Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a ot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as many as we can. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

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WHERE’S MY QUESTION????

If your question isn’t here, that’s because:

1. It’s going to be answered or was answered on the A+ podcast
2. It’s a question that has already been asked and answered in previous editions of this column
3. It’s a question we don’t know the answer to / don’t know how to answer
4. It’s an advice question that we’ll be publishing / have published in an advice-focused post for A+ readers
5. It’s a question better answered via direct e-mail, which means we have emailed you about it, or will.

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ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

hi my girlfriend and i bought and used a strap-on last night (a first for both of us) and it was really fun and silly and hot and the look in my girlfriend’s eyes when she saw me wearing it made me feel like i was weightless
Riese: Okay, first I read this as “my girlfriend and i bought a used strap-on last night” and I was like, omg, A USED STRAP-ON?? Which I guess is not the most unusual thing in the world, really. Anyhow I’m very happy for you that you discovered the transformative power of a strap-on that many people experience from such a thing and I hope you and your girlfriend have had many lovely nights together!

Friends, I had a remarkably elaborate dream in which I was having a secret affair with Hillary Clinton and we were deeply in love, and it has been haunting me all morning. In the dream, she was campaigning for something unclear, and I was traveling with her entourage pretending to be the manager of her twitter account, which is ironic because I don’t use twitter. There were smoldering glances and sweet words whispered in hushed tones! I woke with a deep sense of sadness upon realizing that I am still single and Hillary Clinton is off somewhere not having a passionate affair with me.
Riese: Sometimes the life we live in our dreams is more vivid and real and resonant and authentic than the life we live in our lives, you know?

hey friends I didn’t fall asleep until 6 am and had to get up at 8 am and one of the symptoms of not getting any sleep is you have to tell everyone you’ve ever met and their mothers so hi this is your morning PSA about my life. love you guys
Riese: LOVE YOU TOO!!!!!

I’m mad and I don’t know where to put it where do you put it I’m mad
Riese: here

Ok, I’ve got one: my favorite singer, Béatrice Martin aka Coeur de Pirate, came out last June and before I could say Laura Jane Grace, she and CdP had broken up. Nothing in English or French, nothing I can find written online, explains wtf happened. Since I would dearly have loved for her girlfriend to be a trans woman, too, I want to know, wtf? Can you help? Thx, Kiva
Stef:  So! Laura and Beatrice were dating and it was SUPER CUTE and lovely to see this very public relationship warm our hearts – they were so gooey over each other! And then without notice it just kind of ended. I wasn’t really sure what went down until I read this article in Rolling Stone in September:

_Sometimes – today, for example – she wonders the same thing. For the past six months, she’s been in a satisfying relationship with a Quebecoise singer named Béatrice Martin, better known as Coeur de Pirate. But since sending an early copy of her memoir to Heather two weeks ago, the lines of communication have been open in a way they haven’t been for years. “She called me a narcissist, but it’s cool,” says Grace. “Writing your memoir is inherently narcissistic.” Now, Grace wonders if she should end things with Martin and try to piece things back together with Heather, however improbable that may be._

No clue where Laura and (her ex-wife and mother of her daughter) Heather are these days (Instagram tells me… not together), but it sure looks like Laura got a Beatrice tattoo after less than a year of dating, so.

Share the queer films made by samuel shanahoy! The newest one is a queer coming of age film “So Long Suburbia”
Heather: I’ll look into getting that reviewed on our website page! Thank you for the tip!

Seen: MONTREAL, there is a new feminist bookstore. It’s at 1426 Beaudry. Basically steps from Beaudry metro. Go there and buy stuff so they can stay in business longer than a lesbian bar.
Riese: TAKE NOTE CANADIANS

I’m a queer woman and I sometimes feel like I’m jealous of gay men, and I don’t understand why. I like good media depictions of LGBT relationships in general, but my girlfriend thinks it’s bad that I like shows that focus on male relationships so much.
Riese: Well, you should probably watch whichever shows you want to. I watched Queer as Folk like hard addictive candy and with incredible passion five years before I bothered watching Buffy. There are way more depictions of gay men in LGBT media, so good ones are easier to find, and it’s not like another planet altogether, as many of our struggles overlap and are relatable. Also I feel like gay male characters consistently end up existing on shows that are better, quality-wise, than the ones with gay female characters. But maybe your girlfriend just wants you to care about her shows! Or maybe, and I’m suggesting this ’cause you said you sometimes feel like you might be “jealous” of gay men — you’re struggling with internalized misogyny and she has picked up on that? For the record, I totally get it. When I was in high school, before I knew I was a gay lady, I wanted to be a gay man. They were attractive and well-dressed and hilarious and captivating and I was none of those things, and the popular image of lesbians was not quite so flattering. Plus like… the patriarchy!

I’m watching Drumpf’s press conference and I’m scared.
Riese: Yes I found it terrifying from start to finish. I usually avoid horror movies but nobody warned me.

hi it’s the day of Trump’s press conference and the day after Obama’s exit speech and I am preparing for TWO audits at work but just now I closed my door to cry in fear and exhaustion because like I get that we’ve always been racist imperialists in this country and that government is never as stable we feel like it is, but now even the stuff we’ve had is being burned to the ground and I’m really scared and really exhausted and I feel like I should’ve been working harder or like burying gold bars in my back garden for the last eight years of relative security or SOMETHING. And I need a consensual internet group hug. Can I have a hug please?
Heather:

I just read through all of your “Some Questions You’ve Been Asking Us #11” for two hours at my desk at work (I know I am a great employee) and I loved it. I tend to miss a lot of article on sites because I go in waves of how often I check it, or I get distracted so it was a great way to check out articles I hadn’t read yet. I wanted to comment on the Eating Disorder question and response, because it really spoke to me. I am someone who has struggled with an eating disorder for almost 10 years and I thought that dialogue was very powerful to me to see the way different people view the disorder. I am someone who sees my disorder more like Riese, but I understand people who view it like the writer, and it made me feel empowered that know that there is not just one way to handle the situation. So thank you again!
Riese: YOU’RE VERY WELCOME!

I don’t know if you guys came up with “You Do You,” I get that it’s three very generic words strung together, but I have always attributed it to you. That’s why I have been planning on my next tattoo being YDY in the triangle. I almost got it today in a fit of anger at the world, but decided that spring A-camp was more important to me right now. However, I don’t know if I’ll be able to save up the money for A-camp in time, but I can afford a small black outline tattoo. Decisions are hard.
Riese: I think you should come to A-Camp! Then afterwards you can go get your tattoo. That would be my advice. Also “You Do You” was something Marni used to say to me and Laneia all the time, and then we started saying it all the time, and then it became a thing on this website forever and ever and ever!

I was just on FB and an ad came up with the stock photo of an avocado wrapped in a rainbow flag and I first saw that in a roundup of rainbow stock photos on Autostraddle dot com so I just wanted to share that with you. Fond memories. Also, the ad that is using this pic has nothing to do with rainbows, LGBT people OR avocados.
Riese: I hope it was about why Brittani isn’t a hipster

Trump is a loooooooooooser
Riese: this is fake news

I don’t want efficient meritocracy within a class-stratified society. I want equality. Sometimes it feels like we’ve forgotten that we don’t just want queer, POC, trans, women’s faces in high places within the vertiginously unequal and violent structures of global capitalism, we want to destroy global capitalism and create equality and liberty for all humans. Love u Autostraddle let’s give them hell so we can build heaven on earth together xoxoxo
Riese: Yes as a socialist I agree with you wholeheartedly, and I think that conflict is a central one in queer and feminist activism — whether the goal is to assimilate into the system and obtain its powers, or create our own system independent of the mainstream, or to overthrow and rebuild the system for everyone. I think we’ve all been feeling really sad and overwhelmed by the world lately but we’re trying to pull our bootstraps back on and GIVE THEM HELL SO WE CAN BUILD HEAVEN ON EARTH TOGETHER.

I was real sad that comments were closed on “Fool’s Journey: Create Your Own Tarot Spread” because I made a great one for International Women’s Day today :( How long do you keep comments open and why do you close them? Also, look at my awesome spread!:
Riese: I’M SORRY! I guess it was decided WITHOUT ME that we should close comments at posts older than 730 days so that people would stop yelling at laneia about leaving her husband and at mari about the biology behind transgender human beings and also there was a lot of spambots plaguing old posts. YOUR SPREAD LOOKS GREAT

I got rejected from grad school, I have no plans, I made no back up plan. It feels like everything, all opportunity, just collapsed on top of me. I don’t know what to do.
Yvonne: As hard as it is to believe right now, everything will be ok. You’ll find something else to do and put your energies towards. There’ll be a plan B or C or D. It’s ok to take some time to figure out what those plans will look like. In the meantime, take some deep breaths and continue to build your resume and stuff like that or just eat some cereal.

HELLO I JUST HAVE TO SHARE THAT I JUST GOT BACK FROM PROTESTING AT SFO AND I AM ALL KEYED UP AND A;SLJFKDJSLA;LSKDF. I had to make a serious effort not to start bawling the first time I heard them chant “Say it loud, say it clear, immigrants are welcome here,” because I am the child of an immigrant and so are both my parents and my Jewish grandmother came to the U.S. from Poland in 1920 and I could so easily have never been born. And some of the airport staff came out to watch us and looked really happy to see us, and this white dude waiting for his flight beamed at us and applauded our protest, and a mother and a little girl went around handing out chocolate to the protesters, and another little girl had a protest sign she’d clearly made herself that said “Let’s help people,” and so many things are horrifying and awful but a few things are still kind of beautiful.
Yvonne: YES! Remember this when you’re feeling really down about the horrible onslaught of news. Remember the good things.

So, the role of Doctor Who is up for grabs again.. and as Missy’s proven Time Lords don’t have to maintain the same gender through regenerations, perhaps we’ll see the first female Doctor? Who would you nominate? (Beyond Joanna Lumley, who goes without saying) If I were in charge, I’d be so tempted to invite Lori Petty..
Heather: Easy: Ruby Tandoh.

Are you all watching Kristen Stewart on SNL tonight, please say yes. The fact that I heard about it from my mom and not from Autostraddle is astonishing but she knows me so well, and I’ve been reborn.
Heather: You know we did.

Why is it so hard to take care of yourself sometimes? It’s like I can feel the roots of the patriarchy in my depression whispering silently “you don’t matter, you don’t belong here, you might as well not try to survive, kill yourself slowly, don’t drink water, don’t eat”– AND I THINK THAT THIS IS ALL ROOTED IN PATRIARCHY— I forced myself to eat a sandwich earlier and I was like “WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT!” I like to think by eating a sandwich I am being a part of the resistance. Queer self care is so so hard
Laneia: YOU ARE CORRECT every single thing you do to stay alive and healthy and inspired and loved IS RESISTANCE. The patriarchy ruins every damn thing, because the patriarchy is a toxic sludge that only aims to lift up one very specific kind of person to the detriment of every other type of person. The success of those motherfuckers literally depends on your demise. By extracting yourself from that food chain — by caring for yourself — over and over and over again, you’re taking away some their fuel. You’re making their foundation of sludge a little shakier, a little weaker, and I fucking love you for it. We’re on a planet that happens to be this exact distance from the sun and is therefore able to sustain life in a trillion different forms, and therefore sustain us us, and therefore you, and that’s an outrageous miracle of the damn universe. You’re an outrageous miracle! I am so fucking glad you ate a sandwich!

i have to put my sweet 16yo dog to sleep tomorrow and i am going to miss him so much i am not even sure what to do with myself? it made me think about heather’s margaret. how is margaret? also dogs are too good for this world.
Yvonne: This makes me so sad! Dog’s make this world so much better. I’m sure your dog gave you so many fun and sweet memories. I’m sorry for your loss, friend.

Heather: My dear friend, I am so very sorry for your loss. Margaret went to heaven two weeks ago and losing her was one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life. I feel crushed under the grief of it every day. You must be feeling the same way. 16 years! That’s such a good, long dog life! Margaret was 15. 15 wonderful years putting nothing but love and joy and goodness into this world. Truly the most perfect creature. A real life Patronus. I’ll be thinking of you and holding you in my heart.

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A-CAMP, MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

Could there be a “Report Comment” button for posts by non-members (or all members)? The trolls from reddit or wherever don’t have an easy “Report User” option since they’re not “users”, but I’d like to be able to quickly alert you guys to douchebags without emailing (cuz I’m lazy) or replying to their post (cuz they don’t deserve it and I don’t want to encourage any responses). Even a basic “Moderators please remove this comment” seems like more attention than I’d like to give them.
Yvonne: You can direct message Alaina through the site, their username is @alarae!

Hi! I am a recent grad hired to overhaul my university’s small LGBT library. I’m getting plenty of new titles, which is exciting, and I’m using the expertise of many AS book writers, which is a testament to this website. This is going to translate into a very large Amazon purchase, and I would like to use your affiliate links to compensate you. However, I have no idea how to do it right?? I tried using affiliate links once or twice and I have no idea if it worked (when I changed pages, bought another product, idk). Could you help me make sure I get it right and you guys get a cut of the profit? Thanks!
Riese: I don’t know that there is a way to verify that it worked, but if you are making your purchases through a link from Autostraddle (it’ll have “autowin-20” in the URL if it’s right) then it should work! Thank you for thinking of us and supporting us!

I’m so sad that A-camp is going to be in Wisconsin this year!! I grew up/currently live in the midwest and have been so distraught about not being able to make it to california for A-camp. Now I’m moving to Cali in the spring and can’t make it back to the midwest for this year’s :( :( :( Will it ever be in Cali again??? Please say yes <3
Riese: omg

Hi! Just wondering if you will ever bring back the grey scissoring sweatshirt to the store? Specifically Size XS? If not I will just buy all the other merch anyway. And if you bring out any more sweatshirts in general I will certainly buy them all up! Love you guys. x
Riese: No, that was our last run!

I’ve been having the worst time with the customer service dept at Hello Merch :( :( :( I’m just trying to get a shirt that reflects my gender identity, y’all! Now I feel discouraged from ever buying merch again because these ppl are a nightmare UGH
Sarah: Oh no! I’m sorry you’ve been having a time. Email me at sarah[at]autostraddle[dot]com and let me know what’s been going on. I got cho back.

So it’s fucking cold here in New England and I was wondering if there is a chance of some AS beanies/toques/winter hat situations? Maybe a beanie with a scissor patch? Or and A+ patch? Or with galpal patch?
Sarah: Are you a witch? Riese and I talked about making that exact beanie (scissor patch beanie O_o) so your spell worked! Scissoring beanies will be in the merch store next winter. Stay warm xoxo

ok ok I know the font thing was like a DEAL a bit ago but this is just me checking in with you to check in on my mental state! Did the font change?! like in the comments specifically? or like overall?! AM I OKAY?!???
Heather: It changed a long time ago! We did change the comment upvote plugin so the thumbs up looks a little different. Is that what’s throwing you?

When will the re-camps be posted? I thought it was gonna happen before the camp sign up
Riese: Unfortunately they will probably never be posted, and I am very sorry for that! For years I’ve tried different systems of support to get them done, w/r/t what interns do for me and what I take on myself, and regardless of the system, putting them together ends up taking me about three days per recap, which adds up to two weeks of my life, and nobody else can do them the way I want them done! We realize these were a huge asset to camp and for campers, but I hope you agree that my talents are probably better applied to writing my own words rather than editing and arranging the input of 50 DIFFERENT AUTHORS (that’s so many!) and finding all the right photos etc etc? We’ve tried doing them less “in-depth” but then the staff submits such in-depth reports regardless that it ends up being the same damn amount of work. Each recap runs between 10k-20k words. I’m brainstorming ways to recap the experience in a way that feels good to people but doesn’t consume all of my time! Maybe we just need a full-time CAMP REPORTER.

Hey folks, I think you get this question real regularly, so I’m very sorry. I’m currently a gold A+ supporter, and was wondering whether it were possible for there to be a higher monthly contribution amount so I can donate more? I think in the past, you folks have said you’d thought about it but couldn’t think of more things to make/do to warrant higher tiers. But I just want to donate more dollars. Is there a way there could be a platinum level where you could just choose to donate a monthly amount that is greater than the gold amount? Like how other monthly donor programs have suggested levels and then an option where you write a figure in yourselves? I just love your work so much and it is so important to me and in the first week of Trump I think I’m going to need you even more than ever.
Riese: Yes this was a thing we wanted to do but the program we use doesn’t offer an option to have you pick your own donation amount. :-/ I asked Cee about higher donation levels back in the day and they said it would make more sense just to direct people who want to donate more to the paypal donate button but that I can create a higher level if I want to which I will do soon. I VERY MUCH APPRECIATE YOU FOR WANTING TO GIVE US MORE MONEY!  Here is a way to subscribe to Autostraddle with a monthly recurring donation:

5 dollars : $5.00 USD – monthly10 dollars : $10.00 USD – monthly15 dollars : $15.00 USD – monthly20 dollars : $20.00 USD – monthly25 dollars : $25.00 USD – monthly50 dollars : $50.00 USD – monthly100 dollars : $100.00 USD – monthly200 dollars : $200.00 USD – monthly

reading the FOT and al (@needlesandpin) mentioned wearing their “they/them” pin at a club and how nice it would be if it glowed in the dark so people would be more likely to notice at low light events. i thought that was an awesome sounding idea, so passing it on!
Sarah: This IS an awesome idea! I just reordered the They/Them pins, but once we’re out we should totally release a glow-in-the-dark version!

This box never shows up for me on my phone unless I request desktop mode. Is this a known issue? Can it be fixed? You are the best. Thanks
Riese: It’s there, you just have to scroll down because the sidebar exists below the posts instead of next to the posts on mobile.

Hey team, am I in trouble or something? My comments aren’t showing up at all, regardless of which computer I’m using.
Riese: I don’t see your comments in the moderation queue so I hope this all got resolved!

Hi! For the past couple weeks I’ve noticed that sometimes when I right click on an external link in an article to open in a new tab, it will open a new tab and then the tab will close itself. I’m using Chrome, and it doesn’t happen for every link, but it’s happened enough on AS (and not on any other site) that I wanted to let you know.
Cee: Does this happen for you in a different browser? If so, send us a tech support request via the contact form.

Beautiful AS team, why do I not get email notifications when someone replies to a comment I’ve made? I have to keep going and checking because I don’t want to miss things!
Cee: Check your spam inbox perhaps? They should be coming through.

Hello wonderful people, Could we perhaps have a post, or maybe a line in the comments disclaimer, with some guidance on how to go about reporting racist/transphobic/etc. comments made by anonymous users? Is there someone specific we should @ so that the requests to remove get seen by a mod? I know A+ members can use this very contact box but of course that doesn’t work for everyone. Lately I’ve been seeing a fair number of very shitty comments being left up after multiple people requested that mods take them down, so I think it would be very helpful if there were some sort of clear direction from the AS team on what we should do in the cases when there’s no “report user” button. Thanks so much.
Yvonne: Thanks for pointing this out! Unfortunately, we don’t have a dedicated team to monitor comments so leaving comments asking for mods to remove harmful/hateful comments will not alert someone to remove them. Alaina is our go-to for moderation (but they’re also in grad school so aren’t always on call.) The best way to alert us to a horrible comment is by direct messaging Alaina through the site, their username is @alarae.

Is there a chance for Root (Person of Interest) in Dead Lesbian Society pin pack in the future?
Riese: I think this is a good idea that could definitely happen!

Why are some (show replies) now opening upward??? not all of them but some of them? Its really disorienting!!!
Riese: This shouldn’t be happening have you checked to see if maybe YOU are upside-down? Try turning your head upside-down or hanging yourself from the ceiling or dangling off a suspension bridge while reading autostraddle. Then empty your cache and hit me up.

Do photos work in here? This shirt Abbi is wearing made me think of Autostraddle.  I need that shirt but with the AS circle and triangle instead:

Just the circle and the A and the S on a nice gray muscle shirt or tank top. Not a big fan of words on my shirts if I can just have shapes and letters. What do you think?
Sarah: I think you aren’t alone! In fact, resident Australian Crystal is also a fan of simple tees and has asked for your particular idea on more than one occasion. This will be a thing! Maybe even on a summer thing! How do you feel about small things on pockets?

Why can’t I see what name to use to @-reply / tag a member in the comments when I go to their member page? I’m on my mobile phone and I use Android Firefox and I can’t tag people because I don’t know their username
Cee: People’s usernames are on their profiles already. For example, if you go to my profile, you’ll see @vitamincee next to my photo. Also, if you hover over someone’s name in comments, it’ll show the URL, and the username is the last part of the URL.

I miss the NSFW Sunday pictures coming from different sources. Has there been a decision that everything will be from CrashPad from now on? I love CrashPad pictures in the mix, but not as the only source. If there has been a decision of this kind, I suggest reversing it, because the post will lose a lot of its readers.
Riese: Back in the day when I invented the NSFW Sunday, I decided to do images a certain way, which was fine then because we were smaller then and also using tumblr images on blog posts was a pretty normalized thing that everybody was doing and we didn’t think about it too much. We used a LOT of images we shouldn’t have, probably. And I made a ton of rules about diversity of images — high-res, a mixture of masculine and feminine folks, at least two fat women, at least 50% poc, at least one couple, etc etc — and I spent often 5-6 hours on Saturday nights or Sunday mornings tracking down the perfect blend for you. A lot of the posts that used to be a certain way were that way because I did them, and I was willing to spend entire days making things perfect because this website is my entire life and it was all I did at the expense of my health, sanity, friendships, relationships, etc. Even if my “hourly wage” for doing the work was essentially zero, it still contributed to the growth of the site that I hoped would one day earn more than that. Now I pay someone else to do them, and she has to think about how much time that money is worth. Also we’re bigger now, our stuff reaches a wider audience through social media than it used to. Carolyn no longer feels our old method is appropriate for this new world, and on that note, here she is!

Carolyn:  NSFW Sundays now feature only visuals that are used with permission. To make this a remotely possible task, they also now highlight a single source – photographer, model, company, etc. Continuing on with curated tumblr psuedo-smut was not ethical and was definitely not sustainable, from the perspective of the internet in 2017, or the type of content I want to see as an editor or have my name on as a writer, or frankly how many hours there are in a day (bc RIP tumblr).

Crash Pad is a long-time Autostraddle affiliate and its library has been a fantastic resource and I continue to seek other sources and answers with all the free time I don’t have.

If you have a suggestion for someone/something you would like to see featured, email me at carolyn at autostraddle dot com.

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HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION / ARTICLE IDEAS

You’ve written articles about finances, specifically finances for couples, but could you share with us case studies of how you do finances? I feel like I have a vague sense of how to be Good with Money, but specifics of what banks, what budgets, what long-term savings, etc. is hard to piece together. Could you give a holistic overview of what you (any financially-savvy AS editors/writers) do with your money, how you save and budget and plan and share accounts with partners? Thank you so much!
Laneia: There’s a similar request down the page a bit and I will say that I, too, would enjoy this kind of post.

please could you publish some personal essays that deal with queerplatonic relationships? im reading up on them right now and there’s nothing decent, but im really interested in the whole concept and feel like other gays might be too? (thank u <3)
Riese: Yes I would love a feature article on this topic that incorporated theory/history and also interviews with people in these types of relationships, kind of like this piece for Buzzfeed but for this topic.

I am slowly but surely making my way through all of the episodes of the podcast Another Round and I love it. During episode 38, Heben sorta casually drops in there something about being in a dungeon on “queer night” and having “just come out” to one of her friends. Is she gay/bi/queer?! I’m not finding anything to clarify online. Can Autostraddle verify?? I would love to see her interviewed. She is rad as hell.
Rachel: We went through almost this exact process as a family in Slack and it was determined that, I think according to Alaina, “she addressed it in some of the earlier episodes of the podcast — like, talked about being queer and having immigrant parents.” Rejoice! A blessing upon us all!

How come there were never any posts about A-Camp 7.5? I know that the re-camps were discontinued, but pictures were never posted or anything!
Riese: Well, firstly the photographers didn’t get their stuff to us for quite some time, and then I was going through the worst breakup of all time and could not emotionally handle looking at the pictures because of what happened just after camp (yes, I realize this happened to me after A-Camp 2014 too but this was like ten billion times worse and don’t worry I’m in therapy everything is gonna be fine I am making very emotionally responsible life decisions now), and then Donald Trump won the election and I was in an Untenable State but maybe I can throw something together soon? We have put pics on the A-Camp website though!

OK, what is happening to comments? Is this what 2017 is going to be like? I’m getting tired and disillusioned already, and not only by the comments made from guest accounts but also by some from the community and the staff. I’m missing respect and consideration for each other. This made this space always so special (to me at least). I’m writing this not only to get it off my chest but also because I was wondering what you and we can do – will this go back to normal on its own, in your experience? Or could maybe a Round Table help where people tell about their needs and visions for dialogue? I know we’ve got a netiquette but to me it’s more about nuances, and I feel like what people see as respectful exchange differs. It would be interesting to talk about it, and maybe help reshape the sense of community, like you did with comment week a couple years ago?? Maybe that’s a horrible idea where everyone would only scream at each other, and trolls would take over, and everything will be blown out of proportion. Just feeling helpless and wondering what could be done to get this warm, fuzzy AS feeling back! Still loving your work and this space!
Laneia: This is something we’ve been grappling with in some form or another since sometime around 2010, actually, and it just keeps being more and more pronounced and grapply every year. Right now we’re working on a reimagined manifesto of sorts that will help guide how we — the staff — engage and communicate with the rest of the community, hopefully in a way that will help make us all better people. Wheeee! Should be a piece of cake.

Riese: Firstly I think that things are not as bad as you say they are, it’s just a few posts where things get out of control, which as Laneia said, isn’t unusual. Regardless, I’m trying to write a thing about this thing — I think there are a lot of things happening. Some of it is that we are all anxious and upset about the world and people seem to be extra committed to in-fighting and nit-picking right now and unloading all of our unprocessed trauma and anxiety on each other. The other thing is that since the effective shuttering of AfterEllen, the popular perception of Autostraddle seems to have changed — people are wanting a lot more from us, being a lot less patient, and also treating us like we’re this big powerful website entity when WE STILL ARE ACTUALLY NOT. We’re being asked to do SO MUCH, even more than we were already asked to do, which was already more than we can afford! People are talking about us like we are Jezebel or something… people still seem flabbergasted and furious when we make mistakes, as if we haven’t always made mistakes and probably will continue to? That’s part of the process! We’ve gotten a lot of new readers who used to be AE readers who are incredible and I’m so happy to have them in our community… and we’ve also gotten some new hate-readers who are mad at us for surviving when AE failed, or who have always hated us but feel better about it now that we are perceived as powerful. But AE is kinda back, so? I don’t know.

Would one of you wonderful ‘Straddler writers (maybe Erin?) be interested in writing a listicle-type piece about queer/femme long hairstyles? I’m a long-haired-blonde-femme who has had short hairstyles multiple times over the course of my life (from classy bowl cut to peach fuzz) and, while I love my locks, I’m getting kind of bored. I mention the previously-obtained short haircuts b/c the only queer, long hairstyle I can think of to rock is a cool undercut, but every time I think of the maintenance and/or growing out phase I decide I can’t go there. What’s a femme to do? Highlights? Dip dye? Asymmetrical? I need inspiration, so I came to the best place on the internet to ask…! <3
Riese: I love it when somebody asks us to write an article that i put on a list of “articles somebody needs to write” at our Shakedown LAST JULY but yet nobody has written yet. I’M FINE.

Laneia: This does seem like an Erin post, doesn’t it?

I always come to work Monday morning and read autostraddle. It pains me that I can’t open the NSFW Sunday, mostly because of the images. (I still do it sometimes) I guess I can just use my phone instead of the large screen everyone can see, but I wish there was a way to not see images on that post (even though they are a greeaaat part of it :D ) I don’t expect you to change anything, I just wanted to share my pain. Keep on doing what you do!
Riese: Actually I think in Safari you can just go to Develop and then go to “disable images,” or there are extensions you can download for chrome or firefox that disable images from loading!

So I just read (/cried through / nodded heartily while reading) this piece from Sara Ahmed about queer grieving and fatalism and I know AS has written about grief often, but I’m here to request more I guess? I know that 2016 was full of big enormous endings and heartbreaks and deaths and losses for SO MANY of us (all of us, really, even if it wasn’t a personal loss), and 2017 will hopefully be a year that is defined by resilience and fighting and surviving that grief, and I could really use some autostraddle wisdom here to make it through this year. Maybe, like, a grief roundtable? Also a witch hunt focusing on grief maybe? Love you thank you you all are the best.
Laneia: You can never have too much grief coverage, it’s true. I like the angle you’ve got here and will endeavor to wizard it or something like it into existence.

Riese: This is weird because I was interviewing Sarah Schulman today and she also mentioned Sara Ahmed to me! IT’S A SIGN.

I may be remembering incorrectly or just wishful thinking, but was someone going to do a season-end recap of Queen Sugar? Nova was a great character and I’d love to hear someone at Autostraddle’s take on it. Did I miss it? Thanks!
Riese: Yeah we had a writer who was supposed to do it and it never was turned in and we are like, very upset about this too! BUT we have two people who volunteered to write about Queen Sugar today this very day and we are going to do something about that!

More bisexual content, please? The bi identity section hasn’t had anything new added for 5 months :( Can’t believe it’s been almost 2 years since the bi-women-dating-men open thread! Maybe time for more on that topic?
Riese: You know what’s funny is there is a huge chunk of the internet who is convinced that we hate lesbians (which’d be an amazing feat for a senior staff consisting of five lesbians and one bisexual) and are really a site for straight women and bisexuals, and part of the evidence that they present is that ONCE, one time, ONE TIME, we did a thread about bisexual girls with boyfriends. ONCE! I don’t know that we need to revisit that topic specifically, but I think there are definitely others worth tackling. Your needs/interests have been passed on to the Head Bisexual in Charge, Rachel, and also the reason it looks like we’ve said nothing in five months is a tagging problem, which we will fix!

Hey Mey! This is especially for you. I would LOVE to read about Harley Quinn and Posion Ivy, but I have no idea where to start. Could you help me out? Please and THANK YOU!

Mey: I think the best places to start are in Paul Dini and Bruce Timm’s comics, they’re based in the world of Batman: The Animated Series, where Harley was invented, and they’re fun. Also I’d read Marguerite Bennett’s DC Comics Bombshells, which is an alternate universe, but has more Harley and Ivy romance than any place else. You can also check out Gotham City Sirens, which is about Harley, Ivy and Catwoman teaming up, although your mileage may vary on that series. It was in the current series, written by Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner that DC finally confirmed that they’re a couple, so you might want to check that out. Also there’s a one shot called “Batgirl Adventures” written by Dini where these panels happen.

Can you write more articles about how to take care of yourself in grad school? I am failing at it.
Laneia: I’ll talk to some people I know.

I’m wondering if Autostraddle could do an Open Thread or some other post that would invite discussion/brain storming on something I’ve been thinking and worrying about. I’d like to come up with a simple, elegant theme for those of us working en masse to oppose Trump. And that’s just it. I don’t thinks its a good idea to be only oppositional, to only fight Trump and his agenda. We need a theme or name that we can rally around as a positive projection of what we stand for. The Tea Party started out as an acronym for Taxed Enough Already. But it also conjured up patriotism and the founding of our country. As much as I disagree with them, it’s a great name. Here in Louisville, back in the late ’90s a group of LGBT activists got together to fight to have sexual orientation added as a protected class to the city’s anti-discrimination ordinances. They called themselves the Fairness Campaign. Great name. Hard to be against fairness. I don’t have much of a social media presence. In fact I hardly use it. So, I plan to pose this question on as many sites as I can. I’ve signed up to get action notices from several organizations and I’m hoping some have an opportunity to provide comments such as this. I think it’s an important strategic move to find an inspiring, robust name that can bring us all together for a positive agenda for the future, as we also fight like hell against Trump.
Laneia: This reminds me of the documentary on Green Peace that’s on Netflix right now — lots of men and stories about men to wade through, but not a bad documentary. ANYWAY yes a good name goes a long way! I don’t have any brilliant ideas to offer but I do agree that branding and an agenda is important.

Laneia! I love your queer in the kitchen and have an idea for another month (if you haven’t thought of this already): queer transit! Pictures of your primary mode of transit – bicycle, car, bus, walking, etc. I think that would be super cool :). Also, queer front doors
Laneia: Yes! I had “Queer on the Go??” written on my list, which was going to include all of these modes of transit, so you and I are really on the same page here. Queer front doors! I love any opportunity to fuck with the American Gothic ideal. Keep the suggestions coming!

Hey Autostraddle! It sounds like you have more financial planning-related articles coming down the pipe at some point, but I think it would be cool to do little profiles of how queer people and queer couples do money. Like, the different styles, strategies, priorities, tools, etc. people use. Kind of like the article KaeLyn wrote awhile ago (something about how couples do money), but with personal anecdotes from Autostraddle readers or other cool queers. Just a thought. Keep being awesome!
Riese: Ugh yes I have wanted something like this for so long! Basically like “how [x] does money” (like they do on the billfold) but for couples. Probably my enthusiasm has waned now that I’m no longer in a couple struggling to “do money” right, but I even seem to recall making a google doc about this dream… hm.

Apparently my way of dealing with the world as it is right now is to dress as GAY GAY GAY as possible (at least when not at work, where I just dress lowercase gay) & I’ve spend the weekend trying & failing to find a queer or at least feminist *zip* hoodie. Zip being key. Like, I own 3 A-Camp hoodies without ever attending A-Camp; I have the pullover situation sorted, but if anyone can point me in the direction of excellent queer (or at this point even just feminist) zip hoodies, or promise me such a glorious thing is on its way to the Autostraddle store, I would be most appreciative.
Laneia: Just two nights ago I said, out loud and to no one in particular, “Damn I wish I had a zip-up hoodie!” My wife has one that I could steal but I want my own, my very own. You know what else I want? A camouflage jacket. And to be able to spell camouflage without spellcheck. Maybe one of our writers would like to put together a shopping guide for spring outwear that you can put on and take off without fucking up your hair.

I was wondering about the heroin/opiate addiction issue and how the queer community is responding. Also, how are we being treated by the agencies, rehab, etc. vs. straight addicts? Could be first person essays, links to existing articles or both. PS Really loved all the protest photos!
Laneia: Fuck this is a good idea. I hope no one from another website is reading this.

what do we do to protect trans kids?! how can we help? who do i call? ahhhhh i’m so upset. how dare he.
Heather: Start here with 24 Actions You NEED to Take to Help Trans Women of Color Survive. Stay informed, make sure other people are informed, protest, write letters, follow trans women who have been doing the work for years and years, follow them and follow their lead. And, as Mey Rude always says: If you want to support trans women, give them money. Support their projects, their art, their GoFundMe and Patreons, the websites that prioritize and pay them. (If you make a donation to A-Camp or Autostraddle specifically for trans women, it will go to trans women.)

OK, my own ‘also.also. also.’ 1)I really love the warm ‘safe space’ sweater & looking fwd to wearing my blue ‘u do u’ t shirt in warmer weather. how bout more colors? I want an AS wardrobe in all the colors! 2)the post about AS finances, etc. was really informative since its getting to be tax season (US) maybe have a special appeal to donate from your tax refund, u could explain how it would be spent? 3) there r already groups & meet ups, but what about classified ads for AS members? like if someone’s biz needs to fill a certain job or somebody’s looking 4 a roommate , could even be to buy or sell smthg, we could give each other 1st dibs ads could be free or charge for em—–OK, that’s all now, keep up the resistance!
Riese: these are all great ideas and questions SO re: 3) Yes this is a thing I have wanted and asked for since 2009! But we don’t currently have the staff or time to make it happen but damn I wish we did. re: 2) i feel like we have explained where donated money goes a lot (to paying people to write things)! but i like the idea of a tax season push…. 1) we will consider this!

Just came here to say that ya’ll have a lot of good content right now and I LOVE the “queer in the ___” series you have going on! I hope you’ll do a pets one soon. Other suggestions are: queer in the park, queer in the indie bookstore, queer out and about.
Yvonne: Laneia has done an amazing job with the series! It’s my favorite. I like this ideas too.

Laneia: I LOVE ALL OF THESE SUGGESTIONS. ALSO THANK YOU FOR LOVING MY SERIES.

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I NEED ADVICE

Ok this is my pressing question, I love autostraddle and I wanted to love A-Camp but I just didn’t love it as much as I wanted to, I felt overwhelmed and didn’t connect with anyone in a deep way and I saw ppl everywhere with a newfound bestie or cliques and I was left feeling discouraged that I didn’t find “my people”, and even though ya’ll talk about how you’re all weirdos I still felt like I was an outsider hovering around the cool kids just like how I felt in school. I loved the atmosphere and the activities but yeah do you have any suggestions for if I give it another try how I can be better at making friends? Like honestly I felt like one minute we are all introducing ourselves and the next minute everyone is with their crew except me. :(
Yvonne: A-Camp is an intense experience because there’s so many cool, amazing people who you’d like to chat with and make friends with and there’s also so many activities you don’t want to miss so that means you sometimes don’t get a chance to establish a connection like you’d like. Some people are better at becoming best friends with people very quickly. Others, like myself, need time and several in-depth conversations to have a friendship or connection. Don’t feel pressured to find your “best friends” at A-Camp, maybe that’s contributing to your unhappiness and anxiety at camp. Enjoy the experience, talk with everyone you can, enjoy yourself at the activities, learn some new things at panels and let the friendships happen organically, even if that happens after A-Camp!

Riese: The crazy thing is that a lot of people feel the same way you do, but none of you realize that there are so many others feeling the same way! We tend to project a lot and assume other people are having an experience they may not be having. For a lot of campers, Camp #2 is the charm — especially for introverts, just knowing you’re more familiar with the situation than half of the campers can create an inherent sense of belonging. That’s how I felt my second year of boarding school, SO.

Hi guys, do you have any tips for people who have problems talking about their feelings without getting really emotional or straight up crying? And specifically, HOW DO I STOP DOING THAT. It’s really annoying and I don’t know what to do about it. I realized that I often tend to avoid talking about things that are too personal (even the good stuff), because of this problem and I don’t think that’s very healthy. Sometimes you just need to talk it out, you know? But I don’t want people to see me like that, or to think that a certain thing is affecting me so deeply when it’s not, or to pity me, or whatever. (And don’t even let me think about the arguing without crying thing. I mean there are people who are able to do that?? the whole idea seems completely crazy to me)
Heather: Hey, I do this! I am, in fact, so known for doing this that Rachel left a note in this post that maybe I would like to answer this question. I’m an empath; are you an empath? Like you’re so in-tune to your own to the emotions of everyone else in the room it feels like a superpower or maybe like you’re a feelings psychic or something? I mention it because empaths tend to focus so much on everyone else’s emotions and needs and feelings that when it comes time to talk about their own, it all comes out in an emotional jumble and you’re like, “Lord, why am I crying talking about this Mercedes commercial?” (You know the one: where that kid goes to meet the girl he likes in the snow.) Listen, there is nothing wrong with having a lot of feelings and there’s nothing wrong with crying when you express your feelings. I admire that in a person because it means in this brutal, relentless world, you’re not closing yourself off to the joy and grief of living! Maybe you could take a few minutes every day to journal and work through your feelings and feel some of those things in real-time so that your feelings are less intense when you speak them out loud to another person. Or maybe you could talk about them with a trusted friend or in the comments here on Autostraddle, like on the Friday Open Thread, and that might soften the edges for when you’re talking about them more broadly. Also, though, you could just cry. That’s what I do. And if anyone ever mocks me about it, Stacy does murder eyes and they never question my tears again.

Okay, this is a weird question but…please tell me how to watch GBBO. It seems that there are three seasons on Netflix? But they are not the first three seasons? And also they are not in order? I need to be comforted by tv but I also like to watch everything and in order. HELP.
Riese: Well you know what, back in my day, there were ZERO seasons of GBBO on Netflix and it was so sad. But, I watched the first season using the website of my local PBS affiliate, which required making a donation to Detroit Public TV, which I think was a good thing to do anyhow! They have the first three seasons on their website. I hope your local PBS affiliate has the same!

Ever since the election, my dating life has dropped off a bit, much like the Cheeto-in-Chief’s approval rating!, and wow what a sad comparison. I mostly meet people on Tinder, and there are still plenty of matches, text exchanges, and even a few dates, but inevitably things stall out and somebody ends up ghosting. This has always been the nature of things to an extent, but it seems like a much more established pattern since November, maybe because I’m putting out stress signals, maybe because they’re stressed too, and stress makes us all a little more flaky. I don’t blame anyone but Mango Mussolini, but it’s a bummer! Especially because when the world is on fire and my attention is pulled in a thousand directions at once by this parade of bigots, spending a few hours on a date and focusing my attention on just one other person is a real nice breath of fresh air. But it’s like, all the good people are anxious and depressed and operating under stress conditions that make it hard to be sweet and flirtatious, and all the apparently fun people have fucked up politics, which: hard pass! So my question is: do y’all have any suggestions for a single gal trying to date in this wicked world we live in? My strategies so far have been to be straightforward about politics early and to be a little more persistent than usual—as in, not feeling offended when the conversation stalls and to try to pick things up at least once again. But I don’t want to stress anyone out further by being too much! And what if it just really isn’t a good time to be trying to start something? Should I go back on the anti-anxiety meds that curbed my libido and dedicate myself to 4 years of celibacy and fighting the power? (Oh God I hope there’s another option than that.) Anyways, I’d also just like to say what a balm to my bitter soul this site has been in the last few months. I am so grateful for all the great work you folks do, and I live a fuller, happier, fiercer life because of it.
Riese: I think if you’re looking for an escape from this dark sad world that being straightforward about politics earlier in the conversation is probably not the best way to do it! I think the only red flag I see in what you are describing is that you’re talking about conversation lulls, which suggests you’re having extensive conversations. I think if you’re in the same location as somebody, probably you should schedule a date as early as possible. It is probably true that people are more likely to bail and ghost In the Age of Trump, and that’s ’cause we’re all depressed and anxious and it’s easier to just hide away than “put yourself out there.” There might be more people looking for just a hook-up — an escape without strings attached. I don’t think you should give up though. Maybe try okCupid, people are probably looking for relationships a bit more seriously there?

So here is a situation: a person of colour tells a white person their name, is it a microagression if the yt person asks the poc to repeat their name? I have had this conversation with 2 diff ppl and they both didn’t think it is, saying “that happens to everyone who has an uncommon name” and also “when white ppl go to other countries the same thing happens to them”. I disagree because people can say the same thing to different people and the impact is different depending on who’s saying it and who it’s being said to, and also mostly that situation just makes me uncomfortable which makes me think if my instinct is that its a micro aggression it probably is. But what do ya’ll think, am I being overly sensitive or am I right?
Yvonne: First of all, I don’t think you’re being “overly sensitive,” you feeling uncomfortable is valid. There’s a long racist history of white people erasing or changing POC names because they can’t pronounce their birth names or don’t know how to spell them or they just want to straight up white-wash POC communities. White people have destroyed POC’s legacies and histories by forcing them to change their names and assimilate to white society. With all that said, I don’t think it’s a microaggression if a white person politely asks a POC to repeat their name for a second time. Yes, it’s true this person probably has never heard of the name before because it’s outside of their white norm and they probably need to hear it one more time to not fuck it up — which is great! However if this white person continues to repeatedly ask for the POC’s name or follows up with comments like: “oh, that’s different!”; “your name is hard!”; “what does it mean?”; “where is your name from?”; “that’s not a real name” — then I feel those are microaggressions.

autostraddle! what should we name our baby! it’s going to be a libra, and I have been told that my fave name (eerie) is not acceptable, but we agree on graham or astrid. any other ideas that skew unconventional but that are hard to make fun of/not impossible to spell?”
Riese: Okay I really like Astrid! I read that name in The Whores On The Hill and fell in love with it lickity-split. I am a Libra so you could name him/her Marie, after me, if you wanted to. I asked the Family Channel and here is what they told me:

Valerie: i have a crush on a girl named Averi
and her name definitely didn’t hurt the equation
Laura: elspeth sounds like a name they’d be into
Valerie: i also met a little girl once named Althea. she was a badass and so was her name.
(also I know any name can be for anyone but Averi seems pretty gender neutral to me.)
or they could do what people on the upper east side do and pick a name from an aisle of whole foods. “oh how cute, Quinoa and Snap Pea are on a playdate!”
Alaina: alaina
Dufrau: budgie
Heather: second vote for budgie
Dickens: Quinoa Budgie Snap Pea but Queen for short.
Dufrau: that is… a really good name
Mey: Eerie is one of the best names I’ve ever heard in my freakin life
Give her the name sally ride as a first name. So like Sally Ride Anne Hogan

So. If I’m super shy but also honest but also awkward, how d’you think I should go about asking my doctor about her thoughts on me getting an IUD when she also knows I also hate penetrative sex, haven’t had a sex partner in over a year, and have worried about if I have anxiety in the past or if it’s only anxiety now making me afraid of yesallmen and republicans and a nonconsentual unwanted sexual future?
Heather: I think you can just tell your doctor exactly what you said here! Going to the doctor is almost always anxiety-inducing for sure and especially if you’ve had bad experiences in the past with gynecologists who don’t get it. I absolutely hate hate hate hate hate going to the gynecologist, but something weird has been going on with my uterus this year so I’ve been to various gynecological doctors and specialists probably like 15 times in the last three months, and it gets easier every time. For me, the worrying about what’s going to happen at the doctor is always a thousand times worse than anything that ever happens at the doctor.

Hi guys! What are your best self-care practices? I’m in a really weird place where my immediate network of friends where I am aren’t part of the queer community and can’t particularly empathize, but it seems like even when I try and connect online there’s a lot of in-fighting and messiness going on. Physically, I can’t run 50000 miles like I would want to (or even a 30 minute walk is often too much), so my outlets seem kind of limited. Any suggestions for trying to stay sane in an apocalyptic time?
Yvonne: It’s really tough! KaeLyn has some good suggestions for caring for your community, Carrie suggests cleaning as self-care, and I would say there’s a bunch of ideas in Rachel’s Helping You Help Yourself series.

I’m a white woman, and a family friend of mine (my best friend’s mother), also a white woman, frequently says anti-black racist microagressions when she’s around me and other white people. I’ve confronted her about it before, but it was largely unproductive. Do you have any advice for someone who hates interpersonal conflict and never knows what to say at moments like this? I’m not sure if I can engage in productive discussion with her, or if there’s a way I can at least continually show her that I don’t stand with her views.
Heather: I also hate confrontation, but your instinct is correct: Now is the time when white people have absolutely got to get over our own social anxieties and deal with the kind of microaggressions to outright racism that have led us to our current political climate. ‘Cause us feeling weird’s got nothing on the oppression people of color are facing anew in Trump’s America. Have you tried talking to her privately? Sending her an email or Facebook message? I think it’s always good in the moment to be like, “Hey, whoa, come on now.” But often people aren’t receptive to that because they get defensive, so it’s good to follow up later and help them see that what they’re doing is causing real danger to real people.

i was talking with some friends about calling representatives and such to try to take action against trump, and a friend mentioned an upcoming protest near her but noted “I guess I’m always concerned with protests that it’ll be more than it’s supposed to be or that I’ll get lumped in with a group that doesn’t really represent my thinking or something. I don’t know.” another friend was like “Yeah, protests can go sideways pretty fast.” i know i should respond to their comments, but i can’t figure out what to say. these are people i love whose hearts are in the right places, so i don’t want to be harsh, but i don’t want to let it just slide either. i don’t know. help?
Rachel: I also find these discussions frustrating often, and it’s difficult to be put in the position of having to justify the history and methodology of direct action on the spot. It probably isn’t realistic to educate them on the whole philosophy and purpose of protest right there and then, but you can call their bluff and say “I’d love to send you some reading on this,” and go home and follow through on that. In the moment, here are some things that it might be productive to respond with:

+ “It’s true that protests aren’t always ideal, but I think we can agree that at the end of the day protesting has been shown to make more of a difference than doing nothing.”

+ “Definitely, not everyone feels comfortable at protests. What other concrete actions are you taking instead?”

+ “I hear you. On the other hand, I think there’s strength in diversity of opinions and experiences; I’ve found it more effective to join in coalition with other people who I may not agree on every single thing with to work towards the issues we share rather than holding out for only working in spaces that mirror my values 100%.”

Also, and I don’t know the case for your friends, I’m curious when people say things like this what their actual experiences with protest have been — have they been to ones that they had bad experiences with, or have they never actually gone and this is what they imagine? It might be useful to ask that and dig into what they’re drawing from when they imagine this. If they have been to protests and having to witness other protesters’ rage or politics has turned them off, it might be useful to talk about the utility of that discomfort, and how being uncomfortable can be a good sign in times like these. Good luck!

I don’t know what to do. Do I just become grossly uninformed and stop reading the news or do I have to keep fighting the will to cry every time I read something about the annoying orange? And I’m not even from the US! How do you guys do it?
Rachel: I think you have to try to find a balance that’s sustainable for you! I think that’s what most of us are trying to do, with varying levels of success. Maybe you decide that there’s only 1-3 issues that you’re going to follow closely and take action on, and ask friends or rely on word of mouth to keep aware of what’s happening with the rest, or maybe it would be helpful to subscribe to an aggregate of some kind that will summarize it for you. I use Nuzzel but I think that maybe only works if you use Twitter; a lot of the big news outlets, like WaPo and NYT, are doing daily news roundup emails so you can stay on top of headlines without having to go to an overwhelming RSS feed. Take care! Stay strong!

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MISC

Hello! I’ve recently helped start a queer book club with some lovely people in my town, our first book was Imogen Binnie’s Nevada which I LOVED and I know has been written about here a few times, there are so many great book articles on this site with so many recommendations that I’m not sure where to start, are there any items you think are like ESSENTIAL reading material for a queer book club? At the moment we’re all women and non-binary folk!
Yvonne: You’re right, we recommend so many great books all the time so I think you have plenty of material to work with that probably won’t go wrong for your book club. I’ll just shout out Juliet Takes a Breath for your next one.

wait riese did you and your fiance break up? :(
Riese: yes :-(

Just to give you a heads up, the second season of Humans has a f/f couple by the name of Niska, who’s a synth, and Astrid.
Heather: Thank you! Valerie Anne and I were just talking about this yesterday. One of us will get caught up and get it into Boobs Tube!

I haven’t seen a review here yet for Sarah Schulman’s Conflict is Not Abuse, a book that offers examples of how how lesbians/queer women negotiate conflict/abuse and sometimes mistakenly conflate the two. Perhaps you’ve read it and didn’t like it (I don’t agree with everything in it) but if you haven’t, I would recommend it because I think it gives some insight into the distortions that fuel TERF ideology. It’s also applicable in terms of internet harassment/abuse, which is pretty relevant for y’all given that apparently being imperfect or different is unforgivable on the internet these days.
Yvonne: Riese recommended it to the senior editors and we’re all reading it! It’s made me deeply reflect on past choices and I’m not even half way through with it yet. Riese is gonna talk to Sarah Schulman so we’ll have something on it in the future.

Riese: I am obsessed with this book and actually agree with most of it (which isn’t true of all of Schulman’s other books) and it has changed my life and today I talked to Sarah Schulman and hopefully soon I can like change all of your lives too.

As well as a Goodreads account which I would definitely stalk, I would LOVE it if Autostraddle did Spotify playlists from time to time (though I get that YouTube links are more accessible for everyone and this is basically just me being lazy). Perhaps they could be for specific life challenges, feelings, or maybe events (like a Pride playlist)
Rachel: We do playlists on the website, which you can find in our playlist tag, and most of them are linked to Spotify playlists! You can find them through the post and then add them through Spotify!

I thought that I would point out “The Sanvers Project” to you. It’s a show of appreciation to Chyler Leigh, Floriana Lima, and the writers of “Supergirl”. 
Heather: Oh, awesome! Thank you!

Sooo was EVERYONE having sex at a-camp??? Like what percentage of ppl do you think had sex there?? Where was I when all the sex was happening. where was all the sex happening…
Riese: Uhh… I would say maybe 10% – 20%? I’m unclear on this.

Laneia: Do you think anyone had sex in the tunnel?

Riese: If they did they would probably be dead by now.

Yesterday at airport security they made me take out all books and magazines from my luggage and place them in a bin without anything else, like they were a laptop. BOOKS AND MAGAZINES! The guy said this was a new policy. WHAT THE HELL? I can’t find anything about this on the internet. Has this happened to anyone else or was the TSA guy just being a dick to me?
Heather: I have never heard of that happening in my life and I have air traveled about ten billion times. What airport were you at? I can’t find anything on the TSA website about that either.

Cassandra Cillian on “The Librarians” asked out Jenkins, and she kissed another woman. Bi Cassandra for the win!
Heather: Thank you! May the Bisexual Revolution bless us all!

EVAN RACHEL WOOD BISEXUAL IS BACK AT IT AGAIN!
Heather: We honestly need an ERWB channel in Slack. She is everywhere all the time right now (and hopefully forever?).

Will you be doing a new reader’s survey in 2017?
Riese: Probably not because we just did one in the fall. We’ll probably do a survey about SOMETHING, though, I’m just not sure what yet.

Why are there no queer characters in The Man in the High Castle? I binged through both seasons and there are a minimum of four characters who read queer despite the writers’ best efforts. The world deserves to know.
Heather: Ugh, I hate that! When you KNOW characters are queer but the writers are holding them hostage in Straightsville!

medium the platform is destroying independent online zinery
Riese: I feel this, i don’t know why but somehow the fact of a publication being on medium makes me less excited to read it? which is so unfair, i don’t know what my problem is.

Have y’all seen/heard about “Sweet/Vicious”? It’s a television show about campus rape culture and vigilante justice with a sense of dark humor and so much emotions. It also does everything right in terms of consent and rape culture. Check out this VICE article which puts my thoughts in actual words. 
Heather: I just binged this show over the weekend and you are absolutely correct. It is something timely and very special.

So I live in Ypsilanti and I said I would bring you cake a long time ago (like last spring), but I lost your Ypsi address. So if you’re comfortable sharing it with me again, I will drop off cake. Or other baked goods you might prefer – food restrictions?
Riese: It’s totally possible that you are the person who made me muffins and dropped them off on my doorstep and if so YOU RULE

Hello, Quick and Random Question: Whatever happened to the email newsletter? Did you guys decide it wasn’t worth the weekly effort? If so, that’s completely understandable! You have so much on your plates! I just wanted to let you know that I enjoyed them immensely, they often made bad days better, and thank you for everything you do for us! Have a hot chocolate – you deserve it!
Heather: Thank you for this feedback. We love the newsletter and we have made so many plans to bring it back but it’s one of those things that often gets pushed to the side as we hustle through all the daily activities it takes to make our website work, so suddenly it’s like 8:00 on a Tuesday night and you’ve been working 12 hours and you’re like, “Oh shit, the newsletter.” You’re right, though; we should find a way.

I really enjoyed the Poly Packet interview; I learned so much. I’m excited to read more in this series!
Riese: We love it too! I also wish it was called “Poly Packet” instead of “Poly Pocket” because I’m 12.

Riese, are you still planning on doing that true crime series you mentioned a few weeks back? I’m a huge true crime fan and would love to read it if it manifests!
Riese: I AM. Call-out post: @glavinder told me on March 3rd that she’d send me the illustrations the next day for the first installment AND I HAVE YET TO RECEIVE THEM.

Laneia: I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS SERIES.

Here is my attempt to imgur my otter pic. I took it kayaking in Valdez in June.
Yvonne: They’re so fucking cute!

Petition for Riese to continue writing all the food lists for the rest of ever. Or at least 2017.
Heather: Just want to let you know that Riese walked into Slack the other say and said, out of the blue, “So i had started a food list about cults.” She’s still working on it.

is mey rude single?
Riese: yes

Did the lesbian bar disappear because people’s identities splintered, leaving behind too few people to patronize women-only spaces? Or did it vanish because mainstream culture has evolved, turning every bar into an unofficial lesbian bar? This fall, Portland State University allowed students to choose from nine genders and nine sexual orientations when filling out demographic paperwork. In PSU’s recent survey of students and their identities, more students identified as “pansexual” than lesbian.
Laneia: I think it’s a little bit of B and a little bit of queer people creating even more spaces for themselves that aren’t brick-and-mortar bars. Also the patriarchy.
Riese: Also the internet — people are able to make connections with queer people in non-physical spaces so they don’t need the physical ones as desperately. And in the same cities where bars like that thrived, it’s easier to be out than it was before.

Hey so I used to read every single thing y’all posted and comment and engage but last year was so hard and in like july I disconnected and by august i had stopped checking the site at all. when i was ready to engage again i felt so behind, like I had missed so much! and I didn’t know how to put myself back into this community, so I didn’t. But here I am now. I am trying. I miss y’all and I am back. I kind of don’t know where to begin. It’s overwhelming. But I am here. Thank you for still being here. Y’all are so important.
Riese: It’s okay you didn’t miss a thing just hop back in it’s all good people come in and out and in and out and we’re still here plugging along being us. We’ve not been at 100% for a few months now so really, just read the A+ Insider Editors Letters and you’ll be all caught up and good to go.

let’s secede
Heather: Just tell me where to show up with my suitcase and pets.

Hi there! Firstly, THANK YOU for everything you do, all of you, a million thanks (and piles of kittens and hugs and radical honorific embroidered patches). I have an idea/question. A lot of horrific-hell-people (Trump etc.) are doing a lot of awful things that ya’ll are heroically covering. The pictures that go along with the articles are often of said horrific-hell-humans. It can feel really jarring to come to the safe-haven-utopia of Autostraddle and see these peoples horrible poop-faces staring back at me. Would you ever consider not including pictures of the horrific-hell-beings? Perhaps some other picture related to the topic? Or a witty caption/picture/edited thing? The bold article titles and descriptions are already definitely clear and encompassing! I’m sick of he-who-must-not-be-named’s face (as we all are I’m sure!) I feel like everytime I see his face it gives him narcissistic power. This is just my opinion and just an option. TOTALLY understand if you fantastical journalists have a reason for doin what ya doin. Did I mention how fucking fantastic you are? I’m not even saying that trying to lessen the possible inconvenience of voicing my suggestion…I’m saying it because I just discovered this contact box and I’m overwhelmed with getting a chance to tell you how great you are. OKAY, I’ll leave all the reasons you’re great for another contact box. Tearing. Myself. Away. Love love love love love to you all!
Heather: Thank you for your very kind words! I am pleased to tell you that Laneia has solved this problem, which I’m sure you’ve noticed by viewing the feature images on Also.Also.Also twice a week. They are all treasures. Treasures of my heart.

serious q here can we please just use a photo of a literal horse’s ass or smthg for feature image on drumf articles? keep AS a place where i don’t have to see that face? keep being rad ilu AS <3 <3 <3
Heather: We have heard your plea and are obliging!

Happy Birthday!!!! Thank you forever and always
Riese: YOU’RE WELCOME FOREVER AND ALWAYS

I asked this one before, but it wasn’t addressed in the last question write-up: was a comment deleted from the replies on the trans remembrance day pizza thread? I saw a comment and went back later to see if it had replies and I couldn’t find the comment. Did I hallucinate it?
Heather: If it violated our comment policy and didn’t have any replies, it was very likely deleted. Otherwise, very likely it was not!

An idea for your consideration: I come to Autostraddle now because it’s a safe place from the current political shitshow populating every other form of media in my life. I really appreciate the political content this team creates because it informs me and helps me get to “what can I do?” My only complaint is coming to the Autostraddle homepage and having to see photos of Trump and his team. It’s triggering; it shuts me down from staying. I know we don’t want to Voldemort him, but is there any way we could not use these men’s actual faces as thumbnails?
Heather: Laneia fixed it!

Laneia: Just spitballing here but what if we had that put on a shirt? “Laneia fixed it!” Maybe a baseball cap.

I’m pretty sad @celesbians deleted their twitter account and would like to formally start a petition to get Stef to take it over.
Heather: Nothing would please me more than Stef taking over all Vapid Fluff content for all queer humans on the entire planet earth. Unfortunately, Stef has two entire full time jobs right now, plus working at Autostraddle which is almost like a full time job for her, and I honestly don’t even know when she’s finding time to sleep! But I will, of course, pass along your request. Maybe we’ll get our hands on a Time-Turner soon.

my bestie and I were just discussing the heyday of Lady Gaga – do you remember that year/ year and a half in about 2009-10 when her fame was at its height and it actually felt like she was the queerest biggest pop star in the world and we were so lucky to be hearing her music as it was released? Where did that go?! Please validate our feelings!
Riese: I’ll tell you what we sure do remember this because this website was basically a Lady Gaga fansite from 2009-10

Google image search ‘goth lesbians’ Abt 13 scrolls down one finds a baby pic of Carmen Rios above one of Kstew. #delightful
Laneia: A gift.

Hi team, I’m wondering how you feel about strangers following and interacting with you on Twitter and Instagram. Mostly I feel self conscious about discovering/following/interacting with y’all’s public accounts, given that I’ve never met you. Does it feel invasive to you or do you love the attention or is it just a blip on the map? asking before I get called out for stalking but also bc i love you all and genuinely don’t want to cause any discomfort <3
Riese: I would say I’m somewhere between “just a blip on the map” and “love the attention.” Social media is social — we exist in those spaces specifically to be followed by people, and for people like us, that includes a LOT of people who don’t know us. If our account isn’t locked or private, it’s ’cause we’re open to followers from any source, yannow? Also we love you too. FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM.

Yvonne: I feel the same as Riese. Follow me on Instagram right now. And I guess, Twitter too. (I’m just not on it that much.)

Heather: I love it when I meet people in real life and they talk about my cats. Other than that, I pretend the only people who follow me are my sister and my girlfriend.

Laneia: I love new followers! If it’s IG I always click over to their accounts to be like, “let’s take a look at the kind of person who would follow me doot doot doot” and one time I did that and accidentally double-tapped one of her photos (after scrolling down on their page, so it was at least several weeks old) and then I unliked it and now here I am talking to you about it. And I like interaction on Twitter. I like it all, man.

Rachel: I forgot to answer this until it was already published sorry! I love it when people follow me and talk to me on twitter, and my instagram is locked but only because I’m irrationally afraid of being doxxed based on pictures of my neighborhood, I approve anyone that is visibly not a villainous internet MRA or whatever.

You guys? Vous etes mon Totino. <3
Heather: “What’s your name?” “I’ve never had one.”

Dear diary. Today I spent my working day reading through archives of The Toast. I miss The Toast.
Heather: Me too. :(

Not like y’all can help it and the lord knows I am eternally grateful for the actual fact based, queer resistance oriented articles you guys have been writing but oh how my heart aches for the days when your front page wasn’t covered in pictures of white men. I’ll never forget these past few weeks.
Heather: I think we’ve fixed this issue by Photoshopping the white men into nightmare monsters and writing rude words on their faces.

Laneia: HAHAHAHA BUTTHOLE MOUTH.

I just saw a Campbell’s soup ad on a youtube video that was about a lesbian couple sharing their soup and salad. LOL Pretty cute.
Heather: I love this commercial! It makes me cry!

Co you think queers are more likely than straights to have sex on the first date? I was talking to a straight friend about this & she didn’t seem to understand why sex on the first date is A Thing. Or maybe I’m just slutty and dtf any good date?
Heather: Eh, I think it has more to do with the people involved than the sexual orientation of the people involved. Straight people were always doin’ it at church camp as much as queer people are doin’ it at A-Camp, in my anecdotal experience.

My mom calls Autostraddle “Skedaddle.” Just thought you would want to know.
Rachel: BREAKING NEWS I now call it this also because that’s adorable.

Heather: Same.

So I know Heather is a big fan of Tremontaine, from SerialBox.com. But I just read next week’s episode of The Witch Who Came in from the Cold (don’t ask me how, but I promise I’m buying it) and DEAR GOD the queer lady scenes are HOT. And they are witches, BTW. It’s wonderful.
Heather: Thank you for this recommendation. I will download this absolutely immediately? Hey, did you know Malinda Lo has a new book on the way? AND Tremontaine is coming out in paperback so you can gift it to your friends!

I watched Almost Adults on your recommendation, and apart from a few annoying moments I really loved it. Nobody died! No random straight girl fell in love with a lesbian! I also learned apparently Tumblr is super gay? I’m such a baby gay for real. BRB off to make a Tumblr account….
Heather: Many a queer human has fallen in love over Tumblred photos of women smooching. Best wishes on your social media endeavors! (I met my partner on Twitter like six years ago.)

isn’t it enough for the entire rest of the world to be gross and objectifying; why do lesbians have to do that shit too *head desk*
Laneia: THE PATRIARCHY.

Thank you for this “This comment has been deleted for breaking the rules of our comment policy, specifically the rule about claiming the existence of reverse racism”. I don’t imagine that deleting troll comments is anyone’s favourite job but thanks for doing it with such panache. Rose
Riese: YOU’RE WELCOME ROSE

---

Really Nice Things You Told Us

Autostraddle, I missed you while visiting family over Christmas (in the woods without service). Literally. The thought, “I miss Autostraddle,” came to me at least once or twice a day.
Heather: Well, that’s a relief because we missed you too.

Just wanted to say thanks to Heather and Mey for covering comics and continuing to keep me updated on the comics to look out for, and the artists to support. My son is 4, and we go to bed reading Lumberjanes every night ( his favourite character are Jo and Molly!). And it was thanks to Mey that we started watching Steven Universe… he loves Pearl ( and her swords!) it makes me really excited for him, and his views of the world. Thank you for helping me keep him surrounded by queer and feminist media.
Heather: This makes me really happy. Kids who are growing up on Steven Universe are going to change the world, I truly believe that.

I wanted to thank you guys for sticking around. The Toast left us and then somehow Mallory and Nicole both left Twitter. Jen Kirkman luckily hasn’t left but she’s back to once a week episodes. Stuff Mom Never Told You left. Emily Nagoski seems to have stopped blogging. New Hairpin shared nothing but a name with original Hairpin. After Ellen is gone. It’s bleak just when I most need my feminist Internet is what I’m saying. But Autostraddle has been there for me so I just want to thank all of you.
Riese: YOU ARE SO WELCOME. It has honestly never been harder to do this than it is right now and sometimes I feel like we are zombie sleepwalking and not being our best selves for you. But thank you for appreciating our mere presence.

We love you, Riese. <3 I hope the AS community can be a support for you in your dark times, as it has been for so many others in theirs. Sending you big Internet hugs if you want them.
Riese: thank you! <3 I love y’all too. you’ve been with me through so many ups and downs and i very much have enjoyed this internet hug.

I just wanted to say that I stand with AS and all that you do for queer, trans, bi, women both of color and not. This is exactly the welcoming and inclusive space I want to be in, and I recognize that you all make a concerted effort to be so inclusive and reasonable and kind. Thank you so much to the entire team for everything you do. You’ll continue to get my A+ money and my support into the future.
Heather: That means the absolute world to us. Thank you!

Rachel’s “Helping You Help Yourself” is a treasure and a godsend…thanks, Rachel! I realized I needed it as I sat here wondering how to clean my shower curtain?? Both the plastic and the fabric?? A mystery. I mean I /could/ (???) research myself (and I guess I will because I’m an adult (???)) but that is just a suggestion for a topic. Only if she wants. Thanks!! <3333
Rachel: This has been NOTED my friend and I will include it next week!

I open Autostraddle on instinct at least 4 times a day and that’s a low estimate. Basically you’ve become a habit and I have no plans to ever give it up.
Heather: Hopefully we can continue to fuel your addiction. Hopefully Kristen Stewart somehow keeps getting gayer.

I just wanted to give a shoutout to all of Autostraddle’s bi staff. Y’all are doing wonderful, amazing, affirming things that mean so much to so many people, myself included. Thank you!!!
Rachel: I can’t speak on behalf of everyone bi on staff but on behalf of me personally THANK YOU you are a bright shining light and it feels so good to know that you’re out there and reading us!

you know those days when you just need a forehead kiss and maybe an hour long hug? i dont have anyone who can give me that right now, but getting lost in your archive was the only thing that made me feel a little bit better, so i just wanted to say thank you for existing guys
Yvonne: <3 <3 <3

Today as I watched the Golden Globes I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that tomorrow there will almost certainly be an Autostraddle post about the Golden Globes, which I’m honestly more excited about than I am about the Golden Globes themselves. And all I wanted to do tonight was to finish my binge-listening to archived A+ inbox live episodes. Basically, I love you all so much, and I was thinking about trying to explain all that to my mom, but I realized that the only people who can understand how and why I love you so much… is you! Every day Autostraddle becomes more and more of my home, and I can’t even tell you how grateful I am. Thank you for giving me (and so many others) a community, a home, and a safe space.
Heather: Remember ERWB’s TUXEDO from the Globes? Good memories. Thank you for your kind words. We love you and we’re so glad you’re here.

Riese: This is adorable I love it I’m so glad you feel connected to us!

i’m super tired and sappy and i just wanted to let y’all know that 1. rachel gives really good advice thank you so much, and 2. this website has been so so important to me over the last five or so years becoming a baby queer sort of adult/writer and i am so grateful to you all for putting so much hard work into making it amazing every single day. this website has helped me with everything from figuring out college to weathering the world as a disabled person to finding cute comics and comfy pajamas and i could not be more excited to see it and all of you continue to be awesome
Rachel: Well this is just the greatest thing to hear, you and your comfy pajamas are perfect and lovely and we’re grateful for you!

Just wanted to let you know that my wife got a raise and so I used part of it to upgrade to Silver. I’ve decided to wave my middle fingers at social media so Autostraddle is more important to me than ever! Thanks for being awesome.
Heather: That’s amazing! Thank you, friend!

I just graduated college a month ago and JUST landed my first adult job and this is so exciting not only because my life is starting but also because it means I can now go from being a cobalt member to a gold member and I have been dreaming of this day of being able to make a significant financial commitment to Autostraddle!
Laneia: This is just lovely and great! Thank you!

My gf is moving in with me and to celebrate our love and the amount of rent $$ I’m saving, I upped my pledge! I encourage others to do the same when they take that next scary step into cohabitation!
Rachel: So much happy news here! Happy move-in! Happy relationship milestone! Thank you for sharing your good fortune with us!

Autostraddle, I love you! I know you all feel just as distressed as me about the current political climate, but THIS community and similar communities keep me and so many others going. Thank you!
Heather: We cannot thank you enough for continuing to be a part of it!

I contribute monthly to AutoStraddle, I now find myself looking here for guidance on what the hell to do next, given the state of our country, so THANK you for posting the article by Kieryn Darkwater on Jan 26th. It was hard to read and exactly what we need to hear and understand. I urge you to continue to help the LGBTQ community with more of this information on what we can do, and how we can resist.
Rachel: We’re so glad that was helpful, and we’ll have more articles from Kieryn on the site soon!

Hey there, time for some gratitude up in this contact box. For every time you thought ‘is this when we give up?’ and for whatever reason you didn’t-thank you. For every unwitnessed sacrifice and annoyance-thank you. You will be in the women’s studies textbooks of the future and I am proud af to count you, ladies of Autostraddle, amongst my contemporaries. I can only hope to live up to the platinum standard y’all set on a daily basis. <3
Rachel: Well this is just very beautiful and kind! Thank you, friend! I hope they use cute pictures of us for the Powerpoint slides of the future.

Riese: MY DREAM IS TO BE IN A WOMEN’S STUDIES TEXTBOOK and that a girl just like me, except not afraid to take Women’s Studies because she is afraid that will make people think she is a lesbian or a feminist, will pick it up and feel things.

I just wanted to say thank you for being my homepage for the Resistance, for sanity, for education, for fun, and for recipes. I don’t think I’ve ever relied on Autostraddle as much as I do right now, and I’ve been spreading articles throughout my straight friends too. Things feel so overwhelming right now, but somehow seeing them contained in digestible articles with friendly faced authors makes it feel better.
Heather: Thank you for saying that. We always want to be a refuge for you. Speaking of recipes, I just want to make sure you saw Riese’s 10 Poison-Free Alternatives To Foods and Drinks With Poison In Them. It’s an important read full of exciting culinary ideas.

AS, Just sent a donation for A-Camp. I’d love to go but can’t. I’m married, still in the closet, and will be in Japan in May (fuck yeah!). I know, however you use it, A-Camp or otherwise, it will be in a way that supports and advances GOG… everything. And even though we’re not front-and-center, don’t forget your girls still hiding out! We love and support you guys 100%! Also, if you have any leftover swag bags from camp can I buy one? Much love. sfiddlesticks
Laneia: I will never ever forget about you! I hope your trip is amazing and thank you SO MUCH for the A-Camp donation.

Hi AS!!! I am sooooooooo thrilled, as a screen reader user, that you’re including more image descriptions on articles–I’ve particularly noticed them on Carrie’s pieces and they make such a huge difference. I feel so much more included in the pictorial elements of articles which were totally inaccessible to me before because I’m blind. Just wanted to say congrats not only on your rad as hell disability content, but also on the image descriptions! They’re some of the best I’ve seen, honestly. Please keep that up!!!
Yvonne: Carrie is so fucking awesome! Thanks for pointing this out and we’ll continue to do better with image descriptions.

Hey just wanted to say I absolutely love Getting in Bed with Kristin! She is so nice and gives such a great advice and thanks for that
Rachel: Isn’t she?? Doesn’t she?? Thank YOU!