Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we started dedicating an entire post to them instead! This A+ feature is now bi-monthly and advice questions go into our twice monthly Into the A+ Advice Box. We think this will be a lot of fun for the whole family. We’ve included as many questions as we can. We love you and your hair looks fantastic today!

MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

Did I imagine it or did you guys have a UK version of the AS store? I tried to look for it the other day without success. Was it just a trial? Or did I dream it? I wanna get some gay socks but shipping from the USA is an expensive pain.

Sarah: I think you might be remembering the incredible storefront that Nicole set up for the fundraising merch. Having a UK storefront for Autostraddle would be an excellent idea — in fact, someone else also mentioned wanting this earlier last month! Resources are fairly tight right now, but I imagine that this could be an option for the future.

Nicole: Correct! We had a separate fundraising website for the UK / Europe during the fundraiser :)

non-pressing question – what is the most helpful thing for us to do when a comments section is getting thinly veiled anti-black & reactionary comments posed as questions (e.g.)? in that case i went for adding a positive comment and not taking the bait on the comments i found offensive – i wasn’t sure if directly calling ppl out would make more work for yall. thanks for your amazing writing Shelli & others!!

Heather: I’m here at all hours of the day and night so you can either @ me in a comment, or tweet at me (@theheatherhogan) or email me at my Gmail which will alert me on my phone (heatherannehogan at gmail). Thank you for helping us keep our comments as safe as possible for all our staff and readers!

Nicole: With trolls, the best thing is def not to engage, or just to say “mods please remove.” We don’t actually have separate mods (we  moderate the comments as a team when needed) right now, so that is why there might be a little delay if something pops up overnight. So, also, shooting a message into the A+ Priority contact box, which I check each morning, is another good way to flag something. ALSO thank you for leaving a positive comment. In general, I know that any writers who you are reading here love and appreciate positive comments and so if you are moved or something made you laugh or smile or think and you have a minute, a single comment can go a long way!

Congratulations on the fundraiser!! I hope Whiskey Kitten is smiling.

Carmen: Thank YOU!!! The fundraiser would not be possible without the support of everyone reading this, and sincerely we never take it for granted. Thank you!

Also a massive thank you to our magnificent A+ and Fundraising Director, Nicole Hall!! They stun me all the time, in all the ways, with their clear headedness (is that a word?), tenacity, and hard work ethic. I hope to be like them one day!

Nicole: CARMEN. 😳😳😳 Also thank you for the congratulations. I am sure Whiskey Kitten is smiling as are we all because we can keep running for a little bit longer!

Just flew in to a city in the south and the first conversation I heard was a person asking their traveling companion to “check Autostraddle” for something and talking about how some place has Lesbian Nights. Warmed my heart.

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

I want more femslash. But I’m here today because I want to talk about the Wheel of Time. I started reading those books over 20 years ago, and I’m a dedicated fan. Are you curious about what happened in the books in terms of WLW?

Hot tip: You should interested in the YouTube videos by Content Creators (not sure if that should be capitalized) who are obsessed with Wheel of Time. Check out, in particular, videos made by Lesbi Nerdy, who is an awesome lady in Korea posting videos about WoT (Wheel of Time), and unapologetically hella gay!
Also on YouTube: Wheel Talk (careful, it’s not about cyclists): a drag queen named Recappa Sedai who is famous for doing hilarious chapter (for the books) and (NOW! EPISODE) recaps in drag! Keep an eye out for her Warder, Pumpkin.

Each of these content creators have made videos talking about queerness in The Wheel of Time. It’s been discussed by the Wheel of Time fandom at length (because that’s how this fandom works, so brace yourself for the haters. We call them Whitecloaks). There’s a lot to criticize! There’s a lot to celebrate.
Please see this as an opportunity to encourage ALL the writers to continue the tradition of fanfiction, and in particular femslash. I am eagerly awaiting.

Heather: Thank you for bringing this to the forefront of my mind, my friend! I have read most of these books and started the series, but I got sidetracked by all these bazillion lesbian Xmas movies and, very weirdly, the Sex and the City sequel! Hopefully by the time you read this answer, I will have written about Wheel of Time for you!

Carmen: By the time you’ve read this Heather will have, in fact, already written about Wheel of Time!

I just read this article and I feel like it might add to the conversation that has been happening here re: child rearing, climate crisis, parenting, et al.

I haven’t sat with it for long, so maybe other thoughts/criticisms will come up as I reflect on it further, but I feel like it’s a surprisingly balanced take, and wasn’t totally hetero-centric.

Carmen: Oh I somehow missed this one, but I’m reading it now! Thank you!

I put this in a comment on a post but thought it might resonate more widely: the podcast “Queer as Fact” – a queer history podcast – has a penpal program.

Carmen: Very cool!

Autostraddle, have you seen this meme someone made?! I truly gasped!

Heather: Sweet lord, my year-end Reddit recap told me I scrolled the length of FIFTY-THREE THOUSAND BANANAS in 2021, and I was like, okay, man, I gotta get that under control next year. And now you’re telling me there’s a GAYLOR SWIFT SUB. Oh well! 100K bananas in 2022!

Sarah: Oh, I definitely want to put this on Instagram. This is amazing lol.

what to do with myself now that they’ve taken alice junior off netflix :((((((((

Carmen: THEY TOOK ALICE JUNIOR OFF NETFLIX!?!?!? Oh noooooo!!!! It was so good! I’m so glad that Drew turned me onto it last year.

Why/how is Ted Lasso so good?? My wife and I basically just watched the whole first season in a Friday night. In your experience is there a lot of Ted Lasso/lesbian overlap? Thank you, appreciate your insights.

Heather: Oh yeah, there’s SO MUCH Ted Lasso/lesbian overlap, which is actually kinda of bizarre ’cause the show is so straight. (Except Keely, I think!) I don’t really know what it is. I mean, Roy Kent does have the personality of so many of our favorite lesbian characters (hard shell, gooey caremal center), and I do think there’s something to be said about having a genuinely good guy to root for in a world of mostly awful guys. I can usually pinpoint these things, but I can’t with Ted Lasso. Maybe he just personally hits way too close to home for me to see him objectively!

Sarah: Just here to confirm there’s a huge Ted Lasso/lesbian overlap — I was told to watch this show by a bunch of queers on Twitter, especially Ashley Ray who has great opinions on TV in general. Also me and one of my queer besties decided we’re going as Roy Kent (them) and Keely (me, obvs) for Halloween next year. Also Rebecca is a MOMMI and we all want her to step on us while singing in an exceptionally hauntingly beautiful tone. In general this show just surprised me and my misandrist heart, I was just like “wow, I have faith in men now?” TED LASSO is doing so much to bridge the gap!

Riese: Firstly, everything they said. Secondly, I think Ted Lasso transcends demographic. Thirdly, Ashley Nicole Black, who is queer!, writes for the show so I feel like that gets some queer sensibility in there.

Seems like this article “Death and Dying in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Universe” on the death positive TalkDeath site might be of interest around here.

Carmen: Buffy and death and grief? Yeah that sounds like Autostraddle for sure.

Nicole: You are correct!

Thank you all for being here today & if you’re wondering if you can/should do that thing that’s just for fun or feeling nice today or this week, you should definitely do it!!

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION / ARTICLE IDEAS

LOVE the site; have you done or is it possible to do a review of Tello. I found it the other day and I’d love to subscribe but I’m scared that it’s just another male gaze-y type of “this is what we think lesbians want” service :(

Heather: I wrote just a little bit about Tello when I reviewed their latest Christmas film, Christmas on the Ranch! I think it’s a cool thing to support queer-owned media trying to make it in a world where they have to compete with so many mainstream studios and networks —with so much money — making gay stuff now.

Can you bring back the beauty diaries (what beauty products people who work here use)? I need to know what Carmen and Kayla and Shelli use to look so damn good.

Kayla: I wish I could tell you I have a consistent routine/products I’m ultra reliable to, but I change up my skincare stuff all the time!!!!!!! I can tell you some recent favs though: Lancome Creme Radiance, Kiehl’s under eye cream, and good ol’ Cetaphil! As for makeup, most of mine is CoverGirl, ELF, or NARS.

Carmen: FIRST OF ALL, Thank youuuuu!!! Skin is actually a specific struggle spot for me (I have hormonal adult acne and hyperpigmentation/acne scars/dark spots) that I spent a lot of time on, so you have no idea how much this specific compliment has meant to me! I’ve been sincerely holding it close, like for real. For real for real. Thank you.

Ok so SECOND!! I also want to bring back a beauty diaries style column! I keep trying to sell it to the team and I haven’t yet, but I’m going to keep trying. Nevertheless, she persisted and all that.

Now Third!!
For my specific skin care routine, some of my basics are very over the counter basics — plain everyday Witch Hazel (not the scented kind, the kind you can buy at the pharmacy) as a toner in the morning. Coconut oil and Vitamin E oil (I buy both from Trader Joe’s) as a nightly moisturizer before bed. I’m an emphatic believer in sunscreen and I use Black Girl Sunscreen which is formulated to moisturize and not leave a “white cast” — did you know most sunscreens are not formulated for melanin and leaves a terrible ashy residue behind on darker skin? If you’re white you maybe just learned something new! The cornerstone of my skin care routine is actually from this Black woman owned small business out of Brooklyn called Beauty Strike, which among other things specializes in hyperpigmentation. I use their Vitamin C cleanser in the morning and night, and the Mandelic Acid cleanser every other day at night. I’ve learned that Mandelic Acid is that girl when it comes to adult acne and acne scars!! But you have to use it sparingly or it break your “moisture barrier” or something like that, and your acne will actually just get worse. Sorry this is probably more detail than you were asking for!

Ok after all of that, for make up I keep it simple. I use Bobbi Brown stick foundation as a concealer for my acne scars (I’ve literally been using the same brand/shades since Middle School lol whoops) and a little Rosebud Salve for lipgloss, along with whatever was the last mascara I bought (I have no brand loyalty here) and an eyebrow pencil. That’s about it.

I know the accepted take in our community is that boundaries are really important and ultimatums are bad, but do y’all have thoughts on the difference between them? To me it doesn’t seem as clear-cut as everyone else seems to think it is — for example, other than tone, aren’t “Stop drinking or I’ll break up with you” and “It’s not healthy for me to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t sober” saying the same thing? Is there some deeper nuance I’m missing? Any thoughts appreciated!

Kayla: I have been sitting with your question for a while, because I think it’s a good one, and I want to be thoughtful with my wording. Because this is, ultimately, a question about wording. And I see where you’re coming from in the sense that the end goal of two statements like “stop drinking or I’ll break up with you” versus “it’s not healthy for me to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t sober” are essentially the same. And yet. I think the difference is significant beyond tone. Language matters here, in my opinion. Listen, I don’t think ultimatums are inherently abusive or manipulative by any means. But I do think they’re not always an effective way to encourage someone to change. I’m not totally sure from your wording if you’re talking about addiction, but when it comes to addiction, asking someone to hinge their sobriety on a relationship can be dicey. A consequence-based approach to recovery does not always last. The first statement also centers the behavior of the other person, while the second statement centers the needs of the person setting the boundary. And I think that’s significant, right? I think you’re ultimately correct in thinking that all of this isn’t super clear-cut. I personally don’t think ultimatums are always bad. But I do think ultimatums often oversimplify conflict and the source of that conflict. To use another example, if I had a friend who decided to be close with my ex who hurt me, I think there’d be a different between me saying to my friend “if you continue to hang out with my ex, I will stop being friends with you” and “when you hang out with my ex, it takes me to a bad mental place, so I think I might need to have some space in our friendship.” Again, they’re KIND OF the same in the sense that in both scenarios, I am setting a boundary wherein I don’t have to engage with my ex or anyone close to her. But the latter makes it about me and my needs and leaves a more open door for my friend to make her own choices. Does the nuance of that make sense? I will also say the thing I say all the time when giving advice: it really varies case-by-case!

Carmen: I really wish I had something as nuanced and thoughtful to say as Kayla did! But unfortunately I am terrible at giving advice (and apparently, as it turns out, deciphering wording and utterances). That said, this passage from Kayla really resonated with me, so I just wanted to highlight it again: “In both scenarios, I am setting a boundary wherein I don’t have to engage with my ex or anyone close to her. But the latter makes it about me and my needs and leaves a more open door for my friend to make her own choices.”

I think when you are setting a boundary, you are centering your own needs and taking care of yourself. The people around you wll (hopefully!) hear your feelings and needs and respect them, but if they don’t, you are giving yourself permission to leave that situation. An ultimatum centers on the other person (if YOU don’t do this, then there are consequences) and I’m not sure that we can successfully dictate what other people do in their own lives, at least without causing resentment. However, we can control what we allow into our own, and that’s where boundaries come in. Or at least that’s how I’m seeing it?

Riese: The language distinction and who is centered in it is huge, and I think that’s the crux of it (what Kayla and Carmen both emphasized)! Because it’s not really two different ways of saying the same thing – the “ultimatum” example doesn’t contain in it the same information that the “boundaries” example does, which is that this situation is harming you and therefore it’s not healthy for you to be a part of it.

I also don’t think ultimatums are inherently abusive or manipulative, but I also don’t think that the way people use the concept of “setting boundaries” is always good (sometimes it’s just a validated way to frame toxic behaviors as non-toxic behaviors). Trying to fit your choice into one of those two terms so that you can determine its value based on a predetermined assignment of value to Ultimatums or Boundaries by The Culture won’t be as helpful as just leading with love – for yourself, first of all, but also for them.

Like in Kayla’s answer — she points out that “when it comes to addiction, asking someone to hinge their sobriety on a relationship can be dicey,” right? And that’s because when it comes to addiction, there is of course no clear fix for the addict or their loved ones but there is a lot of literature and conversation and research about how to help or date an addict and also about codependency, which is common amongst people in unhealthy relationships with addicts. (I am a codependent I speak from deep experience!) So for your situation I think that’s where you start — determining if what you’re thinking about saying is a boundary or an ultimatum and therefore if it’s good or bad won’t be as helpful as just figuring out how best to approach the situation with kindness and care, to ensure that you’re not giving yourself entirely to someone else who isn’t giving you anything in return or worse, is actively harming you.

Do y’all ever look for people doing book reviews? I recently read Real Life by Brandon Taylor, a book about a science PhD student who deals with imposter syndrome, racism, homophobia, the horrors of life and grad school. As a science grad student, it touched me and I related a lot. It was written by a man, so I don’t know that this is the right place for this. But I saw it on the community bookshelf (love it!). And I was wanting to write about it.

Kayla: Love that book and also Brandon’s recent short story collection! I am open to book review pitches all the time, and I do not have a hardlined rule against covering books by men. We review movies and shows made by men. It comes down to whether the angle is right for Autostraddle. Pitch me!

Riese: I also love that book! That’s all I just wanted to say that I loved it

Nicole: I also enjoyed this book! I listened to the audio version, which is narrated by Kevin R. Free, who also voices Kevin from “Welcome to Nightvale” so THAT was weird at first, but ultimately very fun. It’s a well-done audio book in case anyone wants to know!

Is there a polite way to ask actors on favorite shows if they’re having as much fun creating as it looks? Thinking particularly of Legends in all its zaniness, it always looks like the actors are enjoying themselves but I’m curious if the atmosphere on set/while working is a positive space and not sure how to ask that without actors needing to say yes for job security. Articles about workplace environments on other CW shows are part of what make me wonder.

Heather: I think, generally, when you ask any famous person anything, you’ve gotta understand that they probably can’t give you a super candid answer for about a bazillion reasons. But I also think that when actors are genuinely enjoying themselves and the time they spend with their castmates, you can get that especially from their Insta stories and TikToks. In terms of genuinely honest discussion of the CW for POC actors, here’s a must-watch from Azie Tesfai’s Insta live.

I by chance came across Leisha Hailey and Kate Moennig’s Pants podcast on Spotify. What??? This exists?? I did a quick search on Autostraddle and only found a few cursory mentions saying it’s hard to tell what it’s about. I saw they have been doing recaps of the L Word original series first season. Has anyone listened? Is this how I should fill the void now that To L and Back is presumably finished for the time being?

Riese: I’ve listened to a few episodes — their interview with Sarah Shahi and one with Jamie Clayton, and maybe one with Mia Kirshner? Maybe there was another interview too! I really liked the interviews I listened to a LOT!!!! I heard they interviewed Gwyneth and I wanna listen to that one day too. So thank you for the reminder!

Hey has anyone watched / been aware of Baronness von Sketch Show? It’s a Canadian CBC show with a cast of four women and there’s not only a lot of gay couples because two cast members are playing the couple, but a fair amount of Gay Humour and I thought someone might like / enjoy it here

Heather: Hey, thank you! I had heard of it but never checked it out! I’ll add it to my list!

Kayla: I also will check it out!

Just now I thought about that headline about Taryn Manning getting engaged earlier this year, wondered whatever happened to her and her fiancé, looked around on AS, couldn’t find the original article, googled it, learned that they called off the engagement earlier in October, and then I saw that one of the search results was an AS advice article from 2012 about how to leave an abusive partner. Did y’all do that purposefully in the search terms and take down the original article?

Riese: OK SO what happened was — we wrote the article not really knowing much about Taryn Manning as a human, the story was written up on like 100 other websites and none of them said anything about her past or anything troubling, then commenters were like “…..”, so then I looked into it, and realized she did have an extensive history of abuse allegations and then I talked to someone who’d known her for a bit and verified. We adjusted the tone of the article to make it explicitly not celebratory and just informative, and added some background about her past, since it was a big news story that this famous person had come out and ultimately wouldn’t it be better for someone googling it to find our story about it instead of the 100 YAY TARYN stories elsewhere. But upset comments kept coming in and as someone who has been in abusive relationships and subsequent extensive trauma therapy, having strangers yell at me for “endorsing abusive relationships” was actually beyond what i mentally could handle that day so I took it down!!! And um, although I had forgotten about this entire situation until this question!!!! …. I in fact did set up a redirect so that anybody landing on that page would be redirected to the post you mention. But I didn’t realize that the taryn manning post would still be showing up on google ::wince::, I am going to wipe it from the universe now thank you for your reminder!! I feel like I sound unhinged in all of the answers to some questions this week.

Someone (Laneia?) linked to an old A+ Inbox LIVE! Podcast in the AMA, and I re-listened to the podcast and was reminded of how much I loved them! I assume you stopped because you got too busy? But given all the new senior editors coming on maybe you’d do just one more with the full new team?

Carmen: Sadly they are A LOT — and I mean a lot of work to put together!! And we never had a great way to distribute them while remaining behind a paywall. So I don’t foresee them coming back as a regular feature. But hey you never know, they’re way more A+ members now than they were back then and also we have an entire A+ Director full time role now that we didn’t have back then and a podcast producer (shout out to Lauren Klein!), so we are definitely better resourced. I could see them coming back maybe during a fundraiser or a membership drive as a special A+ perk! Let’s talk to Nicole about it.

(PS: They were by far my favorite membership perk from back when I was an A+ member, so you definitely aren’t alone!)

Nicole: I just want to take a moment to say that in a world where we are not having two giant fundraisers a year during a pandemic (and all the months of follow up they entail, including perks-sending) that I have SO MANY dreams and plans for A+. I know Lauren has dreams for Autostraddle podcasts, in general, as well! Definitely, no promises, but this has been on my radar for sure, for the entirety of my time here. I don’t know how to end this. Maybe with ‘watch this space’ 👀

Does Kayla work for-hire to investigate food mysteries/memories? Because I have a caramel apple cookie mystery I’d love some help solving!

Kayla: Honestly I SHOULD become the Veronica Mars of food mysteries. I’m curious to hear more about your caramel apple cookie mystery!

Hey AS, I love you a lot and you helped me when I was just a baby gay. Excitingly, I’ve recently started to try and write. I just got my first articles published! My question is – I’d love to pitch you some ideas, but would you ever consider something from such a beginner writer? For some reason I’m much more scared of putting myself out there with you than with publications I don’t have the same attachment to!

Kayla: I am always always always open to pitches from new and beginning writers. In fact, I encourage new writers to pitch me! So many editors took a chance on me when I was just starting out. Being new/a beginner would never in and of itself be a determining factor for me in terms of accepting/rejecting a pitch. If anything, I’m very willing to work with new writers whose pitches might not even be airtight yet! I think feedback on pitches is important! PITCH ME!

Do you know any queer podcasts about tarot? Asking for a friend… thank you!

Heather: I sure do! First of all, check out Meg Jones Wall talking tarot and relationships on our very own Wait Is This a Date with Drew and Christina! Then, check out Meg Jones Wall on Hello Universe Episode #78. And then, check out Meg Jones Wall on the Tarot Bytes podcast. And then! Check out Meg Jones Wall on the Bad Astrologers podcast! I think that should be a good jumping off point for you!

Hi-

Just wanted to pass along that the new Semler album (queer non-binary Christian musician) is very good and might be of interest especially for Christian/formerly Christian folks.

Thanks!

Heather: I am those folks! Thank you!

autostraddle is my favorite and i love all of you!

REALLY NICE THINGS YOU TOLD US

Thank you, Nic, for the lovingly packaged perks! The design team went above and beyond this year! (I hope you’re back to handling haunted holes now that the fundraiser is complete and perks are out.)

Nicole: I am so glad you enjoyed them! Thank you so much!! The design team is Sarah and me and freelance illustrators (with brainstorming and feedback from the senior team) so thank you, from all of us, so much for your love of them!! We tried so hard and the illustrators (Kirstin, Betty Turbo, and En Tze) did such incredible work. I am in fact still packing perks because I am but one human and have a whole full-time-plus job already without doing them, so the holes are still just chilling — and they’re chilly, too, because cold air travels through them and it’s winter. Anyway, Sadie and I are going to insulate the attic by climbing through the Big Daddy hole someday, hopefully soon, so that will be thrilling!

Sarah: Just over here loving this feedback and support!

I could tell, from what I heard and the photos I saw, and the reviews I had to avoid, that I would love Portrait of a Lady on Fire. But I also knew if I waited until all the stars aligned and I knew it was the right moment I would enjoy it even more. good films take a LOT of emotional investment and mostly I don’t have that? And also I think I was a little afraid it would either be not as good as I’d heard or destroy me? Anyway, tonight I finally (finally!) watched it and, well, it destroyed me in the best way possible. And I wanted to go back and re-read Drew’s review (as always, fantastic writing, thank you Drew) – which is how I discovered that the link to said review in the “25 lesbian movies you can watch right now on Hulu” is linking to a review of “first girl that I loved”. But don’t fret I did find Drew’s review and everything else on this site about the movie.

Nicole: THANK YOU! I always try to share the nice things you all send us into the A+ box with our writers <3 And also thanks for the hot tip. I fixed the link!

I asked a question about how to start pitching, and Kayla provided some encouragement! One of her suggestions was to find an accountability partner… and while I didn’t do that, I do want to share that I submitted my first ever pitch today! Thanks, Kayla!

Kayla: Yay, I’m so proud of you! Even if you didn’t find an accountability partner, you still externalized your goal by writing into here, so it makes sense to me that you then pushed yourself to follow through on pitching. Sometimes, we have to make our goals exist outside of ourselves to really get us to go for it, ya know?

Shelli I want to give you the lifetime achievement award of your dreams for the strap week series!!!!!!!!

Shelli: Omigosh!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Heather: I’m just here to second that sentiment, congratulations Shelli!

Co-author bylines!!! So cool!!!

Heather: Yes! I love it! It’s especially helpful for our brilliant TV Team because we collab on so much stuff. I am so grateful for Sarah and the tech team for making those things work for us!

Sarah: It’s been a long-time wish/hope/dream for us, and huge congrats to Shelli for creating Strap Week and a definitive need for co-authorship!

Kayla: CO-AUTHOR BYLINES ARE A DREAM COME TRUE!

Nicole: I am grateful to you all for your member support which allows us to pay Yikes to help us create things like co-author bylines! Your gay dollars at work! 💗

Every week I look forward to the photo of Carol Aird Tinkerbell Sullivan Bernard. I’m a cat person, but she’s charming. I just learned today that my 86-year-old mother has died, so this week seeing Carol is also comforting. Thank you! And thank Vanessa, too. I will be re-reading her series on grief.

Riese: I am so sorry about your mother and Carol is too and she is so glad that she was able to comfort you, truly that warms my heart so deeply!

Carmen: I am sending you such much love as you’re mourning and shifting through grief, my friend. We’ve had a few big mournings our way over the last two years and it’s far from easy. I’m glad that the Carol pictures helped (she’s my favorite dog, too).

Nicole: I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. Sending you so much love and thank you for sharing this with us.

I just want to say that I so greatly admire how Carmen approaches responses to comments here with such empathy, clarity, tact, and integrity – it’s truly a masterclass in how to handle nuanced conversations from someone whose time is certainly already overburdened. Carmen, thank you for being here to steer this ship, you’re a gem and I hope you’re getting enough sleep <3

Kayla: I agree! Carmen is a gem! I also hope she’s getting MORE SLEEP!

Carmen: This is really so kind of you!!!! I’m blushing! Thank you for the encouragement. (I am, in fact, answering these questions from my last two full days of work for the entire year and then my big plans are to sleep for 11 days straight — omg — and see y’all in 2022!)

Nicole: Truly! There is so much we can all learn from Carmen, who I hope is currently have TOP NOTCH REST.

The membership pool is collective genius

Nicole: I am so happy it exists!!

Carmen: Genius!! That’s all. It’s the perfect word to describe the whole situation.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!