Sex is hot. And also, kinda funny. Like, much much funnier than it looks on bad teevee or in porn movies where people are all at the pool like, “hey what’s up let’s do something serious/naked on the pool table later” or “let’s smear pancake batter over each other’s nipples and lick it off as if that isn’t the stupidest/funniest thing of all time ever.” People are naked and rolling around sticking their fingers and tongues in each other. That’s really funny.
But here’s the thing: like EVERYTHING ELSE ON THE INTERNET, it’s difficult to track down fantastic links about lesbian sex that isn’t straight porn, let alone FUNNY lesbian sex. So kids, the ball’s in your court.
Do you have any funny/embarassing/ridiculous sex stories to share? SHARE THEM IN THE COMMENTS!
The Effin’ Dykes Guide to Cunnilingus: “Cunnilingus – You’re Doing it Wrong.” (@sexyisforeverybody)
I Am Becoming an Illegal Pervert: “Have you ever heard that thing about how a guy reaches his sexual peak in his late teens, and a lady reaches hers in her mid-30s? Well, I’m pretty sure that’s true because I am a 33 year-old lady and am quickly becoming an illegal pervert.” (@thoughtcatalog)
rightocaito via queerbrownxx.tumblr.com
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Porn For Straight Girls: Well, That’s One Way To Sell Your Art: “I like “Art School Dykes” because it’s got some of the funniest things about straight porn, including bad dialogue, overblown acting and manicured pubic hair, while being full of awesome tattooed girl-on-pierced-girl action and genuinely enthusiastic orgasmic shrieking. (@fleshbot)
Images You Should Not Masturbate To: Nails are clipped in this gallery. (@jezebel)
The 11 Best/Worst Vagina Tattoos of All Time: it’s a thing. (@buzzfeed)
Europe Through the Back Door: “Like a straight man who thinks getting a colonic will turn him gay (Meghan says men have actually worried aloud about that), I fear that something terrible will happen if I let anyone go near my butt.” (@effin’dykes)
DAR: A Super Girly Top Secret Comic Diary, by Erica Moen (@dar)
The first rule of Jane Austen’s Fight Club is…
Remember when we gave you 8 Steps Any Girl Can Take to Get a Girl to Sleep Over? Maybe read that one again.
Autostraddle Anonymous Sex Toy Review #1: This Giant Purple Strap-On
It’s our very first Autostraddle Anonymous Sex Toy Review! Over the last 2-3 years, we’ve been propositioned frequently by sex toy companies wondering if we’d like to review their toy in exchange for, you know, their toys. In 2011, in addition to “saying yes to the dress” we are saying YES to the sex toys!
Several of these companies which sell Adult Toys don’t realize that we’re homos, and will probs never want to send us anything ever again. That’s where we’re starting today, with a toy we pawned off at a dinner party last night. It happens. This will probably be the funniest one because it’s silly.
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Grooved G-Spot Strap On From Theirtoys.com
We couldn’t bring ourselves to actually use the Grooved G-Spot Strap-On from the Strap-On section of this incredible TheirToys Adult Toys Website.
The “harness” may very well be made out of worn-out underwear elastic and that heinous plastic packaging that’s impossible to open, even with scissors.
There was NO FUCKING WAY that shit was coming anywhere near my soft tender parts or the skin of my inner thighs.
So “over the clothes” is the only way to go — we did that and helpfully took some photographs for you:
So we’ve got this big Purple Dildo Monster (which the package calls “a dong”) entirely lacking harness support, so it’s very loose and floppy. No control at all! Furthermore the “O ring” is practically at the waist. How do you fuck someone from the waist?
The base of the dildo is supposed to be a suction cup so you can “stick it to the floor, wall, or tile, and it stays put!” which is clearly a priority over like, “you can use this to fuck girls!” But it was bent out of shape with no suction at all. As “Jane” said, “how am I supposed to have sex with the floor now?” How indeed.
The dildo may not be a total loss if you’re into big and long. We could maybe report back on that later. The best part is that it comes with a blindfold! So you don’t have to look at what you’re doing or the piece of junk you’re doing it with. Thank goodness!
Okay share your funny sex stories or say whatever you want.
I am now sharing an apartment with 5 straight girls and can no longer safely read Autostraddle, especially on Sundays. *cries*
You never know, they might be cool with it!
sure you can
get one of these monitor filters- http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.aspx?Item=N82E16834997334
They need to know–read it out loud over coffee and cinnamon rolls.
those vagina tattoos – I never realized how great my life is, because I wasn’t aware of not having one.
I am fairly sure most of those are body paint. I hope.
Or Photoshop.
Me too, but not all. You know the douchebags in this world…
My roommate and I were members of Jane Austen fight club this past Halloween.
Yes this is the only comment I am making on this post. hah
I don’t have any funny sex stories since I haven’t been having sex.
But that fourth picture?
Thank you!
one time i tried to take off my bra with my shirt still on, and i accidentally elbowed my then-gf in the face. she was still up for sex.
This comment just made my day/life.
I take it as an excellent indicator of a sex partner being generally awesome if they’re able to laugh with you in bed. Even after getting elbowed in the face. Or, in my case, kneed in the face.
Spiderman kiss picture = best ever. Made my night!
You know the pic of the girl with the afro? Yeah. My dad has those chairs in his office. SCARRED FOR LIFE.
Really? That would make me love those chairs even more.
Does your dad have a co-worker with an afro?
It was the first time my gf and I had sex together and my first time having sex in general. I moved up as I tried to take my pants off, when my gf hits me with her head and opens my lip. I bled and she didn’t believe me until I showed her. We laughed for a bit and then just continued to do our thing. I still have the scar on my lip.
Autostraddle early morning study break…Jane Austin fight club… I was caught off guard..laughed too hard….now I have nose soda on my books. Thanks?
Last year I worked at this resort in a remote part of Australia. All the girls I lived and worked with were straight so I relied on the steady flow of tourists to occasionally get it done.
A cheeky redheaded Irish girl took me back to her room after a big night at the pub, and I thought I was good for it, but I was wrong.
It was all happening and things were pretty intense, when I switched positions to straddle her, then lurched (drunkenly) forward and put my right hand and my head (srsly) thru the wall. I managed to break a finger which caused extreme pain but unsurprisingly my head didn’t feel a thing. The crater I left in the wall over the bed was pretty huge. She started freaking out over the damage and I assured her, between gasps of pain, that I worked there and would sort it out. I got dressed one handed and then went looking for an ice bucket and some painkillers.
Early the next day I deleted her info so they couldn’t charge her extra and told everyone I hurt my hand stumbling home. I told my best mate there what really happened, and she did housekeeping, and said whenever she cleaned that room and saw the patched up hole she would laugh every time.
I love you.
I’ve been caught having sex in public by the cops.
Twice.
Queefing. Queefing is always funny. The word alone makes me snicker like a fourth grader just learning the “other” meaning of “erect.”
the first time i ever went to a gay bar, i went on leather night and got picked up by the biggest bull dyke i’ve ever seen in my life. she danced with me a while then took me to her place. she goes down on me and it was awesome and then it’s time for me to reciprocate. now i start to spaz out because 1) this is my first time with a woman 2) i have no idea what to do, so i start to hyperventilate. she asks,”what’s the matter, baby? don’t you like pussy?” and my clearly appropriate response is, “i’m allergic!” as i bolt out of her apartment with half my clothes on and no ride home. kinda set the tone for the rest of my sex life, really.
Amazing!
that’s what i tell myself…..
This one time a few years ago my girlfriend came home from work and just started making out with me. Things got really intense and she finally just pushed me onto the floor right there in the dining room and we started going at it. It was totally hot and perfect until she took off my shorts and uncovered a tootsie roll sitting there on my stomach. We both just started laughing hysterically because my shorts didn’t have pockets and it didn’t fall from anything above us. What happened is that earlier that day, for some strange reason I have yet to figure out, I stuck the tootsie roll in the elastic band of my shorts and then forgot it was there.
We still laugh about the “tootsie roll incident” and I don’t think either of us can look at one the same anymore.
One time my then-girlfriend and I were preeetty drunk and decided to have sex. Started off awesome, really hot, rough, we were both super into it. She decides she wants to tie me up before she goes down on me, so she ties me to her bedposts with scarves. I’m getting really into it and she’s making me feel great.
After a bit (because I’m difficult), she sits up and goes, “I feel a little dizzy” and I’m asking her if she’s okay and whatnot (and we get me untied in this time) and then suddenly she bolts for her trashcan and promptly throws up.
The end of the night? She takes a shower and I clean everything up. We go to sleep with her totally embarrassed and me being sweet. She was horny for the next three days though and we ended up having a lot of pretty great sex.
I just realized that I changed verb tenses. SORRY GUYS. I DIDN’T MEAN TO. DON’T HOLD IT AGAINST ME.
You know I read Autostraddle, right?
Yes. And?
hehe
CAUGHT!!
!
Don’t worry, I only would if you said you wanted my body now
My then girlfriend had a strapon. I wanted to try it out. She had only had it used on her but she was game. Kinda like the one in the photo, it was rather cheap looking and not completely adjustable (she managed sort of, but she was super, super tiny).
It was one of those ones with a vibrator attached for the top lady’s pleasure.
Anyway, we just can’t get things to work right. I kinda decided it was too big and I didn’t like it, but the last ditch attempt was me on top so I could control depth and etc. And as I’m like “ow” and I finally give up, I look at her face, which is all crinkled up and she’s like “fuck, I came” and started laughing.
She was like IT DIDN’T EVEN FEEL GOOD it just HAPPENED. I felt bad about it so I went down on her and was late for class the next morning. But it was fucking hilarious at the time, especially to me because I am not the sort of person that orgasms just happen to (lots of effort).
Anyway after that experience a. I had some sort of post-penetration freakout (totally weird, there was no reason for it) b. we broke up and c. I got a UTI.
After all that, I will be the wielder of the strapon in the future.
So my girlfriend and I are cuddling after sexytimes, about to go to sleep. The lights are off. We’re moving around, trying to get comfortable, and my open mouth accidentally connects with her – as she so eloquently put it – not-boob. It’s the part that’s sort of below your collarbone, but not yet your boob. Anyway. She COMPLETELY FREAKS OUT. Screeching, hysterics, etc, and I am like “What the fuck? What? Really?”
So I do it again on purpose, because clearly I am the best girlfriend in the world.
“Get away from me!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVE A SMALL AND CREEPY MOUTH.”
I probably did it a third time, but I can’t really remember because we started wrestling.
Other incidents include:
-The time she was being all petsome and sweet and then said to me, as she stroked my bellybutton, “I will impregnate you with my alien seed.”
-We had just finished watching some BBC miniseries and her hands were all up in my business. Does quiet country life and inheritance drama turn her on?? “Ohhhh, ~primogeniture,” I moaned, just to be sure. “Ohhh, ~entail, so hot.”
Later she brought me close to kiss me, then whispered in my ear, “Ronald Reagan.”
“Ronald Reagan.” HAHAHAHAA! That is awesome. I’m at my parents’ house right now and my stepdad just asked me why I’m laughing. I said “Ronald Reagan” and he just shook his head and walked away.
I haven’t got any particularly good stories as I can’t actually remember the last time I got laid, apart from a rather unfortunate fisting incident at a fetish modeling thing I did a few weeks ago. It wasn’t bad or anything at the time, but this (really nice, totally straight) girl had maaaajor fingernails and they needed like an hour of footage, which meant we had to film for around 90 minutes, and I was swollen and shredded for like 3 days afterward. I seriously called my best friend in the middle of the night crying because I was certain my vagina was broken forever and I was going to die. (I don’t know why I thought that would make me feel less broken and gross, he thinks vaginas are icky at the best of times.) I kept thinking about that effing dykes story about the girl with the rhinestones on her nails. *shudder*
The worst was that I saw the girl a few days later when I was out for coffee with my dad and she smiled at me but didn’t say hi, and I was like, “why do I know this girl and why isn’t she saying hi if she clearly knows me?” When it finally dawned on me I was really glad she didn’t say anything. It would have been like, “hey dad, meet the girl who fisted me last week on camera… um, hon, what’s your name again?”
The time she was being all petsome and sweet and then said to me, as she stroked my bellybutton, “I will impregnate you with my alien seed.”
This. Just this, it has made my day.
Agreed. I can’t stop laughing about it.
“YOU HAVE A SMALL AND CREEPY MOUTH”
Crying with laughter oerr here. IRL.
This isn’t exactly a funny story except I really liked the cartoon (except I get orgasms from going down on girls)but that my vagina is wired to my mouth in that when I laugh super hard and for a long time I get so turned on that one does not have to do much to get me off. Its why I love my partner so much. She makes me laugh my ass off and gets me off too.
My ex’s vag was wired to her mouth in the opposite direction.
Imagine–it’s your first time going down on a girl, you’re very proud that it’s been seemingly successful, and said girl gets a giggle fit. Kind of murdered my ego until she explained that was a normal thing for her.
I was all like “cunnilingus, ur doin’ it wrong?” and very confused.
Cue my embarrassing story. It wasn’t my first time, but I tried to have sexy times with a girl and she just wouldn’t stop laughing, which actually turned out okay because it made me feel like it was my first time, and I founf out later it was her first time. It was just really awkward.
You know, with her friend sitting right outside the room, right by the door, with the TV on but not very loud? Yeah. That is probably one of my top 5 worst sex stories.
To make a long story short, I was once interrupted mid-sex by my friend who stays in the dorm room next to mine, because she first knocked on my door (which I ignored), then sent a text message that said: “Hey, when you’re done having sexy times and blasting porn music, can I grab some ice from your fridge? I’ve twisted my ankle.”
(note: I checked my phone after sex of course. I know that checking your phone during sex is a big no-no)
You know how sex on the beach is supposed to be all steamy and sexy in an 80’s wailing saxophone kinda way? Well, I am here to tell you it is NOT.
I was on Manhattan Beach (in LA, pretty ghetto) at night, it was freezing cold, and I was trying to eat a girl out…but we didnit have a blanket/towel or anything, so it was just my face in the sand, sand getting in her vadge, sand getting in my mouth, me spitting out mouth sand, until I tapped out of the whole encounter like I was in a wrestling match or something. I TAPPED OUT OF SEX. Oh the embarrassment.
Also, this one time I did weed brownies with a girl and got so high I couldn’t find her vagina. Couldn’t. Find. Her.Vagina.
I’m amazed anyone still agrees to fuck me.
That made laughter bubble up in my belly until it spilled out of my mouth. Brava.
This made me laugh so effing hard !
I bet ‘gg’ up there with the laugh / orgasm thing is probably smoking a cigarette after reading this…..or eating Doritos or something….
a whole bag
I’m a girl with really curly hair and facial piercings and I hooked up with a girl with really curly hair and facial piercings and every single piece of us that could get stuck somewhere, got stuck somewhere, in each others’ hair.
It was a night like any other night, after spending a few hours sweating it out on the dance floor at the local gay bar. I get really horny after drinking, my lady doesn’t like to have drunk sexytimes. However, this fine morning (4am) we decided she would get me off and then I would get her off.I barely remember this, but I remember waking up and my girl saying “when you were done, you fell asleep on me.” I literally came,flopped on her and fell asleep. ON. TOP. OF. HER.
My first gf and i were getting busy on the couch, i kinda forgot that we werent on a bed,(i was such a cute baby les) so went i went to straddle her, my face some how ended up in the coffee table. I broke my nose :( it was bleeding everywhere. luckily her father was a doctor? so like 1 in the morning, she goes to wake him up so he can set my nose. it was really embarsing and i remember something about saying i tripped. The only good thing that came out of all of that was, she wanted to pick up where we left off and i got to be a pillow princess for like a week until my nose healed.
When I was with my ex, I broke her elbow in the middle of sex…. on her birthday. Her mum didn’t believe the story we made up on the way to A & E.
One time my girlfriend were making out on her bed and I was on top of her. We still had our pants on and my phone was in my pocket. Our legs were intertwined and my phone in my pocket started to vibrate. My phone had been right in her crotch. She almost jumped in surprise. I took it out and saw that it was a friend who we were trying to meet up with later that day so she told me to answer it. I spent the whole time on the phone trying not to crack up and when I hung up we laughed for ages.
Once I punched myself in the face. Not good.
I was staying at my then-girlfriend’s house with her roommates for a few days and we were having some pre-dinner sex (Appetizers..one might say). We were supposed to be downstairs for a shared dinner, and of course lost track of time, so one of her roommates came to the door to inform us. Being the innocent straight virgin that she was, she opened.the.door. And was greeted by the sight of me fucking my girlfriend with a strap-on in her desk chair. Oh, with the full length mirror behind me so she had a nice view of my ass. She promptly shut the door. The best part? They needed the desk chair because there weren’t enough chairs in the dining room. So we finished up and brought it downstairs for dinner.
My girlfriend were having sexy times, completely naked, etcetera. She lives with a parents, so we were in her room, with the curtains closed and the tv on. Suddenly her father walks in the room, and asks: ‘What are you two doing? Playing cinema or what?’
We also got caught by her mother. She asked us to bring something to the garage. I don’t know what came over me, but I was really turned on, so I kissed her like crazy, pulled her pants off, she was moaning LOUDLY, and…her mother enters the garage. The only thing she said was: ‘What are you two doing, dinner’s ready, we’re all waiting for you two!’
I apologise for my english, I’m not a native-speaker.
Let’s talk about the time my ex got the new Guitar Hero during a week when I was really horny, so between the two of us she ended up with her shoulder in a sling. I found it hilarious — her, not so much.
So, as the ID-checker at our college’s sports facility, I had the closing shift and figured that it would be a stellar idea to hide in the locker rooms with my new gf (who was totally into it) whilst the campus cops locked up, and stay the night for sneaky sexytimes with the whole building to ourselves.
Come the night, everything goes perfectly and we’re feeling like we’ve managed to pull off the world’s first queer-adventure-heist. We’re up late into the night doing our thing on the outrageously comfortable mats under the climbing wall. Worn out from the enthusiastic exercise, we both agree that we need to pee and head back to the locker rooms.
Which is when we trip the COMPLETELY UNKNOWN motion sensors, setting off loud, ringing alarms. We bust ass back to the mats, diving for cover, where we huddle in heart-thumping silence as we listen to the campus cops enter the lobby, turn off the alarm, and re-set the system… but we don’t hear them leave.
So we’re terrified to breathe for at least twenty minutes while we suppress sneezes, sure that the officers are standing quietly around the corner waiting for us to reveal ourselves. We finally realize that we’ve gotten away with it and are being ridiculous… only to also realize that we never got to relieve ourselves and can’t move because the alarms are reset. It’s maybe 4am now. We snooze uncomfortably with bladders at painfully exceeded capacity until 8am, when the building opens and the coast is clear so we can sneak across the wide open basketball court and get to the bathrooms.
Then we stow sleeping bags in the lockers and saunter out past the ID desk (past the monitor who hasn’t seen us go in that morning), to enjoy deep breaths of the fresh morning air in between fits of giggles, which we can finally indulge in without worrying about pissing our pants!
Not as interesting or long as the stories on here, but my gf went to pull off my panties and I kicked/kneed her in the mouth. Not sure how I pulled that off.
It’s true…Erotic toys you need to bring excitement into your love life.
My girlfriend and I once set out to do the most bizarre sex shit we could explicitly so we would have hilarious stories to tell while getting drunk with friends…and that’s the story of how I wound up eating a slice of pizza off a girl’s naked torso behind a Harris-Teeter. It was not very alluring at all, but it was actually really fun in a goofy way.
(Also protip: pizza is terrible sexytime food. It doesn’t cling to skin at all. The strawberry syrup of the cheesecake, on the other hand, was much more of a success in that regard.)
Oh also the first time we had sex I really wanted to go down on her but we couldn’t…quite….figure out the optimum angle for that?? (like HIPS HOW THE FUCK DO THEY WORK)…she was my first time, obviously. And after some slightly awkward fumbling I just used my hand and occupied my mouth elsewhere, so it wasn’t exactly a bust. :P