Everyone’s quarantine situation is just a little different. Wondering how to make your giftee’s just a little bit hotter? Here’s what sexy gift to give based on their quarantine style, whether they haven’t left the house since March, are forced to work under capitalism, are stuck with a very recent ex, and more. Remember that some categories may overlap. Sex toys for all!
The Person Who Has Not Been Outside Except For Groceries Since March
What do you get the quarantining person who has everything except human touch? A fucking machine of their very own.
1. Liberator Pulse Toy Mount ($85), 2. Cowgirl Sex Machine ($1,499), 3. Fun Factory Stronic Surf ($169)
Liberator Pulse Toy Mount
Keep a vibrator or dildo in place and moving with you hands-free with a Liberator Pulse Toy Mount. It’s low and narrow for straddling, has one toy mount for a larger toy and two smaller pockets that can fit bullet vibrators, and is wrapped in soft, machine-washable microfiber. Note that Covid-related shipping days mean it’s best to order this one as early as possible for gift giving.
Cowgirl Sex Machine
If you want to get extra — or maybe just fantasize — the Cowgirl is a rideable fucking machine that can be controlled via a wired remote or an app, comes with two silicone attachments for external or penetrative stimulation, and has no assembly required.
Fun Factory Stronic Surf
Bigger fucking machines have quite a footprint, so for something that wouldn’t obstruct a webcam’s view (or, in the future, a partner’s), the Stronic Surf is a silicone pulsator with distinct ridges that thrusts nearly hands-free. It’s a little bit smaller than the toys in the original Stronic line, so if the Eins was too tight a fit, the Surf might be justttt right.
The Person Who Has Not Touched Another Living Being Since March
Without touch, skin hunger is real. There’s only so much someone can do for their own skin hunger without, y’know, actually touching and getting touch from another human being, but a few things can help.
1. Olivia’s Boudoir Tuxedo Massage Candle ($28), 2. Doxy Die-Cast Wand ($189), 3. Kink Spike Solid Metal Pinwheels ($25)
Olivia’s Boudoir Tuxedo Massage Candle
Self-massage, including of the shoulders, neck, hands, and feet, can go a little smoother with a massage candle. This one is made of soy, olive, and coconut oils; smells like bergamot, sandalwood, and musk; and works best when the candle melts out to the edge of the glass and then is extinguished before use.
Doxy Die-Cast Wand
For earlier generations, using back massagers as vibrators was considered a powerful step in empowerment. I’m not saying that today, using vibrators as back massagers is quite the same thing — but I am saying it can work. The Doxy Die-Cast Wand is a powerful, heavy vibrator with a handle that can help get to harder to reach spots, whether your neck, you back, etc.
Kink Spike Solid Metal Pinwheels
To go in a kinkier direction, help your giftee top themselves with the Kink Spike Solid Metal Pinwheels, a five-wheel instrument that can range from a light sensation to a more lingering one depending on how firmly it’s used.
The Person Quarantining With Anyone They’re Not Fucking
Discretion is key when you’re trying to have a solo — or partnered — sex life that runs smoothly alongside a shared living situation, whether with family of all types, roommates, or a combination of folks.
1. We-Vibe Tango ($79), 2. Erotica (various), 3. LectroFan Premium White Noise Machine ($35)
We-Vibe Tango
Tiny enough to easily stash and rumbly enough to stand alone, the We-Vibe Tango is a quiet rechargeable bullet that’s deceptively powerful. Familiar enough with your giftee’s toy box to know they already have one? The Dragon Claw by Uberprime is designed to encase the Tango in textured, bumpy silicone for an elevated external experience.
Written Erotica
As anyone who’s ever thrown their porn through an unsuspecting housemate’s Bluetooth speakers will tell you, sometimes it’s nice to take your porn analog. Best Lesbian Erotica of the Year, volume 5, edited by Sinclair Sexsmith and Best Bondage Erotica of the Year, volume 1, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel, are a few recent titles. (And may I suggest my Lesbian Sexting the Zine?) And if your giftee still isn’t an A+ subscriber, S L I C K is a gift that will keep on giving.
LectroFan Premium White Noise Machine
Sometimes privacy is the best sex toy of all.
The Person Quarantining With A Partner
Whether you’ve been together years or went on a first date in May that just never ended (please do not do this), anyone quarantining with a partner or two might be finding it time to mix it up. Get some noise-isolating headphones for everyone in the household to keep the mystery and fracturing illusion of privacy and independence alive, and then check out these add-ons to some favorite toys.
1. Pop Tops Silicone Wand Attachment ($23), 2. Le Wand Curve Weighted Silicone Attachment ($40), 3. Tenga Egg 6-Pack, Hard Boiled Edition ($35), 4. Not Pictured
Pop Tops Silicone Wand Attachment
Make a long-loved wand vibrator more exciting with this Pop Tops Silicone Wand Attachment, which tops the Magic Wand and similarly sized vibrator heads. It’s removable and easy to clean — just don’t pair it with silicone lube.
Le Wand Curve Weighted Silicone Attachment
For a Le Wand owner, the Le Wand Curve Weighted Silicone Attachment is a way to add penetration and heft to a favorite toy. (Just make sure the toy and attachment match – the Le Wand Petit has its own similar attachment.)
Tenga Egg 6-Pack, Hard Boiled Edition
Pull a disposable Tenga Egg down over any vibrator it fits for external use or, for people with penises, use one as a sleeve to make masturbation feel a little different. Each Tenga Egg has a different texture, so try the variety pack or select a few individually! (They’re made of TPE, so remember that they’re ultimately disposable and not safe to share.)
Double-Sided Suction Cup
Two (favorite dildos with flat bases) become one with this double-sided suction cup. It can also secure one flat-base dildo to a compatible wall.
The Person Quarantining With An Ex
Cohabitating with a recent ex is never easy, and it’s even harder in quarantine, when no one can safely escape for a night out or crash on someone else’s couch for a few hours or days. You’re stuck with each other, and you’re also in a world without rebound sex. What’s a queer to do? These toys mimic the sensation of sex with another person for rebound vibes without actually being in the same space as a one-night stand. Use them alone, or for toys with a remote option head over to r/ToyControl to play with an online stranger.
1. We-Vibe Melt ($149), 2. Lovense Hush Butt Plug ($120), 3. We-Vibe Rave ($113)
We-Vibe Melt
We-Vibe’s parent company purchased Womanizer, and the We-Vibe Melt is a result: the Womanizer’s air pulsing and sucking that feels just enough like oral, with We-Vibe’s aesthetic and We-Connect app control (now that they’ve allegedly addressed that pesky privacy problem). It’s also pretty quiet, so an ex in the other room should (hopefully) not immediately know what’s up — and it’s waterproof, so the running water from a shower or bath can add some extra privacy.
Lovense Hush Butt Plug
The Lovense Hush is a vibrating butt plug that can sync to music or ambient noise via app control for an unpredictable vibration experience that gets a little closer to the feel of another person. Pair this break-up butt plug with — yep — noise-isolating headphones for an immersive experience.
We-Vibe Rave
Okay, the We-Vibe Rave is reminiscent of sex with another person more because it’s fun to use alone or during sex with another person, and not so much because of its sensations. Nevertheless! The Rave is a rumbly, versatile, external or g-spot vibrator that your giftee will wonder how they lived without. Just make sure there’s no dispute about who wins it in the break up.
The Person Who Can’t Quarantine Because of Frontline Work, Houselessness, or Capitalism
This person deserves something that’s lavish af and also easy to clean or disinfect.
1. nJoy Fun Wand ($89), 2. nJoy Pure Plug ($69), 3. Sutil Rich Lube ($39)
nJoy Fun Wand
Weighty without weighing down, the nJoy Fun Wand is a double-ended steel dildo that’s great for vaginas and butts. Start with the graduated bulbs to get used o the girth, or dive right in.
nJoy Pure Plug
Is there any buttplug more perfect than the nJoy Pure Plug? Our reviewer doesn’t think so. Try it in medium for an all-around fit, run it under warm or cool water fo a touch of temperature play, and clean it with soap and water and a boil if that’s available.
Sutil Rich Lube
Pair the sexy stainless steel above — or any silicone toy — with a cushiony water-based and body-safe lube for an all-in-one experience. Plus, the tube is biodegradable.
The Person Could Quarantine And… Isn’t
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