Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as many as we can. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

A-CAMP, MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

can y’all put a “random” button somewhere, for when I’m bored and I’ve read everything on the front page and just want a random article to peruse?
Riese: I would suggest utilizing the “from the archives” widget in the homepage sidebar, which pulls random posts from our greatest hits!

Hey! Are the You Do You stickers waterproof? Like would they hold up as a bumper sticker? I just got 3 and want to make sure they won’t wear out if I expose them to the elements. Thanks!
Laneia: It’s not waterproof! I know this because Megan tried to put a YDY sticker on her truck window and that didn’t work out. But Rachel suggests that you laminate it yourself, and then it’ll be as waterproof as a duck!

Is it possible to pause our membership (only temporarily, I promise)? I have to pay double rent for 2 months so I have to jettison all non essential expenses until February. I love AS, but I love not being homeless very slightly more.
Riese: I believe so, yes! Try [email protected]!

A few months ago I attempted to send you guys a picture of like 3 dozen otters all hanging out and looking at the camera. Was I successful? If not, how do I go about doing that?
Yvonne: We didn’t get any photos of otters :( I asked Cee about this and they said: “There’s no way to send them other than linking online to them. There’s no file upload.” So friends, just try uploading the photo on imgur and sending us the link or sending us a link of picture already online.

So you know the affiliate links, I’m in the UK and wondered if I can used the .co.uk version of asos, amazon etc through these links and still have you benefit, or if it only works with the US ones. Obviously ones like etsy are fine cos I use the .com version!
Riese: This is the link to Amazon UK! I honestly don’t know about asos, though.

Ok so I just thought about this and I’m happy that random snack food companies wanted to sponsor Camp / put snacks in our little backpacks, and I will admit that I ate those weird quinoa stick things but I just also want to say that I hate things that call themselves “SKINNY” because fuck off. But like, if Big SnackFood wants to sponsor Autostraddle, I’m not gonna be upset because I want y’all to have money.
Riese: I also hated that the snacks said “SKINNY” on them but I did like that they were snacks and that we could eat them. I think you’re all beautiful.

Hello! My Bi(e) Bi(e) Bi(e) shirt arrived today and it is more even glorious than I expected. I don’t want to take it off but I guess social convention will force me to eventually. Now I just need to create a good opportunity to wear it with my “Straddle This” underoos. *smirk emoji*
Riese: This happened to me with our A-Team t-shirts we did in 2011 — for some reason I just FELL IN LOVE with mine and couldn’t take it off. This is when my then-girlfriend Marni and I handled all the merch shipments ourselves, which meant I was able to take no less than three for myself, plus one in a larger size for when I was feeling cozy. I justified it by saying it was my work uniform. So I think this is just your bisexual uniform, is what I’m getting at.

Hey I subscribe to autostraddle on a monthly membership, which is fine, but I just got an influx of cash and the first thing I thought about was making sure I was an autostraddle member for the next year and/or donating the a silver membership for another person who may not be able to afford it right now; how can I do that? What should I do? Thanks in advance!
Riese: Thank you for having such a solid heart and soul! It’s actually really difficult/time-consuming for us to facilitate the giving of an A+ membership from a human to a stranger because the cost of having a post written and the time spent finding a giftee ends up negating what’s paid for the A+ membership. But! Usually around our birthday-time we do facilitate a mass giving of memberships to people who can’t afford it, so I would look out for that — when we do it all at once it’s like a different thing and a better thing.

Hi AS!!! There is a significant population of AS readers who are either blind or visually impaired. I’m writing as one of them who is a *huge* fan of the site to ask if you would consider providing descriptions on the web comics on the site? It would be super awesome to be able to enjoy that content like everyone else! Thanks!
Riese: Could you explain what kind of description you would want or point me in the direction of another place that does this? Like would you want a mini-short story, basically? Is me asking you this doing the thing where I ask an oppressed person to do the work for me that I should do myself?

bring back the misandrist shirt pleeeeease!
Riese: ONLY IF WE CAN HAVE THE SAME FLAME WAR ABOUT IT THAT WE HAD THE FIRST TIME.

i just want to say that AS has ruined me for other people and really the rest of the world more generally. y’all are the coolest fucking people. it’s like that song that prince wrote and sinead sang: nothing compares 2 u

Have you ever thought about getting an app because that would make the mobile reading experience ahhh-mazing!
Riese: Oh my sweet friend, we most certainly have. We have been thinking about getting an app since 2009, and have wanted and wished and hoped for it for so long but ultimately cannot afford it. Most of the quotes we got for what we wanted to do were $50k and up. But here’s an Autostraddle App hack.

I shop at iherb.com a lot for supplements and stuff, (they have free shipping for 20 dollars and up). I’d love for some of that money to go to Autostraddle. Can you make them one of your affiliates?
Riese: As far as I can tell, they don’t have an affiliate program.

To Sarah or whoever made the “have a gay holiday” Autostraddle ads that I’ve been seeing for the past few days: they are so aesthetically pleasing, and I’ve been enjoying watching them shift to different colors as I click on different articles.
Heather: Sarah will be very glad to hear this! I will make sure she knows it! (The Dead Lesbians scroll was my favorite!)

Am I not gay enough to understand the queer deer shirt? What makes it queer? The bow tie??
Rachel: I think you make it queer when you wear it! Or maybe there’s something the deer knows that I don’t.

Shout out to the color coordinated holigay merch banner, you’re the mvp
Heather: And so are you, reader!

RE: “Dead Lesbian Society” pins. I LOVE THEM! I love the idea of them!! But, unfortunately, Maya & Lexa are from shows that I don’t feel a connection to. That said, I noticed that the pack was listed as #1, so if I could throw in some recommendations for future packs- if you decide to continue the series-: Poussey, Poussey, Poussey, Poussey, Poussey, Poussey. Then after that Dana Fairbanks and/or Jenny Schecter. I would personally also love a Tara Thorton, but I get she doesn’t have the largest fanbase. But Poussey and one of the L Word women? I would buy that in a heartbeat, and I think a lot of other people would too. Anyway, I wanted to say that I’ve loved all the new merch that you guys have been putting out and that I appreciate your work. Both in merch and running the website and in being here as a community space. Thank you. Have a happy holigays!
Riese: The next packs are already in progress! #2 will be Jenny Schecter / Dana Fairbanks / Mr. Piddles and #3 will be Poussey Washington / Xena the Warrior Princess / Tara Thorton. So LOOK AT THAT.

Not sure if this is the place for this but this site has been taking way longer to load recently. Longer than any other sites I visit. Anything up or is it just me?
Riese: Yes something IS up which’s that we have switched the site to HTTPS to make it more secure in The Age of Donald Trump. Cee is working on fixing conflicts that have arisen with the https plug-in so that the site will start running faster soon.

Loving!!!! the AS merch ads in the sidebars!
Heather: Did you get a queer deer shirt? I got a queer deer shirt!

How come Riese’s circle is blue but Heather doesn’t have one at all? (I had a lot of other feelings after reading the latest Interview with My Ex, but then I read the first few comments and this seemed most pressing.)
Riese: It’s because it was my article! Our circles are blue when we are commenting on articles we wrote ourselves.

Laneia: And for some weird reason I don’t think any of the senior editors show up as being A+ members, so we never have the gold circle. Why is that? I do not know.

Is there any way we can get more color options for the gal pals hoodies? I’d love a colorful option like blue or purple. Thanks!
Heather: I will pass this information along to our merchandise maven, Sarah.

I just want you all to know that I am so frequently blown away by the quantity and quality of the content on Autostraddle. I’ve been reading the site for years, and I love that I can come home at the end of days like today and open 10 (!!!) tabs of new articles on a huge range of topics. I’ve been very dedicated to reading nearly every article that is published on Autostraddle for the last couple of years, and there’s so much good stuff it’s getting hard! I can’t say this enough but thank you all for everything you do. Autostraddle has been a godsend for my queer life.

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

Okay, secret feelings time, I’ve gotten really good at that camp hookup that isn’t gonna be a long distance thing, it’s just you’re in a (mostly)safe environment where you can be pretty sure you’re hooking up with someone funny who reads stuff, but you don’t really talk all that much after(sometimes not before either) which I’m down with. But I still get tickled pink, even months later, when that person likes something I said on FB or whatever. It’s like “Oh look, they still think I’m funny when I’m not a cute stranger in a dark room, go me”
Riese: You are living your best life and I salute you.

The world is making me angrier and angrier and that’s fine, but I’m a little bit worried that it’s making me meaner, too.
Riese: Don’t feel weird, friend, because you are likely not alone and it’s no surprise that anger shifts into meanness, given enough darkness and deprived enough water. I’d suggest attempting to control your menace to funnel all of it towards people who voted for Donald Trump and keep the rest of it to be nice to people who are as angry as you are and also devastated and fatalistic and macabre and, you know, sad.

So I’m a teacher at a high school and last week was homecoming and my favorite baby queer won homecoming queen and was escorted by her gf and no one thought anything of it. What is this world? It made me so happy.
Yvonne: That’s amazing!

UGGGGH I don’t want Johnny Depp in my Harry Potter universe. Gross.
Rachel: Hard agree.

i started reading autostraddle way back in 2010, and i feel less and less a part of it these days. am i too old for all the jokes now?? some things, i’m like: what is this and why is it on autostraddle. then i look at the comments and it’s funny?? did vintage autostraddle feel different to other people, too? i miss it. :( i miss whiskey kittens.
Riese: Well…  you’re definitely not too old for the jokes because I bet you’re not as old as me or Heather or Laneia! Vintage Autostraddle was glorious in many ways but also really limited in scope — like, it was primarily articles from me, Laneia and Rachel, and then maybe 1-2 articles from freelancers or a Contributing Editor or an imaginary person I invented so that you wouldn’t know that I wrote the entire website. AND on top of that, I often totally re-wrote a lot of the stuff by other writers, making it even MORE singularly-voiced. AND nobody got paid except me and Laneia and Rachel, so again… similar voice, because who is willing to work for free? Our friends and lovers! So it was like a group of friends writing a blog together with guest stars. Plus we churned out a lot of articles back then that were SUPER good and now like, we’ve done them all? A lot of the really awesome dating/sex/relationship articles we’ve already done which is sad, although I guess we could always pull that trick mainstream women’s magazines do where they recycle the same stories over and over and over again. Also, we had a minimal social media presence and the internet wasn’t at the mercy of Facebook. That has changed everything. ALSO! It used to be that really excellent incredible established queer women were willing to write for us for free or nothing because there was nobody else out there who wanted to publish articles about our experiences. Then you know… Buzzfeed, Mic, Fusion, etc. Now those writers don’t necessarily go to us first, there are other places to pitch that content. But I’d like to remind you that Erin didn’t work here in 2010, and now she does, so. Also Laneia and I know that you want us to write more and we’re working on it! I think that we were very successful at attracting a super-specific demographic of people who thought similarly to us, back then, you know?

You guys. I just got a job. And finished applying to grad school. I’m like, a real adult human now, I think. Is this real life.
Riese: It is! It’s only a matter of time before you have a days-of-the-week pill container and bring your laptop to IHOP at 3 in the afternoon because why not. Don’t forget what John Mayer said though. About the real world. GOOD LUCK WITH SCHOOL.

Is it weird that I’m already thinking about camp? ….I know you’re going to tell me that it’s not weird. I just wanna be excited with someone. CAMP IS HAPPENING ONE DAY!! CAMP IS A THING THAT EXISTS!! SOMEBODY MADE A THING THAT’S JUST FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME AND I GET TO EXPERIENCE IT!! *weeps softly*
Riese: I’M ALSO ALREADY THINKING ABOUT CAMP! I’m ready. Y’all our talent lineup so far is SICK.

Laneia: Sometimes I’ll remember the talent lineup so far and I have to reach for a wall to steady myself.

I moved to London three months ago and I’m very much feeling how single, broke and jobless I am. I’m so lonely, but totally lacking in the funds and confidence it takes to meet new people (let alone date). Tell me things will get better?
Riese: We answered this one in the podcast — if you’re not a silver or gold member, email Laneia and she’ll send you the podcast file directly.

I miss AfterEllen
Heather: I do have good news in the form of Valerie Anne is recapping all the gay stuff on DC shows for us and Supergirl and will also be recapping Wynonna Earp and Orphan Black. Lucy Hallowell’s The Fosters recaps will kick off the new season in just a few weeks. Dorothy Snarker is hopefully going to recap the new The Good Wife spin-off for us. Elaine Atwell will be covering Wentworth. And Chelsea Steiner is coming home to Autostraddle to probably resurrect a beloved former column and for sure write about TV!  

You guys I miss Tinkerbell
Tinkerbell: Hello reader. It’s me Tinkerbell. Rest assured I am still a very famous star, like my hero Paris Hilton and my deceased hero Tinkerbell for which I Sat Shiva for 180 days. Now I am better, and still a star. You can see that I am a star and that fills me with joy, which is better than food, because joy does not have calories. Now that you have said this to the team, it will be clear to them that they cannot shine without additional Tinkerbell-related content. Perhaps my dream of being on an enamel pin will finally be realized. I think so. I am very pretty. Love Tinkerbell. P.S. Do you think I’m pretty.

hello! I’m coming to a bit of a revelation I think? And I don’t like it. I’m in a strange half-out state and it’s starting to get a bit weird. I’ve only dated boys thus far and have not declared non-straightness to my friends, but I also think they would be wholly unsurprised if I were dating a girl. This kind of seemed to work for a while, but now it kind of feels like a big stressful lie. I don’t want to make a big deal, tbh I don’t even want to say the words, but think I probably should? Like then I would feel better, have my friends involved in this part of me that feels quite big, etc. Any thoughts would be 100% great, though equally this kind of reads like a diary entry so ya know I should maybe just put on my grownup hat and say some scary words. Love your work, faces, you all xx
Heather: Coming out is a perpetual process that you’ll kind of be going through your whole entire life since the assumption by almost everyone everywhere is that all humans are cis and straight. But here’s some good news: The first time you say it out loud to other people is BY FAR the hardest and it gets easier and easier after that. Sure it’ll probably force a couple of uncomfortable conversations from time-to-time but the freedom of feeling like you’re not hiding anything is the sweetest relief I, personally, have ever experienced. When I started coming out, my therapist gave me some great advice: Coming out to one person doesn’t mean you have to come out to all people. You can come out to whoever you want whenever you want. You’ll know in your heart when it’s the right time for every conversation. And she was right! Good luck, friend. You’ve got this!

can we talk about the Broadway revival of Falsettos?? because I’m deeply emotional about it!!! I saw it YESTERDAY and I SOBBED and I have so many thoughts that I would love to share with people if you care about that sort of thing but for now I’m gonna leave you with this quote from The Daily Beast’s review of the show “In one stunning song, Marvin, Whizzer, Dr. Charlotte, and Cordelia sing “Unlikely Lovers,” a double-edged title that reflects not just their own partnerships, but the sheer unlikeliness of all partnerships, and how—swimming upstream against so many harsh currents—LGBT people themselves succeed in making relationships.” because like THAT’S IT!!! THAT’S THE THING!!! this show celebrates the resilience of queer people in the face of tragedy. I have been feeling SO DOWN these past several weeks, but I am so grateful to this show and to the transformative power of art to convince me to KEEP GOING. anyway I’m still emotionally hung over from this gotta go because I have to keep crying
Heather: I am so, so glad you got to experience this transformative moment of storytelling before this musical met its unfair and untimely end!

Have you heard about Aspiration financial firm? They’re a bank that supports progressive causes, so you know your investments are going to a good place. They also donate 10% of their revenue to charity. I got an email from dailykos about it, and I thought I’d share, since I’ve always wanted to invest, but was worried that the money would go to the heteropatriarchy…
Laneia: I have not heard of this financial firm but now I have and I have you to thank! I will be looking into this.

I’m in grad school and broke af (but still hanging on to that cobalt membership!) The other day I found out that the field I’m going into has a way higher starting salary than I imagined and I want you to know that I pledge to upgrade my membership when I start making money in 1.75 years. Thanks for all that you do!

I just got new sex toys yesterday and I’m sitting here at my desk waiting to go home and masturbate…only a half hour left! Oh ALSO this cute girl I’ve been talking to on OhGayCupid answered a sex question about strap-ons as “I’d rather be the one strapping it one” yaaas! Love y’all!
Yvonne: Hi, I hope you had a grand time! And I hope you went on many more dates with the cute girl!

You guys, somebody uploaded Hamilton to YouTube in its entirety and now I’m never going to finish my term paper. Pls send coffee.
Heather: I wish I could send you coffee! I wish I could send the whole world coffee! I also feel you about Hamilton! Seeing that show was one of the highlights of 2016. When the lights came up, I just cried and cried and cried. It’s so weird, isn’t it, that the theme of this entire year across every single part of our culture was the truth about how important it is to be able to tell our own stories. It’s something I’ve believed my entire life, something I’ve seen proven true COUNTLESS numbers of times, and something that still affects me so deeply when I get to experience it or watch someone I love experience it. I hope you got that term paper done!

I ordered a new dildo and it finally arrived today and when I got home someone in my apartment building had OPENED THE PACKAGE. I’m simultaneously HORRIFIED and also slightly amused by the idea of some building thief thinking he was going to get something great but in actually it was a big silicone dick. But also how grossed out should I be right now?
Yvonne: Was it still in the packaging? I think it’s cool. If it wasn’t, just clean it/ sterilize it for good measure and move on! You got a new dildo and your neighbor didn’t! Weeee!

YALL this week I got to help with a costume fitting with Natasha Lyonne for a movie she’ll be in next year and it was so surreal! I’m just saying as a queer costume designer, I promise to queer every lady character I possibly come across.
Laneia: Well this is phenomenal.

I had to share this incredibly detailed and funny review of menstrual cups 
Laneia: Hands down the most thorough review of menstrual cups that I’ve ever seen.

There, I found some reusable silicone tubes that I cut the bottom off of and turned into my make-shift vaginas.

Also I’ve been looking for a cup for a low cervix, so I thank you for this link.

I know I am still very young, but how am I technically an adult? I started reading AS in high school, now I’m applying for grad school, watching my friend’s cat over the holidays, making fancy baked goods for my feminist circle holiday hangout and such. When did that happen?! college happened so fast!
Yvonne: Yes, that’s sounds pretty adult to me. I use to read AS in college and while I was still super in the closet and now I work here! Time is so weird.

WOW I’m having a hell of a depression reboot right now and I just wanted to blast a vent into the void. I am so so so sad, I haven’t got out of bed in several weeks for more than 5 hours a day! I have a girlfriend and a cat and a lovely apartment and I am cisgendered and white and it makes me sad that I can’t see past the nose on my own face to GET OUT OF BED and LIVE MY BEST LIFE. It is all compounded from the shame I feel from a significant weight gain since this cycle of depression has taken hold (50 lbs in a 3-4 months) and I am so sorry to care that much. Not to mention I was fired from my job (about 3-4 months ago) for talking back to a manager who was ALSO my best friend and who is now no longer my manager or my best friend….GEEEZ! I am leaning on my girlfriends finances heavily. I am eating everything containing sugar in sight. I can’t bring myself to get to the gym bc every time I do I just feel like I am going to cry/barf everywhere. I have a therapist who is WONDERFUL (SEE MOAR PRIVILEGE) and even she can’t really help me. I’m on anti-depressants. I am intelligent and strong. But I am also just so fucking sad. I lost almost all of my friends and family in a coming out shitstorm 6 years ago and have been slowly coming out of the depression that THAT triggered but THIS is the worst I’ve felt since that dark dark time. I think it’s the news too. I used to listen to NPR to feel informed and less alone and now I can’t even turn it on. I’m sorry for ranting in your inbox. I just needed to vent to an outside source and this was a better option than blowing my low-stealth cover on facebook to cry into the void about feeling inadequate. I l0ve you guys and am so glad this place exists. I can’t believe how real depression and mental health issues are for women and queer people. It’s so so hard. The holidays and “Voldermort” coming back are doing little to make this better. I feel like I am letting my girlfriend down but I can’t seem to stop. I didn’t get out of bed today until 3pm. I miss my autonomy. I wish Hillary Clinton was president. I am worried about the denial I’ve been in about this crashing down around me on the 19th. I need to get out there and meet some people. Depression is hard you guys. It’s so hard. I am grateful I don’t feel like “ending it all” thanks to meds and previously stated privileges that give me a solid barrier bw how I feel right now and “the ledge” but it is STILL SO FUCKING HARD. I am an optimist and a hufflepuff. How can I be THIS depressed??? FRICK! THANKS AGAIN FOR BEING RAD AS. THANK YOU FOR PROVIDING A SPACE WHERE I CAN SEND MY FEAR INTO THE VOID. XOXOXOX

ALSO I BROKE MY EFFING FRENCH PRESS YESTERDAY SO THERE IS THAT. (FIRST WORLD PROBS I KNOW……)
Rachel: It is really hard! It is. Sometimes it feels impossible. But it’s not! And I’m glad you’re here and that you’re in this space and I’m glad for you to talk to us about how hard it is and I hope it makes it a little less hard. One of the things that makes it less hard for me is thinking about how there will come a time, even if it’s twenty or thirty years from now, when things won’t be as hard, and that if I pay attention and I look for it there will maybe come a moment sometime today when things are a little less hard, like someone says something cute or I get a dumb spam email at exactly 4:20 pm and that manages to make me laugh a little, and that’s nice. I also broke my french press recently. Now we have a Moka pot. It’s not as good as the french press but it’s okay I guess.

My friends pussy tastes like Pecan Pie. Is this normal? She says it doesn’t but I swear it does.
Riese: No, pussy is supposed to taste like strawberry rhubarb pie and/or cheesecake. Your friend probably has a yeast infection.

i keep crying because the future is dead and omg its exhausting
Yvonne: I feel you. 

Hi! I’m really fucked up about a variety of things, and I’m trying to deal with it, but every therapist I see just wants to talk about my fucking parents. I don’t remember my childhood as being that sad or fucked up or weird, and it definitely wasn’t abusive, and I just don’t see how making me sad about my past will make me feel any better about my present. Can’t I get better without having to twist my memories into some therapist approved narrative? I like my mom! JUST LET ME LIKE MY MOM
Rachel: I think you can like your mom! I agree! I think if it’s bothering you, you can tell your therapist “I’m not sure why this line of discussion is productive, can you explain why it’s important that you think we talk about this.” HOWEVER, also, counterpoint, just because a childhood wasn’t abusive and you love your parents doesn’t mean that it might not be constructive to talk about them some! Our problems and personalities aren’t simple products of only the absolute worst things that ever happened to us, and things that weren’t particularly bad in the past can still have taught us patterns of behavior or beliefs that turn out to be really unhelpful in the present. Maybe let your therapist know how you feel about it but also keep an open mind about why every therapist you’ve had thinks this could be useful!

Overwhelming need to share. I saw Moonlight today with my parents. My white, upper-middle class, well-educated, lefty, urban, cultured parents. And as we came out of the theatre, while I”m still grappling with the weight of what I’d just seen, my father begins to complain – why didn’t Chiron just SAY something, and why didn’t Kevin just ask “so are we gonna fuck or what”. And my mom started wondering what year the film was set in, and why it was such a big deal still. And I stood there in shock, thinking do I really have to explain to my parents that laws don’t change minds? That there is still homophobia in the world? That kids still get beaten up every fucking day for being gay? That people still get murdered every fucking day? That these boys, these MEN, were fucking TERRIFIED of what they were feeling and how the trauma they experienced as kids never goes away even if laws change? How just because for the people we know, in our social circles, being gay isn’t a big deal anymore, that that’s not necessarily the same everywhere? And I try to explain, but I’m yelling, and my voice breaks and I choke on my words, and I’m trying not to cry there in the middle of the movie theatre, and my mom is getting mad at me for raising my voice. I’m standing there thinking how have I failed to communicate this? How have I failed this badly to explain the stakes? I’ve been out to them for more than five years, so how is it possible that I’ve failed to make them GET IT?
Heather: Oh sweet friend, you have not failed at all in explaining the stakes to them! I think it’s hard for even the very best and most supportive straight allies to actually really wrap their heads around how different it is to move through the world as a gay person. I mean, gosh, just look at what’s coming at us politically. We’re living every day in constant fear about what rights we’ll lose, what legislation will be leveled against us, what hate groups will rise up (or be revived) in the name of god to turn our families and friends against us. The slurs we’ve internalized, the looks of disgust, the rejection. In some ways, I think most gay people are all walking forward in life while also trying to heal the hurts that happened inside us before we were out and surrounded by like-minded people. So no, you did not fail. Moonlight was remarkable, huh? Best movie I saw last year! Did you read Princesses’ essay about it?

i know this is pathetic but i need to get it off my chest! back when i was 14/15 i had a best friend who was infuriating and intoxicating in equal measure. we were obsessed with each other. she was my 1st love i guess, and the first girl i ever kissed. we were rly fucking close. fast forward nearly 10 yrs and she is engaged to a dude who was originally my pal and who i introduced her to! i have not been invited to the wedding. even though we always said that we would be there for each other at our respective weddings one day. she dodges my messages on facebook and doesnt reply to my texts. its pretty clear she doesnt give a fuck abt me anymore. it hurts and i hate that it hurts! but mainly i just dont understand…why would she just throw our friendship away? im not saying we would be close like we used to be, but like, an obligatory drink at xmas when we’re back in our hometown and the occasional text would be great. she hasnt replied to any of my messages in over a year…yet she hasnt deleted me off FB. so im just taunted by all of these images of her with her high flying career and her dumb upcoming straight marriage. i am seething mad but dont know what to do. delete her off fb? send her a long message asking her why shes ignoring me? i need some fucking closure on this dumb high school mess. i loved her and i know she loved me. what the fuck has happened? shes the first person i actually care about to get married and i rly just wanna go and celebrate her happiness with her and catch up :(
Laneia: This is tough and sad! I’m sorry to say that I think you’ll have to find your own closure to this high school mess. I know it’s easier when closure is reached with the help of the person in question, but it’s actually really rare that we have those opportunities, so we learn to close things ourselves, and it’s a brand new lesson every single time you have to do it. I don’t think there’s such a thing as an obligatory xmas drink if both parties haven’t agreed on its obligatory nature, you know? If you’d like to celebrate her happiness, send her a congratulatory card with an unsentimental gift — like a gift card to Target or Bed Bath and Beyond — and let that be it. I’d also do the thing where you’re still following them on FB but you can’t see what they’re saying anymore. Is that even an option? It should be.

Just thank you for continuing to exist right now. I find myself continuing to come back here as a safe space where I can feel seen and respected. After a frustrating day at work. After gay strangers attack me via social media for having opinions on LGBTQ issues because I pass for straight (I’m a bi woman dating a straight man). After it feels like everything about our basic human rights as women and queer people are being torn down to applause. Thanks for being there for all of us.

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION/ ARTICLE IDEAS

have you heard of gal-dem? amazing online magazine by/for young woc in england, with lots of queer friendly content. A girl from my school started it and now I’m thoroughly regretting my not being friends with her
Laneia: I just saw this magazine today! It looks so cool that I died and now I’m a ghost.

Carrie, I wondered if you’d encountered this thing, I ran into a swell wheelchair-bound guy, and we bonded immediately cause the waitress misgendered both of us. He brought up the time his high school gave him an “award” basically for existing, and I’d actually had a similar exp(school basically thanked me for not going Columbine after a Bad Time) and we had both, even at the time, heard straight through the BS to what they were really saying, which was “Who you are/what you went through is hard for US to deal with” it doesn’t help materially, and you’re already dealing with your shit, they just need to feel better, and it’s weird. Have we written a thing about that yet?
Carrie: Oh yes indeed my friend, I know this phenomenon well. And in fact, I wrote a thing about it recently! The disability activism term for that kind of patronizing crap is “inspiration porn,” and here’s how you can avoid perpetuating it. Feel free to send around to all well-meaning but ill-informed folks you may encounter.

I’m really glad y’all hit it off! If you want to score even more points with this lovely person, here’s another tip from atop the disability soapbox: “wheelchair user” is largely the preferred term over “wheelchair-bound.” Yay for inclusive, progressive language!

Was Eleanor Roosevelt in a triad with Nancy Cook and Marion Dickerman?! I am watching ken burn’s Roosevelt doc on netflix and a scene in episode 4 at 1 hr 14 mins made my sherlock homo alarms go off. I found this blog but thought maybe you would know more. I love all the queer history covered on autostraddle.
Rachel: I feel like if anyone knows the answer to this it’s Kayla.

Hiya! Gayme corner hasn’t had a post in a year! Is there anyway we could get something similar back? I miss my queer game tips. Xx
Laneia: Well! Buckle up buttercup, because we’ve got some gaming stuff for you: Dufrau and Jenna have been covering a variety of video and computer games, and Ali is starting a monthly board game situation this year. DOES THIS PLEASE YOU lmk seriously.

Will you please, please write a review of The Handmaiden?
Heather: Yes! The truth is that I had two reviewers lined up but those both fell through because everyone’s been so devastated about … everything since the election, no one really had the emotional capacity to talk about this movie. But I have commissioned a review that is in the works and I feel very confident it will be with you soon.

Idea/request for an article/column/what-have-you: How to get involved in volunteering for progressive causes, especially for people who work full-time during standard business hours. Since the U.S. election happened, I have donated to various progressive organizations but would also really like to get out and do something in meatspace, and I am finding it not super easy to find opportunities. Some organizations are only open while I’m at work, and some are only looking for volunteers with specialized qualifications that I don’t have, and some are geographically inaccessible to me since I don’t drive. I’d also be interested in guidance on what to expect when it comes to volunteering, such as what kinds of tasks are normal things for volunteers without special qualifications to do, and what to expect from an application process. And if there are any special qualifications that would be especially useful, and that I could acquire without, like, getting a whole other degree or spending thousands of dollars, what are they?
Rachel: Hello! This is a great thing to want and while we’ll work on putting together something that addresses the situation of 9 to 5’ers in particular, I think that you’ll find KaeLyn’s Be The Change series very instructive in general.

I was talking to a friend about all of this news after the election, and we’re both very overwhelmed. I’d like to see more stories of successful and inspiring activism (complete with the nitty-gritty dark nights of the souls and scary moments and how people handled them) so I don’t feel so lost and overwhelmed. I know it’s not all bunnies, rainbows, and roses, but there has to be some shred of hope to counterbalance this sea of horrors that all of us are powerless to fix, like those cabinet choices. x__x
Riese: I think this is a great suggestion! Also I hope you have been following Kaelyn’s Be the Change series, which speaks directly to this desire.

So, two things. First is a film I saw the other day which was cute ‘A Brand New Testament’ – sorry if you’ve covered it already but couldn’t see anything. It’s in French with subtitles. The premise is that God exists but he’s a total dick. His daughter Ea manages to escape and tries to sabotage him by releasing everyone’s dates of death. There’s a bit of a sweet very baby queer storyline/subplot with a little boy who decides that if he only has x days he’s going to be a girl for the rest of them. 
Heather: Oh, interesting. I’ll find out where to watch that! Thank you for the tip!

My other request was that we could submit life situations to Erin and she could recommend an outfit e.g. Today I needed a work outfit that would ensure the slightly handsy guy I had to meet would get strong don’t touch me vibes. Cheers!
Rachel: Oh man I also want this, for myself. What do you think, Erin.

Laneia: WAIT SOMETHING LIKE THIS IS ACTUALLY IN THE WORKS. Y’all I need a time-turner and a barista. We have too many good ideas.

Does everyone know how cool and hot and talented Canadian musician Ria Mae is?? & she’s from Canada’s lady-gay capitol Halifax, would love to see her covered in some stuff ’round here
Riese: I JUST DISCOVERED THIS HUMAN BEING and spent honestly an unreasonable amount of time trying to figure out if she was single or not. I believe I also alerted our deputy music editor Mey Rude to this person’s existence so we’re ready 4 u.

I really like the great coverage of the election, including both the serious & comical aspects. How about articles on Jeff Sessions being considered for US Attorney General. His racist past is being brought up in the mainstream media, but what is his record on LGBTQ issues? Also, the North Carolina governor’s race is yet to be called bc closeness,hearings re: fraud,etc.—-Keep it goin’!
Riese: I have an ongoing post about all of Trump’s cabinet picks that require senate confirmation based on how much fear they inspire in my heart and you can read that post and read about Jeff Sessions in that post right here right now right here.

Please Autostraddle do a list of horrid hallmark movies. I am living at home and they are always on and I want to off myself. THEY ARE SO BAD. THE MEN ALWAYS KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR EVERY WOMAN. IT IS SO AWFUL. I NEED SOMEONE TO COMPLAIN WITH.
Riese: Have you read my Christmas Movie drinking game? You should!

I hope we get an article or something about Moana soon, the newest Disney Princess is a badass Pacific Islander who sails her own boat, defeats the bad guy and saves her tribe. I cried twice watching it, it’s so overflowing with girl power.
Heather: I know just the person to write about this and it’s Mey Rude; though I must warn you: there’s surely no way she’s going to have loved it as much as she loved Zootopia.

Could we ever have another college series, or better yet, a grad school series? I would be eternally appreciative.
Laneia: I have noted this request! I miss the college series and I think we might be in a better position to get a more diverse look at the ~ college experience ~ etc.

QUEER LADY FOOD BLOG ROUNDUP? or craft blog? or just DIY domestic blogs that have less conversation about men
Laneia: I have also noted this request! Please send suggestions to me on Twitter if you have them!

Motion to get the autostraddle book club up and running again! I know that you all did one a while ago with The Argonauts and I did not participate. I’m in school right now, so reading outside of school is tough BUT I think it would be great to start up the AS book club again. I think with enough plugs (in the newsletter, in a post, etc.) and reminders during the month or so that we should be reading, we could get a cool discussion going, especially if the discussion was planned in a live thread like friday open thread.
Riese: Yes you are correct and this is important and we should do it.

I know we all like to joke about being Home Depot Lesbians, but in all seriousness I am (and a lot of my friends are) at a point economically where we can afford to rent or own decent spaces, but not hire people to fix them for us. Could we get some basics of home repair/pluming/electrical crap/woodworking/etc. or at least recommendations for tools and power tools that aren’t a million dollars or super shitty? I imagine during the coming political and economic storm many of us will be DIY-ing it up even more than usual.
Riese: You know what this sounds like a really cool idea and I would love to have it on our website! Now we just have to figure out who could write it. Also I would not recommend doing your own plumbing! It’s worth the expense.

I’ve been in Saskatchewan for the past few days visiting my grandfather. He is currently dying of cancer and Autostraddle has been my escape. I’m not out to most of my extended family and some of them are very homophobic. Having a place, even a virtual one, where I’m welcome and safe has made a huge difference. Thank you for doing what you do.

I NEED ADVICE

My partner and I have been going out for about a year and a half. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs (always loving and respectful through it all) and for some reason I go through periods of intensely wondering if she and I are “right”/”meant to be”, if I’m feeling what I’m “supposed to” be feeling, and so on. Then the feelings will kind of go away and I’ll be content. Then I wonder and worry again. This is my first relationship ever (tho I am in my late 20’s, so ya know) and so I worry that I don’t know what I “SHOULD” be feeling due to lack of experience. I don’t have that *spark* that everyone goes on and on about (I did at the very beginning… but have friends who have been together for 6 years and still have that!). What I DO feel is love and comfort and extreme openness and honesty. When I hug her, I feel at home. But is that enough? Does the spark eventually turn to comfortable love for some people? (sidenote: I think y’all will probably say “well, asker, that is for YOU to decide”. But I’m really looking for validation and support here, guys). ALSO sidenote: “spark” for me has always been an issue. I don’t really feel attraction easily (maybe some unexplored asexualuality going on). Halp plz :(
Yvonne: I think we’re fed this idea that love is supposed to feel a certain way and look a certain way since we’re kids. Isn’t the whole “spark” thing and “meant to be” bullshit part of heteronormativity too? Like weren’t we supposed to feel that with the man of our dreams? or prince charming? And weren’t we supposed to fall in love at first sight and live happily ever after? I think society pushes these expectations on us and people don’t tell you that love is hard work and takes a lot of communication and trust and honesty and you won’t always have that giddy/excited feeling of when you first met your person. I’m unclear what “spark” means to you too. Do you mean sexually? Do you mean like how you feel about the person? I think based on what you said you have a great relationship. I think feeling comfortable with your partner is fine but you probably don’t want to feel complacent with your partner. You should feel excited to grow with your partner and feel like you can continue to build with them in all aspects of your life.

You may not be able to help, but I kind of just wanted to unload, and see if you had any suggestions for coping. A-camp was so wonderful, for those few days I was happier and more comfortable in my skin than I think I ever have been. I got home, riding high on all the good vibes, and immediately learned that the man who is basically my second dad died unexpectedly that morning. I am really struggling, and now one of the things that triggers me is thinking about how wonderful camp was. I can’t seem to separate the happiness from the loss that just hurts so badly. I’m in therapy, but all she says is that it’s all grief and that those two things will probably just be linked for a while. Not helpful. I get that I’m grieving, but I just want to be able to look back on camp as the queer utopia that it was, rather than the immediate precursor to this awful event. Thanks for listening (reading?).
Riese: If it makes you feel any better, my girlfriend Marni and I broke up a few days after A-Camp 5.0 and my girlfriend Abby and I broke up a few days after A-Camp 7.5. I know that this is not the same thing as death! (I KNOW FROM DEATH) but like, I totally get having an experience in a place that is followed up by something terrible. I didn’t have a very good camp at 5.0, so in that case, it’s not like my breakup with Marni ruined it. But I definitely was not in a space to recamp, I can tell ya that! 7.5 though was a really amazing camp, both the camp itself and my relationship at the time of camp, and it was hard to reconcile that when the break-up happened, which I definitely hadn’t been expecting. My stomach still hurts just thinking about it, you know? But honestly, the best way to fix all that is to go back, and soak it up all over again. 6.0 was my favorite camp of all time (7.5 is my second-favorite)!

My flex spending company told me the IRS doesn’t consider menstruation products to be eligible for my FSA. What the actual fuck? Is this legit and/or how do we change this??
Heather: That is correct and it’s so fucked up. Menstruation products are only FSA eligible if you have — I’m not kidding — a written note from your doctor, and the note has to explain that the products are being used for a “medical condition” that is not simply you bleeding freely from your vagina every month. This is literally the only thing I can think of to improve your mood upon consuming that information.

Hi autostraddle! I am in need of some help. I currently live in the suburbs of Minneapolis and am wanting to move into the city. But Minneapolis like many popular cities is undergoing major gentrification and displacing folks with lower incomes. I really don’t want to be a part of that, but do want to move into the city for all it offers (being closer to friends, walkability, etc). Any suggestions on how to balance these two seemingly conflicting desires? Many thanks!!
Riese: We answered this in the podcast!

I feel like one of the “adult things” I have yet to do is put together a tool kit for myself. Any tips?
Riese: Go to Home Depot, find a friendly neighborhood butch lesbian, and ask her how to “put together a tool kit.” Then ask her if she can write about it for Autostraddle.

hi so i am completely at a loss. i just found out one of my roommates/close friends that i really trusted a lot and thought i knew really well voted for trump. she has been not only completely insensitive to the utter panic and despondency of everyone around her but actually annoyed that we are all so upset, and upset with her. i have decided to take a few days or weeks to just not speak to her and try to process on my own before i do anything but i really don’t know how to move forward with this. i both fail to understand how she made this decision since it does not help her (a queer disabled woman) or anyone she loves, and since it was a blindsiding shock to all of us, and do not know how to continue to live with her. i feel the need to educate her on why this is actually such a colossal deal but i’m not sure how. i also don’t want my falling out with her to affect my friendships with other people in our friend group, as i can’t force them to also cut ties (even though i’m fairly certain that there is nothing she could do to make me personally continue to be friends with her.) help??
Rachel: I think, if you’ve decided that you do want to talk to her about it, you need to take some time to develop your talking points. Obviously there are almost infinite reasons why this person’s choice was terrible, but for the purposes of your eventual convo with her, I would maybe pick like three that are most relevant to your life — specific policies he and his cabinet have promised to enact or revoke that would impact you — and focus on them, make sure you really know your stuff on those issues inside and out. Decide what you want the end goal of this conversation to be — do you think you might change her mind? Do you want to make sure she understands why you’re ending her friendship with her? Based on what you come up with, figure out how and when you want to talk to her. The basic message is going to be “I’m changing our relationship in [this way] based upon your decision to vote for Trump, because this decision is a direct attack on my wellbeing. Through issues X, Y and Z, Trump’s administration will actively harm me, and I don’t feel comfortable being friends with you knowing that you helped enable that to happen, whether you personally wanted those things or not.” If you want to add an additional message about what she should do now or what she would need to do to earn your respect again, then it would go here, with specific and concrete asks. As for affecting other friendships in your group, unfortunately I’m not sure there’s much you can do to make sure that doesn’t happen — but that’s her fault, not yours! I would tell your other friends “This is how I’m handling this situation with her for my own reasons; you can handle it how you want, and I’ll respect that; I hope you do the same for me.”

How do I find the motivation to pursue my dream job of facilitating activism through creative work, I doubt that there will be funding for those jobs anymore; I doubt I’ll be able to make a living doing that. Sure there is a huge need, but no one is going to pay me. I’m about to graduate college, I’m trying to apply to a grad program, but what’s the point?
Riese: Maybe it’s not a bad idea to wait out the term in grad school. Get all the internships and education you need to do the work you want to do and work hard in three years to get somebody besides Donald Trump in office after he leaves, assuming G-d refuses to answer my prayers for immediate apocalypse on January 19th. I mean I kind of do a thing where I facilitate activism through creative work, so listen — it’s possible. Even if it’s something you have to piece together with other gigs.

I’ve just left my partner of almost five years to move back to my home country, I had a lot of reasons for the choice but I’m second guessing myself to hell and back. I really have to try and believe I’ve made the right choice for me even if my heart is breaking right now. Any advice for someone newly single and heartbroken? Trying to stop myself going crazy over this.
Laneia: I believe you have made the correct decision! I’m sorry for your heartbreak and self-doubt. Stick to your plan and be radically honest with yourself every single step of the way.

Are y’all working on a “How To Talk To Your Racist Relatives” piece? I want to do it, but I’m scared. Help?
Riese: This is a great idea!

Rachel: While we work on that, SURJ has put this toolkit together on the subject!

I was wondering if any of you could speak about advocacy and fighting/standing up for lgbtq issues while still in the closet, specifically in a family environment or a work environment. I know that all of you are out, but maybe someone has some previous experience or advice from when they weren’t. I think a lot of people are going to need this in the next few months.
Rachel: I’m not necessarily all the way out to family members/extended family! That said I don’t think you need to be out to advocate for LGBTQ issues, and for some people it probably actually increases your ethos if they don’t know you’re queer. I don’t think there’s any reason why not being out needs to be an obstacle; in the same way that a white person can speak up and say “hey that’s really messed up, why would you say that?” when someone says something racist in a family or work environment, you can respond to things without needing to out yourself or compromise your safety. Although some advocacy, like Harvey Milk’s campaign for people to come out to their families, can rely on being out, there’s a lot of fundamental utility in giving homophobic/transphobic people a sense that people will think less of them and openly show it if they share their views, and that they should be uncomfortable and ashamed about having them.

please help! one of my friends (straight, male, majority-race) keeps sharing stuff like this on facebook and i don’t know whether it’s his gender and race privilege speaking, or if maybe he has a point. as a queer cis-woman who’s officially of the majority race in my country (but with mixed ancestry that goes unrecognised officially), i don’t know how i feel about it. i still want to be friends with him because we go way back, but every time he shares something on facebook i get this knee-jerk anxiety response.
Laneia: If you think you disagree with what he’s sharing, and you take the time to read it with an open mind and you find that you do indeed disagree with what he’s sharing, I guess it’s up to you to decide if it’s worth your time to go through all of these steps every time he shares a thing on the off-chance that one thing he shares might make you change your mind about something you believe in.

My ex was emotionally manipulative and I finally broke up with her after a lot of years. All my friends and family are happy for me and have told me that she was never good enough for me, that they didn’t understand why I stayed with her. That they saw how depressed I was, and how possessive she was. Faced with all of this, I am struggling with a lot of anger towards myself. Why did I put up with all the bullshit for so long? Why didn’t I value myself enough? Can you help me figure out how do I deal with how angry I am, against myself and her?
Riese: I imagine you stayed because you love her, yes? I mean people do crazy-ass shit because of love all the time. Or maybe ’cause you’re patient and kind and you thought you could make her better or because you were scared of what would happen if you left. Or because she manipulated you until you couldn’t tell up from down. That’s what abusers do! Honestly, there’s probably not much benefit in beating yourself up for not valuing yourself enough to leave, although I’d suggest going to therapy to work out those feelings just to ensure you don’t make the same mistake again. Understanding why you ignored red flags or brushed off alarming behavior is important! As for your anger with her… I don’t know how to make that stop. Maybe somebody else does. I mean truly my best idea in this department is to sign up for kickboxing lessons.

It’s a deary monday morning. But you know what? There are children in this world that were born after AS started, meaning they have always lived with Autostraddle as part of the world. And as they grow older and maybe some of the find their queerness they likely will find this website. Queer youth finding this wonderful community and resource!!! That brings a smile to my face <3

How do I navigate dating a really hot girl who is 10 years older than me? I’ve gotten both good and bad advice and I’m throwing out a queer signal right now for help.
Riese: Get a t-shirt with a picture of Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor on it, and wear it every day until you run into her. Go to a bar, and ask the DJ to play “I don’t wanna lose your love” by the outfield and then ask her to dance and plan a really cute dance move that involves pointing at her with sexy facial expressions during the line “you know I like my girls a little bit older” and then maybe try a little spin around the rosie. Or, you know, talk about how you used to have crushes on your teachers and really liked Loving Annabelle. She could be insecure that she’s too old and haggard for you, so maybe be like “hey, I love my girls a little bit haggard, please pass the potatoes” when you’re having a meal that involves potatoes as a side dish and everybody is sitting around a large table. NO BUT SERIOUSLY: I was 10 years older than my ex, and she definitely had to make a lot of initial moves to convince me this was the path she wanted to embark upon, but I think it’s like picking up any girl, you know? Whether or not you “click” will have more to do with your personalities than her age, but just make sure that you’re both at the same life stage — if she’s looking for something more serious than you are, then it’s best to move on and not waste her time. But if you’re both looking for the same thing and you click then you’re good! We have a few articles on this topic.

How do I efficiently accumulate more gold fish in Neko Atsume? The home screens post has given me confidence that you will be able to advise me; I really need fancy virtual cat furniture in this day and age.
Riese: Save up for the Yard Expansion which gives you more space to put more things out which gives you more potential for gold. There are certain items which get you more gold fish like the green cushion, yellow cushion, beach umbrella, Kotatsu, tunnel. So save up for those things, put those things out, and then save up for a yard expansion. Did you like how I just wrote all that like I knew what I was talking about? I have no idea what I’m talking about but I’m sitting at a table with Cee so I asked them and this is what they told me and now I am telling YOU.

After the recent article I saw about supporting the cause in general I thought now was a good time to sing up to A+ my girlfriend has been an avid supporter and given recent news I’m putting more more money to support a good cause. I’ve been lucky enough to have a nice pay increase this year and recent news has spurred me to set up some of the support I’d said I would put in place when I got it. In light of recent news I decided A+ was as worthy cause as any of the closer to home charity I am also supporting (UK) So I guess I just thought since I have this little box I would say ‘hello’ and ‘thank you’.

I was dumped out of nowhere by the girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with about four months ago. In the midst of picking up the pieces of my heart, moving out of our place, getting my shit together and putting on a brave face, etc etc, I started dating again. But I was very clear from the get go: I am not ready for anything serious, I am really fragile, I just want to go on dates and have a fun time. Still coping. Still grieving. Still managing myself. Barely. After a smattering of terrible dates (and lovely dates with people who I felt nothing for) I started seeing a girl who seemed amazing. The problem is, she’s moving WAY too fast for me, and it’s only been a month. Like, a few weeks in she was already talking about how she wants to marry me and have my babies. And not as a joke. For real. She’s not just telling me – she’s told all her friends, her colleagues. Her parents. Everyone. When this started happening I told her to rein it in, and that it was too much too soon, and she managed that for a couple of days but then it just went back to the way it was and then more. I have tried to match her in this and have feelings but it hasn’t worked and now I am now totally freaked out and don’t know what to do. I feel like she won’t even accept it if I break up with her – that she will just refuse to listen to me and insist that we are meant to be together. Her intensity is overwhelming. I just want to hide under my doona and not do anything, but that’s not an option. And amidst all this there are a bunch of other red flags that are popping up that make me go NOPE. Can’t do this. Help? PS Also if you could do a “how to be single again following being in relationships your whole life” post that would be very helpful. Because I appear to be useless at it.
Laneia: You should probably stop seeing this person. Let 2017 be the year you give careful respect and attention to the red flags in your life. RADICAL HONESTY.

Hi wisewomen! I’m sending this hoping for advice or maybe a panel of how others experience in handling the following problem has played out: I’m desperately writing to you at my and my coworkers wits end. We have been dealing with 2 male coworkers that are both liberal, one is gay, that think they are shining examples of feminists and allies to women who have been undermining and disrespecting us when we are their direct supervisors and when we are just coworkers. We have tried talking to them personally, talking to them through our direct supervisors, we now work in separate programs, but still together daily. We just talked to them with their new direct supervisor, who thanked us for wanting to talk instead of be resentful. But today we’re rebuked by our supervisor (maybe both) for continuing to complain about them. I can’t figure out how we(the more experienced women) are the ones in trouble when it’s the 2 charming attractive guys, who can’t fucking do their jobs right. This seems like a classic example of patriarchy playing out. We work at a small school and there is no HR depth or anything like that, just a bunch of people who don’t listen to each other, esp the admin. Thanks for any advice or just a pep talk :) Lindsay
Heather: Lindsay, I sure do wish I could give you some practical advice for overcoming this ALL TOO COMMON scenario, but it’s just so everywhere and it sounds like you’ve taken the professional and mature steps you needed to do to make your supervisors aware of it. Aaaaaand they ended up blaming you for it. Although, perhaps you will enjoy Laura’s six strategies for reluctantly talking to men in your male-dominated workplace! My girlfriend deals with this ALL THE TIME in her office too. My best advice is to not back down, keep sharing your ideas and forcing people to give you credit for them, and then, when you’re not at work, spend as much time in queer-normative spaces as possible! Hang out here! Go out with other queer pals! Watch Supergirl and join in Valerie Anne’s live-tweet (#QueerEl). This is probably going to be a problem you’ll face you’re whole life, but you’ll slowly chip away at these patriarchal norms and get better at it and stronger and it and be an unstoppable force of goodness and wonder in this world!

I need a gender neutral term for my niece and nephew to call me. My own kids call me Baba, and I’m comfortable with that. Aunt is out. We’ve been using Uncle, but it doesn’t feel right. Other ideas?
Laneia: Have you considered Captain? They could shorten it to Cap. I’m being serious.

I hope you guys are going to write about the life and sadly premature death of Saint Harridan. Check this out.
Heather: Yes! Yes, I love that! Nothern-Barbarian mentioned this in the comments of The New Gay Agenda and I’ve watched it about five time since then!

When you post pieces about things with which I don’t have personal experience (say, Carrie’s new series on disabled love), I often want to express how much I like the piece and how much I’ve learned from it. But I also don’t want to take up space from people who do share that identity, and I don’t want to make things all about me. Is it better for me to just appreciate the post silently, in my own head, or there a way to respectfully and appropriately express my admiration?
Rachel: I think in general most writers appreciate hearing a general “Thank you, I loved reading this” (although of course I don’t want to speak for Carrie or anyone else!) and I don’t think it necessarily needs to be followed with explaining what you learned. I DO think that a great happy medium here, if you use social media, is to share the article in question on your social media platforms and talk THERE about how you learned from it, because then you’re helping that piece reach a wider audience, an audience which includes people who do share that identity and people like you who don’t and who could learn. Win/win!

Hi priority contact box editor(s), I’m not very good at commenting on things and the internet makes me feel really ridiculous in a fish-bowley way but this little box here feels very safe (after a few Sunday afternoon drinks) to express my affection and admiration for you, dear editors. I also work in media in a relatively specialized field so I understand how hard this thing is to do. I mean, granted, it’s much harder to be an independent wlw website in a world that does not take kindly to nasty queer women. This week I got my special gold and silver scissoring shirt as well as some pins. I became an A+ member and made that order the same day I heard AfterEllen was shutting down. Even though I found AfterEllen first, I’ve always loved you the best and I want to make sure I’m doing everything possible to contribute to the cause. I will gladly pay 1 billion more Canadian dollars for everything – that’s how much I love you. PS I put my “Misandrist” pin on my cat pencil case and I can’t wait to get into an argument with this guy who thinks misandry is a Real Thing.

MISC

Since AfterEllen has left us can you guys continue with the LezBiBuy thing to identify and list lesbian-owned business so we can shop there?
Riese: OH WE SURE DID!

Thank you so, so, so much for Follow Your Arrow. Reading it every time has helped me build up the courage to leave a comfy job and jump into a cooperative that does work I care about!
Laneia: This is amazing!! Beth is moving this column and Fool’s Journey to once per month so she can focus on bringing you another column about a personal project she’s working on with her partner, so this is very full-circle and great!

What are your Myers-Briggs personality types? Do you think they suit you?
Laneia: I don’t know mine and when I tried to find a way to take the test online I became overwhelmed and sad about paying $50 to have someone tell me things about myself. So I still don’t know mine. UPDATE: INTJ

Heather: INFP. One of the funniest things I ever read was an INFP breakdown that was like, “INFPs are good at talking about their feelings, especially when they can do so by making everything an analogy to their favorite story.” That’s probably funny to you too if you’ve ever read a recap I’ve written or talked to me for more than five minutes. #HarryPotter

Yvonne: INFJ

Rachel: ISFJ

Riese: INFJ

Heather: And that’s why you should never ask any of our advice about leaving the house.

I love Autostraddle and I just wanted to say thank you for everything you do. Right now, we need you more than ever. If we’re already an A+ member, what else can we do to support you? Sending love and hugs <3
Riese: Hello I love you too and this post holds the answers to all of your questions.

HEY!! Did you know NANCY REAGAN had LESBIAN GODMOTHERS???? Just found this out researching “sewing circles” and heres a link to the image of Alla Nazimova with her partner of 45 years Glesca Marshall and NANCY DAVIS(later Reagan) 
Riese: TALK SEWING CIRCLES TO ME ALL DAY, BABY! Here’s another link I bet you’ll like a whole lot.

Hey. I decided to jump down an Autostraddle wormhole today and read articles from June 2013, which was when I went to my first gay/lesbian bar – the original Phase 1 in DC. This was roughly eight months before I realized I’m queer, so I’m appreciating the AS archives a little extra today.
Laneia: This pleases me verily.

Are any of y’all doing NaNoWriMo? If so, can we talk about how (since the universe hates us and refuses to give us representation) we’re just fucking making it ourselves? Last year for NaNoWriMo I wrote a story about a virus that turns cishets into zombies, and within two chapters there were only queer characters left!
Heather: This is over now, but let me tell you who you should follow for all your queer NaNo needs: Lucy Hallowell. She did the #QueerMoWriMo group for the third time this year and is always hustling and writing novels and pitching and offering support and advice to other gay writers.

when i was at the grocery store earlier, i saw rachel’s doppelganger. kept running into her in different aisles and had to try really hard not to stare, though in hindsight i’d love to know how it would have gone explaining “oh, yeah, you look exactly like a senior editor of a queer women’s website i read.”
Rachel: WHAT IF IT WAS ME. Was she spending a long time trying to pick out Amy’s frozen meals?

Hello! I was wondering – I hail from London, and would like to write for you. However, is there a way to do that pseudonymously? I’m not quite out really, but have a lot of contribute that I think could be of interest. However I appreciate that you might prefer openness in your writers for the sake of the site’s integrity. Just wanted to check! Thanks Inkspot
Riese: Unfortunately no… we really do only take writers who are willing to show their faces and use their actual names. We’ve made a few exceptions like when the information shared would’ve ruined their life (stuff about drug addiction, for example), but generally we try to stick to that criteria.

This has been sitting in my outbox for ages, I didn’t know who to send it to so here goes. At the mental health panel at a-camp 7.5, it was said that people don’t ever really get over eating disorders, and it’s with you for life in some capacity. I was really disappointed that that message was spread because it is untrue – I used to have an eating disorder, and I can say I am now completely free of it. When I was in my eating disorder, I could not imagine a life in which I was not controlled by food. I heard people express the sentiment that it was impossible to ever really be free, and I would just have to learn to manage it, which was awful and heart wrenching to hear, and confirmed my worst fears. I am so lucky that I met two separate people who with confidence told me it was absolutely possible to fully get past it, that they knew I would and that they had themselves. This gave me hope and allowed the possibility in my mind to imagine another life. With their help, I did heal and learn and now I can 100% say I do not have an eating disorder anymore. Sometimes, I feel guilty about what I eat or want to eat, and sometimes, I judge my body and feel that it is inadequate, however I do not believe these are a manifestation of an eating disorder anymore – they are unfortunately fairly normal results of being a woman in our society. The power these thoughts have over me is completely different than the way they ruled my life when I was in my eating disorder. It breaks my heart to hear people believe they can’t ever be free of an eating disorder and I think it is so so harmful to spread that message. It is simply not true. Unfortunately I think many ED recovery programs do more harm than good, and it took me many tries to find what worked for me. However it is SO possible and I just want people to know that! You absolutely do not have to resign to it always being there on some level.
Riese: Okay, it was me! You’re talking about me and the thing I said. I think I was approaching the question from the perspective of wanting to manage expectations for somebody who was struggling with it —  to say that you can still radically transform your behavior to not be eating disordered even if it still lurks under the surface and demands to be seen and heard. Like personally I am very much recovered from my ED and haven’t had a relapse in over ten years, but I don’t think I could say with certainty that it’s GONE FOREVER. Sort of like alcoholism, I guess. I didn’t think of what I said as telling people not to have any hope for getting better — quite the opposite actually! I wanted to say that even if it’s still there inside you, you can still get better and be better, potentially forever. I hope that makes sense.

Should I or should I not watch the last two episodes of OITNB? I already know what happens because it’s impossible to avoid spoilers for so long. I know I will cry. TBH, I did not like this season at all because it beat the audience over the head with racism and I feel like the audience deserves a more nuanced presentation of issues regarding racism, sexism, etc. I’m thinking about giving up on the show altogether, but what if next season is good again? Ugh, this is how they hook you…
Laneia: I decided not to watch them and I feel pretty good about it.

Heather: Agree. Skip ’em.

So I have my A+ sticker – thank you! It’s so classy and cute. Pro – I want to have it with me all the time as a bit of a talisman. Con – I’m not out, and even with the people who know, AS is ‘my space’ so I don’t want to advertise it to everyone…. Fun ideas of where I can stick it?!
Heather: Could you put it in the inside of your Kindle cover? On the back of your phone inside a phone case? If you sleep on a bottom bunk, on the bottom of the top bunk so you can see it at night when you go to sleep? Inside the front cover of your journal or planner?

So awhile back Ali posted an article which talked about the amazing podcast app Pocket Casts. I wanted to say that it’s available on iOS now (previously Android) and also there’s a web app form too. It’s really slick. Thanks to Ali for saying something about it!!
Laneia: SLICK.

I am leaving this here because the recap isn’t up yet.. but HOLY SHIT SUPERGIRL FEELS… watched Crossfire.. and am currently trying to pull myself together enough to go teach at 1:30 (Only gave myself 1.5 hrs to recoup). HOLY HOLY FEELINGS
Heather: KISS THE GIRLS YOU WANNA KISS, READER.

I’m not sure how much you’re up for it, but promo shots for “Emerald City” have gone up. It looks very female heavy.
Heather: Valerie Anne who is on top of all of these things also says Dorothy looks like a 1000% badass and she will write about it if anything gets gay!

Relevant to our interests, there is a period coloring book. Thought Laneia and others might enjoy: http://blog.helloclue.com/post/152680252606
Laneia: Bless your heart!! I do enjoy this.

HI! Remember when Steven Bannon, former head of exactlywhatswrongwithAmerica.com said this: “in fact, the women that would lead this country would be feminine, they would be pro-family, they would have husbands, they would love their children. They wouldn’t be a bunch of dykes that came from the 7 Sisters schools.” I would like to purchase an autostraddle t-shirt/crewneck/tank with the phrase “dyke from the 7 sister schools” on it. TY!
Heather: What if we just bought the seven sisters schools and started a self-governing queer commune on them?

Only a couple of days left for a Kickstarter for Raised by Wolves to get a third season. It’s based on the childhood of Caitlin Moran who, yes, is quite a white feminist, but one of the six kids (Aretha) has been gradually revealed to be one of us, especially in season 2 with a crush on a teacher who of course turned out to have a boyfriend. Aretha came close to coming out to her sister in the last ep of season 2 and I’d love to see her journey continue but there would need to be lots more Kickstarter pledges soon.
Heather: I saw that it didn’t make it but I did read that Caitlin Moran has some other cool things in the works! Two films, an movie adaptation of her book, and a musical about Bill Murray!

RIESEEE! have you seen Lesbritney new video??? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RRY3OVqtwc first time ever I see her acting lesbionic :…D
Riese: THANK YOU FOR ALERTING ME TO THIS VALUABLE PIECE OF MUSICAL MEDIA YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING IT POP UP IN A POST VERY SOON.

I love AS and I comment frequently but not on bisexual and trans articles. Those comment threads can be so nasty
Laneia: We do what we must in this world!

No huge news here – just a fun music video you might enjoy. ^_^ The Regrettes, “A Living Human Girl“: 
Heather: Well, thank you! I enjoyed this! Everyone should click on this link and also enjoy it!

Audrey’s recent You Need Help post featured a picture of my wife Rachel Maddow and reminded me of how much I love Rachel Maddow (and Audrey). Thus I humbly request that, if you have the time, you talk about Rachel Maddow more. She’s so smart and beautiful, I feel like she deserves an appreciation post!
Heather: Audrey also deserves an appreciation post now that you mention it.

Riese do you still love Ani DiFranco? you used to talk about her constantly. I listened to Canon the other day and was amazed at how much of a comfort it was to hear those songs again & thought about how much you used to talk about her as a common language between you and so many others.
Riese: I do still love Ani DiFranco’s music, listen to Ani with passion, and Ani will always hold a special place in my heart. She fucked up really bad not too long ago and although she apologized, I think that’s probably why I talk about her less than I used to. But listen the woman is a masterful lyricist and nobody else will ever compare to the glory of her glory.

dear rachel i saw your picture on the uwm/ccr website because i’m considering applying and it felt both like a good sign and like seeing your teacher at the grocery store or like doing something wrong so i felt i had to confess? anyway do you work there? do you like it? you looked good in the picture and like your words were sounding good and your work was paying off. happy wednesday!
Rachel: Oh this is so funny and cute! Once when I really was a teacher I ran into a student and his PARENTS while I was buying a thirty-rack of beer and a handle of vodka, so this is actually way better than seeing your teacher at the grocery store. I don’t work for the university, technically, but I do live in MKE and right now I’m a visiting scholar at the UWM LGBTQ Studies Program for a year. I had an interview with my friend Iliana published in CCR, and then they invited me to read at an event of theirs, which is I think what that photos is from. I do like both Milwaukee and the university, for the most part, although if you’re considering applying you should know that a) funding for the LGBTQ Studies Program was very severely cut this year and they are being forced to run on a really bare-bones department, and also that b) the Wisconsin state government is on a crusade to cut like all funding from the public university system in general, so um, that’s not great. At least they have an LGBTQ Studies Program to defund? Anyways feel free to email me if you have questions about Milwaukee, and if you have questions about the university I probably can’t answer them but could maybe put you in touch with people who can!

Is having a buzz cut/shaved head an Alternative Lifestyle Haircut?
Yvonne: Yup

Ali Ali Ali! Can we discuss our feelings re: everyone’s favroite gay paladin Lady Kima of Vord? She smashed a guy in the face for hurting her GF. She cried. There were kisses. I’m maybe a liiiiittle too invested in this show
Ali: For those who have no idea what we’re talking about, watch Critical Role on Geek and Sundry’s Twitch channel. Catch up here before you start watching live. It’s not always perfect, but damn, it’s wonderful. If you’re not ALL THE WAY CAUGHT UP, beware, there are spoilers ahead.

Okay, so, here are many of my feelings regarding Lady Kima. It’s not all of my feelings, because articulating all of my feelings into real English words is impossible—some of it is just animalistic excitement noises that emanate from my soul. But can I just say how happy I am to have Ladies Kima and Allura together at last in a fantasy setting AND a tabletop game? Because I so often see queer ladies skipped over in fantasy settings like, what, we can’t see ourselves in our fantasies? WTF IS THAT ABOUT? And of course I want all the queer ladies in the extra-nerdy stuff because it helps disrupt nerd masculinity, which is often a toxic masculinity that convinces smart white boys that they’re an oppressed class. I actually think nerd masculinity and the neo-Nazi movement we’re seeing in the US right now feed each other—they certainly share the same online spaces! So anything that a group of nerdy voice actors playing dungeons and dragons can do to disrupt that and to insert diversity into a world that is often not made for diversity is A+ (now if we could get some more people of color to play on the show, that’d be grand)!

I also love that she was never NOT queer. It was apparent right from the start, as soon as Grog and other members of the party started hitting on her, that she was not here for it. And as soon as we met her, I was like, that halfling is a lesbian. Also, speaking of when we met her, she’s also a survivor of sexual assault! That takes no shit about it and is in a successful relationship as she recovers! Gosh, I fucking love it.

And I actually think Matt Mercer, a straight (maybe? Maybe I’m wrong?) DM, does a really good job with his queer NPCs. When he talks about them, it gets a little “well, there’s no difference, etc.” for me, but in practice, I think he DOES understand the difference and the need for representation. After all, ALL HIS MOST POWERFUL MAGIC USERS ARE QUEERMOS SO THAT MEANS WE ARE MAGIC.

Fan art via Lottie

When is Dorothy Snarker gonna start writing for AS?
Heather: I’ve talked to her about recapping The Good Wife spin-off! She’s excited about it and I hope we can work it out! It was very weird how AfterEllen shut down right as the shows Snarker recapped aired their series finales. And TV has been mostly butts since then. But I am hopeful for 2017 and I know Snarker is too!

The CW tv show “No Tomorrow” has had a multi-episode story about Kareema (one of the secondary characters, a co-worker and friend of the female lead) falling in love with another woman. It is featured about as much as Pippy and TMI on Rosewood. Kareema is, as best I can tell, a polyamorous pansexual. The woman she falls in love with is engaged to Kareema’s brother solely for a green card. The brother is in love with her and when he realizes she’s fallen for someone else, he backs out of the marriage (even though she previously did disclose that she was only marrying him for the paperwork). When that falls through, Kareema offers to marry her instead. They are shown to be bonkers-level attracted to each other. Despite that Kareema has always previously been cynical about love and to only engage in casual sex, she is finding herself falling in love and unable to be casual about the situation. “No Tomorrow” is not anything special in general, but they have gone all in on this relationship and it’s given at least as much respect as any of the others on the show.
Heather: Well, well, well. I will ask Valerie Anne, Queen of all CW TV, to watch this!

OMG!!!! Y’ALL!!! Two canonically queer characters on NCIS:NOLA tonight!! One was introduced at the beginning of the season, Tammy Gregorio played by Vanessa Ferlito, and tonight they introduced her ex, a lawyer who works with the FBI played by Meghan Ory. Meghan Ory is not on the IMDb page but was credited onscreen. She also played Red on Once Upon A Time, another canonically queer character. Just really needed to tell you all!!!!! @HeatherHogan
Heather: I had heard this was going to happen but didn’t know it had actually happened! I will check it out! Thank you for the hot tip!

hi, do you have any idea why every time i see lady gaga in a music video riese comes to my mind?
Riese: I have a few theories: 1. We used to write about Lady Gaga a lot, back when I was one of our only writers and me and Alex were obsessed with Lady Gaga, 2. People used to tell Alex and I that we looked like Lady Gaga, which we came to understand was because we share the same bad facial feature: a weak chin. 3. This?

Alex and Riese as Adam Lambert and Lady Gaga

This is a tech question for Ali, because I don’t know who else to ask. I don’t really have any super-techie friends I can ask at the moment. Do you know anything about rooting an android phone? There’s this software bug with bluetooth on android and from all I can find via the google, it seems like the way to “fix” it (temporarily anyway) is to root the device and mess around with an otherwise inaccessible file. I started reading about rooting, and everything I can find says something like CAREFUL YOU COULD REALLY MESS THINGS UP IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!! I don’t know what I’m doing, but I want to fix the issue.

Heather: Ali asked me to share these two links with you and also to tell you: “also a small thing on breaking your device: the way that people begin to know what they’re doing is by breaking something. that’s a small comfort when you’re paying to replace the thing you broke. but it’s how we get better at stuff.”

Tracer, from Blizzard’s Overwatch is canonically dating a woman.
Heather: Ain’t that the truth. 

GAY TRACER FROM OVERWATCH Y/Y
Heather: THE TRUTH, I SAID!

Where did commenter Freakazoid go?
Heather: That is a good question. I will ask about them in the next Pop Culture Fix!

I’m confused because awhile ago I thought you guys said AfterEllen was shutting down but it seems like it is very much not shut down can someone clarify?
Heather: Welllllllll. Evolve hired a new editor who signed a Take The L Out Of LGBT Petition, deleted Elaine Atwell’s byline from everything she ever wrote on AfterEllen when Elaine made the petition public, and has, um, gone on some Lesbian Not Queer Spaces crusades since she took over. They’re also just republishing a lot of old content and acting like it’s new? It’s a very convoluted situation. On the plus side, all the people you love from AfterEllen will be writing for us this year.

effing dykes is back!!! obvi y’all are my favorite but that was my first, and I love you both in your own special ways. 2016 isn’t all trash!
Laneia: BLESS.

Hi! I just wanted to give everyone at Autostraddle a high-five for the awesome interviews featured on this site. I’m continually impressed by who has been interviewed for the site and how early career-wise people whose work I love and care about have been interviewed in the past.

Election Feelings

It’s election morning, I just woke up from a nightmare that Trump won and shut down autostraddle. Even knowing it wasn’t real, I am on the verge of tears. Never go away, you beautiful butterflies of happiness!
Riese: It occurred to me today that having a president with such a hostile and reactive attitude towards the press could end up being very problematic for  the world? What if he tightens libel laws? What if he ends net neutrality? Like, I’m not saying the nightmare is real… but the nightmare is a nightmare.

I just wanted to take a minute to thank you all so much for being here. I know AS has been a haven for me during and after these election results, and I think that’s true for so many of us, and I would guess it’s not so easy for you all to carry that while also sorting through your own emotions and reactions and the things you need for yourselves. Thank you so much for doing that for us, and for all the work you do on a daily basis to make this space. So much love and gratitude for you all <3
Rachel: Thank you kind friend! Thank you for being here in this little space we’ve staked out.

pretty ready for that commune now
Riese: Listen I have five acres of land that I own b/c my ex wanted to grow things on it and I’ve got no clue what to do with it now! SO BRING A TENT!

Trans people are being urged to get passports with correct gender markers but I understand this costs around $80-110. I’m not American but am so afraid for everyone there. One thing I can think that might help right now is by providing financial assistance to trans people in getting this document. Do you know where I can donate?
Rachel: Yup! We interviewed at least one organization! You can donate to the Trans Relief Project and to the Trans Assistance Project and look into Trans Law Help!

It would be awesome if you guys shared some resources for concretely involving ourselves in activism, or other ways we can defend ourselves and all others who will become even more oppressed in a Trump presidency
Rachel: Hello! Yes! We have been doing this since pretty much the day after the election and will continue to do so. KaeLyn has been writing a great column about getting involved in activism called Be the Change; so far she’s covered petitions and calling, how to create a campaign plan, and supporting your community. I wrote about 5 places you can sign up to get more involved, and Ali wrote about tech tools for resistance. We’ve done profiles or interviews on at least two organizations you can support, Tegan and Sara’s new LGBTQ foundation and the Trans Relief Project. Audrey listed a bunch of nonprofits and justice orgs you can support. In Jen’s recent post from Oceti Sakowin camp, she listed concrete ways you can continue to support Standing Rock. Keep an eye out for these posts and more; sharing resources and education about resisting oppression is a fundamental part of our existence as an organization and as humans!

Thanks I live in PA – flipped off all the Trump signs for the past few months… Very scary days ahead. For the past 30 years, my sister has lived in the town I am calling home (for now). She said the KKK was given a permit to walk through the streets as recently as 15 years ago… Maybe not so shocking to see PA go red. If there were ever a time for a renewal if the Rainbow Coalition. This is it.
Heather: Totally agree. I have never been more thankful for our Autostraddle community.

I took the election results really hard. It is disheartening to see that you can do your homework, you can win all three debates, you can be the most prepared an experienced Candidate with actual proposals and lose just because you’re a woman. I can’t even imagine how Hillary must’ve felt. Did you know that the confetti at the party was meant to look like broken glass? just thinking about it makes me want to cry
Heather: Me too, friend. Me too.

Thank you for the wonderfully supportive community, especially in the week surrounding the election. The open thread discussions and AS’s post-election writing in particular give me comfort, hope, and motivation. <3 (ps, I’m a Bronze member, so I don’t get to hear the podcast)
Heather: Thank you for continuing to be an active and vital part of this world-changing community! Also the post-election podcast was open to all readers!

I’m so afraid, Autostraddle. It’s been over a week and I can already see people becoming complacent, the media normalizing this huge ass-shaped stain on America’s history. I’m not even from the US (“safely” up here in Canada. It’s an illusion, y’all. We aren’t safe here either. No one is with Trump’s power) and I’m feeling it so deeply, I can’t imagine the pain and grief folks down there must be walking around with. I just don’t know what to do. I sent a letter to Justin Trudeau saying how disappointed I am in his (seemingly) whole-hearted acceptance of the election outcome. I’m doing my own research with the LGBTQ community that I hope, someday, will make waves. I keep the conversations rolling, call people into meaningful dialogue of the issues that plague us, and yet it still doesn’t feel like it’s going to be enough. I’ve been breaking out into stress-induced hives everyday. This election has triggered my anxious and depressive tendencies so much so that I feel like I don’t want to live in this world anymore. I WILL continue to keep showing up, keep trying and loving everyone and everything that I can, but my overwhelming disappointment in this world is palpable. It always has been, it’s just so much more intense lately. I can do all the self-care practices I know of, seek my therapist’s guidance (although is she even able to offer solace in this fucked up time? Probably not), but no matter what I do, it always comes back to: I’m afraid. And I don’t know what to do. Thanks for listening, as always <3
Heather: We love you and we are ALWAYS here for you. Keep fighting. Don’t give up. We’ve got your back.

How is Hillary? Who is checking on her? Do we have someone on this?
Heather: I’m sure she’s devastated but she seems to be out in the woods getting some fresh air and enjoying the company of her dogs and some bookstores and having the freedom to not give a fuck about makeup for the first time in her life.

I just upgraded my silver subscription to gold because the work that you all are doing is absolutely vital right now. Thank you for all that you do and for being a ray of light in this “post-truth” age.
Heather: THANK YOU! That is VERY kind of you!

Thanks for being here, Autostraddle <3

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