-allergy meds can be preety nice and chill though lol
I’m resigned to the fact that I’m just going to have to start taking allergy shots if I ever want to date anybody. Sigh.
BUT WHY SHOULD WE HAVE TO CHANGE FOR THEM
CAN’T THEY CHANGE FOR US
OR AT LEAST VACUUM FOR US
OR KEEP ZYRTEC ON HAND FOR US (as recommended here)
but to be honest i usually would prefer people coming to my house rather than me going to somebody else’s house so sometimes “i hate your cat” is a convenient way out anyhow
Aww. I always ask beforehand if they are allergic to avoid these kinda things. :(
This list is perfect, basically.
Also, as someone who is also reading Harry Potter for the first time (I am a rebel with no cause and refused to read it back in the day), I will agree with you that Crookshanks is pretty awesome. I’m 75% done with Order of the Phoenix and he’s basically a big cuddler at this point.
“I am a rebel with no cause” describes 65% of my life decisions
I was hoping Lord T would make it onto this post! I was also hoping The Worst Cat would make it. I think Riese would really tolerate this one. http://worstcats.tumblr.com
I live a Salem Saberhagen appreciation life.
ugh but garfield tho
Feel ya on the allergies. It seems I’ve developed a cat allergy over time.
This post is brought to you by 5 sneezes in a row and one stuffed up nose.
True story: My current apartment is too big for one person, but the reason I got it was so that my cats could have room to run around. At 3am.
Mr. Piddles was so offended he died. Apologies must be sent to the office of Dana Fairbanks. They’ll be handled by Alice Pieszecki.
Mandatory classic Mr. Piddles moment:
OH MY LAWD HOW DID I FORGET MR PIDDLES
Um I’m allergic to pollen and I don’t hate flowers or spring. Embrace the sneezing!
Dang it, the image didn’t show up!
http://www.globalanimal.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/cat-sneezing.jpg
i’m allergic to ragweed and i do hate summer because that’s when it happens
I still have a poster of the A-Camp Grumpy Cat on my fridge.
I personally am quite partial to my cat (and also allergic to her):
BUT, I vote for the 1942 movie Cat People, a really trippy psychological thing about a woman who can basically potentially kill men if she even touches them. There’s a super-weird swimming pool scene (on YouTube, but I’m not going to attempt to link) that’s worth watching, if nothing else. Check out the eyes:
That sounds… bizarrely entertaining. And those eyes!
“a really trippy psychological thing about a woman who can basically potentially kill men if she even touches them.”
THIS SOUNDS DELIGHTFUL
and then there is the remake, worthwhile if only for the Bowie sung theme song:
http://youtu.be/VpdHMaccjw4
I DIDNT KNOW RICH AND HIS BOYFRIEND BROKE UP.
i loved fourfour and reading about/watching winston, and i’m very saddened to know that rich apparently doesn’t have winston in his life anymore. (and rudy??!???)
(ok, i just read the post about saying goodbye to the cats after the breakup. i’m pretty convinced that winston and rudy are in good hands now. i’m also wondering why i didn’t just keep on reading when rich started posting on gawker instead)