Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as many as we can. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

A-CAMP, MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

Which of the “lavender menace” t-shirts is better for cutting into a tank top? fitted or unisex?
Rachel: I think unisex for sure

Riese: I have three: unisex to wear with tight jeans, fitted to wear with baggy jeans, and unisex i cut into a tank top for global warming.

Would you kindly make a Tshirt with the classic Autostraddle logo? You know, a vintage thing
Riese: What do you mean by “the classic Autostraddle logo”?

What are the chances of having Allison Weiss and/or Mary Lambert come to A-Camp ever?
Riese: Pretty good, actually!

Did I miss the “bi brand strong” zine? i am dying to see all the cool pages everyone made
Rachel: You didn’t miss it! It is 150% my fault that you have not seen it yet because my personal life recently pivoted to video and I’ve had a hard time accomplishing things that aren’t essential day to day operations and also every time I open Illustrator lately for some reason it crashes within 20 seconds which is making it really hard to finish the one part of it that isn’t done yet. I love you and I’m sorry! It will be here soon!

Hey! If I recall correctly, you are not keen on having ads that autoplay sounds on the site, correct? Well, there is a Dell ad I’ve seen a few times today that plays techno music. The other video ads in that position on the upper right above this sidebar stay muted as far as I can tell. Would it be better if I emailed someone like Riese or Cee about this instead of sending it to this box?
Riese: Email Sarah! Sarah at autostraddle dot com. Because no we’re not supposed to have sounds auto-playing. But I believe this has been addressed.

So I’ve heard bits and pieces around Autostraddle for a while about a possible teen offshoot? Is that true, and if so, still a plan for the foreseeable future?
Riese: It was an idea that Kristin and I were banging around for a while, like in 2014/2015, but it is no longer a thing we are actively banging into. The reason for this is that our levels of “revenue” and “free time” have not increased as much as we predicted in order for such a thing to be possible, and we also were very stuck on figuring out how to make it a self-sustaining project past initial funding when our current projects are barely self-sustaining and nobody is getting paid enough! Also there was a time in my life when I thought I was moving into a house with a human I was going to marry and things would be nice and stable, like a little base life upon which I could rest and begin plotting for how to grow my business now that growing my life had been settled. That uh… didn’t work out as planned. I have less control/agency over my current life situation than I’ve had since high school, actually, which is neat, and also the target market for that hypothetical project, so I believe I just brought it back around.

Are Autostraddle tote bags going to become a thing? (Were they a thing at one point?)
Riese: Every time we’ve made tote bags nobody buys them until we put them on sale! But if you join A+ you can get a scissoring tote bag, it’s got gold and silver scissors on it and is perfect for toting around all kinds of objects including, I imagine, actual scissors. IDK we do keep trying tote bags against all odds.

Could you makes “Comics/Graphics Novels” a drop down from the Arts & Pop Culture tab? I have a hard time sorting through the geekery to find this. Video games might make sense here too, not that I’m looking for it, but others might.
Riese: Actually if you go into the “more” menu there is a “geekery” menu within that menu, which has video games and also a link to Drawn to Comics, which I believe is where all of our comics/graphic novel content is? I just created a “comics/graphic novels” tag but i can’t figure out how many posts we’d actually have to retroactively tag besides DTC.

Guys! The ads are making noise even when the little speaker icon has the line through it, and the thumbs up disappeared. I know there’s probably a proper place to bring this to the right person’s attention, but it’s late and I’ve been drinking. So.
Laneia: Thank you! Sarah at autostraddle dot com would love to hear about things like this! Also though what were you drinking.

Cee, you are the best! Take your time with the upvoting stuff – we’re okay for a couple few days. Hearts from a fellow software dev.
Cee: Thank you so much for understanding! As a fellow software dev, I’m sure you can relate to the fact that sometimes fixing this stuff takes 5 minutes, and sometimes it takes… much longer. Hearts back at ya!

HELLO I AM KIND OF DRUNK AND BEING VERY CASUALLY GAY IN PUBLIC WITH FRIENDS and it is the most wonderful thing, and I just want to thank you for all that you do and have done along the way; I would have never felt this good about being queer without Autostraddle. Y’all are literally out here changing lives everyday.

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

I don’t want this breakup that I’m going through. I was single for five years and I was only with her for four months, but dammit I was ready! I’m 37 and I am ready! I was also scared of everything because baggage and depression and now she’s on a pre-planned three week solo camping vacation deciding whether or not she wants to be with me. I feel powerless and my anxiety is soaring. I did workout yesterday for the first time in a year, so there’s that.
Heather: Blarg! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through that. Anxiety around other people’s decisions that have big time affects on my own life is my least favorite kind of anxiety, so I totally get it. I hope everything has worked out for the best by now, whether that best was what you hoped for or a different thing that will allow open up even more relationship goodness down the road for you.

Laneia: SO PROUD OF YOU FOR WORKING OUT.

Sooo I just realized that I forgot to list Esther Quek as one of my style inspirations on the fashion survey. Which is crazy because Esther Quek is my absolute #1 style inspiration! I have a Pinterest fashion board and it’s really just pictures of Esther Quek, plus a couple of people wearing motorcycle jackets! I felt it was really important to let Nora know about this oversight.
Nora: I feel both personally victimized that you forgot about Esther Quek in your original survey answer, AND honored that you wanted to make sure, against all odds, that I knew about your love for her. We’re only human, and we all make mistakes, but you have redeemed yourself completely. And perhaps, for that, you will be rewarded with an Esther Quek Style Thief. ILU.

I have a close-ish internet friend who I’ve known for several years, we have tons in common, and if she were ever to visit nearby I’d for sure extend the invitation to hang out IRL. In the past 6 or so months, I noticed more and more that she was sometimes reblogging, retweeting (or otherwise sharing on social media) that sort of “radfem”/TERF discourse that sets my teeth on edge (to put it mildly!) It was easy to ignore at first (hello that’s ur cis privilege showing its whole ass), but now it froths me up with rage and/or anxiety on a good day. And while I want to believe she’s not actually a TERF, if it talks like a TERF, walks like a TERF, reblogs like a TERF… It’s building to some sort of confrontation I need to have with her or a ghosting situation where I mute and blacklist until I might as well unfollow/unfriend, etc (which will also lead to confrontation!). I don’t think I’m emotionally equipped to have these sorts of conversation with her, but at the same time feel a sense of duty to suss this thing out with her. The main problem, aside from my lack of emotional capacity, is that I also don’t argue very well. I get flustered first of all, and secondly, I’m not sure what I even need to say to her. Part of my work in unpacking the privileges I have has been to listen to and be witness to the stories and experiences of people who are marginalized in ways I am not. What I’m struggling with now is how to put what I’ve learned into action.
Heather: I also hate, hate, hate confrontation and conflict. Haaaate it. But you’re absolutely right that you’re going to have to get real with this friend of yours. Transmisogynstic beliefs and the expression of those beliefs and the communities built around those beliefs are so dangerous and they have a hell of a lot in common with the alt-right. Milo Yiannopoulos went on so many tirades against trans women when he worked at Breitbart, using the same language and sharing the same ideology as the TERF movement. I believe in you. I believe you can get in there and change people’s hearts and minds. If not, though, I also believe in cutting ties when it’s time.

Riese: I just did this for like two hours with somebody and left the conversation not sure if my head was still screwed onto my body. It helps to write down a few key points and to think about what she might argue and how to come back at those arguments in a way that might more effectively open her mind. Honestly most cis women don’t know any trans women, they only know trans women on the internet who have gotten mad at them for spewing bullshit about trans women, and usually those exchanges are unpleasant and thus reinforce bigoted beliefs. I often find if all else fails that you can usually get somebody to open their mind to the idea that a lot of what is said about trans women is quite simply body-shaming, which is really mean! If you are a feminist you should not be participating in shaming women for how their bodies do or do not conform to patriarchal expectations of what a woman looks like. Most people don’t want to seem mean or be bullies, and also, most people have no basis for how they feel besides things written on the internet, you know? Sigh, maybe I should write something about how best to do this.

okay so I was sort of dating this girl for like five months (we were “taking it slow” and her name in my phone was “just my best friend who I’m flirting with but it’s not a thing but it’s also not NOT a thing”) and then outta nowhere she started dating someone else and didn’t tell me for two weeks and I was like miserable and heartbroken and she told me that she loved me but she didn’t want to get too attached and THEN we didn’t really talk that much for two months and I thought I was getting over it but then we talked on the phone and we were havin a good time but keeping it pretty light and I was like oh my god I’ve missed her so much and THEN she said that she still loves me and regrets what she did every day and now I can’t stop thinking about her and i just askldjsajdsaie
Rachel: Listen you can do what you want but if you read this back to yourself out loud, does it not sound like you should delete her number for at least a month? If you’re honest? Just saying! Think about it! Lighting a candle for you and your heart!

Laneia: Rachel’s right.

Hi y’all, this is very much an overwhelming need to share – the other night I CAME OUT TO MY BROTHER what in the actual fuck. I also came out to a random acquaintance a few days ago, which I was already psyched about, and then I went and did THIS and I am so proud of myself but also like some warning would have been nice???? is this just my subconscious taking over?? my brother was the best and it was a super positive, life-affirming experience so I’m happy this happened but also blown away that this was NOT THE PLAN. Also sorry about all the caps I have so many/too many feelings
Rachel: Wow I’m so proud of you you did so good! I’m so glad your brother was so good about it! I know it’s so weird when these things don’t go according to plan and sometimes we surprise ourselves but I trust that you always know what’s best for yourself even if you’re sometimes finding it out in the moment!

I really wish I was considered ‘pretty’. I know that pretty is subjective, a result of the patriarchy, etc., but I still can’t stop myself wishing someone would tell me I’m beautiful or hot or something… I don’t know why I’m writing this. You’re all super awesome and I am quite drunk. That’s probably why I’m writing this.
Heather: Well, I think you’re beautiful.

Riese: Sometimes I imagine that if gender didn’t exist, we’d all see ourselves as more beautiful than we currently do, you know? Like because we’re always measured up against this idea of what a [gender] should look like or what makes a [gender] attractive. Which is where “pretty” comes in. Sometimes I just try to look at myself in the mirror as a PERSON and then usually I feel a little better. But regardless I think you’re beautiful, hot, AND something.

I sent y’all a message two weeks ago when I was in the depths of despair about a breakup. Well! We are no longer broken up! Don’t they say it takes lesbians three tries to breakup? I think that one was our second attempt. Yikes. Y’all, I just want to settle down and have sex all the time and have babies. Why is that so hard to achieve?
Heather: Oh, congratulations! It’s not a snap to find someone you want to spend your life with. Compatibility is a really rare thing and relationships take a lot of work from everyone involved. It sounds like you’re on your way, though. I hope you get all the sex and babies your heart desires.

Is it weird that I got chatted up today by two attractive women & one guy who was hot enough (I’m vaguely bi) but went home alone. This stuff doesn’t happen to me every day… It’s just an ego boost
Yvonne: It’s not weird! It’s very exciting! GET IT

Someone referred to me as [my ex]’s yesterday & it’s bothering me. Am I being oversensitive?
Rachel: No! That was weird! Ew!

I have very important information to share with you lovely peeps! I just went on a LGBTQ history tour of the city of Toronto, and let me tell you, I learned some really cool stuff. Like when in 1970s a group of 3 lesbians robbed a bank to try to save their feminist bar, except they changed their mind WHILE robbing the bank, so it was too late, and they went ahead with it. They were later captured because it was the 70s and their getaway car was a PURPLE CAR WITH FLOWER DECALS! That is so cool, except for the part that they were caught, but they were fine, and now one of them is a real state agent in the city (!!!) The sad part is that I can’t find any information about them online :( There was a lot of other cool info, but this felt the most relevant to share!
Yvonne: I want to read all about this too! Someone figure it out and then write about it for us.

Story: I went out to treat myself for breakfast and while waiting to put my name down on the list a pushy old white guy (carrying a paper with large pic of BozoInChief) got in my space and asked if I was in line, if i was on the list yet, etc. Once I put my name down then he did and he bothered the host asking for the open counter spot right away even though the list is obviously long. A minute later, they offer me the counter spot and pretty soon I’m drinking the best coffee and eating the best blueberry pancakes with marionberry compote. And he’s still sitting, waiting, and reading his miserable paper looking quite grumpy. It’s really the little moments of misandry that make day to day life exciting and satisfying!!! Best breakfast!
Heather: HALLELUJAH!

Yvonne: YESSS! I LOVE WHEN THIS HAPPENS! One time I was finishing dinner with my partner at a crowded taco place with no available seating and I knew if we had gotten up right when a group of dudes were paying, they would’ve sat down immediately at our table. I saw there was a couple of super cute queer-looking women — who were either on a date or just friends, whatevs — right behind the group of dudes and I waited till they paid and then let them know our table was available for them to sit. Muahhhhahaha! The group of dudes had to sit uncomfortably at the long bar against the wall.

Hey All, I want to thank you for your response on a previous post I made about my issues concerning my sexual orientation. I have to agree that I do have a hard time identifying as bisexual. Even going to the extreme of saying that I’m bisexual homoromantic to put space between being bisexual and my innate desire for women. But I’ve come slowly to the conclusion that I am bisexual and it is more complex than I’ve previously understood. My ability to be attracted to more than one gender has always been an embarrassment. It was my internal resentment that I couldn’t control who I wished to be attracted to that cause my desire to push away from being labeled bisexual. Even using the word Queer to hide my limited attraction to men. I felt that I was betraying other lesbians by saying I was lesbian when I still had other attractions. Apologies for the rant. But I wanted to thank you all for your help, and I continue to strive to learn to accept my attractions to who ever I’m attracted to. Hopeful in time I will be proud of being bisexual.
Rachel: It sounds like this has been a hard road for you in a lot of ways and I’m sorry that (it sounds like) your relationship to your identity and attractions has been defined so heavily by shame! You’re doing the hard work of trying to live authentically with yourself and give up some painful narratives around it and I’m really proud of you! You’re doing so good bb. It might be possible/helpful to think about what other narratives or patterns or things you’ve come to believe about yourself, things rooted in family or history or other relationships, might be reinforcing or interacting with this — sometimes the things we believe about our identity and the things we believe about our self can dovetail into a weirdo tesseract of trauma! So fun. You can email me anytime bb, take care of yourself

We go to a pub quiz which is local & run by an old guy. He said ‘transgendereds’ instead of ‘trans people’ in an official answer. I feel like if you’re that uneducated on trans issues you shouldn’t talk about them so I don’t really want to go but my mum’s insisting on it.
Heather: Maybe just tell him! I have found, more often than not, when people use outdated language around sexuality and gender they’re most often just not informed. I correct people all the time, gently, and they hardly ever push back. Slip him a note or pull him aside. You got this.

so i got drunk and made out with my ex-girlfriend last week and it’s fine, we’ve moved past it, we’re good, but the part that was just FUCKING with me is that the whole time, straight people were like streaming out of the bar past us and not a single one of them could keep their mouths shut, the catcalls and the whistles and the “get it!” and I was like DUDE, this is confusing enough without all of you doing this stupid thing! MOVE PAST THIS AMERICA. Anyway.
Rachel: It really is complicated enough without all that isn’t it! God what fucking monsters those people are. I hope all of those people get food poisoning and find out their favorite show is canceled on the same day!

Riese: Also I hate it when you’re trying to do something self-destructive and all these people keep trying to snap you back into reality with their stupid reality, you know? Like just leave me alone, don’t give me an occasion to have to admit that I have a full brain right now!

In the July Autostraddle Insider Riese linked to an old post by Intern Grace about rejection, and the morning after I read that post, entirely as a result of reading it, I messaged the “straight” girl I’ve had a crush on for 2+ years and asked her out. Didn’t think she would say yes, mostly just wanted to ask so I could move on, but GUESS WHAT? She responded to say that she does like girls (which I’ve known all along! #bidar strong) and, if this thing she’s got going with somebody else doesn’t work out, then she’d be down to to go on a date with me (!!!!). I really don’t think any of this would have happened without that post so THANKS GRACE for writing it and THANKS RIESE for linking to it, you may be responsible for me getting to kiss a really really cute girl sometime soon. (Also, yes I do realize that this is the queerest relationship-origin-story ever, which is just fantastic tbh)
Riese: You are so welcome!! I hope that whatever happens feels right and good and look you took a risk and it paid off and you’re still here!!! I think that’s the greatest thing.

I have a lot of love for all of you here at Autostraddle and I worry that your hard work doesn’t always get enough acknowledgement and love. I’ve noticed lately that you’ve added so many new and awesome faces to write for y’all, and I’m so excited about everything to come from them and the site as a whole. Thanks for everything you do, each and every one.

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION / ARTICLE IDEAS

I neeeeed a copy of Lesbian Sexting the Zine. Where can I get my hands on a copy? Pretty please <3 <3
Yvonne: I went to their website and it seems they’re sold out! :/

Would you consider doing a twitter poll, asking readers to pick their #1 Game of Throne female character? And/Or ask your staffers for ones that set their little queer hearts aflame? My personal nominations would be: – Arya Stark – Brienne of Tarth – Daenerys Stormborn-Targaryen – Yara Greyjoy – Cersei Lannister Tough choice, right?
Heather: Hmm. We never really do Twitter polls. Let me think on it!

Witch hunt tip: amazon show Just Add Magic! Not queer per say but three preteen girls and three older women solving problems and mysteries with a magical cookbook. Solid content!!! And no romance storylines in two seasons which is really great to see in a show about young girls, like they are just living their fucking lives to the magical fullest!!! and they rock!
Heather: Uh, sold. I know what I’m doing with my weekend!

Have you heard of this year’s winning film at the Teddy Awards (Berlinale’s queer sibling), “Una mujer fantastica”/”A fantastic woman” from Chile? It’s main character is a trans woman, played by a trans actress AND it seems to have a happy ending. I haven’t seen it yet though and I am a bit afraid that it will be very voyeuristic and cisnormative. Any thoughts on it?
Rachel: I don’t think we were previously aware of this but can look into it!

Hot Tip, *BoJack Season 4 Spoilers* So, in the third episode of the current season of Bojack Horseman, a secondary character named Todd comes out as asexual. He might be the first ace character on TV, or at least the first one to actually use the word “asexual” to describe himself. This might be worth including in a pop culture news roundup.
Laneia: I stopped reading this when you said spoilers so I hope someone else answers you!! I know what you had to say was very useful and relevant and I appreciate it even though I can’t read it!

Season 2 of One Mississippi is SO GOOD!!!! I just watched the first 3 episodes and felt an all-consuming need to share, so thanks for being here!
Riese: I KNOW I’M TRYING TO MAKE EVERYONE WATCH IT!! GOSH I HOPE THEY TAKE OUR ADVICE.

Laneia: We zoomed through the second season last night and it was SO DAMN GOOD. I laughed out loud and I never laugh out loud!

CW seed has a mini series called “I ship it” with a wlw romance as one of the main stories and adorable background queers in a dance number. I don’t know if this is something you’ve already written about bc there are too many stories that link to shipping when I try to search. Anyways. The background queers casually made my heart melt.
Heather: Great tip, thank you! I will look into this immediately!

Suggestion for Monday Roundtable: what was the first big news story you were aware of as a kid?
Yvonne: That is a good question! The first one I was aware of was the whole Clinton, Monica Lewinsky scandal and that’s cuz I was like 5 years old???

Riese: I think the first one I remember is the Challenger explosion over Cape Canaveral which killed all the astronauts. Christa McAuliffe, a teacher, was on the ship, and I think I had a t-shirt of some kind that memorialized her in some way? I can’t remember, but this would’ve been in 1986, so that feels about right. Then I became obsessed with Sally Ride.

Suggestion for Monday Roundtable: you get killed and death lets you choose a game to challenge her for another chance at life. What game do you choose and why?
Heather: Monopoly. I have only lost one game of Monopoly in my entire life, but I think it was because I was playing against my teenage best friend’s boyfriend and I was obviously in love with her so I hated him with all the fire of all the suns and it was distracting. But you weren’t asking me, you were asking for a roundtable! I’ll add it to my ideas list.

Riese: Scattergories, hands down. Because I would win. But also if Death wanted to play by their own rules and not the official Scattergories rules, shit might get complicated.

Idea: Weekly round up similar to ‘No Filter’ but with people who play wlw characters- Kat Barrell, Elise Bauman, Nikhol Boosheri. I nominate Valerie Anne if this fantasy of mine is even possible. Thanks for all your hard work. We appreciate it everyday!
Riese: I like this idea! Butttt I think that we launched Autostraddle with a really specific intention to not be, like um, some other websites, worshipping of straight women who play gay characters for money, that we wanted to keep the focus on other openly LGBTQ women. We feel like that’s more EMPOWERING.

Hey lovely folks @AS! While I scrolled through Apple’s app store I found a new DreamDaddy-App. Is it associated with the original creators if the game? The same pics are used but I’m not sure and don’t want to buy it if someone just copied it.
Laneia: I believe it is a copy and not real.

Are ya’ll going to be doing anything regarding the new Trek series? I’ve never done TV recaps before but I’d be interested in doing one for Star Trek Discovery!
Heather: Thank you for offering your services. I have someone writing about it for Boob(s On Your) Tube!

I assume you guys are on it, but I’d love to see a piece on Take My Wife looking for a new home, and maybe some gentle encouragement for AS readers to take to twitter and keep the hashtag alive (as Cameron has been asking for)
Yvonne: Yes, you should check out the article Riese wrote about it!

So I’ve heard that there is such a thing as erotica podcasts…. like books on tape with sexy vibes…. Know any good queer ones? Seems like something y’all would enjoy researching :) While you’re at it, maybe some good romance books on tape? Of course there is Sarah Waters, but who to download next?
Yvonne: I’m not entirely sure if you would categorize The Heart podcast under “erotica podcasts” but it was formerly called Audio Smut! It’s a really stellar podcast regardless and covers “the triumphs and terrors of human intimacy, the bliss and banality of being in love, and the wild diversity of the human heart.” Also related, Casey compiled a list of lesbian romance audiobooks.

Whatever happened to the series 3AM by Pam?
Heather: We’ve tweaked the format so that it will be posting more consistently in the future. She’s working on it behind the scenes right now!

Laneia: It’s coming back this Sunday!!

Riese: Because it’s an ongoing story we decided that it would be better to roll out the whole story over a shorter period of time. The once-a-month installments were hard to follow. Its’ the same thing we’re doing with the series Megan Praz is working on. So we’re waiting for them to finish the whole storyline and we’ll go from there.

Idea for style content: how to dress appropriately for an office job and still flag queer? When you’re not masc?
Nora: We have someone working on such a post right this minute!

Thank you for keeping Autostraddle going and growing!! Also please try to take care of yourselves <3<3<3

I NEED ADVICE

A queer friend of mine mentioned offhand that she wasn’t “allowed” to identify on the butch/femme spectrum publicly because she identifies as queer and her girlfriend as bi. Is this a thing? It doesn’t make sense to me.
Riese: This is not a thing, no.

My friend and I have for the first time really talked about all the ways we hurt each other when we tried to have a relationship (5 years ago or so in a 9 year friendship). We spoke about what we are to each other now as we’ve drifted apart/ had some tension, and what we want now. Obviously what we want is to have a friendship that is mutually fulfilling where we are supportive and build each each other up and bring each other joy. But we have been through a lot and caused each other pain over the years because of a destructive dynamic (which isn’t always there, but we have a tendency to drift into), so is it possible to grow past that? How do you move out of a dynamic that is harmful for both people? And how do you deal with having completely opposite ways of approaching conflict?
Laneia: I think this might be a time when it makes more sense to accept that you’re not a good fit for each other, friends or otherwise?

Riese: You could try going to couples therapy for your friendship, if that’s a real option for you. But the only other option is to process through all of that on your own, which means being completely totally honest about everything and holding each other accountable going forward.

I’m butch and have never tried a binder. Lately I’ve been curious, but I know it’s something I would only wear on occasion, because I like my boobs, they just don’t fit my shirts well. Is that too much like being a poser because I don’t have dysphoria?
Riese: Not at all! Literally every girlfriend I’ve had besides Alex have worn binders at some point or wear binders currently and exactly zero of them were trans. It just makes shirts fit better! Our most popular binder post ever was written by Ali, who is cis.

Laneia: I’ve binded (bound?) before and it was neat and fun! Do what you want!

I trust your queer sensibilities on this. My partner is enchanted with the idea of a potluck wedding reception. I think it’s tacky, but also I’ve been married before. I mean, we’re 30s, middle class. Should I swallow my pride or suggest an alternative?
Riese: I think it’s just too much room for failure or confusion and a lot to ask of guests, you know? I feel like part of the fun of a wedding, maybe just for me, is that I don’t have to make my own damn dinner. Also if you have guests coming from out of town, where would they prepare the food to bring? This just seems very messy and complicated! You have enough to worry about without trying to coordinate entrees and deserts and sides and vegan this and gluten this with a catering staff of YOUR ENTIRE GUEST LIST.

Laneia: I can see this being a cute idea under the right circumstances, but what if you had a potluck newlywed party instead? Like, a couple of weeks/a month after the wedding. IT COULD EVEN BE THEMED.

oof oof oof been having some feelings and questions about non-binary-ness and i’m confused bc trans doesn’t feel right but can you be cis and nb because that weirdly kinda does feel right maybe? like i’m closer to the binary side of things but like not on the binary? also what would it look like to come out and am i comfortable with she and they pronouns and does that mean i still have cis privilege. so much confused
Riese: Hm, well, I feel like there are probably lots of resources online to help you in this journey that would be more helpful than anything this cis person could tell you! But none of the other editors took this question so here I am. Firstly — this is all a journey and you don’t need to have all of the answers right now! You don’t even have to identify as the same thing right now as you do for the rest of your life or next year or next month. Sometimes gender is fluid over your lifetime, or sometimes it takes a while to figure it out. I can tell you that on our reader surveys more people identified as genderqueer/non-binary women than genderqueer/non-binary people, and I think that’s fairly common. So yes, that’s a thing! (Here’s another thing: ALMOST EVERYTHING IS A THING) But there are also others who feel that non-binary is absolutely a trans identity, because it means “not identifying with the gender you’re assigned at birth.” If you’re gender non-conforming, don’t identify with traditional concepts of being female, or otherwise feel at odds with popular conceptions of what womanhood looks or feels or acts like, then do know that a lot of cis women feel that way, especially queer cis women. (Including me!) So feeling that way doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not cis. (Again, only you know this, not me!) Here’s a Non-Binary reddit, here’s an ask a non-binary tumblr, here’s Why I’m Non-Binary But Don’t Use They/Them. If you’re okay with “she” pronouns then sure, that’s a privilege you have that many non-binary people don’t have, but like it’s not a contest to have less privilege, and privilege is no more black and white than GENDER! Even within these various identity groups there is a vast spectrum of privilege a person may or may not experience, and your identity is not defined solely by your level of privilege. But the bottom line is I cannot tell you who you are or what your gender is — nobody can, not even other non-binary people. You’ll get there, it’s not a race.

Advice wanted: So I’m in the best job of my life. I’m an Associate Scientist at a bio-tech company, doing fascinating work that I love & will talk about to no end when prompted. My coworkers all get along & my boss is phenomenal; he is our biggest advocate to the higher ups & to external people, & he pushes all of us out of our comfort levels to grow both as scientists & overall employees. Thanks to him I’m slightly less terrified to speak in front of people, & I’ve done projects on completely opposite ends of things we do because he wants me to have a wide variety of experiences. I’m currently in my 30s & I would have never imagined working in such a great environment. Now for the problem. I’m qualified to be a Scientist (the next level up.) There was an opening for a Scientist position in my group a few months ago & I interviewed for it, but the corporate people decided it wasn’t in the budget. Since then, my boss & many of my coworkers have told me that they would’ve chosen me for the role. I know that my boss is fighting the higher ups to get me promoted, but there’s only so much he can do. Meanwhile, the sheer volume of work & types of projects that I’m doing are on the high end of the spectrum for a Scientist, & WELL beyond what is expected of an Associate. I know my boss is giving me this work because he trusts me with it, knows I can do it, and wants to give me a wide range of knowledge, but it still feels like I’m being taken advantage of. I could apply to jobs elsewhere & probably get a better title & more money, but I don’t want to leave this environment. What would you do?
Riese: Was somebody else hired for the position? I’m not totally clear on that aspect. If what happened was that the company decided that there’s not enough room in the budget for somebody in that position, period, and you’re confident your boss has done everything they can to push the higher-ups to create that position and funding for it, and hire you to fill it, then I think you’re not really being wronged presently, you know? If your boss is giving you work that somebody being paid more than you should be doing, and that “somebody being paid more” exists but isn’t doing the work because you’re better at it, then it’s a tough situation, and you are being wronged. You should have that person’s job. But if it’s just a not-fully-funded company and so you’re picking up slack for less money than you deserve but you love the work, then hell, your job sounds a lot like my job. You could try talking to your boss though, just to see — maybe they think you like doing the work that is more challenging or don’t realize you feel conflicted about it. The last thing you want to happen is for you to build resentment that’ll eventually rear its ugly head at a bad moment and could easily be cleared up with conversation! Bosses want to know how their workers feel and I would much rather have someone come talk to me about needing to get paid more then to walk around with that feeling.

advice question: i’ve recently started having sex with someone i’ve been friends with for awhile. i get the sense they’re wanting to take things slow & keep things casual & fun, at least for now. but i’m falling for them really fast, & my knee-jerk reaction is to be all “lol just pals having sex!” as a buffer for my feelings. how do i stop myself from doing this & ease into Opening Up About Scary Feelings Territory?
Rachel: I know it’s hard! I think you have to wait until a chill time that isn’t immediately before, during or after having sex and when both of you have a chance to leave after, like you aren’t trapped in an elevator together, and just say like “hey I’m realizing that I’m feeling interested in pursuing something with you, and I know you might not be, but I wanted to put that on the table.” You can add or subtract scary feelings as you wish! I’m proud of you for trying; let me know how it goes bb!

Is there a good way to try and normalize/not stigmatize bdsm/kink without outing yourself? I was in a conversation with some new coworkers where they were negatively discussing one of their housemates, who apparently “is into weird bdsm sex stuff” as though that’s a bad thing. I didn’t know how to respond but want to be prepared next time to change the narrative!
Rachel: I think you could kind of play it like talking about marriage equality over the Thanksgiving dinner table when you aren’t out — kind of like a devil’s advocate? Angel’s advocate? I don’t think you need be all “Well actually, as a Weird BDSM Sex Stuff person who lives among you.” In general people are really sensitive to feeling like the odd one out or thinking their opinion is in the minority; I think if you even just raised an eyebrow and said like “oh? is it weird? really? huh” the implication will be that their opinion is unusual and weird and they’ll feel embarrassed enough that they’ll back off and not want to talk more about it. If you want to go a little farther than that and introduce some actual information or educate them, you can take some time and pick 1-3 things you could say next time that are simple but direct — maybe like “As long as everyone involved is consenting, I don’t know why that or any other sex act would be weird.” If it’s simple and short it will be easier to say naturally, and you can just sort of repeat variations on it as needed. Sorry your coworkers sound like they kind of suck!

HELP my sister is getting married in 14 months & I’m in the wedding party & I’m masc presenting & her color is FOREST GREEN, she instructed me to just MAGIC UP A SUIT in FOREST FUCKING GREEN; I CANNOT AFFORD A CUSTOM MADE SUIT DO U SEE MY PROBLEM?? I have requested a 3rd party mediator for discussing clothes lest we fight for a year / I quit the wedding party (We’re Not An Emotionally Functional Bunch) but I’m FREAKING OUT. Dress pants have this texture?? That feels like when a scream is stuck in your throat that might also be a sob or both or vomit. Like hateful spiders, but they’re your skin. Men’s pants don’t fit, women’s pants are women’s pants, I can’t afford a tailor, and whatever Dysphoria inducing Frankensteins monster outfit I inevitably find at H&M will be photographed & hung on walls, forever. Forever!! I can’t put all this on my sister while she plans her wedding but also I need to deal with it so she can plan her wedding (omg I wish I weren’t in this fucking wedding??)
Laneia: Oh man, let me tell you an item of clothing that I never want to wear: dress pants. Why does your sister think you have access to resources that would ever result in a forest green suit? Like, under what delusion is she living? Does she think you make more money than you really do? Does she know of a forest green suit place just on the other side of town? Here is an obvious thing I’m sure you’ve already thought of and for whatever reason aren’t able to embrace, but you do have the option to respectfully decline inclusion in this wedding party. You do! Failing that, I think it’s within reason to ask her to give you at least three actual forest green suits that she knows exist and are for sale or rent, so you can have at least a small starting point. I have to say that I’m rooting for one of them to be velour or corduroy because that would be just weird enough to make it fun, in my opinion.

Beautiful AS team I need advice…. and I feel like you guys would be the ones with the good ideas. I started on antidepressants recently, and they seem to be doing me good and I have no unwanted effects or anything, except for one thing. I’m finding it really hard to orgasm. I’m in the most sex positive stage of my life I’ve ever had and they haven’t affected my libido at all….so I don’t know. I think they’re just reducing the sensibility of my body? Is this just in my head? Is it a cycle because I’m frustrated about it and then that makes it even harder and more frustrating etc? Do you have any advice pleeeaaaaase?! PS your hair looks great today xx
Heather: I have some advice about this! One time I was on an antidepressent that made me have orgasm migraines. I’m talking about skull-splitting migraines that felt like an explosion in the back of my head. It was the meanest thing the lord has ever done to me. I have also taken medicine that makes it harder to orgasm. What I’ve found to the most helpful is figuring out how my body is responding differently, and what it’s enjoying, by myself first. That way I’m eliminating as much of the pressure and anxiety as I can involving another person. And then once I pick up on what’s different I can explain that to my partner. The best advice I can give you is not to get caught in a panic feedback loop because “Oh no, I didn’t orgasm last time what if I don’t orgasm this time or next time or never again” is a recipe for being completely unfulfilled. Just take it one step at a time and recalibrate your expectations after every experience.

Hello lovely humans! I got argonauts and have been trying to read it but I am having such a hard time getting through it. I feel like it’s really academic and I don’t have the background to support that. I like what I’ve been able to understand so far and am excited about finishing. Do you have any tips for how to navigate the author’s ideas and usage of theory and quotes?
Yvonne: My advice is to not beat yourself up over not knowing everything you come across in the book. It can be super intimidating to read something overwhelmingly academic and you can feel defeated about going on. I suggest taking it little by little and learning whatever you get from it. Lucky for you we interviewed Maggie Nelson about The Argonauts which she breaks down some quotes and concepts and Maree wrote a splendid list of books and texts that Nelson mentions and quotes in The Argonauts for further reading and understanding.

I have a group of friends from high school who are all still really close – we even have a group email chain that’s been active for over 12 years. In April, one of these friends got married and we were all together for the first time in almost two years. It was one of the best nights of my life. I think if someone had done an exit poll asking where it ranked for each of us in terms of greatest times we’d had together, it would’ve made top 3 for everyone. We drank, we danced, we laughed, we strengthened bonds and found new reasons to love each other. The next morning, we woke up to find that one of our friends had died in his sleep. His death was ruled an accidental overdose caused by a reaction between the alcohol he drank and a prescription medication he was taking. He wasn’t supposed to be drinking with his meds, something he probably knew and ignored anyway because who knows why any of us do anything? We all parted ways around 3am. He went to sleep and just stopped breathing. I’ve known him since I was 15. He was my boyfriend for 9 years. We broke up in 2010 and we’ve been closer in the last 5 years than we ever were when we were a couple. It’s been 3 months and I’m more lost than I was in the first week. How do you learn to be a whole person again when someone who’s been a part of you for more than half your life dies out of fucking nowhere at 33 years old, hours after you were standing right in front of him and he was fine?
Laneia: I am so, so sorry for this incredible loss. It’s horrible and unfair and fucked. I don’t even know what to say. I think every time we experience profound loss, we learn to be whole again by bringing them with us everywhere we go, forever. And I guess by that I mean, you learn how to find them everywhere, even inside of you. You recognize them in a funny shirt in a window display and in the way you fold towels and in an opinion you have to share and in a morning and a constellation and in a hat you thought you’d donated years ago. You just find them everywhere and it gives you strength to see all the ways they still affect you and the world, even when they’re not in it anymore. I’m so sorry.

So I went on a date with someone about a month ago. The conversations we had were so great, but (from my perspective at least) for multiple reasons I feel like we mutually understood (albeit it, not verbally) we would never work as anything other than friends. We’re at very different places in life, in the coming out process, etc. We haven’t crossed paths or spoken since that date, but I think about them a lot. I live in a relatively small town with a very small LGBT community. I have just a couple acquaintances that fall somewhere on the LGBT spectrum, but thats it. I really want to be friends with this person, but part of me feels like I’m just perpetuating the incestuousness (there’s got to be a better word for that. But I’m just meaning the fact that it seems like everyone in a small LGBT community seems to all date/hook-up with each other. I know 3 of their ex-girlfriends for crying out loud and I didn’t even realize I knew that many gay people here!) of LGBT relationships by basically saying “well that whole dating thing didn’t work out, but let’s still be best friends.” And I feel like I don’t even know how to reach out to them with a text conveying “I think we can agree we shouldn’t go on more dates, but can we still be friends?” without it being creepy. This whole dating thing was way easier when I thought I like guys and didn’t care as much about their feelings (because news flash to self, I didn’t actually like them!)… ugh.
Laneia: Honestly I see nothing wrong with this example text. It’s honest and straight to the point! I’m not sure why being friends with them after one date would be a bad thing? I think that’s the logical next step, actually. You hit it off in a platonic way and that’s great, so just be friends! It seems like you have some internalized embarrassment about how you think people view small LGBT communities and you have to get rid of that. We do stay friends with our exes and our friends’ exes and our exes’ friends! There usually aren’t very many of us in one town, so it makes sense that we’d overlap like that. It’s normal and fine and you should send that text!

Advice question: so I am fat and out of shape. I’m not saying that as a judgement statement, it’s objectively true. I don’t particularly care about how I look, but I would really like to get back into shape. I was an athlete in college (rowing is awesome, but way too expensive as an adult) and, while I don’t necessarily need to get back to that level, I’d like to be able to do more athletic stuff. The thing holding me back though is others perception of me. I know that what others think of me doesn’t matter, but that doesn’t stop me from being terrified. Any recommendations for getting over that?
Heather: The good news about exercise is almost as soon as you start doing it you feel better and once you start feeling even just a little bit better in your mind you start feeling better about yourself and your body. Endorphins are fucking crazy. So my advice is just to acknowledge to yourself that the beginning of everything is always really hard, there’s never going to be a time when getting back into the athletic stuff you love isn’t going to be hard (ever, if you’re waiting for the time you feel good about doing it, it’ll never come). So you just say to yourself, “This is not going to feel great but I’m going to do it anyway.” And before you know it, it will feel great and then you’ll feel better too because you’ll be doing something you love and you’ll be proud of yourself for doing it. Emotional feedback loops are inevitable. Try to get yourself into a positive one by taking the tough first steps.

I’m bisexual. After a devastating breakup with my ex-girlfriend, I was single for over two years, during which time I was very sure I wanted my next relationship to be with a woman. I wanted that for so many reasons, on so many levels. All the people I went on dates with and messaged with and courted and crushed on were women. Then, very unexpectedly, I fell for a guy, and we’ve been dating three months. He’s a glorious human–humbly and attentively feminist, wholly comfortable that I out-butch him. There is nothing wrong with him. Except that… well, he’s a cis het man. And I wish… I wish I were dating a woman. Because I have internalised biphobia. Because I feel like I’m less queer now. Because I want to privilege and honour and emphasise my love of women, and I’m worried that loving this man somehow betrays that. Because I hear a lot of snide jokes within the queer community about bi women ending up in monogamous relationships with cis het men. I feel as though I should have the strength and conviction to choose to be lesbian. I’m ashamed to feel myself benefiting again from heterosexual privilege. I feel like I’m disappearing, no matter how hard I try to present as queer. What on earth do I do with these thoughts and feelings?
Rachel: Oh my dove this is really resonant, yes, and to the extent that it’s helpful for you to hear that other people, other bi women, have also felt this way, absolutely so many of us have felt this way. I think what’s hard — and this isn’t something you can do in one question or even one month or one year — is figuring out the layers of this. Because there’s your sense of other peoples’ perception of you, what they think of who you’re with; there’s your own perception of yourself and internalized stuff, your saying that “I feel as though I should have the strength and conviction to choose to be a lesbian;” then somewhere in there there’s your own bedrock of self and feeling, to the extent that those things exist in an objective state without the filter of our fears and concerns and culture. While awareness of those different elements doesn’t make internalized stuff magically go away, it does help us have some perspective — that how we feel isn’t the same as reality, even though how we feel is real and it matters.

As to ‘what do I do with these thoughts and feelings’ — I wish I could tell you! There isn’t one answer. I think as far as not feeling ‘queer enough,’ the best thing to do is to connect with community — with other bi people, with lesbians, with other queer people. It’s possible it won’t always be peaches and cream but at the end of the day, we’re family — and much like family, even when things are really difficult you can often still feel love and connection. Letting yourself be authentically yourself around other queer people is healing in a way nothing else is, and it opens you up to the feeling of going home glowing and unselfconscious and comfortable and realizing that you feel that way because you’re with queer people and because you are queer! It won’t always feel that way, but when it does it will feel so good, and will help to remind you when you’re feeling like you do right now.

How do I stop thinking about my ex when ppl remind me?
Heather: You can definitely absolutely completely ask people not to bring up your ex around you. You can do it in a chill way, even over email or text. Just tell them you’re trying to move on and it’ll help you to do that if you don’t talk about your ex for a while. I’m sure your friends will honor your request! They want you to be happy!

we’ve slept together a few times and she’s rly cool but like it’s just sex i dont want nothing more…except when she doesn’t text me back or express interest for a few days then my brain flips the onlywantswhatcanthave switch and all of a sudden thinks WE ARE IN LOVE. y tho?
Heather: I think maybe it’s not just sex and you do want something more. I think maybe you’re just telling yourself it’s only sex.

I’ve been dating this awsome girl for a couple months now. Things are pretty good but she has a really toxic relationship with her mom and has experienced abuse as a child. One example, although she is out to her mom are her mom is less than supportive of her dating other women and will regularly make comments about this. Her relationship with her mom is obviously impacting our relationship and how she is responding to certain situations. I have reacted in ways that have definitely not helped this. And while I realize that having the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally let you down, I sometimes feel that this is used as an excuse when she has acted in a way that ends up hurting me. I’m trying really hard to be supportive because so many other aspects of the relationship are going great and I really, really like her. The past/current abuse doesn’t cause a daily strife but when her past abuse comes up it manifests itself in big ways. Since I had a very different childhood and relationship with my own parents I’m having a hard time knowing exactly how to support her and how to react when the toxic relationship with her mom manages to directly impact me. At this point it doesn’t look like cutting the mom out of the picture is an option and we also haven’t been together long enough/not at the point where this is really serious yet (although I would like it to get there someday) for me to feel like this is even a conversation we can or should have at this point. Any advice or useful links would be really appreciated. (On a side note I recently got insurance again and have started seeing a therapist of my own so I do have some professional back up but I also had other reasons for going back to therapy that I want to make sure I have time to devote to.)
Laneia: What about couple’s therapy? Or even talking to your therapist about ways you can diffuse situations when you see them coming, or at least some healthy boundaries to prevent their toxic relationship from affecting you so directly.

I’m kind of struggling with feeling like I’m non-binary but also that I strongly culturally identify with queer female culture and am only interested in dating people who identify as women. Is this weird and contradictory?
Laneia: I mean, to be fair, all of us are weird and contradictory? Humans are complicated and nuanced! You are who you are, you feel how you feel.

How do you make friends as an adult? I’ve met a couple of people recently who are great and I have seen them a few times at events etc. I messaged one of them on facebook to invite them to a thing but they haven’t “seen” it despite being on facebook… Do I just wait it out/ hope we happen to go to the same event again?
Heather: I am a person who never checks any DMs on any platform including Facebook, so maybe there’s another way to reach out to them? Making friends as an adult isn’t always easy, but it’s very rewarding. Don’t give up!

Riese: I also haven’t read a DM on Facebook since 2007, so I wouldn’t read too much into them ignoring Facebook DMs.

i don’t think it’s wrong to want a semblance of normalcy in my relationships. i don’t want to feel like my relationship is gonna fall apart because of bigotry i can’t control. i just want to be able to tell people how my partner is doing without it being a big deal. and i want her to be able to do the same. how do i make a vision board for this? what should i be imagining? how do i get her to envision this future with me?
Rachel: You’re right! This should not be too much to ask! It sounds like you’re in stuck place with this and I’m sorry — without knowing more about where you and your partner are at with this and people in your life it’s hard to know what you should or could be imagining. But I think you’re right and a vision board is the right place to start — or a vision, of some kind, trying to see a different future. It’s okay to not have answers, you can work on questions instead — what would this look like? what are your fears? what are your hopes? what are things that seem too impossible to hope for? let yourself think about the questions, let yourself imagine what it might feel like to have some answers for them, you can figure out a way forward i believe in you

First dates are filling me with existential dread!!! And the thought that maybe I only get one true love and I had it and now it’s gone and I’ll never have it again! How do I stop feeling this way?
Heather: First dates are so scary, I agree! It can feel like an evaluation of your entire person! Okay, but: There’s no such thing as only having one true love. I know it’s a very common thing in stories and stuff but it’s just not how brains and hearts work in the real world. Humans have the capacity for so many different (and different kinds) of intimate connections. The thing that makes it statistically more likely that you’re going to fall in love again is to go on those dreaded first dates. I know it feels daunting and sometimes overwhelming but I believe in you and your ability to make it fun. Worst case you get out of your house and away from the news and get to have a delicious dinner or drink or cup of coffee, right?

How do I keep the same hobbies as my ex without thinking about my ex when I do them?
Heather: Time. I know that’s not a fun answer, but it’s true. Time will smooth out the sharp edges of the memories that are causing you pain. One day you’ll realize you did the thing without thinking of your ex, and then one day you’ll realize you stopped realizing it. Probably, even with time, your shared hobbies will remind you of them occasionally, but it’ll just be the whisper of an echo of the shadow of a thing. You might even remember it with fondness.

Laneia: This is only tangentially related to your question, but I think about the same girl nearly every time I put on mascara (she had a very special mascara application method that included separating her eyelashes with an opened safety pin?????????) and it annoys the living hell out of me!

So I just found out a family I knew through work & who I defended against racist bullying were actually keeping slaves. Real slaves & they’ve just been convicted over it. I’m not sure how to deal w that. Is it wrong to do the right thing for ppl who turn out to be evil? I only know its the family who did it (it was on the news) so I’m hoping that different members of the family were keeping slaves to the ones I stopped being bullied. Feels like a huge moral dilemma to me, like a question from ethics class rather than a real life thing.
Riese: I’ve done the right thing for people who turned out to be total assholes at least 555 times in my life. You were doing your best with the information you were given, you know? If the people you defended were indeed the same people from this family who kept actual slaves, then you’re probably just a victim of manipulative personalities, which we’ve all been at some point. Also jesus christ that’s awful.

So one of my best friends has had a long spell of unemployment and general bad luck and is really depressed. One thing that they have told me recently is that I’m hard to be around because things are going really well for me in general and I’m wondering if you have advice on how to best be supportive and loving in this situation?
Riese: I don’t know how feasible this is for you, but is there any way for you to spread the fruits of your good luck to your friend? Take them out to dinner, invite them to something fun you have access to but they might not? I know some people don’t like that kind of thing (accepting what they see as “handouts” or something) but I also think there’s a great value in somebody who has joy and levity to spare to try and give a little bit of that to somebody who’s not doing as well. If that doesn’t make sense for this dynamic then I think honestly it’s possibly slightly unfair for them to say your happiness is making them sad? Like do you have to be equally sad in order to hang out? I think being conscious that you’re not gloating and you’re there to listen to this person is the best you can do. Chances are good that they’re frustrated with a situation they can’t control, and you’re an easy target.

does anyone else have unresolved sexual tension with friends whom they don’t actually want to date (because of other, non-physical incompatibility) but who has always occupied a special place in their heart? i have such friends in my life — who’ve been sitting in their special place for almost twenty years — and i wonder if this is simply something i have to accept as a reality in my life.
Riese: Yes, I think so! I’ve often had a few people like this in my life and I think it’s a normal thing to have and carry around with you, like a chapstick you haven’t thrown out even though you’d have to dig into it with your fingernail to get any of it out.

Hi! There are a couple of restaurants/bars that I go to regularly that have single-stalled gendered bathrooms and I’d like to approach the managers/owners to suggest that the bathrooms become gender neutral but I’ve been unsure of the best way to approach an initial conversation. I’ve looked for resources/guides online but haven’t had much luck- I was wondering if you were aware of any resources like this that you might be able to share (or create)? Thanks!
Heather: Oh, I know this! Check out OurRestroom.com.

So I’ve been out to myself (and 1 other person who lives many miles away from me) for a few years now and in the last couple months I’ve finally gotten comfortable enough to come out to other real life humans. 5 of them so far, to be exact. So far, pretty much every response I’ve gotten has been a loving “Was I supposed to be surprised that you’re gay? Because I’m not.” I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m really in need of more queer friends (or ANY queer friends, really). The only date I’ve ever been on with a woman felt more like a therapy session because I was just a rambling little bundle of all things gay because I’ve never really known many queer people to talk about LGBT things with and it was just so eye-opening. I recently discovered that my work has an LGBT group that meets regularly to talk about LGBT issues etc. And the potential of new queer friends/possible girlfriend is huge. Going to their meetings seems super duper overwhelming, but something I want so bad to do! But it’s scary and way out of my comfort zone. Any words of wisdom/advice would be great! How do I just take that first step and show up?
Yvonne: First of all, congrats! Coming out to people for the first time is a huge accomplishment. It’s totally scary to take the first step of meeting other queer people! But you just need to jump right in and go to the LGBT group! Don’t put so much pressure on yourself or the group to make friends right away. Your first goal is to just show up to a meeting and introduce yourself. Small steps are more attainable and manageable and before you know it you’ll have a growing network of queer friends.

I had my fine, curly hair dyed blue (by a professional) and it’s nothing like I thought it would be and I hate it. What should I do?
Yvonne: Listen, this has happened to me before. I wanted a smokey lavender on my naturally dark brown hair and I didn’t get it the first time I went to a professional hairstylist. She didn’t have the right purple dye and it turned out to be more magenta than smokey lavender. After washing and styling it, I was still unhappy with the look and called my hairstylist about it. She was definitely understanding and told me to come in to fix it, free of charge. Maybe this is an option for you? But I guess, my hairstylist was understanding because it was her fault for not giving me the color I wanted. I know you probably don’t want to hear this but maybe just wait a couple of weeks and then dye it back to a color you want. It’s a bunch of money lost but you’ll be happier!

help i’m dating (kinda?) a boy (cis) and my internalized biphobia is acting tf up and…..can you remind me i’m still queer even tho i just got a thing implanted in my arm so this person who isn’t even my boyfriend technically can come inside me (…..that sounds bitter….i really like him! i am just freaking out about identity and what this arm thing Represents which is, nothing, it represents being prepared for any of the realistic eventualities of my sexuality) (but still)
Rachel: Darlin’ you are as queer as ever — possibly more queer! you are who you are, and you always will be; choices you make about your body and sex or things you may or may not have in your arm will never be able to change that. your identity isn’t inherently and will never be dependent on others; the gender of anyone in your life or your bed isn’t ever going to change anything about you. you know who you are and so do i, we see you always bb

My APlus renewed today. I’m happy to be able to support Autostraddle. I may nag you from time to time but I love you very much. All of you.

MISC

I heard about this on a podcast today, and needed to alert Erin. I think we need another investigation to determine if straight women are okay. 
Erin: I thank you for this update on Straight People Watch 2K17. The various ways in which straight women have throughout the ages ruined their “water-lady” as this article so awfully puts it in an attempt to make sex with it more “appealing” to men has always been concerning, but putting glitter in it takes it to a whole new level. It’s true that gay people have a better grasp on glitter but like, straight people know glitter…doesn’t dissolve? And is in fact like small shards of metal? With sharp corners? The phrase “can migrate through the cervix” is never something that we as women, on top of everything, should have to consider when weighing the pros and cons of pleasing our sexual partner. People with vaginas: your vagina is fine as is, unless it’s not, in which case, go to a doctor, and here I’m including the people who’ve decided to engage in this glitter trend and have small lacerations all up inside of it.

Pumpkin beers are the worst though Heather
Laneia: Every single year I think, “Do I like pumpkin beer? Surely I liked at least one of them. Was it this one?” and reader, IT IS NEVER THIS ONE.

Help! I’m stuck in a WayHaught loop!!
Heather: Mmm, me too. Why are you trying to stop it?!

You guys, I don’t know if you noticed it but TeenVogue has really improved itself, and is really kinda inclusive and uses neutral wording and is just all sorts of perfect. Also, it’s really sex positive in a good way, like if you want to know about sex here’s some technical, anatomical knowledge. Exhibit A) Anal 101:  It just really kinda reminded me of the “Scarlet” magazine from “The Bold Type”.
Riese: We know! We know, we know. But also did you know that women’s magazines have often been at the cutting edge of feminist discourse? Cosmopolitan used to be super-edgy, and so was Jane Magazine and Sassy.

Was Gluck (the painter) a transman or a lesbian or genderqueer or can’t we know cos of when they lived?
Riese: I think people have taken Gluck’s assertion that they do not wish to be referred to by any gendered language that they would be non-binary or genderqueer if the option had existed at the time? That’s what I’ve always thought. But of course, we can’t know for sure. Maybe if butch lesbianism was more accepted that would’ve been a good fit, it’s hard to say how people would’ve defined themselves when so much self-definition is tied up in reactions to the current definitions of the world. But we can’t really know.

sometime in the last yeah (around election? around the inauguration?), a femme person with scruff, fierce makeup, and a scarf around their head like classic hollywood, tweeted a video of only a few seconds where they said: “eeeeverything’s gooooing to be ooooooookaaay.” it’s been with me ever since but i can’t find it. i must not have hearted it on twitter. does anyone know what i’m talking about?!
Rachel: It was Jeffrey Marsh! @thejeffreymarsh on twitter! I love them their twitter is so soothing

Casting has been announced for the Sally Wainwright HBO show about Anne Lister. 
Heather: Ooooh, thank you.

I NEED TO SCREAM ABOUT GAME OF THRONES SEASON SEVEN EPISODE TWO WHY DO THE WRITERS OF THIS SHOW HATE QUEER WOMEN SO MUCH?!?!?!?!
Heather: Yeah, these writers haven’t made very good decisions this year.

NZ celesbian gayby news Ladyhawke’s wife Madeleine Sami is a great New Zealand actress and, most importantly, one third of the greatest Vagina Monologues cast a circa 2002 baby queer could ask for – w/ Lucy Lawless and Danielle Cormack (Wentworth)
Laneia: WELL DAMN.

I’m listening to this programme about how convents and monasteries are dying out. I’m wondering if homophobia being less than in previous ages has something to do with it – the skeptic in me thinks if I lived in a deeply homophobic society and was monosexually gay, I’d take holy orders rather than having to marry someone I wasn’t attracted to with all that entails… Don’t tell the homophobic Christians or they’ll have another thing to moan about. And I’m saying this as someone who’s vaguely Christian but bi.
Yvonne: Oh hmm this seems like a valid hypothesis!

Riese: Theories like this are why I live.

Heather the other day on twitter you recommended this bananas sounding PLL fic about McHastings can you link it?
Heather: Okay, so, I sent a message to the author to ask her if I could link it because I didn’t want to tweet it out and get her destroyed by PLL trolls. It’s, um, not very Emison friendly and also Ezra goes to prison in it. She never messaged me back. If you email me, I will send you a link, though! heather at autostraddle dot com

I hate when good books have problematic bits
Heather: Yeah, me too. And TV show. And music. And movies. :(

Feeling very depleted lately, with a short fuse and tears that come surprisingly easily, in weird spots like on the phone with a customer service person, and for a whole 24 hours I forgot that politics was a huge reason why. I was literally sitting here trying to figure out what was wrong – was it my brain? My hormones? My body? Then I opened Twitter and remembered – oh, right, it’s the motherfucking patriarchy who wants to kill us all. Don’t let politics gaslight you, friends! If you’re feeling anything like me, have compassion for yourself. We’re doing the best we can in a totally ridiculous situation and it’s normal not to feel normal. Sending lots of love to all of you for the work you do and lots and lots of congratulations and love for all of us for getting through each day right now. Maybe I’m rambling, but I wanted to put something good out into the world! Cheers to each of you.
Heather: This is a very good and important reminder. Thank you.

Hi I just wanted to say that, in the ever-prevailing theme of everyone you’ve ever known being gay, with the advent of the Queer in the … series I’ve seen several people I knew from growing up that have submitted and I’m just excited and happy that they are queer and Autostraddle readers and everyone really is gay.
Yvonne: That’s amazing! I love when people from my past turn out to be queer too!

Ugh! That fuck wad we have sitting in the White House just said he would not “allow or accept” any transgender person to serve in the military.
Heather: I hate him with every single cell that makes up my body.

Thought you’d want to know that one of your Straddlers is a founding member of this group
Laneia: HOT DANG, Y’ALL.

I feel compelled to tell ya’ll that author Dorothy Allison has an Instagram now (@dorothyallisonwriter) and it’s the cutest damned thing ever.
Riese: SHE IS MY FAVORITE THIS IS TOO REAL

I don’t know what Baa is but I’m loving the ad with a sheep wearing sunglasses
Rachel: Same on both counts

What is your favorite cheese Laneia?
Laneia: I see you’ve got a typo here and left the final s off of cheeses, which is fine, we all make mistakes. First, it depends heavily on what I’m drinking with the cheese. I like an herbed goat cheese with rosé, or maybe a plain goat cheese with those fig and olive crackers from Trader Joe’s. And I like a strong brie with fig jam if I’m drinking a super dry red. Am I having a hoppy craft beer? Well then I will take the sharp cheddar (TJ’s Unexpected Cheddar, specifically) with stone ground wheat crackers and tiny bit of fancy mustard, thank you very much. However! The best fucking cheese I’ve ever had in my life is Purple Haze by Cypress Grove — it’s goat cheese with lavender and fennel pollen and not a damn one of us on this earth deserves it, but we STRIVE TO, you know? (This is where I’m morally obligated to tell you that Riese is the only reason I know about this cheese because she brought it to A-Camp for our boxed wine and cheese tasting last year!) In any event, I like a bed of arugula and some thinly sliced apples to accompany pretty much all of these cheeses, because it’s pretty BUT ALSO it’s good for you and clearly, I’m nothing if not health-conscious.

It’s always a nice moment when you actually get the right crew in the Officers’s Mess so that you can have a proper pro “trans people in the military” pile-on when someone says they agree with Trump’s position. Also one of my Lance Corporals called out one of our Privates for a homophobic comment and it made my heart sing just a little.
Rachel: I’m happy you had that! <3

So now to self describe as a Gold Star Lesbian is biphobic, transphobic and slut shamey? Not saying “I only date gold stars” but you can’t even self describe as one?
Heather: Hey we talked about this in detail in our most recent A+ podcast!

where did “i identify as an attack helicopter” come from and why are people so awful
Rachel: I truly don’t know and same, RT

What are some good online writing resources you use or have used in the past? I’m talking about inspiration, writing advice, people talking about their writing process, writing prompts, etc. Can be for fiction or non-fiction.
Rachel: Oh this is a big question! Hm. I suspect everyone would have v different answers to this question; I personally like Rachel McKibbens’ poetry prompts on her website; poet Franny Choi has some prompts and exercises that I can’t find right now but also has this free curriculum on her site — those are technically all about poetry but I feel like poetry exercises can be for anything if you believe in yourself and let go of lineation or form or whatever. I really like formal restriction and experimentation and so I’ve often found things by like Oulipo or the classic Exercises in Style to be useful. There are some Surrealist or Dadaist exercises that might be interesting, too. I love Bernadette Mayer’s “Experiments,” I refer to them constantly all the time. As far as inspiration from other writers or writing process, I feel like I get a lot more out of sort of organic rambling from other writers than I do cut-and-dried explanations of what their writing routine looks like — I love Enormous Eye, seeing the everyday experiences and routines of writers I admire or am interested in feels really educative to me. I’d recommend looking up interviews with your favorite writers or seeing if they have personal journals published anywhere; to me those end up teaching me a lot more about the writing process and philosophy than those infographics or whatever that are like “1200 words by noon with black coffee” or whatever. They aren’t online, which I know is what you asked, but I know a lot of queers who like C.A. Conrad’s writing rituals; everyone loves Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. It sounds like airport pop psych and is also more logistical than ~inspirational~ but I also love and always recommend The 7 Secrets of the Prolific by Hillary Rettig, it’s very practical and warm.

Do other people have suggestions? I love talking about this stuff, pls share in the comments!

Isn’t it inevitable we give historical figures words they wouldn’t recognise if we’re to be polite to them, and sometimes just to describe them? Even when we call them ‘queer’?
Rachel: I think so mostly! I think language is always going to be limited and inexact, it’s part of the catch-22 of verbal communication, and we can acknowledge that the language we use now is also lacking and flawed when we use it to describe past experiences and not claim that we are Right about who historical people were and how they experienced themselves and that they were Wrong. I guess what seems like it’s important is finding ways to draw connections and find shared history between ourselves now and people from a long time ago, and it makes sense that “I’m [identity] and this person from 1542 seems to have had feelings and experiences that are reminiscent of [identity]” seems like a fine and chill way to do that to me!

I find it a weird patriarchal thing that old men are seen as hotter than old women. I’m bi and like pretty ppl and it’s very rare that I look at an older cis guy (25+) and think ‘he’s pretty’ (Bowie managed it) but most cis women & lots of trans ppl of all genders manage it well into their 40s/50s and beyond. (im in my late 20s) I think it’s just cis men’s self promotion. So older ladies & older trans folk, don’t let anyone tell you you’re ugly cos chances are you’re not. Yeah I’m drunk lol.
Riese: Thank you, I think this will be very meaningful for me and all the other ladies out there who feel the cold brush of gravity against their cheeks. But also I agree, I think the mainstream is bananas to think men age well and women don’t? I think queer women realize this. I feel like that’s one of the parts of the patriarchy

I’m getting a cat. What should I name it?
Heather: Neville Longbottom.

Laneia: Kristin Noeline

Tube gymnastics. <3 
Rachel: Fair enough!

Snog marry avoid: siren, tree nymph, gorgon. (Assume they have the same power over women/nb people attracted to them as they do over guys)
Rachel: Marry Gorgon, fuck siren, kill tree nymph! This was a good question I liked it!

Yvonne: Marry siren, fuck tree nymph, and kill gorgon!

Riese: Marry Tree Nymph, Fuck Gorgon, Avoid Siren

riese have you seen the big sick yet??? have so many people been telling you that the leading lady in the film is your long lost twin?! i need to know.
Riese: Last time somebody told me that a person in a movie reminded me of them it turned out to be a movie about Heather Graham being completely batshit insane, so I am VERY nervous about this. But I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that this person has a weak chin, but since she’s in a movie, is also pretty, and be optimistic about it. Remember when everybody thought Alex Vega was my twin when in fact she was my girlfriend?

Hey Autostraddle! Did you know you have some really good anagrams, like “Dared outlast” and “Roasted adult”? (These are not due to me, I used that anagrams website. I was curious, and did not wind up disappointed.)
Heather: ROASTED ADULT!

My boss’ daughter attends UCBerkeley, so this is thirdhand info, but basically— I have head said boss say about 3-4 time (or fifty times , because that’s much she wants me to know she’s in the loop) that avocados are a symbols for non-binary people. The logic is that because they are neither a fruit, nor a vegetable… Fruit semantics aside, have you ever heard such a thing? I ask because I just listened to Kristin Noelene’s interview where she talked about a avocado jewelry workshop at A-Camp and I wondered if there was a connection. Hold my avocado. Thx.
Yvonne: Oh wow, this is new information for me! I think Laura makes avocado jewelry because they’re so cute and such a millennial thing.

On the occasion of its 20th anniversary, I propose that Titanic be recategorized as a classic lesbian love story because 1) DiCaprio was such a cute little baby dyke 2) it ends with a needless death.
Rachel: I’ll see if we can make some calls

Is Dannielle no longer associated with Everyone is Gay? Love seeing all the news and posts with Kristin but wondering what happened to Dannielle.
Riese: Dannielle didn’t want to do it anymore she wanted to do other things but Kristin still wanted to do it, and so she did!

Ugh stupid woman wrote into the radio with an actual letter to say ‘I’m not lgbt what’s my letter and when do I get attention?’ She’s cishet not ace or anything. Try CH and all the time…
Riese: Let’s just give her like, “M” or something. Just let her have it. Here’s your letter, make your own parade, every day is your parade, bye!

As a long time reader it is AMAZING! to see how the comment awards have gotten so popular (again? were they ever this popular?) with QueerGirl!!! Like all the comments on the post every week is so cool!!! It was always funny how the comment awards never got comments but like now its a whole thing and I love it!!
Heather: I love QueerGirl, too, and I am so glad she is thriving handing out those Comment Awards!

How’s this for fanart of Jasper and Rose Quartz? 
Heather: Wwwwwwwooooooooowwwww.

I was reading the In The Heights musical book and noticed that in the credits it lists Heather Hogan as the ASM?!?! Is this true???
Heather: Sadly, not this one. There are so many Heather Hogans in the world. There’s a whole other Heather Hogan who was the voice of Ducky in The Land Before Time! Also one time a Christian mom from Florida emailed me and said she couldn’t have the top search results for “Heather Hogan” going to a lesbian and her lesbian website so would I mind just calling Google and telling them to “unrank” me. So, at least one Heather Hogan out there who voted for Donald Trump.

Transphobic people call trans people perverts but it’s transphobic people who focus on what genitalia someone has as a baby
Laneia: CORRECT.

i was in charlottesville on saturday and now i’m afraid to go outside. sending love.
Rachel: Sending love to you too; hope you and your loved ones are safe today and on all days

Laneia: Love you so so much.

There are new-nazis marching in the streets and buffoon in the White House. Where do we go from here?
Riese: fuck i wish i knew

What does ‘gay icon’ actually mean? Is there a definition? Can cis het people be gay icons? Can children? Can fictional characters who aren’t canonically gay? Can animals? Etc etc.
Riese: Okay here is my question for you, can fictional cis het children and fictional cis het child animals be gay icons? Simmer on that.

Sense8 may find an unlikely savior: porn site xHamster wants to produce season 3, citing their positive stance on non-normative sexuality, and ability to provide all the funding necessary: 
Rachel: it’s a wild world out there

Hello! Re: Charlottesville tragedy—1st, thanks for all the great links and related coverage– 2) How about something AS to commemorate Heather Heyer and others; idk maybe a campership or an award/scholarship or a specially designed pin or T-shirt, could use proceeds to fund campership, etc. After all, this could be beginning of end of ’45’—-we have a dream!
Rachel: this is a sweet idea, thank you for suggesting it!

For yall who do all you can, this is a really wonderful little piece from Kelly Hayes, a queer native writer, organizer, and movement photographer (you’ve had photos of hers on the site). 
Rachel: Thank you so much!

Dominique Provost-Chalkley has a new movie coming out called “Buckout Road”. It’s horror so Heather Hogan probably shouldn’t watch the trailer.
Heather: Oh friend, thank you. I’ll tell Valerie. She friggin loves getting her socks scared off by TV and movies. (Even though it bleeds over into her real life. I have never been with her without her thinking we were getting murdered by someone at some time.)

Just a minor update on the comic anthology We’re Still Here.  With an initial goal of $17k, they ultimately pulled in over $65k. =:D
Heather: So exciting! I met some of the people involved with creating and editing this at NY FlameCon last weekend and they were wonderful and so hyped to bring these stories into the world!

I need a fluffy lesbian TV show that is all rainbows and butterflies and just has ladies loving ladies. I also need five 22-episode seasons instantaneously. Can you create this please? Pretty please?
Heather: Try The Bold Type! And Wynonna Earp! It’s not exactly what you’re describing but as close as we are right now!

Riese: I think the exact thing you’re describing doesn’t exist, but in lieu of that I would suggest, quite honestly, the last season of Ellen’s sitcom from the ’90s, and also Take My Wife, One Mississippi, South of Nowhere, Sugar Rush, Exes and Ohs and/or Faking It.

I just read your recent Pin article and thought ya’ll need to connect to girl pin gang, a collective of around 60 women and gender-queer pin/patch makers 
Rachel: omg amazing

hello can you please tell me I’m not going to regret the $$$ Wonder Woman bowling shirt I ordered at flamecon?
Rachel: You sure aren’t, my friend

I’m suffering from a case of Trump Fatigue exacerbated by a case of Trump poisoning. I can’t stand this administration anymore
Heather: Me too, dear friend. Me too.

just another reminder that you guys are SAVING LIVES!!! been on a digital vacation for a week but the first thing i did after coming back was check on you guys–SO GRATEFUL to have you autostraddle!

Really Nice Things You Told Us

Loving all the Butch/masculine of center content today. Thank you
Heather: We’re so glad you loved it! We loved creating it!

Hey guys, I just wanted to say that the past few weeks (I guess I noticed around the start of July 2017) have really been full of great content! I come to AS almost every day when I want to read but don’t want to pick up a book, and for a while it seemed like the publishing rate died down a bit (totally understandable). Now it really feels like it’s on the up again and the articles are really great and I’m really loving being here. So thank you, love you all, you’re doing great work <3
Riese: Thank you so much! I hope it still feels that way. We ebb and flow, you know. Like the ocean or like a bunch of psychotic queers.

I have a crush on Laneia and I just needed to share. Does she count as a celebrity crush?
Rachel: She does and yes and same

Heather: Yep, also.

Laneia:

kayla’s bisque piece is so so so so so so so so so so extra amazing and gorgeous thank you guys!
Laneia: You are very right and correct in this assertion, yes!!

My scissor-shirt just arrived! On time for tomorrow’s pride here in my lovely city Hamburg! Thank you AS for being so wunderbar
Rachel: Thank YOU you’re the hero here my friend

hey just wanted to pop in here real fast to say I love everything Reneice writes!!! Femme Brulee is an amazing column every single week
Laneia: ? Reneice Fan Club! ?

will you please let reneice known that my best friend/ex made her vegan icebox pie for my birthday and it was delicious? thank you, reneice and autostraddle, for being directly responsible for my delicious birthday dessert! <3
Laneia: Aaaaaahhhhh this is amazing and so great!

I just wanted to let you guys know that you are doing an amazing job, so don’t let the haters get you down. I know it must be hard running a website of this scale with such a small budget, and I know that $4 a month doesn’t help much, but I hope it helps at least a little. Plus when I finish undergrad and then my PhD in Biochemistry I’ll be making bank from Big Pharma, money which I will definitely send your way! I don’t know where I’d be right now if it weren’t for this website. When I first started to question my identity, I turned to the place where everyone turns when they have a question; the internet. And eventually it led me here! You made me feel normal, valid, and connected to the community, and you continue to make me feel that way. I hope that I can one day repay this feeling, but in sweet sweet cash-o’s. Until such time that I can become your Sugar Mommi, I will continue to donate my $4 a month. Keep up the good work!
Rachel: $4 a month helps more than you could ever know, thank you so much! Sugar Mommi is going to be such a good look on you also

Happy birthday Rachel! All the best today and always!
Rachel: This is sweet! All the best to YOU my secret anonymous friend.

I was just thinking last night of the open thread for bisexual women dating men and how much it helped me and still helps me so thank you for that and for everything you guys do every day, it really makes a difference, and I hope you are staying hydrated and looking at cute dog/cat videos on youtube. <333
Rachel: Oh this is so affirming and sweet, thank you angel! I’ve been watching a lot of Little Mix videos on youtube which is also pretty solid, I recommend it. Hope you’re taking care bb

Also thank you for introducing me to Faith Choyce’s work. Its really hard for me to find stand up I like and I really like her work!
Laneia: ? Faith Fan Club! ?

This is late, but I was the person who requested the career path article and I wanted to say THANK YOU SO MUCH! That article was incredible and so so much more than I expected or anticipated. I love getting to hear more about my favorite writers and their lives. I especially also love AM/PM because I am nosy as fuck.
Heather: You’re so welcome! That was a really fun roundtable! (I also love AM/PM.)

Laneia: Obsessed with AM/PM.

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