Straight People Watch: Spring 2K19

Welcome back, friends and enemies, Rapinoes and Lavelles, to another Straight People Watch!

I hope in our absence you’ve been well, or the opposite of what our uncles, cousins, and coworkers continue to be. SPW’s timeout was a purposeful one, as this year has provided enough horrors on its own. No need to go looking for them!

But as stated when we first started this series, this is also to keep tabs on what straight people are up to in order to adequately implement the gay agenda, and so the work must continue. Let’s get this over with!

I’ll sleep (on an air mattress with no top sheet across from a chair holding a TV in a room with only an overhead light so your options are either pitch black or depressing office vibe) when I’m dead (and I will be)!!!!!!

First of all, what’s “our” physical? Do straight people continue to do the Presidential Fitness Test beyond middle school?

B of all, something you and I absolutely love to see is a counterproductive lie come back to bite someone. Like that period of time when I was insisting I wasn’t running a multilevel marketing scheme among a group of susceptible old people, saying so upon first meeting someone, buying my friends shirts that said “I’m With A Person Who Doesn’t Run a Multilevel Marketing Scheme Among a Group of Susceptible Old People” with an arrow at the bottom and walking next to them, sending the police a note with my return address that ensured them I wasn’t running a multilevel marketing scheme among a group of susceptible old people, etc., and then hearing the judge read off a list of charges against me that included running a multilevel marketing scheme among a group of susceptible old people.

Third, please stop gaslighting your loved ones about your height that they can see and gauge against other people and objects.

Make: Mercedes

Model: Sexy ;)

Sex: Mercedes ;)

Age: A Mercedes never tells ;)

“Girlfriends are like bullet.” Don’t get? Think it’s pretty self-explanatory.

Also, what is it, The Bad Boy Club, or The Bad Boy Club Club? Bad Boy-Club makes a lot of sense here, but I’m also not mad at the idea of a monthly subscription for bad boy clubs, which are just sticks for moody boys to lean on. Anyway, what?

I, Borch, take you, Haylen, to be my lawfully wedded douchebag, to have and to dunk on, from this day forward, for better, for worst (you), for richer, for poorer, in sickness (looking at you rn) and in health, until death do us part (preferably now).

Honestly, would be happy to abide by the hand-shaking code of law! Follow us at The Bad Girls Sword Club and use the code “STAB” to get 15% off your first purchase!

I’d love to go on a life-strike if possible!

These women have clearly never owned a dog before, because if they had they’d know that negative-reenforcement is only a short-term solution. Positive reinforcement is where the real gains are. Lure your husband into making the right choice by, say, installing a Bitcoin machine at the bottom of the dishwasher so he has to unload the dishes in order to convert his cash into bitcoins. Or, duct tape an iPad that’s open to a Reddit thread about Game of Throne theories to your child’s head so he has to engage with them. Once that’s done, THEN you have sex with them. Pretty basic training, ladies!

Ah, yes, what we in the gay world refer to as the “Jarmen” and also, “gay.”

A lady shirt that celebrates your hot and trendy bo(y/i)friend (lol at the unintended inclusion here) who’s basically Advil and a therapist at once? $13. Your self-worth? Also $13!

Can we just give homeless people a place to live before we LARP as Stormtroopers?

I’ve decided to sign up for the Space War.

You’re going to want to click through for the full review on this one. The highlight moment here is the reviewer taking issue with the film showing Nick Fury (a male) washing dishes (a female’s job), but how does this reviewer (a male) know there’s not a Bitcoin machine (a male) at the bottom of the sink (a female)?! Think about that as a male!

“At least it’s not a blowjob wedding portrait,” shouldn’t be a consolation and yet here we are.

Had to read this one approximately 25 times when I first saw it, and am possibly still reading this tomorrow. Unfortunately, it’s the same meaning every time. Straight women… find god.

Well, I fell in love with your father at the Cici’s pizza buffet. He ate 19 pieces of pizza that day in a haze of sweat and exhaustion, and when he finally came to, I actually asked him to marry me, right there on the spot. The rest, you could say, is history.

Oh no! Looks like you hit those ironic stereotypes a little too hard and have drawn the reverse card. Go directly to jail!

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Erin

Los Angeles based writer. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 208 articles for us.

72 Comments

  1. If the Bad Boys Club Club is anything like the Babysitter’s Club Club, it’s a deep read of Bad Boy culture by a couple of lit nerds that dissolved into conspiracy-laden chaos by the end of the series (in the best way, I am a big fan).

    • If we’re gathered to discuss the Bad Boy Club Club, though, does that make us thebadboyclub_club_club?

  2. Straight People Watch is what i’m gonna start calling my rants to my queer group chat about my terrible straight coworkers

  3. Why can’t I look away?! I love this column. I was just looking at traditional anniversary gifts yesterday and thinking straight people are not ok!

    • As someone who is 5’10 and once upon a time participated in the hellscape that is online dating with men, lemme just say that dudes lying about their height is SO COMMON it’s basically a running gag.

  5. Please keep doing straight people watch. It reminds me that *I’m* not the crazy one when I’m dealing with my lunatic neighbors and relatives

  7. Pretty sure even a Victorian music hall going sexist could say ‘some of my favourite music is made by women’…

    Although I have to admit, I’m 5″ if anyone asks… technically 4″11 but…

  8. Erin, please do sign up for Space War. After all the horrors that you’ve witnessed while gathering these, you’d basically be Ripley 3.0 against any menacing life-form.

  9. “Ah, yes, what we in the gay world refer to as the “Jarmen” and also, “gay.”

    *crying* Someone should get that girl a clip of The L Word.

  10. Damn really fucked up when I identified as straight by not peeing simultaneously with my pals bc I feel like I would’ve realized I was gay a lot sooner.

    • Honestly! I had a friend in grad school who asked me once if it was okay for her to go on a date with a guy who was only a little bit taller than her and I was like ??????

  13. Attention: short dudes! I wish to inform you that for some reason, when I crushes on and dated boys and dudes in middle school and high school, my favorite actor was Seth Green because he was my height, and that was one of the things I looked for in a man.

    I am 5’3″.

    Take heart!

    Also get over yourselves.

    • My first thought was “Oh, really, Dave??”(I am also 5’8 in work boots, that fib would not fly for even a minute)

    • I think it might be afab bisexual culture or something to be into men close to our height.

          • Contributing to the bisexual quorum on this important subject! I am also not attracted to cis men who are significantly bigger/taller than me.

          • Add me in! My hubby is 6’4 (I am 5’4), and ok, it’s convenient for getting stuff from high places (but hello, I have chair technology and love an excuse to climb on the counter like a little kid – is this why we bi folk don’t sit in chairs right?), but other than that, meh.

            I once worked with a married couple (straight) who were both about my height and I was intensely jealous of them because neither had to look up or down to the other.

            Also I love that in MCU Spider-Man movies, MJ (Zendaya) is taller than Peter (Tom Holland), and it’s never remarked upon at all.

  14. Fun fact that Utah couple can get married in roughly 20 states including New York which let you marry your first cousin!!! Utah doesn’t recognize out of state marriages between first cousins; but they just have to hop across the state line to Colorado to live in a place where they can be legally married. But yeah, same sex marriage was definitely a threat to the sanctity of marriage

    I know this because I’m studying for the bar exam, not because I actually wanted this information.

    • A look at the Wikipedia article on cousin marriage shows that it’s actually legal in many places around the world. It’s funny, since I’m from Europe and I grew up with this being legal, it never occured to me that people might find it odd (or in this case “straight”). Culture is wild.

      • I think looking at the arc of history, marrying a first cousin isn’t considered super strange. At some point, there were fairly legitimate concerns that too much intermarriage between first cousins could lead to a concentration of genetic illnesses so they were banned. Recently, some states in the US have relaxed their laws about first cousin marriage so long as the couple gets genetic counseling to try to prevent the spread of them.

        However, I think its considered odd in America more because the idea of marrying a first cousin is a really pernicious, classist stereotype about low income, rural white communities, and its associated with being uneducated or low class.

        • It’s connected to the eugenics movement which was super popular in the United States before the 3rd Reich took eugenics to the next “logical step” of mass exterminations instead of faffing about with forced sterilization and laws against certain people marrying certain other people.

          May Charles M. Goethe rot in hell if there is one.

  15. At this point I’d sign up for the Bloodspace-war. Rather be out of sync with the time space continuum than be among straight people. They’re whack.

  16. I think of this column whenever my wife comes home from her bartending job and tells me about how once again a man asked to not have a cocktail in a “girly” glass. By which he meant a coup glass, or really any stemmed glass. IT’S A GLASS FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. (This is how I also felt about the BMW/Mercedes tweet above. It’s a car.)

  17. As soon as I finished reading this, my girlfriend showed me a picture of a couple that had a MAGA-themed wedding on the 4th of July… The straights are not even remotely okay

    • OMG… how could you mention this without posting a link??? I don’t want to see this, but I NEED to see this.

      • I unfortunately googled it. I’m now seriously traumatised. The horror, the horror.

  18. I don’t think I want this man movie reviewer who thinks a man that isn’t a threat is worthless to be giving little girls messages, either, really 🤮

  19. My favorite part of that awful Captain Marvel review is at the end where he says “Update: Fury is shown washing dishes”, because that means this guy wrote his article, posted it, and then CAME BACK to add a tirade on the indignity of actually cleaning something.

  20. That Utah couple that wants to marry reminded me of this story I heard a while back about a father and daughter that wanted to marry, needless to say I didn’t keep up with that story!

  21. I deffo eagerly texted a friend “STRAIGHT PEOPLE WATCH!!!” and then we proceeded to live react @ each other re: the utter absurdity of this post.

    “Some of my favorite music was made by women” woah woah slow down there cowboy you’re going too fast for this movement.

  22. The first date with my bff I ate a whole pizza solo, but I think that was because I was nervous, or maybe it was the cannabis.

    To the cis-het dude regarding his hot car take, many (brutal)dictators around the world drove and loved their Mercedes(especially the 600 Pullman). Notable examples include assholes like Ghadaffi, Idi Amin, & Pol Pot, to name a few. The Queen of England and Nixon both like the Pullman too.

  23. Why is the dude in the last vape wedding photo so underdressed? Is he the groom/ a cousin/both (???)

  24. “Borch” and “Haylen” are perfect cis-het white people names, I can’t even

  25. “OMG, he’s _not_ Tall ™ !!” The sound of a million straight jaws dropping.

    I need to lie down on the floor to embrace my true lesbian culture as a way to recover from this madness.

  26. Something tells me the whole height obsession is a metaphor for sth else.
    Also, as we’ve previously learned, the person whose hand you’ll really want to shake is the queer you’ve just met.

    • The short men I’ve met who cared the least about their height were all good with their hands.
      You might be on to something.

  28. I love this column, and every. single. time. I am shocked at how ridiculous/not okay the heteros are.

  30. Poor sword boy doesn’t realise there are weapons other than swords and that’s the reason for the shake of the handshake, cough KNIVES cough.

    Additionally the modern use of it as a common place greeting of everyday people was popularized by the Quakers cause it was more egalitarian than other 17th century forms of greeting.

    Not to mention clasping of hands is ancient as hell way of showing or giving bond be it showing peaceful intentions, sealing a deal(marriage is a deal), and love be it familial romantic or platonic.
    Touch is important to our species.

  31. I am loving all the trivia people are dropping in the comments about swords, first cousin marriages and Mercedes.

    Straight culture is so interesting! I’m learning so much right now! #blessed

  32. I thought the people on this bus were going to judge me for my post-gym stink and not my bizarre facial expression but BOY HOWDY was I wrong.

  33. If it makes anyone feel any better, the senior author of the “pizza papers” has had his entire life’s work torn apart and academic statisticians are still feasting upon the entrails. See: http://www.timvanderzee.com/the-wansink-dossier-an-overview/

    Best part: he brought it on himself with a super douchey blog post where he discussed his research process, which was horrifying titled “The Grad Student Who Never Said No”:

    https://web.archive.org/web/20170312041524/http:/www.brianwansink.com/phd-advice/the-grad-student-who-never-said-no

  34. The handshake one read so much like satire that I clicked through to the twitter account, just to check…it’s not….

  35. and like. the straights dont even know theyre not okay theyre just gonna keep doing this how can they save themselves

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